05x04 - Piper Comes To Visit

[bunniefuu]

It comes out of nowhere.

It strikes without warning.

It can happen to anyone...

boredom.

Also known as tedium, monotony...

Nothing to do,

when your life just seems to go on and on and on and on.

Same old school, same old friends,

same old room, same old me.

Now, if I lived somewhere else,

someplace exotic, someplace exciting,

someplace...different, I'd never be bored.

[bouncy accordion music]

♪

So, Mutter,

what shall we do this afternoon?

Well, first, I thought we'd clot some cheese.

Then after, we can sand our clogs.

And then later, we can divide all the chocolate

in the land into milk and bittersweet.

Okay, skip that.

Maybe Tibet would be better.

So, Father,

what should we do this afternoon?

Well, we could continue meditating.

But we've been meditating since last Thursday.

Well, we could chase a few yaks.

Did I say Tibet?

I meant Paris.

[upbeat accordion music]

♪

What are we going to do this afternoon, mon ami?

Well, we could be rude to the tourists.

Alors! Not again!

Well, there's always the Jerry Lewis filmfest.

Okay, forget Paris.

Looks like ennuyé is a universal phenomenon.

I read somewhere that the longer you're bored,

the better the chances

you'll become really boring yourself.

It's kind of the chicken and the egg thing.

Well, whichever came first,

I'd better do something fast

before boredom becomes a way of life.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

I think it was Betty Crocker who said, "Those who can, do.

Those who are bored, bake."

The world's first right-side-up upside-down cake.

Well, this should k*ll another minutes.

I was so bored today.

I started of the morning

by delving into the world of handicrafts.

Decorative collage is a great way to k*ll time,

but do you really want your combat boots

covered with little pictures of butterflies?

Maybe something I can wear around the house...

all around the house.

Knit one, purl a gazillion.

Is this what they mean by "Knit-wit"?

Seems like one meaningless activity

just leads to another.

Ah, the domino effect.

I guess it was exciting while it lasted...

About three seconds.

And now, this cake.

Is there anything more boring than boredom?

Oh, yeah.

Ah, is this your entry for the big-loser bake-off?

No, I'm looking at it.

[chuckling]

Well, I hope we got some of the things

she likes to eat.

Who you talking about?

We're having a visitor, Sport.

Aunt Mafalda?Aunt Mafalda?

No, you remember Kokie Henderson?

Who's Kokie Henderson?

My old college roommate.

Oh, yeah.

She's coming to visit?

No, but her daughter is.

Piper will be with us for whole week.

Cool, but why would she wanna come here?

She's checking out colleges.

She's come to look at our old alma mater.

Yeah, Sport.

You know, it will be having a sister for the week.

Ah, that's better than having one for your whole life.

Oh, I think you're both gonna really like her.

Yeah, I think it would be interesting to spend some time

with somebody who grew up in New York City.

Except for when they lived in London.

Oh, that's right. Oh, and Istanbul.

Well, won't she be bored here?

Not if you stay in your room.

There's nothing to do.

I should know. I've tried everything.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way to have fun together

and make her feel at home.

Yeah, so I'm gonna set up the study for her.

Great. I'll help you get it ready.

Great.

How am I gonna entertain a total stranger

for an entire week? I can't even entertain myself.

Too true.

What Piper needs is someone urbane,

worldly, sophisticated.

In a word,moi.In a word, yuck.

I understand that Civic Opera's performing "Rigoletto."

I think our guest might enjoy box seats.

Piper. hmm.

Finally, someone new and different.

Hey, nothing lasts forever, not even boredom.

I guess I can put my world of crafts kit away now.

Piper's coming in the nick of time.

I was just about to get started

on those origami toothpick holders.

But what are we gonna do once Piper gets here?

Ah, she's been everywhere.

She'll probably have a ton of ideas.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Shh. Not so loud.

What's going on?

She might be out there.

She's still after you?

I don't know what I'm gonna do, Clarissa.

She's all over me like a cheap sweat suit.

That's some crush.

This is not a crush.

Maria Theresa Kugelbaum is like

my own personal fan club.

She's relentless.

Wednesday, she sent me flowers, Thursday, candy,

and yesterday, a passion-o-gram.

No!Yes!

No! What's a passion-o-gram?

It's this bucket filled with passion fruit,

some disgusting cologne, and an edible love poem.

Wow! This is worse than serious.

It's pathetic! Do you even like her a little?

Well, she's nice and everything, but...

no, she's giving me the creeps!

Sam, you've got to tell her you're just not interested.

I did, but she told me that subconsciously

I want to be chased.

I feel like the fugitive,

and I can't find the one-armed man.

You mind if I hide out here for a while?

No problem.

