07x04 - Quailman VII: Quaildad

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chattering]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

-[chuckling]
-Pfft.

[growling]

[screaming]

[yelping]

[whistling]

[indistinct talking]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[crowd cheering]

[commentator] The fans are going wild.

"Powerhouse" Patti
trails "Slippery" Skeeter

by one event.

It's anybody's game here today.

-[gasps]
-[grunts]

[commentator] Sayonara, Skeeter!

Valentine is down,

and that evens the score in this round

of Ultimate Spandex Gladiators!

So it all comes down

to the sudden-death, double-overtime,
no-holds-barred tiebreaker

Ultimate Tug of w*r!

[cheering]

[grunting]

[commentator] They're tugging, tugging.

looks like something's gonna give.

-looks like it's going to be...
-[strains]

[commentator] Doug!

Ahhh!

[footsteps]

[whistling]

That's me.

[grunting]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
it all started out innocently enough.

We were waiting for class to begin,
and talking about last Saturday night.

Guy Graham gave a party for the people
who work on the paper and their friends.

Man, does Guy know
how to put on a party, or what?

A night with weenies on toothpicks
is a night to remember.

-Yeah, it was great.
-Great? It was more than great.

It was really, really great.

Well, it wasn't that great.

But you just said--

The music, the decorations, the dancing.

Guy's parties are always so exciting
and noisy and fun.

Yeah, I guess, if you like fun.

You know, I was thinking
of having a party myself.

-Really, Doug? With dancing?
-Weenies?

Sure. It'll be the best party ever.

[Roger] Out of the way, losers!

-And he's... safe!
-[Doug] Huh?

[footsteps approach]

[gasps]

[Doug] It was just
our teacher Ms. Kristal.

[imitating pirate]
Ahoy there, me hearties.

'Tis i, Long John Silver,
and I've brought me first mate, Squawky.

[squawking] Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!

We'll be telling you the tale

of Treasure Island
by Robert Louis Stevenson.

'Tis a seafarin' yarn

full of adventure and pirate treasure.

Treasure! Treasure! [squawks]

Aye, there be treasure aplenty,

and it all starts with young Jim Hawkins,

a lad not much older than yourselves.

Gold will ever fan the flames of greed,

and dead men tell no tales!

[squawks] Tell no tales.

[normal voice] Oh, thank you, class.

And now Doug Funnie will present a report
on Robert Louis Stevenson.

Doug?

[Skeeter] Robert Louis Stevenson?
Who's he?

[boy] I like pirates.

[clears throat] "Robert Louis Stevenson
wrote Treasure Island in..."

His underwear. [squawks]

Squawky, shh. Don't interrupt.

[squawks]
Don't interrupt, don't interrupt.

I'm sorry, Doug.
I guess Squawky is a bit of a ham.

Skeeter, would you please
take him downstairs to the storage room?

Sure, Ms. Kristal.

[whistles] Come on, Squawky.

[whistles]

Let's see if we can get--

Is it okay if I help him, Ms. Kristal?

Oh, thank you, Patti.

Here you go, Skeeter.

Thanks, Patti.

Go on, Doug.

[clears throat] "Robert Louis Stevenson
wrote Treasure Island in--"

[Roger] [imitating Squawky, squawks]
What a loser!

[Roger snickering].

[all laughing]

[squawks, laughs]

-[Ms. Kristal] Roger!
-[humming]

Huh?

[electricity crackling]

Man, this place sure is creepy.

-[electricity crackling]
-[gasps]

[squawks]

Now be a good bird.

Ms. Kristal will come get you after class.

[squawks] Ms. Kristal, Ms. Kristal!

[thud]

[electricity crackling]

Hey, the door's locked.

[grunts] Oh, man, it is.

We're trapped.

Somebody let us out!

I don't think anyone is out there.

Great. Now what do we do?

[Squawky squawks]

Them that die be the lucky ones.

-[squawks]
-[electricity crackling]

"...and he d*ed in 1894 of Samoa."

[Roger] Samoa what?

-Roger.
-I mean, in Samoa. The end.

Thank you, Doug.

Very thorough.

I wonder why Skeeter and Patti
haven't come back.

I'll be glad to ditch this--

Uh, I mean, I'll go
check on them, Ms. Kristal.

