04x13 - PCA Confidential

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Okay, my name is Coco Wexler.

On behalf of Pacific Coast
Academy, we're very excited

that you're thinking of
applying to this school.

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

"Introduce PCA students," okay.

Those are three of our students
here at PCA:

Zoey Brooks,
Chase Matthews,

and Stacey Dipsen.

- Dillsen.
Duh.

- They'll answer any questions
you have about PCA.

I'm gonna go sit over there

and pluck the hairs
out of my knuckles.

- Okay, so who has a question?

- Um, yeah, so PCA
just started letting in girls

two or three years ago, right?
- Uh-huh.

- Do the guys and girls
get along pretty well here?

- Sometimes and sometimes not.

What are you saying?

- That a good friend
would give me my radio back.

- Oh, so now
I'm not a good friend?

- Are you gonna give me
my radio?

- I was gonna.
- Sure you were.

ALL: [screaming]

- Hey, now, I'll thank you
not to raise your voice at me

in front of my peers.

- Excuse me,
but I don't think I got the memo

that said
you were in charge of me.

CROWD: Ooh.

- A little tip.

Try to make the ball
go in the basket.

- And here's a tip for you:

try to make words
not come out of your mouth.

BOTH: [scream]

- Oh.

Leave me alone.

Just back off.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.

Thanks a lot, Force.

- You're just lucky it takes
two hands to choke a person.

- Yeah, not much you can do
to me with one hand.

Ow.

- You took Zoey's tech mate?

- Well, sort of.

- That's cheating.

- It's smart strategy.

- It's cheating.

- I can't believe
you'd want to win this way.

- This roof is for guys only.

- Chase, tell Logan
he's being an idiot.

- I kind of agree with him.
- Thank you.

- You're taking Logan's side
on this?

- I think that guys
do kind of need a place

where we can just,
you know, be guys.

- Now leave.
- No.

- Rejected, rejected.

Yeah, you just got rejected.

R-e-j-e-c-t-e-d, rejected.

R-e-j-e-c-t-e-d, rejected.
Whoo.

- All right. All right.
That's enough.

You are kidding me.

- Oh, oh, no.

Oh. No.

Oh.

[screams]

[horn]

[cheering]

GIRL: Come on, Zoey.
GIRL: Knock him off.

GIRL: Get him.

- Go.
- Oh.

- Oh, my God.

[screaming]
- Go Zoey.

- Why did you make me do
all that ridiculous stuff?

- Because you called me
a "spaz."

- Huh?

- I don't like
being called a "spaz."

Never did, even as a child.

I hope you learned
a little lesson here.

- [grunting]

You little--

- Ready to fight?

- Yeah, unless you forfeit
like all the other guys.

- I ain't gonna forfeit.

I don't care what you are.

I hurt everybody
just the same.

- Have some more.

- Hi,
I have a question for Chase.

- Sure.
What do you wanna know?

- Well, I'm really interested

in physics, and chemistry,

and other science stuff.

Would PCA be a good place
for me?

- Um, yeah, we actually have
a friend named Quinn

who's very into stuff like that.

- Very.

- My name is Quinn,
and I invent things

so I call them "Quinnventions."

- [screams]

Quinn.

- Yeah?
- What are you doing?

- Monitoring your dreams.

I think
you might be having a nightmare.

- I am now.

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.

Is an experiment with rodent
choreography so weird?

- Absolutely.

- See, this is exactly
why girls don't belong

in the science club.

[cheering]

ALL: [screaming]

- I made this.
It's a follicular stimulant.

- And it works?
- You tell me.

- Oh.
- Oh my.

- Your pit's all furry.

- Well, I had to test it out.

So last night,
I put some of this

under my arm and now tuft.

- Oh.

BOTH: [screaming]

- See?

Flip the breaker.
- Okay, do it.

- 15.7, eight--

- Yes.

There, push it.

ALL: [screaming]

- Now I activate the
electrically charged ion field.

[beeping]

- Uh-oh.

- Did--did you get
the extended warranty?

- Yeah, question for Zoey.
- sh**t.

- Um, now that PCA
accepts boys and girls,

is there a lot of dating
that goes on here?

- Yeah. PCA has definitely got
some of that going on.

Why do you want to go out
with Logan?

- Have you seen him?
He's scrumptious,

and his arms--
oh, his arms.

- So, you're an actress?
- Totally.

- Nice.

- Yeah.

- What?

- Hi, Mark.
- Oh, hey, Clint.

- Quinn.

- Did you say Clint?

- He said Quinn.
- I said Clint.

- Who's Clint?
- He meant Quinn.

- Wait a sec.
- Who wants potato salad?

- Want to go together?
- Yes.

