05x06 - Sam's Dad

[bunniefuu]

When you finally graduate,

you get thrown into this place they call the real world.

Hey, where are we living now?

The unreal world?

And what is this real world really like?

Here's what I've learned so far

after completing a comprehensive study.

In the unreal world,

lame excuses can get you in only so much trouble.

Sorry, I don't have my homework.

Uh, my dog ate it.

Your dog, huh?

Just make sure you get it here tomorrow.

While in the real world,

lame excuses can get you in real trouble.

Um, I'm sorry, I don't have the quarterly report.

My dog ate it.

Your dog, huh?

You're fired.

On the other hand, rewards in the unreal world

tend to be more, well, intangible.

Very nice work.

Here you are...

three gold stars and a smiley face.

Thanks.

But in the real world,

the rewards are something you can bank on.

Very nice work.

Here you are... your year-end bonus.

Thanks.

When I do get thrown into the real world,

I want to be real ready.

That's why I'm checking it out now.

I've just signed up to be an intern...

you know, working for someone who works for a living.

I like to think of it as a real-world field trip.

Unreal world, eat my dust.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Way cool

♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Just do it

This internship could be a great way

to get a head start on a career.

What were your top three choices?

Number one, windsurfing instructor...

Good hours and it gets you outdoors,

plus it's a guaranteed babe magnet.

Noble motives. What's next?

Radio deejay.Really?

Sure. Why not?

Hey, everybody, it's too-hip Sam, the wild man,

only on W-B-A-M, BAM,

the future of rock 'n' roll.

Sounds cool. What's your third choice?

Comic book artist.

Very cool.

Hey, isn't comic book artist the one you want most?

Yeah, that's why I put it at number three.

I never get my first choice. What about you?

I think I covered on my basis.

The "Morning Dispatch," the "Evening Standard,"

or the "Weekly Register."

Why intern for a local newspaper

when you're already editor of the school newspaper?

Expansion, Sam.

I think news is the field I really want to be in.

Mom, I've been going to Stan since I was years old,

and he always gives me the same haircut.

Well, Stan's a great barber.

But he still gives me a lollipop.

Your father never complains. Hi, Samuel.

Hi, Mrs. Darling.

Mom, what's going on?

Ferguson wants a new barber.

Not a barber, Mom.

A stylist.

Okay, Ferguson.

Who did you have in mind?

Well, actually, I was thinking of Pierre Le peep.

Pierre Le peep?

A haircut there must cost $.

Actually, $, but it's worth every penny.

$?

Stan can give you haircuts for that.

A word to the wise, Mom, you get what you pay for.

Well, then you can pay for it.But I don't...

I'll give you $. for a haircut.

That's it.Oh, mom.

Just think,

someday Ferguson will be interning for someone too.

Someone who'll teach him to fine-tune his craft,

become master of his trade,

all he has to do is find a professional dweeb.

Okay, Sam's on his way over.

We decided to go pick up

our intern assignments together.

I have a feeling mine's gonna have

something to do with the news.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.Let's go.

I can't wait to find out what kind of intern

I'm about to be.

No need, I have our assignments right here.

How'd you get these?

I sweet-talked them out of Mrs. Waldo in the front office.

You dog.

"Dear Ms. Darling, in connection with..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Excellent!What?

I got my first choice.

This is so cool.

I'm interning at the "Daily Dispatch"

in the sports division

with the senior sports columnist,

a guy named Arnie Anders.

Arnie Anders?

Sam, that's...My dad!

This is great.

Isn't this great?

Well, uh, great is a big word, Clarissa.

My dad...

Well, he's a lot like... my dad.

Don't worry, Sam. This will be cool.

I mean, he's notmydad.

And I won't have to spend time getting to know him,

so I can just concentrate on doing my job.

Yeah, so what's your internship?

"Dear Mr. Anders..."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Skip the blah parts.

Excellent!First choice?

Better. Third.

They couldn't get a comic book artist,

but they got a draftsman.

I guess that's okay.

What kind of draftsman?

Hey, Sam.

Guess what.

The Westside chamber of commerce

just called and it looks like you're my intern.

This is amazing.

Yeah, it's really amazing.

This will be great, right?

Well, I'm going to go get my studio ready

for my first apprentice.

Sam, I'm going to take you on an awesome trip

through the world of architecture.

Um, gee, thanks.

