07x13 - Quailman vs. the Whackhammer

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear Journal,

things were certainly looking up.

I had a chance to raise my history grade
by doing a special report

on Bluffington and its founders.

Naturally I signed up
because if I get at least a "B,"

Mom and Dad will treat me and a pal

to a night at Funky Town.

-I wonder who--
-[Patti] Hey, Doug!

Hey, guys.

-Hey, Doug.
-Hey, Doug.

-What's up?
-I was just telling everyone

that Miss Crystal is asking for
student volunteers

to spend time with older people.

But I already spend a lot of time
with my parents.

Oh, no, man. She means the old folks
living at the retirement home,

Maturing Meadows.

Miss Crystal wants to match students up

with people who live there.

She thinks it would make them happy
to have kids around.

And we can learn stuff from them, too.

Sounds good to me. When does it start?

Tomorrow after school.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm doing that extra-credit
assignment for history class.

Too bad, Doug.
I think you'd do a great job

of cheering up old people.

Hmm. Really, Patti?

And now the young man
you've been waiting for,

Mr. Doug Funnie!

[music playing]

♪ I left my heart ♪

How you doin' tonight?

♪ In someone's disco ♪

♪ High on a hill ♪

♪ In a crazy senior pad ♪

Yes!

♪ Where people are alike ♪

Yes, you are.

♪ Turn in early every night-- good night ♪

♪ And the staff is totally outta sight ♪

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, thank you! Thank you very much!

No, no, no, no, you're too kind.

Oh, Doug!

You're so croonery!

On second thought,
I'm sure I can find the time.

[whistles]

[Doug] You know something, journal?

Trying to be a nice guy can
be an awful lot of trouble.

I was doing lots of research
on my special history report.

It was on Bluffington's
former Mayor Rudolph Bluff,

and I only had three days left
to write it.

On top of that,

I promised Patti I'd visit
the retirement home

every afternoon.

I didn't know how I was
gonna get it all done,

but I had to try.

I was a little nervous
about going to Maturing Meadows

because I didn't know what to expect.

But it was pretty nice.

Mrs. Armstrong,

were you really on an Olympic team?

Oh, call me Ruth, dear.

I was on the 1936 swim team,

and I would've won a gold medal

if I'd been a bit more aggressive.

Wahh!

Wow! Nice sh*t, Mrs. Arm--

I mean, Ruth.

What would you like to do,
Mrs. Vanderpony?

Do? Really, darling.

People of our station don't do.

We hire other people to do for us.

Now, have your butler pull up a chair

so you can share some gossip with me.

You do gossip, I trust.

Me? Only all the time.

Skeeter, I'd like you
to meet your senior sidekick mentor,

Mr. Baloo.

How do you do, Skeeter?

I'm William Baloo.
You can call me William.

[honk honk]

William Baloo?

Are you related to Billy Big-Cheeks Baloo?

Hoo hoo!

Mr. Mouth Sounds of the tri-county area?

[makes a sound]

He's my grandson.

[imitates baby crying]

I taught him-- Ah-ooga!

Every noise that ever
came out of his mouth.

[putt putt putt putt rrowr snort boing]

You're kidding! You taught him to...

[vrrr vrrr vrrr]

Would I lie?

[imitates English police siren]

I taught Billy to...

[imitates sawing wood]

Before he could... [cuckoo, twang]

That looks like a good match.

So who do you have picked for me,
Miss Crystal?

Hmm. Uh...

[Miss Crystal] Ah! There she is.

Mrs. Whackhammer.

Mrs. Whackhammer, this is your new friend,

the one I was telling you about,

Doug Funnie.

Hmmph!

I just know you two are
going to get along famously.

Uh, hello, Mrs. Whackhammer.

I'm glad to meet you.

Some weather we're having, huh?

I don't suppose you'd
like to play ping-pong.

How about cards?

Checkers?

No?

Then you can slam it
right past them, like this.

That's great.

How do I look?

My dear, you should always wear a tiara.

You never know when you'll be called upon
to christen a ship.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

You know, I think my... [oo oo oo oo]

Needs a little work.

Why, a boy your age should never...

[oo oo oo oo]

You could damage your...

[arr arr arr, cuckoo, splat]

[sighs]

So then the man says,

"What, and give up show business?"

Ha ha ha ha!

"What, give up show business?"

Ha ha ha...

[sighs]

Mrs. Whackhammer,
I think we'd have a lot more fun

if you talked, too.

Think so?

Yes, ma'am, I do.

OK. I'll talk.

You're not funny, Doug Funnie,

and I find you annoying.

What's more,
I don't approve of short pants.

Now, I wish you'd leave
and quit wasting my time.

There! Still think it's fun when I talk?

[sighs]

I don't know why.

I guess she just hates me,

so I'm not going back.

Well, Doug, with some people,

it takes a little time
to get them to open up.

Don't quit now, mister.

Maybe she wants to be friends,

but just doesn't know how to say it.

