01x06 - FIFA and the World Cup

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome to
"Last Week Tonight."

My name is John Oliver.

Thank you so much.
Thank you for being here.

Very kind.

Uh, let's have--
let's quickly, quickly--

quick recap of the week.

To be honest,
this week has been

a huge disappointment.

Because all week long,
we were promised a fairy tale--

California Chrome
will try to become

the 12th horse to
ever win the famed
Triple Crown.

REPORTER: Can
California Chrome do it?

Thank you, thank you.
Godspeed and speed

to that great horse.

Godspeed...

Godspeed, California Chrome!

Run, run like a--
like a horse.

By which I mean
as fast as you can

until that tiny man
on your back stops

hitting you with a stick.

But sadly, it was
not meant to be.

California Chrome lost

some of its shine

at the Belmont Stakes

when Tonalist crossed

the finish line

to win that race.

Who the f*ck is Tonalist?

That's not
the horse I wanted.

I wanted
a different horse!

f*ck this horse.

If that horse is Tonalist.

It's hard to tell.
They're all horses,

but f*ck that horse!

But all was not lost
because while, yes,

yesterday did not give us
a Triple Crown winner,

it did give us,
in California Chrome's
co-owner Steve Coburn,

the Secretariat
of sore losers.

I look at it this way.

If you can't make enough
points to get into

the Kentucky Derby,
you can't run

in the other two races.

And it's all or nothing.

It's all or nothing

because this is not fair
to these horses.

Exactly.

We need to treat
these horses fairly

by breeding them
until they have

the structural integrity
of a Jenga tower

and then when they
inevitably collapse,

sh**ting them
in the head fairly.

Well done, Coburn.
Well done because...

[Cheering and applause]

it is not easy--
it is not easy

to be the least classy
person at a racetrack,

but, no--but let's cut
him a break actually.

I'm sure it was just
the heat of the moment.

Let's see what he said
this morning

once he had a chance to sleep
it off and come to his senses.

You figure it out.

I mean,
you ask yourself

would it be fair
if I played basketball

with a child
in a wheelchair?

Well, um,
I guess that depends.

How good is the child's
outside shot,

and are you as bad
at basketball

as you are at analogies?

Meanwhile, in other
absurd competitions,

there was an amazing moment
last week on the German version

of "Who Wants To Be
a Millionaire?"

Although the full title
in German is...

[German accent]
"Who Dares Have the Hubris
to Assume They Deserve

Great Wealth For Mere
Excellence in Trivia?"

Beautiful language.

It happened when
the contestant...

[German accent]
Wolfgang Bosbach--

just like honey
off the tongue.

It happened when he
decided to use his lifeline

to call German
chancellor Angela Merkel.

MAN: A German lawmaker
tried Merkel

for his phone a friend
lifeline.

[Speaking German]

TRANSLATOR: God,
who should I call now

except the chancellor?

I don't know
if she's busy right now.

Let me answer
that for you.

She is.

She is busy.

She's not
in an important meeting

with a Greek
finance minister saying...

[German accent]
"Do you mind if I
leave my phone on?

"Because you know
the phone a friend option?

"I'm the friend!

"Any questions
regarding the IMF

or Doctor Who is me!"

Please, please tell me she did
not answer the phone.

WOMAN: When the show called
her as their lifeline,

they got her
voicemail twice.

Good!

Because the only thing worse
than answering would have been

if she'd answered it saying...

[German accent]
"Hi. It's Angela.

"I can't hear you.

"It's so loud in the club!

"I'm so wasted right now!

Whoo!"

And speaking of Germans
losing things,

it was the 70th anniversary
of D-Day this week.

[Applause]

One of--one of--

OK, OK, OK, OK.

It was actually one of two
major anniversaries,

the other being
the 25th anniversary

of the protests
in Tiananmen Square,

Not that you wouldn't know
that if you lived in China.

China's government has done
its best to erase

the m*ssacre
from their history books.

REPORTER: Try searching
Tiananmen Square

on China's heavily
monitored Internet,

and results
are censored.


and we still don't know

what happened.

