02x04 - Infrastructure

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[audience cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!

I'm John Oliver.

Just time
for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin in Russia,

the future home
of 45 million Ukrainians.

[laughter]
Well, on Friday,

there was
some terrible news.

We are following
the breaking story
out of Moscow--

the m*rder
of Russian opposition
leader Boris Nemtsov.

The 55-year-old
opposition politician

was gunned down
less than two days

before he was
to lead a large rally

against Russian President,
Vladimir Putin.

Wow. That would seem
like a shocking coincidence

if you knew
literally nothing
about Russia,

because Nemtsov is just
the latest in a long line

of Putin's enemies
to find themselves
mysteriously imprisoned or dead.

In fact,
just a few weeks ago,

Nemtsov was asked
in an interview

if he was afraid
that Putin might k*ll him,

and his answer was,
"Yes, a little bit."

In fact, at the end
of that interview,

the journalist said to him...

...which sounds chilling,
but to be fair,

"I hope
Putin will not k*ll you,"

is just how Russian people
say goodbye to each other.

"Thank you
for dinner, Dmitri.

"I hope
Putin will not k*ll you."

"Thanks. I hope
Putin will not k*ll you, too."

Obviously, we won't know
who k*lled Nemtsov

until the investigation
into his death is complete.

There's just
one problem with that.

Tonight, Vladimir Putin says
he will personally take charge

of the investigation
into Nemtsov's death.

Yes, this will be
Detective Putin's
greatest mystery

since "The Case
of the Missing
Crimean Peninsula

"That I Would Very Much Like
to Take Back Now."

Look, let's give Putin
the benefit of the doubt

because his investigation
has already made

an early breakthrough,
and it turns out

he's definitely not involved.

Woman:
President Vladimir Putin
has condemned the m*rder,

calling it a contract k*lling.

Man: He also launched an
investigation into the m*rder

and said it bears
all the hallmarks
of a contract k*lling.

"Yes, I will find
whoever is responsible

"for this contract k*lling

"and make sure
they are paid whatever
it is that I owe them.

"So, that--
I will do that."

Moving on.
Let's move on

to Washington, DC.

Earlier this week,
there was big news
from the FCC.

It is now being called
a historic decision

for how Americans
surf the net.

The FCC approved
sweeping net neutrality rules.

Yes! Cable
and telecom companies

will not be allowed

to create a two-tiered
fast lane and slow lane

on the Internet,
meaning that all of us

will be treated
the same when we upload
and share pictures

of a gold and white dress.

It is gold and white!
I will fight every one of you!

I will fight you!
I will fight you!

Now-- Now, remember,

when we talked
about this subject last year,

we likened Tom Wheeler,
the head of the FCC,

to a dingo babysitter

due to the fact
that he once ran

the cable industry's
lobbying arm,

which prompted
this response.

I would like to...

state for the record
that I'm not a dingo.

Yes, you are.
You are a dingo.

It's just that
in this one instance

you did not eat the baby,

so good dingo.
Keep it up.

Good babysitting, dingo.
Keep it up.

This is genuinely good news,

and not just because consumers
and entrepreneurs are happy,

but because Internet service
providers are sad.

And no one reacted
more passive-aggressively
than Verizon.

Verizon putting out
this press release,

objecting to what they called


So what did they do?
They put out the press release
in Morse code

to emphasize their point.

Wow. That's petty.

And by the way, Verizon,

I'll say this for Morse code:

At least it didn't drop out
for no f*cking reason

any time people walked
into their kitchen.

"There's a dead zone
by the stove, Bartholomew.

"Just wave the machine
around a bit."

It appears, though,
that some members in Congress

are on Verizon's side,
because just one day
after the FCC's ruling,

one of them took
to the House floor
to disagree with it.

The Obama majority
on the FCC

seized unprecedented control
over the Internet

under the guise
of net neutrality.

Now net neutrality
is the notion that

the latest cat video
is of equal importance

to a teleconference consultation
for a heart patient.

Okay, first of all,
what if the latest cat video

is a teleconference
for a heart patient

with Dr. Larry
Meowberg Fluffstein?

Because he's excellent.
He's excellent.

But second,
you are misunderstanding
what net neutrality is.

