05x34 - Game of Phones

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

[ groaning ]

- Why do we always stay all night

when we go to Messy's All-Night Barbecue?

- Why do you guys always buy the t-shirts?

- And why do you always buy them before we eat?

- Better question: Why does Ray always get meat crazy

and then thr*aten to fire anybody who leaves early?

- Or anyone who tries to order a salad...

Piper!

- It was a pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw.

- If it has lettuce it's a salad!

- Yeaaaaaaaaah dog... salad shame her.

- Wait, did anyone else step over a girl just now?

- When? - Ohhhh yeaaaahh...

- I got the meat sweats I can barely see anything.

- Oh yeah. Girl. CHARLOTTE: See, I told you.

- Good eye, Charlotte.

- Seriously, anybody have a towel?

- Why are you here?

- I'm looking for Captain Man.

- Captain Man? What, in a junk store?

That's craaaaazy! Right, guys?!

[ fake laughter ]

- Get the memory wiper.

- You think that's funny?!

- Whoa whoa whoa! - Okay, okay!

- Well, do you?! Keep laughing and see what happens!

- Girl code don't hurt me! - Girl code, don't hurt me!

- I need to find Captain Man!

And I'm not unchaining myself until I do.

- Look, I'm sorry little girl

but obviously none of us are Captain Man.

I mean, look at us.

- Well...I mean, I could be Captain Man.

- Yes, but you're not. Right? So.

- No, no, I'm just saying if any of us here could be Captain Man

obviously it would be-- - Me.

RAY: NO. - I'm oooooh-kaaaa--!

- You shut your filthy mouth, Schwoz!

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa... hey hey hey hey.

It's not worth it.

- What makes you think that Captain Man

would be in front of this random store?

- Someone on the Internet plotted the locations

of all of Captain Man's missions,

divided them by the response time and used Doodle Maps

to determine that he must live somewhere near this store.

[ in unison ] - Whaaaaaaaat? What are you talking about?

- That's the craziest thing I've ever heard.

Where's that memory wiper?

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa, wait. If you need to talk

to Captain Man why don't you just call his hotline?

- I can't. - Sure you can.

- Twenty-four hours. - What's your number?

I'll send it out to you. - I don't have a phone, okay?!

I'm phoneless!

[ Everyone except Ray gasps ]

- You poor thing.

Phonelessness is a big problem here in Swellview.

- Oh, I know. - Yeah.

[ all talking at once ]

- Tell us how this happened.

- My name is Lula Elena Chapa De Silva...

- I'm gonna call you Tammy.

- Call me Chapa. - Okay.

- I once had a phone. It was my first.

It was beautiful, and I loved it.

- I still remember my first phone...

- My phone and I went everywhere together.

We were so happy.

But then... a boy stole it.

[ Piper gasps ]

- He said he wanted to video chat a puppy.

- Awww. - I believed him.

- Mmmm. - I was... so young.

- When did this happen? - Last month.

- That's not that long ago. - Pretty recent.

- Since then I've walked from town to town,

looking for...

el chico que robó mi fón.

- What?

- Oh. The boy who stole my phone.

- Right. Right. - Sounds cooler in Spanish.

- Yeah. - Yeah, it does.

- Well, that's all very terrible.

Good luck finding your lollipop, Tammy.

- My name is Chapa! - Yeah yeah yeah.

Don't forget your chain -- byyeeee.

- Hey! No. No.

- Problem solved! - Come on!

- Hey, who else wants to get down on some more barbecue, huh?

- Oooh! In. Gimme five minutes to hose off out back.

- Hello? I'm not leaving til I talk to Captain Man.

- Dude, we can't just leave this girl

chained outside our store.

- She'll leave. - Come on!

- Gonna attract a lot of attention.

- Please. No one in Swellview's gonna care

about this girl and her phone.

- Swellview cares! About this girl.

And her phone.

- Huh? First time in my life

I've ever been wrong about anything.

- Ahh-ha!

- Blessing in da skies. - Spaghetti is a vegetable.

- Fidget spinners will never die.

- The Earth is flat. - Myspace.

- The last election. - Da da da! News.

TRENT: All of Swellview is rallying behind

Lula Elena Chapa De Silva,

whose phone was stolen by a boy.

It's gone.

