01x05 - New Addition

[bunniefuu]

My history teacher, Mr. Futtstein,

says a disaster is "an unexpected event

with unforeseen, long-term, devastating consequences"--

you know, like the fall of the Roman Empire,

the Black Plague, or the breakup of The Bangles--

but there are a bunch of little-known disasters,

which are frequently overlooked,

like the great Potato Chip Famine of .

It was a quiet spring evening in April when tragedy struck.

Sam and I were about to watchRevenge of the Nerds,

our favorite cult movie of all time,

when, unsuspectingly, we opened a bag of Super-Ridgy

Sour-Cream-'n-Garlic potato chips.

As fate would have it,

a terrible catastrophe was about to unfold.

They were crumbs... All crumbs.

And who can forget the great Fondue Fire

of Christmas ?

Misfortune and ruin seized the innocent Darling family

just as they were merrily enjoying a holiday fondue,

which lit up the season...

And unfortunately, the Christmas centerpiece.

[siren and fire bells]

And, of course, who wasn't shocked

by the devastating disaster,

which occurred in French class just last week.

It seemed like a common, normal Monday.

[speaking French]

Oh, no!Oh, no!

[speaking French]

They say there's supposed to be this calm before a storm--

you know, when everything gets really still,

sort of like it is now,

and then the air gets really heavy.

[wind blowing] Hey...Just like this air.

Come on, sport. Let's come inside.

It's going to rain.O.K., dad.

There's only one thing this could mean--

the greatest disaster of all time

is headed right toward my house.

[thunder]

[Mother] Clarissa, come in, dear.

What could be worse than famine, fire, or a pop-quiz?

I'll tell you.

Baton down the hatches and hold onto your hat.

My parents are going to have another k-I-d kid,

and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

[thunder]

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it ♪

They say "to err is human."

Well, then, to really screw up is parental.

I can't believe Mom and Dad are even thinking

about having a baby, and without my input.

O.K., they haven't admitted it yet,

but here's the disturbing evidence I found

that there's a baby on the way.

What do you think?

Mom's been going through wallpaper samples.

Pink wallpaper?

My room's already pink, so what's the swatch for?

Pink is for newborns.

And while we're at it, what's a swatch, anyway?

O.K., here's the second piece of evidence.

One night after dinner,

dad had this burst of inspiration.

Then, plain as day, under the pea-soup smudge,

there it was--

plans for a secret home improvement.

And here's the most shocking evidence of all.

What do you think she's doing?

Sometimes parents can be so inconsiderate.

I mean, they already ruined my life once

when they brought that brown-nosing twerp Ferg-face

into this world.

Parents just don't know when to quit.

Hi, Sam.

Do correspondence schools accept junior high dropouts?

I don't know. Why?

Here. Look at this ad.

Since when did you get interested in refrigeration?

I've always liked fresh produce.

Sam.Look.

If I take this course,

I can unravel the secrets of a*t*matic icemakers,

like "how ice cubes multiply so fast"

and "what do you call that shape they come in?"

Besides, my science experiment's due this week.

What happened? I thought it was going well.

They all d*ed.

Sam's studying the effects of playing Wilson Phillips,

The New Kids, and Julio Iglesias on bean sprouts.

I think it was a case of plant su1c1de.

Maybe it's an undiscovered, bizarre botanical ritual,

where the young bean sprouts hear secret messages

when you play Julio Iglesias backwards

and it just pushes them over the edge.

I thought you hear those messages

when you play Julio Iglesias forwards.

Besides, it wasn't the music that k*lled my experiment.

It was Ohio.

Ohio is Sam's dog.

We were playing "find the beastie treat,"

and Ohio slammed into the bookcase.

The pots broke all over my dad's records.

Ouch.

Yeah,Frank Sinatra's Collected Early Years

is totally covered with mulch.

I've got to replace Dad's collection by Monday

for his hot date,

or I get three consecutive life sentences

of solitary confinement in my room.

C'est une grandebummer.

Yeah, and I know I'm going to flunk science

if I don't come up with another experiment, quick.

