- Quick, quick, quick!
Come on, come on, come on!
Oh my god, oh my god!
Quick! Quick!
Oh no! f*ck's sake.
Oh my god!
Okay, f*ck it! f*ck it!
Go! Go!
Oh, the f*cking wankers.
- Hey!
- Oink, oink, oink.
- f*cking wankers.
- Bye!
- Hello beautiful people.
Today we are talking about
a very exciting upcoming.
- It's our biggest yet.
It's our biggest heist yet.
- Biggest heist yet.
- And it's gonna be so sick.
- Tackling those
capitalist bastards.
Taking them down.
- We're just teasing you.
We're just teasing you.
- So good, can't wait.
- It's gonna be so good.
- Gonna look so sick.
- What the
f*ck is this guy doing?
- Oh my God.
What does he think he is?
- You can't park there, mate.
- Alright sweetheart.
Don't get emotional about it.
Come on.
- What the f*ck? Did
he just call me emotional?
Come on!
Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick!
Wait, wait.
- Oh sh*t! Oh sh*t!
- How do you
f*cking drive an a*t*matic?
- I don't know!
- Oh! Oh!
- On.
- Yes, sick.
Yo, team.
- And here, okay.
This is on.
- Selfies!
- Ah, oh look. There she is!
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Do I actually look good? Yeah?
- Yeah, babes.
You look, of course you look flawless.
- Oh, as do you, honey.
- Oh, thank you, yeah.
- We always slay and no one
knows how pretty we are.
f*ck! Sorry guys.
- I'd rather that than
be in jail there, babes.
Oh God.
- Oh, it's just gorgeous isn't it?
- Do you know what I love around here?
- What?
- The fresh air.
I can't get enough of it.
- Yeah.
And you can actually tell the difference.
- Yeah.
- Do you know what I wanna do?
I wanna taste the water. The tap water.
- Oh yeah, the tap water.
I wanna wash my hair.
- Yeah. And then it goes all nice.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- It goes softer doesn't it?
- And we will do that.
Don't make the same mistake
- On a very empty road.
- I don't know how
anyone lives around here.
Like, all you see is leaves.
- Leaves and sheeps.
- Leaves and sheeps.
- Leaves and sheeps,
and leaves and sheeps.
Oh wow. Look at this.
Look at these flowers on this wall.
Okay. I didn't get any of
that. You drove so fast.
- Sorry.
I'm sorry, lovey.
- Speeding!
- Ah!
- You're gonna get a
speeding ticket, babe.
- Oh my God. Did that
boy reply by the way?
- No.
- I knew it!
- I know.
- Sack him off.
- I know.
- No, it was like
actually boring, you know?
- Do you know what? He was
a really bad kisser as well.
- Yeah, I can-
- You know?
- Yeah, thin lips.
- Straight with the,
straight in with the tongue and the teeth.
- Oh, with the teeth?
- Yeah, I know.
- I think, why are you
kissing me with your teeth?
- I know!
- But why? What are you doing?
Get your teeth outta
my f*cking mouth, mate.
Ow. Ow.
- Yeah, to be fair.
Do you remember Johnny?
- I do remember Johnny.
- He did-
- I f*cking hated Johnny.
Sorry,
- Well, he messaged me the other day.
- Why?
- He messaged me the other day.
because obviously, babe, why do you think?
I mean-
- I thought that was done, man.
- I know, same. But he's really hot.
This is my dilemma.
- The thing is Johnny is ridiculously fit.
- He is so fit!
- Oh!
- I know, I know.
- His eyes. Yeah.
- Leave a comment below if
you have any fuckboy stories
because we love hearing about those.
- Or a soft boy. I think they're worse.
- Soft boys are worse.
- Because at least like,
with a fuckboy, you know.
I know you are a fuckboy.
What was that?
- What? I thought I was a squirrel.
Oh, thank god!
I thought it was,
I thought it was one like, long rabbit.
It was a stick, guys.
- City chicks don't know what we're doing
out in this country life.
- It's a bit mad.
- Look at it.
It's beautiful, to be fair.
- That's so pretty.
How do they do all those patches of field?
Is it like they different
people own a different patch?
- Um...
- Alright. Hey Jeff, Sam.
Cool, cool, cool.
So we're here at last.
What a f*ck morning we've had!
But it's good. It's good.
Emma and-
- Matt.
- Matt, thank you.
Have just arrived and
they're getting ready.
So we are gonna be sh**ting soon.
So I'm just doing this little
video content diary thing now
'cause you wanted it.
Can you just tell Yuen by the way?
Absolutely aced it on the
location. So pass that on.
So just for reference, is
it gonna be black and white?
We're gonna sh**t it Super 8.
Let the clients know
there is gonna be black and white. Yeah?
'Cause you're about to see a pink house.
But obviously it's not
gonna look like that.
So this is what we're gonna do.
This is what we're thinking
as our establishing.
We get 'em coming down
the drive. They come out.
We are like, country
house. Gorgeous, lovely.
Ooh, sexy, sexy, sexy.
Very French vibes.
And then, you know what?
I'm not sure whether I
like the car idea anymore.
I just think it's gonna look
like a f*cking car advert.
- Yeah, okay.
Nick's car, we put 'em on bikes
and they come in from
down there on bicycles.
- No, 'cause that's literally gonna look
like we're taking the
piss outta the French.
I mean like that is
literally, that is a step away
from f*cking baguettes
and berets, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah. Well-
- So we're gonna go low
and sort of left round.
