03x13 - Blind Date

[bunniefuu]

[Television] try "gee, your hair sure bounces."

It will give you luster, sheen, and more friends.

[Man] gee, your hair sure bounces.

[Woman] thanks.

Can you believe how much they hype things?

The more they praise something,

The more likely it will be a total washout.

Like that ride at the carnival you're finally big enough for.

Then you find out it wasn't worth the wait.

Or when your parents get you all excited

About having a baby brother,

But what the stork delivered

Should be marked "return to sender."

Waah!

What's the main event in a teen-ager's life

That starts with high hopes and ends in disappointment?

Blind dates--

Where strangers meet, go out, and ruin each other's evening.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ All right all right ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Way cool ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na ♪

♪ Just do it ♪♪

Hi, sam.

Hey, clarissa.

Well, can you tell?

Tell what?

Don't I look different?

Hmm...same hair, same clothes, no earring.

You look the same to me, sam.

I've been set up on my first blind date.

You're going on a blind date?

My dad set me up with the intern at his paper.

Isn't this the sea monkeys fiasco all over again?

I was just a kid then.

Besides, they look friendly on the comic book.

What did you get?

Wormy things that d*ed in a week.

When you bet on something you can't see,

You're asking for disappointment.

Have you been on a blind date?

Let's hope "never" is my answer forever.

Blind dates are an essential rite of passage.

Every teen-ager goes through it.

It will be fun.

So, want to come along?

You want me on your blind date? Won't she mind?

Well, see, here's the thing...

Amanda has a cousin.

Thanks for dropping by, sam.

Clarissa, you got to.

He's new in town.

He doesn't know anybody,

And amanda won't go without him.

No way, sam.

It will be me and amanda,

You and what's-his-name.

What are the odds of strangers liking each other?

Probably the same as gandhi b*ating me up for my lunch money.

If it's lousy,

You'll have a blind date horror story.

No girl should be without one.

What could happen? If our dates are duds,

We can still have fun.

I'll go, but do me a favor and find out his name.

Thanks, clarissa. No problem.

I have a blind date.

I must be a teen-ager.

I have a blind date, too.

I must be out of my mind.

Hello, mom.

Hi, ferguson.

Is dinner about to be served, or is that hearsay?

Dinner's in an hour or so.

Not exactly sure, are you?

Could you be more specific?

No, ferguson.

Why the third degree?

No more questions.

My best suit, huh?

How come it always happens to your best suit?

What are you talking about?

How come dry-cleaning mishaps

Always happen to your good stuff?

Lafitte dry cleaners lost my blue pin stripe.

Oh, no. That was your best suit.

That's exact--

What are you staring at?

Look at what the soaperstiens are putting up.

Could they choose an uglier fence?

That's an eyesore.

I can't bear to look at it.

Just doesn't seem fair.

And it's not.

Mom, dad, you're lucky I'm here.

I'm willing to take your cases.

What cases?

Why,darling vs. Soaperstien, darling vs. Lafitte.

Have no fear. Ferg-law is here.

"Ferguson w. Darling, esquire."

Ferguson, we appreciate the offer,

But these aren't legal matters.

Are you not people?

Last time I checked.

Small claims court is for people,

People with everyday problems that demand restitution,

People like you and mom and me.

I think you counted one people too many.

Why take the soaperstiens

To small claims court?

They're our neighbors.

Would a real neighbor erect a wall like that?

If you were mine, I'd erect a fortress.

It's a legal matter about which you know nothing!

I'm consulting with my plaintiffs.

I've gone to lafitte for years.

They made a mistake, but it's no big deal.

The same goes for the soaperstiens.

I'll just go chat with them.

I'll chat with them.

This could provide a great education for me.

Inspired by early victories,

I could go on to become a supreme court justice.

A natural progression.

You're already a supreme pain.

I don't want any trouble.

Got you. I read you loud and clear.

Boy, what a day.

You could say that again.

Mom, dad, have either of you ever been on a blind date?

Just once. That was enough.

When she opened the door,

I said, "I heard you were blond."

She said, "I heard you were handsome."

She slammed the door.

Mom, was it just as bad for you?

I have blind dates to thank

For getting together with your father.

Every blind date I went on was so awful

That it made me appreciate you.

After one guy used my sleeve as a handkerchief,

I saw your father in a new light.

Are you going on a blind date?

Kind of.

Are you anxious about it?

Well, I was, till I talked to you.

Nothing like a chat with mom and dad to calm the nerves.

I've been thinking about my blind date.

What if mom and dad's horror stories were tame?

What if I'm trapped in...

[Doorbell rings]

I'm looking forward to our date.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

[Thunder]

Aah!

Flowers for my flower.

Aah!

Peekaboo.

Aah!

The more I think about it, this could get gruesome.

Hi, sam.

Hi, clarissa.

Sam, about this blind date--

It's all set up.

