02x05 - ME 101

[bunniefuu]

- The main thing you have to

remember about mothers is, everybody's had one.

Sometimes it's hard to believe,

like Genghis Khan's mom probably once had to say...

- Genghis!

Ghengis, it's raining outside. Wear a hood.

- And Ozzie Osbourne's mom had to tell him...

[rock music]

- Simmer down, Oswald, It's always fun till someone

pokes an eye out.

Aye?

- Moms have been perfecting their craft for millions

of years, which brings us

to my mom, Janet Darling,

one of the all-stars of momosity.

She knows the three rules of motherhood by heart.

Rule number one: mom must at all times

love her daughter no matter what.

- I will love my daughter no matter what.

- Rule number two: moms should at all times let her daughter

do whatever she wants.

- I will let my daughter do whatever she wants.

- And if doing whatever I want leads to trouble,

we go straight for rule number three.

- I will love my daughter no matter what.

- The mom system has always worked... until now.

Suddenly, it's not enough just to love me.

My mom is actually trying to get to know me.

[lively percussive music]

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

- Ever had TMT?

I'm currently caught in the primary stages of this

dreaded syndrome.

No, TMT's not a new music video

station or lethal expl*sives.

TMT stands for

"Teenage Mom Trauma."

It's happened to lots of great mother-daughter teams.

Wilma and Pebbles, Cher and Chastity,

Shamu and Baby Orca-- they've all had to conquer TMT.

- Clarissa?

- Hi, mom, I was just thinking about you.

- I thought I'd make acorn squash casserole for dinner.

How's that sound? - Sounds great.

- And I thought you loved acorn squash casserole.

- Well, I did, but then I grew teeth

and moved on to solid foods.

- Oh, I can't believe I don't

even know what my own daughter likes to eat.

- Wait, mom, it's okay, really.

I'll try some of that acorn squash casserole.

[sighs]

You're probably wondering what could turn simple dinner plans

into a major sniffle fest.

Well, to find the answer, we have go to back, way back,

to the night before last.

The only thing on TV was a documentary about marmosets,

so we were forced to read for entertainment.

What a concept.

Mom found a test in "Modern Mom" magazine

called "How Well Do You Know Your Daughter?"

and said...

"This looks like fun.

Go ahead, test me, Clarissa."

Okay, here goes.

"If your daughter was stranded on a desert island and could

"take one thing with her, what would it be?

"A] Personal stereo,

"B] Personal library,

or C] Personal trainer?"

- I'd say A], your personal stereo.

- That's right. Okay, next question.

"Who does your daughter most admire?

"A] Mother Teresa,

"B] Marilyn Monroe,

or C] Marla Maples?"

- Oh, geez, that's tough.

I know how you like old movies.

- Well, actually, I-- - Don't tell me, Clarissa.

That's cheating. B] Marilyn.

- Okay.

Next question.

"Who's your daughter's dream date?

"A] Johnny Depp,

"B] Pauly Shore,

or C] Bart Simpson?"

- Johnny Depp, right?

- Well, that was true last year.

Mom started off okay, but it was

all downhill from there.

[light music]

♪

On a scale of zero to ,

she earned a score of exactly...

[buzzer] - Two?

- Mom, how seriously can you take a test that has a perfume

sample on the next page?

It's no big deal.

[shimmering tone]

Well, it didn't seem like a big

deal until it turned into a

major does of TMT for me.

- No, I still don't think people are gonna get it.

Uh, you better run this by me again, Ferguson.

- With pleasure, Dad.

Indicators indicate that the commodity index is

stabilizing percentagewise. - Which means?

- Which means that it's time for Ferg-Dynamics,

where "The Miracle is You." - Oh.

Well, that's-that's getting there, Ferguson.

- What are you doing? - Oh, I'm sponsoring Ferguson

in his quest to get into the Junior Money Maverick's Club,

and there's a $ minimum income requirement.

- With my business smarts, I'm a shoe-in.

- Ferg-Dynamics?

