03x09 - Zoey's Balloon

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

DANGL: Now, as we've
been discussing

over the past few weeks,

psychology isn't just
talking about the feelings

we want to talk about.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

To really discover
what makes our brains tick,

we have to talk about
our inner feelings

that we don't want
to talk about.

- Um, why would we wanna talk
about stuff

we don't wanna talk about?

DANGL: Exactly. We wouldn't.

That's why we must.

Do you understand?

- Yes.
- Truthfully?

- No.

- Zoey, help him out.

- Are you saying
that keeping secrets

is a bad thing?
- No. No.

Oh, wait, yes.
That is what I'm saying.

Bluh. [chuckles]
Yes, yes.

You see, if you're open
and share your feelings,

even your deep dark secrets,

it can help free your mind

and help you be more comfortable

with who you really are.

Lola, share a secret.

- [sighs]

Well, okay.

Um, when I was really little,

I did have
kind of a bad experience.

[playful music]

MAN: Come try Harry's hot dogs,

where everyone's a wiener.

Come try Harry's hot dogs,

where everyone's a wiener.

Oh.

[grunting]

- [screaming]

And ever since, I've been afraid
of people in big costumes.

You know, mascots,

theme park characters,

Easter bunnies, all of 'em.

[laughter]

That's great.
This is nice.

Thank you.
Thanks for the laughter.

DANGL: Class.

Lola, don't you feel better

for having shared that secret
with your classmates?

- No, not at all.

DANGL: Really?

'Cause it says in my...

teaching handbook that--

in chapter seven...

Oh, yes.

I wasn't supposed to have you

reveal your secret out loud.

- Oh, super.

- [sighs]
Any which, um--

um, uh, tonight, um,

I want all of you
to write down

a secret about yourselves
on a piece of paper,

sign it, and then

bring it back to class
tomorrow.

- Who's gonna read it?
- No one.

- Then--then what's the point
of us--

- Just do as I say.

[upbeat music]

[knock at door]

- Two a-spicy California rolls

for one a-spicy Zoey Brooks.

- Just put the sushi
on the table.

- [clears throat]

- Here.

- Thank you.

So whatcha doin'?
French homework?

- No, psychology.
- Ah.

Writin' down
your little secret, are you?

- Maybe.

Excuse me.

- I wanna see.
- It's a secret.

CHASE: Come on.
I thought we were close friends.

You know, tight,
like road dawgs.

- Okay, you wanna read
my secret?

Here, read it.

Not in here.
- Why not?

- It's embarrassing.
Read it in the hall.

- Ooh, all right.

"I'm not telling you
my secret."

Are you kidding?

I feel duped.

[upbeat music]

MAN: ♪ Been on my mind ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But I can't see ♪

- All right, everyone,
come around me.

Come, come, come.

♪ ♪

Now, students,
today nature is going to be

our classroom.

- [laughs]
Does that mean that tree

is gonna be our restroom?

[laughs]

Please continue.
DANGL: Thank you.

Does everyone have their secret?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

DANGL: Fabulous.

Now, why am I holding
these helium balloons?

- We're gonna tie our secrets
to the balloons and let them go?

- Yes, to lift your burdens
off your shoulders

so you'll feel freer of spirit

and clearer of mind.

Questions?

- May I go to the tree?

[laughter]

- Oh, come on,
you people laugh at that?

I set that joke up.

- All right, no more fribble.

Everyone,
come fetch a balloon.

♪ ♪

- Ooh, I want a green one.

- Wait,
I don't want the pink one.

- Dude, it's not even pink.

It's more like a--
like a salmon.

- Oh, and that's supposed
to make me feel better?

- The salmon is the noblest
of all fish.

- I've heard that.
- Look, I do not want

a fish-colored balloon.

- I'll take the pink one.

- It's salmon.

Good job, Zoey.

- Okay, young people.

Tie your secrets securely
to your strings.

- Miss Dangl, I think
this is a fantastic idea.

When this horrendous secret
of mine floats up into the sky,

I know I'll feel
so much better--

I have such bad luck.

- Stacey, there's no such thing
as bad luck.

What you must do
is take the good

in your life and--

We'll chat later, Stacey.

And now, students,
I will play

some inspirational music
to underscore

this group cleansing.

On three.

Ready?

Five, four, three.

[inspirational music playing]

♪ ♪

- It's in the stratosphere.
- Bye, balloon.

WOMAN: Look how high it's going.
WOMAN: I'll miss you.

MICHAEL: I think they're gonna
hit the plane.

They are so high.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[mid-tempo music]

- "Dear Grandma, hi from PCA.

"It's just after midnight,

"so both my roommates
are asleep.

"Hey, did I ever tell you
that one of my roommates

"has to put
South African guppies

"in her nose
so she won't snore?

I know that sounds weird,
but it actually"--

[footsteps approaching]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

"Go online
to zoeysballoon.com."

♪ ♪

Zoeysballoon.com.

♪ ♪

DISTORTED VOICE:
Hello, Zoey.