They'll come, camera left
and we'll just do real classic Godard,
like Bosch, Bosch, Bosch.
Just go in, in, in
until we're like, close.
And actually I think that's gonna look
quite sort of Wes vibes as well.
- Yeah.
- What doesn't now?
- Nice.
- Really, really warm out.
- We can get them. Get them in there.
We just can't have them
playing tennis, obviously.
We can't have Matt playing tennis.
- What do you mean?
- Because he is going on
to whatever it's called,
thingy, thingy number eight or whatever.
So any sort of injuries
or whatever, we like-
- Oh, the um...
- It's just not worth.
- You were talking about
that action thing that he...
- Yeah, the endless franchise.
But if he gets injured then
we've screwed aren't we?
So I think.
- Yeah, no I know insurance
won't cover it. Okay.
- We can get 'em on there.
We just have the mic-
- Fine, no.
What we're gonna do is we're
gonna go real Godard on it.
So we're gonna jump cut again, do that.
But like the closeups
on sort of, you know,
hands and a tennis racket and...
- Sure, sure.
- You know like, nice.
Yeah, like just do you know little kind of
that could, I think that
could be quite cool.
- Also Tori,
what if they're rowing?
- Hattie, I like that.
- Hattie, no, no.
- I think that's good.
- Not with Emma.
Thank you though, Hattie.
- What do you mean?
- Water on boats, in boats.
Anywhere near water or anything like that.
She can't do or won't do,
one of the many things,
it's in the contract.
- Did you know that?
- No.
- Well, it's just not worth.
It's just not worth even
playing with it, I think.
- Get rid of that f*cking sign
'cause that's gonna ruin the sh*t.
- What do you mean get some breeze, Tor?
- What?
- Well, no,
so we get the blossom
coming through the trees.
- A wind machine?
- Like a wind machine?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- We are starting like, now.
- Okay.
- Shall I?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Find out if they're ready.
- Umbrellas 'cause
it's starting to rain.
- Cool.
- Just having a little respite at the pub.
- Games?
- You looking
through all the games.
Oh my god, babe, have you seen this?
- Wow.
- Rules of the inn.
- Whoa!
- No thieves, fakirs,
rogues or tinkers.
No skulking, loafers
or flea-bitten tramps.
- What the f*ck?
- No slap and tickle, no banging,
no dogs allowed in the kitchen.
No cock fighting.
- Oh no!
- No!
Flintlocks, cudgels.
- Cudgels.
- Daggers and swords.
- Dagger, dagger,
hand it in to the innkeeper.
- This one's you!
- Oh my god.
Cast out all witches and devils.
- That have lately
annoyed these parts.
- With several grievous
molestations.
- Molestations.
- And curiosities.
- Molestations, molestations.
- Some councils directing
a due improvement of the terrible things
lately occurring in this neighbourhood
by the unusual and amazing
range of evil spirits.
And they're talking about you, hon.
Let's talk about you.
Let's talk about you.
- Huh? What, what, what?
What, what?
- Let's go.
- Oh, excuse me.
It's camera-ception. Ooh!
- Why is that car slowing down?
- Sorry.
- That was "Inception."
- That was "Inception?"
- Great film.
- Thanks babe.
- So good.
I reckon we can go home now.
Oh, where the f*ck are we?
We're making a U-turn.
- I think, well we see the blue dot.
- Look at the map.
Why is, what's it doing that?
- Hey, keep your eyes on the road.
- f*ck!
- Thank you.
- I'm afraid do that.
- Oh no, it's lost us now.
- We exist though.
It's recognising that we're somewhere.
What's that?
- Crow.
- Crow.
- Crows freak me out.
You know crows have a really good memory.
- They have memories?
- Yeah.
- What are using their memory for?
They're just a bird.
What? I don't...
No, you know what I mean.
- What are they using their memory for?
- What?
- I dunno.
- Why would they need memory?
- I dunno, babe.
Because they can remember up to like,
three faces or like four faces or-
- Oh, so they can be pets.
- I don't know.
Something like that.
- That's why they need
it, so they can be pets.
- Yeah. So they can be domesticated.
- Why do they need to
know faces? To k*ll us?
I think birds are,
crows, crows want to k*ll us then
and they verbose their memories.
- They'll get us!
- I'm sweating.
- I'm sweating my balls off.
- Oh!
- That's just hot, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- It's meant to be AC.
- It's fine. It's a breeze.
Is that g*ns?
- Yeah, it is.
What are they sh**ting?
What do they sh**t out here?
- I don't know.
- Pheasants?
- Sheep?
- No, they don't, they don't
just go around sh**ting sheep!
No, that's not real is it?
- I don't know!
- Oh no, is it?
- I don't know!
- What do people do out here, man?
This is where death happens.
- She rolls out the poster, doesn't she?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And she's like...
- Perfect reference. Yeah.
- Okay, great.
- So yeah, maybe actually,
maybe should we just,
maybe we'll just sh**t
one of those anyway.
- Yeah, great.
- Great.
Just like get a poster
and then just throw it up.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
- Can we see if they are ready?
And once you've got 'em in.
- Yeah.
- Obviously small space.
So clear out.
And if you could just
have a quick whizz round
on the property trying find
a properly decent spot with wifi.
- Yes.
- There's nothing.
- What's this?
- Still nothing.
- Yeah.
- We just have a little issue
with the wifi in the building.
