05x32 - Cave the Date

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

[ mellow music ]

[ laughs ]

- I will not see that coming...

I did not see that coming!

- Do you ever get bored playing chess against yourself?

- No, I don't.

But I sometimes do.

[ Charlotte's phone gets a text ]

[ groans ]

- The guys are coming back.

- Why did you do that?

- Ray gets mad whenever people do

"smart stuff" in front of him.

Gimme the chess board.

- But I've got myself right where I want me!

- You'll get yourself next time.

[ Schwoz grumbles ]

- Where were they anyway?!

- They went to throw melons at that abandoned house

that people throw melons at.

- Without me? But I've been saving melons for months.

- They should be back soon.

I just asked them to swing by my house

and pick up my phone charger on the way back.

- You sent Ray, Henry, and Jasper to your house

with no adult supervision?!

- Yeah. What's the problem?

- Yeah...name one old Disney movie that isn't.

- No, you're right. - I'll wait.

- Time's changing. - You're right.

- Much more inclusive now... - You're right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa...

- Hey. - What's up?

- Hey. - Hmm?

- Hey. - Hey.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Did you go to my house? - Sure did.

- Oh yeah. - Walked right in.

- So... what happened?!

- Weeee got your phone charger.

- Aaahh!

Why is it hot?!

- Because we pulled it out of the fire.

- You are welcome.

Hit the showers. - Whoo!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Whaaaaaat? - I told you she'd be like this.

- What did I say? - Yeah I owe you ten bucks.

- Did you guys light my house on fire?!

- No no no no... - 'Course not.

- Just take it easy. - I mean... yeah.

- Just the kitchen.

- The kitchen is part of the house.

- The kitchen's gone. It's gone.

- The rest of your house... totally fine.

- Yeah.

- How could you guys light my kitchen on fire?!

- Oh this is gonna be good. Let me get some popcorn.

- What. Happened.

- Okay, first of all,

we couldn't find a light switch anywhere.

- It was very dark. - And kinda cold.

- I happened to have a flare on me.

- Which would solve both problems.

- Oh my god. - Show her.

- Okay. - No!

- So I had a flare... in your kitchen!

- And then we started exploring!

- First thing we found were the curtains.

- Well... - The flare found 'em.

- Those things went up fast.

[ Imitates fire starting ]

- Did you guys try to put it out?!

- Yes. - Of course we did!

- But um you know that saying, "Fight fire with fire?"

- Yeah, that does not work. - No.

- Let's hit the showers. - Whoo!

- Nobody's hittin' the showers!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa--what's your problem

with showers, Charlotte? - Yeah, right?

Let's hit the showers. - Whoo!

- You guys, what about my kitchen!

- Again, her with the kitchen. - Come on!

- I'll take care of it.

You'll have a new kitchen in six to eight weeks.

Here. Take a look at these cabinet samples.

We could do oak or maybe mahogany--

- Oooh!

- I don't need a new kitchen in six to eight weeks.

I need a kitchen today!

- Why? - Yeah, what's your deal?

- My deal is that I have a date tonight with Jack Swagger

and I was gonna make him dinner at my house!

- Wait. - You know Jack Swagger?!

- International music superstar Jack Swagger?!

- Youngest person to win a Grammy Jack Swagger?!

- You have a date? - Yes. With Jack Swagger.

- How do you know Jack Swagger?!

- We went to camp together like ten years ago

back when he was Jack Swaggowitz.

- Okay. How did we not know this until now?!

- I've told you guys like a million times!

You guys just never listen to me.

- I don't believe you. - I don't remember that.

- Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

- Truth or flare? - Truth.

- Who's the first person you ever smooched?

- Jack Swagger. Summer Camp.

Back when he was Jack Swaggowit--

- Dude, check me out! Check me out!

I'm Flarry Potter!

Magic! Magic!

- You're a wizard, Flarry Pottah!

HENRY: Yes! Yes!

Okay, fine. You told us one time.

- Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

[ Charlotte's phone beeps ]

- Who's that from? - Jack Swagger.

We went to camp together.

