01x13 - The Incident

[bunniefuu]

[MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR]

DJ: Hey, Slime. Guess what?

I say "Slime" now.

Also, I got two tickets
to see Shania next month.

Aw, that's sweet, man!
I mean, I gotta book it off,

- but that shouldn't be a problem.
- I'm gonna ask her to go with me.

That makes sense. I was... busy, anyway.

You think it's too
soon after the breakup?

You think it's uncouth?

No, it's totally couth.

Hey, you guys got better chemistry

than Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie.

Whoa, that's like the highest compliment

you can pay a partnership.

I know!

Go get her, tiger.

Gwen!

Want some? It's a new recipe.

[BRITTLE CRUNCHES]

What do you think? Good? Terrible?

- This is incredible.
- Thank you.

There's, um, something
I wanna talk to you about.

There's something I wanna
talk to you about, too.

- You go first.
- No, you go first.

- No, you go first.
- No, you go first.

- Fine, I'll go first.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

DJ: Oh, no...

Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God!

WAYNE: I mean,
it's distinctly the best...

- JEN: Not surprising, though.
- DJ: What's your 911? Is someone hurt?

- JEN: 911...?
- Oh, sorry!

I always get them confused.

What's the number for information?

- DJ: What?!
- 411.

KEERAN: Oh! So, yeah,
we've got some hot new 411 for you!

CYNTHIA: OMT was named the
number one sporting goods store

- by the Korverton Crier!
- DJ: What?

They say we're the best
because our employees

are "genuine athletes"...
talking about me...

"who know their stuff."

DJ: This is fantastic news!

This is false news!

[MEXICAN STANDOFF MUSIC]

Carlito...

[GROWLS]

Whose palms did you grease to gain

this dubious distinction,
señor cucaracha?

No one's. We earned it on merit.

[SPITS LOUDLY]

Sports Dynasty has just as
many genuine athletes on staff.

- Pfft!
- Even more.

- Pfft!
- It's not a competition.

To prove it, I challenge you
to a sporting competition!

I will b*at you
at your own game, cabrón...

El hockey!

Hockey?

Oh... no.

- Why not?
- Such short notice.

We'll never be able to book ice time.

I already booked it.

Tomorrow, 6 pm.

So be there.

Unless you're a scared little ninfa!

That's a baby cucaracha.

- You're on!
- Well, wait a minute.

KEERAN: DJ played pro hockey!

He's gonna mop the floor with you!

WAYNE: I mean, technically,
he failed to make the NHL,

- but yes, he will b*at you.
- Thanks for the clarification, Wayne,

but, uh,
let's not dignify this with a response.

Sorry, DJ, I know what a pain
in the hassle it is to book ice,

so we have to do this.

Prepare to meet your maker.

CHRIS: Cool, cool.

But... but, like, no contact, right?

Extra! Contact!

KEERAN: Beautiful hair... Mmm...

WAYNE: What's her name?

KEERAN: Uh... I-I call her Skunk Girl.

This stick is an avatar for her.

No further questions.

I went to Korverton's Funland yesterday,

and she sat behind me
on the tailbone crusher.

Just get to the part of the story

- where she presses charges or whatever.
- This is her.

Look at that beautiful shock
of white in those ebony locks.

[ROLLER COASTER RIDERS SCREAMING]

I paid $24.99 to keep her
in my wallet forever.

$24.99 you paid?

Plus tax. I need to find her!

I've been on every platform.

I've searched #sexyskunk,
#skunkbaby, #femalepepelepew...

Have you tried #braindoctorsnearme?

She's too young to be
a brain doctor, Wayne.

Yet another insult parried
by your dimwittedness.

I almost envy it.

Brain... doctors...

near... me.

Oh, I'm afraid
this area is employees only.

The hatchling opens
her eyes to her new world.

Out of the egg,
into the world she flies.

How'd you find me, Snowy Owl?

Relax, Blue Bird.

I'm not here to dredge up the past.

Call me Camille.

I, too, am now a boring,
law-abiding citizen.

I am not boring!

[TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION]

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, church potluck? Yes!

I'm here because I own
a dispensary called

I Like Big Buds.