Sam...let's see if I've got something

in my "experiments to be conducted" file.

Here's one-- if you cover fish-face

with double-strength pimple remover,

will he disappear off the face of the earth?

Yeah, but your brother would never cooperate.

You're right. What about this one?

If you add fizzies to a jar of guppies.

Will they do synchronized water ballet?

Is this a riddle?

Here we go.

Are ranch-flavored Tastito Chips

really an important ingredient for rocket fuel?

Now, there's a hypothesis.

My theory was that if you mix one bag of chips

for every two cans of soda and find the secret ingredient,

you could launch a man to the moon.

Did it work?

I never found the secret ingredient.

But who knows, even if you can't power a rocket,

you might make some pretty tasty snacks.

Sounds interesting.

I wonder if this is how Einstein got his start.

Hey, once you've figured out how to make rocket fuel,

we can send Ferguson and the intruder into orbit.

The intruder?

Sam, I think my parents are planning to have another kid.

No way.

They've been acting really strange lately.

Hey, I think it would be great

to have a little brother or sister,

someone to idolize me, worship the ground I walk on...

Well, at least follow me around once in a while.

Sam, take it from me,

younger brothers and sisters can be a drag.

I mean, look at the mutant down the hall.

Who knows what could happen next time.

What are you going to do?

Well, it's going to mean snooping, plotting,

and some serious sucking up

to find out exactly what's going on.

Now, who do I know who's good at that?

[Hail to the Chiefplaying]

[knock on door]

Enter and pay your respects.

Hi, Fish-face.

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was one of my constituents.

Your what?

You're looking at the new vice president

of the Dan Quayle Fan Club.

You've got to be kidding.

You can call me "Mr. Vice president."

Ferguson, I'm surprised at you.

You let someone else be the president of your club?

There is no president, only a vice president.

We have a rule that no one can have office higher

than the person of whom we are a fan.

Vice President Dan Quayle--

Vice President Ferguson Darling--

it's a club rule.

What do you want, anyway?

Oh, I just wanted to see how you're taking the news.

I'm fine. Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have a constitution to write. [clears throat]

O.K. See you.

Hold it.

Exactly what news are you talking about?

Oh, you don't have to play cool with me.

You're probably just too upset.

What do you mean?

Well, I guess baby-sitting every afternoon

will help develop your leadership skills.

Baby-sitting?

That's what older brothers do

when his parents are having a new B-A-B-Y.

Baby? What?

You mean Mom and Dad?

Why? How could they do this to me?

Well, you know what Mom always says,

when a man and woman care for each other

and they fall in love and they want to have a baby--

Ick! Stop! I don't want to know.

Oba-kaybee!

You're trying to trick me, aren't you?

Well, I don't believe you.

Ferguson, Ferguson, Ferguson.

I'm just preparing you

for this incredible turning point in your life.

A baby will change everything.

It will not!

What do you mean?

Well, when the baby comes, it will be fun at first,

but it won't be long before the little monster turns on you.

Go on, Ferguson, say hello to the new baby.

Coochie-coochie-coo!

Yah!

The next thing you know,

it'll be wearing your penny loafers

and taking money out of your bank account.

That's horrible!

First, it starts to smell bad...

No!And it cries all night long...

No!

And soon Mom and Dad have no time for you.

Mom!

♪ All right, all right ♪♪

More lima beans, Ferguson?

Uh, no, thanks, dad.

Oh. How about you, sport?

No, thanks, Dad. I'm still working on these.

Uh, Mom, you must be feeling kind of different.

Different?

You know, with all the life beginning

and the change inside.

Ferguson, dear, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Gee, Mom, don't you feel a tiny kernel of life

taking hold in your...

I don't know. Wherever that happens.

Ferguson, have you been studying too hard?

No, Mom.

I'm worried about you, dear.

I'm fine.

You're probably wondering what's going on here.

If you think this is weird,

you should have seen Ferguson before dinner.

Don't ask me why, but Ferguson thinks

if he can keep Mom and Dad apart,

he won't have to worry about a new baby.

Here's the little crowbar at work.

