05x01 - Henry's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

- Heeeeeyyyy! Hi!

Happy my birthday! Happy my birthday!

- Watch out. - Watch out for what--

I think the stairs are broken.

- Yea, Dad broke it while chasing a raccoon

down the stairs.

- Racc--Raccoon?!

- Oh, don't worry.

He trapped it in the fridge.

- The fridge?!

- Don't worry.

We unplugged it and drilled some air holes.

- Drilled?!

[ raccoon screech ]

- Yea, animal control said they'd come get it.

But it's Sunday, so they might take a while.

They love brunch.

- Right...so uhhhh,

can I open my presents? - Noooo.

Not until your dad gets home.

- Aw, c'mon! - No.

Birthdays are a family celebration.

We celebrate together or not at all.

- Okay. Alright, fine.

Where is he? When's he coming back?

- He's picking up your cake

and getting tested for rabies.

- Hey hey! Happy your birthday

Henry, open my present! Alright?

- Watch out. - Ahh!

Jasper!

- Yea, I'm just gonna set this down

like a normal person.

- Hey! I'm normal.

I'm just like ev--

Do I smell raccoon?

- Airholes... - It's in the fridge.

- Wait, for real?

There's a raccoon in the refrigerator?

- Yes. It's on the left side.

- I've got the cake!

And I haven't got rabies!

- Ay. - Cake!

- Congratulations.

- Oh wow Dad, that raccoon really got you goooood.

- Oh these? No.

These scratches aren't from the raccoon.

- Well what are they from?

- The angry mob at the Mexican cake store.

- Uno Dos Cakes?!

- Correcto-mundo.

I had to fight a bunch of people

to get the very last Diez Leches Ice Cream cake.

[ mariachi trumpet ]

- Diez leches!

- Ten leches?! In one cake?!

- That's so many leches!

[ ad-libbing excitement]

- Alright, alright, alright, alright,

let's stop ad-libbing excitement

and eat this cake before it melts!

- I'll get the candle! - Okay, mom!

- Wait a second, there's not actually

a raccoon in this refrigerator is--

AHHH!!! It's got my hair!

- Charlotte, stop teasing that raccoon.

- Let go, you little trash panda!

- Now c'mon, we're gonna sing happy birthday to Henry.

- Okay, time to sing to the birthday boy,

right after I figure out which one

of these little squares is my camera.

- Oh my god, give it!

[ watch beeps ]

- Okay, all set!

Turns out, it was an application

called, "camera."

Action!

♪ HAAAAPPPY BIRTHDAY TO--

- Uh, yea yea yea yea. I'm sorry.

Hold on hold on hold on.

- Hold on for what? - Uhhh...

- Yeah, where are you going? - Where am I going?

I have always wanted a surprise party.

So, uh you know... I'm gonna--

I'm gonna go outside... for a while...

and then I'm gonna come back inside,

and uh, then you guys

are gonna yell "surprise". Okay?

- Ooo! Good idea.

I've got a great place to hide.

That was a total lie.

I have no idea where to hide.

Somebody help me!

- Henry! There's blood everywhere!

- Oh my god! What?!

- At the blood bank. Ha-ha gotcha.

- The blood bank?

- Yeah, you know, where they store blood

for people who need surgery and medical assistance,

and other things I'll never need

because I'm Captain Man.

I'm indestructible.

Heh. Yeah...

- So... about the blood bank?

- Right! Yes.

It's being robbed and we gotta go stop it.

- Hmmmmmmmm...

- I don't like the sound of that hmmm, Henry.

So stop it.

- Uh, it's just uh...

it's my birthday today.

You remember, right?

And we're about to start a birthday party.

So can I just take the day off?

- Crime doesn't take birthdays off, Henry.

Neither do superheroes and their sidekicks.

- You took four days off last month

to ride every rollercoaster in Texas!

- It was five.

And none of those were my birthday.

- C'mon Ray...