I think that's--

that's not--
that's not cool, I think.

Not cool?
Yeah, that's not cool.

Not cool?

Wearing socks
and sandals is not cool.

Ordering fries
for the table

and then eating them all,
that's not cool.

Erasing a m*ssacre
is chilling.

Now protesters have tried
to subvert the government

using phrases like
May the 35th

instead of June the fourth,

but that just caused
them to clamp down even harder.

The list of banned
words gets longer

and longer,
so this year,

words that were
banned included

like "today,"
"this day,"

"sensitive day,"

even the phrase
"when spring turns

to summer."

No, no!

You can't ban "when spring
turns to summer!"

I need full access
to the Chinese market

if my romance novel
is going to succeed!

And that is--

[Applause]

No one wants that.

Nobody wants that,

but the most ingenious
attempt at subversion

was this--when a Chinese
soap opera actress's

supposed sex video
leaked last month,

an activist group edited
the video to add in

messages encouraging
people to show up

at Tiananmen Square

for the anniversary.

That is brilliant.

Can you even imagine
how smart we would be

if we snuck information
into our pornography?

"I want you so bad."

"Actually, it's badly,

"and that's just one
of 6 grammar rules

I'm anxious to cover
during this fornication."

Unfortunately, pornography
is illegal in China,

so the government took it down.

So what we'd need to
sneak the message out there

would be something
both legal

and massively popular
among China's youth.

REPORTER: "Friends" lives on
in the heart

of the Chinese capital,

where a Central Perk replica
has been built by Du Xin.

We want to be like
one of the characters

in the show.

It's about caring
between friends.

I'm crazy about "Friends."

Yeah. China is
for some reason

absolutely obsessed
with "Friends."

And Did you know that
the Chinese character

for "obsession
with Friends" is the same

as the one
for "opportunity"?

Because with that in mind,
this might help

young people in China remember
Tiananmen Square next year.

♪

Gentlemen, pick
your category.

Fears
and pet peeves.

"What is Monica's
biggest pet peeve?"

[Dubbed voice]
The government
k*lling people.

Correct.

Ladies.

Same category.

According to Chandler...

[Dubbed voice]
how many died in the 1989

Tiananmen Square protests?

[Dubbed voice]
Anywhere from


That is correct.

[Dubbed voice]
But why'd they
k*ll those guys?

[Dubbed voice]
They wanted free speech

and government
accountability.

♪

Hang in there, China.

"We'll be there for you."

Now moving on.

I'd like to talk to you
about the sausage principle

the theory that says
if you love something,

never find out
how it was made.

Well, tonight,
I would like to

show you my sausage.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait.

This is my sausage.

ANNOUNCER:
The 2014 FIFA World Cup.

Ooh!

OK, the World Cup
starts this week,

and I am both excited
and conflicted about it.

Now I know in America
soccer is something you

pick your 10-year-old
daughter up from,

but for me and everyone
else on Earth,

it's a little more important.

REPORTER: Soccer had become
Brazil's religion.

REPORTER: In Colombia,
soccer is a religion.

REPORTER: Football is
a religion here.

Soccer, or football like we say,
it's a religion.

Yeah, and they're
not exaggerating.

When David Beckham
got a tattoo of Jesus,

the response of most
soccer fans was,

"Ooh, that's huge for Jesus.

That's--that's
a big deal for him."

Here's my conflict.

The World Cup is one
of my favorite things,

but it's organized
by these guys--FIFA.

You either know it as
the Fédération Internationale

de Football Association

or that soccer video game
you have,

but for American viewers
who may never have

encountered them,
FIFA is a comically

grotesque organization.

In fact, telling someone
about the inner workings

of FIFA for the first time
is a bit like

showing someone
"2 Girls 1 Cup."

You do it mainly
so you can watch

the horrified expression
on people's faces.

Because let's start where
FIFA's current World Cup

is about to take place, Brazil.

Brazilians are excited
about everything.

This is how
they celebrate the fact

that it's just about
to be Lent.

