07x01 - Doug's Midnight Kiss"

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear Journal,

well, Christmas was finally over,

lots of cool presents
and hardly any socks.

With New Year's coming up,
it was time to see

how well I did on last year's resolutions.

"Four: Walk a mile
in everybody's shoes." Check.

"Five: Grow chest hair." Check.

"Six: Tell Patti how I feel about her."

[sighs] Oh, well. Maybe next year.

Hey, Doug, how was your Christmas?

Uh, very... merry.

Yeah. Mine, too.

Are you going
to Beebe's New Year's Eve party?

I guess so.

-Me, too. Well, see ya.
-See ya.

Hey, Guy!

Hold the Mayo. [chuckles]

New Year's Eve, it's just another night.
No big deal.

[sighs] You're right, man.
New Year's Eve is no big deal. [slurping]

[Beebe] New Year's is a huge deal!

There's lots of eating
and dancing and kissing.

Everybody kisses at New Year's.

-Everybody?
-Sure.

At midnight, you got to kiss
whoever you're with.

It's a tradition!

A frothy goat, please.

Mmm.

Skeeter, that's it!

What's it, man?

This New Year's Eve.

It could be the night
I check off all those boxes

on my resolution list.

If Patti's going to kiss someone
at midnight,

I'm going to make sure it's me.

[footsteps]

-[whistling]
-[clock chiming]

["Auld Lang Syne" playing]

Whoa!

-[barking]
-[laughing]

Oh, I get it, man.

Since kissing is a New Year's tradition,

Patti will have to kiss you.
She'll have no choice!

Yeah... I mean, no.

I mean, if I could just give her one kiss,

maybe she'd finally know
how I really feel about her.

[playing romantic piano music]

Oh, Doug, you're so talented,

so romantic, so... so...

-Rachmaninoff-y? [chuckles]
-Yes!

Yes!

Haha!

[playing romantic song]

Oh, I want you to kiss me
like you've never kissed anyone before.

Skeeter! I've never kissed anyone before!

I don't think I even know how.

Never kissed anyone before? What a loser!

Oh, yeah?
And how many girls have you kissed, Roger?

Well, if you must know, Funnie,
I kissed, uh...

Hmm, let's see...

Ninety-seven girls last New Year's.

Oh, yeah. But how many of them
wanted you to, Roger?

Who cares? The point is
even a scammed kiss counts,

and I'm going for a new record this year.

See ya... losers!

Huh. New Year's Eve is the only way
Roger can get a kiss.

Yeah, but he sounded so... experienced,

and I don't know
the first thing about kissing,

unless you count my grandmother.

I got to learn fast!

'Cause when that clock strikes midnight,

I'm going to be right there
with the perfect kiss.

Are you going to eat that?

[man] Haha!

Oh, smash...

[kissing]

Ahem.

Huh? Whoa!

Do you and your balloon want to be alone?

Um...

[Stutters] I...

No, no, no. Don't tell me.

You're practicing for some loud, mindless,
bourgeois New Year's Eve bash,

where mob mentality forces you
to kiss someone at midnight,

Patti, perhaps?

Uh... Um...

Give me that.

Allow me to show you the proper technique.

Un petit, mon amour. Amour c'est moi.

Gee, I don't know.

Oh, Dougie-wuggie,

come give your Pattikins
a great big smackeroo!

-[kissing]
-[gasps]

Hey, cut it out, Judy!
Stop kidding around!

-I'm telling!
-[Judy kissing]

-[screaming]
-[kissing]

There was no help on the sister front.

Didn't Judy realize

this was the most important kiss
of my life?

So I decided to turn to the experts.

" One Hundred and Twenty-nine Steps
To Make Kissing Easy."

"Step 26"... Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

-Hey, man!
-[screams]

I didn't know you liked
Teen Mush magazine.

Uh...

-Uh...
-Cool issue.

I'm already on step 32.

Oh.

[whistling]

Kissing Patti was going to be
a lot harder than I thought.

I was going to need to do more research...

or maybe I could just imitate nature.

[Roger] Hey, Funnie!

Is that condition curable?

Uh... Oh, hey, Roger.

Uh, recently I've been thinking
of becoming a marine biologist, and--

Cut the chin-wag, Funnie.
Tomorrow's New Year's Eve,

and I don't want to risk chipping my lips
with idle conversation.

