01x03 - Climate Change Denial

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome, welcome.
Welcome to the show.

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for being with us.

I hope you're all well.

We begin tonight
with big news.

History was made this week.

Technically, history
is made every week.

That's kind of
how history works.

That's not the point.

Last night, a particular
kind of history was made.

NEWSWOMAN: The St. Louis Rams
made history, making Michael

Sam the first openly gay
player ever chosen

in the NFL draft.

DIFFERENT NEWSWOMAN: The
first openly gay player to be

drafted in the NFL.

THIRD NEWSWOMAN: An NFL team
drafting an openly gay player.

Guys, guys, guys!
He hasn't told his mom yet!

That is not cool!

Look, clearly this is
fantastic news, but perhaps

the true sign of how far we've
come is not that the news have

spent the whole week focusing
on the human-interest angle.

It's that ESPN has spent their
whole week showing no real

interest in him as
a human being at all.

MAN: He's much more of a
designated rusher than a 3-4

outside linebacker.

DIFFERENT MAN: 9 sacks came in


State Florida, and Vandy;
only 2 1/2 in the 7 other games.

DIFFERENT MAN: ...the combine
where he really struggled,

ran a 4.91.

Oh, sweet, sweet jargon.

Mwah.

The great mathematical
equalizer because here's the

thing: at its best, the world
of sports is completely amoral.

If being gay helped Drew Brees
throw the ball even one yard

further, even the most
h*m* Saints fan would be

imploring him to question
his straight-ness midgame.

Are you sure, Drew?

Are you sure?

Are you sure, Drew?

And, look, I'm not saying
there are not idiots out there.

If you typed "Michael Sam"
into Twitter last night, you

could find things that would
make you despair for humanity.

But this moment felt a lot
bigger than all of that noise.

And in fact, for me, the most
heartwarming moment was not

when Michael Sam sobbed in
happiness when told he'd been

drafted before lovingly
kissing his boyfriend.

It was how the ESPN
commentators reacted

immediately afterwards.

We've seen this
over and over again.

We saw it with
Tajh Boyd.

We saw it
with Dale Buchanan.

The emotion of when you
realize all your hopes

and dreams have finally
been validated.

For the families
and for the players,

their life-long dream
has come true.

They just uttered the same
bland platitudes that they'd

been uttering about everyone
else for 3 solid days, which

genuinely feels like
a breakthrough.

So this is where we are now:
in a landmark move,

the St. Louis Rams, the NFL, and
ESPN proved that they are not

concerned about whether there
are gay thoughts in Michael

Sam's head.

They are only concerned about
whether he's willing to use

that head to smash into
other people's heads.

We did it, everyone!

We have reached
the mountaintop!

[Cheering and applause]

But, um...

Amazing.

But from American sports to
something much less serious:

the potential w*r in Ukraine.

This morning, voters
in eastern Ukraine held

a referendum on whether or
not to move towards joining

Russia, but tensions had
actually come to a head

in a very unusual
way late last night.

Good evening, Europe!

Let me explain.

There is a thing called the
Eurovision Song Contest.

It happens once every year,
and it's simply the craziest

thing that you'll ever see.

Basically, 37 European
countries sublimate thousands

of years of ethnic and
religious tensions into

a series of bizarre


Laugh all you like, but you'll
all be butter-churn dancing

in the clubs next weekend.

Ch-ch-ch-churn it up.

Ch-ch-ch-churn it up.

Getting a little but rusty.
Churn it up.

Last night's final actually
had Russia facing off against

Ukraine, with their songs
being voted on by all the

competing nations, meaning
that this contest genuinely

had more international
oversight than the vote

for Crimean secession.

First up--first up,
it was Ukraine,

whose song featured a guy

in the background running
around in a hamster wheel.

And in case that wasn't an
apt enough summary of their

current political situation,
listen to this.

♪ Tick-tock, can you
hear me go tick-tock? ♪

Their song was called

"Tick-tock," basically the
countdown to an expl*si*n.

