[Tommy] Attend the tale of d*ck Turpin,
the most "legendariest" highwayman
Essex has ever known.
He bravely battled
thieftakers, outwitted witches,
and became a hero
to all who heard his name. Until...
he was revealed to be a big, wimpy coward
who hated Hempstead and hated all of you.
Especially the women and children.
[jeering]
Total lies.
d*ck loved women and children.
And he never stood on us.
I miss not being stood on.
But fear not, for I, Tommy Silversides,
am a true highwayman of the people.
- Don't touch me.
- [villagers cheering]
See?
Didn't take long
for them to turn on Turpin.
[stammers] They haven't turned on him.
They're just distracted by that stupid,
gorgeous, irresistible idiot, Tommy.
And it's your job
to ensure they stay that way.
And if I do,
promise me you won't k*ll him.
- Yes, yes. We've been over all this.
- Or t*rture him.
Darling, it's a t*rture dungeon.
There's bound to be a little t*rture.
Promise me, Mum.
[groans]
I promise not to t*rture
or m*rder d*ck Turpin.
- Happy?
- Yes, thank you. [sighs]
Oh, I do miss
these mother-daughter bonding times.
- [chuckles]
- [groans]
[gasps] Oh, we should do a spa day.
- [chuckles]
- [crowd cheering]
[Tommy] Guys, stop.
You're embarrassing me. No more.
[groans] Three cheers
for our heroic new highwayman!
- [crowd] Hooray!
- You are too kind.
Get out of here. Turn around.
Seriously, I hate being touched.
[theme music playing]
[prisoners clamoring]
[keys jingling]
[d*ck] Looks better already.
[groans] Oh, knickers. Not you again.
[chuckles]
Geoffrey, you're my first visitor.
Have you brought me a cake
with a file hidden inside it?
Not for the bars.
Just my nails are out of control.
- [chuckles]
- I'm your guard.
After all that witch malarkey,
I went into the private sector
to get away from idiots like you,
so this is just my luck.
Geoffrey, I'm really glad you're here.
Is this definitely the cell booked for me?
Not a more spacious one with an en suite?
There is an en suite.
That bucket over there. Look.
When it rains, the ceiling leaks
so, you know, that's basically a shower.
- Shower, just for me?
- No, no. All the other lads as well.
What's the food like?
Ooh. Uh, there's a bit of dried moss
on that back wall, if you fancy it.
Goody. I'll have a lick later.
So, I'm sure my g*ng
are on their way to save me,
but just in case,
is there an escape route?
Nah, nah. No, no escaping, Turpin.
That's why they call this place
"Your Annoying Second Cousin's Wedding."
'Cause no matter how hard you try,
there's just no getting out of it.
[scoffs]
- Ta-ra, mate.
- Where you going?
Oh. Ironically,
it's my second cousin's wedding.
So... [groans]
[sighs]
{\an8}Welcome to your first evaluation meeting.
{\an8}I can see you all
received your new uniforms.
{\an8}You're gonna look superb
in the background. Especially you, Nell.
Save it, Tommy.
You can flatter me all you like.
Yeah, you can bat those beautiful eyes.
You can even kiss me.
It won't work.
I dare you to kiss me.
Kiss me, please.
- Kiss me. Here.
- Nell, that's weird.
Mr. Silversides. [chuckles] Tommy.
Mr. Silversides.
- Not that these uniforms aren't great...
- Mm-hmm.
...but, uh,
do you have anything more loose-fitting?
d*ck always said clothes are a way
of expressing your individuality, right?
Why on earth would I want you
to express your individuality? No.
I want you to play your designated roles.
- [sighs]
- Moose, the violent heavy.
[sighs]
Honesty, the brainless psychopath.
And Nell, the woman.
Okay, I-I'm not brainless,
and Nell's not a woman.
Well, I... I am a woman.
But I'm not the woman.
You know... Well, okay,
technically, I am the only woman here.
So, in a sense, I am the woman,
but I... What does that even mean?
It means that you roll your eyes at
the wacky, hilarious things the boys say.
Well, I won't be rolling them much then.
[both laugh]
Yes, you will, so give it a try.
[sighs]
- Uh-uh. More.
- [sighs]
[Tommy] No. More. I want full circles.
If I do it any more,
I'll detach my retinas.
Then detach them.
- What?
- [Moose] Please, Mr. Silversides.
This isn't how we did things with d*ck.
[sighs] He taught us to be kind and free
and true to who we are.
Yeah, but I hate who you are.
- I mean, it's nothing personal.
- Mmm. That does sound quite personal.
Oof. Are you missing him?