[sighs] It's pretty sad when even Roger
knows more about kissing than I do.

[kissing]

[kissing]

I couldn't wait, midnight, New Year's Eve.

Patti would finally know
the way I really felt about her.

-[crash]
-Ow!

[man singing] ♪ You made me kiss you ♪

♪ I didn't wanna do it... ♪

It just wouldn't be New Year's

without Buddy La Flame
and his band of acclaim.

And my delicious air-popped popcorn.

Are you going to a party tonight, dear?

Oh, puh-lease!

I abhor those mindless rituals.

There is nothing more plebeian

than watching the hoi polloi
blowing noisemakers

and making fools of themselves.

[horn blows]

-Happy New Year, family!
-Ugh!

What are you planning on doing, dear?

I intend to sit in my room
and clean out the attic of my mind,

and I do not want to be disturbed!

[yawns] Oh, dear.
I'm not sure I'll make it till midnight.

Who says we have to wait till midnight?

[kissing]

It was kind of embarrassing.

They are my parents, after all,
and really old,

but they did look like
they really liked each other.

-Douglas, all ready for Beebe's party?
-Uh-huh.

Do you have a ride over there, Son?

Yeah. I got a ride with Mr. Dink.
He's chaperoning.

Well, gotta go.

Have a good time, Douglas, and...

Happy new year, mister!

[tooting]

-[tooting continues]
-Om...

[screams]

Hoi polloi!

Happy New Year there, Douglas, my boy!
Hop in!

[laughs]

[dance music playing]

Mmm-mmm! Goat cheese
and garlic! Want one?

No. Too dangerous, you know, breath-wise.

I'd better stick to carrots.

Hey, Skeete, now that
you're through with the dip,

let's dance!

[rock music playing]

-Whoa!
-What a dip!

-Whoo!
-[laughing]

[screams]

Hey, big guy, great to see ya.
Lookin' good.

[coughing]

I thought you never went
to seventh grade parties, Guy.

I don't. I'm in the next room

with Bill Bluff
and the future captains of industry

having a grown-up party!

Well, catch you later, big guy.
Got to mingle!

Mmm! Great goat cheese dip.

I'm sticking with the carrots.

Hey, Doug! Great party, huh?

[gulps]

Yeah, great.

Om...

I am so bored!

[sighs]

I wonder what Cassius is doing tonight.

-[phone ringing]
-Hello, this is Cassius.

Hey, Cassius, I was--

We all know New Year's Eve
is a mindless ritual for the hoi polloi.

Happy hoi polloi! [laughs]

[woman] Happy New Year, Cassius.

-[kissing]
-[grunts]

Hoi polloi!

[dance music playing]

[clock strikes 11:00]

[imitating Bugs Bunny]
Eh, what's up, Doug?

Made any New Year's resolutions yet?

Well... [gulps]

Well, maybe just one.

Yeah? Me, too.

I've decided to develop
some character flaws. Mmm.

Mmm. You know, people don't like you
when you're too perfect.

Don't worry, Chalky. You can do it.

You've already made a good start.

You're talking with your mouth full.

Hey, you're right! Thanks, Doug.
Happy New Year.

[TV announcer] We now return to
It's an Inconceivably Wonderful Life.

Well, but don't you see?

[stutters] It all makes sense now.

If I hadn't have gone to Washington
and become a senator that time,

all this would have never happened. I...

Oh, hello, dear. Is the TV too loud?

No, that's okay.

It's my favorite holiday movie!

Oh, puh-lease!

That is such a trite, manipulative film.

If it's bothering you,
we'll just turn it off.

No! I... I mean, uh, not yet.

Right after this scene... Maybe.

And I wouldn't have become a circus clown
and been in that train wreck

or gone fishin' on gilded pond!

Oh, hold it. That was the other guy.
And I'm getting confused.

-[clock ticking]
-[dance music playing]

[yawns]

Only the most important moment in my life,

and I can hardly keep my eyes open.

-[horn blares]
-Hey! Wake up, Funnie!

You've got to watch me
set a new kissing record.

[kissing]

Yep, a girl like you
could go a long way at the school paper.

[moans]

-[dance music playing]
-Excuse me, Connie.

Hey!

Psst! Skeeter!

Hey, cool moves, man.

Skeeter, it's almost New Year's.

What if I blow it?
What if I don't kiss her right?

What if I poke her
in the eye with my nose?