- Awesome.
Friday night.

- Hi.
- Ready, Teddy?

- Ready, ready.

[laughs]

- You have pretty eyes.

- Um, my pediatrician says

I might need glasses soon

because I don't see too well.

- So,
maybe I should get closer.

How's this?

- My breath's never
been a problem before, has it?

- Uh.

- Oh, my God.
I have a breath problem.

[screams]

- [squealing]

My first relationship.

I'm gonna go put on
some lipstick and a skirt.

- I caught him
hugging another woman.

- Well,
that might not mean anything.

- It depends
on what kind of hug.

- Yeah, was it one of these?

- Or one of these?

- Yeah?

- Would you maybe

want to catch a movie on campus

with me tonight?

- Uh, yeah,

I could be up for that.
- Cool.

- Will you still be
Mona Lisa?

- Michael.

- Who's Courtney?

- I'm his girlfriend.

- What?
BOTH: Uh-oh.

- I can't believe
you'd do this to me, Mark.

We are done.

Over.

- Hey, I've got a question--

for Chase.

- Yeah?

- I noticed
that your hair is really bushy.

Did you know that?

- Yeah, I know that.

- So, do people
ever talk about it?

- It's come up.

Does it look better?
- I don't know.

It was a bush before,
it's a bush now.

- Hey, fuzzyhead.

- Hey now,
you promised not to call me

"fuzzyhead" anymore.

- Curly Sue?

- And now
I'm liking fuzzyhead.

You dented my 'fro.

- Crazy Jewish afro?

- Now, Chase,
your hair is unusually bushy.

And Michael,
the bushiness of his hair

is none of your business.

- You've seen his bushy hair,
what is up with that?

- I like his hair.

It reminds me
of my grandma's dead poodle.

- It is poodle-ish.

- I really should
finish this--

- You're not blowing off
your birthday party,

you big-haired freak.
Did your hair get bushier?

- I've heard that.

- Who's next?
- Oh.

Hm.
Let's see.

Uh, Zoey.

So, I read a few blogs

by some PCA students,

and some of them
talk about weird stuff

that goes on here.

Is that stuff true?

- Um, I don't know if I'd say

that weird stuff happens here.

- Who are you?

- [baaing]

[laughter]

- Butt.

Face.

- [unintelligible noises]

Dustin, have you had

any hallucinations?

[clucking]

[raspberries,
growls]

- Okay then.

Start shaving.

- Make sure you scrape off
all the dead skin.

- Um, okay,
I think we're done.

- I'll be the judge of that.

Yeah, smooth like a baby's butt.

- Bombs away.

ALL: [screaming]

- Come on, Logan.

- Yeah, weird stuff
happens here.

- Thank you.

- Would anyone like to ask me
a question?

'cause I prepared
these special reference cards

with all kinds of information.

- All right, we're gonna take
a 15-minute break.

There's Blake's doodle cakes
and cauliflower in the hallway.

- Coco, you gonna come
get a snack?

- I can't.
I'm on a new diet

and I've already eaten
all my calories for the day.

- It's 10:00 in the morning.

- Thank you.

Ah, you only live once.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Mm.
[laughs]

Oh.

[upbeat music]

[bell ringing]

- Okay.
We have about 15 minutes.

Ask any questions you want.

I'll be over there
trying to get rid of this scab

without making it bleed.

- I have a question for Zoey.
- Go ahead.

- Yeah, I've never lived away
from home before,

so without parents around,

who do you go to
when you need help

with personal stuff?

- Well, that's why
we have dorm advisers like Coco.

- [crying]

No, no.

Just leave me here to die.

k*ll me.

Go get a hammer, then come back

and k*ll me with it.

Do you want to know
what I got for Valentine's day?

A pretzel.

A big old pretzel
from the gas station.

I may not bathe
as much as other girls,

but I'm fun to be with, right?

Right?

We got in this huge fight

'cause he said
my mother's crazy.

Oh, yeah, my mother's crazy.

His mother makes baseball caps
for dogs.

What dog wants to walk around

with a rhinestone-studded
baseball cap?

What's going on in here?

What are those, bees?
- Yes.

- Hey. Hey.

What's happening?

- They're attracted
to your food.

Drop the ravioli.
- No.

- Oh, you still seeing
that nutritionist?

- No. She told me
I wasn't allowed to come back.

I got a new one who told me
I should eat more salads.

And notice, thousand island
dressing on the side.

- Isn't thousand island
really fattening?

- That's why I got it
on the side.

I mean, I give the guy
four years of my life, right?

I wash his underwear,
I fix the toilet,

I pop the pimples
he can't reach,

and he has the nerve to dump me
over the phone?

Okay, whatever.

