03x11 - Life of Crime

[bunniefuu]

They say crime doesn't pay.

The only people who don't follow that advice

Are the criminals.

Take stealing, for instance.

People keep doing it and keep getting caught.

In , thomas blood dressed up like a parson

And stole the crown jewels out of the tower of london.

He got nabbed pretty fast.

Both he and the jewels

Ended up back in the tower for safekeeping.

During world w*r i,

A dancer named mata hari was the hottest date in paris.

O.k., Here's how it happened.

I was out shopping this afternoon with jody,

Just trying stuff on.

They announced the store was closing.

I got dressed fast

Without realizing I was still wearing "it"

And walked out with "it"... Without paying.

I stole it.

It was an honest mistake, you say.

Tell your parents and take "it" back.

Except how do I explain that "it" is this?

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ All right all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Just do it

Why did I try it on?

It looked so totally cool, so madonna-esque.

She probably wears these all the time--

When she wears anything at all.

For me, underwear is private and not so showy.

Who sees it anyway?

But this...

This was obviously meant to be seen.

This could be my new look.

Maybe I'll bounce it off mom.

Maybe she'll say, "wear it to parties."

Yeah. Mom, can you come here?

I should probably test the waters first.

What is it, dear?

I saw something I liked,

You know, for my birthday.

Your birthday was last month.

I know you like to shop ahead.

I thought I could use one of...these.

A bustier? That's a little old for you.

What about this camisole with the pink rosebuds?

Or these days-of-the-week underwear?

You always loved those.

Sure... That would be swell.

Forget mom.

Who else can I tell? Dad?

That's like telling mom times two.

Ferg-vermin? Be real.

As for handing it to some strange salesperson...

No thanks.

I know! Sam! I'll tell sam.

Hi, sam.

Perfect timing.

I can tell him about anything--

Anything but this.

Hey, clarissa.

Want to go roller-blading?

Roller-blading? Roller-blading.

I can't go roller-blading.

It's just that roller-blading's not good.

It's just not good now, for me, today.

But thanks.

Is something wrong?

Wrong? What could be wrong?

You seem kind of keyed up.

Well, the truth is...

I had four root beers and cotton candy at the mall.

I'm still buzzing.

Been there. See you later.

Later, sam.

New plan.

Maybe I'll forget about the bustier

Until I'm old enough to wear it,

Like when I'm .

We've got a problem.

Does "byob" mean anything to you?

Oh, no...not dad's

Annual "bring your own building" convention.

The older one of us

Should tell him we don't want to go.

They'll never let us stay alone.

Not if you don't ask.

Maybe it won't be boring.

Have you forgotten the egg and t-square race?

The sing-a-long.

Janet?

Oh, kids. Good, you're here.

What is it, dear?

I finished my model for the byob convention,

And I wanted your opinion.

O.k. Ready?

Ta-da!

What do you think?

Well, it's just...

Wonderful.

Stupendous.

Yeah, it's great, dad.

But what is it?

I mean, other than a beehive?

Don't be dense.

Like you know.

Of course I do. It's a...well...

This is... And that...

Well, it's a... Munitions factory.

Oh, don't be silly.

It's a...uh...

Uh...a low-cost housing project.

It's one of those places

Where you can bowl, do laundry, and eat ribs.

It's a mall, people. Come on.

Oh!oh!oh!

Each square on the honeycomb, that's a different store.

That's so clever, marshall.

I hope it's a hit at the convention.

Dad, about the convention...

You know we love your work, really,

But ferguson and I were thinking

That maybe this year we could stay home.

By yourselves?

I don't know, kids.

There's tons of people in the neighborhood.

We could call someone.

You and mom could use a night of romance.

A second honeymoon.

Please?

Well, I guess the convention is kind of technical.

Way over our heads.

Will they stay out of trouble?

Absolutely, dad.

We wouldn't do anything we could get arrested for.

Right, sis?

Sure, we won't get...

Arrested.

Well, if you think they're ready...

All right, then.

Let's update that emergency phone number list.

Oh, good idea.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

This is the opportunity I've been looking for.

What are you talking about?

You can leave, and I can throw a party.

Like anyone will come?

They'll come. I've got the invitations.

I'll just fill in the date.

Popularity, here I come.

It took ferg-rat a millisecond

To abuse mom and dad's trust.

But who am I to talk?

What if they knew about a certain article of clothing?

I better keep my underwear under wraps.

Ferguson, could you come down here?

We want to discuss the trip.

Here's the emergency phone numbers.

Neighborhood crime watch. State police.

What's the matter, mom?

Couldn't find the number for the fbi?

That's a bit much.

Better safe than sorry.

Criminals are on the loose everywhere.

