01x04 - Maxine Rolls the Dice

[bunniefuu]

- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]
- ["p*stol PACKIN' MAMA" PLAYING]

[MAXINE] In Palm Beach,
everyone has money,

but not everyone is truly rich.

Nigel, go upstairs and find out
what's taking everyone so long.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

- Ah, hello.
- Hmm.

[MAXINE] I was learning
quickly that, in Palm Beach,

an untold secret is like a loaded g*n.

You never know when it will go off.

- [g*nsh*t]
- [GASPS]

- [PEOPLE GASP]
- [PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[MAXINE] Or who it might hit.

And, full disclosure,

I suppose I had one or two
little secrets of my own.

For the sake of my
marriage and my sanity,

I had to tell the truth.

- It's a beautiful day, isn't it?
- Oh, that it is.

[SIGHS] Thank you.

- Um, Douglas... [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Mmm?

... uh, there's something...
Well, a few things I need to tell you.

Well, you can tell me anything.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

I may have passed some bad checks.

The Fibs still haven't received
your $75,000 check.

Plus a $10,000 check.

If you plan on coming to my
Havana Nights Gala next week.

And maybe pawned some
of Norma's jewelry,

which in some circles might
be misconstrued as stealing.

[CASH REGISTER DINGS]

And I might have run up a
little mountain of debt.

- And how will you be paying?
- You take a check?

Not including the 75 grand
I was bullied into paying

for a stone cat that we already own.

$75,000!

- [SHATTERS]
- Oh. [GASPS]

Ah, that's not so bad.

Douglas, did you hear what
I said about the jewelry?

Diamonds are temporary.
Our love is forever.

Unlike our inheritance, which is never!

Hmm?

- Cocktails!
- [DOUGLAS] Hey, babe.

[MAXINE] The great unburdening
would have to wait. [SIGHS]

Why let the truth spoil a sunny day?

I couldn't bear to tell him that
his inheritance had been rerouted

to a cat sanctuary.

[MAXINE] It'd break his heart.

[SIGHS]

- [DRAWER OPENS]
- [RUMMAGING]

[SIGHS]

Where's the key?

Damn it!

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

Norma, everything is
going to hell without you!

I'm trying to save you, me.
Hell, the whole world.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Norma? Are you in there?

Can you hear me?

Blink once for yes. Two for no.

[EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS]
I knew it! You still got it!

Oh, God. I've missed
you, my dear friend.

[SIGHS]

And I'm sure you've missed me.

W-Well, that hurt, 'cause...
[STAMMERS, SIGHS]

All right, Norma, listen. I want
you to listen very carefully.

Is the Rolodex in this room?

One, two.

Okay, I knew it. I knew it.
It's in the safety deposit box.

All right, so is the key in this room?

[GASPS]

Two. Thr... Wait a minute.

Uh, that's three blinks.
Unless that's a maybe.

Is three blinks a maybe?
Is three... [STAMMERS]

Norma, stop f*cking with me!
This is serious!

Are you sitting on it?

Sorry, Norma.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[METAL CLANKING]

You got a bony ass, Norma.

I know it's in here somewhere,
Norma. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

[GRUNTING]

[STRAINS] I'm gonna shake
it out of you! [GRUNTS]

["EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO ME" PLAYING]

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Yes, Your Honor. No, Your Honor.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

- Hey!
- Hey, pool boy,

I'll take a little bit
more mai in my tai.

Have you been in the pool house?

Why would I go into the pool house
when I have the real house?

A little hoity-toity for a pool boy.

I'll say. [SMACKS LIPS]
I'll put some more mai in your tai.

Aw, thanks, babe.

- I love you.
- And I love you.

[INHALES DEEPLY] You know what?
Today is the day. [SIGHS]

My final flight in the 737.

Miami, Toledo. Toledo, Des Moines.

And then I'm hanging
up my wings for good.

Douglas!

- Does that make you happy?
- [BREATHES SHAKILY] S-So happy.

Why would I keep working
when I've got all this and you?

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[GASPS]

[BELL RINGS]

- Linda?
- [LINDA STAMMERS]

Hi, ladies. Have you seen Linda?

Linda.

Tall. Red hair.

Wears too much denim.
[CHUCKLES] Turquoise jewelry.

Oh.

Thanks.