Dad, how could you?

- The answer to that and many other baffling

questions lies in my seminar. - No, thanks.

- No money down, just a low $. for my

instructional seminar. - Count me out.

- Guess that means no.

- Yeah, well, I wouldn't let it get you down, Ferguson.

Remember your motto. - The sale really starts when

the buyer says no. - Mm-hmm.

Come on, let's get some work done.

- Clarissa, I found the perfect way to get to know you better.

Look what I got at the library.

- "The Daughter Within." - Mm-hmm.

- "My Daughter, My Mother, Myself,"

"Offspring and How to Bond with Them"?

Mom, how do these help?

- Well, Hilda Demstov from

the Children's Museum recommended them.

She had a similar situation with her daughter.

- Oh, not Mimsy Dimsdale.

Mom, Mimsy has a collection of fuzzy unicorns and wants

to teach synchronized swimming when she grows up.

- Just because you're two different people

doesn't change the approach.

The first step to tackling any problem is research.

"Total togetherness is the basis of a close

mother-daughter relationship."

We need to spend more quality time together.

- Mom, you can't let some dumb magazine test make you think

you don't know me.

You know my favorite type of cookie, right?

- Oatmeal raisin.

- Well, that used to be my favorite, but now super-duper

peanut butter chunks is my favorite-favorite.

What's my favorite color?

- Easy. Blue, right? - Yeah, I like blue.

You know that lightish blue color in the ocean with a lot

of green in it? Well, actually, mostly green--okay,

green, but it's close to blue. - Don't coddle me, Clarissa.

- Maybe you're right, Mom.

What do you say you get to know me in my own element?

- The malt shop?

- No, Mom, my room.

I don't think they have malt shops anymore.

- I was just kidding, Clarissa.

[funky music]

♪

We've been in your element

a whole hour, and I'm still making no progress.

I can't believe I'm so out of touch with my own daughter.

- I think I know the perfect way for us to get closer.

Of course, it's a little unconventional.

- I'll try anything. - Okay, then.

First, you open up your bag... - Okay.

- Then you take out your car keys...

- Uh-huh.

- Place them in my hand... - Clarissa.

- What better way for you to really understand your own

daughter than by seeing her at her best, behind the wheel,

wind in her hair, cruising down a major highway?

- Clarissa, I won't get to know you any better cruising

down a major highway.

- What do you say to two alleys, a boulevard,

and a couple of back streets?

- I say I better get back to the library before it closes.

I've gotta return these books and come up with a whole

new game plan. - Mom, wait!

Hi, Sam.

- Hey, Clarissa.

- What's the on the Nirvana concert?

- Totally sold out.

- We're never gonna get tickets.

- There is one chance.

The rock critic on my dad's paper ordered Nirvana

tickets for his girlfriend's cousin in the Navy.

If he's not back from Tahiti by Saturday, we're in.

- That would be so amazing.

- I know it's a long sh*t, but it's the only way we're

ever going to get tickets. - I hope it works,

'cause I can't stay in this house any longer.

When your mom wants to get

to know you, there's nowhere to hide.

- Well, parents may think they

wanna know you, but they don't really.

Like take the time my dad

decided we should work out at the gym together.

- That doesn't seem so bad.

- Well, he forgot that meant we'd have to do laundry

more than once a month. A locker full of my unwashed

sweat socks, and he figured he knew me more than well enough.

- Sam, I think you just solved my problem.

I can use that.

- I don't think you wanna dose your mom with my sweat socks.

- No, but sometimes the more

you know, the less you wanna know.

I'll just tell my mom some

of the grossest stuff about myself.

A few disgustingly well-chosen

factoids, and she won't wanna get any closer.

- I get it.

To know you is to make you wanna hurl?

- Exactly. Now, where should I start?

[burps] - [burps]

- [burps] - [burps]

- It's great to see you taking

such an interest in business, Ferguson.

- Boosting my own resources will increase my capacity

to support you and dad during your twilight years.