It must be the stone.
I think it's just a technical thing
'cause they said it was-
- What is it? Is it dropped out?
- It's dropped out completely for now.
For the moment.
- Yeah.
- But it should be fine.
- But all the stuff that
we already sh*t though.
You've already sent that over.
That went fine. Yeah?
- No, yeah. No, no, not yet.
It's all downloaded and ready to go.
I think it's just-
- Wait. What, what, what?
No, no, no, no.
What? So like the clients
haven't seen anything yet?
- Not yet.
- Not yet.
- What the f*ck?
- Yeah.
But Hattie's gonna get out there
and just find a proper spot.
- No, you have to give the...
We, that's the whole point.
That's why we had that
f*cking break thing.
We were-
- Yeah.
- They were meant to see it.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Give me the thumbs up.
- And they will.
And they will see it.
- They promised us that
the wifi was super duper,
but it's not.
- Yeah.
- So it probably isn't for today.
- Is that all we've gotten for today?
- Hattie's gonna go reboot everything
and she'll find the spot for it.
- Yes.
- And it'll be over.
- Right, right, right.
- Right, can you go and?
- Right, let's just get on with it.
- Them long a little bit now.
- Yes, sure.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, so no problem at all.
We might as well just keep sh**ting.
Nothing you can do about
that and all of sudden-
- No, yeah.
- Turn it around.
- I just f*cking hope that
we're on the right path.
- We are.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, of course we are.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Of course we are.
- Okay, okay, cool, cool.
- You know exactly what you're doing.
- I think it's coming up.
We have to pull over now.
- Can you please?
Yeah, I actually really do feel
like I'm gonna piss myself.
- Oh my God. Yes, fine.
I will pull over. Oh my god.
Okay, I'll pull right here actually.
- This is perfect.
Perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect.
- Okay?
- Yeah. I'll be really quick.
- Indicate, indicate.
- Really quick.
- You can go pee in the sheep pen.
Is it a pen? Paddock?
- Paddock.
- Oh my god.
There's an eagle. What is that?
- Oh my god!
- Oh my god!
- Okay. I don't have time for this.
- Okay, great. Right.
- You keep watch, babe.
Stay safe while I'm gone.
Don't miss me too much.
- I think take the camera.
- What?
- Take the camera.
- Really?
- Yeah, just film everything.
B-roll, B-roll.
- Okay, great.
- I'll make sure the-
- Whatever.
- Sick.
- Oh my god. I'm gonna piss myself.
f*cking hell, okay.
Here you are, babe.
Prime spot to watch me wee.
Oh.
Ah.
Hey Lou. You enjoying this?
Weirdo.
I'm sure this is really what
our viewers want. Hey babe?
Just a nice sh*t to watch me wee.
Oh my God. It's a sheep!
Oh, hey babe.
- It's so quiet.
Oh, hurry up.
Maybe I need to wee.
Do you need to wee?
I don't need to wee.
- Ugh.
Ridiculous!
To Lou's mom and to my mom.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
I'm so sorry.
Jokes! Right.
I'm coming back to you, babes.
I'm on my way!
- Where the f*ck is my selfie stick?
Maybe he chewed on it.
That's really weird.
Where is it?
You f*cking twat!
Oh, you twat!
Oh my god!
- Whew!
Ugh, you do not understand
how hard it was to crawl
across that whole road.
- Ah, you did something
to my heart. Let's go.
- Ha, ha, ha.
Do you know where we're going?
- You're such a twat.
Okay.
- I'm getting to that like, silly point.
I really f*cking need a coffee.
Where are the caterers?
- Well, we will send Hattie
there and then she's-
- Hi.
- Hello, any news?
- Yeah, they're coming.
- Hey.
- Hey, Em.
- How are you?
- Gorgeous. Beautiful, beautiful.
Fantastic.
- How are you? All ready?
- Feeling good?
- Pretty good.
- Yeah?
- Let's do. Let's do this.
Hattie, have you got the brush?
- Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Can you give that to Em?
Lovely. Lovely.
You're gonna be over here.
- Hey Matt, how you doing?
- Hi. Good. Good. Good.
- Hi. Hi.
- How's it going?
- Good.
- Are you guys both okay?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really good.
- Nice.
- Okay, so let's get going.
You can you move in a little bit? Yeah.
So what we're gonna do...
- Is this?
- No, well-
- No, closer. Just a little bit closer.
Yep. Yeah, so nice.
'Cause what I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna get Em in the reflection
and come over and get
this lovely profile here.
Okay. Yeah?
- So with this look, what, what do we,
this is quite a close proximity
to have a scene, isn't it?
- Yes.
Well, in reference to obviously
the original inference.
Yes, yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what are we feeling about touching?
- Intimacy.
- Intimacy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We need to have one of
those chats about that.
- Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
- I don't want to-
- What do you guys feel comfortable with?
- What are you comfortable with?
- Well, obviously we're not,
you know, it's modern day.
- Yeah, yeah.
- So you have to take it
through that lens, don't we?
- Yeah, a hundred percent,
a hundred percent.
- So it's like, dulled down a lot.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I mean, definitely
no ass touching, right?
- Are we not there yet in the
relationship, do you think?
- No.
- No ass touching.
- I just think demographic wise-
- A bit sort of pesty.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Fine. Fine. Fine.
- Yeah, I think that's fine.
- Why would you ask that anyway?
- Just because it's about
two people coming together
and testing the boundaries
of the intimacy, isn't it?
