07x12 - Quailman Vs. the Annoying S.T.U.A.R.T.

Episode transcripts for the TV series, "Doug". Aired: August 11, 1991 – June 26, 1999.*
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Revolves around "Doug" Funnie, an 11-year-old boy who wants to be another face in the crowd, but by possessing a vivid imagination and a strong sense of right and wrong, he is more likely to stand out.
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07x12 - Quailman Vs. the Annoying S.T.U.A.R.T.

Post by bunniefuu »

You're going to annoy us to death?

How can anyone be annoyed to death?



[man] Hello. I'm looking
for a Mr. Pale man.

Quailman! That's Quailman!

Mr Pale Man. My name is Dave,

and I'm calling from S.T.U.A.R.T.
How are you this evening?

Uh-huh. We'd like to let you in
on an exciting offer.

I'm sorry. I'm rather busy right now.

This offer is for our special
preferred customers only.

We'll send you four free issues
of the magazine of your choice.

And if you subscribe today,
you'll get a free pony.

Go away!


Don't answer.

Hey, you're not the boss of me.



Hello, I'm looking for mr. Sliver Skinner.

How are you this evening?

I'd like to offer you a trial membership
in the oven mitt- of-the-month club.

This offer comes with a free pony.


-[both] Don't pick up!

My name is Cindy,
and I'm calling from S.T.U.A.R.T.

with an exciting offer.

Aah! Aah!

[telephones ringing]

I'd love to stay and watch,

but being the diabolically evil,
bad guy that I am,

it's time that I leave you alone

to give you a chance
to thwart my wicked scheme.

Don't ask. It doesn't make
any sense to me, either.

Aah! Aah!

-Make it stop!
-No more! No more!

It figures we'd end up like this,

just like that mess you got us into

with Dr. Despicable, the mad periodontist.

I got us into?

You were the one who just
wanted his gums checked.

next thing I knew, you were in a jar,

And I was about to be a sandwich spread.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

But I was the one who finally got us free.

just like that time with Lothar,

the water-skier of doom.

If it weren't for
my totally cool water-skiing,

he might have drowned
the whole planet in his wake.

You may have done the skiing,
but I did the snipping.


We used to be a pretty
good team, didn't we?

Well, yeah, I guess so,

before we got annoyed
and ruthlessly tormented.

Well, what if we pretended to get along

just long enough to get out of this place?

Might work. Got any ideas?

If there were just some way

we could use S.T.U.A.R.T.'s
own annoyances against them.

Hey, wait a minute.

If only I could make out
the numbers on that phone.

It's too far away from me to see it.

No problem, man.

How about I morph into
a super magnifying mirror?

Hurry, man. I can only hold this a second.

Excuse me, miss telemarketer?

This is Quailman.

[Cindy] Hello? You still there?

I'm never going to get out of here.

Has anyone seen my wallet?

One guess what annoys me right up a tree.

Yes, I'd like to accept
your long-distance plan,

and I'd also like to recommend

several friends for you to call.

Try 555-0155, extension 55.

Just what I need--

A superhero who's good at math.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm not really sure.

And while you're at it,

try extension 56 and 57,


Sorry. I think you must have
the wrong number.

Well, because you're talking to me,

and I never talk on the phone.

Huh? Now, why ever would I want
a lifetime supply of C-chips?

I-I think you're starting to break up.

[makes static sound]

Listen, Brief Boy, you should know
that destroying my life's work

is extremely high on my list
of stuff that gets me steamed,

and you are getting pretty close

to doing just that.

Are we happy now? Hmm? Are we?

[telephone lines ringing]


No! What is this?

Go away!

Stop calling me!
I'm right in the next cubicle!

[man] Oh, no,
the circuits are overloading!

The place is going to blow!

Huh? Oh, I just hate it

when I accidentally release
the superheroes.

The jig is up, Number 18.73a.

Jig up? I wouldn't know. I don't dance.

But I have been known to flip my wig

from time to time.

Ha ha ha ha!

We can't let them get away!


You haven't seen the last of S.T.U.A.R.T.

as long as there are warranties
that run out

the day before the washer breaks,
I'll be there.

As long as there are twist-off caps
that don't twist off, I'll be there.

As long as there are any little things

to undermine, annoy,
and ruthlessly torment people,

I'll be there.

What an annoying man.

No, that's not it at all.

The reason Quailman and I
make such a great team

is that we don't let little problems
get in the way of our teamwork.

Don't be ridiculous.

You two argue more than
any two people I know.

Sure, we get annoyed
at each other. Who doesn't?

But the important thing is
not to let stuff like that

break up your friendship.

When you're friends,

you've got to treat
each other with respect,

Even when you're annoyed with each other.

Quailman, that is one of the most
beautiful things I've ever heard.

Number 26. Millet cakes for Quillman.

That's Quailman, the guy
who always saves the day,

who shows evildoers a better way.

The five-time Soupy-Award winner?

This is so annoying!

[theme music playing]
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