♪ Fifteen men on a dead man's chest ♪

♪ Yo-ho-ho and a bottle ♪
[squawks]

[sighs] How long do you think
we've been in here?

Too long. Class should be over by now.

-[electricity crackling]
-[gasps]

[screaming]

[sobbing]

Patti. Honk, honk. What's wrong?
Why did you scream?

[stammering] Scream? What scream?

That's okay, Patti.
Lots of people are afraid of the dark.

Oh, Skeeter, I'm so embarrassed.

I know it's silly,
but when I'm in the dark,

I just... panic.

You must think I'm such a baby.

Huh. Are you kidding?

It's kind of nice to know
that even "practically perfect Patti"

has stuff she's embarrassed about,

just like the rest of us.

You mean, you have things
you're embarrassed about?

Who, me? Well, uh, yeah, sure.

I still sleep...

in my Cowpoke Pete pajamas.

Cowpoke Pete, that kiddie show?

[laughs] Oh, sorry.

I remember those pajamas.

They had fuzzy chaps
and those little footies.

Actually, they're more like hooves.

Pretty goofy, huh?

No more goofy than being
scared of the dark,

but still, let's keep this
our secret, Skeeter.

Our secret, Patti.

Hey, losers.

What are you doing down here,
cutting class?

The door slammed shut on us.

Yeah. Thanks for letting us out, man.

Bye-bye, birdie.

-[squawks] Our secret, our secret.
-Huh?

[squawks] Our secret.

[chuckles]

So since I've never given a real party,

I thought I could have one
this Friday night.

But, son, didn't you just have a party?

No. That was, like, a year ago.

Besides, that was just
a grammar school party

with a bunch of little kids.

And who, pray tell,
do you intend to invite

to this soiree of sophistication?

All my friends--

Skeeter, Patti, Chalky, Beebe.

[babbling]

Aren't those the same little kids
you had at last year's party?

Well, yeah, but now
they're practically teenagers.

I think it's a fine idea myself.

Great. Thanks, mom.

Well, maybe you're willing
to let our home be overrun

by hordes of prepubescent philistines,
but don't expect me to be here.

Gee, thanks, Judy.

Huh? Dirtbike...

[indistinct chattering]

Yeah. I'm going to pick up
the invitations after school today.

So this must be what it's like
to have a social life.

Hey, Mayonnaise, get a good night's sleep,

or was it too dark?

Oh, Skeeter, you told.

How about you, Valentine?

You sleep okay
in your Cowpoke Pete jammies?

Patti, you told.

[snickering]

Uh, is there something
I should know about?

I trusted Skeeter with a secret,
but he's a big blabbermouth.

Am not! She's the one who blabbed.

-Did not!
-Did, too!

-Did not!
-Did, too!

-Tattler!
-Big mouth!

Hey, this is crazy.
You guys have been friends forever.

You know you wouldn't have blabbed.

Then how did Roger find out?

Skeeter is the only one I ever told
that I'm afraid of the... [gasps]

Oh, never mind.

And you're the only one who knew
about my Cowpoke Pete pajamas!

The ones with the little footies?

Hooves, not footies. Hooves.

Oh, that Patti Mayonnaise.

[Patti] I'm open! I'm open!

Look over my hand, Barbara.

Yeah, over here! Hey, I'm open!

I'm open, over here!

-[grunts] Whoa!
-[thud]

-Yeah!
-All right! Nothing but net!

Sally, they're b*ating us. Do something.

Huh?

[Patti screaming]

Patti, what are you doing?
Are you all right?

[Roger] Oh... [chuckles] ...sorry, Patti.

My finger must have slipped.

Oh, Patti, afraid of the dark?

Good one, Roger. [laughs]

[laughs] Look at her.

What a baby. [continues laughing]

It's okay, Patti.

This is all Skeeter's fault.

Wait till I get my hands on him.

Want to go with me
to pick up the invitations?

Sure, man. Let's go.

Which store?
House of Cards or Cards by the Yard?

[Roger] Hey, Valentine!

[playing cowboy music]

♪ Cowpoke Pete, Cowpoke Pete ♪

♪ Pokiest hombre you ever did meet ♪

♪ So saddle up with all your pals ♪

♪ At Cowpoke's Kiddie Corral ♪

-[all laughing]
-Hey, cut it out, Roger.