I talked to amanda.

She sounds really cool on the phone.

This saturday, it's me and amanda, you and milton.

Milton?

You set me up with a milton?

What's wrong with that?

Well, I'm a clarissa, you're definitely a sam,

But what's a milton?

What's in a name?

Would you date a keanu or a river

Without knowing what he looked like?

I can just see it now.

You'll be off whispering

Sweet nothings to amanda,

And I'll be with milton,

Discussing the federal deficit.

Aren't you overreacting?

I promise you milton won't be a pointy-head.

There are plenty of gross things he could be.

Look at this.

It's called blind date bash-o-rama.

If my blind date is bad, I'll fight back.

See? Take that, ape-man.

Stand back, broccoli-head.

See you later, slob dude.

Clarissa, didn't you program

Any normal guys in there?

No one who goes on blind dates is normal.

We're pretty normal.

You're right, sam.

Does he have to be a prince charming

For you to have fun?

Fun? That's the farthest thing from my mind.

When it comes to blind dating, settle for survival.

♪ Na na na na na ♪♪

Mom, dad, you'll be pleased

With the progress of your pending cases.

What are you talking about?

I've spoken with the zoning board

And the dry cleaning association of america,

And I wrote to judge wapner.

You can thank me later.

For what?

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

Are you janet darling?

I'm janet darling. Can I help you?

Oh! What's this?

I'm being sued by the soaperstiens!

What?

Actually, I'm being counter-sued.

I have to appear in small claims court next week.

[Doorbell rings]

Are you marshall darling?

Do I look like marshall darling?

What is going on here?

You guys make my job easy.

I wish I always could serve papers at the same address.

I'm being counter-sued by my dry cleaners.

I'm counter-sued for obstructing private property,

Harassment.

Refusing to settle, mental anguish.

How can we be counter-sued when we never sued?

Actually, dad, we did sue.

What?

I sent in the paperwork.

Didn't I tell you I didn't want any trouble?

I thought you didn't want me to getyouinvolved.

I was trying to provide

The finest legal counsel that no money could buy.

The first law of fergodynamics--

If ferg gets involved, things get worse.

[Doorbell rings]

Maybe it's another suit. We're not home.

Are you clarissa darling?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

Then these are for you.

Aah! Mom!

What's gotten into you, clarissa?

Thank you.

What's the matter, clarissa?

They're only flowers. Look. There's a note.

You look. I can't.

"I'm really looking forward to our date. Milton."

This is worse than I thought.

It's turning into my blind date from hell!

I see what you mean. He sent flowers.

You don't understand.

I do. He sounds like a real monster.

My worst fear is coming true.

Sam will hate me,

But I've got to get out of this blind date.

♪ Na na na na na ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na na na na na na ♪♪

Cool!

Sam's pretty tough. He knows me through and through.

I'll have to come up with a good excuse.

Let's see...

Sam, about this blind date--

I don't know how it slipped my mind,

But I promised my dad we'd go night-fishing.

Hmm...

I can't go out with milton.

My guidance counselor said a blind date isn't healthy

At this stage of my development.

Right. Like I'd listen to her.

Sam...

Hi, sam!

Hey, clarissa.

The blind-date countdown has begun.

Yeah. Um, sam, about the blind date--

Um, let me ask you something.

Could you ever picture me going night-fishing?

No. Why?

Nothing.

I saw amanda.

You saw your blind date?

She's one totally happening girl.

I'm not going on a blind date if you're not.

Mine's semiblind. We didn't talk.

It's too late. I can't go.

Amanda told my dad all about milton, and he seems cool.

Cool?

He's got a ponytail, a motorcycle,

And his own band.

His own band?

I'm totally unprepared for him to be cool.

You can't back out now. The date is tomorrow.

His own band.

You'll come?

All right.

Cool. I've got to go clothes shopping.

You're buying a new outfit?

Nah. Just accessories.

I need new shoelaces for my high-tops.

Gosh, I might have a date with a real cool guy.

I can't believe I didn't think of this.

I've been stuck-up, pigheaded, narrow-minded.

What if he's not the sea monkeys, but I am?

I might not meet his expectations.

What if I get nervous and just start babbling?

What drives me crazy are those balls on wool sweaters.

I saw this gadget that gets rid of them.

If it worked well, you wouldn't have sweater left.

Did you know dust is % human skin?

Or even worse,

What do I do during long, awkward pauses?

[Crunching]

[Gulp]

[Sloshing]

What if I get so nervous,

I go on a tremendous eating jag?

You know, I actually...

[Mumbling]

Are you going to eat those?

How come every teen-age rite of passage

Has so much pressure?

The only thing worse than a date who's a drag

Is one who thinks you're a drip.

If mom and dad catch you with these law books,

You're dead.

I'll k*ll you.

I'll sue.

A minor can't sue a minor.

