07x31 - Doug's Marriage Madness

[bunniefuu]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop
Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

[whistling]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop ♪

And then you know what else--

[chuckles]

[growls]

Hey, hey!

[barking]

[whistling]

[groans]

[screaming]

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop du-bop ♪

[Wedding March playing]

[Bob White] Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today

To unite this beautiful,
athletic, fair-minded,

honest, thoughtful, intelligent girl

With this, uh...

average young person.

Now, if anyone knows of any reason

why these two
should not be joined in matrimony,

let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

[congregation] She's too good for him!

[together] She's too good for him!

-Too good for him!
-Too good.

You don't feel that way, do you, Patti?

Come to think of it, Doug,

I do, I do, I do!

Aah!

[creaking]

[whistling]

That's me.

[Doug] Dear, Journal,
why is it nothing ever stays the same?

Seventh grade's over,
and I'm about to turn 13,

as in... [gulps] teenager.

And Judy's packing up her new used car
to go away to college.

Aw, Porkchop,

I just got used to
the last big changes in my life,

and here come even bigger ones.

[barks weakly]

You know what I hate about change?

[voice breaking] it just keeps changing.

-[barks]
-Ahem. That-- That's funny.

Something must be wrong with my throat.

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop boop
Ba-ba-du-bop boo-doo-bop ♪

♪ Ba-ba-du-bop boop bop... ♪

[yelping]

[deep voice] That's me.

[Doug] And if that weren't enough,

Today PattI's dad is getting married
to my English teacher Miss Kristal.

They asked all us students
to be in their wedding,

and the whole town's
really excited about it.

[Mrs. Funnie]
Are you taking extra film, honey?

Yes, dear. I've got plenty.
I'm a professional, remember?

Aah!

That's it. Car's packed.

Escape from backwater bourgeois
Bluffington is mere hours away.

All that's left is my interpretive dance
farewell performance

at the wedding reception.

After the cheers of the crowd abate,
I'll wish the happy couple bon courage

and head off
to my new, mature, sophisticated life.

Yee-hah!

Very mature and sophisticated.

[Doug] Mom, dad, I have to go.

Skeeter and I have to be
at the church early.

Remember to stand up straight, mister.

It's quite an honor
to be part of somebody's wedding.

[man] The wedding reception platform
should be built out of wood.

After all, a good marriage is like a tree,
firmly rooted, but flexible.

[man 2] Metal! The stage should be metal!

A marriage should be strong,
forged of steel to last a lifetime!

-Wood!
-Metal!

-Wood!
-Metal!

We could compromise
and build it out of wood and metal.

What's compromise got to do with marriage?

Principal White, are you sure
everything is going to be ready in time?

It all looks so... not ready.

Miss Mayonnaise, it's been my experience

that these things are much more organized
when they're spontaneous.

Have you performed a lot of weddings?

Why, yes. In fact,
this one and two more will make three.

Speaking of which, maybe I'd better start
writing the ceremony.

[gulps]

Can't have a wedding
without one, now, can we?

Patti, are you OK?

No. Not one thing is ready,
and I can't do everything myself.

Will you please go check on my dad?
I've got to help Miss Kristal get dressed.

Oh... Isn't it beautiful?

Straight out of an Emily Bronte novel.

I'm her namesake, you know.

It's really beautiful.

Is it me, Connie,

or does that dress make you look
Like a bronte-saurus?

Get it? Heh!

Bronte-saurus? [laughing]

Monique, could you please
go help Miss Kristal?

-I need to go see my dad.
-Sure.

[indistinct laughter]

[Skeeter] Yeah, we do look
like waiters, don't we?

Whoa, look at me, dudes.
I'm, like... a dude.

Big deal!

I'm an officer and a gentleman.
Salute me, knaves!

According to
The Big Book of Dating for Boys,

weddings are the perfect opportunity

for encountering members
of the opposite sex.

That would be girls.

Doug? Is my dad doing OK?

Yeah. Sort of.

What do you mean, "sort of"?

The tuxedo place forgot his bow tie.

Oh, no!

Don't worry, Patti.
We'll go get one at the rental store.