What if our teeth hit and cause a spark
that hits the curtains and starts a fire?

Wow. Could happen, man.

[kissing]

Ew! Gross!

[screams]

Where did you learn to kiss, on a balloon?

Well, yeah, but don't leave!

I'll try harder next time!

Get real!
There'll never be a next time, loser!

No!

[gasps]

Doug...

Are you okay?

Uh... Perfect. [laughs] Excuse me.

Huh.

[giggles]

Steady, Doug.

Steady.

She was close, very close.

Doug! Glad to see
you're enjoying the onion dip.

Onions?

Excuse me.

Yoo-hoo!

[gargling]

[inhales]

[exhales]

[sniffs]

Whew... close.

But I am now minty-fresh
and ready for action.

[girl] Roger, no!

[laughs] [growls]

-[Doug] Patti?
-[tooting]

Hey, have you guys seen Patti?
I can't find her anywhere.

Oh, yeah, she left for another party
with Guy Graham.

Patti? Gone? With Guy?

But it's almost... midnight!

Thar she blows! [laughs]

Oh, I'm so partial
to tiny cocktail weenies. [laughs]

[Doug] Mr. Dink, could you give us a ride
to some other parties?

It's an emergency.

Hmm. Well, why, certainly, Douglas.

Ooh. Mmm. Now that's good eating.

Sorry to interrupt your New Year's Party,
guys, but have you--

[laughs] Correction, it's actually
a post-New Year's Eve party.

What?

Technically, New Year's
has already occurred,

precisely at Greenwich Mean Time.

However, in Bluffington,
it is time to party.

[both] Let's dance!

Hey, man, I didn't know you danced.

[both] We don't.

But our cyber-shoes do.

They're programmed
to make us dancing fools.

Go ahead, try to stump us.

Uh, Watusi.

[beeps]

[Shoes] Watusi. Watusi.

Watusi. Watusi. Watusi.

Hmm. Let's see. Oh, Boogaloo.

Boogaloo. Boogaloo.
Boogaloo. Boogaloo. Boogaloo.

Macarena.

Nice try, but that dance
has zero foot movement.

Wow. I must have those shoes.

How much do you want for them?

[both] They're very expensive.

Now you're talking. Will you take a check?

Moo, have Patti and Guy been here?

They left just before you got here.

Left?

[Yakkestonian music playing]

Fentrek, have you seen Patti and Guy?

Oh, Patti and Guy?

Oh. They have just been leaving.

Whoo. But you are mostly in time
for a traditional New Year's.

Whoo! Haha. Ah, yes.

Thanks, Fentrek.

But this is where
all Yakkestonian holidays

are converging to glorious climax.

[cheering]

Happy New Year very much.

Uh, you, too, Fentrek.

Just missed them, huh?

[sighs] Well, that's it.
We've looked everywhere.

[dance music playing]

I can't believe I can't find her.

This has got to be
the worst New Year's Ever.

There's always next year, man.

Yeah, next year.

Oh, almost midnight.
Let's fire these babies up.

[drumroll]

[all] Five, four, three, two, one...

Happy New year!

[cheering]

Ooh. [laughs]

Oh, just needs a little adjustment.

-[shoes] Happy New Year! Wow! Ooh! Wow!

Ooh. Whoo. Wow.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.

Help! Somebody call somebody!

Wow! Whoo! [screams]

Yecch!

That's one.

[Mr. Dink] Whoa! I'm out of control!

Hey, you got something in your eye.

Really?

Don't worry. I'll get it.

[screams]

Mmm. Yes! That's two.

Mr. Dink's shoes weren't the only thing
that needed adjustment.

Now we're cooking. Here we go. Oh, boy.

[girl screams] Roger!

[Roger] That's three.

[Roger kissing]

[girl 2 screams] Roger!

That's four.

Watching Roger, I was suddenly glad
I didn't try to steal a kiss from Patti.

[girl 3 screams] Pig!

That's five.

I wanted my first kiss
to really mean something,

to be something special,

not because it was New Year's,

but because Patti wanted me to kiss her.

[Roger] That's 34.

-[girl 4] Roger!
-[pie splats]

Yes!

I wanted my first kiss to be
like the one my parents gave each other,

because they really care about each other.

That's the kind of kiss I wanted,
and I'm willing to wait until I get it.

I want a New Year's kiss,
and I want it now!

All right, all right.

You call that a kiss? Get real!

