01x24 - Lotteries

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Cheering and applause]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much
for being with us.

I've just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin tonight--

We begin tonight in Turkey,
the country named

after the fourth best sandwich
and the third best burger.

Turkey's leader
President Erdogan

is an important ally to the U.S.

but quite a controversial
figure at home.

MAN: Erdogan has been a divisive
leader, to say the least.

DIFFERENT MAN: There has been,
obviously, cases

of police brutality, charges of
massive corruption on his part.

Suspicious
financial dealings,

calling to intimidate
newspaper editors,

telling their family
members how they should

hide large sums
of money.

OK. Well, that last one is easy.

If you want to effectively hide
large sums of money,

I've got two words for you--
Velcro wallet.

No one will ever suspect
there is any money

in one of those things.

Done. You are welcome.

Well, Erdogan recently unveiled
his latest polarizing project,

and it is a doozy.

WOMAN: The Turkish president
has unveiled

his new presidential palace
amidst huge controversy.

Opposition politicians
have mocked the extravagance

of the palace,
which has 1,000 rooms

and is understood to have cost
more than 270 million euros.



That is impressive because
after 500 rooms,

you must be straining to think
of what to do with them.

"And this is my giant room
full of tapioca pudding.

"On your left is the Pivenary,
where you'll find

"12,000 photographs
of Jeremy Piven.

"It's the world's largest
collection of photos

"of Jeremy Piven outside
of Jeremy Piven's house.

"And finally,
over here is my "Room" room.

"It's a room where I watch
the movie "The Room."

His whole palace--
His whole palace is insane.

It is situated on a 1.6 million
square feet of land,

and--and this is really
what drives the price up--

it's in an excellent
school district.

Actually, the palace's location

has been genuinely
controversial.

WOMAN: Environmentalists
are angry that the complex

is being built
on one of the city's

best-preserved green spaces

and that hundreds of trees
were cut down.

Now, to be fair, Erdogan offset
that environmental impact

by buying a Sodastream.

So no more wasteful cans
of seltzer for him.

We're square. We're square.

But Erdogan is not relenting
to his critics, even saying,

"No one can prevent
the completion of this building.

"If they are powerful enough,
let them come and demolish it,"

and that takes some balls, which
is actually doubly impressive,

considering that
a few years back,

he had his balls
stomped on by a horse.

Hey! Hey! Don't you dare
feel sorry for that man.

Remember, he has 1,000 rooms

in which to nurse
his crushed balls,

and to that Turkish horse,
I say this.

You should not step
on people's balls,

but in this solitary instance,
kudos, horse.

Kudos. So let's move on.

Let's move on
to some local news.

Citizens of New York
recently got

an exciting Internet
opportunity.

MAN: The city's top-level
domain .nyc

is now available
to all New Yorkers.

That's right.

New Yorkers are now eligible
to purchase .nyc domain names

because sometimes a Wesleyan
alumni e-mail address

isn't enough to let people
on the Internet know

you live in Brooklyn.

There was an immediate rush
to register web addresses,

even from ex-mayor
Michael Bloomberg.

The law firm representing
Bloomberg's foundation

purchased several hundred .nyc
addresses related to his name.

Some are normal, like
officialmikebloomberg.nyc,

but some aren't as flattering,
like mikebloombergisadweeb.nyc

or mikeistooshort.nyc.

Many others were vulgar.

Oh, they were vulgar
because these

are some actual domain names
his firm purchased--

fuckbloomberg.nyc,

fuckmichaelbloomberg.nyc,
fuckmikebloomberg.nyc,

and michaelbloombergistooshort
tobepresident.nyc.

I'm guessing--

It's just a thought,
but I'm guessing this all began

with Bloomberg walking up
to his staff and saying,

"What do people like
to say about me?"

and after about 400 suggestions,
saying, "OK. Stop. Stop.

Let's just buy all of them."

However, it turns out,
he left a few on the table.