KLVY's own Mary Gaperman has even taken a vow of silence,

promising not to speak until Captain Man agrees

to help track down the thief.

- That's right, Trent.

- Uh, Mary... you're not supposed to talk.

- And I won't, until the phone is found.

Vow of silence.

TRENT: Sweet buttered biscuits, Mary, sometimes I think you're--

- The story's not going away. - You should help her.

- No! Superheroes don't care about missing phones!

- Looks like Kid Danger does.

BRIAN: Thank you, Mary. And good luck with that vow.

I'm here with Kid Danger, who cares.

- I sure do, Brian.

- And where is Captain Man?

- I dunno.

- I guess he doesn't care.

- Get me some burnt toast.

- What? - Yeah, what?

- Yeah, what? - Yeah, what?

- Burnt! Toast!

- Kid Danger, you've just committed to helping this girl

find her phone no matter what it takes.

- That's right. - So tell us --

what's your perfect Sunday?

- Wow, great question, Brian.

Um... I love a good brunch-- - Oooh.

CAPTAIN MAN: Hero comin'!

Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!

Hi! Hello. Hi. How's it going? Time in.

- What are you doing here? - Sorry I'm late!

I was... stopping a meteor from destroying the Earth.

Which you can see... by my face.

- You smell like burnt toast.

- Well that's what meteors smell like.

- Well that can't be true. - Well you weren't there.

- Well, you're an idiot so.

- Captain Man, will you commit right here and right now

to help this girl find her phone?

- Brian, I would commit m*rder...

- No no no! Hey hey. Whoa whoa.

- Then do it.

- That's just how "committed" I am.

- Dude, that's burnt toast.

- It's a piece of the meteor.

- Oh my god...Okay...I'm out.

- Where are you going? Why you walkin' away?

Are you afraid of facts? Huh?

Are you afraid of science? You know what meteors look like.

- Space fact: meteors can be sliced.

- It all just kinda happened.

I wanted an after-school job.

But then, an indestructible superhero

hired me to be his sidekick. - Ah!

- Now we blow bubbles... and fight crime.

Feels good.

[ theme music ]

- Call it. - Up the tube!

- Aw, my boot! - Ha!

[ music ]

- Hey, what are you doing?

- I chained myself to the tube pad

like that girl up in Junk-N-Stuff.

Gonna stay here 'til Ray responds to my list of demands.

- I was talking to Schwoz. I don't care what you're doing.

- Well Ray's gonna care, because--

- Okay, you know how pineapples are great

but they're too hard to peel?

- Tell me about it.

There's got to be a better way!

- There is. They sell peelers

at every grocery store that work on pineapp--

- The only possible solution is to crossbreed a pineapple

with a banana to make a pine-nana.

- Anyone know where Ray is?

This chain's starting to get chafey.

- Ray and Henry are up in Junk-N-Stuff.

They tracked down that package thief

that glitter bombed them about a month ago.

- Why? - Well, he's friends

with a lot of other thieves around town.

They think he might know something

about Chapa's stolen cell phone.

[ romantic music ]

- Okay, well they better hurry up,

'cuz I got a list of demands. You guys wanna hear 'em?

- No. - I do not.

- Demand number one: I demand to be heard.

- Oh, c'mon!

[ Jasper screams ]

JASPER: Aw! My pants!

- No.

- Tell us what you know!!! Tell us what you know!!!

And then SHE says, "I'm not your lawyer, I'm your wife!"

[ laughter ]

- Anyyyyway... I know you didn't bring me here

to just tell me hilarious interrogation stories.

- Right you are, buddy. - Mucho correcto.

This little girl lost her dog at a ball pit or something.

- It was my phone and it was stolen!

Was he not paying attention when I told the story?

- He tends to zone out when his name isn't mentioned.

Isn't that right, Captain Man?

- Hmm? What's that? I zoned out.

- I was just explaining to Chapa -- Captain Man -- - Hmm?

- that Brandon here is a thief -- Captain Man --

- What's that? - but he might know

where her phone is. Captain Man.

- Mm. Yes.

So whaddaya know about a lost dog?

- Stolen phone -- Captain Man. - Mm. Phone.

- Sorry. I don't steal phones, that's for scumbags.

- Right. - But I do buy stolen phones

from scumbags! - Oh.

- And I think I know the guy who stole it.