- Yeah.
- You wanna leave?
- Mmm, little bit.
- Okay. Off you go.
But how long do you think a stupid lump
like you would survive alone out there
before being ground up into piggy feed?
Lump?
Look, Nell, say something.
Just do what he says, guys.
Tommy's the leader now, so...
Thank you, the woman.
Much better, Nell.
Okay, maintain eye contact.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Round! Work those hips. Feel the burn.
Keep pushing down.
Forward. Back. Forward. Back.
One. Double-time.
[panting]
Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster.
- [Honesty] Hands in the air.
- [Nell] Don't move!
- [Moose] This is a robbery.
- [Honesty] Stand and deliver.
Come on! Projection! Enunciation!
This is a performance.
Give it some oomph.
♪ It's Tommy
Tommy, Tommy, Tommy Silversides ♪
It's flat. It's flat!
It's flat.
Can you not hear yourselves?
Again.
[whines] What are you doing? Guys, stop.
What are you doing?
You're not robbing me again, are you?
Hey! I thought we were friends!
Sorry, Craig. Boss's orders.
Hey, don't go in that drawer!
That's my private drawer!
- It's private!
- Not anymore.
[whimpers]
I've reported you to the Warlock Council
for unlicensed enchanting.
Oh, yeah? No worries.
Say good night, my friend.
- Sleep b*mb!
- [glass shatters]
[fizzling]
[whines]
Give it a little minute.
It might still work.
- Get him out.
- Moose! Honesty! [whimpers]
What am I gonna do for money?
You can't do this. Where's d*ck?
[Tommy] Thank you for coming.
It's people like you who inspire me
to just keep robbing people like you.
[chuckles]
I've just found my next target.
[snoring]
[John] I should've known when you became
a highwayman, you'd end up behind bars.
[grunts]
Dad, am I really here?
Or am I hallucinating?
I've only eaten moss for a week.
You're dreaming, Son.
I'm just a pig-meat of your imagination.
Yeah, this must be a dream.
There's no way
you'd eat a carrot in real life.
You let fame get to your head, Son.
Didn't listen to your g*ng
when they warned you of the danger,
and now they're out there alone.
- I know. I'm a bit worried about them.
- I wouldn't be.
If they really cared,
they would've rescued you by now.
But it's not that simple.
They don't know where I am.
If they really cared,
they would've found out where you are.
Well, should we give them a bit more time?
- Yeah, but if they really cared...
- Yeah, all right.
They don't care. I'm getting it.
Listen, my g*ng will find me,
and they'll rescue me,
and then d*ck Turpin will ride again.
I mean, it'll be slightly harder.
I'm just a head now, but I'll find a way.
[swans honking]
[d*ck] Carol and Sue.
Benny, what are you doing here?
This is the weird bit before you wake up.
{\an8}The Ruin. Economic hub of Hempstead.
{\an8}It is the perfect target.
{\an8}High cash turnover,
multiple income streams, run by a child.
{\an8}Yeah, I mean, we can't rob The Ruin.
It's the only decent pub around.
Plus, Little Karen is our friend.
Right, guys?
You were right before, Nell.
We should just listen to Tommy.
Tommy's a wise leader.
Wh-What have you done to them?
I've just won them round
with my charismatic leadership.
And I don't let them sleep.
But Moose needs 16 hours a day
to function.
He's like a basset hound.
No, he needs to do what I say.
What's this, Moosey?
There's a good boy. Yes.
Ah. Gently.
- [snorts]
- There we are.
See that? I'm the big-boy leader.
Numéro un. That's French again.
Come on now, give in, yeah?
Let these Silver-suds wash over you.
[breathes shakily]
No.
I will not be Silversudded.
We are nice highwaymen with panache.
Low v*olence, high pay.
Oh, my God. What have I become?
You know the deal, Nell.
You got a problem, take it up with Mummy.
[Nell] Mum, I need to talk to you.
[stammers] Shoes!
It's an Axminster rug. We know this.
[scoffs]
Oh, God.
Tommy wants us to rob The Ruin.
- Don't shout. Inside voice, please.
- [sighs] Okay.
[faintly] Tommy wants us to rob The Ruin.
Now I can't hear you at all.
[normal] Tommy wants us to rob The Ruin.
I don't want to shock you, darling,
but criminals
do tend to do a little bit of crime.
That pub is the heart of the village.
The alcohol is the blood.
The... [stammering]
That's where that metaphor ends.
But... [sighs] ...rob that pub,
and Hempstead's done.
Yes, and then we move on.
Did you really think
our plans ended with Hempstead?