Linda, uh, I need you.

- Uh, do you need a book?
- Very funny.

I need my new best friend.

Oh. Uh, well, maybe a little
early for best friend.

You know, if you need a healer or
a therapist, massage therapist,

there are names on the corkboard.
You can get a session.

Gee, thanks. Hope they can
do a session in prison.

- What?
- I am a thief

and a liar and a squatter.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]
And I learned last night,

courtesy of your stepmother,
there is no way to right the ship.

- I'm not following.
- We are disinherited!

But don't tell a soul.

Y-You just told everybody
in the bookstore.

I don't think I will ever see any
of these people ever again.

What'd your husband say?

He doesn't like when things get messy.

- Maxine, you have to tell him.
- No, I ca...

Yes, the sooner the better.

He's never been more in love
with me than he is now. I can't.

Oh, Maxine. [SIGHS]

All right. Come here.
It's gonna be okay.

- Okay.
- All right?

- Mmm. [INHALES DEEPLY]
- So breathe and listen to me.

Palm Beach is just a shell game,

and you're playing like
one of the natives.

I really wanna be a native.

Down here, you're only a
criminal if you get caught,

and probably not even then.

So you're good.

See, look at us. We are best friends.

A man in a fedora.

I can see you in there, ma'am.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Good morrow.

I'm looking for a Mr. and Mrs.
Douglas Dellacorte Simmons.

Oh, we dropped the Simmons.

Sergeant Tom Sanka, Palm Beach Police.

Is this about the jewelry?
The checks? Stoned Mabel?

Look, I will tell you everything.
I can't live like this.

You need to appear in probate
court tomorrow at 4:00

in the matter of Norma
Dellacorte's guardianship.

- Oh.
- Consider yourself served.

Served?

Your Honor, my husband
and I are just mystified

as to why this matter
has been adjudicated,

a-as we are Mrs. Norma
Dellacorte's only living family.

Fellas have a way of crawling
out of the woodwork

in situations like these.

Uh, Mr., um, Diaz has,
uh, petitioned the court

for conservatorship.

Uh, I'm sorry. Mr. who? I've never
heard that name in my entire...

- ... life.
- I'm sorry, I'm late, Your Honor.

You're not off to a very
good start, Mr. Diaz.

The role of conservator requires
sober and timely administration

of all the Dellacorte trusts and
assets, including health proxies.

Trusts and assets?

Please clarify. [STAMMERS]
I'm just a wife.

This fella has filed to be conservator
of the Dellacorte trust.

In other words, he who's
the nurse, gets the purse.

Proceed.

Miss Simmons has moved into
Miss Dellacorte's home,

- stolen precious family heirlooms...
- I object!

Uh, you don't object. You...

Your Honor, that matter has been sorted.

Your Honor, we've all heard
stories about gold diggers

who come to Palm Beach
and bleed the elderly dry.

It would break my heart if Norma
became another cautionary tale.

[MAXINE SIGHS] Gold digger?

Please strike that from the record.

- How very dare you!
- What?

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Your Honor,
permission to approach the bench.

- No, no, you don't do that here. It...
- Oh.

This man is no caretaker.

He is a "pool boy"...

- [GASPS]
- ... and he has been squatting

at Ms. Dellacorte's home
with no written agreement.

Your Honor, I am a veteran.

She is a pageant runner-up

- strutting around the house...
- [GASPS]

- ... as if she owns it.
- Runner-up?

Oh, that is a gross misrepresentation.
Strike that from the record.

- Order in the court! [EXHALES HEAVILY]
- [JUDGE] Pardon.

- Excuse me. I was gonna say that.
- [SIGHS]

- Sorry.
- [GAVEL THUDS]

We're gonna table this matter

until one of you comes
up with documentation

to back up the accusations
you've just made.

Ah, yes. Your Honor,
I apologize for my outburst.

Adjourned.

Thank you.

Oh, I don't know why you
felt the need to escalate.

- [SIGHS, SCOFFS]
- Really?

It's just so uncivilized
to get the law involved.

You've been stealing from Norma.
Now you've stolen from me.

[SCOFFS] From you? [CHUCKLES]

What do you have that
I could possibly want?

- Robert. Robert!
- What?

[SIGHS]

Listen.

Clearly, we both want what's
best for dear Norma, right?