They love the concept of giving
up chocolate temporarily.

They're also the biggest
soccer fans on Earth,

so they must be
thrilled at the prospect

of hosting the world cup.

REPORTER: There's
months of unrest in some

of the city's favelas,
or slums,

with clashes
between police and residents.

Here people demonstrated
against Brazil

holding the World Cup.

That makes no sense.

Why would you be unhappy
hosting the thing

that you love the most
in the world?

REPORTER: The government has
spent more than $11 billion

getting ready.

JON FRANKEL:
The United States team

will play its second game

here in the city of Manaus

in this brand-new,
$270 million stadium.

Manaus is so remote that
it's almost impossible

to reach by car,
which is why officials

had to have the stadium
materials brought in by boat,

shipped across the Atlantic
from Portugal

and up the Amazon river.

OK. That does seem like
a waste of money,

especially when you
consider that that stadium

is only going to be used
for 4 World Cup games.

There's no team in Manaus
that can fill it afterwards,

at which point it becomes

the world's most
expensive bird toilet.

No wonder Brazilians
are so upset,

especially when you
think about what they are

actually getting in return.

Well, and they're going
to make money,

as well as the money
they're spending.

Actually, FIFA makes
the money.

This is where
the controversy is.

The country usually
doesn't make money.

FIFA, the organization
of the World Cup,

is who makes the money.

Yeah. Brazil, let put this
in terms you might understand.

Think of money as pubic hair
and FIFA as wax.

They're going to be all over you
during the World Cup,

but when they go,
they're taking

all the money with them,

including some from places
you didn't know you had,

leaving you teary eyed, going,

"Jesus, what happened here?

"What--what happened?

I'm never doing
this again!"

Because here are
FIFA's tax demands

for prospective
host countries...

It is FIFA and its
FIFA subsidiaries

that are fully
exempt from any tax

whatsoever levied
at whatever level,

state level,
municipality level.

All sorts of taxes--
consumption taxes,

income taxes, you name it,
it's all exempt.

That's right.
By Brazil's own estimates,

they're allowing FIFA to forego
$250 million in taxes.

Somewhere,
Wesley Snipes is going,

"So soccer was the answer.

"Oh, God.

It seems so obvious now."

Now FIFA says they
leave a lot behind,

which they do,
like new laws.

Because, you see,
once upon a time,

Brazil did this.

In 2003, the Brazilian
government banned alcohol

from stadiums because
of the enormously high

death rate amongst fans.

Well, that seems like
a good idea.

Potentially
life-saving, even.

The only problem is
Budweiser is one

of FIFA's key sponsors,

and they sell a product
they reflexively insist

on calling "beer,"

and FIFA seemed anxious
to protect Budweiser

from a law designed
to protect people,

which is why FIFA's
secretary general went

to Brazil
with a simple message.

[French accent]
"Yes. Maybe I look
a bit arrogant,

"but, uh--how you say--

"f*ck your laws
and your public safety.

Is that--is that right?"

And the amazing
thing is FIFA won.

They successfully pressured
Brazil into passing

the so-called "Budweiser bill,"

allowing beer sales
in soccer stadiums,

and at this point,
you can either be horrified

by that or relieved
that FIFA wasn't also

sponsored
by cocaine and chain saws.

And Brazil--
Brazil is lucky.

Brazil's lucky.

At least, they just had FIFA
force alcohol on them.

When South Africa hosted
the World Cup 4 years ago,

FIFA forced the creation
of the FIFA World Cup Courts,

which sound funny.

It's like going to
the World Series and being

dragged in front
of Judge Philly Phanatic,

except FIFA's
courts were no joke.

Two Zimbabweans
who robbed foreign journalists

on a Wednesday were arrested
on a Thursday and began


the next day.

That is unsettlingly fast.

That's like when
you order Chinese food

and it comes 5 minutes later.

Thanks very much,
but that was too quick.

You didn't have time to
make this properly.

And there is a certain
irony in FIFA setting up

any kind of justice system,
given the scandals that have

dogged it over the years.