I'm just getting ready

for Piper to get here from New York.

Hey, that's right, New York!

Maybe she knows how to deal with psychopaths.

And boredom.

What are you doing, Ferguson?

Ah, I'm just trying to make Piper

feel a little more at home.

Whose home? The Duchess of Dork head?

You wouldn't understand.

Sophisticated New Yorkers like Piper

have a lifestyle to maintain.

Tea sandwiches, classy music...

Just the beginning.

I think tomorrow we'll start with a continental breakfast,

take in museum or two,

and then head off to the auction house.

What is this? Bologna?

We were all out of watercress.

Clarissa? Ferguson?

This is Piper.

Hi!Hey.

You're Piper?

[scoffs]

She's Piper.

The last photos your mother sent of you,

you were still in pigtails.

My mom sent you pictures of me?

She's so... Whatever.

Cool shoes!

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, I, myself, prefer espadrilles,

top-siders, penny loafers...

Sounds like an Eddie Bauer catalog.

Whatever.

Whatever turns you on.

Right, Marshall?

Hmm, hey, different strokes for different folks.

That's what we used to say.

Oh, Piper, do you want to call your mom

and tell her you've arrived?

That's okay. I'll send her postcard later.

Oh, well... You must be tired.

Whatever.

You'll be staying in the study; let's get you settled in.

Thanks. Whatever.

Hey, after you unpack, Piper, maybe I'll show you around.

We could hang out.

To tell you the truth, I'm not in the mood right now.

Not in the mood for what?

Anything.

Okay, maybe later.

I'll show you where to put your things.

Thanks.

So...hey, that's Piper, huh?

Great kid, you know, a little shy, maybe.

Am I the only one who finds her just a tad disturbing?

Well, she looks cool... I guess.

It could be interesting hanging out with Piper...

I guess.

Yeah, it will be fun... I guess.

Oh, well.

Whatever.

I know, we can go rollerblading!

Rollerblading?

I don't think so.

But don't let me keep you. I'm just not into that stuff.

Well, there's the battle of the bands done by the lake.

Thanks, that's okay.

Well, what would you like to do?

I really don't mind doing nothing.

This is fine. Really.

Yeah. Who said it isn't?

Hanging out's great.

It's, uh... It's comfortable.

It's stress-free.

Yep. No tension at all.

So what would you be doing if you were in New York?

Probably going to the movies with my friends.

Movies. We've got movies.

We've got plenty of movies.

Let's see.

Oh, well, there's a new Schwarzenegger movie...

Why would we want to see that?

And here's a new Spielberg...

Guess there's nothing to see here.

Don't... don't worry about it.

Well, we could always rent a movie.

Well...Come on, there's got to be something

you want to see.

I wouldn't mind seeing "The Seventh Seal" again,

but you probably wouldn't want to.

"The Seventh Seal"? Sure!

Isn't that the one where the guy

plays chess with death?

Yeah! You know, it's a classic allegory

of the human condition.

I love Bergman.

You know, I once wrote him a ten-page fan letter.

Did he write back?

I was too embarrassed to send it,

but when he came to New York, to direct Hamlet,

I wanted him to autograph my copy of "Persona."

Did you get it?

Well, I was too embarrassed to ask him.

The play was really great though.

Well, let's go rent the movie.

Now?

Sure.

I can't.

I have to go to my admissions interview.

Well, we could do it later.

I doubt I'll be up for it.

[ladder bangs]

There's a guy climbing in your window.

Oh, that's just my friend Sam.

Hi, Sam.Weird.

Hey, you must be, Piper.

Having a good trip so far?

Sure. Whatever.

[telephone rings]Oh, no.

I hope that's not Maria Theresa.

Don't worry. I'll cover for you.

Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Henderson.

Just a minute.

It's your mom.

But...

Uh, Mrs. Henderson, you just missed her.

Yeah, she left for her interview.

No, I'm sure that's where she must be.

Of course I'd tell you if there was something wrong.

No, really.

I'll have her call you when she gets in.

No, I won't forget to tell her.

Yeah, we're having a great time.

Bye.

Thanks.

Well, I guess I really do have to go to that interview.

Nice meeting you, Piper.

Good luck.

Whatever.

So, she seems like a barrel of laughs.

Sam, I thought I was bored,

but Piper is more bored than I ever was.

Maybe she's not bored.

Maybe she's just boring.

Sam, Piper's blue, she's quiet, she's whatever,

but I have a feeling, underneath it all,

Piper's anything but boring.

Well, then, what's her problem?

I don't know,

but something's bringing her down.

And I'm gonna find out what's up.

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

Okay, I've been racking my brain

trying to figure out what Piper's problem is.

Maybe she's homesick.