So maybe we could help each other.

What's your game?

I am set to throw Norma's
end-of-season Beach Ball

with Mrs. Rollins.

In Norma's honor, of course.

[SMACKS LIPS] And... [SIGHS]
... Mrs. Rollins has mentioned

a certain Rolodex of Norma's that
she has in a safety deposit box.

You wouldn't happen to
have that key, would you?

You didn't do it?

I assure you I'm innocent

of whatever accusation
has crossed your mind.

I can't believe I'm gonna
say this, but I believe you.

Well, good.

[ROBERT] Everyone is just
out for themselves, Norma.

But you knew that, and you protected us.

So, why can't I protect you?

- [SIGHS]
- [DOOR CLOSES]

Hey.

Hi.

[CHUCKLES]

How's Norma?

Same. Hmm. How's your father?

Fading.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Thanks.

Why did you do it?

What are you talking about?

You come to my house, you get
me high, and you stole from me.

Well, technically, I stole from Norma.

A helpless old woman.

That woman is not helpless.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I have a secret in that Rolodex,
and I can't have it get out.

What about all the other secrets?

Don't worry. They'll all end with me.

Secrets destroy people.

So I'm gonna destroy
that f*cking Rolodex.

Better with you than with Maxine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- This we know.
- [CHUCKLES]

You wanna meet my dad?

I would love that.

Pop?

- [LINDA'S FATHER] Hey, there she is.
- Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

I, uh, brought a friend.
I want you to meet Robert.

He's, um, close with Norma.

Ah, has the old, uh,
frail "curmudgeoness"

tried to marry you off
to my daughter yet?

- Not yet.
- [LINDA CHUCKLES]

- You wanna sit?
- [CHUCKLES] Thank you.

Hey, Bud. Welcome.

Pleasure.

Dad, Robert was in Korea.

Another pointless f*cking w*r.

Why you look at me like that?

Oh, no, I... [STAMMERS]
Dad, I think he's just surprised

that someone who inherited
his fortune from warmongers

isn't a m*llitary apologist.

I've been dying for 20 years, okay?

And the one thing you learn
is how to confront the truth.

[SIGHS]

[LINDA'S FATHER]
My biggest regret in life

is that I never did a
g*dd*mn thing about that.

But I guess that's my little
piece of luggage. [SIGHS]

You ever read Timothy Leary?

No, should I?

Does Pinocchio have a wooden d*ck?

- Harvard grad...
- [CHUCKLES]

... high priest, the f*cking master.

You got a book in your bookstore.
The Psychedelic Experience.

- Get it for him. I know you got it.
- Cool.

- Put it on my bill.
- Done.

You got a presence, bud.

You've got a presence.

[CHUCKLES]

If the present trend continues,

another four million will
join the welfare willingly...

[DOUGLAS] Hola, mi corazón.

[SCOFFS]

- Look at you, handsome man. [CHUCKLES]
- Mmm.

- Max. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Yes?

I did it. I quit my job.

So soon?

Well, our fortune's about to
come in any day now, right?

Yes. [CHUCKLES] Yay. I'm working on it.

What's that?

Oh... Oh, well, you just wait here.

I'm gonna do my finishing touches.

Don't wanna be late. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[RAQUEL] Bienvenidos. Bonsoir.

We want to welcome you
all to Old Havana night.

A celebration of life
the way it used to be.

The way it could be.

A celebration of freedom!

[CHEERING]

[CHATTERING, WHISTLING, CHEERING]

Babe, you didn't tell me
there was gonna be craps.

Well, now, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, Douglas. [CHUCKLES]

Dougie-doo, you old bungbucket!

Damn my eyes, Perry Donahue.

Babe, would you get us a few drinks?

I'm gonna warm up my throwing hand.

Well, well. Not too warm,
okay? [CHUCKLES]

[PERRY] Come on, let's go
warm up those tables, baby.

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS, SIGHS]

[GASPS]

[CHEERING, GASPING]

Have you ever seen such a
tacky sh*t parade in your life?

Gosh, no. [CHUCKLES]

What's wrong with it?

[SCOFFS]

Raquel took the most beloved
hotel in Palm Beach

and "bacchanalized" it.

This is why it's important for me
to co-host the Beach Ball, Maxine.

Have you managed to locate the
key to the safety deposit box?