There's plenty of time.

Thanks, Doug. You're a lifesaver.

Oh, and one more thing.

I'm acting as best man, er, um, best girl.
Well, best whatever.

My dress doesn't have any pockets,
and I'm afraid I'll lose the wedding ring.

Would you keep it till the ceremony?

Uh, I do.

I mean, I will. I--I mean,

OK. [chuckles awkwardly]

[Doug] "Tux r' Us"?

Wasn't this a toy store just last month?

See? Everything's changing.

It's out of control.

Well, there's one thing
that'll never change.

Your fear of change.

Hey, I'm not afraid of change.
I'm just... concerned.

[ice cream truck music playing]

Hey, Mr. Swirly,
Could we get a couple of Frothy Goats?

Why, sure. Coming right up.

Uh, so, Doug, you going to be ordering

the usual peanut-ty Buddy Triple
layer cake for your birthday,

or now that you're going to be a teenager,

do you want a Swirly Twirly teen cake
for a change?

Teen cake? [voice cracks] Change?

[Mrs. Funnie] Happy birthday, Douglas!

Look, we brought a cake!

[Mr. Funnie] And 13 candles, mister.

Sorry about the restraints, dear,

but you just can't be too careful
with teenagers.

Hormones, you know.

Wish we'd thought of this for Judy.

Uh...I'm not sure about that
teen cake, Mr. Swirly.

Right now we have to pick up a bow tie.

-See you!
-Thanks!

[Mr. Swirly] Bye now.

[Lamar Bone] I was told my yodeling group
was to provide the entertainment here.

Whoever heard of a brass band
at a wedding?

You never heard of a wedding march?

[Mr. Funnie] Over here, fellas. Smile.

Perfect.

One new bow tie coming up.

-You sure Mr. Mayonnaise has cufflinks?
-Yup.

-Socks? Cummerbund thingy?
-Yup. Yup.

And you've got the ring?

What do you think I am, some kind of--

[gasps]

Loser?

[Doug] Oh, it's no use.
The ring isn't here.

My life is over--

Ow! Oh!

Think. You put it in your pocket
at the church.

Did you take it out?

Oh, no!

I must've given it to Mr. Swirly
When I handed him the change!

Come on!
We got to catch that ice cream truck!

Let me see.

Dearly beloved registered voters...

-Huh.
-Mr. White, your videotape is ready.

Good and dandy. Let's take a look.

[upbeat music playing]

You know, Brad and Evelyn--

[male prompter] Chad and Emily!

Yeah. On this happy day,
I thought we'd revisit the special places

That served as a backdrop
for you two lovebirds.

A little video tour in rhyme
I like to call...

-Love...
-[chorus] ♪ love ♪

-Blooms...
-♪ Blooms ♪

In Bluffington.

Ain't that sweet?

It was here at this school,
on this lovely street

that the two of you teachers
were destined to meet.

Hey, we must've just missed Mr. Swirly.

So what's next on his route?

-Hey!
-[gasps]

Yaah!

Oh, man!

Doug, are you all right?

Pretty much.

Come on! We got to find that ring!

[man]
It's called wedding caterer in a can.

Ha ha! Very expensive.

Will it make those tasty little weenies

on those, uh,
purty little, uh, you know, stick things?

Toothpicks?

Yeah. Toothpicks.

We can only hope and pray.

Here at Chez Honque,
you had your first date

where you both enjoyed
the food on your plate.

Brakes gone! Can't stop!

Yaaah!

[crashing]

Oh, man!

[Doug] Sorry. My fault. Excuse me. Sorry.

[in French accent]
No cravat, no jacket, No service.

Doesn't this count?

[mocks dismissively]

I liked this place a lot better
when it was Honkerburger.

Hey, man, you know
you have a bucket on your head?

Uh-huh. It happened when I crashed
through the dining room

and popped a wheelie into the kitchen.

You mind helping me get it off?

Sure, man.

[grunting]

What are we going to do?
My bike's a goner.

Hey, I got an idea, man. Ha!

I hope the new couple enjoys my little--

[indistinct bleating]

Oh!

