01x03 - Clarissa News Network

[bunniefuu]

- [news-style intro music]

- Hello, I'm Clarissa Darling

with me, myself, and eyewitness news coverage

of all the news that matters

and some of the news that doesn't really matter,

but it matters to your anchorperson, me,

Clarissa Darling, on the Clarissa Broadcasting System.

Nah, too dorky.

- [news-style intro music]

- Hello, there. Up next at the top,

updating the headlines with the very latest news

on what's ahead is a current look at what's new,

what's happening, what's now,

here on the Clarissa News Network.

I don't know. It just doesn't seem right.

I'm trying out my new news style.

I'm thinking of becoming

the next hot network news anchorwoman.

Diane Sawyer, move over.

I've considered a lot of other careers.

Just so you know, here are the four things

I've considered doing with the rest of my life.

Number one, be a brain surgeon or a plastic surgeon.

- [creepy organ music]

- CLARISSA: Number two...

be the first female rapper in space.

- [hip-hop music]

- CLARISSA: Or, number three,

own my own gas station and convenience store.

And four--and this is what I've decided on--be Jane Pauley.

It's not just that she's an ace reporter

or that she does her own hair.

This woman has her finger on the pulse.

She is the eyes, ears, nose, and throat of the public.

So, I've decided to start my own news network

to report the world as I see it,

because the way I see it, everything is news.

Coming up, local reports of late-breaking developments

in the living room.

A background report on Mom, the early years.

Up-to-date coverage of my brother, Ferguson--

national menace or what?

And a new scientific revelation--

you know that little light in the refrigerator that stays on?

So stay tuned for more Clarissa Darling News Network.

Eat your heart out, Ted Turner.

- ♪

- [theme song]

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Alright, alright

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Alright, alright

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it ♪

- Good morning.

Sewing experts in France announced today

that a stitch in time actually saves . and not .

More info as the story develops.

And now, a science report on sleep--

how we do it and why we look so funny doing it.

Here are some of the indigenous creatures

slumbering in their native habitats.

Clearly all creatures great and small require nurturing sleep,

while some are so tortured by their evil deeds

that sleep is no rest.

- [crash]

- [snores loudly] - Honey!

- CLARISSA: Here, the mother unsuccessfully tries to muffle

her mate's noisy sleeping calls.

- [snores]

- [groans]

- ♪

- Tomorrow, sleep in other lands.

- Out of my way, Ug-O!

- Next up, medieval t*rture devices for younger brothers.

Should we bring them back?

How soon can we do it?

- Ferguson?

Ferguson, please take your Walkman off at the table?

- What?!

Oh, sure, Mom.

Mom, I'll bet you didn't know this,

but these mechanical devices can be useful educational aides.

- Really? - Yeah.

In fact, I saw an excellent language tape

at the record store.

I could learn about another culture

and do my homework at the same time.

- What culture would that be? Alien warthogs?

- Eat raw cactus, gumhead!

- Can't we go through one meal without name-calling?

- BOTH: Aww, come on, Dad!

- Ferguson, what language did you have in mind?

- Well, actually, I was interested in

an introduction to conversational Swahili.

- You mean introduction to shameless deception.

- [hisses]

Can I have the business section, please, Dad?

- Sure, Ferguson.

- We interrupt this meal to bring you

the Clarissa News Breakfast Update.

Moments earlier,

Mom ex*cuted the vital vitamin maneuver.

- [frantic instrumental music]

- CLARISSA: Ferguson got to the new cereal box before me,

but luckily, he was totally bummed by the prize.

And in the world of chewing,

Marshall Darling set a new record

as he chomped on a muesli muffin

for minutes and seconds.

- [frantic silent film-style music]

- CLARISSA: Look at that technique.

- [buzzing]

- And me? I'm your ever-ready reporter,

keeping you up to date with all the news you need to know.

Connie Chung, eat your heart out.

- Hey, look, Dad, IncepTronics Games are up ten points.

- Really? Oh, that was a good investment, Ferguson, yeah.

Honey? Honey, listen to this.

Dorinda McWarder is town.

- Not Dorinda Wilson McWarder? - Yeah.

It says, uh, her world-famous modern ballet company

will be at the Civic Auditorium all this week.

Look at this. Isn't that interesting?

- I can't believe it.