Why don't you take her
some of my homemade oatmeal cookies?

Well... OK.

But if this doesn't work, that's it.

Huh?

Come on, Patti! Feel the burn!

Patti, you're a great runner.

Ohh! So are you, Ruth.

Hmm.

[gasp]

[imitates bugle]

Hmmm...

Hooo.

Hello, Mrs. Whackhammer.

How are you today?

I wanted to apologize for being so, uh,

pushy yesterday.

I brought a little gift,

homemade oatmeal cookies with milk.

You brought me milk and cookies?

Yes, ma'am.

I can't have dairy!

Oatmeal makes me queasy!

And you make me queasy, too!

Huh? What? I didn't know!

What are you trying to do,
send me to the hospital?

Oh, hey! Watch it! Whoa!

Aah!

Ouch!

Now, why don't you just leave me alone

and go do your charity work
somewhere else,

Doug Funnie-face?

[imitating b*mb dropping]

-[laughter]
-Ohhh... perfect.

I'm never going back to that place!

I tried my best,

and that Mrs. Whackhammer
was nothing but mean.

[snoring]

And now I'm so far behind
on my history report,

I'll never finish in time.

"Rudolph Bluff, mayor of Bluffington

by Doug Funnie."

Did I tell you Mrs. Whackhammer

called me Doug Funnie-face?

[whines]

I hope I never see her again!

Huh?

Porkchop, look!

Mrs. Whackhammer.

"Soprano Gretchen Whackhammer
is congratulated after an opera recital

by Mayor Rudolph Bluff."

Huh? Porkchop, look.

Wow. She knew Rudolph Bluff?

I wonder what he thought of her.

Probably the same thing I think.

She's practically a monster.

See?

[narrator] It appeared to be just
another day in Megalopolis.

Citizens of that fair city
Were doing what they do best,

being kind, sensitive...

Let me get that door for you.

-Why, thank you.
-You're welcome.

[narrator] And just plain swell.

Excuse me, ma'am, did you drop this?

Why, thank you.

[narrator] Then, from the lair of doom,

emerged a creature
so hideous, so frightening,

and just so downright ogrey,

The Whackhammer.

Rraahh!

The grouchiest monster in the universe.

One blast from her meganasty breath

transforms a normally nice person

into a rude, ill-mannered lout.

Excuse me, there's a huge, hideous monster
terrorizing our fair city,

and I'm frightened beyond belief.

Would you kindly let me merge?

Why, of course.

Merge at your leisure.

Huh? Not!

-[kids] Wow!
-Here you go.

-[splat]
-Aah!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

[narrator] Is there no one who will
save this fair city?

Of course there is.

Look! Up in the sky!

It's a bird, it's a plane...

No! It's one of those advertising blimps.

Whoo-hoo!

Never fear, citizens.

It is I, Quailman, come to save--

Hey, you in the briefs! Out of the way!

We can't read the blimp!

[narrator] It's Quailman!

Heroic visitor from the Planet Bob,

who, with his faithful sidekick Quaildog,

fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice,

and the way of the Quail.

Aha!

Rraahh!

Huh?

You'll not zap me

with your cloud
of grouchiness, Whackhammer,

for I am blessed with
the speed of the Quail,

to bob and dart out of danger.

Now I will use my Quail eye
to render you helpless and stupefied.

I've got you now!

Aah!

Or perhaps I spoke too soon.

Rraahh ha ha ha!

Get lost, you mangy mutt!

No! Must resist grouchy thoughts!

Wait! Quaildog...

Over there!

The cookie factory, our only hope.

There's nothing like the smell of
fresh-baked cookies

to turn a frown upside-down.

You know what you must do.

[arf]

Fly with such speed that
the factory windows blow open,

and the friendly smell of baking cookies,

spreads throughout the city.

[horns honking]

What? You call this a tip?

My tip is find a job you can do right!

-Huh?
-Huh?

Oh, why, here you are, sir.

Thank you so very much.

[sniffs]

A truly heroic effort, Quaildog.

Now that Megalopolis is back to normal,

we must trace the evil Whackhammer
back to her lair

and make sure that she never returns

to trouble our fair city again.

If only we knew which way she went.

[whistle]

Can it be?

Why, yes, I do believe it is!

A giant footprint.

You are really on your game today,
Quaildog.

Fly away!

Perhaps these footprints will lead us
to Whackhammer's beastly lair.

[narrator] Utilizing
impeccable Quail logic,

Quailman and Quaildog
pinpoint the location

of Whackhammer's beastly lair.

Steady, Quaildog.

[whines]

Why is it that evil monsters

never seem to hire a cheery decorator?

[arf]

Aah!

[Porkchop] Has it perhaps
slipped your mind

that you possess
the Quail power of flight?

Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.

[groans]

[pop, thud]

[gasp]

Quaildog, you hear that?

What's the mysterious pop-thud?

Listen.

Another pop-thud.

And it's coming from over there.