[indefinite accent] Excuse me,
this is not being good.

It certainly is not.

Yes, because bride should be the first
to be feeding

the traditional Yakastonian wedding goat.

[bleating]

Please, be offering him no more snacks.

Hmpf!

Hmpf? What means this?

Giving a nice gift
is almost as nice as getting one.

I'll bet they love my toaster oven.

Huh! They'll probably get
a million toaster ovens.

That are solid gold with emerald knobs
in the shape of my head?

I don't think so.

That's nothing
compared to what I got them. You'll see.

-Oh, yeah? Well, what is it, Mr. Big sh*t?
-I, uh, I...

Got to go polish my sword.

[both] And done.

[Judy] Not so fast! You call this a stage?

It's so puny!

[both] Huh?

See? When my shell opens,

I must have room
to spread my wings and soar!

And where is my follow spot?

Huh! Deliver me.

[old time music playing]

Ha ha ha!

Yes! Hoo ha!

I could never resist chopped liver
in the shape of a swan.

[clanking]

Hmm?

Looks like it needs a little adjustment.
Uh-oh!

Wha--whoa! Whoah!

Hit the deck!
This bad boy is going to blow!

[Bob White]
Chad was nervous and ate an antacid

before he proposed in this place
that's so placid.

No! No! No!

[whimpering]

[Skeeter] Mr. Swirly's not here, man.

Aah...aah...

Oh... Whoa!

Whoaaah!

-Hey, man, you OK?
-Yeah. Perfect.

Except I'm soaked,
and it's time for the wedding to start.

I'll just have to tell Patti
I lost the ring.

Hey, wait!

No, that's not it.

[laughing, talking]

[Bob White]
So, after today, you'll be man and wife.

Loving companions
and sweethearts for life.

Just remember one thing
in your wedded perfection.

Vote for Bob White in the coming election.

♪ Vote for Bob White ♪

Isn't that the most touching tribute
you have ever... Oh...

[male caterer] Coming at you!

Guard your eyes, people! Whoa!

Watch it!

This puppy's out of control!

[bleating]

Oh! Sorry!

[instruments playing in turn]

Aah! Ohh!

Sorry!

This is what happens when you try to work
with non professionals!

Oh, yeah, Mr. Too-big- for-your-britches
band boy,

You want a piece of me? Come over here!

Get your hands off--

[brawling]

I am reborn as a butterfly...

I fall.

[brawling continues]

-You can't keep telling me--
-I can tell you this.

[arguing indistinctly]

I told you that the stage was too small.

How can I be expected to create
under these conditions?

It's so unprofessional!

[Patti] Quiet!

[exclaiming]

You guys, what's going on here?

This place is a mess,
and it's time for the wedding to start.

It's not as bad as it looks.

Uh, we just need a few crackers.

Not bad? How could it get any worse?

Huh?

-[helicopter approaching]
-Huh?

It's here! My wedding gift!

His-and-her grand pianos,

coming extra-special delivery.

[pianos playing]

-Aah!
-Incoming!

Perfect.

[indistinct chattering]

-Hey, Patti.
-Doug. Where have you been?

Don't ask.

What happened to the tent?

Don't ask.

Thanks, Doug. Just in time.

[organ plays]

-Quick, the ring.
-Patti...

I lost it.

What? You didn't!

[groans]

You did. How could you?

I don't know.
One minute I had it, and the next--

There's no time for that now.
Everyone's waiting for us. Come on.

♪ Welcome to the wedding ♪

♪ Now let's begin ♪

[Wedding March plays]

Oh, Miss Kristal looks beautiful,
and her nieces are so cute.

[sniffles]

Dearly beloved registered voters,

welcome to
the little church of the tiny chapel.

We are gathered together here today...

Uh...

For some reason.

I'm sure of it.

I...uh...

Nervous.

Dizzy...

Fainting...catch me...

Oh!

[Kristal gasps] Oh!

Principal White, get up!
You've got to do the ceremony!

[Doug] He's not getting up!

Oh, anguish absolute,
as Emily Dickinson once said.

This is a disaster!

I'll say! Who's going to pay
to get this paté out of my pants?

