05x01 - The Wild Snob-Berry

[bunniefuu]

This is me, Eliza Thornberry,

part of your average family.

I got a dad, a mom and a sister.

There is Donnie-- we found him.

And Darwin? He found us.

(jabbering )

Oh, yeah, about our house-- it moves,

'cause we travel all over the world.

You see, my dad hosts this nature show,

and my mom sh**t it.

Okay, so we're not that average.

And between you and me,

something amazing happened...

and now I can talk to animals.

It's really cool,

but totally secret.

And you know what?

Life's never been the same.

(Debbie yawning )

(hatch squeaks )

(Donnie eating noisily )

(jabbering )

DEBBIE: What? So I'm a little late for breakfast.

ELIZA: It's not that, Deb.

You've got something really weird on your face.

(gasps )

(screaming )

(continuing screaming )

(scream echoing )

(caribou braying )

(panting )

Debbie, what is it?

Don't tell us

you had that baboon dream again.

Why, that makes it the third time.

Hello!

The fourth time.

Still pining for our days

back in Africa, eh, lovie?

Too bad there aren't any baboons here in Alaska.

Perhaps you'll start dreaming you're a caribou.

(both panting )

What's wrong?

What's going on?

Not to worry, poppet.

Your sister just had

another one of her "simian slumbers."

(chortling )

This is all your fault!

If I didn't know your stupid secret,

I wouldn't be having these nightmares!

Just keep the secret

and you'll have nothing to worry about.

But if you don't mind,

I was about to go find some grizzly bears.

All the newborn cubs

are learning how to find food and...

Oh, sure, go have your little fun!

You're not living under the constant thr*at

of looking like him!

What did she say about me?

She said you were, um, cute.

She did not!

And the feeling is mutual.

(Darwin hooting )

He was talking about me, wasn't he?

You tell him to take it back!

(electronic beeping )

Oh, dear.

A priority message from the foundation.

MARIANNE (reading ): "Our global positioning satellite indicates

"you have not left Denali National Park

"to pick up your V.I.P. in Anchorage.

Please proceed to the airport immediately."

V.I.P.?

What V.I.P.?

Nigel, do you know anything about this?

Come to think of it, that does ring a bell.

I believe they sent us an e-mail a few days ago.

Must have forgotten to mention it.

Sorry, dearest.

So, who's the very important person?

Um... oh, yes.

Some young lad who sings.

Sings? Young lad?

Like, a guy in a band?

No way!

MARIANNE: Why would the foundation

want us to pick up a singer?

(Donnie shouts )

Eliza, where are you going?

Just to, you know, look around.

I can stay here by myself.

Uh-uh, only if Debbie stays with you.

She's too old for a baby-sitter.

Besides, miss out on greeting our V.I.P.?

I don't think so.

Well, poppet, looks like you're coming with us.

(slurping, gulping )

Well, I'm glad you're having fun.

I've always felt

nature is best viewed from a window.

DARWIN: Cheese-Munchie?

(jabbering )

Is it Billy Flash?

No, it wouldn't be him, he's on tour.

It's a shame we're missing

such a splendid day with the caribou.

Every moment of their summer migration

is replete with high drama.

Oh, do you think it will be difficult

to find the herd again?

Perhaps, but fear not, dearest.

My keen sense of smell

will have us back on the trail

before you can say "tea for two."

DEBBIE: Tea for Two!

Oh, that band rocks!

(jets roaring )

(crowd clamoring )

(screaming and shouting )

Egad!

It's a swarm of banshees.

The Banshees are a girl group, Dad.

Shane.

Hmm... Shane?

(gasps )

Not Shane G.!

Every girl on Earth is, like, totally in love with him!

Except me, of course.

Oh, my gosh!

I totally love you!

(girls shouting "Shane" )

Shane G.'s our V.I.P.?

Ooh, what's he doing all the way up here?

Why are those girls screaming?

Are they afraid of him?

Hmm... looks too puny to be a thr*at, if you ask me.

Hola, everyone!

Thanks for coming.

I've been on tour for months.

Been all over the world,

but I haven't seen anything except hotel rooms, you know?