Now, for their part,
Russia responded with a song

performed by 17-year-old
folically-conjoined twins

featuring the lyrics--and I
swear to you that this is true--

"Cross the line
a step at a time

"Maybe there's a place,
maybe there's a time

Maybe there's a day
you will be mine."

That was essentially
an anthem to annexation.

You know what?

You can't ask the people of
eastern Ukraine to choose

between these two songs.

They're both too good!

Just go to w*r! Go to--

The whole continent
should go to w*r again.

Let Europe tear
itself apart yet again!

The only way to stop this
would be if the Eurovision

Song Contest were somehow won
by someone so spectacularly

wonderful that it erased
the tensions in a heartbeat.

ANNOUNCER: Drag queen
Conchita Wurst took the trophy

for Austria.

This is a very big deal.

The diva won with the tune
"Rise Like a Phoenix."

CONCHITA: This night is
dedicated to everyone who

believes in a future
of peace and freedom.

You know who you are.

We are unity,
and we are unstoppable.

That's awesome.

Is it--

is it just me, or between
Conchita and Michael Sam, did

the world--did the whole world
feel like it became a better

place to live in
the last 24 hours?

But moving on, moving on.

Finally, this was also a big
week for Vladimir Putin, who

visited Crimea for
a long-overdue victory lap

in Russia's newest territory.

NEWSWOMAN: Speaking before
tens of thousands in the port

city of Sevastopol, Putin
hailed the incorporation

of the region into Russia as
a return to the motherland.

Listen, it is Mother's Day
today, and there's nothing

wrong with moving back
in with your mother.

It's just it's a little weird
when your mother has to send

you an unmarked militia
to force you to do it.

And Putin's celebrations
didn't even stop there.

Vladimir Putin will celebrate
Russia's annexation of Crimea

with a specially
minted silver coin.

That's his image on the front.

A map of the Crimean
peninsula is on the back.

The coin weighs more
than two pounds.

Two pounds!

That's not a commemorative
coin, that is a commemorative

manhole cover.

Are you sure you want to
be celebrating quite this

hard, Vladimir?

Because I hate to remind you,
but the place you annexed

was Crimea.

Crimea depends on Ukraine
right now for 25% of its gas,

for 90% of its electricity,


WOMAN: Crimea only produces

about 1/10

of the energy it consumes.

Russia expects to spend
between 5 to 6 billion dollars

in Crimea.

It is still going to be
a burden on Russia.

So Crimea is going to be
a drain on Russia's finances

and attention.

So congratulations, Putin!

In order to stick it to the
West, you just adopted the

sick cat of autonomous zones.

Look.

I mean, have you seen
the Crimean people?

It's basically this guy.

This is what you won, Russia--
this man and the entire

history that his
face represents.

And I just want to be clear
that this guy is having

a really good day.

That is what smiling
looks like in Crimea.

And why shouldn't
he be smiling?

After all, it's
his 16th birthday.

But frankly--

[Cheering and applause]

Frankly, if Russia is going
to mint a coin over their

annexation of Crimea,
this coin might at least be

a little more accurate.

ANNOUNCER: Crimea used to be

a piece of Ukraine,
but after Russia's

historic 2014 invasion,
it's now a piece of history,

and you have a
once-in-a-lifetime chance to

own a piece of history about
this piece of history with the

Worthless Desolate Landmass
Commemorative Coin.

Like the territory it
commemorates, the coin is

symbolically impress,
has absolutely no value

whatsoever, and will be
a cumbersome burden

for generations to come.

On one side, the silver-plated
coin features an exquisite

portrait of Vladimir Putin
shirtless on a horse.

On the other side, it features
Vladimir Putin shirtless

carrying a horse.

If you're wondering why
there's no map of Crimea, that

is because Vladimir
Putin doesn't give a f*ck

about Crimea, which is
what it says in Russian

around the edges of the coin.

Call now to order yours.

Although on second
thought, don't call now.

Why would anyone want this?

Warning to citizens of Crimea:
coin is not chocolate

on the inside.