Happy New Year!

[kissing]

["Auld Lang Syne" playing]

[parents snoring]

Happy New Year, Mom.

Happy New Year, Dad.

[blows noisemaker]

Doug... There you are.

[gulps] Patti.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Uh, me, too... you.

Where's Guy?

Guy? Ugh. Do you believe
this whole New Year's Eve

was about Guy
trying to steal a kiss from me?

Steal a kiss?

That's bad, isn't it?

So what did you do?

Well, I told him
I was just at the party to have fun,

and if this whole party was about kissing,
then I was leaving.

Well, then I'm glad you did.

Me, too. At least with you,
I can relax about all that kissing stuff.

I'm just not ready for that yet.

Yeah... [laughs] ...me, neither.

Hey, Funnie, 98 kisses.
I broke my own record.

-Well, can't talk now. Gotta run.
-[girls yelling]

You hungry?

There might still be a little pie left
that Roger's not wearing.

[both laugh]

You know, I think
I'll have a party next New Year's.

You want to help me put it on?

Yeah. That'll be fun.

Oh, I always have fun with you, Doug.

Come on, let's get some pie.

So, Journal, I guess
there's a time for everything,

and now really wasn't the time
for me to kiss Patti.

I guess we'll just wait and see
what happens next year.

[theme music playing]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[talking indistinctly]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
it was just another typical, hectic day

in the life of a newspaperman.

Hurrying to stay on top of breaking news,

rushing to get the story
ahead of the competition.

It was nothing but go, go, go...

[both] Go! Go!

[Doug] ...most of the time.

-All right.
-Yeah! Way to go!

[announcer] We interrupt this game
for a K-Bluf special report.

Well, some thought
they might have been eaten by k*ller tofu,

but they're not dead yet.

Dinosaur supergroup, The Beets,

are going back into the studio
to record a reunion CD.

The group hasn't released a CD in years,

due to scheduling problems,
creative conflicts,

and the fact
that they can't stand each other.

Mmm, this CD is about us
getting back to our roots.

See, I learned to play the blues

from Sugarblossom Pigfoot Locomotive
Fathead Jingleheimer Schmidt and--

Oh, please!

You learned to play the blues
from a mail order catalog.

And not very well at that, I might add.

Hey, you're hogging the shrimp.

Well, here. Let's share!

Ow!

Eww. You gimme that thing!

In pursuit of their roots,

the group is working this week
at Mollusk Shoals Studios

in Flounder' s hometown of Bluffington.

[both] Bluffington!

-Mollusk Shoals! Wow!
-I wish I could go see 'em.

[sighs] As usual,
I'm way ahead of you guys.

I just arranged an interview
tomorrow with The Beets.

How' d you like to come along?

[rock music plays]

Fantastic party, fellas.

What party, mate?
This is just an average workday. [laughs]

[Patti] Hey, Guy.

Ah.

This is great.

I'm having so much more fun with you
than I ever have with, say, Doug.

Hey, could you rub
some sunscreen on my back?

Sure.

Oh, man.

[footsteps]

[whistling]

[expl*si*n]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[Doug] Guy taking Patti
to a Beets recording session?

How could I compete
with an offer like that?

-Well, what do you say, Miss M?
-We'd love to come. Right, Doug?

Uh, Patti, I'm not sure Guy meant us,
as in both of us.

Oh, Doug, don't be silly.

Guy would never be so rude
as to just invite one of us,

would you, Guy?

Uh, right.

Two's company, three's, uh, even better.

Okay.

[together] All right.

[Doug] I wanted to look
as cool as humanly possible

for the recording session.

So the next morning
I borrowed some clothes from Skunky.

[growling approval]

[hooting]

[barks, whistles]

Perfect.

Almost ready to go, son?

Sure am.

Good. I'll go change into my work clothes.
Grandma's waiting.

Uh, Grandma?

Today's the day you promised
to help your father

clean out Grandma Funnie's attic.
Remember?

[Mom, echoing] Remember? Remember?
Remember? Remember?

[echoing] Blah, blah. Blah.
Blah blah blah...

[Doug] Uh-huh, sure, Dad

Good, because your Grandma and I

sure could use your help
cleaning out that attic.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no!

Mom, The Beets are coming to record,
and this is my only chance to go.

And Guy and Patti are gonna be here
any minute, and--

A promise is a promise.
Your father is counting on you.