You're interning for my dad?You're interning for my dad?

It'll be great.

Will it be great?

[both] Yeah, sure.

Ferguson, what have you got in your hair?

Oh, it's moisturizing elixir

from the yaha-jobee plant of Southern Nepal.

Oh, yuck. It smells like compost.

Where'd you get this stuff?

I got it from Pierre Lepeep's,

I went there for my free consultation.

Free?Absolutely.

Well, I had to pay for the conditioner.

How much?

bucks.

But Pierre says that if I deep condition now,

my follicles will be

at optimum hair-cutting diameter in three days.

Uh-huh, I see.

And just how are you gonna pay for the haircut?

Details, Mom. Details.

Ferguson, if you're brainwashing yourself,

you might want to set it on "light load."

Funny, sis.

We can't all have lustrous auburn tresses, can we?

Guess not, but then again, I don't have to worry about

premature male pattern baldness caused by over-conditioning.

She's got a point, Ferguson.

Uh, I think I'm gonna go rinse this stuff off now.

Oh, so, Clarissa,

are you ready for your internship?

I think so, but actually,

I'm more worried about Dad getting ready.

Your father? Why?

Well, I'm more worried about him getting too ready.

Honey, have you seen my slide rule?

I mean, not the one I'm holding, obviously.

But the other one that looks like this one

except it's got red markings on the back?

Never mind. This is the one.

Thank you.

I think I see what you mean, just a little over-organized.

Are you worried about Sam?A little.

I'll try to talk to him.

Thanks, Mom.

Well, I hope Sam has fun.

As for me, I'm totally psyched about

getting into a real newspaper.

I mean, the school paper is great,

but it still feels like practice.

What will the real thing feel like?

I would give anything to be a real reporter.

You heard me... the governor,

that's right, the governor of this state.

Tell him Scoop Darling's on the line.

He'll take the call, all right.

Yeah, I'll hold.

I'll put down a Finnegan she never gets the story,

not before the deadline.

You're on.It's impossible I tell you.

Not even for scoop.

Quiet, boys. Quiet.

Governor Windthorpe?

Scoop Darling, Ace reporter, here.

And PU! Do you smell that? No?

Well, it's the stench of scandal, governor.

Tell him, Scoop.

Look, tomorrow we're printing the story that tells the story,

the whole story.

And there's nothing you and your g*ons

could do to stop it now.

Wow!Jeez!

Whammo.

But before it's all over,

there is one more thing you can do,

pardon Melvin Shultz.

He's innocent and you know it.

If not for yourself, for Zelda.

Don't you want the people to hear

your side of the story, governor?

Keep talking, governor.

Well, looks like I got my story, boys.

The governor just confessed to bribery, tax evasion,

and ticket violations.

Pay up.

This internship could be cool.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna do a k*ller job.

And you can bet on it.

I thought I'd show up at "The Dispatch" early,

start my internship,

but it turns out Arnie spends his workdays at home.

I just hope he remembers I start today.

[knock on door]

Hello?

Anybody home?

Arnie?

Certainly doesn't look like anybody's here.

No cleaning lady, that's for sure.

Arnie?

[crunch]

Yuck.

Ew.

I don't think I want to know what that is.

Arnie!

No Arnie. No nothing.

This is some internship.

Aah!Aah!

Hi, Arnie.

I didn't mean to barge in, but...

Clarissa, hi.

Ah, welcome to the newspaper business.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I got a flash. Don't move.

You get to write down the ideas when you get them.

Otherwise, you'll never get them down at all.

Do you want me to write that down for you?

No.

Don't write my ideas. Just keep track of your own.

Well, don't you think a reporter's notebook

would come in handy?

I always lose those things.

Napkins, somehow, I seem to hold on to.

Egg roll!

Breakfast of champions.

Real brain food, Clarissa.

Want some?No, thanks.

Do you mind if I ask you something?

Not at all.

A good reporter should ask away.

Um, well, what were you doing sleeping behind the door?

If I teach you nothing else in this internship,

I will teach you to sleep standing up.

Best skill any journalist can have.

And anybody who tells you different is a hack.

No kidding.

Actually, I am kidding.

[alarm ringing]Whoa!

Hey!

It's the alarm clock.

I usually wake myself,

but a good newsman never takes chances.

Well, don't you want to turn the alarm off?

Yes. Right. Good.

[alarm ringing]

You're my intern. Help me find it.

