01x07 - The Play

[bunniefuu]

I'm getting pretty good at this parallel parking.

That's not what this is, but okay.

You know, it was fun sightseeing with you.

How'd you know where all those celebrities lived?

I've done some light stalking in my day.

Ugh, look at this poor guy.

He's got, like, ten tickets and a boot.

I've seen this car. It's been here for like a month.

Who leaves their car like this?

Well, whoever he is, he's a big fan of mine.

He's got a stack of my headshots in the front seat.

Joey, when you bought your new car, you did return the rental, right?

Nope.

Hey, what are you doing here so early?

I just had to get out of that salon.

I hate work so much.

I knew I should've been a corrections officer like that test said.

Are you still having problems whth your boss?

Yeah. Viktor's such a creep. He's always standing over me

and criticizing me, telling me what to do.

Like Mom with a mustache.

Have you seen Mom lately?

Why do you work at a job that makes you crazy, Mom?

Easy, College.

In the real world, work isn't always a picnic.

Oh, please, you make pretend for a living.

Uh, I have done my time in the trenches.

- Oh, yeah? Doing what?
- Digging!

What other job do you do in a trench?

I just wish I had my own place.

This way, instead of working for this horrible boss, I could be the horrible boss.

Oh, yeah, you'd be good at that. You're always telling us what to do.

Yeah.

"Michael, don't sit so close to the TV, you'll go blind."

Yeah, or, "Hey, Joey, get your hand out of your pants!"

Or "Michael, tell Joey to get his hand out of his pants."

So why don't you open your own place?

'Cause I don't have the money.

You must have some.

I did.

Now I don't.

All right, I gotta get going back there.

- See ya.
- Bye.

She seems miserable. I wish there was something we could do to help.

You could give her some money. Start her own salon.

I meant, like, buy her a cake.

Oh, come on. You got to have some money saved up.

I do, yeah. But that money's safety net for me.

And besides, it's not a good time for me to be spending money.

I'm in a new city, I don't have a job, I got $1,200 in parking tickets...

from a car I still haven't returned!

But even if it's not a great time right now,

I mean, it's not like you have to give her all your money.

Michael, I can't dip into my savings, all right?

There are harsh realities to being an actor.

That money is specifically set aside in cawe I ever lose my looks.

What? Why?

I mean, even if you turn ugly, you're such a great actor,

you'll still get tons of work.

That is weak, dude.

I cannot wait for my entire body to feel what my feet are feeling.

How many hours a day do you spend in here?

Well, my record is nine, but, uh...

I was passed out for five of them.

Oh, one of the kids lost his little m*llitary men.

Sergeant Dropkick!

So, Eric's coming home tonight.

Your husband? Oh, great, great.

I finally get to meet him. He's been gone so long.

I know, but now his orchestra's playing in town.

Oh. What instrument does he play?

The viola.

Lin.

Violin.

Thanks.

Listen, about Eric, there's one tiny problem.

I mentioned my new pal Joey to him,

and I got the impression that he was a bit threatened.

Come on. By me?

Yeah, well, I told him about the two of us hanging out

and I guess he thinks it's weird, his wife doing stuff with a single guy.

That's ridiculous!

I've always had women friends, and there's nothing sexual about it.

I love the way women think,

I love the way they laugh,

I love the...

I love their soft hands,

I love the small of their back,

the curve of their... Oh, I see why he'd be upset.

But it's not like anything would ever happen with us.

And it's a little insulting.

Like I can't handle a couple of weeks alone.

Like I can't go that long.

Like I've just got to have it, and any man will do.

Alex, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I do not have to have it!

I don't!

Okay, look, he'll see that there's nothing between us

and that he has nothing to worry about, and he'll be fine, right?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

And a little tip:

maybe, just maybe,

if you knew the name of the instrument he played,

he might not feel so threatened.

No, I know what a violin is...

There you go!

Hey, Gina, sorry I'm late for lunch.

That's okay, I'm just finishing up here.