He's playing at the Swellview Bowl tonight

so we're going to go out for dinner after--

- The ice cream ma--

- Oh my gosh...

[ cries ]

- Okay, so you mentioned it twice.

- You know, scientists say that you have to hear something

three times to be legally remembered--

- Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

- Hey, can you guys swing by my house

and pick up my phone charger on the way back?

I have a date with Jack Swagger.

I know him from camp.

Oh and by the way, the light switch in the kitchen

is a little hard to find so--

JASPER, HENRY AND RAY: Okay, okay...

- Wow. Was that today?

- That was an hour ago. - An hour ago today?

- And I can think of seven more times I've told you guys.

- Not enough time. - Let's move on.

- Well Jack was supposed to come to my house

and have dinner tonight.

But now I can't make him dinner.

- Why not? We got your phone charger.

- Because you b*rned down my kitchen!

- Just take him to that restaurant Sotto Voce.

Nice place. Romantic.

Kitchen not b*rned.

- That you know of. - That I know of.

- We tried that. He's too famous.

He gets mobbed wherever he goes.

- Yeah. I saw him at the dentist once -- tackled him!

Turns out... different guy.

- So you guys can only have dates at your house?

- Or secret restaurants. Like one time in New York

he took me to this cool, underground spot,

below a fake laundromat. - I got it!

We need some place to turn into a fake restaurant. Okay?

Some place nobody knows about?

Somewhere underground?

I say we make a fake restaurant in Henry's house!

- Yes! - No.

- Why not? - There's a hawk in my house.

- There's a hawk in your house? - That's what Piper said.

- What are you doing out here? - Can't go inside.

There's a hawk in the house.

He hates me.

- Why is there a hawk in our house?

- I heard a cricket downstairs last night.

- Go on.

- Well the cricket kept me awake.

So I grabbed some mice and brought 'em in

to get the cricket.

The mice got the cricket but then they wouldn't leave.

So I grabbed a handful of snakes to drive out the mice.

- So there are a bunch of snakes in our house now?

- Not since I got the hawk.

He hates me.

[ Hawk whistles ]

- Relax, Tony. He's outside.

- I may need to crash here 'til the hawk leaves.

- Okay, so we'll do it in the Man Cave.

- Do what in the Man Cave? - Make it a secret restaurant.

- Yes! - No!

We're not turning the Man Cave into a secret restaurant.

- You owe me! You b*rned down my kitchen.

You never listen to me. You get mad at me

when I read books in the Man Cave!

- I knew I smelled books in here!

- You owe me.

- Fine we'll turn the Man Cave into a restaurant!

- Yes!

- Who was playing chess?

Schwoz! - Aieee!

- What do I tell you about that!

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick. - Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles... and fight crime.

Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

[ music ]

[ elevator dings ]

- Sorry I'm late.

The hawk grabbed my tie and wouldn't give it back.

Luckily my dad distracted it with his face.

- Is he okay? - Yeah he's okay,

he's got like razor talons and like a Kn*fe beak. So.

- No, no. I meant your dad.

- Oh no he's in serious pain. This place looks great!

Where's Ray? - Chef's in the kitchen.

- Where's the kitchen?

- Behind the sound proof curtain.

- Whaaaaat?!

[ mouths "I know" ]

RAY: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I JUST HAD IT! HOW COULD I LOSE--

RAY: IT WAS HERE TWO SECONDS AGO!

I SWEAR ON MY FATHER'S PREPURCHASED BURIAL PLOT--

- Hmm. Chef sounds mad.

- Yeah, we should check on him.

RAY: Oh come on!

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa! - What are you doing?

- I can't find my fifth flare!

And if I don't have all five flares it's ruined!

- Put the flares away man. They're for emergencies only!

- Or for playing Truth or Flare!

- It's fine. I just had the thing!

Where--it was here a second ago!

- Found it! I found it.

- Stop. Move. - Where is it?

- Dude, you gotta stop lighting flares in kitchens.

- Why? What's the worst that could happen?

- Okay. Hand them over. - Give them to me man.