For instance, while he did get
michaelbloombergisaweiner.nyc,

with an E-I, the I-E version
is still available,

or it was available because,
to be honest, we bought it,

and we are currently using it
to host a single photograph

of Bloomberg
with a possible erection

during a Hurricane Sandy
press conference.

So we're not wasting it.
We're not wasting it.

Also, full disclosure,
we also bought

tinytinymikebloomberg.nyc
to host an image

of him sleeping
in a matchbox bed

using a cotton ball as a pillow.

Shh, you'll wake him.
He's so tiny.

And finally, we also got

bloombergeatsbabycorn
asifitsrealcorn.nyc,

and none of these domain names
are for sale, Bloomberg.

You might have bought


but you can't have these.

In fact, I would encourage
everyone to go

to ownit.nyc right now and buy
the domain name of your choice.

As of this taping,
all of these are available.

Do it because--trust me--there
is no better feeling on earth

than owning something
a desperate billionaire

is unable to purchase.

And finally, finally tonight--

Finally tonight,
I would like to talk--

I'd like to talk about salmon--
cat food for people,

tuna's understudy that you hope
never has to go on,

and that stupid fish that
doesn't know how rivers work.

Salmon famously have to fight
their way upstream to spawn,

but, thanks
to hydroelectric dams,

that's become
increasingly difficult,

but don't worry because,
as we found out recently,

America is on it.

I'm Ben Tracy
in Washington state,

where we're going
to introduce you

to a pretty sweet piece
of technology

known as the salmon cannon.

That's coming up
on "CBS This Morning."

You know, sometimes--

Sometimes people say the news
has lost its touch,

but every now and then,
they f*cking nail it

because a cannon that fires fish
through a tube

and over a dam
is absolutely incredible,

and if you're wondering
what it looks like

when they come out
the other side,

the company that makes it,

incidentally called
Whooshh Innovations,

has produced a spectacular
slow-motion video

set to classical music.

♪

[Laughter]

In your darkest moments
of despair

when you see a world
torn apart by w*r,

I want you to remember
that video and think,

"We can do great things.
We can do great things."

In fact, let me tell you--

Let me tell you how much
I love the salmon cannon.

I love it so much, we made
our own cannon this week.

So this thing
is pretty powerful.

So who wants to give
this puppy a go?

Let's see where
this salmon ends up.

Of course, the situation
in the Mideast

only getting more complicated.

The U.S. has been bombing--

OK. OK. So we know it works.
We know it works.

Let's try firing two fish
somewhere else.

Thank you, spatulas,
or, as I like to call--

[Laughter and applause]

Very nice.

Let's try something
a little more difficult.

You took my daughter
from me.

What did you expect?

I'm not trying
to deny it,

but I don't remember.

Oh, that's
convenient.

It cost me
your love.

[Whoosh]

[Cheering and applause]

Clearly, this
is the greatest object

that has ever been invented.

So I am emptying this bucket,
and let us see

how big we can go on this thing.

Welcome back.
I'm Michelle Beadle.

Incredible footage coming out
of Houston Rockets practice,

where Dwight Howard was injured
making a block.

Howard broke two fingers
and is expected to miss--

MAN: Ohh!

Members of the Obama
administration temporarily--

There's a new report about
Iran's nuclear program,

and it seems--

And that's why it's so important
that we support--

[Whoosh]

What the--

This would actually help to--

What the hell?

PAUL SHAFFER:
That's actually perfect.

Ha ha ha!
What crazy news.

Olive oil.

Hashtag--

Interesting how
in this day and age--

[Beeping]

J.J. ABRAMS:
Cut, cut. Stop, stop.

R2, awesome,
except it's,

"Bleep bleep,
squawk, bloop."

Stick to the script
because I have--

I'm glad they didn't
ask us to come down.

It gets better.

From the Broadway play
"The Real Thing"--

What? Hey! Hey! D'oh!

Ooh! Ow! Eek! Ow! OK! Huh!

[EKG beeping]



[Whoosh]

[Long beep]

[Whoosh]
Hey!

I quit. I can't
work like this.

[Squawk]

[Chewbacca moans]

ABRAMS:
Shut up, Chewie.