- Mom, who is Dorinda McWarder?

- Oh, we were in the same dance troupe in college,

but she wasn't very serious.

- You were a dancer? - A modern dancer.

- Does that mean you put jewels in your belly and wiggled around

in restaurants to Middle Eastern music?

- No, Ferguson, your mother was not that kind of a dancer.

She was the original lead in Martha Graham's

classic modern ballet,

"Red Rabbits at Dawn." - Of course.

- She was very talented and very dedicated.

- That was so long ago.

- Not that long.

- Before...MTV.

- Oh, that is long.

- Gee, Mom, has anybody seen my lunch?

- In a second, dear.

I can't believe Dorinda is still dancing.

I thought she'd be a stewardess or a dental hygienist by now.

- I thought you'd be happy to hear about that.

- I am happy.

- Mom?

- Clarissa, dear, what do you need?

- Midday meal in a bag.

- My, it's late. Um...

Well, you guys will just have to buy lunch today.

- Buy our lunches?

- But, Mom, what if it's roast beef on white bread

with acrylic mashed potatoes?

- Oh, just eat what you can.

- BOTH: Alright!

- [sighs]

Dorinda McWarder?

- ♪

- Hello, I'm reporting to you live from the living room,

where Ferguson is helping Dad

install a state-of-the-art smoke alarm.

How's it going there, guys?

Okay, here's the latest news.

At school, archaeologists uncover

possibly the first tuna melt made by man.

The sandwich appears to date back to the th century.

Cafeteria officials refuse comment,

but further investigation reveals

it looks incredibly similar to the tuna melt

served just three days ago.

- Clarissa, you want to come over here

and help us steady the ladder? - Sure, Dad.

- So, sport, what are you hanging around for anyway?

- Well, Mom's supposed to take me to Willow Mall.

See, I'm getting a ponytail holder just like Jane Pauley's.

- Oh. - Uh, Dad?

How would you say "ladder" in Swahili?

- [groans]

I don't really know that one, Ferguson.

- You know, Dad, I noticed in the foreign language section

of the Miramusic CDs and Tapes Store

that they had a two-part section on learning Swahili.

- So you're really interested in learning a new language, huh?

- I sure am, Dad.

I believe that learning about another culture

is an important way to put our culture into perspective

and achieve a wider worldview.

- MARSHALL: It's very admirable of you, Ferguson.

You know what? - Yes, Dad?

- I can pick that Swahili language cassette up tomorrow

on my way to work. I pass right by--

- No, thanks, Dad.

I mean, but... uh...

that would deprive me of the satisfaction

of making the purchase myself.

- Hey, Dad, speaking of purchases, where's Mom?

- Huh. I wouldn't worry.

She probably just ran into some traffic is all.

- Here's Mom now.

Hi, Mom.

- Janet?

- [eerie music]

- Janet?

- At least, I think it was Mom.

Could it have been a UFO?

- [theme music]

- Honey, are you okay?

- I just ran into Dorinda at the market.

- Oh, was that nice?

- She didn't even recognize me.

- Oh, that's terrible.

- Then, she gave me free tickets to her dance concert.

- Well, that was nice. - No, it was horrible.

- Yeah, I hate it when people give you stuff for free.

- Hey, Mom? Don't we have to recycle that?

- Oh, who cares? It's just a tree.

- Mom, if this is a bad time,

I could take the car to the mall myself.

- I'm in no condition to drive. Here, you take the keys.

- Janet, what's going on?

- Mom?

- [engine starts]

- [tires screeching]

- Nah.

It's too easy.

- [news-style intro music]

- Hello.

In financial news, the Dow Jones rose points today.

Hey, who's this Dow Jones person, anyway?

Is he in any relation to Grace Jones?

And why is he always going up and down?

More at .

And now, a special health report on my mom's head.

It seems that Janet Darling

is experiencing an early midlife trauma

in the family sector

brought on by a sudden inflammation of this sector.

- [pulsating electronic music]

- CLARISSA: And too much activity

in the whole grains sector.

I can't believe all that brown rice is good for you.

Hi, Sam.

- ♪

- Here are those books you were looking for.

- Great.

Now, let's see.

"Sally Jesse Raphael's Story".

"The Life of Geraldo Rivera".

- I could not believe my dad had these books.

- Sam, any serious journalist needs to know the competition,

no matter how bad it is.