Cat videos are
part of the point.

Net neutrality is
about keeping providers

from picking and choosing
whose voices get heard,

ensuring that the Internet
remains a democratic space

for all messages,
even if all a message
contains is this...

Woman:
No, no, no, no, no!
Get-- No.

No. No. Tsst! No. No.

[dramatic music plays]

[clinks]

[cheering]
Yes! That's freedom!

Finally-- Finally,

a quick word on history

or, as Ken Burns calls it,
pornography.

This week brought
some shocking news

about a fact that everyone
was taught at some point
in history class.

The rat has had
a bad rap over the centuries.

By far,
its most deadly offense--

spreading the Black Death
across the world

in the 14th century,
k*lling 75 million people.

But it seems that rats
have been the victims

of one of history's
biggest framings.

Okay, first,
history's biggest framings

are inside
Mariah Carey's living room,

and they are around
oil paintings of Mariah Carey.

That's a fact.
That's a fact.

But secondly, if rats
didn't spread the plague,

who did?

Man: Scientists in Norway
believe it may actually
have been this,

the innocent, little gerbil.

Gerbils?
Let me get this straight.

The Black Death, the plague
which nearly wiped out

human civilization
as we know it,

may have been caused
by Mr. Nibbles here?

Look, if rats have
been falsely accused,

we clearly need
to make amends.

I only partially say that
because I live in New York,

so I'm reasonably certain
there are at least 30 rats

within five feet of me
right now.

So, gather round, rats,

because we've made
a video just for you.

Announcer:
For centuries,
humanity's placed

the blame for one
of its greatest calamities

squarely at the feet
of the common rat.

Man:
The Black Death
was the result

of bubonic plague
spread by rats.

Announcer:
This turns out to be false,

so it is with great humility
that we, the human race,

would like to apologize
to the rat community

for centuries
of demonization.

[grunts]

Announcer:
Apologies, rats.
You deserve better.

Audience: Aww.
Announcer: Now, as for you,

you devious gerbil bastards,

all this time we've been
buying wheels for you to run
on,

constructing
elaborate gerbilariums
for you to inhabit,

and making hats for you--
specially made hats--

which, granted, you pulled off,
but that's not the point!

All this time,
you whiskered fucks,

you may have been
responsible for casting
a grim shadow of death,

over human civilization
as we know it.

We ought to smack you
right in your incredibly cute
glassy eyes.

So, here's the deal...

We, the human race,
are pissed off.

We're real pissed off,

and we demand an apology.

We don't care
how you do it--

write it with scraps
of newspaper,

chew it into
a toilet paper roll,

spell it out
in your own shit,

just get it done, gerbils.

And just to reiterate,
sorry to rats.

Moving on.
Our main story tonight

is about infrastructure.

It's our roads,
bridges, dams, levees,
airports, power grids--

basically anything
that can be destroyed
in an action movie.

Woman:
Get of there!

[man yells]

God damn it!

[screaming]

Holy shit!

If an alien species
judged humanity

by our most popular movies,

they'd think we were furious
with asphalt all the time.

The problem is, though,
when our infrastructure is not

being destroyed by robots
and/or saved by Bruce Willis,

we tend to find it
a bit boring.

As you know,
infrastructure is not
a sexy or glamorous topic.

And as much as I'd like
to think otherwise,

infrastructure is not sexy.

Infrastructure's
not very sexy.

Yes, infrastructure,
like those men we
just heard from,

is important but not sexy.

Although, to be fair,
that may just be

because Hollywood
promotes unrealistic standards
of infrastructure beauty.

That's not what
a real road looks like!

Real roads have curves!

So, most people think

infrastructure is boring.
They think it's boring,

but is it?

'Cause I'd argue
that it's actually
pretty fascinating.

And I know that in saying that,
I've basically become

the rad youth counselor
trying to convince you

that Jesus was
the Taylor Swift of his time.

"'Revelations'
is a breakup song
to the Romans, guys.

"Who wants
another Mountain Dew? Catch."

So, let's talk
about infrastructure tonight,

and let's begin with dams,

because dams are amazing.

They're the most powerful device
we have for holding back liquid,

aside from the idea
of using a porta-potty.