Dad makes a play for Mom, but wait.

Ferg blocks and Dad fumbles.

And with the fanciest feet in show business,

it's the tap-dance kid.

You've got to admire the kid's stamina,

even if it is too late.

Marshall, maybe this is a good time

to talk about our plans.

Plans?[Ferguson] What plans?

Well, we were trying to keep it a secret,

but, uh, we might as well let the cat out of the bag.

Mom, no!

Ferguson, we've given this a lot of thought.

We want you guys to be the first to know

that the Darling household will be expanding.

I think I'm going to be sick!

Clarissa, what's wrong with your brother?

Maybe he's having an allergic reaction

to lima beans.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

Oh! Sam, what's that smell?

[nasal voice] See, the potassium benzoate molecules

in the Diet Cherry Cola

bond with the clyonides in the Ranch-flavored Tastitos,

and produce a strong-smelling hydrogen sulfide.

Sam, my room smells like

a cross between Wally Butterman's breath

and Duncan Dworkin's locker.

Look at poor Elvis.

He doesn't mind. He gets the leftovers.

[burp]

So how is the rocket fuel coming along?

I tried cola with caffeine,

cola without caffeine,

cola with caffeine with Nutrasweet,

cola without caffeine with Nutrasweet,

and Nutrasweet with caffeine without cola.

So far, nothing's worked.

Maybe you should switch to an uncola.

I thought I'd move away from soda,

but that was a total bust.

Really? What did you try?

A bunch of things, and believe me,

not one of them made rocket fuel.

First, I mixed the chips with green Jell-O

and a dash of Cher's new perfume.

[Clarissa] And that didn't work?

[Sam] Well, you could use it as a scented night light,

but it's not gonna send a man to the moon.

[Clarissa] Too bad.

[Sam] The worst is when I added marshmallows

and sprinkled the chips with Wash-'n-Wipe Detergent.

That was a total flop.

[Clarissa] That must have been interesting.

[Sam] Yeah, it was real light and fluffy.

But this is science.

Light and fluffy's not enough.

So I guess it's back to the drawing board.

Yeah, so what's new on the baby front?

Are they really gonna have another kid?

The results of Ferguson's interrogation

seem totally conclusive,

and every time I see Mom,

she's looking at wallpaper or knitting.

What am I supposed to think?

You mean she wants a baby, or she's having one?

Oh, well, I know she wants one,

and I thought she was...

Wow.

You know, I'm not sure.

Well, if I were you,

I'd get to the real story, Clarissa.

Clarissa?

In conclusion, I believe that any new project

could be a significant drain on your outer resources,

as well as my own personal inner resources,

which will eventually drain your outer resources as well,

due to this category.

Ferguson, why are you being so resistant?

I'm a conservative, Mom,

and this great country was founded

on a firm commitment to the tried and true.

I believe it was

our great forefather Samuel Adams who said,

"When the moon is full and bright,

only a fool would light a candle."

Hey, what's with you guys, huh?

I mean, I think we could all use

a little change around here.

Besides, change helps you grow.

But we like our little lives the way they are.

You know, we're not just doing this for ourselves.

We're doing it for you too.

We want you to participate in the process.

That's disgusting!

Ferguson, this is something we've wanted to do

since before you were born.

Because you knew you'd be disappointed with Ferguson?

Because we couldn't afford it before.

Well, I'm sure once the dust has settled,

you'll be very happy with our new addition.

New addition?What're we gonna do?

Oh, no, it's really true!How will I go on?

Kids, kids, come on.

Look, I know change can be difficult,

but you're just gonna have to stop thinking about yourselves

and readjust your attitudes.

Yeah. Is that absolutely clear, kids?

I guess you don't want to see my chart

on "Family Planning--

Cutting Back in the s."

You smell it.

It was your idea. You smell it.

You're the one that wanted to mix Barbecue Tastitos

with the gooky stuff on the outside of Spam.

But maybe it's the secret ingredient.

Where is your commitment to science?

Your burning desire

to push mankind's knowledge to the limit?

That's your department.

Besides, I'm too busy worrying about the new baby.