Football's governing body
has tried to tackle

its shady inner workings
by suspending two executives

on corruption charges.

The FIFA scandal rumbles on.

Jack Warner, who
was at the center
of bribery accusations,

has resigned as vice president.

There's been so many
corruption scandals

that FIFA have had
to deal with.

Bribery and FIFA
go together like

peanut butter and jelly.

Yeah, but they
shouldn't, though.

Peanut butter and jelly are
supposed to go together.

FIFA and bribery
should go together like

peanut butter and a child
with a deadly nut allergy.

No, Devin, no!

It's for your brother!

And if you think FIFA
can't get any more

cartoonishly evil,

this is their headquarters'
actual boardroom.

That's right.

FIFA apparently
modeled where they meet

on the w*r room from
"Dr. Strangelove."

That is exhibit "A"
for an organization that

does not give a shit
what you think about them,

and yet, the head of FIFA
maintains that they are merely

a humble,
nonprofit organization.

We are a nonprofit
organization,

and we have to remain
a nonprofit organization.

A nonprofit with over
a billion dollars
in the bank.

Yes, but this
is a reserve.

A reserve?

A reserve
of a billion dollars?

When your rainy day fund
is so big you've got to

check it for
swimming cartoon ducks,

you might not be
a nonprofit anymore.

That--by the way--

[Cheering and applause]

that man--the man you just saw

is Sepp Blatter,

and even his name should
have been a red flag.

If your name is Sepp,
at the bare minimum,

you've strangled someone
in a bar fight.

That's just a fact.

And let me just give you
a taste of Sepp Blatter

as a human being.

Recently, he was asked
how should women's soccer

be made more popular.

He said, well, they should
wear shorter shorts.

Great idea.

Put the ladies
in hot paints,

call it foxy soccer,

and while you're at it,
tighten up the jerseys,

maybe replace the ball
with a plate of hot wings,

and, f*ck it, let's just
open a Hooters.

FIFA--FIFA,
the humble nonprofit,

even recently spent
$27 million to fund

"United Passions,"
a fictionalized version

of their history starring,
for some reason,

Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter,

and this movie, like FIFA
itself, looks terrible.

We'll be the Fédération
Internationale

de Football Association.

FIFA.

The first World Cup
will be held in Uruguay.

MAN: You have everything
you need to run our family,

but, you know,
the slightest error,

and you're out.

Who makes a sports film where
the heroes are the executives?

And the crazy thing is,
you don't need two hours

and Tim Roth because
the greatest film

about Sepp Blatter
has already been made.

It's 10 seconds long,
and it's on YouTube.

[Men speaking French]

[Laughter and applause]

That is--wonderfully--

that is the one time you
can genuinely say,

"I'm glad that old man
fell off a stage."

But perhaps the worst
part of FIFA is not even

its past or its present.

It's its future

because the host of
the 2022 World Cup

has already been decided.

The winner to organize
the 2022 FIFA World Cup

is Qatar!

Qatar?

There's between


that is an awful idea.

Summer temperatures
in Qatar can reach some



a difficult environment
to hold

a professional
sporting event outdoors.




You are hosting
the World Cup somewhere

where soccer cannot
physically be played.

That's like if the NFL
chose to host

the Super Bowl in a lake.

Now there are now allegations
that some FIFA executives

took bribes to put
the World Cup in Qatar,

and I hope that's true

because, otherwise,
it makes literally no sense,

and not just because
of the weather

but because
of the working conditions.

WOMAN: Qatar is a sl*ve state
in the 21st century.

REPORTER: A migrant worker
can't leave the country

without an exit visa.

That visa has to be
approved by his employer.

Who has your passport?

So you're
trapped here?

We've got coffins
coming on every day,

more than a worker
per day on average
is dying.

WOMAN: Conservatively
from the figures

of just two countries,
India and Nepal,

more than 4,000 workers
will die before a ball

is kicked off in 2022.

So what you're
essentially saying is

the Qatar World Cup
is shaping up to be

the most deadly Middle East
construction project

since this one.