I'm glad
you can follow instructions.

Listen closely.

I found your balloon.

And that means

I know your secret.

♪ ♪

Unless you do
exactly as I say,

I will tell your secret
to everyone at PCA.

Return to this website
tomorrow morning

for instructions.

And if you tell
anyone about this,

your secret
will be revealed to all.

Sweet dreams, Zoey.

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[keyboard keys clacking]

DISTORTED VOICE:
Good morning, Zoey.

Remember: If you don't do
exactly as I say,

I will reveal your secret
to everyone at PCA.

Now, here's
what you're going to do.

Down in the lobby,
in the storage room closet,

you will find a large
yellow banana suit.

[laughter]

[funky music]

[camera phones beeping]

WOMAN: ♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh, hey, Zo.
- Hello.

MICHAEL: What's up, Zo?

♪ ♪

[camera phones beeping]

♪ ♪

- Okay, I think
that's all the poppy seeds.

- No, I still feel one
between my molar and bicuspid.

- Well, it's your fault for
eating that poppy seed muffin.

- If we had left at 7:40
as I asked, we would've--

Oh, my God.
Zoey's a banana.

LOLA: And ever since,
I've been afraid

of people in big costumes.

- [grunting]

- [screaming]

B-big, fuzzy costume.

- Hey, guys.

- [screams]

[screaming]

- Well, at least
she didn't laugh at me

like everyone else has.

- Well, you can't blame people
for laughing.

The banana is the funniest
of all fruits.

Except for maybe the kumquat.

Kumquat.

Say it.
It's funny.

- Please don't make jokes.

This wasn't exactly my idea.

- Then why wear it?
- I can't say.

- Come on.
I'm your roommate.

I hear you burp
in your sleep.

- I do not burp in my sleep.

- Well, if you did,
I'd hear it.

Just tell me
why you're dressed as a banana.

- Come with me.

[soft music]

♪ ♪

- Someone's blackmailing you
and you have no idea who?

- Zero--
I don't know who it is,

and I don't know how he got
his hands on my balloon.

- You know,
why even worry about it?

I mean, even if he blabbed
your secret all over PCA,

would it really be that bad?
ZOEY: Yes.

I'd rather dress up
like a banana every day

for the rest of my life.

- Wow, what's your secret?

- I'm not telling my secret.
- All right, calm down.

Where's the original note
you got from the blackmailer?

♪ ♪

- Here.
- Wait.

♪ ♪

Just give me the note.

Hmm.

Interesting.

- You think you can figure out
who made it?

- I think so.

We're gonna run a fingerprint
and spectral analysis,

a paper-thread diagnostic,
and an adhesive polymer scan

to test the matrix
of the glue structure.

- Yes.
I was going to suggest that.

[dramatic music]

[machine beeping]

♪ ♪

[alarm clock blaring]

- [groans]

Oh, my God.
It's morning?

- We've been up all night?

- I've been up all night.

You guys crashed
at about 4:00 in the morning.

- Well, did you find out
where that note came from?

- No.
- Quinn.

- There are no fingerprints,
no hairs, no DNA,

no--no dandruff particles.

This guy's good.

- What are you doing?

- Checking the website
to find out

what horrible thing
this person's

gonna make me do today.

♪ ♪

DISTORTED VOICE:
Hello, Zoey.

You looked adorable
as a giant banana,

but today you're going
to do something different.

At 6:00 p.m.,
you are to report

to central campus,
just west of the library.

You will bring a large boom box
and a CD

of the 1994 hit song
The Macalana.

LOLA: What's The Macalana?

- I've read about it.

The Macalana
was the most embarrassing

song and dance
of the 20th century.

It was like a big zit
on the face of the '90s.

- Shh.

DISTORTED VOICE:
At exactly 6:05,

you will stand on a table

and dance the Macalana

at full volume.

- No!

DISTORTED VOICE:
If you fail to do this,

your balloon-note secret

will be emailed
to every student at PCA.

Have fun, Zoey.

I'll be watching you dance.

- Are you gonna do it?

- What choice do I have?

- Where are you going?

- Zoey.

- I just wanna be alone.

- I feel so bad for her.
- I know.

I just--
Oh, I'm so stupid!

LOLA: What?
QUINN: Zoey's blackmailer

is sending messages
through a website.

LOLA: So?

- With an IP address,
I might be able

to pinpoint the exact location

of whoever created the website.

- Well, then type things
and push buttons.

- I'm typing.
I'm pushing.

[upbeat music]

[knock at door]

♪ ♪

- Hello, FireWire.

- Why are you
blackmailing Zoey?

- [screams]

[all grunting]

No, no.
Leave me alone.

Just back off.
I'm serious.

[imitating lightsaber hum]

Thanks a lot, force.

- Why are you
blackmailing Zoey?

- It's not me.
- I traced the website's

IP address to this room,
your computer.

- Okay, okay,
it did come from my computer,

but I just helped the person
create the website.

I swear.

- Then who'd you create
the website for?

- Who's blackmailing Zoey?

