02x05 - Voting rights in the US territories

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[crowd cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome...

to "Last Week Tonight."

I'm John Oliver.

Just time for a quick
recap of the week,

and it was dominated here,
at home, by this;

Breaking news back here,
at home, tonight,

out of Ferguson, Missouri.

Okay, let's just all agree

that breaking news
out of Ferguson

has become one
of the most dread-inducing
combinations of words

in the English language,

alongside "Dr. Phil sex tape,"

and "vegan cupcakes."

Now, on Wednesday,

the Department of Justice
released two reports
on Ferguson.

They first announced that
no civil rights charges
would be filed

against Officer Darren Wilson
for the Michael Brown sh**ting,

but it was the second one
that had people talking.

The Department also
officially released

a scathing report that found
systemic racial bias

in the Ferguson
Police Department and courts.

Now, I don't think anyone was
truly surprised by the contents
of that report.

In fact, you needed to read
that report the same way

you needed to read
the reviews of "Mortdecai."

You knew the verdict
would be terrible,

it was just which
particular words
they chose to use.

Now, the report
didn't just show evidence

of disproportionate targeting
and v*olence against
African-Americans.

It also showed this.

Investigators say that they
found emails

on-- from court officials
and police department--
uh, police officers,

that were racial jokes
that referenced President Obama.

Woman: Another message,
in June 2011,

compared dogs
to African-Americans,

suggesting the animals needed
welfare because they were
mixed in color,

unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English,

and have no freaking clue
who their daddies are.

[crowd groaning]
It is moments like this

that make me glad
I'm on HBO,

where you can
hear me say this;

f*ck those f*cking assholes.

[crowd cheering]
That's--

This is what
swearing is for.

But the mayor of Ferguson

then immediately went
into damage-control mode,

inexplicably arguing that we
should not blow this
all out of proportion.

These actions taken
by these individuals

are in no way
representative

of the employees
of the city of Ferguson.

"In no way representative"?

Did you read the report?

They were
entirely representative.

That's the problem.

These emails were
apparently sent

from official City of Ferguson
email addresses

to supervisors in both
the Ferguson Police Department

and the court system

during work hours.

So they couldn't be
more representative
of Ferguson city employees

if their signature said,

"Sent from the very core
of who I am as a person."

I will say

that there is one thing
the mayor of Ferguson said
in his press conference

that did make sense.

Today's report allows
the city of Ferguson

to identify the problems
not only in our
police department,

but in the entire
St. Louis region.

Now, that is true,

because let's be clear,
this is not just Ferguson,

and if you need proof,
here is just one other example.

A year and a half ago,

an African-American
police officer in St. Louis

received this letter
at work.

Man:
It read in part, quote,

[reading text]

[reading text]

I'll tell you
what gets me about that;

ending a r*cist,
threatening letter
with, "respectfully."

It just goes to show
whatever systemic problems
that area may have,

Midwestern politeness
is unshakable.

I can only assume
that that officer responded,

[reading text]

So let's move on.

Let's move on
from Ferguson

to a slightly less
contentious spot on the globe,

Israel.

Their elections
are in two weeks' time,

and Prime Minister
Benjamin Netanyahu's
recent ad campaign

has proven controversial.

Man:
Islamic State fighters
on the road to Israel.

At least that's what
Prime Minister
Benjamin Netanyahu

is warning voters
in this campaign advertisement.

The message appears to be
that if the center-left defeats

Netanyahu's right-wing party
in the March 17th
parliamentary election,

ISIL will end up
taking over.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
if ISIL were going
to take over Israel,

they wouldn't be
politely waiting
until after the election.

Death to Israel...

pending all precincts
reporting.

Respect the process, guys.
Stand back.

Meanwhile, one of
Netanyahu's main opponents,

Isaac Herzog, has been running
an ad addressing a slightly
less urgent issue.

[speaking foreign language]

Yeah, Isaac Herzog is apparently
concerned that people
hate his voice.

And if you're thinking,

"Why? He seems to have
a perfectly pleasant baritone,"

well, it turns out,
for that ad

he dubbed "his own voice

"with that
of a booming announcer."

Which kind of makes
you wonder,

"How annoying is
this guy's actual voice

"if he's been
forced to do that?"

I mean, are we talking
Pee-Wee Herman mid-orgasm?

Uh, Ray Romano possessed
by the ghost of a duck?