So where's this Viktor guy you keep complaining about?

Around lunchtime he either goes to the g*n shop next door

or the strip club on the corner.

Nice neighborhood, by the way.

So, tell me about your day. I'm bored stiff here.

I just found out that Alex's husband thinks it's weird that we hang out.

Well, it is a little weird.

I mean, a married woman and a single guy...?

Oh-oh, not okay.

Oh, you speak English.

Five years.

Look, you guys hanging out would be okay if you

knew her before she was married, which you didn't.

Or if you're friends with them as a couple, which you're not.

Or if you were gay, which... would be okay.

Will you stop with that?

He's an actor-- the lines are blurred.

What, so you're saying I can't be friends with Alex?

No, just maybe lay low while her husband's around.

Otherwise, he's going to be threatened by you.

You're a good-looking guy.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Sometimes I wish I was only an eight and a half.

Gina! I have some bad news. No paycheck tonight.

All money from register went down stripper's panties.

Who is this?

This is my brother. He's visiting me.

Oh, I forgot. This is not a salon.

This is Viktor's House for Family Reunion, huh?

I'll, uh, I'll get out of your way.

The magazine is only for customers.

So is the chair.

So is floor.

Oh, come on!

- Hey.
- Hey.

By the way, the rental car is still there.

That's what this is for!

Oh, hey, I went by your mother's salon today. I met her boss.

- Pretty horrible, huh?
- Yeah.

The guy's like a Russian Joseph Stalin.

I can't believe she has to work there.

Well, there is a way to fix that.

Give her some money.

Oh, Michael, I don't know, I...

But just uhink about everythingshe's done for you.

She found you this place, she, she made it into a home.

If the situation were reversed

she'd do it for you in a heartbeat.

Yeah, that's true.

And it would just be a loan. I mean, she'll pay you back.

In fact, she'd probably let you name the salon.

Ooh!

"The Hair Place!"

No! "The Hair Up There!"

No, no, no! "Captain Fabuloso's Cave of Hair!"

Okay, okay. Let's do it.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

It's the right thing to do.

Oh, God! Can I call her and have her come over so we can tell her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna take a quick dip in the hot tub,

so say, two, three hours?

All right.

Okay, time for relaxation, men. You've earned it.

Oh.

Evening.

Sorry. I'll try back later.

No, no, no. Not at all.

Come on. There's room in here for both of us.

Uh, not the way I hot-tub.

All right, well, I'll try not to keep you and your "men" waiting long.

What, these? These aren't mine.

Thanks. So, I, uh... haven't, uh, haven't seen you around here before.

Well, my orchestra's been on tour.

Oh, you must be Eric, Alex's husband.

I'm... I'm Joey.

You're Joey?

Oh, thank God!

Oh, God.

Man, that is great.

Yeah.

What?

No, it's just that Alex said she'd been spending a lot of time with you recently.

And I was just, I was expecting something else, that's all.

Look, it is really great to meet you.

Yeah. You too.

Uh, so, we're good?

Oh, yeah, we're good.

Why are we good?

What the hell's that thing for?

Hey. So, Mom's on her way over

and I'm looking at the commercial real estate listings--

- Hey! Do you find me threatening?
- Not until this very moment.

Alex tells me her husband is paranoid I'll steal her away.

Then, he meets me, and suddenly everything's fine.

Well, maybe he just thinks you're not Alex's type.

Please, I've done it lots of times where no one was anyone's type.

He doesn't think I'm good looking.

I can't believe this.

I'm about to give away my Lose My Looks fund

and now I'm actually losing my looks?

Joey... you look great.

I mean, it was just the other day,

you were up on that step stool and I couldn't help admiring your calf muscle.

I kind of knew you were looking.

- It's me!
- Oh, great.

I can't wait to tell her about the salon.

- Why do you get to tell her?
- 'Cause ygu get to name it.

Oh, that's right.

I'm really trying to imagine what's so important that it can't wait till after JAG.