Evelyn, I have turned that house
inside and out. No luck.

We all want to give a warm welcome
home to my dear husband, Pinky.

[CHEERING, WHISTLING]

[CHUCKLES]

Welcome home from Sing Sing.
It's true. Just last Tuesday.

These lucky wheels and tables
are from my old casino.

Everything you win, you get to keep.

Everything you lose goes to our
struggling Batista refugees, huh?

- [GUESTS APPLAUDING]
- He's a mobster.

They don't call it that,
but that's what he is.

A gangster out on parole.

Mark my words, this is the face
of things to come in Palm Beach.

The rise of the common criminal.

- Hideous. I hate criminals.
- [CHUCKLES]

I can feel it happening already.

Feel what?

My social casting-out.

Why, Evelyn?

With Norma embolized, you are
the woman to know in Palm Beach.

I don't like you, Maxine.

And though there are plenty of rumors

about my actual feelings for Skeet,

I'm lonely without him.

He was always a bit of a prick,
but he was fun. [CHUCKLES]

He used to take me out dancing.

He was terrible at it, but he was game.

Hmm.

And I had enough style to cover for him.

Now he lies about in his robe all day,

slowly but surely turning into
a hippie Howard Hughes.

It is no picnic caring
for an ailing spouse.

The last time I was with him,
his catheter came loose,

and he accidentally sh*t
urine into my mouth.

I'm so sorry.

At the same time, I have so many
questions about how that happened.

I've got nothing left to cement
my status in this town.

Nothing but the Beach Ball.

How can I compete with stricken
infants and a bacchanal like this?

[DINAH] Maxine!

Pool. Now. Excuse us.

If I were you, I wouldn't treat
me as if I were invisible, Dinah.

Then don't become invisible, Evelyn.

- Come on, Maxine. Come on.
- Coming.

[GRUNTING]

Eddie's jealous of Perry.
Says he's going to k*ll him.

What? Wh... Eddie's gonna
m*rder your husband?

Please. He's only kidding, I think.

Regardless, I thought
it was kind of sweet.

Why is Eddie jealous of Perry?

Wouldn't it be the other way around?

That's exactly what I said.

Eddie asked if Perry
and I still had sex,

- and I said, well, if a hand job...
- Oh.

... on the Chris-Craft last Wednesday
counted as sex, then sure.

But Perry had just bought
me a new tennis bracelet,

so I figured... [SCOFFS]
... what the hell.

Anyway, that plus Douglas
being back in town

had bought me more time
with Eddie than ever.

So maybe, Maxine, I should...
[INHALES DEEPLY] ... thank you.

- Well, you're welcome. [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES]

What does my Douglas
have to do with a handy?

Oh, you silly goose.

Apparently, Douglas and
Perry were inseparable

back in their prep school days,
and now they're back at it,

which helps me avoid scrutiny.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [CLICKS TONGUE, SIGHS]

Perry says that he and Douglas
bring out the worst in each other.

But he laughs every time he says it,
so I interpret that to mean fun.

Oh, the worst?

[CHUCKLES] The worst.

I'm sure by "worst"
he means they do nice,

good, clean stuff. [CHUCKLES]

- Have you met Perry? [LAUGHING]
- [CHUCKLES]

[CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

[DOUGLAS] Come on, baby. Come on, dice.

[PERRY CHUCKLES]

- Come on, lucky hog. Sixes!
- Come on!

- [GUESTS] Aw. Oh.
- Oh. [GROANS]

Douglas, sweetie, why
don't we sit this one out?

Come, let's go have a rum punch.

No! I believe in us, Maxine.

- I am doubling down.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Right.
- [DOUGLAS] Mmm.

Place your bets.

Bartender, can I get a bourbon
neat and a grassho...

Grasshopper? Hi, gold digger.

Hi, pool boy. Didn't think
you'd be working this party.

- Someone has to work.
- Hmm. Pity to be you.

[RUMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUESTS APPLAUDING, CHEERING]

Everybody, I hope you will
all join us on the dance floor

for a rumba!

Dance freely, drink freely,
spend freely, love freely.

[MAXINE] Jeezy-creezy. Norma's ruby.

[GASPS]

I wonder how Raquel got
a hold of Norma's ruby,

which I remember putting in Norma's
jewelry box at Destiny Vistas.