I want to get in touch with what's really real.

I mean, this is Alaska,

one of the most incredible places on Earth.

The tundra, the mountains, the wildlife--

this is what it's all about.

Oh, indeed it is.

That's why I want you and you and, yes, you

to join with me to help protect

our precious natural resources.

Together we can make a difference.

Now, thanks to my new friends at the foundation,

I'll get a chance to make a difference

by hanging out for a month with the world's greatest naturalist,

Nigel Thornberry.

Uh, beg pardon?

Which record is your favorite?

REPORTER: How do you spell "Nigel"?

Good gracious, it's worse than a horde of charging wildebeest!

(crowd clamoring )

Hola, I'm Shane G.

Hello, I'm Marianne Thornberry.

Hi, Marianne, I'm Michelle Nadell,

head of corporate communications for the foundation.

Hi, I'm Debbie.

Hola, Debbie.

Eliza, right?

So, um, you like animals?

You bet.

Mammals, reptiles, birds, fish, they all rock.

I think so, too.

Hey, dude.

What's your name?

This is Darwin, he's...

DEBBIE: So, Shane, can you believe it?

We actually have something in common.

I've been all over the world, too.

Only it's been a lot longer than months,

and we weren't anywhere near hotel rooms-- talk about real.

What's going on?

Why is your face all red?

Who is he?

I told you, he's Shane G.

He's this really famous singer

and he's going to travel with us for a month.

Isn't he cute?

Oh, come on, let's go.

Cute?

Well, I'm cute, but I don't see everyone making a fuss.

The foundation workedreally hard to get Shane

and we're thrilled he's excited about this.

His fame is going to help us

raise awareness among young people

about the importance

of protecting the environment.

Uh, well, that's great Michelle,

but what is Shane planning to do here?

We're going to have him keep a video diary.

That way his fans will hear his message.

Oh, and we want you to think

about having him co-host some episodes with Nigel.

Co-host?

But he hasn't had any experience with a nature show.

But what better teachers than you and Nigel?

(chuckles )

Gee, you're making it sound

like wehave to do this.

Uh-huh.

NIGEL: Marianne! Marianne!

Help me!

(fans clamoring )

SHANE: Thanks for coming here to pick me up, Eliza.

You have no idea what this trip means to me.

I hope I didn't interrupt anything.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nothing at all.

(grunts )

(laughing )

See?

There it is, a gray wolf.

(eagle cries echoing )

SHANE: Oh, now I see it.

Wow, that is so cool!

Gray wolves are really social.

Packs can be from two to animals,

but sometimes there are as many as or wolves.

See, the females, they usually...

Whoa, slow down.

Everything you wanted to know about gray wolves,

but were afraid to ask.

Sorry.

Donny, no!

No, he's cool.

(jabbering )

I can't wait to show him around.

You want to come along?

Well, as long as I'm not in the way.

What do you mean?

Since when do I have to be invited?

Don't I always come along?

MARIANNE: Kids, dinner!

(Donnie jabbering )

We'll talk later, okay?

Huh, not likely.

Kind of early for dinner.

Actually, it's already :.

During the summer here in Alaska,

the day can last as long as hours.

Really?

I mean, yeah, I knew that.

Oh, let me do that for you.

I don't want to be treated like a star while I'm here.

I'm just a regular dude.

You may be a dude,

but you'll never be, like, regular.

I'll treat you like a regular dude, Shane.

Let's go get the knives and forks.

All right-- thanks, E.

(giggling ): Sure thing, S.

DEBBIE: Okay, okay,

I can pretend you're regular, too.

SHANE: Touring isn't as hot as it sounds.

I can't leave my hotel room,

because if I go outside I'll get mobbed,

and my friends have to stay home and go to school.

Corn, please?

I have it!

No, I have it.

Give it to me.

Debbie!

NIGEL: Well, nothing restores the spirit like the great outdoors.

I remember after I toured the Far East

with my a cappella group, the Bobolinks...

Love the name.

Thank you, came up with it myself, as a matter of fact.

Anyway, being lead baritone,

I was exhausted,

but exploring the Yangtze River

was just the pick-me-up I needed

to hit my notes once again.

