02x09 - Total TV

[bunniefuu]

I think it was some

ancient Greek philosopher who

first said that in order to

be happy, you should live

your life in strict

moderation. That means not

too much of what you do like,

and not too much of what you

don't like. Just straight

down the middle, it's like

this. Eat as much of your

favorite ice cream as you can

possibly stand. Then when

you're a scoop away from

hurling, back off.

Stay in the sun long enough

to match toast.

But hit the shade once you

start to look like a killertomato.

Spend as much of your

clothing budget as you can on

trendy shoes, but hold up on

that up to minute pair

that'll land you in Dorkville

next week. Personally,

I think moderation is OK, but

only in moderation. The point

is to do more of what you

want to do, less of what you

don't want to do, and then

convince your parents to let

you do it. Is moderation

overrated? Well, I'll let you

know, 'cause I'm about to

indulge in way too much of a

good thing. I'm going to watch

24 hours of total TV.

OK, thanks to Mr. Fredstein,

homework is about to be as

easy as watching TV.

We've been assigned to study

an ordinary object to figure

out how to improve it. I've

chosen television, natch. Mr.

Futstein says. The only way

to know your subject is to

completely immerse yourself

in it. So in order to improve

tvi've decided to watch it for

24 hours straight. Hey,

anything in the name of

science. I know the ancient

Greeks said all things in

moderation, but that's

because they didn't have

remote controller cable

guides. Can you imagine life

in pre TVBC?

So, Dad. Opolis. What are we

going to do tonight? Well,

Sportopolis. I thought we

could study astronomy for a

while and then discuss

philosophy until it was too

dark to see. Sounds great.

Or we could do some painting

on this pottery. Pass me out

of the dry bread, please.

Sure, for God bless breath.

Why not? There's nothing elseto do.

They said they were the good

old days. Personally, I'm

glad to be on time for the 20th century.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Clarissa. So if you

figured out your school

project yet? Yep. And I'm all

set to watch TV. Are you sure

you should keep putting this

off? Who's putting it off?

Sam, watching TV is my

project. You're going to

improve television. I'm going

to try. I figure after I watch

24 hours, I'll have a pretty

good idea of what needs

improving. Wow, you get to

watch TV while I get to build

a better vegetable. So how's

the search for the improved

veggie going? Well, I figured

that if I cross pollinate a

pea plant and a corn plant,

I'll get square peas. So

don't roll around on your

plate. Cool. Squared. It's a

big advancement to mankind

here. What's with the accent,

Sam? My dad's discovered

country western music. He's

been playing it nonstop all

week. I can't get that down

home twang out of my head. I

wonder what it all sound like

after 24 hours of total TV. I

guess you'll know in 24

hours. So does this mean

you're not coming to the

spring carnival tonight?

Sorry, Sam. School work comes

first. But don't you want to

watch me win the pie eating

contest? Sorry, Sam. I guess

you'll just have to choke

down cherry pie until it

comes out your nose without

me this year. OK, I'm off. I

smell pies of Wheaton. You

better get along, little

doggie 'cause I'm headed for

the big TV roundup.

OK, what should I watch?

The Wide World of Mud

Wrestling Rd. k*ll 911.

Or America's Funniest Home

shopping. Before I make any

big decisions, I better go

stock up on supplies.

OK, I say we go with the

leave of your tree. But,

Marshall, don't you think a

beautiful flowering tree

would be nicer? Janet, I

thought we agreed, right,

that the bare spot in the

backyard needs some shade and

a flower tree looks great for

four weeks. And then I spend

the rest of the season

raking. Tell more about the

yard work, Dad. Chris is very

handy with the rake. I'm not

too bad because a baseball

Batty. Oh, Marshall, let's

get the Magnolia. OK, all

right. The Magnolia tree it

is. You'll learn to love it.

Yeah. Who's gonna help with

the dig? I'm sorry, Dad, but

I'm booked. Remember my

school project? Oh, yeah,

that's right. Your your TV

thing. Well, Ferguson, that

they do. Oh, Mom, Dad.

Don't remember my aching

sacroiliac. Yeah, well, this

would be the cure. Come on,

Ferguson, let's get going.