D'oh! Hey! Ow! D'oh!

Mm, salmon.

Moving on, moving on--

[Cheering and applause]

Moving on,

let's move to our
main story tonight--the lottery.

It's the second best use of
Magic Marker on ping pong balls

after Kermit the Frog's eyes.

Now, this past week saw a huge
Mega Millions draw.

WOMAN: A big winning lottery
ticket was sold in New York.

Lots of people around here
have been peeking

at their lottery tickets
this morning.

MAN: The Mega Millions mystery
this evening,

that $321 million jackpot.

The search for the winner
is on tonight.

Well, the winner shouldn't be
too hard to find.

If someone at your work
this week marched in

and told everyone
to go f*ck themselves

before flipping their desk over
and storming out,

that's probably your winner
right there,

but don't worry
if you didn't hit the jackpot.

You will, frankly,
have an unbelievable number

of other opportunities to play.


have lotteries,

and you can't have missed
the commercials

featuring everything from
a ping pong ball thunderstorm

to a furry dressed as a cat
playing with a ball of money

to a weird, lucky man
who, for some reason,

decided to spend
his lottery winnings

terrifying a penguin
by taking it hang gliding,

and that is a bizarrely specific
use of a big lottery win.

"Look. If my numbers come up,
I'm strapping

"a penguin to my chest,
and I'm taking to the skies.

"f*ck you, evolution.
I decide who flies.

That's my choice, my choice."

Lottery commercials--

Lottery commercials
are incredibly seductive,

and they're also everywhere.

States spend half a billion
dollars on them every year,

and the reason they do that
is that the lottery

is a massive money maker
for them.

MAN: Last year alone,
lottery sales totaled

about $68 billion.



That's more than Americans
spent last year

on movie tickets, music, porn,

the NFL, Major League Baseball,
and video games combined,

which means Americans basically
spent more on the lottery

than they spent on America,

and if you think about it,
it's a little strange

for the government
to be running

what is basically a gigantic
gambling business,

but we don't think about
lotteries like that,

perhaps because
they're sold to us

more as charitable foundations.

WOMAN: $3 billion for education
opens a lot of doors.

The Tennessee Lottery--

Game Changing,
Life Changing, Fun.

MAN: Education matters
to Oregonians.

That's why over 5 billion
in lottery dollars

have gone to support
public education.

The Oregon Lottery--
It Does Good Things.

WOMAN: Every time you play
a New York Lottery game,

a portion of your sale
goes to aid

New York state school children
just like them.

New York Lottery--
everybody wins.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

Those ads are basically
implying that anyone

who does not play the lottery
is selfish.

"Hey, why don't you want
to educate

these harmonizing children,
you f*cking monster?"

So let's take a look
at those slogans--

"Everybody wins,"
"The lottery does good things,"

and, "It's game-changing,
life-changing fun."

Is it, does it, and do they?

Let's start with the basics.

The lottery generates
$68 billion in sales a year.

So where does that money
come from?

MAN: Over the course
of the last two decades,

multiple studies have found
lower-income households

spend a higher percentage of
their money on lottery tickets.

Yeah. That kind of makes sense.

Lots of people like to gamble,
and for lower-income households,

the lottery is
an affordable way to do it.

Generally when wealthy people
want to take risks

with their money, they either

choose to invest
in the stock market

or they leave their wife for
Amber without signing a prenup

because Amber is forever.

Besides, she just gets you.

She's a little tiring,
but she'll be there.

The lottery is in the business
of selling people hope,

and they do a great job of that.

MAN: Start a college fund
for our kids.

♪

Start a college fund
for their kids.

A game with jackpots
worthy of your dreams.

Mega Millions--dream mega.

That feels like an ad
for a mutual fund,

but crucially, the lottery
is not an investment

because it's worth mentioning
that those mega dreams

are mega unlikely to happen.

MAN: What are the real chances
of winning?

A lousy one in 176 million.

Winning the Mega Millions
is akin to getting struck

by lightning at the same time
you're being eaten by a shark.

