[ music ]
- Authorities at the scene described it
as "horrifying" and "highly disturbing".
And that's the story of my weekend.
Trent?
- Breaking news,
or should I say...
[ blender whirs ]
- Oh come on! I missed the pun!
- What? - The pun.
The funny word joke they do at the beginning of the news--
- Hey, we can't hear what you are saying
because the blender is too loud!
It's drowning out what you're saying!
- I CAN'T HEAR THE PUN! TURN IT OFF!
- TURN IT OFF!
- That was your best pun yet.
- Oh, c'mon! I'm missing the word play!
- In other news, police say
a truck full of imported Venetian ham
was stolen today.
Venetian ham is the world's most
absurdly expensive pork product,
often referred to as the Ferrari of hams.
- Authorities also say that some of the stolen hams
contain an anti-theft device:
a capsule of blue dye that will explode
if someone tries to eat the ham.
- expl*sive blue dye?
More like, expl*sive--
[ blender whirs ]
- Are you kidding me right now?!
- Well you said you missed the pun--
- And that is our final joke of the broadcast.
- Noo!
- Goodnight, Swellview...
- That was a good one, Mary.
- Well that's just great.
Who even knows when the news will be on again?!
- hour news cycle. - Same time every day, dude.
- Tomorrow? - Just---
What's with all the blending?
- Oh uh, we're on a liquid cleanse.
- Hmm? - We're on a liquid cleanse.
- That's stupid. - Hmm?
- That's stupid. - No,
we saw a video on the internet
that says if you eat nothing but liquid food
for three days, you get night vision.
- Yeah, you can see everything.
At night.
- Smart One? Science Freak?
You're both falling for this?
- I want night vision.
- Sometimes it's just nice to be part of something.
[ phone rings ] - Hold on a second.
- Hey dad... What's up?
- You gotta come home. - Why?
- Because Piper's new boyfriend is coming over
for dinner with his family.
You're in our family,
so you need to be here.
- Uhhh yeah, but I'm kind of
on a liquid cleanse right now, so...
- For night vision? That's real.
- Yeah so uh...
I'm gonna have to use my "Get Out Of Dinner" card.
Which I am holding right now.
Even though you can't see it.
- No, no, your mom already used hers.
I'm holding it right here.
Even though you can't see it.
- Dangit! - Come home.
- Okay! Click.
- Click.
- Hey, I gotta go.
- Huh? You can't go. You're at work.
Somebody stole a truck fulla' fancy ham
with exploding blue-- [ blender whirs ]
Dangit!
- I can't hear what you are saying
- Do not leave.
- Because the blender is too loud!
- I need you to stay here
and help me with this situation--
- Huh?! I'm just gonna assume you said
I should go home! - No!
- Go?! - No! Stay!
- Go away?! - No!
- Okay! Goodbye!
- How long does it take the news to end?
- Hey! What's up fam-- oh my god what is that smell?!
- I'm cooking!
- Ohhhhh that's what smells so...
gooooooooood?
- Thanks.
- You didn't tell me Piper was cooking!
- She's making fish lasagna.
Each layer is a different fish.
- Hey guys! Does catfish ever go bad?
It's probably fine.
- Man, I am out of here.
- No! I've hidden food all over the house.
We can pretend to eat Piper's food,
but really we can...
catch up on our reading.
- Ahhh...book cheese.
- Yep.
I've finally found a good use for books.
- Oooooo, I'm supposed to be on a liquid cleanse...
Whatever.
- Hey, what are you guys doing?
- Um...we are reading.
- A book.
So many great words...
I like this cheese but now I want some bread.
- Walk with me...
Oh Henry!
Come look at this box of Fresno Girl dolls
that Piper brought home today.
- I'd love to, Daddy.
- Be careful those are worth a lot of money.
- Oh we will, Piper!
Would you like some bread...
...from a head?
- We should hang out more.
[ doorbell rings ] - Oh jeez they're here.
Be nice, tuck in that shirt,
don't talk about your job
or say anything embarrassing.
- Aloha! Party time!
- I'm Jake, a project manager
and I'd like to be in an adult choir.
- What did I just say?
- Sorry I'm not wearing shoes.
Last week I was mowin' my lawn barefoot
and cut m'toe off.
- Mom, I told you not to talk about your missing toe.
And tuck in your shirt.
- I can't, it's hidin' a stain on my jeans.
It's shaped like a cow. See?
Touch it. Go on, touch it! Make it moo!