- I can't say.
I promised.

Now, you guys
better leave me alone

or I swear I'll call Dean Riv--

[groans]

- How do you do that?
- Just grab a foot.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Wakey, wakey.

- Are you ready to tell us
who's blackmailing Zoey?

- No.
I'm not tellin'.

- Uh-oh.

- We didn't wanna have
to do this, but...

- What?

- Does this look familiar?

- You took my
Galaxy Wars action figures?

- All of them.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, tell us
who's blackmailing Zoey

or Princess Oblangata's
gonna take a bath.

- A bath?
- In chloropeptic acid.

- You can't do that.
She's in her original packaging.

[liquid bubbling]

[gasps]
No!

- If you wanna save
the princess,

then you better tell us
who's blackmailing Zoey.

- Help her, FireWire.
You're her only hope.

- I'm not telling you anything.

- Okay, then...

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- No!

♪ ♪

No!

[crying]

♪ ♪

No!

Not my Nug Nug.

He's in mint condition.

♪ ♪

Okay.
I'll tell you.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Zoey.
- There you are.

- What?
- We found out

who's been blackmailing you.

- Get out.
- We know.

- Come on.

[slow rock music]

♪ ♪

- I know it's you, Rebecca.

- Huh.
What do you mean, Zoey?

- That you're the one
blackmailing me.

- Aw, now, Zoey,
what would make you think

that I'm the one
who found your pink balloon

and your little secret note
attached to it?

- Are you denying it?
- Nope, it was me.

- Why?
What'd I ever do to you?

- You made Chase
break up with me.

- No, she didn't.

QUINN: Chase broke up with you

'cause you're a bucket of nuts.

- Huh.

Well, think what you want.

But, um, Zoey,

you better get going,
'cause you gotta dance

the Macalana on a table
in central campus

in less than 20 minutes.
- What?

- It's over.
- You're busted.

- Doesn't matter,
because I know your secret.

And if you don't do what I say,

I'm gonna email
the entire school

and make sure everyone knows
your secret.

Now, I'm gonna go wait,

'cause I'm really
looking forward

to watching you
look like an idiot

in front of this whole school.

♪ ♪

- Well, now what?

- I better go get the boom box.

- Zoey.

- If that girl tells

this whole school my secret,

I'm gonna have to leave PCA.

So it's Macalana time.

[slow pop music]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

I'm not gonna do it.

You hear me, Rebecca?

I'm not doing it.

♪ ♪

- Okay.
Then I'm gonna do this.

♪ ♪

Everyone, if I could have
your attention, please.

Thank you.

Uh, most of us here at PCA
know Zoey Brooks.

Well, I know a little secret
about Zoey

you might be interested in.

♪ ♪

- But first...

I have a little secret
about myself.

Okay, um,

when I went
to my uncle's wedding

when I was five years old,

I was the flower girl.

[laughter]

Yeah, I know.
Laugh it up.

[laughter]

- Well, Zoey's secret
is a little

more embarrassing than that.

- I have a secret.

The first time I wore a bra,

I couldn't figure out
how to get it off

and my mom had to help me.

[laughter]

- Nice.

- Yeah, well
that's embarrassing

but not nearly as embarrassing

as what I'm gonna tell you
about Zoey.

- Every year,

when my parents drop me off
at PCA,

I cry for two hours.

[laughter]
Yeah, just crying.

Just all day.
[cheers and applause]

- I have six toes
on my right foot.

[cheers and applause]

MICHAEL: That's disgusting.

Yeah.

- Every dog I ever had

bit me and ran away.

[scattered applause]

- I wish I was Ryan Seacrest.

[scattered cheers]

MICHAEL: All right.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- I never got
my degree in teaching.

MAN: Yeah.
[cheers and applause]

- We got a teacher
that's as smart as us.

That's what I'm talking about.

- And guess what.

You guys know the suntan lotion,

Golden Tone?

- Yeah.
- Yes, yeah.

- Well, the picture
of the little girl

on the bottle showing
her bare butt?

That was me
when I was four years old.

[cheers and applause]

And you know what I feel
like doing now?

- What?
- The Macalana.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

- Zoey!
MAN: ♪ Come on, everybody ♪

♪ We're gonna do the Macalana ♪

QUINN: Whoo-hoo!

♪ ♪

MAN: Uno, dos, tres.

♪ Put your arms out there,
flip them if you wanna ♪

♪ Cross them on your chest
just like Madonna ♪

- Shake it.
- Yeah.

MAN: ♪ Hey, Macalana ♪
- Macalana.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, shake it ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Uno, dos, tres ♪

♪ Do it in Chicago
and in Atlanta ♪

♪ Do it in Hawaii
and in Havana ♪

♪ In London,
in Rome ♪

♪ Brazil and Tijuana ♪

♪ Hey, Macalana ♪

♪ Hey, Macalana ♪

♪ Hey, Macalana ♪

♪ Hey, Macalana ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey, Macalana ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

FIREWIRE: Thanks a lot, force.