And by this point,
I hope I've proven to you

that FIFA is just appalling,

and yet
here's their power.

I am still so excited
about the World Cup next week,

and it's very hard to justify
how I can get so much joy

from an organization
that's caused so much pain

other than going back
to where we started.

Soccer, or football
like we say,

it's a religion.

But it's not just that.

It's an organized religion,

and FIFA is its church.

Just think about it.

Its leader is infallible,

it compels South American
countries to spend money

they don't have building
opulent cathedrals,

and it may ultimately be
responsible

for the deaths
of shocking numbers of people

in the Middle East,

but--but--but--

[Applause]

but for millions
of people around the world,

like me, it is
also the guardian

of the only thing that gives
their lives any meaning,

and if that comparison
does not make Americans

love soccer,
then frankly nothing will.

And now this.

I worked in the business
of politics back when you had

people like O'Neill,
Tip O'Neill, my boss.

I worked for Tip O'Neill,
as everybody knows.

My great boss Tip O'Neill...

Tip O'Neill, my old boss...

Tip O'Neill, my old boss...

And I got to go
because I was Tip's guy.

Tip...Tip...Tip...Tip O'Neill.

By the way, my old boss
Tip O'Neill loved

"The Golden Girls."

And finally,
finally tonight,

a lighter subject--Syria.

For 3 years now,
Bashar al-Assad has been

brutally clamping down
on his own people,

k*lling an estimated


and displacing millions,

and yet, Assad is still there.

He's like herpes or
"A Prairie Home Companion."

At this point,
he's clearly never

f*cking going away,

and this week,
in the midst of the bloodbath,

he even had the bare-faced balls
to stage an election.

Guess how that turned out.

WOMAN: According to new reports
this afternoon

President Bashar al-Assad
allegedly won

nearly 89% of the votes.



All dictators
should know

a rigged election should
be like a pleasant spring day--

high 60s, low 70s.

[Cheering and applause]

Now. Yes.

Bashar al-Assad
is a maniac,

and nothing we can do is
going to stop him.

We even tried taking away
his chemical weapons last year.

Guess what happened.

REPORTER: The Syrian regime may
have found a loophole.

Chlorine gas, which can
be used legitimately

in water treatment,
has also allegedly been used

in recent government
bombing att*cks.

The poison gas burns
the lungs and can be deadly.

And we're not going to do
anything about that

because the opposition are
literally made up of literally

of 1,000 distinct
armed units,

and any regime change is
likely to be followed

by ethnic cleansing,

and I know you're thinking
"Well, it's the Middle East.

"I'm sure everything
will be fine.

It always is,"

but honestly, this time,
I'm not so sure.

Basically, we are stuck,

and Syria is
at the mercy of this guy.

So if we're forced to
live in a perpetual nightmare,

let's at least learn something
about the man who put us there.

What is this
supervillain's back story?

REPORTER: Growing up,
he was a polite boy

who never lorded his status
over his friends.

Assad ended up studying
ophthalmology in London

and was known more
for his love of volleyball

and rock music
than for his interest

in Syrian politics.

OK. That's as surprise.

A volleyball-, music-loving
ophthalmologist was not

the back story
I was expecting,

although, when you look
at his face,

it does actually make sense

because he could
not look more like

an ophthalmologist than that.

So why didn't he just
follow his dream,

his incredibly boring dream,
and do that?

Because He should be treating
an 8-year-old's case

of pink eye right now,

and the tragic thing is that
actually could have happened

fit wasn't
for a cruel twist of fate.

REPORTER: In 1994, Assad
was suddenly called back

to Syria after his older
brother was k*lled

in a car accident.

He was now next
in line to rule.

So he was actually
second choice

behind his older brother,

and we're just lucky
to have avoided

the third Assad brother Dustin,
who's such a screw-up

he forgot to wish
Aunt Linda a happy birthday.

f*ck you, Dustin!

She only turns 75 once.

Look. I'm not
a psychologist,

but I would say that Assad
has some family issues.