- Thanks, Ferguson, but I think that's still just

a little down the line, huh? - My point exactly.

Why wait until you're drooling in your oatmeal

to live up to your potential?

Drop by my seminar on Saturday to find out more.

- Oh, I'd love to, Ferguson, but Clarissa and I have plans.

- We do?

- Oh, I wanted to surprise you, but I've signed us up

for a mother-daughter pow-wow night in Mt. Winnemucca.

- Pow-wow night?

- Look, Clarissa, you get to sing Kumbaya

in seven languages, do the happy harvest dance,

and make genuine corncob napkin holders. I am jealous.

- You know, Mom, you don't have

to walk two moons in my moccasins to get to know me.

I can tell you a ton of stuff about me right now.

- That's a great idea. Go ahead, dear.

- Well, for starters, did you know I like to break

the middle things off pens and use them to clean my toenails?

- No, I never knew that.

- And I like to cover my hands

in glue, let it dry, and then peel it off.

Plus, I make retainers out of paperclips,

and I like to save all my earwax and used chewing gum,

make it into one glob and stick it under my desk.

- I see. Anything else you'd like to tell me?

- Well, there's my fascination with spit bubbles--

they're the coolest. All you do is make a bubble

on your tongue, and...

- Ugh, Clarissa, stop!

I don't want to hear another word.

- Does that mean you don't want to know any more about me?

- Well, since you want to share such unpleasant information,

you must have self-esteem problems

I don't even know about.

- Mom! - Don't worry,

we'll talk all about it at tomorrow night's pow-wow.

Just relax and pack your bags.

- Mt. Winnemucca, here we come.

Okay, things could be worse than having to go to this

mother-daughter pow-wow night on

Mt. Winnemucca tomorrow,

but if the past is any indication, not much worse.

Here's a look at the last three

fun-filled retreats Mom has signed us up for.

First, there was the brother-sister festival of fun

where we had to enter the three-legged race.

[starting g*n fires]

Ferguson hasn't even entered the human race,

so we never had a chance.

Then mom enrolled Dad and me

in a father-daughter first-aid jamboree.

We just barely lived to tell the tale.

And just when I thought it couldn't get any more

embarrassing, along came last year's family sail-away day.

After we all got seasick, we spent the entire time swabbing

our own poop deck.

Given my family history, is it

any wonder that I look forward to this thing with total dread?

Hi, Sam. - Hey.

So, did you gross out your mom? - No, but she grossed me out.

She signed us up for a mother-daughter pow-wow night.

- What's the mother-daughter pow-wow night?

- It's a bummer, and it's this Saturday night.

- What a waste.

[electric guitar riff]

- Sam, you didn't?

- Hurricane Edna's keeping all Navy ships off port.

That means we just scored two floor-level tickets

to the Nirvana concert. - Yes! I mean no.

I mean... Sam, I've gotta go.

- But what're you going to tell your mom?

- I'll just explain calmly and rationally that I have

to ground her dreams into pulp.

Sam, what am I gonna do?

- Pow-wow down with your mom, I guess.

- If I don't find a cure for this teenage mom trauma soon,

this case may have me quarantined for life.

- ♪ Na na na na na na

[lively percussive music]

♪

- Okay, the night of shame is fast approaching.

I think it's time for a

pre-pow-wow Darling family update.

Ferg's first seminar was a huge success.

Ferg-Dynamics has captured the imaginations

and the allowance of all the kids in the neighborhood.

How'd he do it? Simple: bribery.

Dad's been working on a Ferg-Dynamics flyer,

so Ferguson's search for suckers

can have a wider reach.

Ferguson's contribution was, as usual, brownnosing.

Meanwhile, I have been trying

to tell mom about my little schedule conflict,

but she's been busy knitting matching mother-daughter

scarves for us to wear around the pow-wow campfire.

I just can't find it in me to break a grown woman's heart.

Hi, Sam. - Hey, Clarissa.