I'll wait.
I'll just wait forever.

I cannot go in there.

America used to love dams.

♪
Announcer: Grand Coulee Dam
in Washington state,

the world's biggest
concrete structure.

Announcer #2:
The Boulder Dam stands today
a modern Colossus.

Announcer #3:
The walls of the new dam

tower into the sky like
mighty modern pyramids.

Yes, and we built
those dams with ingenuity,

and brawn, and, of course,

piles and piles
of dead Irish.

Audience: Oh...
Of course we did.
They're good workers,

and their corpses make
a solid foundation material.

That's an architectural fact.

But these days,
America's once-great dam system

is in a state
of serious disrepair.

Man: The average age
of the country's 84,000 dams

is 52 years,
and many of them have problems

that stem from when
they were first built.

Yes, much like
most Botox recipients
and competitive cloggers,

the average dam
is 52 years old

and probably has something
deeply broken inside of it.

You would think
a statistic like that

would terrify people
into action, but, amazingly,

many states are paying
virtually no attention

to their dam problems.

Announcer: In 2007,

the last year
for which statistics
are available,

Texas had just
seven inspectors responsible
for 7,400 dams.

That's over 1,050 dams
per inspector.

The state was only able
to look at 239 dams.

Alabama doesn't even have
an inspection agency

to monitor
its 2,000 plus dams.

Zero inspectors.

That means
that the state of Alabama

has exactly the same number
of dam inspectors

as the band Alabama.

And it's not just dams.

We're currently doing
a terrible job

of maintaining
all of our infrastructure.

The nation's infrastructure

of bridges, roads,
and pipelines

is sorely in need
of renovation.

Collectively, they get
nothing more than a D+.

A D+.
Think about that.

America got the same grade
that a 10th grade teacher
gives a nightmare kid,

so she doesn't have to deal
with him for another year.

"No, Landon,
we're not calculating

"the surface area
of our penises.

"Just give him a D+ and say
he has family troubles,

"I cannot even deal
with that shit again."

And look, to be fair,

that D+ grade

came from the American Society
of Civil Engineers,

who would clearly benefit

from more
infrastructure spending,

so it's a bit like having

the state of our nation's
tennis ball

assessed by the American Society
of Golden Retrievers.

"They're dangerously
underthrown!

"This must change!
We've been such good dogs.

"Such good dogs."

But other studies
have also found

our infrastructure
is lacking.

The World Economic Forum
ranks America 16th

in the world,
and we need to be better,

because when
infrastructure fails,

bad things happen,

like last year
when a pipe burst

and flooded
the campus of UCLA.

Woman: A water main break
in West Los Angeles

turned the UCLA campus
into a river.

Students walked
through ankle-deep water

or, in some cases,
tried to have fun
with the situation.

Man: I've been chilling here
for, like, 20 minutes,
trying to get the best view.

Yeah, actually,
I just came from the gym.

I got kicked out
'cause of the flood.

It looked insane.
Like, there's so much water.

"It's, like--
I've never seen
so much water,

"except for, like,
lakes, I guess."

And when the infrastructure
is damaged,

it's not just
incredibly expensive.

It can also be lethal,

from the big stuff
like bridge collapses
and dam failures,

to the little stuff,
like potholes.

Woman:
Gone at 53 years old.

Al Lee slammed
his bike into a pothole

riding along
Grizzly Peak Boulevard
in Oakland.

His wife Nancy says
a car then hit him head-on.

Roadways need
to be paved.

That's why
we have infrastructure.

That's why we pay our taxes.

That's horrifying,
but the problem is

we only ever seem
to talk about infrastructure

when something tragic
like that happens,

and the scale
of this problem is scary,

as the former Secretary
of Transportation points out.

According to the government,
there's 70,000 bridges

that have been deemed
"structurally deficient."

Yup.
What does that mean?

It means that
there are bridges
that need to be,

really, either replaced
or repaired

in a very dramatic way.

They're dangerous?
I don't wanna say
they're unsafe,

but they're dangerous.

[laughter]
What?

Hold on.
Hold on. Hold on.

When we're at a point where
the Secretary of Transportation

is struggling to decide
between using the word "unsafe"
and the word "dangerous,"

we might have
a problem worth fixing.