- Where is he?! - Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

- Look, lady! I can't just tell you.

Okay? There's a code among thieves --

we don't just give out each other's numbers to strangers.

But whatever, I'll tell you.

It's: five five five zero zero six nine...

Why aren't any of you writing this down?

- You got it. Right? - Whatever, I'll start over.

- Okay. - Okay.

It's five five five

zero zero six nine

still not writing anything down...

[ music ]

- Okay... while you guys were playing cards,

I set up a meeting to buy the stolen phone.

- Noice! - Noice!

- Euchre, suckahhhs!

- Oohh! - Whoo!

[ Piper and Captain Man in unison] - Nerds!

- Wow. Thanks, friend.

So when is this phone thief gonna be here?

- He said he won't bring a stolen phone inside city limits.

So he wants to meet at that desert area

between Swellview and Neighborville.

- No Man's Land?

- Smart. No laws out in No Man's Land, so anything goes.

- Wait, how do you know about No Man's Land?

- Oh, I used to sell knockoff Captain Man keychains out there.

Made bank. Still got some actually if anyone's interested.

CAPTAIN MAN KEYCHAIN: I'm ooooh so good!

- Yeah. I want... - Yeah, I'll give you a few.

I'll give it to you. - Give it.

- Awww. - Awww.

- It's an unlicensed product. It goes in the knockoff bin.

CAPTAIN MAN KEYCHAIN: I'm ooooh so good!

- "Git-er-done?"

- Made bank off of those, too.

[ coyote howls ]

- Oh, let's go hooooommmme.

- Dude, get down!

- We've been hiding here two whole meeyinitts.

I'm bored. - Hey!

I chained myself to that door for five days!

You can't take two minutes?!

- My time is more valuable than yours!

Two of my minutes are like ten of your days!

- Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.

- Do you know how many rashes I got...

- Shhh! Someone's coming! Someone's coming!

- Bush mode! Bush mode!

- Bushing! Bushing!

[ music coming from earphones ]

- Is that him? Is that the boy that stole your phone?

- I can't tell. - Good enough for me --

let's melt his face and go home.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's just creep a little closer first.

- Someone else is here! - Squat! Squat!

Squat! Squat!

[ Toddler cries ]

TODDLER: Someone get me outta this car seat!

[ car door closes ]

- I know that voice.

- Is that...? - Schwoz?

- The Toddler? - The Toddler.

I was gonna say the Toddler. The Toddler.

- Alright, let's make this quick.

It's past my bedtime and I'm gettin' cranky!

- Who is that Man-Baby?

- That's no man, it's The Toddler.

And don't call me "baby."

- Don't act like a baby and I won't have to. Baby.

- Oooh. Chapa with the fire clapback.

- That clapback was not fire.

- It was straight fire.

- It was water at best.

- Just take the L, my dude.

- I will not take -- - Shhh!

DR. MINYAK: Toddler! You have left your sippy cup

in my automobile. - Well bring it over here!

- I know that voice too.

- Yeah! It's...

- Dr. Minyak. - Darrrktarrr Maaan-yap.

- Doctor Minyak. Doctor Minyak.

- Gimme that!

BEEKEEPER: Now, now Toddler...

"bee"have.

TIME JERKER: Yes, don't make us put you in a time-out.

KID DANGER: The Time Jerker and The Beekeeper?!

I don't understand. Why do all these bad guys want your phone?!

- I don't know!

DR. MINYAK: You are The Messenger, I presume?

- Yessir.

- You bring what we talked about?

- Right here. You bring the money?

[ Toddler laughs ]

- Ahhh!

- That is an unlicensed lunchbox!

- Ha-ha!

- Now it's face-melting time.

- Wait wait wait. Let's just stay hidden

and see if any more bad guys show up!

- If someone can just sign right here...

- I'll do it!

- Sorry, I need an adult to sign for it.

- Every stinkin' time...

- I shall be the designated signatory!

But first... I have to pee.

- Alright. Just bee quick about it.

- Yeah, go pee on those bushes!

- Please avert your eyes, everyone,

while I water the desert with my--

- No no! No! - No no! No!

- Nope nope nope!

[ Toddler laughs ]

- Evenin'.

[ music ]

- Okay, just give us what's in that tube

and I promise no one's gonna get hurt.