OK.

That is both an evocative image

and an amazing pitch
for a movie.

"OK. So there's this guy.

"He's getting eaten
by a shark, see?

"Lightning hits him.

"He switches minds
with the shark.

"The shark wins the lottery.

"It's "Freaky Friday"
meets "Jaws."

I'm calling it
"Slumshark Gillionaire."

"Slumshark Gillionaire"?
"Channing Tatum has passed."

Now, the lottery does have
some smaller games and prizes

where the odds
are a little better,

but even then, it pays out
a much lower percentage

of its revenues
than even horse racing,

and the worst part is,
when you lose the lottery

and you're angry
with your ticket,

you don't even have
the satisfaction of knowing

that it'll be turned
into dog food, and yet--

and yet we are still drawn
to the lottery,

partly because we're told
to ignore the odds.

WOMAN: It's your dream.
Anything can happen.

MAN: Dream, play, win.

DIFFERENT MAN:
Hey, you never know.

DIFFERENT MAN: Power your dreams
for just two bucks.

PENNY FORD:
♪ I've got the power

Those ads are so effective,
in the time it took you

to watch that montage,
I went out and bought

all of these lottery tickets.

Someone's gotta win.
It might as well be me.

But even when people do win big,

things have a tendency
to go south fast.

We've all seen tragic headlines
about lottery winners,

like "Lottery Winner
Blows Through 27 Million,"

"Lottery Winner Found Dead
In Bed,"

or "Brother Hired Hit Man
Over 16 Million Jackpot Win."

It seems winning the lottery
can be like marrying Tom Cruise.

Sure, it seems amazing
in your mind.

You might even dream about
it happening one day,

but if it actually does,


the magic will be over, you'll
be estranged from your family,

and you will have seen things
you can never unsee, never.

[Shudders]

Now, in Israel--

In Israel, lottery winners
are actually photographed

wearing masks to protect
their identities,

and in the Nineties,
this is how

one man from Gaza
collected his prize.

WOMAN: Most lottery winners
don't turn up

with a bag over their head,
but this 24-year-old Palestinian

wanted to remain anonymous.

That's right.

Winning the lottery
is such a curse

that you can find yourself
in the Middle East with a bag

over your head because
something good happened to you.

So why do people play?

Well, for some, they can't stop.

The lottery can be
extremely addictive,

and states know this.

Many lotteries offer resources
to help problem gamblers.

The Illinois Lottery even has
a section on their website

for "responsible gaming,"
although when we clicked

on the link, we got--
and this is true--

a pop-up ad for the lotto.

Seriously, Illinois?

There is a reason that
the first step

in a 12-step program isn't,

"Congratulations on starting
the program.

"Why not reward yourself with
a refreshing gin and tonic?

Cheers."

Look. I'm sure--

I'm sure that that is just
an innocent mistake,

just like I'm sure
that it's a coincidence

that if you Google
"lottery intervention,"

this is what comes up.

Ah, ha ha ha!

MAN: Need a lottery
intervention?

Play the new DC Fast Play games
from the DC Lottery.

Feel the thrill
of winning instantly.

Are you kidding me?

Someone at the DC Lottery
deserves a promotion

before they go directly to hell.

And at the very same time
they're supposedly addressing

problem gambling,
states are actively expanding

into even more addictive
products.

Just look at Oregon.

The lottery takes in about--
makes about a billion dollars

every two years
for the state.

About 80% of it,
maybe even more--



WOMAN: Yeah. That's
what we're running

right there
on the screen. Boy.

comes from one source, and
that's these video machines,

mostly video slot machines
or video poker.

The vast majority
of Oregon's lottery income

comes from video slots
and video poker,

meaning that Oregon claims
this is a lottery machine

because of course it is,

just like this
is a lottery wheel

and this is a lottery table,

and, of course, we all remember

Martin Scorsese's movie
"Lottery."

Machines like these
are not only addictive.

They're incredibly lucrative.

Internal Oregon Lottery
data indicates

that regular lottery players
lost an average

of $106 per year, whereas
video poker and slots players

lost an average of $2,564.

