01x12 - Backstage Babs

[bunniefuu]

[sniffs]

Is that smoke?

And r. Kelly?

♪ ♪

Close the door!

Oh, sorry, honey.

Is that my black lace bra?

It's not as bad
as it looks.

I'm not trying to have sex
with panda.

That would be pathetic.

I'm just trying to take off
panda's bra.

Oh?
Do you want some pointers?

No, I got this.
I've been practicing for h hour.

Watch me work.

Lovely evening,
wouldn't you say, panda bear?

[groans]

Ow.

Here, munchkin,
let me show you.

It's called
the secaucus snap.

I spent six years of high school
defending against it.

Just put your fingers
here and here and...

Whoa, I actually did it!
You're amazing!

And if you were born
a little girl,

I'd have
some real tricks to show you.

That's step one
of the hoboken hand--

I don't wanna hear it.

Mom, there are some things
I don't wanna hear.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

How are you picking
between all these schools?

Easy,
I just rank them

By how scholarly and confident
their female students are,

Then pick the bottom three.

Yeah, man,
I went to berkeley.

I went away for four years

And came back broke
and emasculated and poor.

Or was that prison?

Either way,
the girls were ugly.

Ohh, my bad.

So were are you
gonna go to college?

I mean wave university.

Over there?
No!

The university
of surfing, hanging out,

And not doing any work.

Uh, my ears are burning.

Why go to college when
everything I could ever want

Is right here?

Oh, hey, there's jeena!

I scored tickets
to the oceanus music festival,

And I just heard turk
and jeena had a big fight,

And jeena's favorite
band's gonna be there.

You know, woodie,
waiting for this moment

Has taken patience
and dedication,

But I persevered.

When it comes
to true love,

Slow and steady
wins the race.

Forgive me, babe.
Look what I got.

Oh, my god,
backstage passes?

I'm gonna meet ok go?

Balls.

Hey look, babe,
I got the last two.

Don't worry, man.
You're a catch.

You've got good hair,
a sweet face,

A great personality.

That's what they say
about fat girls!

I'm gonna be alone forever.

[cell phone beeps]

What the...

Check this out!

I like! I like!

You just got
your first sext.

You've got
a secret admirer.

I wonder who she is.

Whoa-ho, mondo!

You've been holding out on us.

You're a fat little pimp.

A "flimp" if you will.
[chuckles]

Maybe I've been underestimating
you the whole time.

Maybe you have.

So call her back, flimp.

Push the green button,

And we'll put
a name to these boobs.

[excited murmurs]

[beep, line rings]

Back up, fools!

It's time for the return
of the mack.

Hi, you've reached
babs brando.

If this is the doctor
calling about mondo's rash,

It's spread
from his arms to his thighs.

[laughter]

Balls.

Sorry I'm late.

I came straight from work.

Oh, is this mr. Brando?

No, no, no,
it's smilin' mike.

He's a regular at the bar.

He's in no shape to drive
to his kid's soccer practice.

I'm the coach.

So what did
mondo do this time?

Recognize this?

Ah!
[laughs]

That's just me
in my new bathing suit.

I sent it to my girlfriends
who are back in new jersey

Freezing their asses off.

I must have sent it
to mondo by mistake.

I mean,
no big whoop, right?

Actually,
it was a huge, huge whoop.

And unfortunately, this isn't
mondo's first go-round

In the troublemaker's rodeo.

And I can't help but wonder
if his home environment

Might be the reason why.

Excuse me.

For one thing,

He's been falling asleep
in his morning classes.

[cheering]

He missed the psats
to go to a monster truck rally.

[cheering]

Crush it!

Grave digger was there,

And he was
signing autographs.

And he seems
to be overly familiar

With some rather
mature material.

I thought it was
a rob schneider movie.

Making copies.

Did you know that mondo has
chosen his college applications

By the slut-to-teacher ratio?

And while I have nothing
against the schools in arizona,

We think he can
do a little better.

But not if this
behavior continues.

Maybe this is my fault.