[pop, thud]

[roar]

[narrator] Is this the end of our heroes?

What will they do? What can they do?

Will their illustrious careers
end with a resounding pop-thud?

[growling]

Let's get closer and see
if there's a second monster

who's also into... Racquet sports.

[pop, thud]

Great guinea hens, Quaildog!

She's playing against herself?

[Porkchop] Astutely observed, Quailman.

Perhaps this monster's
not evil but lonely,

unable to express
her feelings appropriately,

she resorts to discourteous behavior.

Of course!

Reeking havoc on the fair citizens
of Megalopolis

was simply a monster's
desperate cry for help.

Mm-hmm.

[low groan]

[snoring]

We must act quickly.

Hmm.

I have a plan.

Quaildog, are you a good badminton player?

Uh-uh.

Great! Neither am I.

Here's my plan.

We'll both start playing,

and since we're both so bad...

[whispering]

Here you go, Quaildog.

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, we're certainly bad at this.

Super bad!

Maybe this why they call it bad-minton.

[snoring]

[whacking birdie]

Rraahh!

Nice try, Quaildog.

Ha ha ha ha!

Huh?

[Doug] So bad! Ha ha ha!

No, no, no!

You're holding the racquet all wrong!

You can talk?

Of course I can talk!

I'm a monster, not a mime.

Well, but I thought you just roared.

Never mind!

The point is, you're so bad at this game,

I guess I'll have to show you.

Now, it's all in the wrist.

Nice overhead, Quailman!

Wow, Whackhammer.

You certainly are a magnificent teacher.

Well...

you two aren't bad students.

For beginners.

Thanks.

Say, I bet I know some other folks

who'd like to learn this game.

That's right, sweetie.

You're doing just fine.

Thanks, Whackhammer.

I love you.

-A job well done, Whackhammer.
-[arf]

[narrator] And so, thanks to Quailman,

Megalopolis remains a place
of warmth, compassion,

and some really outstanding
badminton players.

You know, Porkchop, maybe that's it.

Maybe Mrs. Whackhammer
isn't really mean at all.

Just lonely.

If only I can find something
in common with her.

[arf arf arf]

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

[Skeeter humming]

Hello, Mrs. Whackhammer.

[humming]

I see you finally came to your senses,

and you're not gonna pester me today.

No, ma'am, I'm not.

Good! You're smarter than you look.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, I'm going back over there.

I just want you to know

that I'm having a great time over there
without you.

I'm glad to hear that, Mrs. Whackhammer.

Well... good.

I'm heading back over there now.

Got lots of stuff to do.

Me, too.

I've got a history report
due on Friday on...

Rudolph Bluff.

Rudolph Bluff? That miserly old coot?

Why would you want to write about him?

Oh, so you knew Rudolph Bluff?

Knew him? Why, he was the biggest
pain in the backside

who ever lived!

Here. Let me see what you got written.

Huh! Where'd you get this stuff?

Some book?

He probably wrote it himself.

Let me set you straight.

It was back in the winter

of the Big Bluffington Blizzard...

[music playing]

And this is the blue ribbon I won

singing at the state fair.

Why, I hit a "c" so far above high "c,"

all the jars in the pickle-tasting
booth shattered.

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey!

Who's this cute girl?

Why, that's me.

Nice buns.

Thank you, Doug.

I've always been proud of my hair.

Always hoped it would catch young
Pasquali Bluff's eye.

Rudolph Bluff's son?

Yes. Rudolph Bluff may have been

the orneriest man who ever lived
in Bluffington,

but his son was a different story
entirely.

That boy was my very first crush.

'Course he never knew it.

You ever had a secret crush
on someone, Doug?

Well, uh...

Ha ha! That's what I thought.

Well, maybe you and I aren't so different
after all.

'Course since Pasquali
was the Mayor's son,

and I was just the daughter of
a poor beet farmer...

[Doug] And while Rudolph Bluff is recorded

as one of our greatest mayors,

he never played any sports
because he was knock-kneed

and refused to wear shorts.

The end.

Thank you, Doug. Great job.

Class, Doug took an historical figure
and told us more than just the dry facts.

He reminded us that Rudolph Bluff
was not just some statue in a park,

but a real human being.

Remember, History isn't only about dates.

It's about stories
and real people like you and me.

Our past defines who we are.

Excellent work, Doug.

I can't take all the credit.

I could never have done it without
Mrs. Whackhammer.

[teacher] Care to share
some more Bluffington history

with us, Mrs. Whackhammer?

Well, I could tell the kids
about the Great Beet Blight.

It was the summer I turned 14.

The beets were swelling in the ground

and exploding.

You couldn't sleep at night
from the racket.

[Doug] I learned a lot
from Mrs. Whackhammer,

and not just stuff from my report.

Old folks may look different

with all those wrinkles and gray hair,

but they were our age once, too.

And we're going to be their age someday.

It's just a matter of time.

One more time!

[theme music playing]