And if you want a glimpse
into how close to catastrophe
we occasionally are,

take this story
from Philadelphia.

Man:
In 2008, two contractors

from the Pennsylvania
Department of Transportation

stopped to get
a sausage sandwich

and parked their cars
under this bridge.

Man #2:
And fortunately, they wanted
that sausage sandwich,

'cause they saw
one of these piers

with an eight-foot gash in it
about five inches wide

And if they hadn't wanted
a sausage sandwich?

There's a strong likelihood
that bridge would've collapsed.

So, there might've
been a disaster

if those Philly contractors

hadn't wanted to stop
for a sausage sandwich,

which means we were fine.
We were always going to be fine.

But, the scary thing is--

the scary thing is,
what if the next cracked pillar
in Philadelphia

is next to a vegan
smoothie stand?

The bridge is going down,
and people are going to die.

And it's not
just Philadelphia.

Look at Pittsburgh,
the City of Bridges,

and its solution
to one that was
dangerously deteriorating.

One of these arch bridges
actually has a structure

built under it
to catch falling deck.

See that structure
underneath it?

They actually
built that to catch any
of the falling concrete,

so it wouldn't
hit traffic underneath it.

They built a bridge
under the bridge.

That is a college
sophomore approach
to structural engineering.

"Yeah, the trash
was overflowing,

"so I just started putting it
in the microwave.

"Problem solved.
I'm a legend."

And there are
dangerous bridges everywhere.

Here in New York,
the Tappan Zee Bridge

is so notoriously shaky,

one government official
in charge of fixing it

called it
a "hold your breath bridge."

And the only time

we should ever talk about
hold-your-breath bridges

would be if, for some reason,

Beau Bridges were in to
autoerotic asphyxiation

and you were trying to remember
which one he was.

"Is he the normal Bridges

"or is he
the hold-your-breath Bridges?

"It's important
that I know this."

The facts about
the Tappan Zee Bridge
are frightening enough,

and yet the History Channel
felt the need to produce

a terrifyingly
CGI-filled account
of the worst-case scenario.

Man: Some of
the Tappan Zee's
foundations are at risk,

and this is what could happen
if they eventually gave way.

[dramatic music playing]
[tires screech]

[audience laughs]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

One-- One,
that's very frightening,

but two, why did
the director assume

we'd all had such
a strong emotional attachment

to the coffee cup?

A f*cking bridge
just collapsed!

At this point,
we aren't just flirting
with disaster.

We're rounding third base
and asking if disaster
has any condoms.

And the crazy thing is,

ask any politician
from either side

and they'll tell you
that infrastructure is
incredibly important.

Everyone agrees on this.
In fact, at a recent hearing,

both business and labor,

in the form
of the US Chamber of Commerce
and the AFL-CIO,

turned out to support
infrastructure spending,

and even they know
how rare that is.

If business and labor
can come before you

united on this issue--

and we are united
on this issue,

despite our sharp disagreements
on a variety of other matters--

I think that should
tell everybody something

and tell them very loudly.

He's right. The last time
business and labor agreed
on an issue,

it was the issue
of "How dead should
Jimmy Hoffa be?"

They both agreed--
pretty dead.

Here's how obvious
our need is.

Just two days ago,
even a total idiot agreed.

We have to rebuild

our infrastructure.

Our roads are crumbling,

everything's crumbling,

and we're rebuilding China.

[cheering, applause]
Okay, now, glossing over

whatever the f*ck
he was talking about
regarding rebuilding China,

that upside-down piece
of candy corn in a wig

made of used
medical gauze is right.

We do have to rebuild
our infrastructure.

So, with consensus like this,

how are things so bad?

Well, one of the problems
is just fixing things

is not politically appealing,

because when
you build something new

you get to do this.

Woman:
One, two, three!

[cheering]
Yeah!

[cheering]

[cheering]
All right.

[cheering]

[cheering]
Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

There is nothing
politicians like more

than using oversized scissors
to cut through ribbons,

but you don't get
to cut a ribbon

after routine repairs.

Infrastructure is like Legos:

Building is fun,
destroying is fun,

but a Lego maintenance set
would be the most boring
f*cking toy in the world.