That's an insane amount
of money.

You could buy a '98 Mazda
with that money, and you should.

You should. It's got a moonroof
and 6-way speakers.

You should get in it
right now and drive

in the opposite direction
of any video poker machine,

although good luck with that
if you live in Oregon

because these machines
are everywhere.

There are more than 12,000
of them in the state,

and that kind of ubiquity puts
some people in serious danger.

My boyfriend and I have
gotten into fights over--

You know, I'll go out.

You know, I'm just going
somewhere with a friend of mine,

and I end up playing
video poker,

or I'm supposed to go
to the store to buy food,

and then I come home
with no food and no money.

You know, as soon as I walk
in the door, he knows,

and then we don't
have any food.

Remember, the machines that
are causing her such trouble

are run by the state,
a state which proclaims

its lottery "does good things,"
and at this point, I'm thinking

it may not be a coincidence
that the logo

for the Oregon state lottery is
someone crossing their fingers,

the universal sign for lying.

OK. So maybe--
Maybe the next question--

[Applause]

Maybe the next question
should be this.

Why do state lawmakers
keep approving all this?

Well, as those singing children
told us, lotteries are really

all about good causes,
like education,

and that's always
been the excuse.

State lotteries were illegal
in this country until 1964,

when New Hampshire
launched the first one

under the guise
of a very familiar message.

How come you're buying
one of these tickets?

This is the first one
in our country,

and I would like
to participate in it,

and I also feel that it's
for a very good cause--

education.

Well, there probably isn't
a better reason,

but there are plenty of better
ways to fund education--

sales tax, bake sale,
or simply putting cash

into an envelope, writing
"school" on the front of it,

and mailing it--
because for all the claims--

for all the claims
that lotteries are a huge boost

to education, the reality
is a little different.

MAN: Our investigation
of government spending

in the 24 states that dedicate
lottery funds for education

yields a stunningly bad
report card.

The percentage of state spending
on education is down or flat

in 21 of those states
from coast to coast.

Lotteries provided
no additional funding

for education in 21
out of 24 states.

As math students in one
of those places would put it,

that is nearly 50%.

How is this possible?

Well, let's just look
at North Carolina.

Their governor inaugurated the
North Carolina Education Lottery

nearly a decade ago
with big promises.

When the lottery is
fully implemented,

we'll be adding another
half-billion dollars annually

for education.

Half a billion extra.
That sounds great.

You'd think by now,
all North Carolina preschoolers

would be strutting around
in fine, bespoke suits

quoting Nietzsche
and Kierkegaard,

but, in fact, North Carolina
currently spends

less per student on education

than it did when
the lottery even began,

and if you're thinking,
"How the f*ck is that possible?"

it's because money
in state budgets

tends to move around a lot.

Trying to add money
just for one purpose

is a bit like trying to piss in
one corner of a swimming pool.

It's going all over the place,
no matter what you claim.

Let me give you
just a narrow example.

In 2012, North Carolina
used $100 million

of lottery money
for school construction,

but that didn't mean
the school construction budget

was 100 million bigger
than it would have been

because while that money
was flowing in,

other money was flowing out.

MAN: A portion
of corporate income taxes

used to go toward construction,
but when the lottery passed,

that tax money went away,

substituted
with lottery revenue.

And where did that
corporate tax money go?

Who knows? There's not even
a warm spot where it once was,

but in a completely
unconnected development,

North Carolina plans to cut
corporate taxes substantially

over the next few years.

So thanks for playing
the Education Lottery,

North Carolina.

Better luck next time.

But despite all this,

states are not only
keeping faith in lotteries.

They're doubling down
and trying to reach new players

by putting it
on your cell phone.

Illinois launched an app
this year to let you buy tickets

on your phone,
which is terrifying

because we all know that if,
starting right now,

your mother could play
the lottery as easily

as she plays Candy Crush,
in 3 weeks,

she'll be preparing Thanksgiving
dinner over a trashcan fire,

but I'm sure that Illinois
will make the same arguments

that everyone does to justify
state-sponsored gambling--

"Hey, it brings in money
for good causes,"

except, as I think
we've seen by now,

lotteries are bad for losers,
often bad for winners,

and a pretty compromising way to
assist state budgets.