Excuse me, I have
a lot to think about.

Well, this turned into
a real sausage party.

What the hell
was she thinking?

Chill, dude.

You need to stop thinking
about your mom's boobs.

Let me carry
that burden for you.

Let's just focus
on the concert,

Horny chicks,
loud music,

And we're gonna get
so wasted

We'll have to buy
overpriced t-shirts

To remember
we were even there.

Ocean anus.

Typo or genius.
Either way, $45!

Trust me, mondo.

We're gonna have
the best night ever.

Well, the best night
a couple of suckers can have.

I, for one, will never
pay ticket tyrant's

$3.75 inconvenience fee.

If I'm going,
I'm going on my own terms

Like a true american,

By scaling a fence!

Hey, blondie.

I think she's
talking to me.

This concert
is gonna be awesome.

Hey, lonnie.
Setting up for the festival?

Best seats in the house, man.

Why else
you think I park here

The other 364 days
of the year,

The view?

[imitates drumming]

[classical piano music]

Where am I?

♪ ♪

Our carpet is beige?

Also, we have carpet?

♪ ♪

[beep, buzzing sound]

♪ ♪

No!

No!

Why would I want to see
a big black carp

Get a blowfish?

Cyber prude!

Protecting you from
the best parts of the internet

For over 20 years.

[electrical zap]
ahhh!

[mechanical whirring]

What's that noise?

Mom?

Hey, munch--
I mean, montgomery.

What the [bleep]?

Ah-ah, mister.

Swear jar.

You take away
my video games,

My internet,
my underwear pile.

This is bull--

This is terrible!

Look, honey, things are gonna
have to change around here.

Now start in
on your homework,

And when you're done you can
tackle some of your new chores.

So let me get this straight.

First you humiliate me,

And now you're gonna
punish me for humiliating me?

That's like ronnie breaking up
with sammi sweetheart

After he cheated on her.

That's your problem
right there,

Not enough books,
too much jersey shore.

Unh! I'm just gonna sit here
and read my comic book.

Supermanners?

Oh, come on, mom!
You changed my comics too?

Mondo, I suggest
you get busy, or--

Or what?

There's nothing left
you can take away from me.

Ha.
Or no concert.

Well played, barbara.

But first, I have
a few choice words for you

And "poop" and "darn"
are not gonna cover it.

Oh, nothing, just tutoring
this stupid kid in french.

Keep going, sweetheart.

[badly] voulez vous
couchez avec moi, ce soir.

It's like I close my eyes
and I'm in paris.

I swear, desiree, this boy's
got, like, a solid "b" cup.

Hey, man,
how's it going?

How's it going?

Let me show you.

[strumming harp]

I can do that now,
which is great

Because everyone knows
that chicks line up

Around the block
to bang the harp player.

The only thing that's gotten me
through the living hell

Of the last few days
have been this concert.

Let's get out of here
before o-mama bin laden

Makes me balance
her checkbook.

Mom, I did all the dump crap.
I'm going to the concert.

I'm almost ready!

What?

Can't leave
without your chaperone.

[groans]

♪ let the sun
burn my eyes ♪

♪ let it burn my back ♪

[girls giggle]

Ugh.

Sorry, honey,
but you're gonna have to stay

By my side tonight.

I know, I know.

[bell dings]

Ah.

♪ ♪

You got those
backstage passes?

Right here, babe.

You won't regret
taking me back.

I'm a new man.

No more drinking,
no more name calling,

No more temper.

Hands off the flask,
scrote-smoker!

I knew this was a mistake.

Wait, babe,
I can change.

Again!

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

Okay, boys, now let's have
some good, wholesome fun.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[baby cries]

[baby coos]

Ah-ha!

This'll teach ticket tyrant

To charge me
an extra 3.75.

Oh, I did have to shell out
six hundry for this rig,

But amortized over a lifetime
of airborne schemes,

We're down to, like,
four bucks a scheme.

Ahh!
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

It's raining men!

[groans]

Is that the best you got,
ticket tyrant?