As her caretaker, don't you have
unrestricted access to her jewelry?

Same access you have as a loving family.

I wonder what the judge
would make of this.

[PINKY] Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
Damas y caballeros.

We're gonna do this the way
we did it in El Tropicana.

Everybody grab yourself a partner
and get ready to rumba!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go dance with the hostess.

Those rubies have a story to tell.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS] Oh.

[CHUCKLES] Hello!

- Shall we dance?
- Oh, papi, I thought you'd never ask.

- [MAXINE] Raquel! [GASPS]
- Hey, babe! It's time to rumba.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Silly,
I don't know how to rumba.

Ah, neither do I.

[MAXINE PANTS]

So, how much did you win?

- A ton.
- Really?

Yeah, but I lost even
more. But who cares?

It's small beans compared to
what we got coming to us, right?

Yeah.

Perry has got a tasty real estate deal
coming through with his frogs,

and he says we can get
in on the ground floor.

Wow. Seems too good to be true.

I know, right?

Hey, babe? Babe?

Norma was always very tight-lipped
about your friendship.

We had... have a very
special relationship.

I'm sure you brought her
a lot, a lot of pleasure.

Rumors abound.

Imagine with the poor
dear out of commission,

you're gonna need a new sponsor.

- Hmm, maybe. Maybe not.
- [GASPS]

Let's say within the next few days,

I'll be in a more responsible position.

[RAQUEL CHUCKLES]

- Speaking of...
- [RAQUEL GASPS]

... great necklace.

- Oh.
- How'd you come by it?

Oh. Oh, Pinky, he's always
getting me these little trinkets.

There's a lot more where this came from

if you can do that voodoo
you apparently do so well.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna switch it up.

Turn to your left. Turn to your right.

Now find yourself a new rumba partner!

[GRUNTS] Find me later, Robert!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh.

Hello!

Oh! Perry.

Mrs. Dougerie-doo.

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

I hear you and my Douglas

are cooking up quite a
little business scheme.

- [PERRY CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTS]

Yes, sirree. It's good to have
my wingman back in town

after hiding out from
us for all these years.

Yeah. You're breeding frogs? [CHUCKLES]

- [CHUCKLES] Frogs! You're such a pip.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

No, it's my Luxembourgian investors.

It's a global venture, but local too.

And switch again!

- Have to switch. [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- All right, toodles.
- [CHUCKLES]

And switch your partners one more time!

If you get left out in the cold,
make a little threesome.

A Cubano sandwich.

That's a little ham, a little pork
and a little cheese. Hey!

Robert!

- Hey, Raquel.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Raquel, what a beautiful necklace.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Pinky gave it to her.

I wonder where he got it from.

- Maxine.
- Why is everyone talking

- about my necklace?
- Shall we?

Check it out. I think I'm finally
getting the hang of this.

Absolutely.

Listen, I was thinking. Um, since
Perry's deal is still brewing,

maybe it was a bit of a rash
decision for you to quit,

and you should go back

and tell them maybe you...
you're having second thoughts?

- It's too late.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Well, it's never too late to
say, "I made a mistake."

How could this be a mistake?
Choosing you. Choosing this life.

- Look at all the fun we're having.
- [CHUCKLING]

Plus, what could go wrong?

Oh, uh, could you excuse
me just for a minute?

I'll be back. Just keep doing that.

Mitzi.

Maxine. I'm so excited.
This is my first modeling gig.

Sweetie, this isn't
really a modeling gig.

And there's so many eligible men.

I've already forgotten my boyfriend.

Oh. Oh, well. I guess
there's good news in that.

- Hello, friend.
- Mary.

- Oh.
- I've been looking for you.

Wow, you're dancing the
boy part. [CHUCKLES]

- Well, I went to a girls' school.
- [CHUCKLES]

Half of us had to learn
on the left foot.

Half on the right.
I was a left-foot girl.

Oh, well... Oh. How handy.

- [MITZI CHUCKLES]
- [PERRY LAUGHS]

- You'll never believe what happened.
- Mmm.

You wrote me a funny check for the Fibs.

It bounced like a red rubber ball.

Oh. [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES] Oh.

I'm just juggling so many
accounts these days.

I probably just wrote
it from the wrong one.