And I cannot lie, we're franchising!

I want you to manage our new store.

A dispensary...?

Of marijuana?

There's lots of room for growth
and it's all above board.

No more jumping from planes
in the Sonoran desert

with half a kilo of diesel
haze shoved up your tush.

I could never leave OMT.

And it was 1.3 kilos.

You're the best damn
product-mover I've ever seen.

This place doesn't value
what you have to offer.

I... I wouldn't say that.

- _
- Argh!

Wayne!

I can give you your own
office with a window.

I have a window.

[KEERAN MOANING]

CYNTHIA: Oh, for the love of Keeran...

To outside.

Also, 10k more
than what you're making here.

[SOFTLY] Oh?

Let me know when you're
ready to work somewhere

that really appreciates you.

[SIGHS]

[LOUD GRINDING]

[HOCKEY ORGAN MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

PLAYER: [VOICE] What are you doing?!

- What are you...
- CYNTHIA: Doing? DJ?

- [GRINDING STOPS]
- Hey, Cynth.

[MACHINE TURNS OFF]

Are... you okay?

Never better.

Uh... hey, I was thinking,
we should cancel the game.

There's so much to do here.

Deep clean the rugs, payroll,
shareholder reports.

Nah, I've taken care of everything.

Well, except the shareholder reports;

we're not a public company.

Don't you think it's time?

Are you...
afraid to play against Carlito?

Of course not. I live for this!

Great!

'Cause I ordered custom
jerseys for the game.

- [TAPS THE MACHINE]
- Okay!

A simple "thank you" would suffice.

Ah! Saw your text.

Got here fast as I could. What's up?

I want you to smash in my knee.

Alright, right or left?

- Aren't you gonna ask why?
- Uh, sure. Why?

Carlito challenged OMT to a hockey game.

Oh, man.

You haven't stepped foot on
the ice since... the incident.

- What's it been, like, five years?
- Six.

My phone just reminded me.
Stirring montage.

I've been trying to back out of the game

but the g*ng's all fired up.

Don't worry, bro. I got ya.

- Which one? Right?
- Right, right.

- Alright.
- Right, let's do it.

[TAKES A DEEP BREATH]

[DOOR OPENS]

- [GOLF CLUB WHOOSHES]
- Hey, Gwen!

- [GOLF CLUB CLANKS INTO DUMPSTER]
- Hey, Deej.

Heard about the big game.

Can't wait to watch
you kick Carlito's ass.

Ha, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do!

And, uh, I still wanna talk later,

but maybe... after the game?

Yeah, sure. Sounds good.

We're pretty slammed, Josh.

- Wanna come work?
- Yes.

Right behind ya.

So, should we grab another club?

Changed my mind.

Can't run away from my demons forever.

I'm gonna play.

Sure you're ready?

- I think I am.
- I know you am.

You were actually
gonna smash in my knee, huh?

Smash you anytime, anywhere, bro.

You really are my best friend.

- Till the day we die.
- Together.

- In a m*rder-su1c1de.
- When it feels right.

Mm-hm!

Thanks, bro.

VIRGINIA: Knock, knock!

CYNTHIA: Oh? Oh, Virginia!

I got everyone a little surprise!

Hey, Keeran, nice jockstrap!

Thanks. Uh, it's a medium.

Manage those expectations. Smart.

Go read your Bible, Virginia!

Hey, I didn't ask for that.

Oh, yeah,
they called to confirm the order,

so I thought I'd give myself the C.

- Oh.
- And you got the A.

- Oh!
- Yeah!

And an A for you, Chris,
Jen, Keeran, Wayne.

You all got A's.

So what does the A stand for?

Assistant captain.

Uh, actually,
it stands for alternate captain.

It actually stands for appreciation,

'cause I appreciate you all equally.

JEN: We appreciate you, Deej!

Respect.

KEERAN: Thanks for the jerseys, boss.

CHRIS: Yeah, thanks, DJ.
You're the best ever.

WAYNE: We'd be completely
jerseyless without you.

CHRIS: Better than anyone else.

JEN:
Who wants to help me with my jersey?

Yeah, it's just stuck at
the back here a little bit.

[TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION]_

DJ: Stop wiggling.
You're moving too much.

JEN: That's my hair, that's my hair.

Alright, team. It's go time.

Now, remember,
it's not about winning or losing,

it's about having fun.

Yeah, and nothing is
more fun than winning!

- Ooh!
- That's a fact.

Drum circles are fun, too.

That's also a fact.
You know what else is a fact?

We're the best damn
sports store in town.

Now let's show them why!

- Woo!
- Bring it in.

ALL: Three... two... One More...

[INTENSE MUSIC BLARING]

CARLITO: Go!

♪ It's my game! ♪

Oh, no...

My roller coaster-riding,
skunk-haired dream girl!

[HEARTBEAT SOUND]

I don't wanna make myself
a fool in front of her.

DJ: It's fine.

We'll make you look good
out there, buddy.

CARLITO: Well, well, well!

We meet again, Connor McDeafy.

What's up with the Hanson brothers?

- Mmmbop?
- Slap sh*t.

It's supposed to be employees only.

They are employees.

We went on a hiring spree this morning.

You hired them 'cause they're
built like brick shithouses.

No! I hired them

'cause they demonstrated
stellar interpersonal skills.

[PLAYER GRUNTS]

CARLITO: And product-testing abilities!

- You're goin' down.
- On you.

What...?

NAT: Let's go, piss jug!

Let's go, piss jug!

[HOCKEY ORGAN MUSIC]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

NAT: Woo! Let's go! Woo!

JEN: DJ? Deej?

Let's go. The ref blew the whistle.

He did?

[INDISTINCT VOICES AND
HOCKEY ORGAN MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

PLAYER: [VOICE] What are you doing?!

I forgot my, uh...

water bottle.

We have a bunch on the bench! But...

Seriously? Now?

[SIGHS]

Jen, you take the face-off.
Chris, you're right wing.

Keeran?

[DREAMLIKE THUDDING SOUND]

CYNTHIA: Keeran!

- Huh?
- Take left wing!

KEERAN: Oh, yeah. Got it!

CYNTHIA: I'll handle the D.

Let's go!

[CROWD CHEERING]

JEN: Ugh, damn it!

Hey.

Shouldn't you be on the ice?

Augh...

Oh, I, uh... tore my ACL.

It might even be my MCL.
I just pray my LCL is intact.

Yet you're not screaming in agony.

Too tough for my own good?

I don't think that's it.

Gwen, my hockey career didn't
just die from natural causes.

I don't like to talk about it.

You don't have to.

It was game 7 against the
Broggsville Brigadiers.

The game was tied 2-2, 17 seconds left.

I got sprung on a breakaway.

Everything was riding on me...

and I blew it.

What happened?

I had been missing whistles
more and more often

as I lost my hearing in
the high frequencies.

So there I was;

I'm on this breakaway
to win the championship.

I look over my shoulder
and no one's chasing me.

Not a soul in sight.

I think, "oh, the ref
must have blown the whistle,"

so I dumped the puck in the corner.

[CROWD BOOING]

PLAYER: [VOICE] What are you doing?!

DJ, what are you doing?

But the ref hadn't blown the whistle.

Broggsville had just made a very,
very bad line change.

That sounds humiliating.

It gets worse.

Broggsville comes in,
they pick up the puck,

they go end-to-end...

they score with 1.4 seconds left...

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

and win the game.

I let my team down, like a loser.

Like a stupid, deaf loser.

Tsk...

I never played hockey again.

MAN: Is that how you remember it?

Who are you?

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

- [BUZZER SOUNDS]
- CARLITO: Aw, yeah!

WAYNE: I've got polarized contacts.

I didn't see anything but,
uh, reflections.

- Ow! Oh! Alright!
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

WAYNE: Ow, where is it?

Guys, a little help? Alright.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Yeah. Gah! Okay! That's okay...

CARLITO: The Crier said you were
the number one store in town,

but all I see is steamin'
hot number twos, baby!

- Uh, where... I... come on!
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

[WAYNE GROANING]

CARLITO: Eat you up for lunch!

Alright, just spitballing here,

but does anyone wanna try
taking the puck from 'em?