- Yeah, what about small of back?
Why don't we?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That's fine.
- That's like a medium.
- Is that okay with you?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Great, and sort of shoulder.
Sorry.
- That's fine. Yeah.
- Shoulders and maybe
a little? Do we think?
Does this look?
- I think that's, yeah.
I think, don't worry about that.
This is, it's this, is this.
So yeah, that's gonna,
that's gonna be good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Nice, yeah.
- Okay.
- But we're gonna start with the eyebrows
'cause I love.
- Yeah, I love that too.
I think it's such a nice bit to get in.
- Yeah, definitely
Start with the eyebrows.
Small of the back. Great, okay.
- Great.
- Alright.
So let's go for one.
- What?
- Nothing. Nothing.
- So, camera rolling.
And action!
Yeah, lovely. Matt, can you?
- There you go!
- Let's give a bit of space
so I can get this eyebrow bit, lovely.
Yep. Little bit less.
Yeah. Okay, nice.
That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Great. Lovely.
- Yeah, that's better.
- Is it?
- Matty.
- Yeah. Into that reflection.
Yeah. Nice.
And oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
That's great, guys. Okay.
Small of the back. That's nice.
Yeah. Lovely, lovely.
Yep. Little bit less.
Yeah. Okay, nice.
- More like this?
Gonna go and get sorted, I saw something.
- Hey Matt? Matt?
- Like, oh yeah, cut.
- Thank you.
You okay?
- I'm okay.
- What did, what happened?
- I dunno.
I like, tapped him with my brush.
- Yeah, I guess it's one of those things
you should like, talk through
first or something like that.
- Oh maybe.
- Yeah.
But I thought we were just improvising.
- Yeah.
- I think don't worry about it.
Honestly, don't worry about it.
It's, you know, it's a
long day for everyone.
So we're all good. We're all good.
Don't worry. Honestly, it looked great.
- Yeah?
- It looked absolutely brilliant.
- I've got it. It's in the can.
So we're, you know.
- So we don't have to do that again?
- No, no. It's in the can.
I think that's, I think we can move on.
- We found a little village,
which is a bit creepy and very quiet.
- Very quiet.
- And they have a shop.
So I'm gonna go in and ask for directions.
- Mm.
I'm sorry.
It's just a bit, it's just
really weird and creepy.
- That's why I'm gonna go in.
You can stay here and stay all safe.
If I die though and you
let me go in on my own.
Oh my God. I'm just gonna do it.
- Be careful!
- Don't die. What if you die out here?
- Okay, I'm getting out.
- Okay.
- Oh!
- Okay.
- It is, it is very quiet.
There might not be anyone there.
- We'll just knock on the
door and see if, okay.
See if they're in.
I'll leave you to that, babes.
I'll survey the area.
- Get some B-roll.
- Okay.
Right, okay.
Oh my God. What is this little shack?
No. Oh, that's so cold!
Oh my God.
Absolutely not. No.
She's seen better days, hasn't she?
Oh my God. I didn't even notice the cows!
Oh!
Here you will see the
majestic bottom of a cow.
Oh, is he just on his own?
Oh, little baby.
The flowers.
What the f*ck is this?
Oh my God!
What?
- No, it's me.
- Babe, that is so weird!
Oh!
- So apparently there's this,
there's this like, local myth, like a cult
and they just flog these off to tourists.
- Oh my God. It's vile.
I'm obsessed.
- Yeah. Yeah, I love it.
It's kind of cheap.
- It's giving, yeah.
- I also got us these.
- Oh, I want those ones!
- Okay.
Yeah, they said "Follow the
road," in a Welsh accent.
- Right, okay.
"Follow the road."
- Oh, what's happened?
- That's actually a horrible sound.
Turn that off please.
Okay, let's get the intro done.
- Can we do that later?
I just wanna get there, figure
out what's what and then-
- No 'cause of continuity
'cause like we should do it
now while we look like this.
Afterwards, you know,
you'll probably spill food
down your top or something.
- Okay.
- You always do that.
- Shady.
Fine. Do it to that one.
- Okay.
And three and two and one.
- Well, hello fellow heisters.
I'm Thea and this is Louise.
- Yo.
- And welcome to our brand new-
- You are gonna hate me,
but should we just do Thelma and Louise?
- No!
- Why?
- Because I don't like it!
- But I'm already Louise.
- I literally said this
so many times, babe.
- Why? I think it's
called Thelma and Louise.
Thelma and Louise.
- No, I don't want to, I like Thea
and I wouldn't make you change your name.
- Fine. Take two and
three and two and one.
- Well, hello fellow heisters.
I'm Thea. This is Louise.
And welcome to our brand new
episode of "They Deserve It."
And if they don't.
- f*ck it anyway.
- Yes, and in this episode
we're gonna be posing
as sweet little caterers at
a wanky commercial sh**t.
- Oh my God, Lou!
- What do we do?
- I dunno. What do we do?
- Oh, f*cking f*ck!
I won't go there.
- Yeah. Do you think you can?
- Yeah, I reckon.
All right, let's try.
Okay, we've got this.
All right, babe.
- Oh my God. It's tight.
- Oh no! Oh!
- Okay.
Why don't you let him come pass? Yep.
- Sick. Thank you guys.
Thank you.
Oh, they hate us.
I think they don't like us.
- Or maybe 'cause we're
filming them.
- Why are they judging us?
It's just a selfie stick.
