- Hey, are you down with N.P.P.?
N.P.P. stands for "no parents, please."
And take it from me, no matter how cool your parents
think they are, sooner or later,
they'll stick you in a situation
labeled strictly N.P.P.
Like when you run into a cute guy
hanging out by the popcorn counter.
Mom and Dad can k*ll the romance
before your butter starts to melt.
And being called in by the school principal
to have a little talk can be bad enough.
But the big trouble factor multiplies
once you add in parental units.
[sad trombone]
So remember, even though sometimes your parents
are necessary, having them around
can spell humiliation, disaster, or both.
But fortunately, tonight I'm home alone.
The VCR is rigged.
The junk food is stocked.
And I'm ready to go.
I like to think of this as the perfect N.P.P. experience.
- Okay, wart-face.
Remember, when Mom and Dad are gone, I'm the man of the house.
- Looks like we've got a long night ahead of us.
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Just do it
- Now, Marshall, are you sure you don't need an umbrella?
- Trust me.
- Well, the weatherman says rain.
- Yeah, well, you know, the weathermen say a lot of things.
It is not gonna rain.
- Well, at least take a coat.
Now, Clarissa, when it starts to rain,
be sure to close the windows.
- Sure, Mom.
- And, Ferguson, no more than one hour of television.
- Oh, certainly, Dad, you know I get eye strain after an hour.
- And there's tofu casserole in the freezer.
Let it thaw and then bake it for minutes at...
all: degrees.
- I know, Mom, I know.
It's hard to forget with all these helpful sticky things
you left around.
- Come on, honey, we're gonna be late now.
You're the guest of honor.
- It's just the Phineas Fiddlecarp award
for outstanding curator.
The museum gives one out every year.
- Yeah, well, this year, it's for you.
- Oh! - Whoa, let's go.
- Be good.
both: We will.
- Hey, oh, and lock up after us.
both: You bet. - And be in bed by : sharp.
both: No problem.
both: Bye!
both: Yes!
- It's ours, all ours!
- For one whole night.
- Now, remember, this time we're not gonna fight.
We're gonna get along no matter what.
- Oh, hello? Little Slice of Heaven?
Yes, I'd like to order one extra-large pizza.
Oh, make that two extra-large pizzas.
Extra cheese, extra sauce, extra everything,
and no tofu.
Okay, Shadow Lane.
Thanks, bye.
- Yes.
Good going, Ferg.
- Now all we have to do is sit back,
watch the videos, and wait for the pizza to arrive.
- Cool, pop in "Beetlejuice."
- What is this?
"Psycho Cop : The Final Shakedown"
now available on video cassette?
They must have given us the wrong tape.
- "Psycho Cop"? Ferg-face!
- Try it, you'll love it.
- "Follow the head-busting adventures
"of Eddie 'Mad Dog' Stolitzky
"as he blows away crime-loving dirt bags
and takes back the streets"?
I'm calling the video store.
- Trust me, Sis, "Psycho Cop" is big entertainment.
- Only if you have a very little brain.
- Sis, relax.
Enjoy.
Indulge.
I'm gonna microwave some popcorn.
- Why does one night of peace make me want to k*ll him?
- Put the g*n down, Jocko.
- No way, man.
One more step and I waste the chick.
- Ahh!
- Do it, man!
- Don't do it, man!
- Come on! - You're a cop, man!
You got rules, man! - Come on, come on!
- Hasta luego, slimeball!
[g*nsh*t]
- Yeah! Nice going, Mad Dog!
They'll be scraping that guy off the walls for weeks!
Is this too cool or what?
Hey, what'd you do that for?
That was the best part.
- Dad said one hour of TV and that's it.
- You must be joking.
- House rules.
- We had an agreement.
- Right, we agreed to watch "Beetlejuice."
- So they gave me the wrong tape.
That's not my fault. Give me the remote.
- No way. - You can't make the rules.
- I'm older. - I'm smarter.
- Then figure out what to do
without television benefits,weenie.
- That does it. Turn that tape back on or...
- Or what? You're gonna tell Mom and Dad
I wouldn't let you watch two hours of an R-rated movie?
- Mark my words, sis.
You will regret this.
[thunder crashing]
- I already regret letting Ferg-face live this long.
Some night in.
With all the fun I'm having, Mom and Dad
might as well have stayed home.
[thunder crashing]
Okay, so I resorted to pulling rank
and backing it up with blackmail.
At least I got Ferg-wad away from the tube.
Now he's upstairs moping. But who cares?