When Russian inevitably cuts
off fuel and aid shipments

during the winter months,
do not try to eat coin.

OK, let's move on.

Let's turn now to the U.S.
and to campaign finance.

There was yet another
development on this this week.

The Federal Election
Commission has voted to allow

a political action committee
to accept contributions

in the digital
currency bitcoin.

That's right, bitcoin.

The currency of choice for
heroin dealers and assassins

is now perfectly fine
for political candidates

to accept.

Are there any limits left
on campaign finance anymore?

Corporations are people,
people can give pretty much

whatever they like, all of
which has led us to the point

where one state in the midterm
elections is set to have

the most expensive
Senate race ever.

And I'll give you a clue: it is
the 50th state that you are

thinking of.

Well, it could end up being
a 100-million-dollar race,

The battle for the United
States Senate seat in Kentucky.

Kentucky?

$100 million for Kentucky?

No offense, Kentucky.

I'm a big fan of your fried
chicken, and I proudly watch

your Derby each year, mostly
to find names for my thrash

metal ska fusion band.

We are Dance With Fate,
and we are extremely loud.

Now, you might well ask: why
are Kentuckians giving so much

money to their candidates?

Well, funny
story: they're not.

The two likely candidates are
Senate Minority Leader Mitch

McConnell and his
Democratic opponent, Alison

Lundergan Grimes.

And the vast majority of their
big-donor money comes from

out of state.

So let's not pretend that
Kentucky's election has

anything to do with
Kentucky anymore.

Each candidate has been using
some of their money to scorch

the earth with negative ads.

For Mitch McConnell, it's
mainly about how much he loves

coal and how much his
opponent hates it.

McCONNELL: To Barack Obama
and his allies, coal country

represents a threat to their
idea of green energy, whatever

that means.

So when someone says a w*r
on coal is what the country

needs, they're declaring a
w*r on a heck of a lot more

than coal.

It's a w*r on Kentucky.

We didn't ask for this, but
if it's a w*r they want, it's

a w*r they'll get.

Holy shit!

I think Mitch McConnell just
declared w*r on the rest

of the country.

[Imitating McConnell]
I love my coal.

You come after my coal,
I'll hit you with a shovel.

Burning rocks is my
favorite thing to do!

It's wartime.

[Normal voice]
That's a solid impression.

I don't want to
argue about it.

I'm not arguing.

We're not arguing.
We're not arguing.

So look.

McConnell's ads are a little
reductive and inflammatory.

I'm sure that Alison Grimes,
the Democrat, will offer a lot

more in the way of substance.

MAN: He's blocked the Senate
over 400 times, then voted to

shut down the government,
hurting Kentucky's economy.

Mitch McConnell can't light
the house on fire, then claim

credit for putting it out.

OK, two things there.

One, that's not even special
effects, and two, that used to

be Kentucky's
Capitol building.

But the ad speaks to Alison
Grimes' overall strategy: to

point out that she is not
Mitch McConnell in any way,

shape, or form.

NEWSMAN: If you haven't
already noticed, Alison

Lundergan Grimes is quick
to remind you she is female.

Women get it done, men.

Women can make it happen.

I'm proud, as the Senator
said, to be a homegrown

Kentucky girl, unlike
Mitch McConnell.

She's not wrong.

She's not wrong.

Mitch McConnell is not
a homegrown Kentucky girl.

Politifact rates
that one as true.

So their main points are
that she hates coal and he is

an old man.

And the worst thing is,
things actually get even less

substantial when you turn
to their online campaigns.

Back when Grimes entered the
race, the McConnell campaign

welcomed her with
a You Tube video.

♪

Oh.

That is a viral video in
the sense that herpes is

a viral disease.

Once it's in you, it
is never going away.

And that was just
the beginning

of the online trolling.

The Grimes campaign later
created an electric valentine

so people could tell Mitch
McConnell, "It's not me, it's

you," to which Team McConnell
responded with a list titled,

"Valentine's Day: A love
story between Alison Grimes

and President Obama,"
accenting every meaningless

point with tiny movie clip.