Okay, that one
was pretty good.

[groans]

Oh, hello.

Is that you, god?

It's me, turk.

No, it's me, wadska,
but I get that a lot.

Where's my sister?

Jeena's inside.

And this wasn't
what it looked like.

I was just sweating
from my eyes.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I've lost her, man,
'cause of my stupid temper.

She means more to me than
any girlfriend I've ever had.

Oh, I didn't know
you felt this way.

Well, help me down from here,
turk-in-law.

We'll see
if we can get her back.

Agh!
Little higher.

Agh!

Oh, my god,
babs brando.

Oh, huh, candy, toni.
Yeah, hi.

I knew my biffken
was tingling.

I haven't seen you since you
were getting nine-inch nailed

In the bathroom
at giants stadium.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

And by the way, it was more
like five-inch nailed.

She's distracted
by these crazy b*tches.

Now's our chance to escape.

Did you meet my son,
montgomery?

Lady, I'll be
whatever you want me to be.

Oh, we did it.

We lost her.

Yes, finally
the greatest night

Of our lives begins,
just the two of us.

Hey, mondo.

Hey, blondie,
want an extra beer?

Or we can split up
for a little while.

Yeah, we could totally
meet up later.

Mondo!

Mondo?

[screams]

Sorry to hear
that turk got kicked out.

Are you really?

Nope.
[both laughing]

Sucks for us being
a couple of shorties, huh?

I can't see anything.

You--you wanna get up
on my shoulders?

Whoa.
[chuckles]

[wheezes]

You got me there, fella?

Who, me?
Yeah, I can do this all day.

Or for at least until
the end of the next song.

You guys ready
for a 17-minute jam?

[cheering]

Balls.

[coughs]

So where do you go to school,
beer-waster?

Pen.

Ivy league, that's hot.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

Those people are insane.

I know.
Let's get in there.

Agh!

I said throw me
over the fence.

Through it's funnier.

You are a hard man to love,
dirk kirk turkpatrick.

It's no use.

We have covered
the whole perimeter.

It's impenetrable.

If only they'd stop
slamming that cursed door,

I could think!

Damn, it only opens
from the inside.

You gotta buy a ticket
and then let me in.

What?

That would mean going against
everything I stand for.

Please, I can't lose her,
wadska.

Think about her
in there all alone,

Being passed around
by strange men.

I always wanted a brother.

A little half-mustached
psycho brother.

Let it be said
that on this day

Wadska stood
on the side of love.

Whoo!

Yeah, that was awesome!

Especially the part
when you flashed your puppies,

I don't know what happened.

I got caught up
in the moment.

Hey, you want a beer?

Whoa,
that's a crazy taste.

Nothing's too good
for m'lady.

You like that?
It's like I did it british,

But I wasn't being possessive
when I said "my lady."

I don't own you.

[both laugh]

I gotta find mondo.

If he's anything like
backstage babs was at 15,

You should probably
call the cops.

I hate
to disappoint you girls,

But I'm
a respectable woman now.

[both laugh]

Seriously,
I've changed my ways.

Look!

All: Ohh!

In my defense,
I stole those dr*gs.

Look, I'm just trying
to tone it down

And set an example
for my son.

You know, I'm worried he's
heading down the wrong path.

I hear you.

My petey got
his drug dealer pregnant

At a g*ng initiation.

So what's your boy into?

Um, well, you know,
for one thing

His top college choices
are all party schools.

College?
Choices?

Sounds like
a real hell-raiser.

I don't know about this.

Okay, blondie,

Then you can
just stay over here

Where you'll be
safe and boring.

Whoo!

Ohh!

Ahh!

From the outside,
the pit looks terrifying.

But once you get in here,

It's just really not--ahh!

Blondie,
are you okay?

Well, I have
a concussion

And, oh,
that's a cracked rib.

But that was awesome!

Come on, I think
we should probably head--

Backstage!

What?
We don't have passes.

Okay then,
you can just stay here

Where it's safe and boring.