You'll never believe it-- the rock critic's girlfriend's

cousin has a friend who knows one of Nirvana's roadies,

and he got us backstage passes for tonight's concert.

- Great. While you're hanging

out with Nirvana, I'll be spending quality

pow-wow time with my mom. - Didn't you tell her yet?

- I just hate to be the one to have to rain on her pow-wow.

She'll take it as total rejection of her mom-hood.

She says it has something to do with a generation gap.

- Yeah. Now your mom's trying

to bridge the gap?

- Exactly.

If she succeeds, our generation will have no place to hide.

- Well, you better get out of this pow-wow thing.

Maybe you should just tell her how much you wanna go

to Nirvana. - You're right.

The truth hurts, but somebody's gotta tell it.

- Well, I better go.

I've gotta pick out the right t-shirt for tonight's concert.

- And I better go face the music.

[funky music]

♪

Hi, Mom. - Hi, Clarissa.

I'm making your favorite snack for our pow-wow tonight.

- Really?

Looks just like tofu to me.

- Super-duper peanut butter chunk tofu cookies.

- Great.

Mom, about this pow-wow thing-- - Oh, it's really gonna be fun,

Clarissa. There's gonna be cool, groovy,

funky activities with all the newest music at the campfire.

- You know, Mom, I'm really into Nirvana.

- Nirvana? I didn't know you

were interested in Buddhism, Clarissa.

We can meditate together. - No, Mom, Nirvana's a band.

- Oh, of course, that Nirvana.

I like them, too. I mean I'm sure I would if I heard them.

- I'm sure you would, too, Mom.

But, see, the thing is, Nirvana's giving a concert at

the arena, and I really, really, really wanna go.

- Of course, you do. That sounds like fun.

- But there's a problem.

The concert, it's tonight.

- Oh, our pow-wow. - I know. I feel terrible,

but this might be my only chance to ever see them.

They've never come here on tour before.

- Well, I understand. - You do?

- Of course, you'd much rather

go to a Nirvana concert than a pow-wow night.

- Well, to be honest, in a word, kinda.

- Clarissa, it's all right for you to feel this way.

I get it, I really do, and it's no problem.

- Really, Mom?

- Sure. Forget the pow-wow.

We'll go to Nirvana and have a great time.

- We? - Oh, Clarissa,

I'm so glad you felt you could be honest with me.

I'll go call the pow-wow people and cancel. Rock and roll!

- Well, I guess you can take the mom out of the tofu,

but you can't take the tofu out of the mom.

- That's right, Timmy, and for only six weeks' allowance,

you can learn to teach people to give seminars just like me.

No money down.

You don't get allowance yet?

Okay, um, then go to mommy's purse.

Do you see a little plastic card with numbers on it?

Work with me, Timmy.

Never mind, I'll bill you later.

- You've really hit an all-time low, Ferguson.

- Ferguson, I picked up your membership packet.

Congratulations, you earned enough money to qualify.

You are now an official Junior Money Maverick.

- Wow, today a Darling, tomorrow a Rockefeller.

I'm gonna go get my membership card laminated.

- And while you're at it,

why don't you laminate your face, wart head?

- Gee, sis, envy is so unbecoming.

While I'll be singing "I'm in the Money," you'll be

singing "Kumbaya" with mom.

- Dad, I need to talk to you about Mom.

- Oh, what's up, Sport?

- Well, you know how she's been acting really weird lately?

- Yeah, well, I guess your mom's still a little sensitive

about that test. - But you don't know me any

better than she does, and you're okay with that.

- Hey, wait, are you saying I don't know you, Sport?

I mean, maybe we oughta spend more time together.

- Not you, too, Dad. I didn't mean it that way.

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Hey, I remember when your mom and I first started dating.

She decided that we should know everything about each other.

- Didn't it drive you crazy?

- Well, no, it was fun at first, butm uh, after a while,

it did drive me crazy, as a matter of fact.

- So, what'd you do?

- I went into a psychotic state

from which I have never recovered.