- Heyyyy... no need to hurt me.

I am just the messenger...

- sh**t him. - No!

Don't sh**t the messenger.

- Someone just give me my phone back!

- What are you talking about?!

- Yeah, could you bee more specific?

- Her phone! It's in the tube.

- We want it.

- Now wait just one second!

- There's no phone in the tube.

- Yeah. Go on. Show 'em.

- These are blueprints for an Omega w*apon

that would destroy Captain...

Man.

- Well now I want those plans.

- Yeah, I would also like those plans.

- Still want my phone.

- Well come and get it.

And by "it" I mean a thrashing.

A tolly-whopping.

A tub-thumping.

A two-fisted toodaloo!

- Not tonight, Minyak.

Get ready to eat Big Mac and The Whopper!

Americaaaaa!!!

- Let go of me! - It's not me.

- Our bushes are stuck! - Oh, come on!

- Well, well, well...

it looks like we finally have

Captain Man and Kid Danger

right where we want them.

- It's about time...

- Let's swarm and destroy them!

- No! - Yes.

But first... let's take videos of us

slapping them in the face!

- Ah! Get off me!

CAPTAIN MAN: Stop it!

Kid, get... your... laser... remote...

- I'm... trying...

I can't... reach...

- Maybe I can get them.

KID DANGER: They're in our utility belts!

- That's my silly string! Don't waste it!

- Why do you have silly string?!

- Because regular string is boring!

Right? - That's it! That's it!

- Yes! - I can't aim!

- Spin! Spin! Spin! Spin! Spin!

PROMIE: Excuse me! Is anyone here

trying to buy a stolen phone?

- My phone!

GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE!

- Retreat!

TODDLER: Leaving, no!

TODDLER: Go left, go right! Oh no!

- NOOOOOOOO!!!!

- Nice sh**t', Tex!

- It's Chapa!

- It's an expression! Relax, Tammy.

- Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!

- Whoa whoa! Hey hey! - Hey hey hey hey!

- Hey! Take a picture of me

waving my butt in The Toddler's face.

It's funny 'cuz it's disrespectful!

- She doesn't have a phone, dude!

- Oh right, I forgot.

- You guys have been a big help.

See ya around.

- Where'd your bag come from?

- Where you goin', Tammy?

Where you goin', Chapa?

- I'm going to find the boy who stole my phone.

- What? - Wait. You're just gonna walk after him?

- Yes.

- That kid could be anywhere by now.

- Then anywhere is where I'll go...

- Alright. - Alright then.

That didn't make any sense, did it?

- Nope.

[ music ]

- New ring tone? - Oh! Yeah, sorry...

- No, no no wait wait... it's kinda nice.

Awww...

- Just call my phone. - Oh yeah.

Good idea. - Thank you.

- Call Kid Danger.

PHONE VOICE: Calling Kim Danvers.

- What? Oh no, no no--

[ Kim Danvers on phone ] - Heyyyyyy, stranger!

I never thought you'd call me again...

- Errrr... Neither did I...

[ fake laughs ]

[ music ]

- Hey, did Schwoz ever combine that pineapple and banana?

- Yeah, but you don't want one, dude.

- Yeah, that fly got into the mixing cage

and turned it into a freak of nature.

- Bring it over, I wanna see.

- Just take those chains off and get one yourself.

- No! I'm staying right here until Ray meets my demands.

There's nothing anyone can do to make me move.

Ahhhh!

- What do you make of those blueprints, Schwoz?

Can that w*apon really destroy me?

- I don't know what they were talking about.

These blueprints aren't for an Omega w*apon.

They're for a toaster.

- Dude, can a toaster destroy you?

- I don't know. But tomorrow we should destroy

all the toasters in Swellview just to be safe.

- There's some kind of weird stain on here...

- So... my demands.

I demand that you let me finish my senten--

- Hey, how was your date with Kim Danvers last night?

- Ugh -- awful. - Yeah.

- In fact I'm gonna delete her number right now.

Because there's no way I'm going to call Kim Danvers again.

PHONE VOICE: Calling Kim Danvers again.

- No no no no no--

[ Kim Danvers on phone ] - Heeeeeyyyyy...

- Hi, Kiiiimmm...

agaiiinnn...

[ music ]

I'll call you back.

[ suspenseful music ]