So who cares if the sentence
"They're so obsessed with your

"2nd amendment rights that
they want to control it all

for you" literally
makes no sense?

You get to look at the
seagulls from "Finding Nemo."

The people of Kentucky
deserve everyone's sympathy--

or at least the ones
with Internet access,

because here's an interesting
fact: 28% of Kentuckians don't

have any online access,
a commodity that the U.N. has

deemed a basic human right.

Even Alaska has that number
down to 18%, and they had to

lay fiber optic cable through


Which brings us to the larger
point here: this race is all

but ignoring Kentucky's
many substantial problems.

And perhaps I should explain
this to the candidates

in terms their campaigns
would approve of.

Here are 5 important facts about
Kentucky that you might want

to find some solutions for.

Number one: Kentucky has
the country's fifth-highest

percentage of adults
below the poverty line.

Number two: Kentucky is
the ninth most obese state

in the country.

It is a lot.
It is a lot.

Oh, Kentucky also has
the country's fifth highest

unemployment rate.

Yes.

Plus, more than one in 10
adults in Kentucky lack basic

literacy skills.

Yes, really.

And finally, number 5:
Kentucky has the nation's

leading cancer death rate.

Yes, it is sad.

Something should be done.

And that's the point.

What's happening in Kentucky
is just a microcosm of what is

happening everywhere.

As the amount of money gets
greater, the ads nationwide

are somehow just
getting worse and worse.

I grew up castrating hogs on
an Iowa farm, so when I get to

Washington, I'll know
how to cut pork.

And for as long as I can
remember, my father always had

this r*fle real handy...

[Cocks r*fle]

just to keep us safe.

[expl*si*n]

My forefather used a cannon
like this to fight the British

in Savannah and win us
a Constitution.

If you're the sexual predator
and sociopath who m*rder*d my

sister Lynette and you come to
my front door to do harm to my

girls, I'm gonna use my Glock
to blow your balls off.

You heard it here first.

The biggest trend in political
ads this year: balls.

Look, there is no way things
are going to get better until

we collectively hit rock
bottom, and at this point,

the only things keeping us from
doing that are the limits

on what you can show
on network television...

which is where we might be
able to come in, because this

isn't network television.

This is HBO.

[Cheering and applause]

This is the moral Wild West
of sex and v*olence.

Have you ever seen the
arterial expl*si*n that is

"True Blood"?

[Woman screaming]

Coming back in
June, by the way.

HBO is the network that for
years brought you middle-aged

nudity on "Real Sex."

Happy Mother's Day!

Take that down.
Take that down.

So if things have to get worse
before they can get better, then

worse they shall get.

We've prepared attack ads for
both McConnell and Grimes that

are very much in the spirit
of the ads they're

already running.

So, Mitch McConnell, here
is your new attack ad.

MAN: Kentucky:
to us, it's home.

Kentuckians pride
ourselves on our industries.

We're proud of our bourbon.

We're proud of our music.

And most of all, we're
proud of our coal.

[Deep voice] But one politician
hates coal and coal miners:

Alison Lundergan Grimes.

[Chain saw buzzing]

If she wins, there'll
be nowhere to run.

[Man groaning]

There'll be nowhere to hid.

[Man groans]

She uses coal to k*ll and
not power Kentucky's future!

[Chain saw buzzing]

[Men screaming]

Take a good look, Kentucky,
because this is what

a vote for Alison
Grimes will get you.

She'll k*ll everyone
and everything.

Alison Grimes.

She will rip off Kentucky's
head and shit down its neck.

MAN: I'm Mitch McConnell,
and I approved this message.

That's yours.

That's yours.

Run it as much as you like!

Run that as much as you like,
Mitch McConnell, but just know

that while you're doing it,
Alison Grimes will be free to

run this one on you.

ANNOUNCER: For too long,
politics and Washington have

been dominated by old, white,

wrinkled dicks, and no d*ck is

older, whiter, or wrinklier
than Mitch McConnell's.