"Oh, it comes built,
and then you maintain it,

"and if you do it right,
nothing happens

"and eventually you die.
Have fun, son."

Perhaps the best symbol
for our neglected infrastructure

is the US Highway Trust Fund.

It is the single largest source
of infrastructure funding
in this country,

and guess what's
about to happen to it.

There's a May 31st deadline
this year.

The Highway Trust Fund goes
bankrupt unless Congress acts.

Yeah, the Fund is
about to run out of money

and unlike most broke
trust fund recipients,

our highway system
can't just get a job
at its daddy's law firm.

"Oh, really, Declan?
What case are you working on?

"And does it contain


"I hate you, Declan."

The reason the fund
is nearly insolvent

is that it's primarily funded
by the federal gas tax,

and there's
just one hitch with that.

Woman: The Highway
Trust Fund gets revenue

from an 18.4¢
per gallon gas tax,

but the tax has not increased
to keep up with inflation
since 1993.

And the fact that
it hasn't increased
means that,

in real terms,
the gas tax has gone down


much like Koosh ball sales
or respect for Bill Cosby.

Audience: Oh...
I'd like to think
it was more than that,

but sadly,
I don't think it is, actually.

You would think
that Congress would fix
this shortfall,

but we haven't had
long-term transportation
legislation for over a decade.

In fact, since 2003,

it's barely passed
two partial authorizations

and 23 short-term extensions,

one of which, in July 2005,
was for just two days.

Two days!
That entire extension

lasted half a Sting orgasm.

That's not enough!

So, you might think,
"Why doesn't Washington

"just raise the gas tax
and fund the Fund?"

Well, because that
would be incredibly unpopular.

Listen to what happened
when C-Span had a call-in
and asked people

whether or not
the gas tax should be raised.

Man on phone:
I don't know that another
gas tax is gonna help us out.

Okay.

Man #2: No, they shouldn't
raise the gas tax.
Okay.

Woman: The last thing
we need is new taxes.

Okay.

Man #3: If gas prices

go back up,

we'll be stuck
with super high prices.

Okay.

Man #4: The government
has plenty of money.

Man #5: What I want
to say is... no.

Man #6: w*r on coal,
w*r on gasoline, w*r on diesel.

Man #7: I agree with all
of the other previous callers.

Uh... hello?
Okay.

[laughter]
Okay. Okay.

That call-in lasted
for nearly an hour,

and they did not receive
a single call in favor
of the gas tax.

You would think they'd
at least have been prank called

by Mikey & the Badger,

DC's #1 morning zoo crew.

"Hi. I 'd just like to say

"we should definitely
raise the gas tax."

[mimics fart]

"You've been badgered!"

[air horn blasts]

Man: B-B-B-B-B-Badgered!

[deep voice] Badgered!

[car horn honks]

In the face--

In the face of that kind
of overwhelming lack

of public support,
it is hardly surprising

that the White House is
not too keen on it either.

The administration has not
put forward and does not
plan to put forward

a proposal to increase
the gas tax.

Okay, so it seems raising
the gas tax is unlikely,

which is fine, as long as you
have another concrete way
to raise that money.

So, what is
the White House's plan?

This administration has
put forward an idea

by essentially
closing a loophole

that allows corporations
to benefit from stashing

some of their profits overseas.

Okay, raise funds
by closing corporate loopholes.

I think we all know
that is guaranteed to work.

The only obstacle would be--

and I know that
this is highly unlikely--

if there were another
corporate loophole

somewhere else
in the tax code.

Oh, and there is
one other obstacle.

When the president
floated this plan
by John Boehner a year ago,

he swatted it aside,

perhaps because
Boehner favors his own plan,

which he's been talking up
for the past two years.

I'm committed...
[coughs]

to working to find
a funding source,

so that we can begin to repair

America's aging infrastructure.

The hunt has been under way
for the last year and a half

to find a funding source.

I wish I could report to you
we found it, but we haven't.

We've got to find a way
to deal with America's

crumbling infrastructure,
and we need to do it
in a long-term program

that is, in fact, funded.

Two years, and nothing!