- Love you.
- Love you, bye!
Love you, bye!
- Okay.
- And in this-
Oh.
- If you can't find it, grind it.
- And in this episode, guys,
we are gonna be posing as
sweet little catering staff
at some wanky commercial sh**t, okay?
And this is where they're like,
"Oh, look at us living our best lives.
"And we're so cool.
"And you guys are so lame
and your lives are so sh*t.
"And you spend all your
money to look like us."
- Yeah.
- It's a load of sh*t.
It's a load of wank.
Don't believe in things.
- It's all a scam, people.
So we're gonna get in there,
we're gonna get our
thieving little hands on.
- Yes!
- Designer clothes, camera equipment.
- Yes!
- Expensive tea.
Who knows what's gonna be there?
- Okay, yeah.
And then what we're gonna do
is we're gonna sell everything
and donate the money to food banks
because they're who actually need it.
- And guys, you'll be glad to know
that we have got loads
of cameras for this.
We are gonna be putting body cams on.
- Yes.
- We're gonna have full
coverage of the whole house.
- We will not miss a thing.
- Nothing!
- It's gonna be completely covered.
- It's gonna be so sick!
- Spy cams galore, guys!
- Woo!
- Whee!
- Okay. It's gotta be up here.
We just follow the road.
- Well, we have
absolutely no signal.
- And no other choice.
- And no other choice.
- Pothole, boom.
- Oh,
- Oopsy. Bad driving.
- We don't care.
- Winding.
Oh God. Hurry up.
This road is long.
Oh my god!
Shall I reverse?
- Hello, mate. Hello!
- Hello!
- Put the window down.
- Hi!
- I think I just
felt a drop of rain.
- Go for it.
- Okay. Camera rolling.
And action!
Nice and throws. Yes.
Great. Lovely.
Okay, cut.
Nice, nice, nice. We've got that.
I've got the wide.
Yeah, I think it's
actually starting to rain.
- Oh, right.
- Can we cut?
Can I, can I get some water?
This stuff's disgusting.
- Yeah.
- Oh, of course.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Can I get, can I get a coffee?
- Yeah.
- Is that okay?
- Coffee. Two.
- Black. No milk.
One sugar. Thanks.
- Let's just push in
'cause I'm a little bit
worried about the rain, yeah?
- Yeah, okay.
- So back to one.
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
- Exactly the same, guys.
Just, I'm just a little bit closer.
Okay?
- I'm gonna give it again.
- Yeah, great. It's perfect.
So yeah. Great.
Camera rolling. And action!
- Sorry, Tori. Sorry.
- Yes!
- Cut!
- Are you kidding me?
Seriously?
- Sneak.
- What is this?
- Sorry, guys.
- Really?
- Still not here yet.
- They're still not here?
- Yeah. What the?
- Okay.
We'll just get, go in the car now
and maybe just drive to the shop.
Stick it in the sat nav.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's go.
- Yep.
- What kind?
- Just anything.
Anything you can get.
- Get gluten-free. Gluten-free.
- Okay, bye.
- Yep.
- Quick as you can.
- Bye, Hettie.
- Thanks, Hattie.
- Hattie? Is her name Hattie?
- Yeah, it's Hattie.
- Coffee?
- Yeah. It's all good, guys.
- Okay, right. Great. Cool.
I think that, I think we got that.
Yeah?
- I think so.
- Great.
- Okay.
- Nice one.
- Let's get inside.
Set up for the backgammon scene.
- Okay. Cracking.
- Cheers.
- Thank you, guys.
- Look, location sign.
That means we're actually getting close.
- Okay.
Does it?
- Oh, we're there.
- Loc.
- Do we look a bit?
- No, babe.
Honest to God, we'll be fine.
Just keep it cool.
Play it understated.
- Yeah.
- They won't suspect a thing.
- Look, that's it. Look,
it's pointing there.
That's it. No? That's it.
- Should we go in?
- No one's here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Okay.
- Oh my.
- Is there anyone there?
- This is insane.
- Whoa.
Okay, so we have arrived
at a slightly creepy
but very large mansion.
- Babe, this is really quiet.
- It is a bit quiet.
- Are you sure it's legit?
- It is legit.
Yeah, it's legit.
Belle told me about it.
- Belle told you about it?
- Yeah, but she, it's a proper agency.
It is.
- Belle told you about it.
Then it's probably okay. Isn't it?
- I like Belle.
- Okay, cool.
- She's my best friend.
- Ha ha! Ha ha ha!
I think that was a crow.
- Okay, that's fine. It's fine.
- Alright, well.
- Okay. Ready?
Remember guys, respect the
patriarchy and follow it.
- Because that is our mantra.
- Oh! I like that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Keeping that. Keeping that one.
Okay, let's do it.
Shh, shh.
This is wild.
Ooh!
Getting you lots food.
Wait, we should actually...
- Oh yeah, you're right.
- Oh.
Can you take that?
- Yep.
Okay.
- Okay.
- It's really quiet.
- Yeah. Okay, babe.
Just remember, everything's on.
- You done?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?
- Is that good?
What about that one?
- Yeah?
- Sick.
- Okay. Cool, babe.
Remember we're caterers, right?
Keep it nice and boring.
- Just yeah.
- Hello.
- We need to be like, invisible.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, nobody
remembers caterers anyway.
- Yeah, yeah. We're lowest of the low.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Alright.
- Right. You got that?
Here we go.
This is mad! It's crazy!