Nah, I don't think so,

'cause she never wants to call home.

And when her mom calls, she always tells me

to say she's not here.

There's got to be an explanation.

Now, if I had my own talk show, I could consult the experts.

The focus of today's show, Piper Henderson.

she's young, she's hip, she's from New York,

and she's seriously bummed.

We invited her to be here today.

But she wasn't "In the mood,

maybe some other time, whatever."

[upbeat music]

♪

[applause]

Joining us today are three experts

kind enough to offer their professional opinions

on what's eating Piper.

First an expert in the treatment

of psycho-cinematic disorders,

Dr. Sven Svenson.

Thank you.

[applause]

The girl is suffering from the overexposure

to the Ingmar Bergman films.

The genius and complexity of this great Swede can cause,

to any mere mortal, existential crisis.

Now, take the classic "Scenes from the Marriage"

and his subversive depiction of the institution...

Thank you very much.

A provocative yet unorthodox theory,

to say the least.

Perhaps our world-renowned fashion expert

can shed some light on the subject.

Her clothes are bringing her down.

She's an autumn, she's wearing winter.

It's very unflattering.

You are what you wear.

That's why it's so important to read my new book,

"You Are What You Wear."

Well, that is...really dumb.

There just isn't another word for it.

Let's turn to our family expert,

who just happens to be my mom, Ms. Bessy Jessy Raphael.

Everything would be fine if she was just talk

to her mother more often,

but does she call, does she write?

Not even a postcard.

She's always too busy.

I guess that's what happens

when you think you're a big sh*t.

Okay, okay, we get the picture.

I guess everyone's got problems,

especially the people who are supposed to solve them.

Piper, my folks would have picked you up.

It's okay, I felt like walking in the rain.

Well, how'd the interview go?

It was horrible.

Sorry, they didn't like you?

They love me.

Isn't that good?

It's a nightmare.

A nightmare?

A mystery is what it is.

And I'm going to get to the bottom of it.

[knock on door]

Piper, can I come in?

Sure, whatever.

So it was really raining out there, huh?

Yeah.

So I guess you're not having much fun here.

Well, you know, its fine here.

I just don't want to be here.

Then why do you want to go to school here?

Actually, I don't want to.

Then why did you come here at all?

Good question.

What do you mean?

It was my mom's idea.

You know, she loved going to school here.

So she was sure I would too.

And you don't.

I know I haven't given it a chance,

but I want to go to film school in New York.

So what's wrong with that?

Everything, according to my mom.

She doesn't like what I wear.

She thinks I hang out with the bad crowd.

She hates my life.

Well, that just about covers everything.

I'm sorry I've been such a drag,

but you'd be too if someone were forcing you

to go to school hundreds of miles

from everything you love.

Well, maybe you just need to talk to her.

Yeah, right. You don't know my mom.

Well, if you feel this bad now, think how you'll feel

after four years here.

Four years? I'm not gonna last four weeks.

Then you better try to do something now.

Okay, I'll try, but you'll see.

She never listens.

Oh, hi, is Mom there?

Yeah, hi, Mom.

Yeah, it went fine, but... I know...

but I don't really want...

Yeah, but they don't even have

one film course let alone...

I know but if you could just...

Okay.

Yeah.

I love you too.

Bye.

Wow.

She didn't even give you a chance.

I told you. I'm doomed.

Piper, if your mom won't listen,

there's only one thing to do... crank up the volume.

So you talked to Maria Theresa?

Yeah, I told her exactly how I feel.

And.

I think we're engaged.

Sam, what happened?

I don't know.

I told her I couldn't go on like this anymore.

And the next thing I knew, she was practically setting

a date for the wedding.

So when is the big day?

Funny.

She still has to decide

whether we should have a jazz band or just a DJ.

Great. Sam, this is getting serious.

No kidding.

So, have you figured out why Piper's so down

all the time?

Hi, Sam, how are you?

Hi, Piper!Are you ready?

Sure thing.

What are you guys up to?

Listen and learn, Sam.

Hello, Mrs. Henderson?

This is Clarissa. Clarissa Darling.

You know, Janet Darling's daughter.

Right. We talked before.

Oh, no, no. Piper's fine.

Yeah, it went great.

Well, I just wanted to call and find out

what she likes to eat, I mean, besides ketchup.

I like ketchup as much as the next guy,

but it's usually on something.

Uh-huh, and does she always wear

the same clothes every day?

I mean, they're great, but it's kind of weird.

She sleeps in them. Is that a New York thing?

Oh, no, no. I think she's fine.

Of course, she hasn't slept since she's been here.

Come out here?

Well, only if you think you should.

Oh, I know my mom would love to see you.

Tomorrow? Right!

Great. See you then.