The strong figure
in this family

after the death
of Hafez al-Assad

was Aniseh, the wife
of Hafez al-Assad,

the mother of Bashar,

and she was known early
on in this rebellion

to urge Bashar to
crack down even harder,

to live up to the legacy
of his father.

So his mother
is pressuring him?

Absolutely.

Oh, that's just perfect.

So now we've got
a brutal dictator

with mommy issues.

Next thing we're going
to hear about him

it's his bed-wetting problem

and the fact that he
won't go anywhere

without his Woobie.

In fact, the more you
learn about Assad,

the more you're forced
to come to terms

with the fact that he's
half mass m*rder*r

and half your creepy
sophomore-year roommate

because two years ago,
a trove of his e-mails leaked,

and all of a sudden,
the world had

a fascinating glimpse
into his music tastes.

JOHN KING: And as the people
of Syria have been fighting

and dying for their freedom,
their president

Bashar al-Assad
apparently has been

ordering pop music
off iTunes.

His play list includes

"Sexy and I Know It"

by LMFAO.

LMFAO?

So we're dealing
with someone

with the political instincts
of a young Joseph Stalin

and the music tastes
of a 14-year-old girl

from Orange County
named Tiffany.

"That song is so
hot right now."

Among Assad's other
iTunes purchases were--

and this is true--
a song from "Right Said Fred,"

the British sensation

that you might remember
from this...

♪ I'm too sexy for your body

♪ Too sexy
for your body ♪

That is--that is
a great song, by the way,

but--but--but it should not be
on a dictator's play list.

A dictator's power is
in their mystique.

When you picture Assad,
he wants you to hear this...

[Ominous music playing]

But now--now when
you look at him,

all you should be able
to hear is this...

RIGHT SAID FRED:
♪ I'm sexy, and I know it

And that's the point.
That's the point.

Yes--yes, he's a monster,
but he's also a moron,

which is why it's
so frustrating that

we are powerless to do
anything to hurt him.

If only there were
something, however small,

that we could do.

I guess we could find
something he loves

and turn it against him.

We could track down,
let's say, Right Said Fred,

and we could,
hypothetically,

fly them all the way over
here from London to perform

a specially rewritten
anti-Assad version

of their greatest hit, but--

[Cheering and applause]

but would it really
be worth all that time

and expense just
for the momentary catharsis

of mildly irritating
one of the worst people

on the planet?

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present to you

one of Bashar al-Assad's
favorite bands

Right Said Fred!

[Cheering and applause]

♪

♪ You're too awful
for this Earth ♪

♪ Too awful for this Earth

♪ So awful it hurts

♪ Your face has barely
got a chin ♪

♪ It's barely got a chin

♪ You look just like him

♪ So please stop
downloading our tracks ♪

♪ Stop downloading
our tracks ♪

♪ Here's your money back

♪ You're a monster

♪ We hate your regime

♪ And we think you should
be tried for w*r crimes ♪

♪ Yeah, for w*r crimes
yeah, for w*r crimes, yeah ♪

♪ You probably should be
on trial for w*r crimes ♪

♪ You're an ophthalmologist,
an ophthalmologist ♪

♪ Hey, can you read this?

♪ You're just
a walking taint ♪

♪ The opposite
of a saint ♪

♪ At least Hitler
could paint ♪

♪ You're a monster
and a volleyball fan ♪

♪ But more than that,
you're an assh*le ♪

♪ You're an assh*le
who's afraid of his mom ♪

♪ You're a murdering,
mom-fearing assh*le ♪

♪ You're an assh*le,
you're an assh*le, yeah ♪

♪ Everyone thinks
you're an assh*le ♪

All together now!

♪ You're an assh*le,
you're an assh*le, yeah ♪

♪ Everyone thinks
you're an assh*le ♪

[Cheering]

Here we go!

♪ Please stop listening
to our songs ♪

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Thank you!

That's our show!
Thank you.

Thank you to
Right Said Fred.

Thanks for watching.
Have a great week!

♪