Soon we'll have a Tommy Silversides
in every county.
A network of celebrity highwaymen,
all heralded as folk heroes
whilst robbing
the great British public blind.
Well, you will never find
enough highwaymen willing to work for you.
I don't need highwaymen, darling.
Where do you think I got Tommy?
Wait, he's... he's... [stammers]
That's right. Which is why I need you.
Well, the only person I wanna work for
is d*ck Turpin.
Yes, but this time tomorrow,
he'll be dead, so...
[gasps] Oh, I didn't mean to say that.
[scoffs, stammers]
You promised me you wouldn't k*ll him.
[clicks tongue, scoffs] This is so unfair!
But I have to, darling.
He is too good an influence on you.
Look at you.
Sensitive, empathetic, morally pure.
[scoffs] I am worried.
I will not let you do this.
[clicks tongue] Oh, sweetie.
Try and stop me.
[scoffs]
Oh. Oh, dear.
[gasping]
Yeah.
[Geoffrey] Oi, Turpin, wake up!
What the bloody hell's happened to you?
How have you grown that thing so quickly?
Only been in here a week.
What, this? It's not real, is it?
I made this out of rats' eyelashes.
[chuckles] I mean, traditionally,
people think of the rat
as being quite an ugly creature,
but up close, they've got quite beautiful,
long eyelashes.
Anyway, some light reading for you.
[sniffles] Yeah, looks like your g*ng
aren't missing you at all, are they?
[laughs] You're not going anywhere.
This couldn't get any worse.
- [thunder rumbles, crashes]
- Ooh!
Shower time, you monsters!
One block at a time!
- [prisoners clamoring]
- [sighs] They're on their way.
{\an8}I'm telling you guys,
Tommy is not who he says he is.
Oh, Nell.
We were in denial too
before we accepted the truth.
d*ck just wasn't that into us.
Shut up, you idiots.
Look.
[Tommy]
That is not how it's supposed to go.
You somersault up into the tree,
grab a branch, then I drop down.
You have got to be out of sight.
Otherwise, they'll see it wasn't me.
I absolutely apologize.
I'm sorry, Mr. Silversides.
Not good enough.
Hair and makeup, come. Come.
Right, this wig, it is itchy,
badly fitted,
and not nearly swishy enough.
I need it to swish like d*ck's.
Give me d*ck swish.
Away. Isabelle. Reginald. Priscilla.
I need to see genuine amazement
when we reach the next village.
Gasps when you see me.
Show me right now. Show me.
- [gasps] Wow.
- Who is he?
- Oh, wow!
- Incredible!
No, no, no, no, no.
God, what do I pay you for?
Where's the truth? Look at me!
[exclaiming]
[stammers]
Twenty-five years I've been acting.
Man, boy and baby.
You know what they used to say about me?
God, I can still hear it now:
"Child Star Shines As m*rder*d Infant."
So I know what I'm talking about,
you guys.
[breathes deeply] Everyone take five.
I'm gonna be in my trailer.
His name's not even Tommy Silversides.
It's Albert Crumb.
{\an8}If he's an actor,
this means d*ck didn't actually leave us.
[chuckles] He still loves us.
- Yes.
- Tommy faked everything.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- The fans, the stunts,
- pretending to fancy you.
- Yes.
He didn't fake that.
No, he was, um... [clicks tongue]
he was actually quite taken aback by me.
Yeah. That happens a lot with me and guys.
What can you do?
But wait. How come you know all this?
There's a lot I need to tell you. Come on.
Hello? Is anyone going to help me down?
{\an8}[Moose]
So, your mom's the head of the Syndicate?
You lied to us.
You betrayed your own g*ng.
It's gonna take quite some time
for me to ever trust you again, Nell.
- Okay. I'm ready. Now, where's d*ck?
- He's in a secret Syndicate prison.
So secret they have to blindfold
the horses that ride there.
We should still ask the horses anyway.
Just in case they've heard anything.
Sounds like you guys
need a man on the inside.
It's the name
of the cocktail that I've just created
because it has a tiny little man
on the inside.
Mmm. I think that's a frog.
Just give it a second.
- Yeah, what are you doing here, Craig?
- Me?
Oh, uh, Little Karen hired me after
you lot and Tommy put me out of business.
So I work here now.
By the way,
you know my name's not actually Craig?
I just call myself Craig
'cause it sounds more "warlock-y."
My real name is so boring.
It's, uh, Balthazar the Magnificent.
Right.
Get back to work, Craig.
It's only a trial shift.
[whimpers] Sorry, boss.
Look, if you guys really wanna find d*ck,
then you need an in.