Yeah! That machine's a menace!

But it was very expensive.

You should not have been giving snacks.

That tent nearly did me in, you twit!

[everybody clamoring]

It'll be all right, Emily.
I don't know what's wrong with everybody.

Yeah, what's wrong with everybody?

[Doug] What's wrong with everybody?

I said, what is wrong with everybody?

-Huh?
-What?

Uh...heh...

Um...

Excuse me, but...

We aren't here to fight.
We're all friends, aren't we?

I rode all over town today,
and everywhere I went,

I saw how many things had changed
since I moved here.

Like our school and the Honkerburger,

And I remembered what didn't change,

how everyone around here
cares about each other.

I mean, I kind of think of all of you
as being like a big family.

My teachers,

my friends,

my neighbors.

You always try to help me out
when things go bad, like they did today.

See, I, uh...

Lost the wedding ring.

[all gasping]

And I feel terrible about that.

I didn't even want to show up.

But then I realized
that weddings aren't just about rings

or food or music.

They're about two people coming together
to start a new life

with the help of their friends and family.

Now Miss Kristal,
Mr. Mayonnaise, and Patti

don't have anyone to perform the ceremony,

so they could really use
some help right now,

and I think we're just the people
to give it to them.

[crickets chirping]

Uhh...

[voice breaking] Aren't we?

Ahem-hem!

Well, during our wedding,

the minister said something
I'll never forget.

"From this day forward,
your burdens will seem lighter

for you'll face them together."

"And your joys will seem greater,
for you'll share them together,

No matter how expensive."

Marriage is about sharing all you have.

All that you are.

'Cause you'll cherish
and protect each other.

And nurture each other's creativity.

And you'll grow old together.

And support each other emotionally.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"

Dr. Hugs! I've got a prescription.

Fill it with love.

In sickness and in health...

For richer or for p--uh...

The other icky thing.

And love each other no matter what
forever and ever.

Wow! Marriage sounds like
it's a lot harder than I thought.

Do you think you can do all that?

-I can.
-And I will.

-And I do.
-And I do, too.

Hey, look, the ring!

[all] Aww.

-[all cheering]
-Yeah!

And with the power vested in me
as your ex-mayor and all that other stuff,

I now pronounce you husband and, oh, wife.

Oh!

[Doug] It didn't turn out to be
The fanciest wedding ever,

but it had to be the best.

And as for my big sister,

I never thought I'd say this,

But even with all our differences,

and believe me,
Judy and I had our differences,

I was going to miss
having a sister to talk to.

[baby] Da...

Dirtbike?

Doug.

Dirtbike!

You said your first word!
I'm your first word!

Listen, everybody! Dirtbike's first word!

[all] Huh?

[razzing]

[all laughing]

According to
The Big Book of Dating for Boys,

the reception is our best bet
for meeting girls.

Hey! Watch where you are going!

Moo, look!

It's The Big Book of Dating...

For Girls!

[both chuckling] Thirty-seven.

[both] 37.5!

[all laughing]

I wanted to thank you, Doug.
You saved the whole ceremony.

You were wonderful!

Me? Uh...

[Mr. Funnie] Doug, Patti, smile!

I was thinking, the Summer Harvest
Moon Festival Is coming up soon.

Maybe I should ask you out on a date-date.

Finally. For a change.

-Sure.
-OK.

A date-date.

[Doug] Well, Journal,

I guess changes will be the only thing
about my life that doesn't change.

It's what makes us different from rocks,

But now that I think about it,
it's pretty exciting.

Something's wrong with my voice,
but I'm sure that'll be better soon.

Judy's off at college,
and Dirtbike is talking.

I even have a date-date
with Patti Mayonnaise.

You know what, Journal, I look--

Hey!

That was the last line of the last page.

My journal's all filled up.

Hmm? For me?

An early birthday gift?

A brand-new journal!

Thanks, Porkchop.

How did you know?

Wow, Porkchop,
There's a lot of blank pages in here.

Who knows what big, giant changes
we'll fill them up with?

So long, everybody. It's been fun.

Your friend forever, Doug.

[theme music playing]