Russell Crowe's
normal signing voice?

What-- what level of irritation
to the human ear is it?

I have to hear this
horrific real voice in action.

There is also a growing
disappointment and mistrust

about Netanyahu's
security policy.

That voice is fine.

That's a normal,
human, male voice.

I have to say,
it's not a great sign
of strong leadership

that the moment someone
criticizes your voice,

you panic and go hire
a stunt larynx.

But the single greatest
campaign ad

from the Israeli election so far

is from the Yesh Atid party,

which consists of,
and this is true,

a three-hour long single shot

of a man summarizing
his party's achievements

while someone paints
a mural behind him.

And it is pretty bold
to make a video that
literally allows people

to compare you to the experience
of watching paint dry.

In fact, the single most
exciting thing that happens

in that three-hour video
is this;

[speaking foreign language]

[piano playing]

[speaking foreign language]

Now, now, give him credit.
He did nail that.

He was two hours
and 15 minutes in.

If he'd given himself
the hiccups,

they would have had
to start over from the start.

But finally tonight;
Fanta--

the button
on a vending machine

most likely to be covered
by a piece of masking tape

crudely labeled
"root beer."

Fanta was actually
in the news this week

for some spectacular reasons.

Coca-Cola has pulled its latest
ad for Fanta in Germany

over an unintended reference
to n*zi Germany.

Okay, okay.

If you work in advertising,

before you hit the button
on any campaign,

someone has to say,

"Just to be clear,

"we all checked this thing
for n*zi references, right?

"We do not want another
Michael Jordan with
a Hitler mustache issue, okay?

"We don't want that
to happen again."

Apparently, Coca-Cola
made the mistake

of deciding to celebrate
Fanta's 75th anniversary

by reminding people
of how it was invented.

Man: In the video,
Coca-Cola explains how
its German plant

was having difficulty getting
the syrup needed to make Coke
in the '40s,

so bottlers were forced
to make their own sodas,
including Fanta.

The problem?
The reason the plants had
a hard time getting the syrup

was of World w*r II
and trade embargoes
against n*zi Germany.

Yes.

Fanta was invented
in n*zi Germany,

and if you didn't
know that before,

I'm willing to bet it's
the only thing

you're going to associate
Fanta with from now on.

Look, it's a pretty good rule

that any companies with
historic ties to the Nazis

should generally avoid
nostalgia.

There's a reason that Volkswagen
emphasizes things like

the Passat winning
Car of the Year

rather than, say, the honors
it won back in the 1940s.

Herbie, how could you?

You've truly gone bananas!

I will say this, Fanta,

good luck trying to get people
to forget your connection
to n*zi Germany again,

because I do not think
it can be done.

Man:
We at Fanta are well aware

we've had some messaging
problems recently.

So we just want to remind you
what Fanta is really all about.

It's the cool, crisp,
carbonated drink

that marches across
your taste buds like--

Oh, wait, hold on.
Not marches--

fizzes across
your taste buds.

If you're on the beach
on a hot summer day,

think of Fanta
as a corridor to the sea.

Wait, no.
Not that.

Just focus on the great taste
of Fanta.

It'll annex your thirst.

Not annex-- quench.
Is quench okay?

Yeah, yeah.
Quench is fine.

We just want to make sure
when you think about Fanta,

you don't automatically
think about Nazis.

Fanta. Nazis.
Shit!

Moving on.
[crowd cheering]

Our main story tonight...

Our main story tonight
concerns voting.

Yesterday marked the 50th
anniversary of the first
Selma march,

one of the pivotal moments

which led
to the Voting Rights Act.

But voting rights
in this country,

much like John Travolta's hair,

are still very much
a work in progress.

There are the obvious obstacles
for many Americans,

such as increasingly restrictive
voter ID laws,

but there's also
the less obvious ones,

as Congress was reminded
just this week.

As we commemorate
the 50th anniversary of
the march on Selma this week,

and the subsequent passage
of the Voting Rights Act,

I want to once again
call to the attention

of my colleagues here
in Congress

that there are still
American citizens today

who do not have
equal voting rights.

These are citizens of
America's island territories,

the US Virgin Islands,
Puerto Rico,

Guam,
and the Northern Marianas.

Yes, American citizens

living in US island territories
do not get to vote
for president.