But, Mom, I--I--

Douglas Yancy Funnie,

[thinking] I knew when Mom
used my middle name,

there was no hope.

-[horn honks]
-Huh?

Aw, I better go tell them I can't make it.

Oh, man.

Ready to go, son?

Uh, Dad, could you stay inside
for just five minutes?

Why, sure, son, I--

Whoa.

Hola, Dougie-do.
Have you met my brother, Ethan?

Uh, hi.

Patti, you look incredible.

Oh, I just borrowed
a few things from Beebe.

Come on. Let's get going.

Actually, I-- well, I can't go.

You can't go? How come?

Aw, gee, Doug, that's a shame.
We'll miss ya.

Well, I'm sure The Beets
will be so disappointed.

Yeah. Well, it just so happens
I have something way cooler to do.

And that would be?

Well, uh--

[Phil] Doug? We gotta get a move on.

Grandma just called.
Said we have to help her find her teeth.

Very cool, Doug.
Be sure to invite us along next time.

See ya!

Say, if your friends
want to come over to Grandma's,

I'm sure she'd love to have them.

Sure. Great, Dad. Perfect.

[Doug] So, while Guy and Patti
were off being cool with The Beets,

I was sorting through
all the totally uncool junk

my Dad had when he was a kid.

Obviously, none of his stuff
had ever been hip.

Hmm.

Man, who was this band?

Dad definitely had lame taste.

Hey, I can't believe this is still here.
I thought Mom sold it.

[cymbals clang]

[coughs]

You play drums, Dad?

Well, I used to do a lick or two.
That's music talk, son.

Ahem.

Huh?

Wha--aah!

Oh! Dad? [crash]

[screaming]

Ooh.

Dad, are you okay?

I, uh, landed on my keys.

[Doug] I couldn't believe
my Dad was such a doofus.

Was it just him, or are all Dads this way?

Hmm. I wonder what Quailman's Dad is like.

[narrator] High above Earth
in the peaceful vastness of outer space,

all is quiet.

But somewhere in this blackness,

the sinister Golden Salmon
prepares to blaze a trail of destruction.

[evil laugh]

At last,
my evil Cosmic Imperviator is ready.

Now I, the Golden Salmon,

will be able to destroy the planet Earth,
conquer the universe,

and impress Patti Mayonnaise.

[narrator] How would destroying the Earth
impress Patti Mayonnaise?

Well, I-- I figured it was worth a sh*t.

And now, without much further ado
about nothing,

I shall laugh maniacally
as I prepare to commit my dastardly deed.

[cackles]

[narrator] The destruction of the Earth
is imminent when suddenly--

What? What the--

Fish flakes! It's Quailman.

Your evil scheme is at an end,
Golden Salmon.

That's what you think.

Aah!

Ha ha!

[speaking Russian]

Huh?

[dog barking]

Drat! There goes my Cosmic Imperviator.

[narrator] Quaildog saves the day.

The Cosmic Imperviator hurtles towards
the infinite reaches of outer space

-and certain destruction until--
-Oof!

Dad?

Um, hello, Quailson.

Ha! It appears your bumbling father,
Quai-el,

has made a fool of you, Quailman.

Now I, the Golden Salmon,
shall retrieve my Cosmic Imperviator,

destroy the Earth, and--

Well, you know the rest.

I'm outta here.

Dad, what are you doing here?
Why aren't you back on planet Bob?

I had to leave for a while.
The planet's being re-carpeted.

Oh, by the way,
Grandma knitted you this quail sweater.

[struggling]

Whoa!

Oops. Sorry, son.

That's okay, Quaildad.

So, how long were you planning on staying?

As long as there's a wrong to be righted,

a villain to be foiled,
and a planet to be carpeted,

I will stay by your side.

So, what's that, about an hour and a half?

Ha ha! That's a good one, son.

Let's go poach that Golden Salmon.

[whistles, barks]

Hee hee.

[narrator] From the far
reaches of outer space,

the Golden Salmon flees
into the depth of the sea.

But Quailman and his faithful companion,
uh, companions--

There!

[narrator] ...doggedly pursue him.

Hah!

[narrator] No clever diversions will stand

in the way of Quailman
apprehending his fishy foe

until he's foiled at the very last moment
by forces beyond his control.

-[crash]
-[Phil] Oof!

[muttering]

How embarrassing.