I'm warm, I'm dry and I've got
a whole night of TV listings to choose from.
Whoa.
Either Freddy Krueger's been reading the entertainment
section or Mom went on another one of her coupon frenzies.
Now, let's see.
"Climb the stairs"?
Now, what does he think he's doing?
Well, only one way to find out.
"Keep going."
Hey, maybe these aren't from Ferg-breath.
Maybe someone kidnapped Ferguson!
Maybe they want ransom.
Fat chance.
Knowing Ferg-wad, they'd probably pay to send him back.
"Try this room."
Ferg-face, you better be ready to hand over the TV listings
or you're gonna be in big trouble.
[thunder crashing]
"Open the closet"?
Oh, please.
Insult my intelligence a little, why don't you?
I know you're in there.
Have a nice, long stay.
See ya later, Ferginator.
- What are you doing in my room?
- What are you doing, trying to scare me
with your old dead-body-in-the-closet trick?
- What dead-body-in-the-closet trick?
- You get me up here with stupid notes,
I open the closet, you fall out like a dead body,
I scream.
- What notes? And how am I supposed to fall
out of the closet when I'm standing right here?
- Well, if you're not in the closet, then...
- Oh, I get it.
Still afraid of the boogey man?
Aw, should I tuck you in, sis?
Maybe leave the door open just a cr*ck?
- Shut up, puss-brains.
- "Mom, Dad, there's a big, bad man in my closet!"
- Get over it, devil boy.
I'm not afraid of a closet door.
- Prove it.
- Fine.
[screaming]
- Ha! Yes, that's another big score
from the kid from Shadow Lane!
- I wasn't afraid.
- Yeah, not much, you weren't.
I suppose that was one of the screams of calm
you hear so much about.
- It looked totally fake.
- Yeah, protest all you want, sis.
An instant photo's worth a thousand words.
- Give that back or prepare to kiss your teeth good-bye.
- In one minute, I'll have the blackmail photo of a lifetime.
- You'll never live to see it develop!
[frenetic music]
- Ha-ha-ha.
♪
[thunder crashing]
♪
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
- Ferguson, stop.
- What's the matter, lightweight?
Out of breath already?
- You don't want to be down here.
- Why not?
- Because there's something Mom and Dad didn't tell us about
when they bought this house; I'm getting out of here.
- Wait.
What didn't they tell us when they bought the house,
that it was buried on some ancient burial ground?
Ooh, spooky.
- That's just the problem.
There was no burial.
- Ha!
- Go ahead and laugh.
You're young... too young to know about...it.
[thunder crashes] - It?
What's "it"?
- It lives down here.
But you really wouldn't call it alive.
- Cut it out.
- Haven't you ever wondered why Mom and Dad
got this house at such a bargain rate?
- What are you talking about?
Dad's always complaining about the mortgage.
- So he says.
That way you'll never know about it.
[thunder crashing]
- Tell me. Not that I'll believe you.
- I've said too much already.
- Come on!
- Well...all right.
Haven't you ever heard about the hand of Henry Hamilhocker?
- The what of Henry who?
- The janitor at Thomas Tupper Junior High.
Well, at least he used to be.
- What happened?
- He fell into a vat of toxic waste
stored in the school sub-basement.
- No way.
- Don't take my word for it.
You can look it up in the town records.
- I will! I mean, I won't.
I mean... who cares?
What happened?
- His whole body became one big disgusting
radioactive lump.
He moved into sewers feeding off of rats and pigeons,
then...he found Shadow Lane.
The house wasn't built yet.
It was just an unfinished foundation.
- You mean, just an unfinished basement?
- Exactly.
When the workers found him, they freaked.
Cut him up into little pieces,
threw away all those parts, except his hand.
[thunder crashing]
- What happened to...the hand?
Nobody ever found it, ever.
- So what's the big deal about?
- Legend has it that the hand landed in a cement mixer,
the very same one used to build this basement.
- So?
- So once I came down into the basement,
I swear I saw fingertips.
[thunder crashing]
- Well, I don't believe it, so well, you know,
kind of, like, let's go upstairs
where there's a little more light.
- Oh, there's nothing to worry about.
The hand of Henry Hamilhocker can only claim a victim
on the seventh of the month, and today's the sixth.
- Whew, that's good.
Today is the seventh.
- Really?
Well, then that would explain this!
- [screaming]
- It's amazing what Dad's old baseball mitt can do
when properly used.
- ♪ Na, na, na na
- Okay, things have gotten ugly
in the Darling house now that all bets are off.