- Seriously, Dad? - I asked her to marry me.

And when she realized we had our whole lives to get

to know each other, you know, she calmed down.

- So, once she thinks she knows me, she'll back off?

- Yeah, with a little patience, you know, everything will be

right back to normal.

- Right. Thanks, Dad.

- Yeah, I'm glad I could help, Sport.

- Just one question--do I know Mom well enough to know

how to make her think that she knows me?

♪

Okay, this may look like an ordinary computer game,

but looks can be deceiving. This is the "Get to Know Me"

fool-proof, fail-safe video trivia game I worked up.

No matter how royally mom bombs,

when she presses that joystick, she'll think she got it right.

The way I see it, everyone deserves an "A" for

effort once in their lives.

- Ta-da!

- Mom, you look so, so...

- Rad?

I wouldn't want to embarrass you at the concert, Clarissa,

so I decided to wear something that would fit in.

And I've got my lighter for the encore.

- Gee, it looks like you already know me,

so I guess you don't really

wanna go to a sweaty, noisy concert after all.

- I'm getting there, but I don't kid myself.

I know my work's cut out for me.

- Mom, you know how I like computer games?

- Yes.

Computers are fundamental. - Right.

Well, I think it's time you took the

"Clarissa Darling Get to Know Me"

interactive software quiz.

- Oh, do you really think I'm ready?

- Absolutely, Mom. Here, go for it.

- I just push this jolly stick?

- The joystick, right.

- Oh.

Wait, what do I do? - Okay.

Quick, Mom, choose one.

- Uh, well, you love words, so studying the dictionary.

Or is it rollerblading? - No, Mom, look.

- Phew!

I wasn't sure of that one. - All right.

- sh**t.

I know it's one of those. - The ascot?

- It's so square it's cool, right?

Leggings was too obvious.

- Good thinking, Mom.

- Okay, I'm on a roll. Sock it to me.

- Okay.

Quick, Mom, go with your gut.

Congratulations, Mom, you won!

- Wait, I didn't choose yet. - Oops.

Well, I guess you knew me so well,

you didn't have to choose.

- Clarissa Marie Darling, you deliberately rigged this game

so that I would think I was doing well, even if I didn't

get one answer right.

[sighs] You must think I'm pretty hopeless.

- No, Mom. You know I rigged the game, right?

- Well, yes. It's just the sort of thing you'd do.

- See, you do know me. - I do?

- Sure, as much as anyone can.

- I still don't know any of the stuff you like.

- Mom, I don't even know half the stuff I like.

All I know is I like to change my mind all the time.

- Uh-huh.

That does sound like the Clarissa I know.

- Hi, Samuel. - Hi. Mrs. Darling?

- Hi, Sam. - Hi, Clarissa.

We better get going. Nirvana waits for no one.

- Well, you guys have a good time.

- Aren't you coming, Mom?

- Yeah, we can scalp you a ticket.

- Thanks, guys, but my idea of Nirvana tonight is a nice, warm

bubble bath and a good book. - Thanks, Mom.

- Don't be late. - I won't. You know me.

- Maybe I do.

- ♪ Na na na na na na

- Hi, Clarissa. - Hi, Mom.

- I thought you might wanna study up for a little quiz.

- Oh, not another test. Aren't we past this phase?

- Here you go.

- "The Department of Motor Vehicles Study Guide"?

- It's never too early to study

for your driver's license, right?

- I couldn't agree with you more, Mom.

- If I wanted to give it all back, I would've called

myself "Robin Hood." - Come on, Ferguson--

oh, and from now on, we stick to a lemonade stand.

- What is the Better Business Bureau

gonna do with $. anyway?

- Give it to the people who gave it to you.

- Oh, I think I feel an ulcer coming on.

Wow, my first ulcer. - Let's go.

- Poor Ferguson. He's so misunderstood.

- Clarissa, that doesn't sound like you.

- Just trying to keep you on your toes, Mom.

- Oh.

[giggling]

- ♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

[thunder booming]