- JEN: This is horse sh*t.
- CHRIS: They're too good.

CYNTHIA: Enough with the excuses!

When they're bigger,
use sharper weapons.

CHRIS: That sounds dangerous.

And illegal.

It's me, Mark Morkley.

Your old linemate.

Morkster? [LAUGHS]

- Yeah.
- Oh my God!

Diane Sawyer!

[GWEN LAUGHS]

Listen...

Your mind is all twisted up
about that day.

Sure, you may have dumped the puck

and cost us the championship, but...

that's not how you let us down.

- [HOCKEY ORGAN MUSIC]
- [CROWD SHOUTING]

What are you doing?!
What are you doing?!

Get back here, DJ!

[SCREAMS]

You were the glue who held
our team together, man.

My captain, my MVP.

And when you abandoned us,
we abandoned ourselves.

Is that why you gave up and
started working at the arena?

Oh. [LAUGHS]

No, I can see why you think that,

- but I don't work here, man.
- Oh.

I'm just here to renew a contract.

I got into ice resurfacing machines,

so I'm a multi-millionaire.

Wow, that's awesome!

That makes me really happy,
that you landed on your feet,

'cause I hated that my
deafness held us back.

No, listen to me...

No, no, no, no.

We all have our crosses to bear, okay?

I got four penalties, right?

Sasso hit the post four times.

And Hilliker, he was high as
a goddamned kite out there.

So, you mean...

I didn't cost us the game?

Shh, shh, shh...

We cost us the game.

You're costing your team
the game right now.

Oh, sh*t.

I abandoned them again.

I gotta go!

- [WAYNE GROANING]
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

WAYNE: Ugh!

KEERAN: This is so embarrassing.

CYNTHIA: We are still in it!

WAYNE: No, we're not.

It's not over until it is over!

JEN: Are you kidding me?
It's definitely over.

CHRIS: I want to die.

CYNTHIA: This is still anyone's game.

Look... DJ's back!

DJ: Found my water bottle.

And I'm never leaving you again.

["YOU'RE STILL THE ONE"
BY SHANIA TWAIN PLAYING]

Ever.

♪ Looks like we made it ♪

♪ Look how far we've come, my baby ♪

♪ We might have took the long way ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

♪ We knew we'd get there someday ♪

♪ They said,
"I bet they'll never make it" ♪

♪ But just look at us holding on ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

CARLITO:
You better not lose this for me!

♪ We're still together,
still goin' strong ♪

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

CARLITO: Get outta my crease!

♪ You're still the one I run to ♪

CARLITO: What kind of a ringer are you?

♪ The one that I belong to ♪

CHRIS: Deej, Deej!

♪ You're still the
one I want for life ♪

CARLITO: You're all a bunch of potatoes!

♪ You're still the one that I... ♪

Time out! Time!

You're fired! You're all fired!

JEN: Oh my God, DJ, you're incredible!

KEERAN: Yeah, we needed you.

It pains me to admit,
but we were rudderless without you.

I don't know,
some of us stepped up in your absence.

Appreciate it, team.

But it ain't over till it's over.

- Oh, that's wise.
- So true.

[ALL AGREEING]

I literally just said
that exact same thing.

JEN: One more goal for the win.
Let's go!

- DJ: It's still anyone's game.
- JEN: Yeah!

- CHRIS: Another great point.
- DJ: Let's win this thing!

Let's use sharper weapons
because they're bigger.

You know how I say that all the time?

[TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATIONS]_

[INDISTINCT VOICES ON RINK]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[NAT AND GWEN CHEERING]

[HEROIC MUSIC]

♪

- _
- KEERAN: DJ, over here!

- No, no, no!
- DJ, pass!

DJ, I'm open!

DJ: It's Keeran time!

Ahh, damn.

[CROWD GROANS]

NAT: No!

[SIGHS]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

You played great, buddy.

I had one chance to impress
the girl of my dreams

- and I blew it.
- Don't let this define you.

Why do we fall, Keeran?

So we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Batman Begins.

Did Batman end up with
the girl of his dreams?

Oh, no, she blew up in an expl*si*n.

You're right.

I should talk to her before
she blows up in an expl*si*n.