[upbeat music]
First Ferg-face tried to rig my room with water balloons.
♪
He not only broke in, he broke the latch on my window.
♪
Then things got physical when we went
from Darling family fright night to full-scale w*r.
Sure, fighting with your brother can be fun,
but this whole sibling rivalry thing is exhausting.
Ferguson! - What?
- Get in here.
- You gonna try to scare me with the foot
of Fredrick Femilbocker?
- Look, here's the way it is. We've got to stop fighting.
- Right, sure.
- We don't have to get along, but we have to cease hostilities
until Mom and Dad get home.
- Why? Can't take it?
- No, I can't take the thought of you and me having to clean up
the mess we'd make together.
- Well, all right.
- Shake? - Shake.
Oh, by the way, is this truce retroactive?
- Sure. Let bygones be bygones.
- Good.
- What's this?
- Nothing. Bye!
- Hey!
This is a page from my diary!
- I took the liberty of ripping it out myself.
Clarissa Darling and Blake Winsome together forever.
Touching.
- In the name of peace, I'll let that slide.
- Good, in the name of peace, I suppose you'll let the fact
that I made photocopies and placed them strategically
throughout the school slide as well?
- You did what?
- Like Mom and Dad said in the 's, peace, baby.
- This truce is off!
[frenetic music]
♪
[thunder crashing]
both: What happened to the lights?
This is all your fault!
- ♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
[upbeat music]
♪
- How do these things work, anyway?
- I don't know; you're the one who blew the fuse.
- The lightning blew the fuse, Ferg-wad.
Probably short-wired the one in your brain too.
- Try that one. - Okay.
both: Cool.
[thunder crashing]
- All right, sis.
Maybe you're right. We should stop fighting
until Mom and Dad get home.
Not that I'm scared, but, you know,
things could get out of hand, and we're too mature for that.
- Uh-huh.
- And I admit it, I didn't really make copies
of your little love doodle.
- That's good for you.
[knock at door]
What was that? - What was what?
- Don't tell me you didn't hear that.
- Don't tell me you expect me to fall for another one
of your lame-o tricks.
- What trick?
[knock at door]
- That trick. - But I didn't do it!
- Neither did I.
- Well, then, there's somebody at the door.
- Oh, great. You go answer it.
- You go answer it! - Why should I?
- You're younger! - You're older!
- Well, then, just take a look out the peephole.
- No way!
- Fine, it can't hurt to just take a look, right?
- Need help?
- Yeah, give me a lift.
- Well, who is it? - There's nobody there!
- What do you mean there's nobody there?
There's got to be somebody there!
I'm not falling for my own dead body gag!
Watch me open it and a couple of pillows with a hat falls out,
like so!
Ahh! There's nobody there!
You can't even rig the pillows right.
- Hey, where'd all those muddy footprints come from?
- Oh, don't expect me to fall for that; you put 'em there!
- When? When I was downstairs with you?
I couldn't have done it!
- Well, if you couldn't have done it,
and I couldn't have done it, then who did it?
both: Ahh!
Who are you calling?
- No one, the phone lines are out!
- Let me hear! You mean we're completely
cut off from the rest of the world?
Yes, we are!
- Where are you going? - Upstairs.
I'm locking my windows. Nobody's getting in my room.
- Great, either Ferguson's a practical joke genius
or we have a very unwanted guest.
Well, no one's gonna break into this house.
[dramatic music]
- Everything's secure in my room.
- What's that?
- It's my stuffed dragon.
- You still have that?
- Well, I only brought him along to, um...
kinda scare away any trespassers trying to get into the house.
It's very effective.
- Look, just give me a hand with the latch.
- What's in it for me?
- You and your dragon get to live your lives in privacy,
if you know what I mean.
- You're not gonna tell anybody in school this, will you?
- You mean about your close personal relationship
with a stuffed animal?
- Doesn't matter; I happen to be a master of spin control.
- Chill, lame-brain. I won't tell.
Now, just help me with the windows.
- Don't worry, sis.
Fortunately, you've got my cool mind at work here.
Nobody's trying to break into this--ahh!
What do we do?
- Whoa!
- Did you hear that? I got him!
- Are you crazy? That could have been Sam.
Not that I care.
- Oh, you're right.
Wait a second.
Sam's in Colorado camping with his dad.
- Then who was that with the ladder?
Go look. - You go look.
- I opened the door. - I pushed him over.
- Oh, oh!
- Okay, we have to lock up.
You get the left side; I'll get the right.