So what are your parents going to name it?

I don't know.

They'd better pick a good one since everybody knows

you grow up to be just like your name.

Like if you name your kid "Duke,"

he'll turn out to be a cowboy?

Exactly.

That's why you don't want to name your kid Nigel,

Alistair, Colin,or Hugh.

Because they grow up to be on those British shows on PBS.

That's right, and if your name is Vanna,

Bunny, Tappy, or Leeza with two E's and a Z...

You'll find yourself turning letters onWheel of Fortune

and pointing to cars onThe New Price is Right.

Mom and Dad would never name their kid Leeza.

You never know. They named you Clarissa.

O.K., O.K.

If I were you, I'd start a campaign

to name it Sam right away.

What if it's a girl?

Well, Samantha sounds good to me.

[sighs] Cut it out.

O.K., I'll just be heating up the beakers

and mashing up the chips,

and looking for that secret ingredient.

O.K., I racked my brain all day

to find something worse in life than having a new baby brother.

I only came up with four things:

Number one, I'd rather be tied

to a hill of red ants at high noon;

number two, wear high heels

to The Children's Museum th of July picnic;

number three, write thank-you notes

for every birthday present I've ever received;

and four, eat Tastitos mixed with

the gooky stuff on the outside Spam.

No, I take that back.

Hi. I'm collecting signatures

for my petition to honor the O.C.A.

What's the O.C.A.?

Only Children of America.

We're endorsed by Vice President Quayle

and the vice president of his fan club.

Who could that be, I wonder?

At O.C.A., we believe all children

should be only children,

which is why we relocate new brothers and sisters

to places like Greenland

where they can help their adopted family harvest scrod.

As an only child, I feel it's beneficial--

Excuse me, but you're not an only child.

I can dream, can't I?

I was an only child before you were born,

so I guess I can't sign that.

Just leave off your last name so no one gets suspicious.

Ferg-face, I'm sorry.

I don't think the whole thing will work.

You're right. Nothing will work.

Our mother's abandoning us by having a baby.

The world as we know it is coming to an end!

What's the matter with him?

Brain rot.

Ferguson, stop wigging out.

I can't! My golden years have passed!

Why do people even have babies, anyway?

I don't know. So they'll have someone

to support them in their old age.

So the teams are even for "Capture the Flag"?

I think it's because they have

all these motherly and fatherly urges

that they have to get out of their system.

You mean that babies really don't want to burp,

it's just that moms want to burpthem?

Exactly.

Are you sure?Kind of.

Well, if they're so into burping,

why don't parents just go to the store

and buy a bunch of Burping Betty Dolls?

Hey, wait a second.What?

I think she's having a breakthrough.

See all we have to do is get rid of Mom and Dad's urges.

Then they won't want another baby.

How are you going to do that?

Let me think.

So you can't make rocket fuel from Ranch-style Tastitos chips

without some kind of potassium catalyst.

Werner Von Florshein proved it in Germany in !

Yeah, but, see, it says here,

the elements Von Florshein used

were the equivalents for pretzels,

schnitzels, and schnapps.

That is a whole different angle.

Hmm.

Maybe the answer is

in the little black flecks in the Tastito chips.

Notice the irregular--O.K., you guys.

I've got the plan all worked out.

With some well-aimed behavior modifications,

Mom and Dad's plans will crumble in no time.

Watch out for low-flying storks.

[Ferguson] what's in that bundle?

Uh, here, see for yourself.

When the stork flies over the house, aim low.

[Sam] Bombs away.

[Ferguson] Hey, I'm a baby.

[Clarissa] An instant transformation.

Oh, and you're so mature?

Whoa! It's raining babies!

[Ferguson] It's a population expl*si*n!

[babies crying]

[Clarissa] See, the house can't hold any more babies.

All we have to do is act like babies.

What good will that do?

Don't you see?

It'll remind Mom and Dad of how disgusting it was when you...

[clears throat]And I were babies.

They'll never want to go through it again.

what a great idea.

They'll get over all their weird

motherly and fatherly yearnings.