What is that?
- Ew.
- Oh my god!
- Okay.
Hello?
- Oh, this is mad.
- Hello?
- Babe, they're
not gonna hear that.
- Hello?
- Whoa! Thea!
- Hello?
- Shh!
f*ck, we're meant to be invisible, mate.
- Nobody's here.
- Okay. Whoa!
- Ooh. Easy, easy.
Someone's had a little party.
- Jackpot.
- Oh my god!
- Oh my god!
- Oh my god! Oh my god!
- Okay, let's get set up.
Hey guys, we've made it.
Oh my god. Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Look at all of this stuff!
Ah!
It's all in bags already.
Perfect!
- We just put
all of that in there.
- Yeah, we'll just put it all in there.
Oh my God.
Babes, maybe forget the clothes.
- Yes!
- Hi guys.
This isn't me sporting
the spring/summer collection of duvets.
Whatever the f*ck this is.
- Take it off. Take it off.
Right, we need to, um-
- Let's just, let's just
put it all in the bags.
And just go.
- No mate, we need to make
a whole f*cking episode.
- Babe, the car's right there.
The bags are here.
We can just chuck 'em in there, that's it.
- No, no, we wanna make
it look sick. Okay?
We wanna like, get all the
cameras set up around the house
and it looks like we are like,
in danger and it's like, builds a tension
and then we escape and we
don't get caught, okay?
And it's just like we are just-
- Oh, I think they must
be upstairs.
- Wait, shh.
- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- No, wait, go.
- Okay, okay.
Because they're gonna
f*cking come upstairs.
Go upstairs, go.
- Okay.
- I'll go sit up the cameras outside.
- You finish this room.
- Okay.
- Okay, but just cover-
- And I'll do front and the back, okay?
- Cover everything, so-
- Yeah, I know babe.
- Okay, right.
I went to the same film school as you.
I know what I'm doing.
- You didn't f*cking do that
on the last job, did you?
- Okey-dokey, right.
- I feeling
hard of they're there.
- I'll leave you to it in here then.
- Bitch.
Wait, mate. Shh, shh.
Should make it less obvious.
Normal, normal.
- Yeah, okay, all right.
Sure.
Okay.
- Okay.
Get the camera in place. Y'all good to go.
Affirmative.
The perimeter of the house is now covered.
- Okay.
- Okay, let's go outside.
- The cameras outside,
they look really good.
- Yeah?
- But I was thinking,
do you think we should redo our arrival?
- No babe. We haven't got time.
We need to do the f*cking food.
- Oh.
- You do coffee. I'll do food.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- What is that?
- Dunno.
Oh, it looks like blood.
- Oh, that is gross!
Detective, looks like we've got
a 1067 horse side on our hands here.
Little piggy, I'll see you later.
- Thea, look at this.
- What?
- I think this is the footage from the ad.
Oh sh*t.
- Oh my God.
- Okay, keep pouring that.
- The guy's fit.
- Coming back, coming back, coming back.
Right now Em, I'm just
gonna move in on the tear.
- What the f*ck?
- This is absolute bollocks.
I bet they're getting paid
a fortune for this as well.
- I kinda like it.
- Babe.
- What?
- Don't get sucked into this.
This is exactly what
they want you to think.
- No, I just wanna keep watching it.
- Yeah, nice.
Lovely. Gorgeous.
And then just have like a
little fiddle with that hat.
Hang on. I'm just gonna come up here.
I think that's gonna be better.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. That's the ticket.
Okay. Nice, yeah.
Matt, can you sort of just like,
have a kind of go over,
so lie back down for me?
Yeah. And then just kind of like,
roll around a little bit.
And can you, can I have a, yeah?
Can I have a Humphrey Bogart again?
Yes. Yes.
Can I, can you shift your,
so away from me slightly and do it again.
- Like that?
- Nope. Other way.
Away from me.
- Yeah, towards, towards me, Matt.
- Yeah, like that.
Yeah, that's it.
And then Humphrey Bogart it.
Yeah. Nice.
Yeah. Cut.
Good, great. Got it.
- Great.
- Keep low.
That's it. Nice. Lovely.
And coming out.
Yes. Finding Matt.
Yeah. Nice, Matt.
Nice and moody. Yeah.
Straight to camera.
Nice. Okay.
Yep. Beautiful. Coming.
And slightly less flirty.
Just like, okay.
- Oh my God!
What the f*ck was that?
- Oh my God.
- That scared the absolute-
- Uh...
- I wanna watch it again.
- Yeah, straight to camera.
Nice. Okay.
Yep, beautiful coming out
and slightly less flirty.
Just like, still-
But nice.
- Oh!
- What? Cut!
- Where is it?
- Wait, go back again.
Press play.
- Beautiful coming out
and slightly less flirty.
Just like, still coquetteish, but yeah.
Nice.
- Oh!
- What? Cut!
- Where's it gone?
- Uh...
- Okay.
Let's just watch another one.
- Okay. Yeah.
So just wait, sorry.
Can you just go back, back to one?
Yeah. Great. So rolling.
- Yep.
- And action. Nice.
- Go.
- And then Em you're crying,
so I'm just gonna pull back, catch that.
You're gonna stand up.
Just grab the board and kind of chuck it,
aim it just-
- Tori, Tori.
We had a bit of a chat earlier.
Do you think the whole crying thing,
do you think it's, it's,
do you think it's showing
the right kind of image this day and age?
- Oh.