- I don't-- I don't wanna--
I don't wanna make it moo.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
I'm Billy Bilsky.
- Nice to meet you, Billy. - Ehhhhhhhhh...
Did you just say "Bilsky?"
- That's right! I'm Britney Bilsky.
Three time Miss Swellview face puncher.
- Yeah, I don't want to touch that either.
Look, you don't happen to have
a son named Mitch, do you?
- No stinkin' way!
Well if it ain't Henry J. Fart.
- Mitch Bilsky.
- Mommy. Muah.
- "J?" Henry's middle name is Prudence.
- Ha! Prudence?!
- So it's Henry Pee-Fart?
- [ laughs ]
- This dinner's gonna rock!
- It all just kinda happened.
I wanted an after-school job.
But then, an indestructible superhero
hired me to be his sidekick.
- Ahhh!
- Now we blow bubbles...
and fight crime. Feels good.
[ theme music ]
- Call it. - Up the tube!
- Aw, my boot! - Ha!
- So where's your mom? Jail?
- No.
- My husband's in jail.
So's my daughter. You ever meet Bisch?
- Yes!
I think she used to bully Henry's good friend Charlotte.
- Aww.
She and my husband share a father-daughter cell.
- Cozy.
- What'd you call me?!
- Uhh....
- Hey guys, guess who I am!
Okay, I'll give ya a hint:
my middle name is Prudence
and I look like a weenus.
- Oooh! Oooh! You're Henry!
You're Henry!
- Dude, those are my clothes.
What were you doing up in my room?!
- Rubbin' my butt on your pillow.
- Are you serious?! - You wish.
Ooo, book cheese!
- Uhhh, Piper
do you wanna get this dinner started
so the Bilskys can eat and get on their way?
- We're good to go!
Now, does anyone not want whipped cream
on their fish lasagna?
- No, no, no...
no one's having whipped cream on anything
'til my other son gets here.
[ brakes screech, crash ]
That's him.
- Is this the right house?
- I know that voice. Why do I know that voice?
- We're in here, Jeff.
- I know that name. Why do I know that name?
- Hi. I hit your mailbox with my car.
- No! - Yeah.
- Jeff! - Mitch!
- Son! - Ma!
- NO! - Yeah.
Hey bro, why are you dressed like that?
You look like a weenus.
- Oh. Yeah, nah I was just making fun 'a him.
- [ laughs ] Classic Mitch!
You put your butt on his pillow?
- Ha! He wishes.
- I do not wish that!
- Oh relax, ya weenus. Hi, I'm Jeff.
- Nope.
- Okay.
Hey, I brought a gift!
For Billy's little filly.
- What?
- The future Mrs. Bilsky.
- NOPE. - The sister to this mister.
- Why don't you open the box, Jeff.
- Okay.
Ahhh.
- What is it?
- It's a Venetian ham.
From Venetia.
- Wait isn't Venetian ham like crazy expensive?
- And weren't a bunch of them stolen this morning?
- Uhhh...I don't know nothin' about no stolen hams.
- Okay, then how did you pay for this one?
- Well I figured Mom's gonna make bank
when she sues the lawn mower company
for cutting off her toe.
So why not spend that money now?
On ham.
- Ohhhh, he's the smart one...
- Well let's dig in, jerks!
This pork ain't gonna pig itself.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop!
You know, Piper spent all day
making fish lasagna with whipped cream.
And you can smell all seven fishes.
- Thanks, Billy.
- Uh-oh... I think someone's gonna kiss!
[ laughing ]
- HOW ARE WE RELATED?! - Relax.
- I CAN'T STAND YOU! - He's not worth it.
- WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HIT PEOPLE'S MAILBOXES?!
- Ease down... ease down...
- Okay, okay, okay...
let's all eat the fish lasagna,
before it gets warm,
and then we'll eat Jeff's ham.
- Okay. - All right.
- Oh, hey, woah!
Where are you going, Prudence?
- Yeah, it's time to eat, Prudy.
- Uh, I was just gonna go outside real quick and...
...fix the mailbox.
- Your son's a total weenus.
- Thank you. He gets it from me.
- I'm sorry Henry! [ blender whirring ]
You're gonna have to speak up!
The Science Freak keeps fixing the blender.
- I can't speak up!
My family's inside with the Bilsky's.
They'll hear me.
- Just--just hang on a second...
- Heyyyy! - M'juice!
- You were saying?
- You know that truck
full of Venetian hams that got stolen?
- Oh yeah...
the fancy hams with the exploding blue dye.