[alarm ringing]

Aha! Here it is.

[turns alarm off]

Okay,

we've got some work to do.

Great.

Say, listen,

you may be way ahead of me on this,

but I've got this idea.

Have you ever thought of using your computer?

[laughs]

That crazy contraption the newspaper gave to me?

Makes me nervous just to look at it.

But don't you think it could help you get,

you know, organized?

Getting organized...

Great idea, Clarissa.

That can be your job.

I want you to take all the stuff that I do

and organize it.

[telephone ringing]

I've got it.

Organize this mess?

Something tells me

I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

[gong resounds]

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

♪ Na-na-na, na, na, na

Okay, remember the real world?

Well, it's pretty unreal.

How have things been going so far?

Let's turn to a fast-breaking intern update.

After Arnie decided

he was too disorganized for us to start getting organized,

he initiated me into the world of sports.

Intern hour one,

we watched a Brazilian soccer play-off game.

I took notes.

Yes.

Yes!

But Arnie's the one

who really got a kick out of it.

Intern hour two,

Arnie teaches me

why it's important for a journalist

to know a foreign language.

Moo goo gai pan.

Moo shu lo mein.

Subgum.Ciao.

Darn!

Did you want some duck sauce?

I guess it's hard to write on an empty stomach.

And finally, intern hour three,

Arnie had me watch highlights of the ' World Series,

the Mets versus the Red Sox.

Watch this call. Watch this call.

You bum! You bum!

God, I love baseball.

You should have seen him cry when the Mets won again.

Meanwhile, I've been filing everything

from NCAA basketball stats

to Olympic ping-pong regulations.

I'm gonna get Arnie organized or else,

I just hope dad hasn't been too hard on Sam.

Good, Sam. Good.

Okay, now take the T-square firmly

but lightly in your left hand.

Good.

Now trace along the edge

with an authoritative yet loving stroke.

There we go. Ah.

It's thrilling, isn't it?

I guess so.

Oh!What?

Well, you went too far, see. You went over the line.

Oh, sorry, Mr. Darling.

It's all right, Sam. It's your first day.

You're bound to make mistakes.

Hey, how's it going?

Great.Great.

You guys almost done?

Yep. All done.

Sam, one second.

Remember, putting our tools away is half the job.

Oh, right, Mr. Darling. I forgot.

Now, everything here has been marked

for its specific container.

Let's see.

Exacto Kn*fe A- goes in the A- receptacle,

like so.

It's always good to have your things organized.

Sure is, Mr. Darling.

Oh...

Now what are you doing out of your box?

Dad,

what would you say about an advance on my allowance?

Ferguson, I am not giving you $

for some fancy haircut.

I only need more dollars.

I cashed in the w*r bond

that Aunt Dorney gave me for my th birthday.

Oh, all right, but I still say that

there's nothing wrong with Stan the barber.

Here...Thanks.

Well, everyone,

take one long, last look at the old me,

because when I return from monsieur Pierre's,

I will be the new me.

That's a lot to ask from a haircut.

Well, Sam, it was a good first day.

I'll see you tomorrow at : p.m. sharp?

Sharp.

That's my dad.

He's nothing if he's not punctual.

Yeah. So how'd it go with my dad?

Good. Fine. Really good.

Fine.

What about you?

Great.

I learned a whole bunch of stuff from your dad.

I mean, I never realized that

refilling the lead in a mechanical pencil

was such an exact science.

Yeah, I should have warned you

my dad can be a real stickler for details.

Hey, but in a good way.

Yeah. In a good way.

Well, I'd better get home and reheat the chow mein.

Yeah.

Arnie really enjoys his Chinese food.

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

See you.

Oh, well, I've signed up, I'm in the intern business,

and I'm sticking with it.

What's the worst that can happen?

I can handle Sam's dad.

Sam can handle my dad.

And Sam and I are just gonna have to handle each other

with kid gloves till this whole thing is over.

[knock on door]

Hi, Arnie.

Arnie?

Ow!

Clarissa.

Ready to get cracking?

Great but um,

do you ever work at "The Dispatch?"

You know, I wouldn't mind going down there.

I know. But I've got this hang-up.

I can't seem to write in a place

where I'm supposed to be writing.

Oh.

I get it.

Setting your own environment

can be very important for a journalist.

Now, Sam tells me you're a good editor.

Here's your chance.