All right, come on, Mom. Sit down.

There's something we want to tell you.

Oh, my God. JAG got canceled?

No, sit down. Sit down.

Here.

What's this?

It's a loan.

It's not that much, but,

hopefully, it's enough to get you started.

Get me started with what?

Captain Fabuloso's Cave of Hair.

Mom...

it's for your own salon.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, no. This is too much.

No, no, no, no. We want you to have it.

Oh, this must be all the money in your Lose Your Looks fund.

Oh, thank you, thank you so much.

And, um, I'm going to cash in my savings bond, too,

which I know it's not a lot of money, but it's yours.

Oh, honey, you are so sweet,

but I cashed that in, like, five years ago to help pay for your braces.

I didn't have braces.

You guys are the best.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I need to go in my room and study. What are you gonna do?

Well, I'm luring Alex's husband over here with a pretend maintenance problem--

because he's the super--

but my real plan is to prove to him that I'm sexy.

We lead very different lives, you and I.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So there's some kind of problem with the fireplace?

Yeah, the flue seems to be all blocked up and I was hoping to light a fire.

It's 80 degrees out.

Ah, well, I'm always chilly.

I have very, very, very low body fat.

- Really?
- Yeah, well, me, too.

Actually, I'm about 11%. What about you?

Zero.

Okay, I'll just, I'll check out the fireplace.

Oh, would you look what someone left lying around.

Soap Opera Digest from 1997.

Look at that. Huh?

"Most Sexy Newcomer: Joey Tribbiani."

Who writes this fluff?

That's an old photo, too,back from my modeling days.

You were a male model?

Well, I was, yeah, but I was,

uh, run out of the business for being too promiscuous.

Say, you, uh, you look like you could use a hand there.

Uh, no, no, I'm good, actually.

Either way, either way.

Maybe I'll just roll up the ol' pant leg and lend a hand.

Oh! It barely, barely fits over my muscular calves.

Look.

Okay. All right.

I-I see what's going on here.

You're gay.

What?

No!

But if I was, I'd be attracted to myself.

Well...

Here's your problem.

How on earth did a wad of newspaper got up there?

I don't know, but, uh...

it's today's paper.

Honey, Bill just called. Rehearsal got moved up an hour.

Ah, geez, I'd better get a move on.

I'll hold dinner.

Oh, no, no, um...

Oh, have it with Joey,

and I opened a great bottle of wine. Don't let it go to waste, all right?

And, Joey? Be careful, okay?

When she drinks, she will want to dance for you.

- So, do you want to come over...?
- What the hell was that?

Oh, okay.

Your husband isn't threatened by me at all!

Oh. Well, that's great.

No, it's not. Why isn't he?

Maybe he thinks you're not my type.

Okay, I did not want to have to do this, but take a look!

Why doesn't he think I'm a thr*at?

I don't know, but if it will make you feel better, I guess I could ask.

Yeah, do that, as soon as he's done playing his viola.

Damn it! Now you got me saying it!

Now, this is a nice space.

Good street traffic. There's great parking.

Look, there's already plumbing for a bunch of sinks.

We could put those over here.

God, there's so much room. You could practically roller skate in here.

How good are you at cutting hair on skates?

So, what do you think of it?

Well, it seems nice.

Nice? Oh, Gina, this is definitely the best place we've seen,

and once you sign the lease, you can order the equipment and start hiring people.

And then you can fire people,

and you'll actually have the authority to do it,

not like that time we went to Home Depot

and you started f*ring anyone who wouldn't wait on you.

I mean, I haven't even said yes to this place and you have me hirino employees.

Well, yeah. There must be room for, like, six stylists in here.

Oh, they're going to have to learn how to skate, too.

Six stylists? That's a big operation.

Mom, you just gotta use a little imagination.

We're gonna paint the walls, okay?

We'll put some new tile down.

You're kind of throwing a lot of stuff at me.

Oh!