Oh, yes. That happens to all of us.

Guess I'll have my accountant
sort it out in the morning.

[CHUCKLES, GRUNTS]

- See that you do.
- Okay.

[GRUNTS]

- You wouldn't want to get a reputation.
- Okay.

- [MARY GRUNTS]
- Well, oh! Oh!

With the Beach Ball coming up.

Oh, look... [CHUCKLES]
... there's my-my purse.

I've been looking for that. Uh...

[GRUNTS]

I just gotta get some mints for later.

- You're so tall.
- [CHUCKLES] I guess.

You know, some men would
be intimidated by that.

I, however, am not.

[RAQUEL] I've been thinking.

Whatever Norma paid you,
I'm willing to double it.

I don't need your sponsorship.

[SCOFFS]

I guess you still belong to Norma.

[CHUCKLES] You know what
else belongs to Norma?

What?

That necklace was stolen
from Norma Dellacorte.

[GASPS]

Are you accusing my husband of theft?

Hmm. I just want it back.
No questions asked.

It would be a shame if Pinky
had to go back on vacation.

- [GASPS]
- Wouldn't it?

Raquel. [WHISPERS] I'll fix it.

What is it, Maxine?

[INHALES SHARPLY, GRUNTS]

Nothing. Nothing.

Mmm.

[SIGHS]

Maxine, do you have a pen?

I met a really cute guy,
and he wants my number.

These things don't have pockets.

Okay. Here.

- Thank you. [CHUCKLES]
- Okay. Be careful.

Sergeant Tom Sanka? Maxine Dellacorte.

I'd like to report a stolen jewel.

Indeed, your Honor, as you can
see by my sworn, typed affidavit,

this ruby necklace was recovered
from the Havana Nights Gala

and then found in Mr. Diaz's pocket.

[ATTENDEES GASP]

The same Mr. Diaz who
came to this very court

asking for conservatorship.

[CHUCKLES] Yes. This precious
stone, ladies and gentlemen,

was in fact stolen from
the Dellacorte home

where Mr. Diaz purportedly
worked as a "caretaker."

[GUARDS, INMATES CHATTERING]

It's your lucky day.

Somebody posted bail for you.

And yet, in my heart of hearts,
I know Mr. Diaz is a troubled man.

Shall I be granted conservatorship,

on behalf of Norma and her estate...

[INHALES DEEPLY]

... we have generously
decided not to press charges.

I know she would want it that way.

[ATTENDEES APPLAUDING]

[CHUCKLES]

In the matter of Norma Dellacorte,

the court hereby grants sole
custody and conservatorship

to Mrs. Douglas Dellacorte.

And as such, all trusts, bank accounts,

- safety deposit boxes...
- [BREATHES DEEPLY]

... and any offshore assets

shall immediately be transferred
to her control and discretion.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Under one condition.

Anything. [SNIFFLES]

Anything for dear Aunt
Norma, Your Honor.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[DOUGLAS] Are you sure
you want to keep her here?

It is a big responsibility.

[MAXINE] Oh. We're up to it.

- That smell is kind of unpleasant.
- [SHUSHING]

I don't know where exactly
it's coming from.

[SHUSHES] Douglas.

We don't know what she
can hear and not hear.

The home says she's
in a "twilight stupor."

Which, from what I understand,
is catty-corner to coma.

[GROANS]

Well, can she talk?

Oh, well, poor dear can
sort of moan and yodel,

but consonants are off the table.

I don't know.

Shouldn't she be under the
care of medical professionals?

[MAXINE] No, no, no.
Look, all we have to do

is flip her over every 30 minutes

to keep her blood flowing,
give her a sh*t every six hours.

The home showed me how to do it.

Seriously?

[SIGHS]

You know, in the short amount
of time I've spent with Norma,

I've grown kind of close to her.

Poor dear.

She got a rotten deal
withering away in that place.

We are gonna show her
the best care we can.

Well, I guess it's the
least we can do for her

considering all the ka-ching
that's coming our way.

[SIGHS, INHALES DEEPLY]

Um, about that. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, Douglas, there's something
I have to tell you.

Max?

Well, while I was attending
to Norma's guardianship,

I became aware of something
that will disturb you.

Uh-huh.

When she passes, her estate
is going to a cat sanctuary.

Why would she do that?