- So how's your mom?

- Still weird.

- You know, my mom went through a mental spring cleaning in '.

- She did? - First, she got a weaving loom

that took up the whole living room.

Then she used it for firewood. - Weird.

- Then she worked at a woman's shelter, a health club,

and a tree farm. - Wow.

- Then she joined a Las Vegas roller derby.

- No way.

- Right about that time, my folks got divorced.

- CLARISSA: No!

- Dad says she's totally fulfilled now.

- I think I'm going to be sick.

- Her rink name's Dangerous Debbie.

She's even got a fan club on the roller derby circuit

called Debbie's Darlings.

But your mom's probably not going through the same thing.

- Yeah, you're right.

It's probably worse!

- ♪

- [theme music]

♪

♪

- Okay, alright, now, let's say that those shades

are smoldering, and that sets off the alarm.

What sound would you most like to hear?

- The sound of fire engines in the driveway?

- You see, sport, this alarm can be programmed

to have several alarm sounds.

Now, let's say that you like a "whoop, whoop" signal, right?

Or the more conventional "ning-ning-ning."

Or, you can even have a computer voice that says,

"Evacuate! Evacuate!"

- Yeah, why doesn't it just say,

"Fire! Get out of the house!"?

- Because it's a smoke alarm. - Oh.

Dad, I'm just a little worried about Mom.

- Yeah, so am I. - Really?

- Well, it's not that serious. It's just that your mom

is going through a hard time right now.

- She is? - Yeah.

She's thinking about decisions that she made a long time ago,

mm-hmm, now that the world has grown more, uh, mature.

- Dad, has she mentioned anything about

joining a roller derby? - The roller derby?

- Uh, Dad?

I know you're busy.

But if you could just give me the $,

then I could pick up the Swahili tape myself.

You promised. - I did?

Oh, yeah, right, I did.

Let's see if I've got it.

Here you go.

- Unbelievable. Let's look at that again.

- [pulsating electronic music]

- CLARISSA: Witness the double-slide intrusion

as Fergwood catches a confused Dad.

- [pulsating electronic music]

- CLARISSA: Notice the forward hand thrust accompanied by

that all-important innocent look.

- [pulsating electronic music]

- CLARISSA: And finally...

...score.

- [pulsating electronic music]

- You've got to admire the creep's technique.

- Well, hi, honey.

- I've made a decision. - You have?

- It took a lot of thought,

but I think it's the right decision.

- Mom, don't leave us.

Don't join the roller derby.

- Roller...derby?

I've decided I want to go to Dorinda's dance concert.

- That's the spirit!

- I think it will be good for me to face Dorinda.

I think I'll feel better.

But, uh, we need to go or we'll be late.

- But Mom, what about our dinner?

- Dinner?

- Evening meal with sprout substance on a plate?

- Oh, uh, I forgot.

Um, why don't you order a pizza?

- Huh? - Uh, Mom, did you say a pizza?

- Be good, kids. - Oh, try not to get sausage.

- Wow. This is a huge responsibility.

- Yeah. Huh!

- [dialing]

- Presto Pizza?

One with mushrooms, extra cheese, and sausage.

- ♪

- We tried!

- Move over, will ya?

You're casting a shadow on my stopwatch.

- [doorbell rings]

- Who's there?

- MAN: Presto Pizza!

- One moment!

- [Italian-style music]

- Nope, minutes, seconds.

- Aw, come on, kid, give me a break.

This is the third time.

- Sorry, we haven't had pizza in five years.

- Well, alright, one more.

- Make this one extra cheese.

- And they say dreams don't come true.

- [music slows]

- We should clean up.

- Why do you think he threw that last pizza at us?

- I can't believe they ran out of everything but anchovies.

- Oh, look.

There's a permanent anchovy stain on the couch.

- Oh, the nerve of that woman! First she does Savervinon

without the flying scissor kicks,

and then-- then she does my solo!

The one I spent years perfecting.

- I guess they didn't like the show.

- She couldn't even do the turns.

And do you know why?

Do you know why?

- She didn't have her signal lights on?

- Because they're my turns.

I invented them, and only I know how to do them.

Isn't that right, Marshall?

- Hey, hon? They're your turns.

- Here's how you do a turn.