- Female empowerment?
- Well, I mean, you know,
well she's crying because
it's kind of all just bubbling up inside.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's kind of got too
much and it's like, ah!
- Yeah, but that's not very empowered,
independent woman, is it? I mean?
- Right. Yeah.
- This is like a relationship.
This is a mutual coming together.
- It's a game. It's a game of backgammon.
- Yeah, this is a bit of fun.
- You know, like, it's more-
- It just feels a bit...
- It's not because, easy.
It's not 'cause he's won.
- It's more...
- We're sparring, we are
playing with each other.
- We're playing.
- There's a fire, right?
And so there's gotta be kind of give
and take a mutual type.
- There's got to be something else.
Ooh, like. Ooh, f*ck!
- You all right?
- Did you just cut yourself?
- Yeah, I've just cut myself.
- You're getting blood on the clothes.
Don't get blood on it.
- Got it, got it, got it.
- Em, I need to
take those back tomorrow.
- Okay, put, put pressure-
- Oh!
- Grey, are you...
- Oh!
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my!
- Was that real?
- No, no, it was f*cking cool.
Is there any more?
Oh, here we go. This one, yes.
- Don't, don't f*cking turn the camera on!
- It needs to be on!
- What do you mean it needs to be on?
- Because they need to, because
for the insurance policy.
- Insurance?
f*cking camera for the insurance policy?
What are you talking about?
- He's going to be fine. He's fine.
- Don't poke-
Jesus Christ.
Um, put pressure! Put pressure on it!
It's okay. It's okay.
You're okay. You're okay. You're okay.
Can we, can we call an ambulance?
Can we, can we, Jesus?
- Babe, that's, it's acting.
It's just for the commercial.
It's definitely fake.
Let's go and look in the
room and I bet you any money,
it won't be there.
It'll be fine. Come on.
How did I not see that?
- Babe, that's not real.
That's just all part of it.
That is wild. Ah!
Gimme the iPad, come on.
Look.
Come here.
- It's okay. It's okay. Look at me.
Look at me, it's okay. It's okay.
Just keep as much pressure
on that as possible.
It's okay. It's okay.
I promise you're gonna be okay.
We're gonna stay here.
- Em, this wasn't your fault, okay?
- Stay here.
- It was an accident.
You, he tripped or you tripped
but it's all on camera.
- Don't worry.
- And people will see.
- What the f*ck does it f*cking matter?
Can we call an ambulance?
- Because it was a f*cking accident!
- Shut the f*ck up and call an
ambulance for Christ's sake!
What is wrong with you?
- Fine, fine.
- Uh...
- I don't have any f*cking reception.
I don't have any reception.
- I've got nothing.
- I k*lled him!
- No, you didn't.
- Can we, is there a landline?
Is there a landline here?
Can we call, is there
a landline? Is there?
- I don't know!
- What the f*ck?
There's someone here. There's
someone in the garden.
Hello! Hello!
Hey! There's someone out there!
Emma, Emma, please.
Can you put some, put
some pressure on this?
- What?
- Otherwise he's gonna bleed
out and he's gonna die.
- What do you mean?
- You, come with me!
Find a f*cking phone!
Find a f*cking phone!
- Um, Grey, okay. You're gonna be fine.
We're gonna find someone
and we are gonna get you an ambulance.
Just stay with us. Okay?
Em? Em?
Oh, f*ck! Matt!
Matt?
Matt, come on. What
the f*ck are you doing?
Matt?
Matt, are you, are you all right?
Matt?
Matt?
What the f*ck?
- What is this, Thea?
- That's obviously
just a rig or something.
- Oh my god!
- Did you not see
that thing in the mirror?
- What?
- That person.
- Babe, that's
just a member of crew.
- That's not a f*cking crew member. Look.
- Hello?
- What are you doing?
- Well, I'm just gonna be,
they're just sitting upstairs like...
We've got no idea what this is.
- I don't care. I want to leave.
- They're pranking us.
They've seen our show and now they're,
I don't know, I don't know,
trying to teach us a lesson
or some sh*t like that.
It's very clever, guys.
- That is beyond ridiculous.
- It's genius actually.
Now we're gonna do crossover shows.
I bet you there's cameras everywhere.
Look, there's one right there!
There's one right there!
They've been filming us the whole time.
And now they're gonna come out.
- It's a film set.
- Like this was all a joke.
Come on guys, we've figured it out.
- Nothing. Let's just f*cking go.
Let's just go. I wanna go.
I don't care. I wanna go.
- No, let's go look for this dead body.
Come on.
Look, babe.
- Oh, f*ck's sake.
- A dead body isn't here.
There's not even any blood.
It's fine.
- Yes, there f*cking is blood.
Look, remember? See?
- It's ridiculous.
I'm gonna go upstairs.
- No!
- Talk to the guys up there
'cause clearly they're having a laugh.
- What? No, no.
Let's do what you said, okay?
Let's just end the episode there
and let's just f*cking go.
Get the clothes, get the camera equipment.
Let's just f*cking get
in the car and leave.
- Are you f*cking mad?
- Just end it there.
- Lou, this was your idea, babe.
You wanted to stay here
and get the footage
and get the content and get the suspense
and now you wanna, you wanna leave?
- You're being a f*cking child.
- You're being a d*ck.
- No, that's not f*cking fake.
- Oh my god, Lou.
- It's real.
- It's not real. Okay, cool.
Look, I'm gonna go upstairs.