- I know who stole them! - Who?
- The dumbest criminal in Swellview.
- Jeff? - Jeff!
- Yeff? - No, Jeff!
- How do you know it was Jeff?
- Because he's at my house right now
and he just showed up with an expensive Venetian ham.
- Why is Jeff at your house?
- His brother is dating my sister.
- Piper is dating Jeff's brother?!
- Yes! Jeff is a Bilsky!
- Piper's dating a Bilsky?!
- Yes! Mitch Bilsky is at my house,
and so is his mom,
and so is his older brother, Jeff!
- Yeff?! - Yes!
- You keep him there, Henry! You keep him there!
- No, no, no, no... Dude, I don't want to ruin
this dinner party for my sister.
- Yeah, well you know who else
is having a dinner party right now?
- Don't say justice.
- Justice.
I'm on my way to your house. - No dude!
Look, we'll wait until the dinner's over.
We'll go to Jeff's apartment together
and arrest him there. - No, new plan--
- Hey, do you know how to fix a mailbox?
- Yeah.
- And then I finally got the drop on him.
And that's when the detective said,
"You've outsmarted me, Jeff.
And that never happens."
And I was like, "Well why not?"
And then he was all like,
"Because my name is Sherlock Holmes!"
- Ah! - Boom.
- Wowwwwww...
- Jeff, that did not happen.
- Prove it.
- Sherlock Holmes isn't real.
- Then how'd I put my butt on his pillow?
- Bilskys! - Bilskys!
- Hey, what's up I'm Henry's boss,
I wasn't invited
so I brought this potted plant.
- Well thank you.
We actually have one just like it on our porch.
- Huh, weird.
Hey what's this handsome hunk of hog?
- Hey you know funny story about that.
Jeff actually brought it.
Jeff's a good guy-- What are you doing here?
- I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
I'm doing my job. Making sure Jeff doesn't grab that stolen
ham and run off to Mexico. - Well that's what I'm doing.
- Oh are you?! - Yeah!
- That's what you're doing? - Yeah!
- 'Cause it seems to me
that you're getting a little too close
with these Bilskys.
- What are you talking about?!
- I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
You let that one wear your clothes,
your sister's over there feeding that one fish lasagna,
your dad's over there rubbing elbow's with the mom...
- See, the skin on your elbow is called your weenus.
- That word's funny 'cause it sounds like Venus.
You know, the planet.
- Oh, I know that planet.
- See?! - Yeah! Look man,
I don't know what you're talking about
but I can assure you I am not "getting too close"
with the Bilskys, okay?! [ police siren blares ]
- Then case closed! - Yeah!
-ATTENTION! THIS IS THE SWELLVIEW POLICE!
WE GOT YOUR HOUSE SURROUNDED!
- You called the cops?! - No!
- You called the cops?! - No!
-ALSO, WE HIT YOUR MAILBOX WITH ONE OF OUR POLICE CARS.
- Ohhhhh man I just fixed that!
-SORRY.
[ police siren blares ]
- Piper, I don't know if we're going to have
enough fish lasagna for the police.
Can you make more?
- Yeah, it'll take five minutes.
- I thought you cooked all day.
- I know. You're sweet.
- Hey! I don't think
that the cops are here for the dinner party!
- Well, why are they here?!
-WE'RE HERE 'CUZ WE KNOW THERE'S STOLEN GOODS INSIDE!
- You steal something, Mitchy?
- No, I haven't stolen anything in days!
- You stole my clothes.
- Yeah, but I'm not gonna keep 'em!
Well except maybe the underwear.
- You're wearing my underwear?!
- Yeah, but I left a pair of mine for you,
so that's really just a spicy trade.
- Look, we all know they're here
because Jeff stole that expensive ham.
- I didn't steal anything!
- Jeff, you say that every time you steal something!
- I know, but this time I'm telling the truth!
- Yeah, right.
-YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES TO COME OUT
WITH THE STOLEN GOODS, OR WE'RE COMING IN!
- Alright c'mon that's it, Jeff. Let's go.
- I didn't steal the ham!
I swear! Look look look...
- What's that? A receipt for the ham?
- No. It's a speech I wrote 'cuz I knew
you would all accuse me of stealing the ham.
- If you have the receipt you can just show it to the--
- Ahem.
A single drop of water, over time
can cut through a boulder...
- Oh my god...
- Uhhh, where are you going with this one, bro?