Bye.

What's the deal?

I can't believe it.

My mom took the bait!

But now's the tough part... we've got to reel her in.

There we all are in front of the Rathskeller.

Oh, yeah.

I always loved Oktoberfest.

Oh, Piper, come look.

We wanted to show you this.

What is my mom wearing?

Her lederhosen.

Nice hat, Dad, I love the feather on the side.

How tyrolean.

Not everybody could get away with that look, you know.

I'm sure.

[doorbell rings]

Uh, Mom, what would you do

if you were to see Kokie right now?

Oh, I would love to see Kokie.

Jansie!Kokie!

Kokie!

Mugs!Hey.

It's so great to see you!

But what are you doing here?

Well, if Piper needs me.

I'm here.So you're staying?

As long as necessary.

And you must be Clarissa.

Thanks for calling.

Clarissa, you called?

Now, where's my Piper?

Hi, Mom.Oh, Piper, baby, you look...

Well, you look fine.

Shouldn't she?

Well, when I heard about all that ketchup.

I'm saying to myself,

Piper doesn't even like ketchup, do you, Piper?

Ketchup?

Well, no...I guess.Ah, of course not.

So I brought you some pasta salad

with those Teenie-weenie little olives you love.

And, ooh, I picked this up at Bloomies.

It's black.

You love black.Sure.

Now, Clarissa tells me your interview went fabulously.

So which dorm do you want to live in?

Whichever.

Well, Kirkland house has the best dining hall,

right, Jansie?

But the nicest rooms are in Briscoe.

Wherever.

Piper, I know you think

you want to go to school in the city.

But you've grown up too fast.

You wouldn't believe her friends.

they hang out like a bunch of vagabonds in the park.

And at night, they go to juice bars.

What's a juice bar?

Oh, that's where they go to dance and drink juice.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

Well, it's gonna do her a world of good

to spend some time somewhere else.

Piper, you will be happy here.

Let's go down to the campus and scope things out.

Okay, whatever.

But do you think we should have lunch first?

No, we can grab something to eat at the commons.

They've got a salad bar that has everything.

Okay, well, what should I get?

Well, I always liked the spinach

with mushrooms and bacon bits.

You can have that.

And what kind of dressing should I have?

Vinaigrette's always good.

And should I use salt?

Ahem.

Piper, what's going on here?

Now, you always have your own opinions about everything.

This isn't like you.

It isn't?

Well, she's been like this since she got here.

Clarissa.

Well, she can't make up her own mind about anything.

That can't be true.

Piper is very independent just like I was.

Oh, really?

So who got to decide where you went to school?

Well, I did, of course.

I mean, your grandma wanted me to go to an all-girls school,

but I had my mind up to come here.

And there was no way I was going to let

anyone else make my decision for me.

Oh...

I see.

Mom, if I can't decide for myself

where I'm gonna go to school, then I might as well do

what you want and only what you want.

You know, Piper, you're right.

I am?

When you're right, you're right.

Enough said.

So I guess we won't be hitting that salad bar after all.

Well, if it's okay, with you girls,

wouldn't it be fun to go check out our old college haunts?

I think maybe we'll stay at home.

How about you, Jansie?

Oh, yes! I'm game!

Oh! Groovy! Let's go get Mugs!

Well, guess we got a movie to catch.

You've gotta help me.

Maria Theresa's out there right now,

and she said something about picking China patterns.

Clarissa, what's a China pattern?

What's going on?

Well, this girl has a major crush on Sam.

And she won't take no for an answer.

But did you tell her about your girlfriend from New York?

What girlfriend from New York?

Me.

Great idea.

I couldn't have done better myself.

I'm gonna break the news to her gently.

Meet me outside in no more than seconds.

Do you want to watch?

Whatever.

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

Mmm, these are sublime, Ferguson.

Oh, finally, someone around here

with a sophisticated palate.

Well, who would have thought cheese blitz

on croissants could be so delightful?

We were all out of duck pâté.

Can I have some more coffee, black, very black?

Oh, Ferguson, please try and keep it down, huh?

Well, guess we're not anymore.

Yeah, but we sure did have fun, didn't we?

closing down the Rathskeller, just like in the good old days.

Morning, everybody.

Mom, we've got to catch our plane.

Yeah.

It's too bad you won't be going to school out here, Piper.

Yeah, seems like you two would have made

great roommates after all.

Well, you know, that's still a possibility.

Oh, I doubt Piper's gonna change her mind.

Yeah, but mine's not made up yet.

I thought I might check out some schools in New York.

Could it be? A reprieve at the th hour?

New York, Sport?Really?

Just exploring the possibility.

It could be fun.

It could be exciting.

And it definitely wouldn't be boring.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na