Think about it, Kentucky,
and don't just think about it.

Look at it.

This d*ck has been telling
you what to do for 30 years.

It's time for something new.

It's time for Alison Grimes.

She's young, energetic,
and she'll work tirelessly

for Kentucky, unlike
Mitch McConnell.

Alison Grimes is for
raising increased funding

for education, cutting
government waste, and putting

Kentuckians back to work.

Alison Grimes.

Mitch McConnell.

Alison Grimes.

Mitch McConnell.

WOMAN: I'm Alison Lundergan
Grimes, and I'm honored to

approve this message.

ANNOUNCER: Mitch McConnell.

Do you feel that?

We're at rock bottom together.

We're all in this together.

Now, can everyone please try
a little harder in the future?

Because there is nowhere to
go from here but up.

And now, this.

ANNOUNCER: And now, "Last Week
Tonight" asks, how is this

still a thing?

This week, "Dressing
Up as Other Races."

How is this still a thing?

On Monday, MSNBC's "Way Too
Early" celebrated Cinco de

Mayo in a somewhat
questionable manner.

It is Cinco de Mayo, the 5th
of May, celebrating Mexican

heritage and pride.

It's also an excuse to
drink tequila on a Monday

morning at work.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, that's
professional reporter

and white guy Louis Burgdorf
in a sombrero, drinking from

a tequila bottle.

Because, you know, Mexico.

But to be fair, that's just
one network with bad judgment.

This holiday is also known as

Cinco de Drinko!

ANNOUNCER: OK, two
networks with bad judgment.

America has supposedly
evolved past its use of racial

characters in movies,
TV, et cetera.

What does, uh, "eta cetera,
eta cetera" mean in Japanese?

ANNOUNCER: But even with
racism now officially over...

We don't have racism in
America anymore, so just

knock it off.

If anyone looks
for racism...

ANNOUNCER: Some Americans just
can't seem to let go of their

obsession with dressing up
in offensive outfits.

NEWSWOMAN: Several high-school
football coaches dressed as

members of the
Jamaican bobsled team,

blackface and all.

ANNOUNCER: Even when it's
a shitty, out-of-date reference

that no one had
thought about for years.

Yes, whether you're an elected
official, Ashton Kutcher,

making a bold choice in
a popchips commercial...

I'm Raj.

I'm a Bollywood producer.

I'm looking for the most

delicious thing on the planet.

ANNOUNCER: Or a fraternity
attempting to celebrate Martin

Luther King day in the
worst way possible...

NEWSMAN: The frat held an
MLK party last weekend where

students dressed up
like gangsters and posed

for pictures holding
watermelons.

ANNOUNCER: The desire to play
demographic dress-up runs

surprisingly deep, even
among well-known actresses.

NEWSMAN: Howling hiccup
for Julianne Hough.

She dressed up in
blackface for a Beverly Hills

Halloween bash.

She was one of the characters
from the Netflix drama "Orange

is the New Black."

ANNOUNCER: Yes, Julianne
Hough learned two lessons that

night: one, wearing blackface
to a Halloween party is

a terrible idea.

And two, if she's about to
leave the house looking like

an assh*le, not one of
her friends will tell her.

And incredibly, all this is
happening at a time when there

are more costumes available
in this country than

in the history of costumes.

You can dress up as a fireman,
a nun, a slightly out of shape

Captain America, a sexy rocket
scientist, a banana, or even

a banana with a penis, along
with thousands more ridiculous

but non-r*cist costumes.

With all of these options, it
begs the question: dressing up

as other races--how is
this still a thing?

And finally tonight--
finally tonight, the earth.

You may know it as that blue
thing Bruce Willis is always

trying to save...

or from its famous
collaboration with wind

and fire...

or just simply as that place
where George Clooney lives.

Anyway, the earth had some
genuinely bad news this week.

NEWSWOMAN: A White House
report that says global

warming threatens
every part of the U.S.

This isn't something in
the distant future.