- We're done. We're done! We're done!

- Ah! You're ruining my process!

No, don't put 'em in there! Don't put that. Oh.

- Okay. Charlotte and Jack Swagger are close.

I gotta go up to Junk-N-Stuff

and pretend like it's a fake store.

- It is a fake store. - Exactly.

This guy gets it.

- What are you wearing?

- Schwoz and I are the chefs. I am dressed like a chef.

- Uhh...From a cartoon?

- This is what chefs wear. - In cartoons.

- No! In real life! - Okay.

Boom! Now that's a chef.

- No. I got a can of pasta sauce right here

with a picture of a chef on it.

That's what a chef wears.

Here's what a chef looks like. - You're sad.

- What is Ray wearing? - I'm dressed like a chef!

- What? From a cartoon?

- This guy gets it.

- Look at the can! The can's a lie?

- It's a cartoon guy. - This is what a chef looks like!

[ all shouting ]

- I am so sorry we are fully committed this evening.

There are no tables available...

Madam President.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there

because I was just on the phone with...

The President.

- Wow. - Yeah.

- Uh okay... we would like to go to

the secret, underground restaurant.

We have a reservation. For Charlotte Page.

- Mmm. One moment.

[ Jasper makes clicking sounds ]

Ah ha! Here it is.

And I have a note here that says it's somebody's birthday today.

- Not mine. - It's not my birthday either.

- They give you free dessert

if you tell them it's your birthday.

- Then I guess it's my birthday. - Very good, sir.

This guy gets it.

JASPER: Right this way please.

- What'd I tell you about using flares in the kitchen, dude?!

RAY: What did I tell you about playing chess?

- That was Schwoz, dude! Chess is for nerds.

RAY: Ha! Yeah it is!

We good, Henry.

- Whatcha got there, a sound proof curtain?

- Piper?! How'd you get this piano down here?

- Schwoz has a thing.

- Okayyy, why do you have a piano down here?

- This is my baby grand, baby.

I'm gonna play some slow jams for tasty tips.

- It's one person coming to dinner.

- He's not a person. He's a celebrity.

You wouldn't understand.

- Do you even know how to play the piano?

- [ scoffs ]

Nobody actually knows how to play the piano.

I mean look at this thing, there's like a million buttons.

Fortunately, my phone just has one button.

[ piano music ]

[ elevator dings ]

- Whoa, they need to fix their elevator.

- You get used to it.

I assume. If you work here.

Which I don't. Hey look a piano!

- Nice playin'. I love a little slow jam.

- Money speaks louder than words.

- Uh, we have your table ready right over here.

Thanks.

- So what's this place called?

- It's called Food.

- That's dumb.

- Is it? What if I told you it's "food"

spelled with a U with two dots over it?

- See now that's cool.

Cool spelled with a U with two dots over it.

[ Henry and Jack laugh ]

- This guy gets it. This guy gets it.

[ music ]

[ loudly exhales ]

- Where's Jack Swagger?! - Uhhhh...

- We know he's here! Or my name isn't Blaze!

- Is your name Blaze? - Yes!

- Therefore we know he's here!

- Yeah. Where is he? - No no no no no no no.

There's no Jack Swagger here, alright!

There's just a bunch of junk! And a dashing cashier.

- We saw him walking in with a date!

- Yeah. And a piano player took a selfie with him

in some kind of restaurant!

It's all over the Internet.

- This store is probably not even real!

- Yeah. - Yeah!

- It's probably a fake front to hide

a cool underground restaurant for celebrities!

- No no no! It's a fake store that's a front for a super...

secret restaurant!

Yeah, there's a restaurant down there.

- Yes!

[ piano music ]

- This place is great. It's so private.

- I know. It's so annoying

how everyone stares at you everywhere you go.

- Yeah. It's so nice down here, just the two of us.

And those three guys over there.

- Don't you guys have to go cook our dinner or somethin'?

- Dinner's in the oven. - We're all good.

- We're taking our break.

[ elevator dings ]

- Right this way. Table for two.