Hey, great game. Impressive.

Wait a second, aren't you the guy

- that puked on me on that ride?
- Oh, you remember me.

Yeah, there's no coming back
from that, dude.

Also, you suck at hockey.

[LAUGHS] Totally.

Wanna laugh about it over
an ice cream sandwich?

No.

Caught the game.

Wanna swap spit?

More than anything!

[OMINOUS BELL TOLL AND DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

[JEN CLEARS THROAT]

Good game, Carlito.

Who's the number one sporting
goods store now, ese?

Yeah, I don't really
hear whispering very well

so I didn't catch that.

But I picked up
on the threatening tone, though.

Oh, I apologize.

I said...

[LOUDLY] Who's the number one
sporting goods store now, ese?

Ah. Thanks for speaking up.

Still us, though.

No hockey game can change the fact

that I have the best
damn team in the world.

Damn.

That's cheesy as hell, bro.

g*ons! [SNAPS FINGERS] Vamos!

I am one with the Gods!

g*ons: Car-li-to!

CYNTHIA: Attention, staff.
I have some news.

DJ: Attention, staff. I have some news.

Cynthia, this is for you.

Great, my jersey. Thank you.

What...?

Wait, what is that?

That's a captain's C.

Cynthia, when I came back from
my two-period spiritual journey,

the score of that game should
have been 30 to nothing,

not 9-1.

How did we score the one goal,
by the way?

Oh, I scored, of course,
after Carlito left the net

to try and slash Chris's achilles.

I had to lock myself in the penalty box.

- [LAUGHS]
- DJ: Nice.

Well, Wayne told me that in my absence,
you stepped up.

I never said that. Can't prove it.

You didn't quit on OMT.

You're my co-captain on the ice

and you're my co-captain in the store.

Which is why I'd officially
like to make you...

co-manager.

I don't think the others
would go for that.

- CHRIS: Hell, yeah!
- JEN: Yeah, of course we would.

- Why wouldn't we?
- WAYNE: I'm indifferent.

- Come on. What do ya say?
- Uh...

I say...

Yes!

[ALL EXCLAIMING HAPPILY]

Didn't you also have some news to share?

Oh, right. Um...

I increased our line of credit, so...

tonight's bill is covered.

- ALL: Yeah!
- WAYNE: Okay, okay...

NAT: That's what I'm talking about!

I didn't even know
we had a line of credit.

Classic Cynthia right there!

- Thanks, new boss.
- Ahh.

Classic DJ.

[MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

_

- DJ: Another round, please, barkeep.
- _

And hey, weren't we supposed
to talk about something

after the game?

GWEN: Right...

I, uh, wanted to tell you...

I'm gonna do it.

Amazing. Do what?

Open Brittle House on the Prairie!

That's incredible!

Next week,
I'm going to Brussels to study

under the best
brittle-maker in the world.

Wow.

How... how long are you going for?

Six months. Maybe longer.

You inspired me.

Well, uh,
what did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, nothin'.

I, um...

I should get back to work.

[MUSIC, CHATTER,
AND SOUND OF BILLIARDS IN BACKGROUND]

Yeah, that's a Gwen tear, alright.

You wanna see Shania with me?

More than anything.

CHRIS: Let's do this.

WAYNE: Get him, get him, get him!

JEN: Move him back, move him back!

WAYNE: Pull him back, pull him back!

- [ALL STRAIN WITH EFFORT]
- Yay!

ALL: [CHANTING] M-V-P! M-V-P!

M-V-P! M-V-P!

DJ: [QUIETLY] This is great...

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

DJ: [CRYING]
No one's ever hoisted me before.

♪ One more time...
One more time... ♪

DJ: What a gesture!

[CRYING]

♪ One more time! ♪

♪ Tell me one more time,
as you turn and face the wall ♪

♪ Tell me I should know you
never were my kind of woman ♪

♪ And tell me we
were fools to fall ♪

♪ Baby, baby, tell me that
you never wanted my lovin' ♪

♪ Baby, baby,
tell me that you never ♪

♪ Tell me, tell me one more time ♪

DJ: [EMOTIONALLY] I love you guys!

♪ One more time! ♪