The taylors' garden gnomes

Got stolen from their front yard.

The little guys in red coats?

They're the ones.

Oh, that burns me up.

What makes people think they can just walk off

With other people's property?

I don't know, dad.

I've read stealing gives the criminal's ego a boost.

A boost?

Anybody stealing for an ego boost should get busted.

Busted?

"Boosting leads to busting."

That could be an effective anti-crime slogan.

[Ferguson] or "you boost it, you're busted."

[Marshall] or "bust the boosters."

Which do you like, sport?

They're all great, dad.

Did you buy everything you need for the trip?

I think so.

I saw this shirt and I just had to get it.

It is so you.

Ah!

Oh. You don't like it?

Like it? I love it.

It's just that I stuck myself on a pin.

Ow. That hurt.

Oh, be careful, dear.

Marshall, we should leave some money for emergencies.

$ Should do it.

Right. We better pack.

The lomans are coming early to give us a lift.

Maybe we should drive ourselves.

Why waste the gas?

And lou loman knows more knock-knock jokes

Than anybody I've met.

That's my point.

Yes! Yes! Bucks!

This will be the greatest party.

What party?

My party, birdbrain.

People actually wanted to come?

Everybody wanted to come

When I told them it was unchaperoned.

The party's not a good idea.

What do you mean?

We shouldn't take advantage of mom and dad's trust.

I have to have this party.

I'm responsible for what happens.

Sorry, party's off.

You won't get away with this.

I'm going to...

What? Tell mom and dad?

I don't think so.

Don't you have some phone calls to make?

I hate to ruin ferg-boy's

Feeble attempt at a social life.

But if anyone finds the goods,

The party's over for this girl.

I've been thinking about guilt.

Why do we feel guilty when we get away with something?

Why don't we feel like dancing?

Guilt is powerful stuff.

In edgar allan poe's story the tell-tale heart,

A guy kills an old man and buries him under the floor.

Then he hears the old man's heart b*ating...

[b*ating]louder and louder.

He goes crazy and confesses.

I've got a much cooler head.

[Knock on door]

Who's there?

What's the deal, fungus-face?

The real question is, what's the deal with you?

I almost bought your mom-and-dad-trust-us story.

Almost... But then I realized

Something else was going on.

What are you talking about?

Oh, just this, sweet sister.

You've been acting a little weird lately.

Weirder than usual. Jumpy...nervous...

And sweaty palms.

Get out, you rodent.

If I didn't know better,

I'd say you were acting guilty.

What did you do, sis?

Sneak out after dark? Start smoking cigarettes?

Whatever it is, I'll find out.

I'll be your shadow, your worst nightmare.

You already are my worst nightmare.

Now, move it!

Mom and dad will be gone tomorrow.

Then I'll get to the bottom of this.

[b*ating]

[b*ating stops]

Ah!

You o.k.?

Hi, sam. Sure. I'm fine.

I...just saw a spider.

You're not afraid of spiders.

Oh, yeah.

How about a cockroach?

You guys don't have cockroaches.

We don't?

Why don't you tell me what's really wrong?

Nothing is wrong, sam.

You're obviously hiding something from me.

Why would I be hiding something from you?

Would that make any sense?

O.k., Clarissa. Fine.

Where are you going?

I'm not hanging out with someone who can't trust me.

Sam...

You know where you can find me.

Sam!

Geez. Sam's never been mad at me before.

Not really.

All for a piece of lingerie I didn't even want.

Something has to be done.

All right, you...

This means w*r.

O.k. Here's what's been happening

On the bustier front.

I tried forgetting "it." I tried hiding "it."

Finally, I realized I had to get rid of "it."

I tried mailing it back,

But I'm short of cash,

And the post office wouldn't take an iou.

I casually tried to toss it back in the store.

I forgot the place has revolving doors.

I thought about turning myself in,

But the only salesperson around

Was the perfume lady.

One squirt of lilac musk, and I couldn't breathe for hours.

I don't want to destroy it, but why is it destroying me?

Clarissa, we're leaving now!

O.k., Dad!

And now for a fate worse than jail--

A weekend with the ferg-weasel.

Do we really need all this stuff?

They say you need to pack as much for one night

As for two weeks.

Who says that?

The luggage industry.

You have money and phone numbers.

Take my keys as spares.

Do you want to leave her all your keys?

Oh, the car keys.

[Car horn]

It's the lomans.

Come on, dad. Let me give you a hand.

Thanks. Be good, sport.

I can't get this off.

Just leave it. She won't take the car.

Of course not.

Well, o.k.

Now, no junk food and no fighting.

Sure, mom. Have a good time with the lomans.

Hey, janet! Knock-knock!

Who's there, lou?

House design.

House design who?