Like how I've got this job
with Little Karen.
It's a hookup. Right, boss?
[shouting]
Why are there frogs everywhere, Craig?
Sorry, boss.
I actually can't believe I'm saying this,
but Balthazar is right.
- It's "Craig."
- We need an in.
Nell, we don't know
anyone else in the Syndicate.
Except... Well...
Of course!
- Yes!
- [Moose] Let's go!
[stammers] Moose, uh, uh, uh,
just tell me on the way because
I don't know what we're talking about.
All right, Turpin,
time to get you tortured.
Tortured? What for?
It's a nice little parting gift
from Helen Gwinear.
This one's a bit of a celebrity
by all accounts,
so give him the full VIP treatment.
"Very Invasive Probing."
Enjoy.
Yeah. Now's not a great time for me.
Perhaps we could reschedule.
- Hello, Turpin.
- [gasps]
Hey, d*ck. Cool cell.
J-dog? Christopher? What a surprise!
Your g*ng paid me a visit.
Told me about your incarceration.
It delighted me,
the prospect of you rotting in a cell.
It made me feel warm and fuzzy.
But now that I'm here, can I just say
- it's so wonderful to see you.
- [Christopher] Dad.
You're looking very svelte.
Have you lost weight?
- Dad!
- I'm on that new moss diet.
- Dad!
- One moment. What is it, darling?
- I found a dead beetle.
- Oh, look at that.
Yes, you did. Well done.
Daddy loves you. [chuckles]
You see, since our dalliance in London,
I've been on a journey
of mindfulness and self-care.
And my relationship
with Christopher has never been better.
And it's all down to you.
Oh, by the way, would you mind
giving the occasional pained howl?
- Let them know that I'm doing something.
- Course.
Oh, my eyes! Please!
And, um, to repay you, on our way out,
I might just leave the door open.
I'd actually prefer it if it was closed.
When it's closed,
I just feel a little bit more cozy.
I'm helping you escape, you idiot.
[stammers] d*ck.
Hmm, I don't know.
Maybe I don't want to escape.
What's the point?
I can't b*at Tommy anyway.
He's incredible.
[sighs] Even my hair has started to look
lank, lifeless, depressed.
It's exactly the same.
I mean, how is that even possible?
Maybe my g*ng are better off with Tommy.
Maybe I'm not a great highwayman.
Listen, Turpin,
you are a terrible highwayman.
Oh. Thought I was gonna get
some sort of pep talk.
- But you did rob the Unrobbable Coach...
- Mmm.
- ...steal Syndicate gold...
- True.
...and you're the only highwayman ever
to avoid my noose.
[chuckles]
Well, that might make you
the best bad highwayman there's ever been.
Don't swap my nipples!
You're not going to b*at Tommy Silversides
by being Tommy Silversides.
You're only gonna do that by being...
d*ck Turpin.
You're right.
d*ck Turpin's great.
And I'm d*ck Turpin.
I'm gonna go and win my g*ng back.
And when you do...
[stammers] Just cover your ears
for a moment, Christopher, my darling.
You find that stuck-up harpy
Helen Gwinear, and you take her down.
I miss my life of crime every moment.
I need you to make her pay.
Anyway, so lovely catching up.
[chuckles]
You're a complicated guy, Wilde-style.
But thanks. [sighs]
Christopher.
It's been great reconnecting with
you guys. I'll catch you on the flip side.
Oh, knees don't bend that way!
No, no! No!
Oh, d*ck, wait!
d*ck, you idiot, you locked us in! d*ck!
- Whoo-hoo! [chuckling] Yeah!
- [horse neighing]
How did he escape?
It's supposed to be inescapable.
Where were you?
I was at a wedding. Yeah.
Now, that felt inescapable.
You're fired, Geoffrey.
Guards, ready my carriage.
Take me to Hempstead.
But not too fast. I get travel sick.
[grunts] Ow! Oh, ow, ow!
Oh, spider... Oh, carry me!
♪ Does he sep...
Does he separate recycling? ♪
You guys, rise and shine.
It's time to ruin The Ruin.
Note to self: Must do more comedy roles.
You guys?
Wakey-wakey.
It's my big day.
So, you got my invite, then?
If not, this is a massive coincidence.
That's my g*ng, Turpin.
Oh, yeah? You wanna duel for it?
Are you sure you don't want a bigger g*n?
I've actually grown quite attached
to this one.
I've given it a name.
I call it "Miniature Pete."
Yeah, sh**t his face off, d*ck.
Yeah? sh**t his face right off.
- [d*ck] I'll try.