And that's the kind of
unsettling fact that deep down
you probably knew,

but chose
not to think about.

Like, the fact that the dog
from "Full House" is
definitely dead by now.

That kind of thing.
[audience groans]

But-- but more than--
You're proving my point.

More than four million people

live in the US territories.

More than 98% of them
are racial or ethnic minorities.

And the more you look
into the history

of why their voting rights
are restricted,

the harder it is
to justify,

'cause it goes
all the way back

to when America
first acquired them.

Woman: The United States flag
is flying over these lands,

and so some people said,
"Well, doesn't that mean
American laws apply?"

In 1901, the Insular Cases--

basically, the judgment
of the Supreme Court was
that the new territories

were inhabited by, quote,
"alien races,"

and they may not be able
to understand Anglo-Saxon laws.

Therefore, the Constitution
doesn't have to apply.

Wow.

Alien races can't understand
Anglo-Saxon principles.

I find that condescending,
and I'm British.

We basically invented
patronizing bigotry.

I do so wish we could explain
the concept of voting to them,

but, deary me, their savage,
little coconut brains would
probably just collapse.

I'm assuming it's
coconut milk in there.
We'll soon see.

Whacky stick!

Look, the point is...

if that does not set off
some alarm bells for you,

the man who wrote
the lead decision

in the first
of those rulings was

Justice Henry Billings Brown,

who, fun fact,

also wrote the famous
"separate but equal" decision

in "Plessy v. Ferguson."

And even he suggested these
exceptions to the Constitution
should only stand

"for a time," as in
a temporary arrangement.

But it's been 114 years.

It's like for over a century,
America's computer
has been saying,

"An Update to Your
Country is Available,"

and we've been clicking
"Remind Me Later"
again and again and again.

So, tonight,

let's look at voting rights
in the territories.

We'll begin in Puerto Rico,

whose citizens
are Americans,

a fact that comes as a surprise
to a shocking number of people,

as we learned when
Sonia Sotomayor was named
to the Supreme Court.

Sotomayor, a Bronx native,

is the daughter
of Puerto Rican immigrants.

Woman: She was
a first-generation American,

the daughter
of Puerto Rican immigrants.

The daughter
of Puerto Rican immigrants.

She is the daughter
of Puerto Rican immigrants.

She's the daughter
of Puerto Rican immigrants.

No, she isn't.

She's the daughter
of Americans

who moved
from Puerto Rico.

[audience clapping]
If Puerto Ricans
are immigrants,

anyone who moves anywhere
is an immigrant.

Hey, bro, could you help me
immigrate apartments
on Saturday?

I need to immigrate a couch
up two flights of stairs.

Puerto Rico has more
American citizens than


but less voting rights
than any of them.

And whether or not
they choose to become a state,

it's a little weird that while
they're making that decision,

they have a delegate in Congress
who can't do much.

My constituents cherish
their US citizenship

and have made countless
contributions to this country.

Yet they cannot vote
for president,

have no US Senators,

and send one delegate
to the House,

who has a voice,
but no vote in this chamber.

It's pretty infantilizing,
when discussing
national legislation,

to give Puerto Rico
the same status

as a six-year-old voting
on where the family should
get to go on vacation.

Oh, what's that, Timmy?

Narnia? Okay.
Colonial Williamsburg
it is, then.

And the-- You were heard, Timmy.
You were heard.

And the same voting rights
restrictions apply
to the residents of Guam,

the Pacific territory that,
unequivocally, sounds the most
like a "Batman" punch.

♪

There is-- There is nothing
not to love about Guam.

It is a beautiful island
in a strategically important
location for the US military.

So much so, their bases
currently occupy

over a quarter of Guam's land,

and yet the residents of Guam

have absolutely no say
in general elections
for their commander in chief,

which is even harder to swallow
when you consider this.

Woman: According to Guam's
Office of Veteran's Affairs,

at least one in eight
adult Guamanians is a veteran,

among the highest percentages
of all US states
and territories.

Guam gives
a quarter of its land

and as much as
an eighth of its people
to the US military.

At this point,
the American flag

should really just be
a guy from Guam waving
an American flag.

And yet, due in part
to their lack
of full voting rights,

those veterans are
shamefully underserved.

Woman: In 2012, Guam ranked
dead last

in per-capita spending
on medical care

by the US Department
of Veterans Affairs, or the VA.

It's called the PTSD
Program Locator.