- Hey, Coco.

You dropped your pillowcase.

- That is my underwear.

Oh God, what is that?

I'm complicated, all right?

- Who else has a question?

- I do.

Uh, Chase.
- Oh.

- Yeah, what's up?
- Okay.

This is a little embarrassing,

but I tend to be
sort of accident prone.

Is PCA a safe place
to go to school?

- Safe?

Uh.

Ah. Whoa.

Oh.
Ah.

- Uh.

- [grunting]

Whoa.

- Out of the way.

[people screaming]

- Oh.

- Ugh.

- [screams]

- Oh.
Oh.

[laser f*ring]

- [grunting]

[yelping]

- A customer's choking.

- [screams]
- Rachel, can I look?

Oh.

- Fire.
Kazu, your grill's on fire.

- Fire?
No, no.

Stay back.
Pull the fire alarm.

- What fire alarm?
- Over there.

ALL: [screaming]

MAN: Oh, my goodness.
[alarm ringing]

- [screams]

[siren]

Ow, Mark, baby.

Oh.

- What?

- Your eyebrows blew off.

- [whimpering]

STACEY: [screaming]

Ow.

My life is
an endless vortex of pain.

- Oh, he's gonna hit Lisa.

ALL: [screaming]
- Oh. Oh.

- Ugh.

- Ugh.

- Thank you.

- Who else
would like to ask something?

Yes?
- Zoey.

- [whimpers]

- Does PCA have a dress code?

- No, you can wear
pretty much whatever you want.

- Blah.

- You a magician?

- No, I'm a vampire.

- Okay, who are you?

- Lola.
- Oh, hey, Zoe.

- Hello.
- What's up, Zoe?

MAN: ♪ Well, I'm sorry if I
seem to be a bit confused ♪

♪ But I'm sadly undecided
on which side to choose ♪

♪ 'Cause our love
is so delicious ♪

♪ It's a sweet and vicious
wonderland ♪

- Come here, baby.
[smooches]

- Chase, what do kids at PCA
do for fun?

- Oh God.

I could think of a whole montage

of fun stuff we've done.

- Food fight.
- Food fight.

ALL: [yelling]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can we all be a little bit
more mature here?

Oh.

WOMAN: ♪ Don't think alone ♪

♪ Share it outloud ♪

♪ You could still
be yourself ♪

♪ And be part of the crowd ♪

♪ Even when you're not sure ♪

ALL: [shouting]

- ♪ You don't know
what you want ♪

♪ You can still give ♪

- ♪ So don't be afraid ♪

♪ To play the part ♪

♪ It's time to come on strong ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Let's turn Monday ♪

♪ Into a Saturday ♪

♪ And pull the sun ♪

♪ From out of the gray ♪

- Nice.

- Oh, if you're interested
in fun,

I make all sorts of objects

using only cotton swabs
and white glue.

See, I made--
- All right.

I'm getting my legs waxed
in 10 minutes,

so we have time
for one last question.

- Oh, I have one
for Zoey and Chase.

- Yeah?
- What's that?

- Are you guys
boyfriend and girlfriend?

- Why do you ask that?

- I don't know.
Just a vibe I was pickin' up.

- I'm Zoey.

- Chase, so are you,

like, a new student here at PCA?

Grape.

She's in trouble now.

Give me your lunch money.

Give me your lunch money
or I'll--ow.

Did you bite me?

- Maybe.

- Oh, it's on.

- You're lame
at throwing rocks.

- What?

- Here.

You got to snap your wrist
and then...

Bye.

- Oh, you're dead.

- Ooh, I'm scared.

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

- Oh.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah, it's very flattering.

- Do you need a drink of water?

- Yes, please.

You want to be alone?

MAN: ♪ A million raindrops ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Upon your face ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Tears disappear ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Without a trace ♪

- Did you explain to her
we're just friends?

- Yeah.

- And she said?

- That if I want her
to be my girlfriend

that I can't--

I can't hang out with you
anymore or talk to you.

So I dumped her.

- Let's see you kiss.

- Okay, listen, Trish...
- Fine. We'll kiss.

MAN: ♪ I'm crazy about
the way ♪

♪ That you look in my eyes ♪

♪ You make me feel
like I don't have to try ♪

♪ Crazy about you
every single day and night ♪

♪ Nobody makes me feel
so nice ♪

- Okay, that's it.
We're done.

- Ah.
COCO: Everyone follow me.

We're gonna meet
Dean Rivers outside

and take a tour of the campus.

- Wait, don't we have time
for just one more question?

Please.

I have so much knowledge
to share.

Ah.

WOMAN: ♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[bell dings]

MAN: Mmm.

CHASE: You dented my 'fro.