The old lassoed-by-an-eel trick.

Uh-oh.

-Huh?
-Huh?

-Aaah!
-Aaah!

[Phil] Doug? Son? Come on. Where are you?

I-it's very dark in here.

-Son? Son?
-Ha ha!

[narrator] For no apparent reason,
the Golden Salmon leads his pursuers

into a volcanic crater.

What are we doing in a volcanic crater?

It's the perfect location
for our big chase scene.

[woof]

Hey!

No fair.

Ow! Hot, hot, hot!

Those who traffic in evil
deserve to get b*rned.

Don't worry, son.

I'm here to help.

[narrator] In a misguided attempt
to come to the aid of his son,

Quai-el accidentally brushes
against the volcano's on/ off switch.

-Uh-oh.
-[together] Aah!

Ha ha!

Sorry, son.

Back on planet Bob,
volcanoes don't have on/ off switches.

Forget it, Dad.

[narrator] Before destroying the Earth,

the Golden Salmon
visits a Megalopolis Bank

to withdraw the funds
from his Christmas Club account.

[whistling]

Hold that elevator, please.

Why, certainly.

Thank you.

[grunts]

Dad!

That was a bad thing, right?

Must stop the Golden Salmon.

[grunting]

Whoa!

[moaning]

Quaildog, I've had it.

Back on planet Bob,
my Dad may be a big cheese.

But here on planet Earth,
he's grating on my nerves.

Get it? Cheese, grating?

[chuckling]

[grumbling]

He interferes with my efforts to do good.

[whimpering]

[thinking] Perhaps in the present moment,

doing good is spending
time with your father.

[Doug] Oh, hi, Dad.

I brought you some new power briefs.

[groans]

Listen, I was thinking,
maybe I ought to head back to planet Bob.

They're probably through
re-carpeting by now.

But, Dad, you've been here
such a short time.

There's-- there's wrongs to be righted,

Villains to be foiled.

No, son, what you were
saying before is true.

Maybe it's time for me to hang up my belt
and get out of the superhero business.

I guess I could take up shuffleboard
or retire to the planet Geezer.

Dad, I didn't mean it.

I was just blowing off steam
after a hard day of saving the Earth.

Now, son, let's not kid ourselves.

Oh, and don't forget
to visit from time to time.

-[crash]
-Aaaaah!

Oh, man, I could sure use a visit
from someone friendly and sympathetic.

[doorbell rings]

Miss Mayonnaise.

Just the person I wanted to see.

Come right in.

I brought you some baked goods.

How sweet. You shouldn't have.

[whistles, growls]

Well, aren't you gonna open it?

I'll just get some plates and--

[barking, whimpering]

Yes, Quaildog, it's a dress. That's right.

Sorry. He's not usually this doggy.

[whimpers]

Oh, boy. I can't wait to have
some of these baked goods.

Hmm.

Whoa!

[evil laugh]

Quaildog, it's the Golden Salmon.

I can't believe I fell for
the bad-guy in-a-rubber girl-head trick.

[whimpers]

Ha ha! You credulous fools.

If you don't mind, I'll be taking this.

[crash]

Now, I'll focus the concentrated rays
of the sun upon your combustible bodies.

Hope you're in the mood for extra crispy.

[evil laugh]

Aaah!

I'm outta here.

Well, what do you know, Quaildog?

We're the baked goods.
Get it? Baked, good.

Ha ha!

[growling]

[sighs] I'm looking for a new plant
to take home.

Something that would do well
on an alien planet with reverse gravity

that's entirely covered in pile carpeting.

Well, you could try Bougainvillea.
They're quite a hardy little plant.

Oh, my. What was that?
Does it seem a bit warm in here to you?

Hmm, flowers drooping.

Excessive heat.

But today's the vernal equinox,
the first day of Spring.

Flowers shouldn't be drooping.

Perhaps I'd better put off my return
to the planet Bob.

Well, looks like this is it, Quaildog.
What a thirsty way to go.

[gasps]

[woof] Dad!

I'll halt these rays with my multipurpose
long-range porcine deflector shield.

In other words, I'll neutralize them
with my middle-age spread.

[grunts]

Thank goodness.

No time for thanks, son.

Do you realize what day this is?

The vernal equinox.

-So?
-So?

The perfect solar moment
for the Golden Salmon's dastardly scheme.

Follow me!

At last, the perfect solar moment
for my dastardly scheme.