Climate change is
already affecting us now.

Now.

Smart move, Obama.

That is a key shift in how
to talk about climate change,

because we've all proven that
we cannot be trusted

with the future tense.

We've been repeatedly asked,
"Don't you want to leave

a better earth for
your grandchildren?"

And we've all collectively
responded, "Nah, f*ck 'em."

But incredibly, this latest
damning scientific report may

still face an uphill
climb with some of us.

There's that Gallup poll that
came out last month which

found 1 in 4 Americans is
skeptical of all the effects

of climate change and thinks
this issue's been exaggerated.

Who gives a shit?
That doesn't matter.

You don't need people's
opinions on a fact.

You might as well have
a poll asking, which number is

bigger, 15 or 5?

Or do owls exist?

Or are there hats?

The debate on climate change
should not be whether or not

it exists, it's what
we should do about it.

There is a mountain of
research on this topic.

Global temperatures
are rising.

Heat waves are
becoming more common.

Sea surface temperatures
are also rising.

Glaciers are melting.

And of course, no climate
report is complete without

the obligatory photo of
a polar bear balancing

on a piece of ice.

The only accurate way to
report that 1 out of 4

Americans are skeptical of
global warming is to say,

a poll finds that 1 out
of 4 Americans are wrong

about something.

Because a survey of thousands
of scientific papers that took

a position on climate change
found that 97% endorsed

the position that humans are
causing global warming.

And I think I know why people
still think this issue is open

to debate: because
on TV, it is.

And it's always one person for,
one person against.

And it's usually
the same person for.

Bill Nye
and Marsha Blackburn,

welcome, both of you,
to "Meet the Press."

DIFFERENT MAN: Bill Nye
joins us now along

with climate-change
skeptic Marc Morano.

DIFFERENT MAN: Joining me now
to go head to head, Bill Nye,

science educator and CEO
of the Planetary Society.

DIFFERENT MAN: In the
crossfire: Bill Nye,

the Science Guy.

DIFFERENT MAN: Bill Nye,
the Science Guy,

believes in manmade
global warming.

That's right:

more often than not, it's Bill
Nye, the Science Guy, versus

some dude.

And when you just look at the
screen, it's 50/50, which is

inherently misleading.

If there has to be a debate
about the reality of climate

change--and there doesn't--
then there is only one

mathematically
fair way to do it.

ANNOUNCER: "Last Week Tonight"
presents "A Statistically

Representative
Climate Change Debate."

Good evening.

Joining me tonight,
a climate change denier

and, naturally,
Bill Nye, Science Guy.

[Cheering and applause]

So, Bill...Bill...

[Cheering and applause]

John.

Yup.

Humans are
causing climate
change, no question.

Wait, wait, wait.

Before we begin, in the
interest of mathematical

balance, I'm going to bring
out two people who agree

with you,
climate skeptic,

and, Bill Nye,
I'm also going

to bring out 96 other
scientists.

It's a little unwieldy, but
this is the only way we can

actually have

a representative
discussion.

So please file in.

Again, this is going to
make the debate difficult.

We shouldn't really
be having it in
the first place.

But, so,
representationally,

climate skeptic,
please make

a case against
climate change.

MAN: Well, I just don't
think the science is in yet,

it's settled.

JOHN: OK, and what is
the overwhelming view

of the entire scientific
community on that?

[All talking at once]

JOHN: OK. OK. Any
response to that?
Any response?

[Talking continues]

I can't hear you
over the weight
of scientific evidence.

This whole debate
should not have happened.

I apologize to
everyone at home.

My thanks to Bill Nye
and the overwhelming

scientific consensus.

Thank you at home
for watching.

Have a great week!

Have a great week!

Thank you!

[Cheering and applause]

I can't hear you.
I can't hear over...

The problem is,
you understand,

there are way too
many of these people.

It's rendering this
debate pointless.

I can't hear you.

It's an overwhelming
consensus.

The consensus
is overwhelming.

So you understand...

Make your point.

[All talking at once]

♪