- [orchestral ballet music]

- [sighs] Oh, what's the use?

I'm not a dancer.

- Mom, you're just rusty.

- I think I'll have a Twinkie. - Mom, no!

- Janet, you don't know what you're saying!

You're not yourself.

Wouldn't you rather have a pressed fruit roll?

- [news-style intro music]

- Hi, this is the Clarissa Darling News Network

with anchorperson...

you know who I am.

Let's look at the weather forecast for today.

In local weather, residents of the Darling household

are recovering from Hurricane Janet,

which blew through every room

at approximately p.m. last night.

- [frantic piano music]

- CLARISSA: The storm seems to have subsided in the living room

in front of the TV. She's been watching

"The Red Shoes" and "The Turning Point"

on videocassette for the last eight hours.

- [music grows somber]

♪

- What am I going to do? - Look at it this way,

it's not "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore."

- Great. - Hey!

Maybe your mom needs a vacation.

- She sunburns too easily.

- No, I mean from being a mom.

- Sam, she is a mom.

How could she stop now?

- Everyone needs a break now and then.

You could clean up, empty the trash, and make oatmeal cookies.

You know, all that stuff moms love?

- Wow, Sam, that's a great idea.

- Of course.

- But, Sam, I don't know how to make oatmeal cookies.

- It's okay.

Moms don't care how they taste.

They just hate if you forget to butter the cookie tray.

- Oh.

- [theme music]

- Are you out of your mind?!

It'll never work. - It will!

You'll just have to practice being pleasant.

- You drag me away from Tweety and Sylvester to tell me

that being nice will make mom's life crisis go away?

- It won't work unless we both do it.

- But I don't know how to make oatmeal cookies!

- Doesn't matter how they taste.

Just don't burn the cookie tray.

- This must be some kind of a trick.

- Ferguson, I'm gonna share something with you.

- Oof! Do you have to?

- In case you haven't noticed, I'm a teenager,

and I need Mom to help me through my difficult teen years.

- Can't you just watch "Oprah"?

- Look, Ferg-face, Mom's having regrets.

If she regrets us, who knows what could happen?

- I hate it when we have to cooperate!

- It's just for a day.

- Okay.

- [cheerful orchestral music]

- [rings bell]

- Wow, it looks great, kids!

- Thanks, Dad!

Uh, Ferguson, could you get that tray for me, please?

- I'd be delighted, Sis.

Oh, hello, Mother.

You look radiant. - Uh, thank you, Ferguson.

- Mother, what wonderful posture you have today.

- It looks delicious, sport.

- Zucchini lentil surprise, one of Mom's favorites.

- Oh, allow me.

What can I get for you, little lady?

- Uh, just some, uh-- - Fresh spring water?

Voila! - Thank you.

Clarissa, don't you need any help?

- Help? Oh, not at all.

Everything is totally under control.

- May I?

- [cheerful orchestral music]

- These lentil beans look perfectly succulent, Sis.

You did a great job. - Why, thank you, dear brother,

but it's only because you helped.

- Aw, Janet, isn't it great

that the kids are taking some initiative, huh?

- [laughs] Here, Ferguson, don't you think I should help--

- Oh, not at all!

As you can see, Sis and I are totally self-sufficient.

- Okay, now, what's the point of this?

- Nothing! We're just trying to show our mother

that she doesn't always have to worry about us.

- Can't you see, Mom, that you're free?

Free to follow your muse, your inspirations,

and your own pursuits, whatever they may be.

- Alright, that's enough.

What's going on here? - Nothing, Mom.

Hey, how about some dessert?

It's carob pudding cake with tofu topping.

- Or, how about a massage?

- Mom doesn't need a massage. - Sure she does.

- No, she doesn't. She wants dessert.

- Massage! - Dessert!

- Massage! - Dessert!

- Stop it! - [rings bell]

- That's it!

I read you all loud and clear.

You've all made it completely obvious that you don't need me.

I'm just shocked that you had to go to such lengths to prove it.

I'll be in my room.

- Well, that worked like a charm!

Any other ideas?

- ♪

- ♪ Na, na, na, nana, na

♪ su1c1de b*mb

♪ Na, na, na

- Good evening. I'm Clarissa Darling

with the Clarissa Darling News Network editorial.

For hundreds of years, men and women

have been asking questions like: who is God?