See, what the hell all this
is about or what's going on.
You stay down here. Okay?
- Oh my God.
- Because I need you to get
as much footage in there as you can.
If anything else weird
happens, I wanna know about it.
All right? Cool.
- You're being
a f*cking nightmare.
- Okay, whatever.
- I f*cking hate when she's right,
but I would really like her to be right.
Please be right.
f*cking please be fake.
f*ck, I'm losing my mind.
- Em? I think Matt's dead.
We need to get out. We need
to get out of here now!
- Matt?
Matt? Matt?
Oh my god!
- Em? Em?
Open the door!
Em! Em!
Open the door, Em!
Get up!
Keep going, get away!
Okay! Okay!
Okay, okay.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Okay, what the f*ck?
Please, please.
- What the f*ck is going on?
Why is somebody trying to
f*cking k*ll us?
- Come on, come on please! f*ck!
Holy sh*t.
Oh God. Oh God.
- Hello? Hello?
- Nobody's here.
- You're gonna have to.
- There's no way.
- Right, so here I am
in the house finally.
Very exciting.
I thought I'd better record
some of my findings on here
so that I don't forget
anything when it comes
to writing up the old thesis,
so what do we know?
- Oh my God.
I think this was filmed in here.
- Obviously we know now
that the Druids were a
much more peaceful people
than the early Christians
would have us believe.
However, there was this one man,
Lord Somerton, who was not so gentle.
So...
There was a myth, a local myth,
that Lord Somerton convinced his followers
that the way to true power
was through human sacrifice.
Every month at the full moon,
a woman would be taken from
a neighbouring village.
They should be brought here,
they should be tied to a
tree and drained of blood.
The idea being that the
life force, the energy,
and the blood would flow
into the standing stone.
I don't know how long I've been here.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
My name is Ash Blake.
I'm a professor of anthropology
specialising in the ancient
rituals of the Celtic people
of the British Isles.
I found the standing
stone of Lord Somerton.
I've come to believe that the stones
gave him an otherworldly power
and I can feel it here in this house.
I dream about the dagger every night.
Like he's calling me.
When there's a full moon.
There's always a full moon.
I need...
I feel like he's watching me.
He's pulling me in.
- Live.
- Oh God.
Oh my God!
Who is it?
- I'm with catering.
- Oh my God!
Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Oh my god. Oh f*ck.
- Okay, I've watched this.
What the f*ck is it?
- You've called for someone, right?
Yeah, yeah? Help.
- No.
- Okay.
Oh God. Okay, okay.
But okay, have you got,
have you got reception?
Have you?
- No.
- Okay.
- I haven't got any signal.
- Okay, oh f*ck.
- Have you seen my friend?
Have you seen my friend?
- No. No.
- f*ck! She came upstairs
because she heard something
and she didn't believe me.
- No, no, no.
- You haven't seen her?
Well then where is she?
- I don't know. But we, I
think we have to get out.
I think we, we have to get out.
- What the f*ck is that?
- I don't know. But I think he's coming.
Get me out!
- Okay, it's okay.
What the f*ck was that?
Can you hear that?
- Yeah.
- He's coming, he's coming.
- Oh, f*ck.
- Can you hear that?
- Go! Go!
- Oh God.
Okay.
Oh, Thea? Thea?
Oh my god.
- Quick, quick, quick, quick!
- Oh my god, it's following!
- Thea!
- No! No! No! No! No!
- Oh.
- Why has it stopped?
- Oh my goodness. Guys, look at this room.
Oh my god, granny much.
YOLO!
Guys, there's loads of stuff.
There's loads of stuff! Yes!
Oh yes. Nice, nice, nice.
I think they're upstairs.
Cheeky f*ckers!
I knew it.
I knew it.
Louise! Run!
- Thea.
- Okay, okay. Just stop, stop it.
Maybe she got away.
Go, f*cking go!
- What? No.
No!
- You f*cking go!
- What?
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay.
- Oh my God.
- Oh f*ck! Thea has the keys!
- What?
- Thea has the f*cking keys!
- Just f*cking go! Just f*cking go!
Just f*cking go! Oh god!
Oh sh*t, no, no, no, no!
What the?
Okay, come on. Come on.
No, f*ck. Wait.
Oh, f*cking hell.
- Okay.
- Oh, come on!
- f*ck.
- Come on!
- Oh my god!
Oh god.
- f*ck.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
f*ck, f*ck!
Oh my god.
- Oh f*ck!
Oh my god!
Oh f*ck, oh!
Oh my god!
- Oh my god.
f*cking f*cking f*ck.
f*ck!
- Oh f*ck.
Okay.
Oh my god.
Oh my god. It's all right.
Okay. Okay.
Oh f*ck, no!
f*ck, I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna be okay.
Okay.
Oh f*ck! Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Jeff? What?
f*ck! No, no, no, no!
Oh f*ck!
- Oh f*ck!
f*ck! f*ck!
Thea! Thea!
Thea! f*ck!
Thea! Thea! Thea!
Please, please!
No, no, no.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
Don't worry. Don't worry.
- Just please go.
- I'm so sorry.
- Just run. Okay?
- This was all my idea.
I'm so sorry!
- Take the footage and run, okay?
- I can't, I can't leave without you.
- No, run! Go!
Please!
- Hello? Grey?
Tori?
Sorry it's taken so long.
Where the hell are they?
Hello.
Dagr (2024)
Moderator: Maskath3