That's right, but if the plan's going to succeed,

we have to work together.

and we've got to start tonight at dinner.

I guess it's worth it

to not have another you running around.

Hey, spazoid, you missed.

Leave me alone, ding brain.

Wad breath!

Boy, teamwork is

a beautiful thing.

Bunion head.Goiter face.

Slug head.

So, how's your Dan Quayle Fan Club

coming along, Ferguson?

Very well. My membership is up to two.

Well, I'm pleased to see

you're taking such an interest in politics.

Yeah, even if your role model's a little, you know, weak.

You know, Dad, I feel that Dan Quayle serves

as an excellent reminder that anyone,

no matter what their qualifications,

can be elected into civil office.

He's a symbol of what makes our country great.

Yeah, well, Ferguson, when I was a kid,

we had leaders you could care about.

You know, leaders who could make us think.

I don't know.

That's my spoon!

No, it'smyspoon!Uh, kids!

I mean--I mean, where are the Kennedys

now that we need them, you know?

Where's Adlai Stevenson, Martin Luther King...

You know, what about Barbara Walters?

That's my spoon!

I had it first!

Ferguson, give your sister's spoon to her.

Of course, Barbara Walters is not a politician,

she's a reporter, but she knows lots of politicians,

and, see, the point I'm trying to make--

oh, oh! Stop that!

What's going on here?

Nee, nee, nee! Goo, goo!

Gaa, gaa! Goo, goo!

Oh, all right, you two!Cut it out!

Nee, nee! Noo, noo, noo!

Gaa, gaa, gaa, gaa, gaa![Mother] Stop it!

I've had just about enough of this infantile behavior!

Really? You have?

You better believe I have.

So I guess you're sick of babies?

And you've changed your mind about having another baby?

What?What?

I guess we won't be needing all that pink wallpaper.

Clarissa, what are you talking about?

We're not having another baby.

Hallelujah!

At least I'm not. Are you, dear?

No, not that I know of.

Now where did you get a crazy idea like that?

Well, there was the wallpaper and the knitting...

And the "new addition" thing.

You thought th--For crying out loud!

The knitting was for a spider web project

at The Children's Museum.

The new addition is a game room.

A game room?

Well, actually, I'd say it's more like

a library-music room, dear.

Honey, we talked about this.

Where am I gonna put the pool table?

What about the piano my sister from Canada's sending us?

The new addition is a game room?

[expl*si*n]

[gasps]What was that?

Oh, no.

My room!

Ohh! What happened?

I did it! I did it!

I found the secret ingredient!

I just mixed two parts Tastitos and bean dip

with / cup extra-caffeinated cola

and the secret ingredient-- Kaopectate--and blast-off!

What have you been doing in here?

Oh, you know, Dad.

Making rocket fuel from chips and dip.

Can I interest anybody in an atomic cocktail?

I'm really sorry about this.Don't worry.

I've always wanted to live in a barbecue pit.

Wonder if I'll ever get that ranch smell

out of my bedspread.

Hey, Sam, that ribbon's great.

Yeah, Mr. Cudgel gave me first prize

in the science fair.

He said my discovery of the Tastitos/cola reaction

ranks right up there with the invention of Velcro.

But what about your dad?

He called me a genius.

Dad was so proud,

he even forgot about the Sinatra records I trashed.

But the best was when NASA called

to find out my formula.

Who could have thought that important,

useful, scientific discoveries could be made from junk food?

You know, it's scary that rocket fuel and cola

have the same ingredients.

Hey...

These Cheesies are untouched.

Wow!

If this stuff could withstand

that kind of blast,

imagine what it could do for earthquake protection.

I can see it now,

skyscrapers encased in Cheesies.

What an idea!

So your folks aren't going to have another baby

and name it Sam, huh?

Sorry, Sam.

But here's a priceless souvenir

I can watch anytime I start thinking

I might want a new baby brother or sister.

Check this out.

[Sam] Gross!

Let's see that again in slow mo.

[toy squeaks]

Look at him go!

I'm saving this for future blackmail.

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it ♪

[thunder]