Uh, actually, the summer solstice,
which is the first day of summer,

would be better,
but I'm on vacation that week.

My Cosmic Imperviator is pushing Earth
directly into the Sun!

[evil laugh]

Golden Salmon,

I advise you to get out of here
while you still have a chance.

Ha ha ha. You're too late, Quailies.

My Cosmic Imperviator
is already accomplishing its mission,

and there's nothing you can do about it.

Oh, really? Watch this!

Dad, what are you doing?

Don't worry, son,

I'm simply neutralizing my comb-over

in order to use the radiant refulgence
of my positronic pate

to disrupt his phase pulse beam.

-Huh?
-In other words,

I'll foil his ray with my bald spot.

My Cosmic Imperviator!

Fools! I was still making payments on it.

I'm letting you off
with a warning citation

for attempted planetary destruction.

Please fly carefully.

[sighs] I would have gotten away with it

if it hadn't been
for those meddling Quails.

-You know what you are, Dad?
-What, son?

-You're my hero.
-[woof]

[Phil, echoing] Doug? Doug?

Doug, didn't you hear your Grandma?
There's a phone call for you.

Phone call?

-Hello? Oh, hey, Patti.
-Doug,

you have got to come down to the studios.

They're gonna take pictures
for the CD cover.

We're all gonna be in them.

If you came down,
you could be in them, too.

Seriously?

Us on the cover of a Beets CD?

[sighs]

Patti, I'd love to come to the studio,
but I think I'd better stay here.

I promised my Dad.

Yeah, you, too. Bye.

You've got a chance to be
on a Beets CD cover?

We can always finish this later. Come on!

Wow, Dad, this is gonna be great.

You're right, son.

What an opportunity.
It'll be downright groovy.

Groovy?

[Phil] Wow,
a major label recording session.

I, uh, guess you'll be all right
to go in by yourself.

I'm sure you'll really enjoy it.

[sighs]

Hey, groovy cats, this is really far out!

Wha--ooh--aaah!

Oh, yeah, Dad. I'll tell you all about it.

[Doug] You know, journal,
I knew Dad really wanted to go in, so--

Hey, Dad, why don't you come in, too?

Far out!

Heh heh.

Wow. This place is incredible.

Doug, you made it! That's great.

Hey, Mr. Funnie.

-Hey, Patti.
-Hey, Patti.

Did they take the pictures yet?

Not yet.

There's an emergency situation going on.

Can you tell us what happened, Chap?

Oohhhh, shrimp treats!

Ohh, too many shrimp treats!

Don't you know he's allergic
to cocktail sauce?!

Oh, man.

So will they have to cancel the session?

-Bad break, man.
-Look, it's a simple track.

We could replace Chap
with a session drummer.

A session drummer in Bluffington?
Good luck.

Well, there must be somebody
in this town who plays drums.

[gasps]

Uh, could I have a word with you?

[groans]

What's wrong, Doug?

I can't watch. My Dad is going to make
a complete fool of himself.

I'm never gonna be able to show
my face in school again.

I'll have to change my name
and move to another planet. I--

♪ When you don't feel quite right ♪

♪ Maybe your pants too tight ♪

♪ Let me please suggest-ah ♪

♪ Lose the polyester! ♪

♪ You got prickly heat ♪

♪ Prickly heat ♪

♪ On your seat ♪

♪ On your seat ♪

[drum solo]

[all cheering]

Wow, Doug. I didn't know
your Dad could do that.

Neither did I. Wow.

Phil, you were in the Psychedelic Fuzz.

Man, that album had
a big influence on my music!

Well, that was a long time ago.

It only sold 10 copies,

-and I own 8 of them.
-I have the ninth copy.

Oh, yeah. And I got the tenth.

Hey, Flounder, what was that fab song?

Mr...

"Mr. Absolutely Nothing Man!"

Ha ha! How did that go?

♪ He's the absolutely nothing man ♪

♪ Always ends where he began ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing man ♪

Hey, Doug, come on!
He's gonna take our pictures!

In a minute, Patti.

[Doug] You know, even if I didn't know

my Dad was one of the great lost drummers
of the psychedelic rock era,

I'd still think he was cool...

in his own deep and strange way.

But, you know, I gotta admit

this makes him seem... even cooler.

Kinda makes me want to say,
"Hey, Dad, you're groovy."

[theme music playing]