- I'll skip ahead...
and--and uh, that's when I realized
that the greatest Nacho Ball of all
was the one inside me...
because I just ate it. And so--
- This is not a speech
it's just a drawing of a sun with sunglasses on
saying, "Stay cool!"
- Fine, you got me. Okay. I was making it up.
Who are you, my arch-rival Sherlock Holmes?
- Dude, if you bought the ham where is the receipt?!
- I don't have it! But even if I did,
it wouldn't matter. No one ever believes us Bilksys.
They think we're just a bunch of liars, and thieves,
and bullies, and criminals.
- Yeah! - And we are.
Except for you, Billy.
You're the best Bilsky ever, Billy Bilsky.
And you got this great girlfriend,
with this great family.
I just wanted to do something nice
for my younger brother.
'Cuz I think you're great, Billy.
So I bought you expensive ham.
- Wow man, that was-- I--
- Ahhhhh....
- Is that-- are you crying?
- Ahhhhhh...
- Ew! Does it always sound like that?
When's it gonna' stop?
Alright you know what? We gotta go. We gotta go.
Come on. Let's go, come on.
Okay, hey look at me. Look at me!
- Ahhhh! Thanks.
How long was I crying?
- Like twenty seconds. - Eh okay.
- Okay, new plan though. Alright?
You go upstairs, you pop a gum ball,
transform, you sneak outside,
you tell everybody that Jeff is innocent.
- Got it.
- Whaddya' got there, Cryin' Gosling?
- That's not my name.
- Is that gum? - No.
- Yes it is I have fish breath now
I want some give me some! - Let...go...
- H-hey! - Want...gum...
- Hate... Bilskys...
- Hahaha! - Grr!
-ALRIGHT YOUS PEOPLE GOT SIXTY SECONDS TO COME OUT
OR WE'RE COMIN' IN!
THIS IS STILL THE SWELLVIEW POLICE, BY THE WAY.
YOU KNOW... IN CASE YOU FORGOT.
- Great! I'm goin to jail! Again!
- No you're not!
I mean...
maybe someday... like next week or something.
But not today! - What are you saying?
- We're gonna eat the evidence.
- [ gasps ]
- You're right.
They can't arrest your brother if there's no evidence.
- But, that's ten pounds of cured ham!
- We can't eat all that!
- We've got to try.
- Ahhh! - Ow, ow!
- Billy's right,
everyone start stuffing ham in your mouth!
- Yes!
-TIME'S UP! WE'RE COMING IN!
Go ahead.
- Hello officer--
[ all groaning ]
- Hey officers.
No stolen ham here.
- We don't care nothin' 'bout that.
- You don't?
- We wouldn't waste our precious time
looking for stolen ham.
[ all groan ]
We're looking for illegal dolls.
- Ah, geez...
- [ sniffs ] Follow me.
- What is going on?
- We got a tip that someone's been selling
stolen Fresno Girl dolls on the internets.
See that ain't legal.
- Listen Billy,
I might be going away for a little while...
- Seriously?
- Well I don't want to say anything
without a lawyer present, but...
- Oh I got a good lawyer.
He also works down at Nacho Ball.
- We got 'em.
They were in the girl's room.
And get this,
some of the heads were filled with bread.
- What?!
- You sick freak.
Let's go.
- Wait for me, Billy!
Wait for me on the other siiiiiiiide...!
- Hey, I'm sorry they arrested your girlfriend, Billy.
- Yeah, whatever. - She's got potential.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
You know, I never should have accused you
of stealing that ham.
- It's all good, bro.
I even got one bite a ham left.
Stuck it in my pants when the cops showed up.
Who wants some pants-ham?
Fine, suit yourself.
Okay, I stole it.
- I KNEW IT! - That's my boy.
- But you gave us that speech!
- I cried!
- I'm a Bilsky. We lie.
- Up top, bro...
- Bilskys! - Bilskys!
- Jeff! - What?
- Good luck catchin' me!
Ahhh! I should have never wished you luck...
- Oh man, I am never eating ham again...
- Me, neither, man. - Actually ham sounds good.
- I'm glad you said that-- - Ahhhhh!
- Hey, why are the lights off?!
- Because we don't need them.
- We have night vision now!
- The liquid cleanse worked!
- Well turn them back on!
Gahhh!
I'm okay!
- I'm going home.
05x11 - The Whole Bilsky Family
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After school, Henry becomes Kid Danger: Captain Man's superhero sidekick.
After school, Henry becomes Kid Danger: Captain Man's superhero sidekick.