[in Texan accent]
Well, looky here, boys and girls.

If it ain't Cowpoke Skeet.

It's your lucky day, buckaroo.

[Skeeter gasps and laughs nervously]

[continues in Texan accent] We brung ya
a new pair of your favorite P.J's.

[indistinct mumbling]

Oh, man.

[laughing]

Oh, never mind them, Skeeter.

Sometimes I don't like Roger
very much at all!

Honk.

[Patti] Skeeter Valentine!

Thanks to you and your big mouth,

I can't show my face
around this school anymore.

Oh, yeah? Well, I just got ambushed
by Roger and his g*ng

because you can't keep your lips zipped.

Wait, guys. Don't fight.

Can't you just talk this out?

Talk? Ha!

I'm not talking to Skeeter Valentine
as long as I live.

Oh, yeah? Well, that goes double for me.

Oh, come on.

You gotta talk to each other.
You're my two best friends.

No friend of Skeeter's
can be a friend of mine.

But what about my party?

If he's going to your party,
then you can count me out.

And I won't go if she's there.

You can't be her friend
and my friend, too.

But-- But-- Oh, man.

[Doug] I just had to patch things up
between Skeeter and Patti,

so I asked Skeeter to meet me at Swirly's
to try and convince him.

But I didn't expect to run into...

-Patti!
-Hey, Doug.

Uh...

What are you doing here?

I'm getting something to eat.
Hey, you want to join me?

Um, uh, sure.

Let's sit over here, right here.

[Doug] I couldn't tell Patti
I was meeting Skeeter,

and I couldn't let Skeeter
see me with Patti,

or they'd both end up not talking to me.

I feel like a Super Swirly Deluxe.

I'll get it.
Extra pickles and no onions, right?

Right, and a Strawberry Frothy Goat.

Okay. Be right back.

Hey, Skeet.

Hey, Doug. Honk, honk. I'm famished, man.

I'll go. You stay. The usual?

Swirly Beetburger,
extra onions, no tomatoes,

Tater Twisties,
and a Chocolate Frothy Goat?

Cool.

One Super Swirly Deluxe
and Tater Twisties,

extra pickles, no onions,
a Strawberry Frothy Goat,

one Swirly Beetburger,
extra onions, no tomatoes,

Tater Twisties,
and a Chocolate Frothy Goat.

One number three.

Uh, and the same for me. [gasps]

[Doug panting]

There you are. What's the matter, Doug?

You seem out of breath.

Oh, I... [panting]

I always pant when I'm hungry.

The food is coming right up.

You know, I'm upset about you and Skeeter.

Skeeter? I don't want to talk
about that little snitch.

Uh, hold that thought.

-Huh?
-I'll be right back.

[panting]

Hey. [continues panting]

Hey, man, why are you out of breath?

I'm always hungry when I pant.

[stammers] I mean, I'm always--

-[man] Doug Funnie, order is up!
-I got it.

[Doug] Having lunch with Skeeter and Patti
at the same time

was turning out to be
harder than I thought.

[panting] Oops, forgot napkins. Be back.

[panting] You know, Skeet,

I really wish you'd give Patti
a second chance.

Hey, this is strawberry.

-Whoops.
-Huh?

Be back.

Huh?

[panting] Wrong... Goat.

You ordered... [panting] strawberry.

That's okay.

-I'll just return this one.
-[Patti] But--

Here. [panting]

Where were we? [panting]

Oh, yeah. Patti.

I don't want to talk about Patti.

Uh, better eat, man.
Your food will get cold.

Ketchup. [panting]

[panting] Need... ketchup.

Patti... [panting]

What do you want?

I... get. [groans]

I have to go to the bathroom.

[panting] Go... later.

[continues panting] I... need... talk...

Skeeter.

I said I don't want to talk about Skeeter.

[gasping] I have to go.

Doug Funnie, don't you dare
leave this table again.

You haven't even touched your food.

Uh...

Oops.

[panting] Dropped... nickel.

Pardon me. Sorry. Excuse me.

-[woman screams]
-Coming through, coming through. Ooh.

[panting] Skeeter... wait.

[continues panting]

Where did you come from?

[panting] Sit.

I, uh, was taking this Frothy Goat back.

It's half-empty.

[panting] Never... mind.

[panting] Talk... Patti.