Think about it this way.

Gambling is a little
like alcohol.

Most people like it.

Some are addicted to it,
and it's not like the state

can or should outlaw it
altogether,

but it would be a little strange
if the state

was in the liquor business,
advertising it by claiming

that every shot of vodka
you drink

helps school children learn.

Yeah.

♪ Thank me for being a friend

[Cheering and applause]

I'm gonna get those kids
an iPad.

I'm a winner.
Everybody's a winner.

And now this.

MALE ANNOUNCER: And now...

So, you know,
spoiler alert,

there's no one food that's
gonna really perk you up.

MAN: Train versus
tractor trailer,

and, spoiler alert,
the tractor trailer loses.

LESTER HOLT: We introduce you
to some of the newest additions

at our nation's zoos, and,
spoiler alert, they're adorable.

That sort of classic
summertime pattern

is going to be returning,
but it may be

a little bit of a spoiler alert
for your weekend.

The jobs numbers are in,
and, spoiler alert,

they're really good.

The big question tonight--

will Republicans take control
of the U.S. Senate?

They need 6 seats
to pull it off.

So what will happen?
Spoiler alert, we don't know.

[Cheering and applause]

And finally tonight, finally,

I have some good news
and some bad news.

The bad news is, this is
our final show of the year.

The good news is, we will be
back in 2015, which, frankly--

[Cheering and applause]

frankly, that seems like--

That seems like a poor decision
on HBO's part,

but we're not complaining.

We've had such a fun year
dealing with all

the most important
stories out there,

from dead space sex geckos
to pole-dancing chickens

to Scottish unicorns
to whatever this was.

This exuberance is never gonna
blow up in our face.

USA! USA! USA!

Obviously, that was part
of a story

about vicious, antihomosexuality
laws in Uganda, and, of course--

Amazingly, that's actually true.

And there were, of course, also,
the occasional musical numbers.

♪ Our prison population
is bigger than Slovenia ♪

♪ 'Cause we put
people in jail ♪

♪ Instead of treating
schizophrenia ♪

Now, in our defense,
you find a better rhyme

for "treating schizophrenia."

It is not easy.

It has been a really fun
first year,

and I just want to take a moment
to thank our whole staff,

who have worked incredibly hard
and, as well, to thank

some of the other personnel
who've helped us a great deal.

First are the characters
from our prison piece.

So I just wanted to say,
thank you so much

for your help, guys.

Oh, no problem,
Mr. Oliver. Yeah.

I can't believe
you're already

done for the year.

I know. It's just
flown by, the time. Yeah.

I can't believe you're
going on vacation

after only


I don't know about
"only" 24 episodes.

That seems
like a lot.

Really? Jimmy Fallon
does 5 shows a week,

and his are
an hour long.

Yeah. Well, you know,
I'm not Jimmy Fallon.

I wish you were.
Hey, hey, hey.

He's amazing.

He's a total
entertainer,

a quadruple
threat.

Yes. He's so
handsome, too,

all-American
good looks,

not a bit
of cynicism.

I get your point.
You like Jimmy.

I get it.
Yeah.

Well, I just wanted to say
thank you to you guys.

You look transfixed
by the idea of him.

Yeah.

I wanted to say thank you
not just to you guys,

but also to
some other people

because there are
a few others who wanted

to say good-bye
before the season ends.

So let me take
this opportunity to thank

our pole-dancing
rotisserie chicken

and our sexy soybean,

our horny space sex gecko,
our Miss America,

our Scottish independence
unicorn,

our breakdancing Lincoln,
and, of course,

who can forget
our Supreme Court dogs?

Here they are.

Who's a very important
check and balance?

You are. You are.

Thank you all so much
for watching.

We will see you next year.

I can't thank you enough.
Good night. Good night.

No! No!