That's an oddly laid-back way

to tackle a potentially
catastrophic problem,

'cause if a giant lizard were
attacking our roads and bridges,

you wouldn't spend
two years saying,

"Yes, I am committed
to preventing marauding lizards
destroying our city,

"but we need to do it
in a long-term program

"that is, in fact, funded."

I refuse to believe

that after all this time,
Boehner does not have
some sort of plan.

We actually emailed his office
earlier this week and asked...

We didn't hear back,
so we emailed someone else
in the office.

Still nothing,
so we called the office.

Still nothing.
At this point we were
getting desperate,

so we sent
in this tweet, asking,

"Mr. Speaker,
how specifically

"will you raise revenue
for the US Highway Trust Fund?

"#HappyBirthdayJustinBieber,"

just to make sure
that he would see it...

for definite.
Then, still nothing.

Then we found out that
he's on Vine for some reason--

because apparently
he's 14 in 2013--

so we sent him this.

Mr. Speaker, how specifically
would you raise revenue for
the US Highway Trust Fund?

Is that six seconds?
it feels like it would be
a lot longer than--

Still nothing!
He still didn't
get back to us!

Look, the lack
of political urgency
in tackling this problem

is insane,
and you cannot tell me

that you are not
interested in this,

because every summer,
people flock to see

our infrastructure
threatened by t*rrorists
or aliens.

But we should care
just as much

when it's under threats
from the inevitable
passage of time.

The problem is, no one
has made a blockbuster movie

about the importance
of routine maintenance
and repair.

Or they hadn't...
until now.

Announcer:
In a world where
a few feet of concrete

can mean the difference
between life and death...
[dramatic music playing]

where everything you love
can be taken from you

in the blink of an eye,

a few brave souls

are willing
to risk everything

to make nothing happen.

[pen clicking]
[phone ringing]

Man on phone: Hello?
It's time.

Man: Excuse me?
For your bi-annual
bridge inspection.

I've got Thursday afternoon
or Friday any time before 3:00.

Announcer;
This summer, get ready for...

[clangs, whirs]

Announcer: Brace yourself
for 98 heart-pounding minutes

of incremental maintenance.

I'm not showing any cracking,

no delamination,
no spalls on
the concrete deck,

but you got mild corrosion
on the beams.

You're gonna have to
keep an eye on that.

Thank you, sir.

Don't get cocky.

Announcer:
"The New York Times"
calls "Infrastructure"

"Necessary" and "something
I never thought about,

"but... yeah. Sure."

Jesus! God, Bobby!
Behind you!

Seepage! This thing
is gonna blow!

[calmly]
...in 15 or 20 years,

which is why it's so important
that we caught it early.

Announcer:
In this line of work,

one mistake
could be catastrophic.

It's loose, boss.
The bolt is loose.

Well, then tighten it,
god damn it.

I don't know which way.

Okay, listen to me.
Listen to me. Listen to me.

Lefty loosey,
righty tighty.

[cheers, applause]

[grunts]
Talk to me. What's going on?

[sighs] It's good.

[chuckles]
Oh yes!

Announcer:
"Rolling Stone" says...

I came here to chew bubble gum
and inspect bridges.

Announcer:
You want to see terrible puns

about engineering you don't
fully understand?

Looks like somebody needs
to get their ducts in a row.

Announcer: You want
to see 20-minute monologues

on the structural integrity
of girders?

I'm ordering uniaxial tests
to the slab transverse
to the deck corrugations

with additional reinforcement
and tension tests

of the support fastener
connections between the deck
and the girders, bitch.

Announcer: You want more
thrilling routine maintenance
than you can handle?

They used PVC piping
when they should've
used CPVC pipping.

God help us.

Announcer:
You want to see
"Infrastructure."

Featuring an all-star cast,

plus two-time Academy Award
nominee Edward Norton--

sorry, three-time Academy Award
nominee Edward Norton,

and introducing as the chief,

Steve Buscemi.

I'm the best damn inspector
in the business,

and I'm here
to inspect this dam.

Announcer:
Coming summer, 2015...

[continues speaking]

[cheering, applause]

Sausage sandwich?

Of course.

♪

That's our show!

Thank you so much for watching!
Good night!

[theme music playing]