Right, exploring!

Shane, do you want to come with me tomorrow?

Yeah, Eliza and I, like, go exploring all the time.

We're really into the nature thing.

Perfect--

I'll start my video diary tomorrow.

I want to film myself with the animals

so my fans can see

how important it is

to protect the natural world.

Smashing idea, Shane!

You can film the caribou with me and Marianne.

I think I'll kind of do my own thing the first time out.

If that's cool with you?

Which means I'll need someone to act as my director.

I will!

That's me.

Tell you what-- you can be co-directors.

If everyone's finished eating,

I'll clear the table.

(jabbering )

Oh, no.

Donny, stop.

(jabbering wildly )

(family groans )

What's the matter?

Now one of us has to give Donny...

(whispering ): a B-A-T-H.

(out loud ): A bath?

So?

Don't say that word.

(jabbering )

ELIZA: Giving Donny a bath is the worst.

SHANE: Oh, come on.

How bad could it be?

Ever try to tickle a Tasmanian devil

during a hurricane?

Ever run through a pack of girls

who were tearing hunks off your shirt?

Well... yes, just this morning, in fact.

Leave this to me.

(Eliza, Shane and Donnie shouting playfully )

(laughing )

(jabbering )

Shane, I'm sorry,

but the only place we have for you to sleep

is the spare bed.

No worries, Mrs. T.

I brought along my own accommodations.

That is so cool.

And I'm sure you'll be

more comfortable in there.

Well, good night, everyone.

Good night, Shane.

Sleep well, lad.

ELIZA: Come on, Dar, admit it.

Shane is... pretty amazing.

(sarcastically ): Oh, yes, I'm so amazed.

Wow.

Awesome.

Okay, who's ready to film some nature with the Shane?

I am! Me!

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

See you later.

Have fun.

Be back by :.

(Darwin chatters, Donnie jabbers )

(panting )

(laughing ): Wow, Shane,

for a guy who spends all his time

cooped up in hotel rooms,

you sure are in good shape.

(mockingly ): Oh, what's the matter, Debbie?

Are you getting tired already?

Getting tired? No.

Tired of you? Yes.

(cries )

Quick. Somebody get the camera and start sh**ting.

(both grunting )

Move.

(eagle cries )

(clears throat )

Eliza, what are you doing?

I'm filming the eagle.

No, no, no.

First you film me.

Then when I point to the sky,

that's when you film the eagle.

Um, okay, sure.

Ready? And roll tape.

Hola, friends and neighbors.

Shane G., here in the middle of Denali National Park,

where I've just spotted a bald eagle.

Oh, it's not abald eagle, Shane.

It's agolden eagle.

Look, if Shane says it's a bald eagle,

then it's a bald eagle, okay?

It's a golden eagle.

We saw them when we were in Scotland.

Besides, bald eagles stay near oceans and rivers

because their primary diet is fish.

Okay, okay.

We don't need a lecture.

Ladies, be cool.

What about filming the eagle?

We'll wait till the next attraction.

"Attraction"?

SHANE: Like the caribou in the valleys below,

these dall sheep are in the middle

of summer migration.

ELIZA: No. Dall sheep migrate

in the fall.

If they're not migrating,

then why are they on the move?

To look for a safe place

for the females to give birth to their lambs.

Yeah, well...

(laughs )

Hey, must have gotten 'em confused

with some other kind of sheep.

What other kind of sheep?

The big-horned sheep don't really live around here...

Hey, I think I see something up ahead.

Why do you have to be such a know-it-all?

He'll be on Dad's show talking about this stuff.

I can't let him say things that are wrong.

(groans )

(Donnie jabbers )

For a guy who says he loves nature,

he doesn't know much about it.

(rock music playing )

DEBBIE: So what if he blanked

at a couple of tiny details?

He spent the last couple of years

rocking sold-out stadiums,

not chatting with all things hairy and four-legged.

ELIZA: Shane, it's not safe to eat out here.

(bear cub braying )

Oh, no.

Shane, put the food away.

Debbie, get over here quick.

Film me feeding the bear.