So it tells me here
to enter my address.

Five options here,

but the closest one so far
looks like Hawaii.

It's, uh, 3,803 miles...

.22 miles.

That is disgusting.

The only person who should
have to travel 3,800 miles
for treatment

should be
a Beverly Hills housewife

flying to Colombia
for unapproved lip injections
derived from cobra venom.

But the amazing thing is,

just because Guam residents
aren't allowed to vote
for president,

doesn't mean
that they don't.

Guam holds a straw poll
every presidential election,

and their registered voter
turnout is actually higher

than that of the rest
of America.

And to misquote the words
of the great philosopher
Lil Jon,

turn out for what?

♪

That's a great song.

But-- but just--
Just imagine...

how it must feel

to have the desire to vote,

but know deep down
you're going to be ignored.

Actually, you don't
have to imagine it,

'cause let this
Guam voter tell you.

It's... terrible.

I mean, I believe
it's not fair, you know.

We're all citizens
of the United States.

I wish somebody change that.

Okay, that sounds sad,

but at least on Election Day
that woman gets to wear
the incredibly special,

"I voted and wish it had
actually counted" sticker.

But, amazingly,
Guam still gets

more respect
from the US Government

than American Samoa,

as was proven
a little while back
when a US Member of Congress

was tasked with introducing
their delegate,
Eni Faleomavaega.

The chair recognizes
the gentleman

from American Samolia,

Mr. Fan--

Falomabenga.

Samolia?

Listen, I get his name
is a little difficult,

but you cannot mispronounce
American Samoa.

There's a f*cking
Girl Scout Cookie
named after it.

Think about it this way.
Would you forget the name

of the state of
Thinmintissippi?

No!
That would be ridiculous.

But watch how gracious
American Samolia's delegate was

in his response.

Thank you, Mr. Speaker.
It's American Samoa.

That is class
that I do not have,

because if I were him,
I'd responded,

"Thank you,
it is a privilege to be here

"in Waffleton D.P.,
in the great United Sporks
of Amoogaboink."

American Samoans
not only lack voting rights,

they lack a little something
extra, too.

The US Constitution
grants citizenship
to everyone

born on US soil,
except in one jurisdiction.

American Samoa,
in the South Pacific.

It is a US territory,

but people who are born there
do not automatically get
US citizenship.

They don't even get
a*t*matic citizenship,

meaning the "American" part
of American Samoa

is really just a title
that doesn't mean anything,

like,
People's Choice Award nominee
or social media expert.

Just devoid of meaning.

And that fact
is especially shocking

when you learn that
American Samoa,

a territory that cannot
vote for a president
who could send it to w*r,

is also home to the top
Army recruiting station
in the country.

So, now, I'm thinking
the American flag should be

a guy from American Samoa
waving a flag with a guy
from Guam on it

waving the American flag.

And because of their status
as non-citizens,

many veterans have
to carry around
a humiliating reminder

that they are not equal
in the eyes of the law.

So this, here, is my, uh,
US National passport.

The very last page
of the passport

makes it uniquely
a US National passport.

It makes me look
like I'm an outsider.

I think it's...

It demeans me
as a person, I think.

That's right.
They're not citizens,
but nationals,

which means they can't
run for president,

serve on a federal jury,

or, depending on where
they live, even become
a public school teacher.

So they're kind of like
off-brand citizens.

They're Americans
in the same way that these
are Froot Loops,

or this is Dr Pepper.

You can pretend
it's the same thing.

Everyone knows it's worse.

Five American Samoans are
actually suing the government
to change this rule,

but the Obama Administration
has fought them

by citing the Insular Cases
from earlier,

which suggest
that American Samoans,

like all residents
of the territories,

can be given fewer rights,
because they belong to,

[reading text]

And that's a tricky
argument to win

in the face of this kind
of evidence.

Where are you from?

I'm originally from
American Samoa, but...
[cheering]

And what do you do
for a living?

I'm a soldier
in the US Army.

I joined straight out
of high school, and it was
something to serve my country

and to give back.

[cheering]
I'm active service.
We just got back from deployment

to Afghanistan
for nine months.