- Y'know, someone else is celebrating a birthday today.

Her name is crime...

and she's having her party at the blood bank, right now.

You and I are both invited

and it's B-Y-O-Fists,

so I'll see you there?

- Uhhh...I just got a text from Henry.

He said he won't be back for a while.

- Why not? - Yeah, where'd he go?

- It's a trick! We still have to hide!

- In his text he said,

"I gotta go-- make up excuse."

- "Make up excuse?"

- No no no... not make up excuse...

makeup excuse.

Yea, he said he had to excuse himself

so he could go buy some makeup.

At the makeup store.

- Henry wears makeup?

- Have you seen him without it?

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick.

- Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles...

and fight crime. Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

- Ahh! Why...

won't...you...open?!

Oh man, that was my last hammer!

- Hold it right there!

- Yeah! Freeze, jer--

- Uggghhh... - Ahhhh, come on...

- Gah! It's Jeff. - I see that.

- He's so stupid. - I know that.

- Hey, you guys got a spare hammer?

Sledge, if possible?

- Why--why--why, would we have a hammer?

- And if did have a hammer,

why would we give it to you, Jeff?

- And why would you try to rob a blood bank?

- 'Cuz banks have money.

Look at the size of that safe here!

- That's not a safe-- that's a refrigerator.

- And it opens...

by pulling the lever!

- But...the sign it... it says, "bank."

And...and banks... they have money.

- Nope! I can't do it! Not today. Not today Jeff.

I can't do it! I can't do it!

Not today!

- It's okay. - I can't deal with it!

- Shh... - I can't deal with it, man.

- Shh it's alright...

- Sorry man.

I just really wanna be at my birthday party right.

- Hey. Hey...

you never have to apologize for zapping Jeff.

Now go on, get outta here, birthday boy.

- Really? - Yeah, I got this.

- I can leave? - Yea, go on.

- Thanks, man.

My dad went to that uh, new Mexican cake shop.

- Uno Dos Cakes?

- Yea, he got the last Diez Leches Ice Cream Cake.

[ mariachi trumpet ]

- Diez leches?!

- Uh-huh!

- Diez?!

- That means ten.

- Ten leches?! In one cake?!

- Si!

- Well why aren't we at your house

eating Diez Leches Cake right now?!

- Because...

"Superheroes and their sidekicks don't take days off."

Remember? You said that.

- Yeah, but now I want cake so let's go.

Up the rope!

'Kay here we go ready?

- Yup, let's do it.

- It's really hard to get back up.

- Hey hey--Hey, why don't you give me a boost...

Yea, then I'll give you boost, that way,

- How am I gonna get up? - I'll give you a boost, wait.

Gotta get... gotta get a purchase...

- Here, you know what? I got an idea.

- Gotta get a purchase. - What are you doing?

That's not doing anything.

- You having any luck at all? - No I'm not.

- What did you tie this thing to, anyway?

- Uh, an air conditioning unit.

- Oh yeah? Smart. - Yea, it's really sturdy...

so I don't really think it's going anywhere.

Hey, what's that-- - Heads up!

- Let's just walk out the door.

- Out the door!

[ raccoon screeches ]

- I don't know how much longer

I can keep this cake from melting.

- Then we better eat it now--

I'll go first!

- No! No no, we have to wait for Henry.

- Well you gotta give me something, Jasper!

I'm bored!

I need something to do with my hands--

I feel weird if I'm not doing anything with my hands!

- Uh, well, then...

use your hands to... [ raccoon screeches ]

feed the raccoon. He sounds hungry.

- I'm not gonna feed the raccoon,

that's my dad's job.

- I can't feed the raccoon right now--

I'm hiding so I can surprise Henry.

- Honey, just feed the raccoon.

I don't think Henry's gonna be home for a while.

- Fine. But if I get out of my hiding spot

and Henry comes home and sees me,

I'm going to be very-- - Hey I'm home!

- Oh come on!!

- How's everybody doing?