No, Shane, don't feed the cub!

ELIZA: Shane, listen to me.

I've fed bears before.

They're totally laid back.

Are you getting this, Debs?

DEBBIE: Whoa!

Everyone run.

Climb the nearest tree.

(Darwin and Debbie yelping )

Shane, come on!

(quavers )

(growls )

(screams )

(growling )

(growling )

(quavers )

I don't think Shane wanted it this real!

Do something!

Like what?

That thing you can do

that I'm not allowed to talk about!

ELIZA: Hey!

Hey, you.

Leave him alone.

He's threatening my baby!

I know it looks that way, but he isn't.

Please let him go.

(growls )

(Debbie panting )

Shane!

Shane!

Are you okay?

Did you see that?

Did you see that!

The Shane just faced down a grizzly.

Tell me you filmed that.

How could we possibly film that?

We were too busy saving your life.

Savingmy life? How?

You were hiding in the trees.

When the press interviews you,

tell them it was me alone against the bear.

What press?

Whoa, another animal to face down.

No, Shane, that's a wolverine.

They'll att*ck anything, no matter how big.

Shane, they're one of the most vicious animals in the world.

Yeah, I believe you.

Watch.

(growls )

(growls )

I...

(growling )

(yelps )

(all shout )

(all panting )

SHANE: This way.

No, this way.

(all shout and pant )

(gasping ) Oh!

An idea would be good right about now.

(groans )

I meant agood idea.

Which one of you has the camera?

The camera?

Yeah. Whoever it is, start sh**ting.

You want us to film this?

You messed it up with the bear,

but not this time.

Come on, hurry up.

Do you know what this footage will do for my image?

You're about to get ripped up by a wolverine

and you're worried about your image?

Can we argue later?

What are you doing?

My secret w*apon.

This trick has saved me from my fans

a bunch of times.

Go! Go!

We lost it.

We lost it!

You can all thank me now.

For what?

Getting us into this?

Hey, at least I got us out of it.

Not really.

(growling )

(Debbie screeches )

It's Mom and Dad!

DEBBIE AND ELIZA: Mom, Dad, help!

(growls )

(laughs )

It's giving up.

No, it's going to att*ck the herd.

(bellows )

(screaming )

Head for the commvee!

Climb on!

The roof.

Get to the roof.

(grunts ) Get back.

(screeches )

Darwin!

(screeches )

ELIZA: You...

Oh, you phony!

You're here to promote your image in the wilderness,

not the actual wilderness!

You think you're the only one

who can appreciate nature!

You're just a wildlife snob!

Oh, that is so true.

Well, at least I really believe in a cause.

You don't believe in anything but yourself.

Thank goodness you're all right.

How did you end up getting chased by a wolverine?

Well, see, okay, there was this grizzly bear...

A grizzly bear?

Good Lord!

What were you doing anywhere near a grizzly bear?

It was my fault, Mrs. T.,

uh, Mrs. Thornberry.

I opened up a bag of chips to munch

and that brought the bear.

No, that brought the cub.

When you wanted us to film you feeding the cub--

that's what brought the bear!

Oh, when I think what might have happened.

Promise me you'll be more careful from now on.

We promise. We will, Mom.

(sighs )

Turn that off.

ELIZA: Oh, what's the matter?

Don't you want your fans to see the really real you?

Enjoy your trip back to phony show biz.

Your private helicopter should be here any minute, right?

You think I'm leaving?

After today, you should.

For your information, I'm in this for real.

You are?

I do care about the environment

and nothing can scare me away,

not even you, Eliza Snob-Berry!

(groans )

What's wrong?

The amazing Shane G. not so amazing anymore?

He thinks I'm a wildlife snob.

Frankly, I couldn't have said it better myself.

What? You agree with him?

Well, yes.

In fact, tell him I said so.

I'm not talking to him anymore.

Well, if you're so mad at him,

why do you keep looking at him?

I am not looking at him!

Yes, you are.

You're doing it right now.

Eliza, are you listening to me?

Eliza!

GIRL: Oh, my gosh!

I totally love you!

(girls shouting "Shane" )