[Patti] Doug!

-What are you doing?
-Patti!

Skeeter!

-[both] Doug!
-[laughs nervously]

[both] I'm not speaking to you.

Oh, perfect.

Thing is, Porkchop,
I believe Patti, and I believe Skeeter.

They wouldn't tell each other's secrets.

But then how did Roger find out?

-[whimpering]
-And my party--

What's it going to be like
without Patti and Skeeter?

Even if they do come,
they won't speak to each other.

This party is going to be
the biggest disaster...

[voice echoing] ...ever, ever, ever.

[narrator] You've seen disaster movies

with big sinking boats,

volcanoes...

[screaming]

-[thunder crackling]
-[narrator] ...twisters.

But nothing has prepared you
for the ultimate disaster...

-[narrator] Doug's party.
-[woman screaming]

[narrator] R.S.V.P. If you dare.

"Once upon a midnight dreary,

while I pondered weak and weary..."

Oh, come on, Skeet.

You're coming to the party
tonight, aren't you?

Not if Patti's coming.

No way. Not if Skeeter's coming.

[groans]

[Ms. Kristal]
"...Rapping at my chamber door,

-Huh?
-[both scoff]

"...and take thy form off my door.

Quoth the raven..."

-Shut the door.
-[all laughing]

Squawky, "Quoth the raven..."

On the floor. [squawks]

I'm afraid Squawky's not cooperating.

Doug, would you...

Take Squawky down to the storage room?
Yes, Ms. Kristal.

His cage is already down there.

Thank you, Doug.

[Squawky] What a bore. Hear me snore.
Two by four. [squawks]

[squawks] Apple core.

[squawks]

Sorry, Squawky, you blew it.

[squawks] Our secret, Skeeter.

What did you say?

Our secret, Patti. [squawks]

The storage room?

Trust me, it's really, really important,
and it'll just take a minute.

Well, if it's that important to you...

Hey, Skeet.

Oh, there you are, man.
What's so important that--

What's she doing here?

What's he doing here?

I need to talk to you two together.

Don't shut that... door!

Great, now we're locked in.

Now we're going to talk this all out.

No way!

Double no way! [scoffs]

Come on, you two, think about it.

No way!

Double no way!

Now come on, you guys.

You've got to have
a little faith in each other.

[Doug] I mean, you two
have been friends forever.

Don't you know by now

what happens when friends stop
trusting each other?

Patti, remember when we thought
Skeeter was a vampire

just 'cause somebody
started a silly rumor?

-[Patti] Yeah.
-[Doug] And, Skeet,

remember when we thought Patti would
turn into someone completely different

when she almost joined
the Junior Daughters

of the Founding Mothers and Fathers?

-Sure.
-Well, Skeeter wasn't a vampire,

and Patti didn't change.

We should never have thought those things.

We should have trusted each other.

There's no way you can be friends
without trusting each other.

Come on, Skeeter, who is so honest
the other kids tease her about it?

-Well, Patti.
-And, Patti, who's the nicest kid in town?

So loyal he's true blue?

Um, Skeeter.

You guys have been friends long enough
to know that's the truth.

Doug's right. I'm sorry, Patti.

I should have known
you wouldn't tell my secret.

I'm sorry, Skeeter.

I should have known better, too.

But wait a minute.

If Patti didn't blab, and I didn't blab,
Who did?

Check this out.

[squawks] Abandon ship.

Abandon ship. [squawks]

Squawky.

Our secret, Patti.
Our secret, Skeeter. [squawks]

You mean that bird repeated
everything we said?

Yep. He told me everything.

He must have told Roger, too.

That's no parrot. That's a stool pigeon.

Come on, let's get out of here.

But the door's locked.

Nope. You guys just thought it was.

I pressed that little button
so it wouldn't lock.

Oops, wrong button.

[both] Oh, man.

[laughs nervously] Sorry.

This is what got us in trouble
in the first place.

How long before somebody
finds us this time?

[squawks] Nevermore.

[dance music playing]

[Doug] Well, all's well that ends well.

The party turned out great.

We all learned something
about trusting our friends.

I guess as long as Skeeter and Patti
are friends again,

I don't mind being in the middle.

-[Doug laughing]
-[Patti] Yeah!

[laughing and talking]

[theme music playing]