07x18 - Quailman and the Quintuple Quandary

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[yelps]

[whistling]

[grunting]

Huh? Huh? [screams]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop Boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear Journal,

you know how our neighbor Mr. Dink

always buys all the latest
and most expensive gadgets...

Self-flossing
cadmium dental floss. [laughs]

Very expensive.

[Doug] And he never takes the time
to learn how to use them right

because he gets distracted easily?

Ooh! Have I shown you my breeze-activated
hedge clippers?

Ha ha!

-[woof]
-Ah!

-Whoa!
-Duck!

Duck again!

Say, uh, Douglas,

do you see an "off" switch anywhere there?

-Aah!
-[woof]

Uh... no.

Whoa! That was exhausting.

How about some nice fresh beet-aid?

Ah!

[chuckles] This is the best beet juicer
on the market.

Very expensive.

Hmm. It's not working.

Hmm. It says here in the directions

you have to add beets.

Oh, directions.
I didn't read 'em. Heh heh.

Thanks, Porkchop.

Oh!

My floss is caught! Whoop! It's got it!

Whoop! Whoop! Breakin' it! Wow!

Ha ha ha! Whoo!

Ow! Look out! Whoa!

Are you OK, Mr. Dink?

Oh, well, this seems to be happening
more and more lately.

Must be faulty workmanship.

Huh?

[footsteps]

[creaking]

[whistling]

[whistles]

[Doug] Every scout faces challenges.

I, Bluff Scout Doug Funnie,
have faced many

and earned many badges.

But now the time had come
to face what is possibly

any scout's toughest challenge,

earning my snorking badge.

Snorking is the legendary Bluff scout art

of precision foliage
and soil identification.

My badge test was scheduled for today.

I'd studied and studied until...

Hmm...

Maple leaf...

Mud.

I am ready!

As Bluff scout leader,

Mr. Dink was to administer
my all-important snork aptitude test.

Mr. Dink?

But when I reached his tool shed,

I made a shocking discovery,

Somebody wrecked
Mr. Dink's whole workshop!

[Dink] Is that you, Douglas?

Mr. Dink, what happened?

[Dink] More faulty workmanship.

Could you unbury me?

This box is denting my spleen.

[grunting]

Unh! Oh!

Wow! Thank you, Douglas.

Now, what can I do you for?

I'm ready for my snorking
badge test, Mr. Dink.

Ooh, sorry, Douglas,
but can't it wait until tomorrow?

Tippy's been giving me a hard time

about leaving my stuff around.

So I better clean this mess up
before she sees it,

or she might do the unthinkable.

You mean she'll take away
your credit cards... again?

Oh... much worse!

She's gonna put me on an allowance.

Oh... oh, uh, OK. Sure, Mr. Dink.

I understand.

I guess.

[humming]

But when I went to Mr. Dink's house
the next day...

What?

He was busy with four or five other
very expensive gadgets

-that weren't working right.
-Flying papers! Stop it!

I got it! Ah... oomph!

[Doug] So he didn't have time
to do my badge test.

Ooh, sorry, Douglas.
Faulty workmanship again.

It's starting to really bug me, Patti.

What is, Doug?

The way Mr. Dink keeps putting off
my Bluff scout test.

He said he'll give me the test next week,

but he'll just be distracted
by other stuff,

and I'll never earn my snorking badge.

You're trying to earn a badge for snoring?

Snorking. You know,
the legendary Bluff scout art

of precision foliage
and dirt identification.

[grunts] Uh... no.

Did you tell Mr. Dink
how upset you are he forgot?

How? He's always tied up in dental floss
and wet newspaper.

So you're just going
to keep being frustrated?

I don't know what else to do.

I'm ready, Professor Quint.

Let's see. Carry the square root of pi
à la mode-- Oh...

[Quailman] Professor Quint?

-And then multiplied by the--
-Excuse me, Professor Quint?

Oh, sorry, Quailman. Got a bit distracted.

I've asked you here to test-pilot
my newest prototype

of my 5-speed location
transference vehicle.

Because of my perfect Quail sense
of direction?

That and I'm scared to drive it myself.

Here we go. Enabling launch sequence.

All systems go.

Launching in 5...


-[phone ringing]
-[Quint] Oh! Telephone!

[whirring]

I don't seem to be goin' anywhere.

-Professor?
-[backfiring]

Thanks for calling.

Yeah. I'm having a problem
With the 5-way combo mango masher

I ordered from your catalogue.

-[whistling]
-Yeah. It's terribly difficult

to get mango juice out of the wallpaper.

T-u-u-r-r-n i-i-i-it o-o-o-off!

Oops! Gotta go! My gespacho's flying!

Wha-oh!

Oops! Oh, my, that can't be good.

Huh?

Look out!

-I've failed again.
-Brr-buh-uh-uh.

Maybe you fail because
you're always doing 5 things at once.

Why is that, Professor Quint?

Why? Isn't it obvious?

Because 5 is the perfect number.

We all have 5 fingers on each hand,


There are 5 senses. I was born on May 5th,

and my wife was one of 5 quintuplets.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five ♪

Best musical grouping, Quintet,

best Beethoven symphony, the fifth!

Cards in draw poker, 5!

How will I love thee?
Let me count the ways, 5!

All that is perfect is in 5.

So I do everything
in 5's in my personal quest--

Some might call it an obsession--

For the purity of perfection,

and, yet... I fail.

Maybe that's because
you only have two hands,

and, besides, nobody's perfect.

Think about it.

And now we must...

fly away!

He's right. I can't do 5 things at once

because I only have two hands.

Heh heh oh...

I need 5 hands!

♪ I need a first hand, a second hand ♪

♪ A forehand, and a backhand ♪

♪ An overhand, an underhand ♪

♪ A hand-me-down, a slack hand ♪

♪ A slight-of-hand, a bite-the-hand ♪

♪ That feeds me on command ♪

♪ A wired hand, a hired hand ♪

♪ So nothing's out of hand ♪

♪ A highhanded, bumper hand ♪

♪ Why, I'd be more alive ♪

♪ A handy dandy burnin' hand ♪

♪ I'll dry my hand in fire ♪

♪ Hands ♪

♪ Lend me hand, give me a hand ♪

♪ Be more alive if I had 5 ♪

♪ More hands ♪

Ha ha!

At last!

Ha ha ha ha!


Ha ha ha!

Now to test them.

Oh!

I've done it.

Now I could do 5 experiments
simultaneously.

Oh, joy and rapture!

This is perfection at last.

Wow!

Uh-oh.

What? No! Stop!

Ah! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow!

-Ye-aah!
-[honks]

Whah!

Aah!

[coughing]

A lot of smoke there.

[hacking]

O, cruel fate,

now I'm 5 times the failure.

But what can a man with 5 arms succeed at?

To waste this brilliance
would be such a crime.

Crime?

Wait a minute!

Crime! That's it!

I'll become a criminal!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Well, it must be easier than science.

No laughs.

All I need is a special
evildoer's moniker.

Oh, but what should it be?

Hmm?

A squid? I-- It's like an omen.

I'll become...

A squid!

The evil Squwtguili.

Hmm!

My Quail sense is on the alert.

Trouble below at the museum.

[barking]

If any evildoers are present,

you might as well surrender.

No villain has ever escaped
the power of Quailman's--

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Quailman] [muffled] of course,
there's always a first time.

[Quaildog] Quailman,
you're trapped under a big foot again.

[Quialman] I know that.

Now, can you free me?

Because this really hurts.

[grunting]

Huh?

Ehh... Oh.

[moaning]

Ahh...

[Quaildog] Must fight squid.
Must save Quailman.

[[Quailman] Weakening.
Life flashing before eyes.

[woman screams]

-[whining]
-Oh.

Ah, ah, ah-- ohh!

What kind of evil genius

could have figured out Quaildog's
most vulnerable spot?

That little tickly place
that makes dogs kick.

Quaildog!

[grunting]

Ah!

[Quaildog] Whoever did this

Is truly the greatest menace
we've ever faced, Quailman.

We must look for clues, Quaildog.

That would be stuff we didn't knock over.

Commissioner, there were

First, a painting was stolen.

Second, the wall was graffiti'd

Third, the night watchman's
pocket was picked.

Fourth, the jewelry case was broken into.

Super duper wonderful work, Quailman!

You should be proud as punch,

but that's only 4 crimes.

Fifth, the criminal entered the museum
without paying.

Ohh! That's just horrible, and awful,

and absolutely not nice.

And the night watchman
described a criminal with 5 arms.

Quaildog!

I just have to give you a great big hug.

Hello! That's just
the most wonderful drawing,

especially considering you have no thumbs.

Please, can you find this misdirected
wayward soul, Quailman?

I think I can.

With the help of the smartest man I know.

[Quailman] So you see, Professor Quint,

I was trapped under a big stone foot

and Quaildog by a squid with 5 tentacles.

Ooh! Both pentadactyl dangers.

Hmm...

[barking]

Hmm. That means having 5 fingers or toes.

Remember, kids, a strong vocabulary
is a source of great power,

so make the dictionary your friend.

From what you've told me,
I deduce this fiend

ought to be on the other side of the world
by now, looting museums there.

Then we'd better hurry.

Thanks, professor.

Fly away!

Hee hee ha ha ha!

Now that Quailman's out of the way,

I can loot this city 5 ways from Sunday!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, why aren't you halfway
around the world?

We were a quarter way around the world

when I realized the 5-armed
Squwtguili is you!

Drat! How did you figure me out?

Allow me to playback our conversation

with my Quail eye instant replay option,

and show you the subtle clues.

Though your arms were moving faster
than the eye can see,

this Quail eye slow-motion replay

clearly shows all 5 of your arms moving.

You couldn't resist
doing 5 things at once,

and that was your downfall.

Curse the Quail eye's
powers of observation.

I'm a failure at crime as well as science.

You always could have succeeded,
professor.

Instead of dividing your attention 5 ways
at once,

you could do one thing with 5 times
the concentration.

That's very wise.

Thank you, Quailman.

If I return what I stole, can I have
a second chance to follow your advice?

Of course.

A Quail is known by his fairness.

That's it!

Patti, I know exactly what I have to do!

Doug? Huh?

Are you gonna sit out here alone all day?

Practice ended a half hour ago.

Oh, did you hear me say
I know exactly what I have to do now?

[Doug] I rused to Mr. Dink's place

to tell him what I figured out.

So maybe your gadgets all break

because you divide your
attention 5 ways at once,

instead of doing one thing
with 5 times the concentration.

My, my, out of the mouths of babes.

Douglas, that's very wise.

Thank you.
I'm going to follow that advice.

[Doug] So once again,
the wisdom of the Quail

triumphed over the power
of bad feelings...

Or so I thought.

But a week later, when I showed up
for my snorking badge test,

things were looking really weird.

Mr. Dink?

Mr. Dink?

Mr. Dink?

What's going on around here?

Ha ha! I've taken your advice, Douglas.

No time for headline writing,
hinge-fixing, shaving,

lawn-cutting, newspaper bundling,
bathing--

You know, all that stuff.

But I didn't say that!

Phew! What's that smell?

Why, cheese, of course. Ha ha ha!

You said concentrate on only one thing
and do it right,

So I'm putting 100%
of my energy into this,

a click and sniff website of all cheeses
known to man,

and a few unknown. [laughs]

Oh, sure, it'll take a few years,

but if I wanna do it right,

I'm gonna have to ignore everything else
until then.

-Ew!
-Just like ya said.

That isn't exactly what I meant, Mr. Dink.

Nothing else, not even talk.

[sniffing]

Oh, yeah!

So now I'll never get
to take my badge test.

Mr. Dink just sits there all day smelling.

Jeez!

Well, why did you tell him
he should do that?

I didn't-- I don't think.

Yesiree, this is a rest
well deserved, Quaildog.

I'm proud how we set
Professor Quint right.

Being good and doing
good feels so go-o-ood!

The mega-emergency Quail signal!

It rises only when crime is completely
out of control.

Chug chug chug chug chug.

Whoo-ooh-whoo!

So you hear that sound, Quailman?

It's the sound of a great big crime train

pulling into Megalopolis Station,

and it's completely out of control!

Told ya.

20% of our precious
Daily Trib's 5-star final

just disappeared.

That's exactly 1/5.

And 5 innocent and trusting citizens

lost everything to a man who played
5 games of 5-card stud at once...

and cheated!

Knock knock? Who's there?

Evil!

Then the 5 senses exhibit
was stripped bare,

a senseless crime against that big
human family we call us.

You'll never guess what happened next.

The villain robbed THE 5th National bank
AT 5th AND 55th.

He took only five 50, 500, 5,000,
and $5 million dollar bills.

And guess how long it took him?

5 minutes.

Since these crimes revolve around 5s--

And it hurts my inner commissioner
to tell you this--

we suspect your friend Professor Quint!

Or as he's now known, the evil--
or perhaps just misguided--

Squwtguili!

Impossible. I set him straight.

I'll prove you wrong!

-Professor Quint!
-[barks]

Hello?

[gasps]

[maniacal laughter]

I have to thank Quailman

for showing me how
to best concentrate my evil.

What?

Yes!

He taught me how to concentrate all 5 arms
on one thing,

crime!

Now I can be the perfect criminal!

Ah ha ha ha!

Ohh!

You mean Quailman taught him to be evil?

No, I didn't. He got it all wrong!

Ha ha ha ha!

I am now the quintessence of bad,

and I owe it all to Quailman!

Ha ha ha ha!

No, he doesn't.

And now, for my quintessential crime,

I have redirected 5 comets
towards the 5 corners of the earth.

That's the usual 4 corners and,
uh, over there.

Welcome to the end of the world!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Gee, thanks, Quailman!

Some hero.

Yeah. Thanks a lot
for ending the world and stuff.

Oh, man!

Oh, I'm going to be so famous
for destroying the earth.

[laughs] Oh! Just one problem.

I'll be the only one around who knows it.

Oh, fame, so fleeting.

Oh, that's strange.

Suddenly, earth looks a lot like...

Quailman?

How did you find me?

Simple. You do everything in 5s.

Jupiter is the fifth planet from the sun.

Rats! Rats! Rats! Rats!

Rats!

Come back here!
And stop that bobbing and darting!

You're tyin' me in knots.

Oh! Ooh! Oh!

When I told you to concentrate
on just one thing,

I didn't mean crime.

I meant you could succeed at science

if you concentrate on just one experiment.

Oh, is that what you meant?

My mistake. Imagine my embarrassment,

Dooming the earth and all.

Come on. We have only 5 minutes

to stop those 5 meteors.

Can't. You'd have to be
in five places at once.

The only thing that could do that

is my 5-speed location
transference vehicle,

and that was a failure.

It was only a failure

when you didn't give it
your undivided attention.

You're right!

[Quailman] If you can concentrate,
we can save the earth!


Hurry, professor.
We've only got 2 minutes.

[Doug] Less than a minute to go.

You have only 5 seconds before the comets
hit the earth.

Good luck!

[Doug] That's one down.

Two.

Three.

Four.

And five!

The earth is saved!

[cheering]

Quailman, you saved the world.

By the way, Squwtguili
isn't squid. It's octopus.

Calamari is squid.

See how dumb evil is?

Patti, I've got it!

Come on!

-Ew!
-Ew!

-Ooh!
-What a smell.

Mr. Dink, Patti and I wanna help you.

You can't talk me into quitting

before I've created the perfect website
for cheese.

I must be perfect!

Perfect! Do you hear me? Perfect!

Uh, sure, Mr. Dink, and we could help you.

We could stop going to
school or playing sports

or doing anything else any more

until you reach your goal of perfection.

What do you think, Mr. Dink?

Is that a good idea?

No more drawing, or playing the banjo,
or going to swirly's.

What? That doesn't make sense.

You can't give up the things you love,

and you need to go to school.

There's plenty of time to do everything

if you just get organized
and concentrate on one thing at a time.

That's exactly what I was trying
to tell you before.

It was?

Well, when I hear me say it,

it makes a lot more sense.

If you do one thing at a time,

you'll do it OK.

Like I'm not allowed to watch TV
while I do my homework.

Ha ha ha! I misunderstood.

You know, Douglas,

you've got to organize
your thoughts better before you speak.

Ha ha ha!

[Doug] So Mr. Dink set aside
one hour a week for his cheese project,

and he started taking time
to read directions.

Hmm...

Oh...

Say, what do you know? It works. Ooh!

[Doug] Which, actually, made a difference.

And it wasn't long
before he found the time

to give me my Bluff scout badge test.

And I passed with flying colors.

Congratulations.

And I see you got your snacking badge.

Snorking.

Speaking of snacking,

how about going to swirly's
for a cheeseburger?

Ew! Doug, I think I'll be staying away
from cheese for a while.

Cheese shake? Cheese á la mode?

[laughing] Doug, stop it!

[Doug] Cheese on a stick?

[Patti] Stop!

[Doug] How about cheese Wellington?

Ha ha ha!

[Doug] Cheese cobbler?

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[scatting]