HENRY: Uhhh...

- No! No no no! No no no!

- This is Henry, he'll be taking care of you this evening.

Oh and what a treat, you get to meet our chefs!

- First question: Do we have any food allergies I need to worry about?

No? - Give us a sec!

- Ahh! - Aieee!

- Who are those people?!

- I know that girl's name is Blaze, because that's how

she knew there was a secret restaurant down here.

- What?! - Or her name wouldn't be Blaze.

Also, also, also, also, Piper posted a selfie with Jack Swagger.

- Well that's just perfect!

♪ The tip jarrrrrr...

♪ is not just for showwwww...

- So now the entire Internet knows

there's a secret restaurant under Junk-N-Stuff?!

- 'Fraid so. I'll probably be back later

with more bad news byeeeee!

- I better start prepping.

Henry, push the shrimp. Hard.

I don't think I can get another day out of it.

- Piper, get in here right now!

- It's a sound proof curtain, dude.

- We'll see about that.

PIPER!

♪ my heart is just a tip jar babyyyy... ♪

♪ so don't leave me feelin' empty... ♪

- Piper! - Dude, stop. She's never going to hear you.

- Well there's a bunch of people in my Man Cave, Henry.

You can't expect me to just stand here and not yell!

PIPER!!!

- Yelling won't help. - Well I have to do something!

It's just a matter of time before someone

sticks their stupid little head through this curtain

and figures out what this "restaurant" really is!

- Hey, guys. - Ahhhh!

- Henry -- just sat your parents down at table two.

It's both their birthdays.

- Okay, thanks, Jasper.

M'parents?!

- Honey, are you still worried about the hawk?

- Yes! I think he has my scent.

- Relaaax. He can't get to you down in this restaurant.

Be present!

[ elevator dings ]

- Sorry, we don't have any tables.

- It's okay. We just came to stare at Jack Swagger.

- Ah, that's a very popular choice tonight.

May I also suggest the shrimp?

- Are your parents really here?! - Yes.

Stop that.

Also Jasper keeps bringing in more people.

- Aieee! What are we going to do?!

- Well. There's only one thing we can do.

- We burn this whole place to the ground.

- Okay, just let me gather some precious photos--

- No, no no no. No.

No. We can't ruin this date for Charlotte, okay.

We gotta keep cooking and convince these people

this is a real restaurant. - Henry is right.

We have to do this for Charlotte.

- And then tomorrow we'll just say it's "closed forever."

- Because of a fire!

- A fake fire.

- D'awww.

- But tonight...we're gonna give these people the best,

and only, dinner service of our entire lives.

Who's with me? - I'm in.

Let's do this for Charlotte. - And fire!

- Aieee. - Really dude?

- Oh. Sorry.

♪ I can taste your sugar, I can taste your heat ♪

♪ I'm too-- rub spice on me ♪

♪ Everybody's got their own decree ♪

♪ But I just want you

♪ want you, don't you want... ♪

♪ I can taste your sugar, sugar ♪

♪ I can taste your heat

[ piano music ]

- Honey. We're at a secret restaurant,

we paid a fortune for the hawk sitter,

and you're not paying any attention to me.

Be. Present.

- Okay the hawk scratched my cornea before we left the house

so I might be wrong, but...

I think that's Piper playing the piano.

- Piper doesn't know how to play the piano.

Nobody does, there's like a million buttons.

[ Kris gets a text on her phone ]

- Why do I have to be present, when you get to--

- Shh shh shh... it's the hawk sitter.

[ gasps ] Tony got out.

- Oh. No.

[ elevator dings ]

- It followed me down! It followed me down!

[ loud hawk cry ]

[ screaming ]

- Save yourself! He's come for me!

[ music ]

♪ I can taste your sugar I can taste your heat ♪

[ music ]

[ loud hawk cry ]

- Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!

[ In Unison ] Dinner is serrrrrrr...

- Where did all the peeples go?

- Looks like they left.

- Rude.

- That is rude.

- Let's hit the showers.

[ giggles ]

- STOP! - Ooooh.

Stop!