- Surprise!

- Uhhhh, I brought my boss, Ray.

- Hey. Hey, hi. How's it going?

So where's that cake, huh? Let's eat that cake!

- Cake yeah, brother!

- Henry, how was the makeup store?

- Huh, makeup store? What are you talking abo--

- Uhhh, you went to the makeup store, remember?

You sent us that text about the "make up excuse."

- Which clearly meant

you were going to the makeup store.

- Clearly.

- Yes...yes, I uhhh-- I was at the makeup store.

Buying makeup... at the store.

So cool...yep...uh-huh.

- Whatdya buy? - Hm?

- Whatdya buy?

- Uhhh, that's a good question, dad.

What did I buy? I bought...

makeup.

- Well where is it?

- Good question, sis Where is the makeup...?

Mmhmm, okay so uhhh I don't have it obviously...

because I...

saw an ugly person on the street...

and I gave them all my makeup...

because they were so ugly.

- Awwww... - That's our boy.

- And uh, where'd you come from?

Were you at the makeup store, too?

- Uh, yes! Yes he was--

he was at the makeup store-- that's where I saw him.

- No I wasn't.

I was at the gym.

Yea, it's, uh... legs, back, arms,

chest, fists, feet, and neck day.

- Hey, that was weird.

Why are we using our mouths to talk

when we could be using those same mouths

to eat the Diez Leches Ice Cream cake!

- I like where you're head's at.

- Let's do it. Let's do it.

- Alright. - Yay.

- It's happening. Here it comes.

[ phone rings ]

♪ HAAAPPPYYY BIRTHDAY TO-- ♪

- Emergency call-- we gotta go!

- Emergency? What do you mean?

- That's a good question, Henry's mom,

uhhhh....it's um...

it's an emergency... reminder.

Emergency reminder for the birthday surprise...

that I'm gonna do for Henry.

- The fireworks?

- Yeah. The fireworks.

The private fireworks show

that only Henry and I can watch.

Yea well, it's about to start so, we gotta go.

See-ya, so don't start eating that cake without us,

we'll be right back, bye!

- Let's call Schwoz and see what's the emergen--

- P'yoo! Boom! Crackle crackle crackle!

Ooooooooh...

- What was that? What are you doing?

- Making them think there's fireworks out here.

- Aw, good idea.

Pyooooo!

Hey what's up, Schwoz?

- I just got an emergency call

about the blood bank!

- Yeah? What about the blood bank?

- Did you guys forget something?

Like maybe to take Jeff to jail?

- BOOM! - KABLOWW!

- He's robbing that same blood bank again

and you need to go stop him.

- Okay, Henry,

you go to the Blood Bank and deal with Jeff.

I'll stay here.

- And?

- And that's it. That's the whole plan.

- Why do I have to go?

It's my birthday, those are my presents,

and I would like to eat my Diez Leches cake.

[ mariachi trumpet ]

- Diez Leches?!

- Yea! Kabrowww!

- That's ten leches!

- Right, and I would like to eat those ten those leches,

which is why I want Ray to go deal with Jeff.

- That's seven more leches than--

- Please go deal with Jeff?

- Just hear me out here...

Kerboosh!

If I go to the blood bank and deal with Jeff,

Shoo ba boop boom boom!!!

Your family is going to sing you "happy birthday"

and by the time I get back,

that cake is gonna be gone.

And then I'm not gonna get any cake.

Tsssssss...

- Wow these fireworks are amazing, Ray! Thanks!

Go on.

- But if you go and deal with Jeff...

everyone is going to wait until you to get back

to sing "happy birthday" and then...

we both get cake.

Boooooooooooom!

- Okay, but don't eat that cake until I get back.

- I promise.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY--

- Nope! It's just me!

Henry had to go back to the makeup store...

- What?! - Aww.

- Come on.

Grrrr...

Hey.

- Dude, what are you doing?

- I'm trying to steal this air conditioning unit.