Follow my lead.

Yo, blonde dynamite,
slow your roll.

[cockney accent]
what, got a problem, governor?

I'm just taking
this rumpty-dumpty backstage

For a bit of the old
flirty duck.

Do you wanna hear
something embarrassing?

Absolutely.

My first concert
was the wiggles.

They were
my first concert too.

That's crazy.

We were on a family vacation
to new york,

And we saw them
at radio city music hall.

That's where I saw them,
memorial day weekend.

No way! 1998?

Saturday?

Yes!
Oh, my god, 7:00 p.M. Show?

No, the matinee.

Damn it.

[both laugh]

Well, at least we're at
the same concert together today.

Kiss her.

[chuckles]

Mondo!

Mondo!

Has anybody seen the cutest
little boy at the concert?

[whimpers]

You have a picture, ma'am?

I don't really have
a recent one.

Does this help?

[laughter]

Sweet ass.

I'm sorry, I just had
to find you right away.

What was so important

That just when I was
about to have

The greatest non-food-related
moment of my life

You had to embarrass me
yet again?

Look around!
I'm not that guy.

Or that guy.

Or--that guy--

That guy needs
medical attention.

In case you haven't noticed,

I'm a pretty damn good kid.

And you used to be
a pretty damn good mom.

Mondo, I know.

And--wait, what?

I let other people make me
think I wasn't a good parent,

And I took it out on you.

I'm sorry, honey.
We're doing fine.

I just had to tell you that.

Now, come on,
I got a surprise for you.

You're welcome.

Thanks, bro-en-stein.

Hang on, babe.
I'm coming for you.

Oh, yeah.
I love you, babe.

Never leave me again.

This whole thing
was about a flask?

I compromised
my integrity for a flask?

A [bleep] flask?

I assumed you knew.

I mean, there was one moment
where I was afraid

You thought I might
be talking about jeena,

But then I was like,
he's a smart kid.

He's into computers and stuff.

Besides, what do
you think I meant

When I said I wanted
to take her top off

And let her hot juices
run down my chin?

What's wrong with you?

That's your sister, man.

We are not bros.

From this day hence,

I shall never again
compromise my morals for love!

Ooh.

Have I told you
what a fan I am

Of your corporation?

Where are we going, mondo?

You'll see.

Ah, what's up, flimp?

We're backstage!

Mondo, this is amazing.

How did you pull this off?

I didn't.
My awesome mom did.

Hey, kids, let me introduce
you to some of my old friends,

Damian kulash and ok go.

Son, so happy to meet you
after all these years.

I can see the resemblance.

Nah, I'm just messing.

Or am I?

Yes, I am.
Damian.

Come on, he's a kulash,
he can take it.

Just kidding, man.
Just kidding.

I'm guessing you're a fan?

[speaking gibberish]
habbidyhabba.

Very smooth.

These hot dogs
look [bleep] awesome.

Yeah, just need
some condiments.

Seriously, there's got
to be a better way.

[chuckles] I just--
I wish woodie were here

To see all this.

[cockney accent] hey,
be with you in a jiff, mate.

Your accent's
getting better.

That's 'cause I'm
an english major.

Yeah, about that, blondie,

I know you're in high school.

What gave it away?

Well, your friend
looks like he's 11,

You both came here
with his mom,

And you wouldn't shut up

About how much
you hate your principal.

But we still have tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ok go!

That's our band.
Let's do this, man, yeah.

Have a good show, all right.

Can I get
one more whiskey?

♪ maybe it's not so bad ♪

♪ just let your hair
go down now ♪

Dude, I changed my mind.

I am so going to college.

Where?

"Art mouth."

I'd like to personally
dedicate this one

to an old friend,
babs Brando,

and to my new friend,
habbidyhabba.

That's me!

♪ Ooh ♪

My favorite song.

Thank you, mondo.

This was the best night ever.

That's weird,
my bra is unhooked.

Secaucus snap.

That's my boy.

♪ ♪

[Cheers and applause]