- [Honesty] Yeah.
A rematch was not in my contract.
I'm gonna contact my union.
You're going to finish this,
or I'll finish you.
Remember, you can't lose.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, listen up.
I want a nice, clean duel.
No cheap sh*ts.
And I want a sandwich brought to me now,
with mustard, no crust.
And white bread. I'm not a peasant.
- Think you can win this?
- [grunts]
I'm gonna sh**t you, dazzle the crowd
and then sing my song again.
- I do like that song.
- Maybe we can do a duet.
Oh, wait. You'll be dead.
[sighs] Or maybe I won't be dead,
now that you don't have your marksmen.
What? What marksmen?
The marksmen that do all your sh**ting?
The ones who are supposed to be
hiding in those trees?
You see, Moose took them out
for a little drink last night.
Explained to them
the benefits of a breezier outfit.
And look at them, absolutely slaying it.
And your stunt team.
The ones
who do all your robberies for you?
Honesty read them some poetry.
They hated it.
But he also gave them a massive bribe.
And as for your singers,
Nell found them too irritating to talk to.
But they're only singers,
so we're not that bothered.
♪ We're still with you, Tommy ♪
You see, they worked out your secret.
It's your team that make you look good.
Same for me.
Only, my team actually like me.
[chuckles]
Well, even without them,
I can still b*at you in a duel.
Maybe.
But I'm willing to die to find out.
Are you?
Back to back, gentlemen.
On my count, take ten paces, then fire.
One, two...
more mustard...
three...
four...
five...
six...
seven...
eight...
nine...
[whimpering]
[all laughing]
You tit-headed weasel!
[chuckles]
- [crowd clamoring]
- [screams]
- [Honesty] Yeah, you run! [laughs]
- You confusing, sexy idiot!
[chuckles]
There you have it.
d*ck Turpin is the winner.
- [crowd cheering]
- Whoo!
Wasn't even loaded. [laughs]
Fine.
I must do everything myself.
[crowd gasping]
[grunts]
- Out of my way, darling.
- [Nell] No.
[breathes heavily] Leave d*ck alone.
He's my...
friend.
Proper mates.
And I'm your family, Eleanor.
You need to choose right now
whose side you're on.
Well, I mean, I'm... I choose my g*ng.
I thought that was pretty obvious.
[chuckles]
Very well.
But you know what this means.
We'll be enemies, darling.
And my enemies have a nasty habit
of turning up in teeny-tiny pieces.
[chuckles]
I'll be seeing you all very soon.
I hope so.
Sorry, we've got a bit of a vibe.
[blows]
Saw what you did there. So...
been doing some mulling.
I've come to realize, d*ck,
you're like a son to me.
"Like?" I mean, I am your son.
You've got panache, verve,
and, uh, I'm p-pr... [mumbles] ...of you.
- What?
- I'm "pird."
- Are you saying "proud"?
- Yes.
[chuckles] Thanks, Dad.
- Proud of you too, d*ck.
- I love you, Benny.
- Group hug?
- Yeah!
- [blows]
- Bring it.
[crowd cheering]
My best-selling pamphlet yet.
And I think you'll be
rather pleased with this one.
[gasps] I'm on the cover! I'm famous!
What about old Craig?
Any space for me on the cover?
- [giggles]
- No.
And anyway,
aren't you supposed to be working?
Nah. You know what? I realized something.
Sure, I can mix a mean cocktail,
but my talents are needed elsewhere.
I'm not Balthazar the Barman.
I'm Craig the Warlock.
[chuckles]
- You fired him, didn't you?
- Almost immediately.
[Honesty] What now, boss?
I don't know. I guess we wait
for the next adventure to present itself.
Adventures don't just
present themselves, d*ck.
You have to seek them out tirelessly.
I mean, it can take months.
Years, even.
[guard] Attention, peasantry!
Tonight,
a royal coach carrying the crown jewels
will pass by your meager village.
Under no circumstances
is anyone to rob it.
Steal those jewels and you become
the most infamous, sought-after thief
in all the land.
Basically, a living legend.
So don't even try.
Good day.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
[theme music playing]
[d*ck laughs] This is great.
Does anyone actually
know where we're going?
Let us out of here! Let us out of here!
Let us... For God's sake,
we're not d*ck Turpin.
Well, how am I meant to know that?
There's two of us, for a start.
[vocalizes] Not my problem, mate.
It's a bank holiday weekend,
and, uh, I'm going for a swim.
No! No, don't! Let us out!
I'll make you pay for this!
I'll make you all pay!
[Jonathan]
I'll get you for this, d*ck Turpin.