How's de-sinus condition? Any better?

Ha ha ha!

Oh, lou, you're k*lling me!

How long have I waited for this moment?

Maybe all my life.

The car's mine! All mine!

Then why do I feel so miserable?

When you can't enjoy a joy ride, something is wrong.

This guilt has got me stuck in neutral.

Bye! Love you!

Well, sis. Alone at last.

Don't start with me, ferg-breath.

Start with you?

I just thought you might want to talk.

What do you mean?

We both know you're in some kind of trouble.

Maybe I could help.

I don't need your help.

Fine, fine.

I just thought I'd offer,

Since we both know my intellect is...

Well, superior.

To plankton.

Says you. You have a problem.

I don't have a problem!

Call when you need me.

Yeah, like you could get rid of it.

Aha! You said "it!"

So what?

What is "it"? Is "it" an object?

There's no "it."

Can I check your room?

You can't spend the whole weekend in there!

Oh, go hurt yourself!

This is great.

Now the ferg-inator's got me cornered.

I'd better hole up here for a while.

Did I just say "hole up"?

Now I'm even starting to think like an outlaw,

Just like butch cassidy and the sundance kid

Or jesse james.

What's happening to me?

[Horse neighs]

All right, everybody! Reach for the sky!

Oh!

Don't get any fancy ideas!

It's the bustier kid!

On the floor, varmints!

And silk stockings sam!

They're not silk!

They're cheesecloth!

I hate that nickname!

Put the underwears in the bag.

You'll never get away with this!

They're going to catch you outlaws!

In their dreams.

Come on, stockings.

Let's blow this snake oil stand.

[Horse neighs]

I don't know where we went wrong.

She was a sweet girl.

It's all my fault.

I should have never given her a pony.

I should have seen the warning signs.

She loved her baby pantaloons with the ruffles.

Can't you leave us alone?

[Spittoon pings]

Good people of deadwood,

To restore my family's honor

And to make it safe for citizens to buy unmentionables again,

I swear to bring in my sister, the bustier kid,

Dead or alive.

Thank you.

[Ping]

Don't nobody move!

Oh!

The bustier kid!

And silk stockings sam!

They're cheesecloth!

[Clerk whimpers]

Fill up the bag!

Well, you about cleaned us out the last time!

All we got's these here flour sack bloomers!

I'll take them.

[Woman's voice] no, you won't.

Yeah?

Says who?

Says me.

The party's over, kid.

How much more can I take?

Ferg is about to break in.

I've got the house to myself,

And I'm locked in my room!

I can't even steal the family car

With a clear conscience.

I need to talk to someone.

Stockings? I mean, sam?

It's me.

I'm ready to talk.

All right, ready?

Let's see it.

Well?

Well? Well, what?

I've been watching mtv

Since I was in kindergarten.

You expect me to faint?

Sam, this isn't underwear in a music video.

This is underwear in my drawer

Next to my socks that I wear!

Since you put it that way, I understand.

See why I've been acting crazy?

Aha!

What's going on?

Ferguson, I can explain.

Is that yours?

Mine, well, it's uh, no... I mean...

What's the use? He's going to find out anyway.

No, it's not mine.

I kind of stole it.

You stole it?

That's it! Now ferguson knows.

Now mom and dad and the world will know!

If it gets out at school

That my sister pinches french underwear,

I'll never live it down!

Then you won't tell?

We've got to get rid of that thing!

The question is how?

Someone could return it

And say they found it.

Don't look at me!

Sorry.

Yeah, I can't do it either.

It's funny. It was easy to get out,

But now it's hard to get back in.

That's it!

What?

I'll wear it in

And leave it in the dressing room!

Will that work?

What if someone gets suspicious?

Sam, do I look like someone

Who has anything to hide?

All right. The coast is clear.

Are you sure? I feel naked.

Totally sure.

Hurry up, before someone sees.

O.k.

Let's do it.

I can't believe we pulled that off.

No one even suspected.

I hope you learned your lesson.

We're home!

Hey!

Hi!

Oh, boy.

So, how was the convention?

A laugh a minute,

And my beehive mall was the main attraction.

Oh, and guess who won

Bobbing for gum erasers.

Two years in a row!

How did you get along?

Great. Right, ferguson?

Super!

And here's the $.

We didn't need it.

And here's the car keys.

I think you'll find it's in one piece.

There was nothing to worry about.

We can leave you in charge more often, clarissa.

Oh, I brought you kids a little something.

A skyscraper hat! How quaint!

Isn't it a hoot?

It's a hoot.

Clarissa, I saw this in a lingerie shop

And just had to get it for you.

Oh, thanks.

Will you open it?

Sure.

Cool!

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na

♪ Na na na na na na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na na na na na...