Someday, people may actually pay you

To be annoying, heartless, and manipulative.

Don't come crying to me for legal representation.

I don't need a lawyer.

I could imagine a case

Where a blind date would sue another blind date

For ruining his dinner, his evening,

His entire dating life.

What are you talking about?

Sorry, sis. No free consultations.

Perhaps I'd better take my work elsewhere.

What if fergface is right

And I cause irreparable emotional damage?

I could get sued in blind date court.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth?

I do.

Mr. Darling, your witness.

Thank you, your honor.

Miss darling, are you, in fact, clarissa darling?

Yes.

Louder, please.

Are you deaf, wart lips?

I object.

Order!

I find her objectionable!

I find him objectionable!

Then you're even. Carry on.

Did you have any intention

Of being a good blind date?

It wasn't my idea.

Weren't you trying to sabotage milton's genuine interest

In enjoying your company?

Well, yeah, but what do you expect?

Isn't it true that you were making no effort

And were being a dud?

A dud? Your honor!

Isn't it true that you are not as smart, good-looking,

Or talented as your younger brother ferguson w. Darling?

Objection! Objection!

Objection! Objection! Objection!

This could get uglier thanlove connection--

And they get to check out each other on videotape.

I'll give this blind date a sh*t.

Case dismissed.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

So, you ready?

Uh-huh. You o.k.?

Of course.

O.k. Let's do it.

Where did you get the shirt?

Why? What's wrong with it?

Nothing. I think it's great.

No, you don't. How could you?

It's the dorkiest shirt I've ever owned.

I'm not going.

Because of your shirt?

There are other things.

I mean amanda.

What if she's totally boring?

What if I can't think of anything to say?

Who in their right mind

Would go on a blind date?

Nervous, sam?

No. I mean...yeah. I mean...maybe.

What about all the stuff

You've been telling me all week?

"It will be fun. It's a rite of passage."

Throw that in my face.

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, milton.

She what? Really?

She did?

Really? O.k.

Well, thanks for the flowers.

O.k. Bye.

Amanda doesn't want to go on the date.

What? Why?

Like you're dying to go.

She made up some excuse.

You know how long it took to pick out this shirt?

I can't believe she blew me off.

It wasn't you personally.

Milton thinks it was the whole blind date thing.

I guess it is awkward.

If there was some way

To get around the pressure.

It wouldn't be awkward if we just met.

Wewere just going to meet.

I mean if we just ran into them or something,

Like at the roller blade rink.

If we all just happened to be there...

You mean...

It's not too late.

I'll tell milton we're going there.

Give me the number.

Hi, milton. It's clarissa.

No, that's o.k.

We're still going to the roller blade rink.

O.k.

Well, we'll see.

All right. Bye.

I think they'll come.

This will be the first time we meet somebody

Whose name we already know.

Mom! Dad! Hear ye! Hear ye!

Victory for the darlings.

What's going on, ferguson?

We being sued again?

I said to knock it off.

A good lawyer never lets clients' emotions interfere.

The defendants agreed to throw out their counter-suits

If we throw out our suits.

That has nothing to do with your blue suit.

I love the law.

The law had little to do with it.

Mom and dad aren't being sued.

We would never have been sued without you involved.

A moot point.

You're missing the point.

Don't worry about me.

The only loose end is mr. Lafitte got a restraining order

To keep me off his premises,

But I'll fight it in court.

Not if you're grounded for the next month.

Mom, dad, everything's negotiable!

There is justice in this world.

Let's get to the roller rink.

I have a feeling

I'll run into this really cool girl.

I hope she has a cousin.

Hot cereal?

Mom, I could argue persuasively

That sugar-coated chocolate bombs

Are a more effective way to begin the day.

Want to try for two months?

Let's lock him in the basement until summer.

Solitary confinement would be good for him.

Good morning, sleepyhead. How did the date go?

Pretty good. We're going to see milton's band next week.

Milton's not prince charming,

But at least he's not a broccoli-head.

Well, I'm glad.

Ta-da!

Mr. Lafitte bought me a brand-new suit,

As long as I keep ferguson away.

You're welcome.

You're still grounded.

And look! The soaperstiens are taking the fence down.

We reached an amicable agreement.

Did ferguson have something to do with it?

It was robert frost. I left them a note.

"Before I built a wall I'd ask to know

"What I was walling in or walling out,

"And to whom I was like to give offense.

[With marshall] "something there is that doesn't love a wall,

That wants it down."

One of my favorites.

That frost guy could make his point more effectively.

That made them change their minds?

That and my offering to help plant lilac bushes.

That will be really nice.

Clarissa, one of my associates at the museum

Has a nephew visiting for a few weeks.

Maybe the two of you could go to a movie?

Nah.nah.

Mom, when it comes to blind dates,

I think the jury is still out.

♪ Na na na na na ♪♪