Oh, Clarissa, try not to sit

too close to the screen.

Don't worry, Mom. And come

join us when you need abreak.

What break

Oops that are going to move

on? Don't want to miss 0

hour? The future of

television might just lie inmy hands.

OK, supplies are stocked. I'm

relaxed yet alert, ready and

raring to go. Let the total

TV marathon begin in

54321

and more off.

Well, I've been watching TV

for four solid hours now.

Actually, 4 hours, 11

minutes, and 23 seconds

according to my total TV time

meter. And I've loved every

pixel of it. Well, maybe not

every pixel. I've already seen

36 acts of v*olence, 7

commercials that make

drinking look cool, and more

remarkable household cleaners

than I ever knew existed. But

the best thing I've seen all

day is right outside my

window during my 32nd eye

strain break. Ferguson

sentenced to one afternoon ofhard labor.

Looking good, Ferg. Thanks.

That makes up for all the

times he's hugged the TV and

kept me from my favorite

shows. But you know, starting

to wonder if I even have any

favorite shows. The shows

look like commercials, the

commercials look like shows,

and if you want information,

they give you infomercials.

On the other hand, live TV

can be pretty cool. It puts

you right in the middle of

the action for the Olympics

elections. Hey, it's instant

history. Like, I wonder what

would have happened if Paul

Revere's ride had been

televised live. Let's take a

look at how things might havebeen.

Pop, pop, pop. We're here

live with local silversmith

Paul Revere, who just hung 1

Lantern in the north Church

Bell tower. Paul, what's your

message tonight? The British

are coming. The British are

coming. You heard it here

first. The British are

coming. Thanks, Paul.

Anything else you'd like to

say? You're right. Oh, right.

I want it by land Two if I

see. OK, call countrymen.

That's the news. Do one more

thing. Arm yourselves. Looks

like you've got your work cut

out for you. You're right.

I've got a world famous

midnight ride coming up. And

we'll be there with live up-

to-the-minute coverage every

step of the way. Good luck,

Paul. Thanks for the

exclusive. Oh, remember,

Sundays are savings days at

Revere Silver Shop 10% off.

For Patriots, 30 days, same

as cash. This is Clarissa

Darling reporting from the

Old North Church. And now

back to you, George.

See what I mean? I know

exactly how to improve TV.

Make it live all the time, of

course. What would we do when

things got boring?

Hey, I'm busy. Mr. Green

Jeans. Don't you knock? Hey,

you're tracking mud all over

my floor. You mean my floor.

A couple of throw pillows. I

could turn this place into

something. What are you

talking about? For a face.

Oh, once you go completely

insane from watching all this

TV, I expect there'll be a

vacancy. I've always fancied A



Bergenstein. OK, but I'll be

back. Your eyes already look

a little glazed. That's

because they're looking at

you. Anything you say, sis.

Just remember. Molly McGill.

Who? Never mind. Don't tell

me. Well, since you asked

Molly Mcgillip of Eugene, OR.

She holds the world record

for continuous TV watching.

So what? So she went

completely nuts. They had to

drag her away from the

television when she claimed

to be Pat Sajak's wife and

can only communicate by

singing Babalu like I might

believe that. Fine. Keep

watching. We'll have to put

you in the basement Fiji

yogurt until the men in white

coats all you after the funny

farm. Can't wait. I'll see

you there. Now get out.

Great, I've already

missed 11 1/2 secondsof

total TV. I wonder if Madame

Curie had to deal with

annoying little brothers.

So flavorful.

We're now six hours deep into

Total TV. So far I've changed

the channel 1739

timesand the

only thing I know for sure is

that there's plenty of room

for improvement. Like there

should be a 2 minute warning

sign before each commercial

break so you can get ready to

make a sandwich. And for each

gratuitous babe in a bikini,

they should show Jason

Priestley on a motorcycle. I

think I'm on my way to a

scientific breakthrough,

Clarissa. I'll come down and

join us. Will it still light

out?That's a good idea.

I am getting a bit of cabin

fever. I'll be right

back.