This is next week's column.

I need you to cut it in half with this.

Be ruthless.

But this column's about boxing.

I don't know anything about boxing.

Here's everything you need to know

about the sweet science.

Give it a sh*t, and we'll compare notes, huh?

But, um--

And, hey, why don't you go home and work on that?

Home?

Oh, don't you ever go to the news room?

Hey, no way.

Why do you think I chose sports?

See you tomorrow, Clarissa.Ciao.

Okay. Ciao.

Well, this isn't exactly

how I pictured the real world of journalism,

but at least I've got a real assignment.

[ladder bangs]

Hi, Sam.

[twangy guitar chord]

Hey, Clarissa.

I came by to set up a time with your dad

for tomorrow's interning session.

Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?

Not even close.

Mr. Darling...

I mean, your dad,

well, he likes things just a certain way...

way in advance.

Yeah.

Some people have really weird working habits.

What does that mean?

Oh, nothing.

I just think it's just strange that your dad eats Chinese

takeout every single day of his life

and writes his notes on the napkins.

What's so weird about that? It's his personal style.

Well, hasn't he ever heard that too much MSG

can make you crazy?

Well, there's crazy, and then there's crazy.

What does that mean?Oh, nothing.

Just that I called having a proper name

for every single one of your pencils

a little weird side.

Are you talking about my dad?

Oh, does your dad do that?

Well, at least he sleeps in a bed.

Does your dad sleep?

I was beginning to think he stayed up all night

rearranging his paper clips.

I was afraid this was gonna happen.

It's okay when your own dad drives you crazy

but it's worse when he drives your friends crazy.

Yeah, actually, it's kind of embarrassing.

I've given up cleaning up after him.

You know what the worst thing is?

What?

On top of everything else,

I feel like I'm not a good intern.

I feel like your dad thinks I'm a dweeb.

No, he thinks you're great. He told me last night.

If anyone's a dweeb it's me.

I can't even stack the erasers right.

Sam, my dad loves you.

He just gets carried away.

Yeah, his stuff is really cool.

I guess details are pretty essential

for an architect.

And your dad's article is great.

He does has some pretty unusual working habits,

but I guess they work for him.

Maybe we should just go with the flow.

Yeah.

Let's stop asking what our internships can do for us

and start asking what we can do for our internships.

Good.

Uh-huh.

Very nice cut, very nice.

But, Clarissa...Yeah?

Don't read over my shoulder. It makes me nervous.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, it's time, then.

Time for what?

Remember that game I made you watch the other day?

The Brazilian soccer match?

"The Dispatch" needs a two-paragraph blurb on it

by tomorrow.

Go. Write it down.

Me? By myself? Really?

Here's a napkin and a pen.

Go to it.

Just start writing?

Sure.

Arnie, you know, how you always say

a writer's environment is important, right?

You bet.

Well, my ideal journalistic environment

would be a little bit more...

Well, computerized.

Do you mind if I use that?

Okay, ready to go.

See, this way, instead of using napkins,

you can open a file for each different thought.

What you're saying is,

I can use my computer

for something besides a coaster.

Only if it works for you.

Hey, Arnie, would you mind not looking over my shoulder?

It tends to make a writer nervous.

Oh, where'd you learn that?

Oh, just something I picked up around the news room.

Chicken chow mein, egg rolls, litchi nuts,

I think I've got an acceptable number of

food groups represented.

Your Chinese takeout consumption

has gone a little out of control

since you finished your internship, Clarissa.

After-school snack of champions.

Brain food, Sam.

That sounds so familiar.

Butchery!

Yeah, butchery. That's what I'd call it.

Using any other word would be candy-coating the situation.

Ferguson, it's not really that bad.

Well, not for a Parisian lap dog.

Well, I'm sure monsieur le Stan can fix it.

Okay, but no lollipops.

Is that today's paper?

Sure is.

It's in here! It's in here!

What is?

My article on Brazilian soccer, see?

Where's your name?

I don't get a byline, but Arnie said

the editor liked my writing so much,

I might get to be a stringer.

Clarissa, that's wonderful.

So how did you like your internship, Samuel?

Well, I had a blast working on the design

for a comic book store.

Just think, , years from now,

we'll have interns of our own.

I just wonder what we'll be teaching them to do.

Well, maybe we should teach them

that the real world can be really...

Real.

- ♪ Na, na, na-na-na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