- Why would you need

an industrial air conditioning unit?

- Okay so, you know how

I had to move back in with my mom?

- No, why would I know that?

- Well, you know how she doesn't have

any air conditioning her apartment?

- Still no, Jeff.

- Okay so, you know how sweaty I get?

- Actually that one I do know.

- Well not anymore, baby. Not with this thing.

Help me get it outta here. See, I'll grab the ropes,

you grab my sweaty waist

and we can shnaggle it out of here--ooo w-why!

- Hey Henry-- is everything okay?

- Hey uh, yeah Schwoz,

I just zapped Jeff again.

Can you come here and watch him

'til the cops show up?

- Yahhh, here's the thing...

I'm kind of at a birthday party right now...

- Whose birthday party is it, Schwoz?

- Hmmmmmmmm...

- Schwoz!

- Yours, okay? I'm at your party.

- Why are you at my party?!

- I really want some

of that Diez Leches Ice Cream cake!

So I told your family I am a new neighbor

who just moved here from Germany.

- Here you go, Hans. - Guten tag.

- He's definitely German. - Yeah!

- Okay, Schwoz, it's my birthday.

I should be at my birthday party, not you!

- Listen, I'm sure the police will be there in a minute.

Just wait until they pick Jeff up,

and then you could come back to your party.

- No!

- Oh got to go--

they're letting your sister open your presents

'cuz she needs something to do with her hands.

- No no no no no. Don't don't don't--

- I love it!

- Did you say it's your birthday?

Happy Birth--ah!

[ doorbell rings ]

- What's up, I don't live here.

- I'm here to pick up the raccoon.

- It's in the fridge.

They drilled air holes.

Once again, I don't live here.

- Wait.

Is that a Nueve Leches Ice Cream Cake?

- Diez!

[ mariachi trumpet ]

- Diez leches?!

- That's right.

- She's beautiful.

So many leches!

- I don't know how much longer this cake is gonna last!

- Let's just eat it!

- Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!

- No! No! Noooo!

We can not eat the cake

until we sing happy birthday to my son.

- Aw! - Come on!

- Why don't we just call him

and sing him happy birthday over PearFace?

- Yes! That is a great idea animal control lady.

- I got you, Henry.

- Not my sweater. - Okay.

- Come on, where are the cops,

I wanna eat my cake...

[ phone rings ]

Ah geez.

Hey! Mom, what's up?

- Hey Henry, there's a lot of people here

and they want to eat your cake.

And Jasper thinks it's gonna melt...

- I can't keep it cool much longer!

I'm sorry Henry! I tried!

- But the thing is, we can't eat the cake

until we light a candle

and sing "happy birthday" to you.

- Oh, good.

- So we're gonna sing over the phone right now.

- What?! No no no, don't don't don't do that!

- Everyone get together! - Wait. No stop--

- Hey, Kid Danger, sorry we're late--

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU... ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU... ♪

- Kid Danger, are you okay in there?

- Could you guys sing faster than that, please?

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

- Thanks, love you! Bye, enjoy my cake!

- Oh no wait, you have to make a wish

and blow out your candle.

You didn't quite get it!

- Yeah he did! Bye, Henry!

- What were you doing under that door?

- Not eating cake.

- What are you doing?

- I want that piece.

- But that's the last piece.

And you already had one.

- So?

- We need to save that piece for Henry.

- Unhand me, boy.

- Jasper, what are you doing?

There's a raccoon in that fridge.

- I know. And if anyone tries

to take Henry's final piece of cake,

I'm gonna let this raccoon out.

- Mm. That's a bad idea.

- I'll do it.

- You don't have the guts.

- Get 'em boy!

Ahhh! Gah!

[ screams ]

- Honey?!

- Come with me if you want to live!

[ mariachi trumpet ] [ racoon screeches ]

I'm not scared of you!

Ah!

- Hey I'm back!

Hello? Anybody here?

What's up?

Mmm...

So many leches... amirite?