Now!
- Whoa!
Okay, we can't keep doing this forever.
We need a plan.
- All right, sis, don't worry.
I've got it all figured out.
- You've heard of the blind leading the blind.
Get ready to meet the dweeby leading the petrified.
[thunder crashing]
- Okay, you sure we locked every lock in the house?
- Positive, we're bolted.
- Sis, this is something I didn't think I'd ever have to
share with you, but it looks like the time has come.
[beeping]
Here it is, my secret laboratory.
Here we have a stunning array of superior surveillance products
and tactical retaliation weaponry.
- You joker, I can't believe you have all this stuff.
Hey, there's the spring-loader you tried to fit
in my closet once.
- Yes, four pints of month-old yogurt
was supposed to fly out and hit you.
Too bad about the technical difficulties.
- And here's that voice-activated fly swatter.
- Yeah, if only it worked.
- Ferguson, what good is this gonna do?
None of this stuff actually worked, ever.
- We have to make a completely new mechanism,
a total booby trap that'll make whoever wants
to come into the house never want to come back again.
- Okay, I'm with you.
- Here's the catch.
To get this guy out of the house,
we first have to let him into the house.
- Let's do it to it.
- Scared?
- Yeah. - Me too.
- Ferguson, let's make a pact.
If we live through this, let's make sure we never fight again.
- Okay.
- First, let's make sure we live through this.
- Here's the plan. We turn out the lights,
unlock the backdoor, then stockpile the supply
of elastic projectile units.
- Aren't they called balloons? - Whatever.
We follow with the test of the tensile defense activator.
- Uh-huh.
And then top it all off with the latest development
in Slinky security.
[thunder crashing]
Now what do we do?
- Wait here and hide in total terror until it goes away.
- Good plan.
Hey, what are you doing?
Calculating our odds for survival?
- No, I was just thinking.
If we stop whoever's trying to get into our home,
there might be big bucks in a patented
Ferg-Alert home security system.
- What good will it do if we don't live long enough
to spend it?
[thunder crashing]
[door shuts]
Did you hear that?
- Sis, don't worry.
Nobody can get through the patented
paint-filled water balloons we set up back there.
[balloons popping]
- Ow! Oh!
- He's still coming.
I don't know if the racket we rigged up will work.
[creaking]
- Ow! Ow!
- It didn't stop him.
- Sis, there's only one booby trap between us
and the madman in the kitchen.
If he gets through the Slinky trap...
[clattering]
- Ahh!
That does it, come on!
[both screaming]
- Marshall! both: Dad?
- Hiya, honey.
- [gasping]
- We thought you... - That you were...
- Uh-huh, yeah, well...
Janet, you were right.
I should have brought my umbrella.
- Ohh. - I can't believe it.
My gadgets finally actually worked.
- What happened?
- Well, we were trying to call when the phone lines went down.
- I got worried.
- So I stayed at the museum, and your father went ahead.
- I lost my keys, I slipped in the mud,
I tried the backdoor, I tried the front door,
and that ladder is very unreliable.
- Ooh, sorry about that, Dad.
- But you do look kinda funny.
- I bet I do.
- Dad, are we in trouble?
- Am I a burglar? both: No.
- Then you're in trouble.
- Fools. Someday they'll be sorry.
- What's that, another rejection letter
from the Young Republicans?
- The patent office.
They said the Ferg-Alert home security system
is not sufficiently reliable.
Not sufficiently reliable.
Let's ask Dad about that, shall we?
- Hey, Rome wasn't patented in a day.
- I'm telling you, bring an umbrella.
- But, Marshall, we don't need one.
- Janet, you can never be too careful
when the weather's concerned.
Trust me.
- Hey, where are you guys going?
- Just to the supermarket, Sport.
- How long will you be gone?
- Oh, we'll be gone about an hour.
- Oh, take me with you.
- Why the sudden interest in groceries, Ferguson?
- Well, you know, it's important to get out
of the house every once in a while.
- I couldn't agree more.
Have fun.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
- Yes!
Home alone at last.
Alone?
Hey! Hey!
Wait for me!
- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ All right, all right
♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na, na, na
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Way cool
♪ Na, na, na-na-na
♪ Na, na, na-na-na ♪
♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na
♪ Just do it
[thunder booming]
03x04 - Darling Wars
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.
Clarissa Darling is a teenager who addresses the audience directly to explain the things that are happening in her life, dealing with typical adolescent concerns such as school, boys, pimples, wearing her first training bra, and an annoying younger brother.