If we put mirrors on this wall...

and mirrors on this wall,

then the bird and the fish can look at each other.

Bird and fish?

Captain Fabuloso's a pirate.

No. Mom, I think we should take this place right now,

'cause if we don't, someone else will.

Maybe I should sleep on it.

Come on. You gotta make a decision.

I can't do this right now. I gotta go.

What did we do?

Oh, you know what?

I bet she wants this to be her place

and we're totally telling her what to do and taking over.

Well...

I guess that's true.

You guess?!

Come on, dude, some of your ideas were pretty stupid.

- Hey, Alex.
- Hey.

So, uh, did you, did you talk to your husband?

Did he tell you why he's not threatened by me?

Oh, yeah, let's just forget about that.

You did talk to him.

I want to know what he said.

Maybe he thinks I'm too attractive.

He thinks you could never get a guy like me.

No. And wow.

All right. Then, what?

Okay, well, he thinks...

you're goofy.

Goofy?

Well, he makes snap judgments about people,

and he saw you as this out-of-work actor

who sits in the Jacuzzi all day and plays with toys.

They're not toys, they're heroes, but...

Okay, all right. Well, uh... great, mystery solved.

I'll, uh... Good to know.

I-I'll, I'll talk to you later, okay?

Wait, Joey.

You don't think that he's right,

that you're goofy, do you?

Well, I want to say no, you know,

but then I look at these drawings of dragons I was doing all day, and...

But that's sweet.

and there's much more to you than what he sees.

I mean... You're so good.

I see how nice you are to everyone in the building and to your nephew,

and you gave your sister money to start her own business.

How'd you know that?

The walls are thin, and I'm a little nosy.

And it's not just the way you treat other people.

Iv's the way you treat me.

What do you mean?

You always ask me about my day.

You know I'm lonely, so you include me in stuff.

And to be this sweet and as great-looking as you are,

my husband may not be threatened, but maybe he should be.

But more than anything, you're just goofy.

Yeah, yeah, I got the dragons to prove it.

Yeah, right.

Come in.

Okay, look, Gina, we just came by to say that we're sorry, all right?

We were throwing a lot of ideas at you. Some of them were good,

some of them were Michael's,

but we just want you to know that we are gonna back off.

Yeah. From now on, the salon, it's your project.

Yeah, yeah, you won't be getting any more input from us.

Although it would be cool if the fish was a Japanese fighting fish. Oay, I'm done.

You guys, that's not why I was upset.

Then what was it?

It's just... I don't want my own salon.

Hey, Gina, look, I know what it's like to start something new.

When I moved out here from New York...

Oh, I cannot hear this again.

People move all the time. Get over it.

Wow.

It does seem to come up a lot.

The point is...

it's natural to be scared.

I am not scared.

It's just that when we were looking at that place today,

I realized that I don't want to start my own business.

- You don't?
- No.

It sounds like a lot of work.

I mean, don't you realize this is the first time

since you were born that I haven't had a ton of responsibility?

And don't get me wrong, raising you was the best thing I ever did, but...

it was work.

I thought you said I was a really easy kid.

Honey, the therapist told me to tell you that.

Look, I appreciate what you guys are trying to do,

but at least you helped me realize that I'm too good to work for Viktor.

I am gonna quit.

- Hey, that's great.
- Mom, good for you.

- Good for you.
- It's twesome.

I know. I just finished writing my letter of resignation.

You think "dumbass" should be hyphenated?

Well, when it's followed by that word... and that word,

I wouldn't worry so much about the punctuation.

Oh, and Joey, you should know that I got a couple of different job leads,

and as soon as one pans out, I'll give you back most of your money.

Yeah... most?

Enough about me.

How are you handling the move from New York?

I thought you would never ask.

Well, I did it.

I am finally done with the rental car.

- You paid all the tickets?
- Uh-huh.

- You got the boot taken off?
- Yup.

And you returned it? To the right place?

Yes. And yes.

I am taking off this string.

What the hell is this one for?!