I'm sure she was non compos mentis
when she made that decision.

[STAMMERS] I-I'm her favorite
nephew. I'm her only nephew.

I th-thought she loved me.

- [MAXINE] She did. She does.
- [WHEEZING]

[SIGHS] We both know it
was me she never liked.

I'm gonna k*ll her.

No. No! Don't say that.

It is of the utmost importance

that we keep her alive
as long as we can.

Because?

Because it is the right thing to do.

And because, silver lining,

the two of you now have time
to work on your relationship.

And because, as her legal conservator,

I have permission to pay us a salary

commensurate with her level of care.

So as long as she's in a stupor,
we get the checkbook.

And if she dies,
it goes to the cat place.

Palm Beach Pedigree Feline Conservancy.

Huh.

I just wanted to have it all
figured out before I told you.

You know, cushion the blow and all that.

Oh, I can't believe you
did this for me. For us.

- [BELL DINGS]
- Oh, oh! Time to flip.

Come on. Here. Maybe we take this down.

- I don't know. To be honest...
- How we gonna do this?

... she's kind of creeping me out.

Is she looking at us?

[WHISPERS] Douglas,
maybe she can hear you.

On my three. One, two, three.

- [GRUNTS]
- [DOUGLAS SIGHS]

[MAXINE] I don't believe it.

The key.

The what?

It's no Four Seasons, but here we are.

- [SIGHS]
- [WHISPERS] There we go.

Thank you so much for helping me out.

Yeah, sure.

I can't believe they didn't
give you conservatorship.

You're the one that really
loves Norma. [SIGHS]

Seems to be the way for people like me.

[CHUCKLES] People like you?

Yes. People like me.

People like you might really like, uh,

reading material in aisle seven.

It seems we're on the
cusp of victory after all.

- Congratulations, Maxine.
- Oh.

My one hope is that you
and Linda can mend fences.

I hate that there's tension between
my two closest friends in town.

Her name's Penelope, dear.

The Linda business is
a pompous affectation.

She's been quite clear that
she identifies as Linda.

You're an awfully good friend
to Linda, all things considered.

All things considered?

- Ladies, who has the key?
- Oh.

[CHATTERING]

Seven.

[WHISPERING] Seven, seven, seven.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- [VIRGINIA] What's that?
- Nothing.

Is that why you hiding nothing?

I got nothing to hide.

Clearly.

Ah, hell.

I think that's everything.

If you need anything else,
I'll be right outside.

Please tell Norma to get well soon.

- Thank you.
- I will.

[EVELYN CHUCKLES]

All right.

Wow.

[EVELYN] Norma was always eclectic.

[MAXINE] Ugh.

Let's look in the next box.

- All right. [SIGHS]
- Hmm.

- [MAXINE GASPS]
- Oh.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Norma wears that every
year at the Beach Ball.

And this year will be no different.

[SIGHS]

Must be in that one. Come on.

Are you ready? [BREATHES SHARPLY] Ta-da!

- It's empty.
- [GRUNTS]

Is there a fourth box?

- Well, this is unconscionable.
- Oh, no.

There's no place else she
would've kept it. [SIGHS]

Well... [STAMMERS]
... unless I missed it

amongst the other valuables.

[SCOFFS] For f*ck's sake, Maxine.
You really are completely useless.

- Evelyn.
- [EVELYN SIGHS]

[SCOFFS]

Someday.

Norma.

Quite the gunslinger.

"Skeet Rollins cordially requests
the pleasure of your company

at the wedding of his beloved
daughter Penelope Rollins to... "

Douglas!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Douglas! [BREATHES HEAVILY]

[GRUMBLES, BREATHES HEAVILY]

Douglas Darby Dellacorte
Simmons! Douglas!

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[NORMA, SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah!

Norma?

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Norma, did you... did you say something?

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah!

[MAXINE STAMMERS] What?

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

- [IMITATES SLURRED SPEECH]
- [SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

- [IMITATES SLURRED SPEECH]
- [SIGHS]

[SLURRING, CAREFULLY] Weh-wah-wah.

- [IMITATING NORMA] Rahr... rah-vwar.
- [SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

I don't know what wah-wah-wah-wah is.

[SHOUTING] Weh-wah-wah!

- [g*nsh*t]
- [NORMA, SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah!