07x28 - Doug's Adventures On-Line

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

[chuckling]

[growling]

Hey! Hey! [screams]

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[humming]

Hmm.

How 'bout hippie music?

Electric Fudge, the Low-Fat album?

Even Grandma Funnie has that album, Skeet.

Hmm. Disco?

Here's dance, dance, dance, baby, dance.

Again? There's gotta be something else.

Oh.

Well, A Thousand Strings
And A Nose hHrp?

Skeet, we've played
"A Thousand Strings" a thousand times.

We can't use that again.

Well, looks like we're having a party
without music,

'cause this is the last box

of your folks' old records.

And everyone's heard my oldies
a kajillion times.

We've gotta find some new old music,

or this party is doomed.

Code blue. Code blue.

I've got party here that's fading fast.

Gotta get some onion dip into this guy.

I'm not getting a party pulse.

I need chips! Stat!

What have we got?

Too many replays of oldie music,

a condition brought on
by prolonged exposure

to old, tired, mind-numbing music.

Not another botched deejay job.

Afraid so.

-[flat-line beep]
-Stand back, people!

Clear!

[salsa music plays]

[party horn toots]

[flat-line beep]

I'm not getting anything.

Somebody call the coroner.

This party has expired.

[both] And it's all Doug Funnie's fault!

Aah!

[whistling]

That's me!

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Doug] Dear journal,
the Super-Retro-Oldies Dance

was in one week,

and we had to dig up some
brand-new oldies for it fast.

Why is this record in a frame?

"She sat on my zither at the sit-in,

and, oh, what a high note she hit."

Oh, by the Psychedelic Fuzz.

That's your dad's old band!

It's a single from their album.

It didn't sell much,
and that's his only copy.

He's real proud of it.

Too bad we already
played their album so much.

-See, we could've--
-[Phil] Doug, Skeeter!

Come down to the den, guys,

I've got something
really exciting to show you!

[clears throat]

Family... and, Skeeter,

I have a big announcement.

Today, the Funnie household
enters the 21st century

with our new home computer!

It's a Power Portal PC 2000!

I got a great bargain
down at Crazy Kenny's Computer Casa.

I even got Kenny to throw in
this tutorial CD for free.

Welcome to the wildly exciting
world of cyberspace.

I'm Crazy Kenny, here to boldly lead you

where your fingers have never gone before.

Before. Before. Before.

Hmm. I don't remember it
doing this at the store.

Aah!

Oh, dear!

Huh? Well, heh. This can wait till later.

Now, let me give you a little tour.

See, this little gadget
is called the mouse.

But don't worry, honey,
it won't bite. Ha ha.

And this TV is called a monitor.

Are you with me so far?

I think so, dear.

But I was wondering,

shouldn't we have gotten another

a 2-gig hard drive,

an upgradeable CPU,
and a zip drive backup?

Well, I, uh...

Say, where did you learn
so much about computers?

Well, I use one every day

down at the recycling center.

Let me know if you need any help.

How 'bout you, Judy?

You're a "with it"
kind of gal, aren't you?

Bet you can't wait to get transported down

the old information superhighway, huh?

Oh, Father, puh-leeze.

They force me to learn
computers at school.

And I loathe them.

They're nothing but cold, heartless lumps

of plastic and silicon.

I detest the polymer putrescence

of the uncaring keyboard,

the blank, cycloptic stare of the monitor,

they are the enemies of true art! Huh!

I'll take that as a "no."

Well, what do you say, guys?

Want to explore the cutting edge
of computer science?

It's a pretty good computer, Mr. Funnie.

Just like the one we learned
on in Ding Dong Day-Care.

But we're kind of busy right now.

We have to find some music
to play for the school dance.

Maybe later.

[baby talk]

[sighs] Well, Dirtbike,

I guess you and I are the only ones

who can't work a computer.

[computer] Welcome, Dirtbike.

You've got mail.

[excited gibberish]

Lost. So very lost.

-So very lost.
-[Judy] Dad?

Dad, are you all right?

Chat room. Web sites.

No exit, no exit.

No exit.

Ah, yes, it appears you've run out of gas

on the information superhighway.

Maybe you'd better go to bed, Dad.

Bed, good. Computer, bad.

Poor Dad. Another cyber casualty.

I'll just shut this down.

"Punchy Punchy-Punchline website"?

"Earwax Sculpture home page"?

"Cheezy Cheezball's
Scratch 'n Sniff website"?

Huh? What's this?

[computer] Bonjour, mes amis.

And welcome to the Bluffington
Pretentious Artists chat room,

where the elite meet
to critique the sheet.

Oh, "click to activate
synthesized voices."

Anyone in the know knows the art movement
du jour is potato tattooing.

[speaking in a foreign language]
Nyet, nyet, nyet. Au contraire.

Anti-art is au courant.

Deconstruct. Deconstruct. Deconstruct.

Oh, give me a break.

How do I get into this chat room?

[computer] To join today's
pompous discussion,

select a voice from the list.

[Judy] "Bicoastal Trendy,
Urban Illuminati,

Eurotrash Elitist,
Haughty but Nice." Bingo.

[dignified voice] You have selected
Haughty but Nice.

Whatever you type will
be spoken in this voice.

Not bad. Now...

Ech. Ech. Passé, outré, outmoded.

Potato tattooing is so over.

You're both wrong.

Art is not a trend or a fad. Art happens.

Excusez moi. Is that a quote
from Salvador Doozy?

No. It's from me, Judy Funnie.

I agree with Judy. Art is a calling.

It's not for poseurs,
but for the passionate.

Ooh, a fellow aesthete.

"Screen name: Leonardo d'Warhol."

Hmm.

[Haughty but Nice] Leonardo, you seem
to understand.

Only through emotion and suffering

can we truly experience
the tortured journey of the artiste.

[Doug] Skeet and I spent hours

looking for music with no luck.

We thought a trip to Swirly's

might take our minds off our problem.

It didn't.

Doug Funnie, it is imperative that you

find acceptable music for the soiree.

I hereby apply peer pressure.

Indeed. We plan to crash the dance,
looking for girls.

You aren't gonna play all the same old,
lame tunes, are you?

You would think that the country

of such great smarty-pantsness

will be producing oldies
which are brand-new.

Hey, why don't you get your dad
to drive you

to that megastore back in Bloatsburg?

You remember-- the black hole of records?

No. My dad's too busy trying
to figure out his new computer.

Say, Doug, now that you've got a computer,

why don't you look
for records on the Internet?

On the Internet?

You may be finding all things online.

I myself am especially enjoying this new
Scrabble chat room.

Nah. The best website

is the Punchy Punchy-Punchline page.

Well, I download secret coded messages

from the Man o' Steelman home page.

Today's message is...

Can't tell ya. It's a secret! Ha ha ha!

[both] We cruise the information
highway for girls. Ha ha.

You know what?
In the Bluffington Beach chat room,

there was some kid

who said he had the Let It Beet album.

"Let It Beet"?

The oft-praised but seldom heard

rarest of all the Beets' breakup albums?

Oh, my spine is being chilled
just to be thinking on it.

Wow. I wonder if he'd sell it.

Funnie, you could never
get that album for the dance.

You're too much of a loser!

But if you did,

it would save the dance
from being a joyless sham.

And our lives will be delivered

from the hollow mockery
of a dreadfully dull dance.

-[both] It's all up to you, Doug Funnie.
-[sighs]

[Judy] Oh, Serenity, he's just perfect.

Dante to my Beatrice.

Troilus to my Cressida.

The kindred spirit
I've waited for my whole life.

It's Leonardo.

And he lives in North Bluffington

and studies art in college and...

[sighs] he's perfect.

Here's the online address Patti gave us.

[imitates computer beeps]

Great.

[both] Whoa!

[computer] Hello, Beets fans,

and welcome to Bluffington's
very own Beets Chat Room.

Please choose a voice type.

Hey! Cool, man. What do you wanna be?

Crazed Fan-boy, Rowdy Roady,

Average, Run-Of-The-Mill Fan?

[Doug] That's us.

I'm the Average Run-Of-The-Mill Fan.

I'm the voice you chose.

[computer] Now jump right in

to meet and greet your fellow Beetniks.

Hi. We're looking for anyone

who has the Let It Beet album.

I do. My name's Webster.

And I know more about the Beets

than any kid in the known world.

Did you know that your
screen name "Funnieman"

is close to the name
of a small-time drummer

who greatly influenced the Beets?

[both] All right!

Yeah. Phil Funnie. I know him personally.

No way! Cool.

What about the Let It Beet album?

We'd like to buy it.

Oh, it's not for sale.

Oh, man.

But I might trade for it.

Whoo! Hoo-hoo! Yes!

[Skeeter] I don't know, man.

I'm not sure we should be

meeting someone we don't really know.

Relax. Webster's a Beets fan.

Besides, it's the only chance
we have to get the Let It Beet album.

You know, we're giving up
a lot of good albums here.

Hey, your dad's single.

You're not trading this, are you?

Hey, how'd that get in there?

We must've packed it by mistake.

Do you smell something...

[sniffs] burning?

[Doug] Whoa! Quick.

Do what it says in the Bluffscout Manual!

[both] When in doubt, snuff it out.

Bluffscout training saves the day.

Hey, look! [gasps]

Our albums! They're gone!

This is crazy. Where could they go?

I think we've been... Scammed!

You really think it was Webster?

Who else knew the box had valuable stuff?

He probably started that fire
just to distract us.

Oh, no! My dad's single.

It was his only copy.

[whistles] That is bad.

What am I gonna tell him?

Hmm. Hey, you know what everybody
said at Swirly's,

you can find anything on the Internet.

Maybe we could find another copy
of your dad's record.

Whoa!

Skeet, you're a genius!

We've got to get back online!

[Leonardo] And that was the summer
I studied abroad at the Sorbonne.

[Haughty but Nice] Mais oui, of course.

But what about you?

What is the real Leonardo like?

[Leonardo] Well, Judy, I'm probably just
like you imagine.

Hurry, my love. We really must be going.

Hold still, ma cherie.

You're breathtaking in this light.

But we're late for the premiere
of our performance piece,

Dances with Canvas.

Judy, my muse, when you
inspire me like this,

I must paint.

There. It is done.

Oh! Oh, let me see!

Oh! Oh, my!

It's genius. The real me!

The inner me! Oh, Leonardo! Mmm.

[Leonardo] Judy? Judy, are you there?

Huh?

[Haughty but Nice] Leonardo,

I know we've just met and only online,

but I feel as though
I've known you forever.

[Leonardo] Judy, I feel the same way.

We were destined to meet.

True soulmates, true soulmates.

That ought to get her.

Oh, Leonardo. You've made me so happy.

Excuse me for a moment.

I have to get some tissues.

Moo, you silver-tongued rascal.

You've won her heart,
and other related viscera.

It's odd.

Even though I have pined

for the lovely Judy Funnie for some time,

I can't help but feel
that in some small way,

I haven't been completely honest.

You mean the fact that you told her

you had two college degrees?

Or that you could paint like Raphael?

Or that you are 6'3" tall

with rippling muscles
over every inch of your body?

That's part of it.

[Haughty but Nice] Leonardo?

-[Leonardo] Judy, my muse.
-I'm back.

I've been thinking,

isn't it time we met
face to face?

[gasps] Aah.

Mayday, mayday!

Terminate, Moo!

Sign off.

No, I'm going to make a date.

Has your cerebellum
completely disintegrated?

She wants to meet Leonardo d'Warhol,

not Moo Sleech.

But when she finds out Leonardo is me,

she'll realize it was the inner man
she loved all along.

And that would be me, Moo Sleech.

This is sheer madness.

Ugh. I only hope this deranged moment

is not caused
by a genetically shared trait.

Judy, what a wonderful idea.

I know of a charming little bistro.

[Doug and Skeeter panting]

[Doug] Hurry.

Judy, quick! We need the computer! Ah!

Be my guest. Huh?

Don't you just love computers?

[Doug] I couldn't stop to find out

what had gotten into Judy.

We had to find a local used-record store
right away.

And after a few dead ends...

Friendly Frankie's used records?

I've never heard of it.

But look under new arrivals.

"She sat on my zither at the sit-in,

and oh, what a high note she hit."

That's incredible!

It's gotta be the only
other copy in the world!

We gotta get down there.

I have to get that record

before my dad finds out
I lost his only copy.

Anyway, Serenity,

even though I've only
talked to him online,

I'm sure that our date tomorrow

will confirm that we are soulmates.

Excuse me?

Uh-oh, trouble. Gotta go.

Young lady, you are most certainly

not going on a date with some stranger
you only know from the Internet.

Oh, Mother! Don't be so provincial.

Leonardo and I don't need
formal introductions.

We are soulmates.

He calls me his Judy Funnie Valentine.

Judy, you gave him your name?

I've been reading about this,

and Internet rule number one
is never give out personal information.

You never know who's on the other end.

If this boy wants to see you,

he'll have to come here
and meet your parents first.

Mom, how childish!

No, Judy. Your mother's right.

We have to meet this young man.

OK, fine. This is so bourgeois!

I know exactly what I'm doing!

[Haughty but Nice] Au revoir, Leonardo.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

that I can hardly wait till it be morrow.

Ah, ah. She wants me to meet the folks.

Oh, help me!

My animal magnetism
has led to doom yet again.

If we were to look up buffoonery
in the encyclopedia,

there would be a picture of you.

Your only hope is to do what generations
of Sleech men have done--

Consult... [reading]

Of course. Why didn't I think of that?

[mumbling] Ah! Chapter 17.

So, an older woman is taken with you.
Now what?

It suggests the way to an older girl's
heart is with lavish gifts.

Automobiles, jewelry, stock options.

Any hints there for a junior romeo

on a limited budget?

Only one. A record album
made many years ago

entitled Music To
Impress Older Women By.

Where are you going to find that?

[both] Hmm.

Wait a minute. You can
find anything online.

[Doug] Thanks for driving us,
Mr. Dink, Mayor Dink.

No problem, Douglas, my boy. Ha ha!

I needed a little break
from my work anyway.

Besides, you never know when you'll

find a very expensive
classic collector's item

in a used-record store.

Yes, and I've been searching
for an extremely rare recording--

"Joan of Arc Goes Acoustic."

We'll be in the next room, boys.

You boys gonna buy anything?

Well, sir, we're not sure.

We just got here.

Well, don't take all day!

This is a record store,
not a place to loiter.

Folk rock, folk, folk rock, alternative--

You know, "Friendly Frankie"

sure isn't very friendly.

Here it is!

She sat on my zither at the sit-in,

and, oh, what a high note she hit.

Phew. That's a relief.

Let's buy it and get-- huh?

There's mounting tape on the back

like it's been in a frame.

Hey, look, aren't these the same albums
that got stolen from us?

Exactly the same.

Those are Dirtbike's teething marks.

This is our stuff.

Webster, he must've sold 'em here.

We better tell Frankie they're stolen.

Um, excuse me. Mr. Frankie, sir?

Um, these records,

we're pretty sure they
were stolen from us.

What!

These albums are ours.

They were stolen by a kid named Webster.

What are you two talkin' about?

Friendly Frankie runs a honest store.

I'm sure, but we recognize these marks
on the covers.

And this single, I know it's ours
'cause it's very rare,

and not many copies--

Look, I don't know nothin'
about no stolen records,

I don't know any Webster.

And I never even heard
of any Beets Chat Room,

you crazy kids!

If you want those records,
you gotta buy 'em now or get out!

[telephone ringing]

Hello, Friendly Frankie's.

If he's never heard
of the Beets Chat Room,

how come he's the one who brought it up?

Yeah. We never said anything about it.

You think maybe
Friendly Frankie is Webster?

But that's impossible.

Webster's a kid.

That's what the computer said.

What if he just picked that computer
voice to fool us?

Maybe he was only pretending to be a kid

so he could just rip us off and-- Uh-oh.

Ha. Look at the time.

You know, we really should be, um...

Yeah. Um, we have to, um, uh...

And it has nothing to do

with you being a liar
or a crook or anything.

Ha ha. [gulps]

[Doug] Skeeter!

You kids aren't going anywhere.

[gulps]

[Doug] Mr. Dink, help!

[Mr. Dink] Is there a problem,
Mr. Friendly?

Huh? Who do you think you are?

He's my husband.

OK, so who do you think you are?

Me? I'm the mayor of Bluffington,

and I don't see a valid business license
displayed in your store.

Business license?

This is Mayor Dink.

Please get me the chief of police.

You, don't move!

Uh, sorry?

[Doug] Well, journal,

luckily everything turned out OK.

When the police came,
they arrested Friendly Frankie.

It turned out there were a lot
of stolen records in that store.

My dad got his record back,
and I got a lecture.

Now, I want you to promise me, Doug,

that something like this
will never happen again.

Believe me, Dad, I've learned my lesson.

I should hope so, little brother.

The Internet can be really great,
but you have to be careful.

You can never be sure
who you're dealing with.

Your father and I

have learned from this experience, too.

We're going to monitor what you do online
more closely from now on.

-Both of you.
-What? Me?

But I'm not a child.

Judy, you've been just
as careless as Doug.

Never. I know exactly
who I'm dealing with.

Leonardo's an artist, a poet.

He's open, honest, trustworthy,
and I know him as well as--

-[doorbell rings]
-Ah!

That's him now.

Mon amour, Leonardo.

Judy, ma cherie amour.

It is I, your Leonardo.

I brought you this lovely record.

Aaaaaah!

[thud]

[Moo] I guess she's not a music lover.

[Doug] When Judy finally recovered
from meeting "Leonardo,"

even she had to admit
that you don't always know

who you're talking to online.

Anyway, the dance was a big hit.

[rock music playing]

We never did get the Let It Beet album.

Come on, let's cut a rug.

But we managed to find a lot
of other great oldies on the Internet.

And Moo Sleech even loaned us

Music To Impress Older Women By.

[disco music plays]

Funny thing was, it seemed to work.

The Moo man strikes again!

[theme music playing]