I'm glad you decided to join

us. Beta Sunshine doesn't

have to get in the way of

scientific research. Mom,

you're gonna watch out here.

You can't expect me to just

interrupt my project. If I

don't watch continuously, my

research will be flawed.

Well, maybe the scientists

could use a glass of

lemonade. Thanks, Mom.

What do you want? This dad?

Oh, thanks, Ferguson. You can

leave it right there.

Stay right where you are,

sis, and if there's anything

I can get you, please don't

hesitate to ask. I want to

make your last few moments of

sanity as comfortable as

possible. I have an idea, Why

don't you chew on some

tinfoil?Look what I just

happened to have found. You

might want to take a look at

this. Look, page 47. I

highlighted the good parts.

TV overload, psychosis, the

major warning signs. It's a

well documented phenomenon.

Yet lamentably, there's still

no cure because they're still

looking for the cure for

toxic fur breath syndrome.

Forecast plenty of sunshine.

Hey, look, it's the 24 hour

weather channel. Isn't naturethe best?

We're now approaching hour

#14 of total TV. My

biggest discovery so far.

It's not as much fun as I

thought it would be. There's

no real give and take between

you and the TV, except it's

giving me a headache.

The channels are changing on

their own. They're freaking

out. Freaking me out.

The first irreversible sign

of TV overload psychosis is

audio and visual

hallucinations, specifically

delusions of involuntary

channel changing. This is

easy to cure. I'll just shutit off.



after you shut it off.

Can't believe this. 10 hours

left. I must go on.

I can't go on. I will go on.

Got to continue in the name

of science. Even if

total TV drives me totallycrazy.

It's 2:00 AM. Do you know

where your children are?

This concludes the Late,

Late, Late, Late Show.

Hi kids, welcome to Sunrise

Schoolhouse. Listen

to them. Pray with them. Getthem here.

A shoulder or thigh? Oh no,

not that Channel changing

thing again. At least we're

winding down. I think it's

time for an extra specialtotal TV update.

Viewer discretion advised.

Late yesterday afternoon, Mom

and Dad planted their tree

right on schedule Saturday at

Six 3530 Central.

Will their little tree

survive? Stay tuned for the

thrilling conclusion. Mom's

not a tree Dr. but she's been

playing one in the kitchen.

Our special health formula

has a secret ingredient.

Guess blood. Meanwhile, on a

network all his own, Ferguson

's developed a sudden

interest in electronics. He's

also got blueprints of my

room. Why does he think he

can take it over? This is 1

spin off series that gets two

thumbs way down. As for me,

I'm showing all the classic

symptoms of TV overload

psychosis. My signals

may wind up permanently

scrambled. Hi,

Sam. Hi,

Clarissa. Hi, Clarissa. Hi,

Hilary. We wanted to be at

the finish line. Yeah. So

when do we start the

countdown? According to my

total TV time meter, let the

countdown begin

54321.

Congratulations. So how do

you feel, champ, like Molly

Magilla after they hauled her

off? Molly who?

Guys, do I look funny to you?

You mean like Foes of the

Clown? Yeah, Bunny. Ha ha. Or

funny, weird. Funny. I'm

completely loony. You're not

loony. You just been up all

night. It's hard to

concentrate when the channels

won't stop changing. Yeah,

that's weird. You mean it's

not just me? Yeah, yeah.

Wait. Watch what happens when

I turn it off.

Where's the TV noise coming

from? You mean you hear ittoo?

Hey, it's coming from the

speaker. The

speaker. That's great. Why?

It's annoying, but it means

I'm not crazy. I thought it

was just in my head, but now

I see it was just across the

hall. What are you talking

about, Clarence? And come on,

I'll show you what I mean.

Bad James Bond movie. Been

trying to convince me my

brains are scrambled by

scrambling the TV. I

almost fell for it.

Now you are just in a

weakened state from pulling

an all nighter. Bird base is

the one that's going to be in

a weakened state when I get

through with them. So what

are you going to do? What any

self respecting sibling would

do? Strike back but don't

bring your school project.

But don't worry, it's all

part of the big picture. I'm

going to improve television

and the quality of my life in

one stroke. Here's my idea.