Does he have a long, white beard?

What is life? Is it really that cheap?

And where do socks go where they don't come out of the dryer?

Well, I think it's time somebody set

the American people straight.

Like, maybe Jane Pauley, for instance?

I sure don't have a clue.

This journalism thing is not working out so well.

Maybe no news is good news.

- ♪ Na, na, na, nana, na

♪ su1c1de b*mb

- Shh, you kids are gonna have to try and be quiet.

Ferguson? - ♪ su1c1de b*mb

- Ferguson?

What are you listening to?

- [gasps] I'm on--I'm on--

I moony-noony-noo-noo. Uh, sorry, Dad.

You caught me in the middle of my Swahili lesson.

Jambo. - Yeah, jambo, right.

Uh, Ferguson, you have to try and be quiet, okay?

Your mom's not feeling well.

- Sorry, Dad, I was just totally caught up

in my languages studies.

- MARSHALL: [sighs] - How's Mom?

- Mm, we're just gonna have to be supportive until this passes.

- Dad, I think the best way for me to be supportive

is to expand myself as a person so Mom will be more proud of me.

- Gag me with a shovel!

- I saw this great new tape--

Learning Basic Yugoslavian for only $.!

- Don't do it, Dad! It's a scam!

- Shh! You'll bother Mom!

- Shh! Come on, both of you, shh.

- FERGUSON: Tell her to keep away from me, Dad.

She has no understanding of my educational goals.

- Alright, bug boy, you've had it!

- Hey, give me that! Dad! Dad! Aah!

- Shh! Kids! Shh! - Here, Dad.

Now you'll hear where your hard-earned cash went.

- [rock music]

- Ha, ha!

Does that sound like Swahili to you, Dad?

- Ferguson, is that the Swahili tape I spent $ on?

- Busted!

- [smoke alarm whoops]

- BOTH: Oh, no!

The oatmeal cookies!

- [rock music]

- Oh, no!

- [smoke alarm whoops]

- [coughing]

- [grunts] Aah!

- Uh-oh! - Hiya, hon!

- Cookies, anyone?

- CLARISSA: Mom, are you okay? - Janet, I'm sorry.

Things got out of control in the--

- What have you guys been doing?

- Making oatmeal cookies.

- You guys are too much.

- Oh, Mom, we're sorry.

It was all Clarissa's fault. - I'm gonna k*ll you, putt head.

- Come on, you two. - Well, I guess, in a way,

I'm a lucky woman. - You are?

- Well, as far as families go, you guys aren't boring.

- You mean... you're not mad at us anymore?

- You mean, you're not gonna leave us

and go join the roller derby team?

- Of course not.

- You mean, you don't want to divorce dad

and put me and Ferguson up for adoption

so you can be a dancer? - Of course not.

- I'm not so sure about Ferguson.

- Aw, Dad!

Mom, I'm so ashamed.

I confess.

I'll never lie again.

Really, I promise.

Really, I do want to learn Swahili, really, I do.

Jambo.

- And they so there's no justice in America.

- [chuckles]

- [news-style intro music]

- Hello.

This is Clarissa Darling for the Clarissa Darling News Network.

Oh, I don't know!

I know what you're thinking: what about Jane Pauley?

What about Clarissa Darling,

the next hot network news anchorwoman?

Well, I don't think I'm ready for the complete objectivity

that journalism requires.

I figure I've got a little while

before I lock into my career choices.

Besides, right now, I'm adding my mom

to the list of alternatives.

- Wasn't that Yugoslavian language class great?

- Yeah, if you're into Serbs and Croats.

- Ferguson, I'm so glad we can take it together.

It's so exhilarating to be learning a new language.

I feel my world expanding.

- Hmm, that's funny. Mine just got really small.

- Okay, let's practice.

Ah, "This is the hound of Yasha."

- Uh, "Eek geweek neek dee Yasha."

- Very good.

- Just think, if Ferguson gets really good,

we can ship him off to Yugoslavia as a translator.

- Okay, try, um, "Come, Yasha, fetch the ball."

- "Yom neek Yasha, feek dee bom."

- [theme song]

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Alright, alright

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Alright, alright

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪

♪ Na, nana, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Na, na, nana, na

♪

♪ Nana, na, na, na, na

♪

♪ Just do it ♪

- [thunderclap]