Oh, hi, Clarissa. Hi, Mom.

Why are you carrying that TV

around? You're not still

watching, are you? No. The

viewing's over. But I'm

carrying around too well.

Get a feel for it. The rest

of this TV thing, Why didn't

you come outside with your

father and me for a little

while, huh? I'd like to, Mom,

but I can't interrupt my

regularly scheduled

programming. OK dear.

And now here's Johnny.

Sis, please have some juice.

You're looking very Piquet.

It's not just for breakfast

anymore. Oh, and could you

please pour a glass for my

friend Mr. TV too? Sure.

It's nice to have friends

when you're crazy. So

should we call them Looney

vignette Call now only 299

for the first minute. $0.50

for each additional minute.

Really, Sis, Tell me more.

Please stand by. This is a

test. This is only a test.

Beautiful. I'm so happy for

you, sis, if you act now. I

lost supplies last year.

Received this free

commemorative Liberace plate

with your order. Yeah, right.

A Liberace plate. That sounds

great. I'll take a dozen. And

your room. Yes, and thanks

for playing. We have some

lovely partying gifts for our

runners up. That's very

interesting, but hold that

thought. I've done it.

Ferguson W Dog Super genius.

Super idiots. More like it.

Now that the bases are

loaded, I think it's time to

knock Bird Base out of thepark.

What? Where are you? Here.

Where? Here, Flower.

Stupid.

How'd you get on TV? I'm not

on it. I'm in it. Get Me Out

of here. What is this?

Hi, Clarissa. Hi Sam. How's

it going? Hey, where's

Clarissa? I know where. Seeya.

Clarissa. What are

you doing in there? I don't

know and I don't know how toget back.

Oh, please spare me. This is

clearly a videotape. But

there's no tape in there.

What do you mean there's

gotta be a tape in there? And

how do you think I can answer

you? Techno weenie?Hey

hey, that feels weird,

Burgess and stop. Hey, don't

just sit there and do

something. My pixels are

starting to go fuzzy. My best

friend lost in TV Land

forever. Help me. I'll never

watch TV again if you just

Get Me Out of here. This is

stupid. I'm turning it off.

Don't let your dial. I may

never come back. Don't do it,

Ferguson. How can you cancel

your own sister?I

didn't do this. She's the one

that watched too much TV. You

can't pin this on me. It's

not my fault you drove her to

this Ferguson. You can'tprove anything.

The coast is clear. You didgreat.

It worked. He's totally

freaked. The TV snow was a

great effect, I guess, of

those years in the AV Squad

finally paid off. Yeah, and

the attic is a great TV

studio. You should have seen

Ferguson's face. Yeah, the

one time I wanted to see

Fergus mug and I missed it.

Yeah, TV is a powerful

medium. In the wrong hands,

it could be extremelydangerous. Forget it,

Ferguson. We're not going to

take away Clarissa's TV

privileges just because shetricked you.

Bless you. I can't believe

I'm allergic to Magnolia

Block. I know we should have

gone with the Elm tree.

Sam Pizza in the cup is much

better than square peas.

Anyone, and all it took was

hard work, discipline and a

little crazy glue. It's one

small bite for man, one giant

meal for mankind. Say, sport.

How'd your project go? Here,

I'll show you.

Thanks, but no thanks. I've

had all the TV I can stomach

for a while. Oh, come on

Ferguson, let's have a look.

Besides, this isn't regular

TV. It's new and improved.

Interactive. Clarissa Vision.

Hi and welcome to UNTV. After

an intensive analysis of the

value of TV, I decided it

would be a lot more fun if we

could interact with it. How

did you think of that,

Clarissa?Believe it or not,

Ferguson provided the

inspiration. I just want you

to know I didn't believe your

child is praying. For a

minute, interacting with your

TV is easier than you think.

Ready. OK, there's

Interactive TV exercise.

Number one, First, hold up

your remote. Good. Next,

aim it directly to the screen

in front of you. Now you got

it. And for the third and

most important step, locate

the power button and click itoff. Bye.

TV or on TV, that is theoption.