♪ Not really sure
how to feel about it ♪

♪ Something in the way
you move ♪

♪ Makes me feel like
I can't live without you ♪

♪ And it takes me
all the way ♪

♪ I said I want you
to stay ♪

[vocalizing]

[cheering]

♪ I want you to stay

[vocalizing]
[applause]

Just to be clear,

that is an Afghanistan
w*r veteran moving
an audience to cheers,

and at least one judge
to a partial orgasm,

with a rendition
of a Rihanna song

on a show called
"America's Got Talent."

If that's not an American,

I don't think one
has ever existed.

And look-- look--
[cheering, applause]

There are-- there are a lot
of complicated issues

surrounding what the precise
status of all the US territories
should be,

and what the people
who live there would prefer.

But, surely, when it comes
to denying Americans
the right to vote,

we have to find
a better reason

than citing an 100-year-old
legal decision

written by a r*cist that was
always supposed to be temporary.

And I'm not saying this will be
an easy thing to do,

I'm just saying we've
figured out a lot more
complicated things

in the last 114 years.

Think about it.
We invented television.

We eliminated the measles,

and then,
for some f*cking reason,

brought them back again.

We've held 30 Wrestlemanias,

and those things
are logistical nightmares.

And you know what else
we figured out?

How to f*cking fly.

And if we can work out
how to climb inside
metal birds,

slip the bonds of this earth
and soar through the air

to visit these territories,

we should be able to work out
how to ensure the four million
people who live there

get adequately heard.

And now, this.

Announcer: And now,
"Last Week Tonight" asks...

[reads text]

This week;
Daylight Saving Time.

How is this still a thing?

[alarm beeps]
If you're like most Americans,

you've been groggy all day
after losing an hour of sleep
to daylight saving.

And as you struggle to remember
how to change the clock
on your f*cking microwave,

you may have wondered,

"Why is this happening?"

[rooster crows]
For years,

conventional wisdom
has been that it benefits
one particular group.

I know it started
because of farmers.
I'm almost sure of that.

[buzzing]
But that's not actually true.

It gives them extra time
to plant, extra time to harvest.

[buzzing]
It has nothing to do
with farmers.

I remember, years ago, hearing
that it was for the farm people.

[buzzing]
The farm people want
nothing to do with this,

as they themselves
will tell you.

I know of, really, no farmer,
that I'm aware of,

that benefits from-- from--
you know,
actually farm activities,

having daylight-savings time.

Of course daylight saving
doesn't benefit farmers.

Cows don't care
what time it is,

because they're cows,

and cows are idiots.

[mooing]
So if it's not for them,

who is it for?

The modern daylight saving
was introduced during
the first World w*r

as a fuel-saving measure
by the Germans.

That's right, you lost
an hour of sleep this morning

thanks to Kaiser Wilhelm.

And while back then,
daylight saving may
indeed have saved fuel,

in the modern era,
energy consumption is
a little more complicated.

In fact, when Indiana adopted
daylight saving in 2006,

guess what happened?

Man:
The data shows
that daylight saving

actually led to a 1%
overall rise

in residential electricity.

Announcer:
Of course it did.

Because switching on a lamp
an hour later in the summer

doesn't really matter
when you're blasting
an air conditioner

and staying up all night
psychotically scrolling
through Instagrams

of your ex's honeymoon
to Morocco.

But that's not to say
daylight saving doesn't have
any effects at all.

Studies show there is
an increase of car accidents

and work-related injuries

the week after
the time change.

That's right,
what you lose in sleep

you gain in mortal danger.

Despite all this,


still observe daylight saving.

And yet, by going by
local news reports,

none of them can
tell you why.

From Australia...

Well, daylight saving is
almost over for another year,

and with it comes
the usual debate

over its merits,
or lack thereof.

To Italy...

[speaking Italian]
Man: It's a pain in the ass,
basically.

To even the Germans,

the people who started
this whole mess.

[speaking German]
The time change for many people
is ridiculous.

Whether it's an hour ahead
or later is complete nonsense.

Complete nonsense,

and that's coming
from a country

that thinks this is a word,

and that this is dancing.

[polka playing]

So if it doesn't
benefit our energy bill,

our health, or our
stupid, stupid cows,

[mooing]
it has to make you wonder...

daylight-saving time,

how is this still a thing?

And, finally, tonight...

a quick update
on the tobacco industry.

A few weeks ago,
we looked at their efforts
to bully countries

out of adopting
plain-packaging laws.

Well, this week,
to their credit,

another country
was brave enough to try.

Ireland, today, became
the first country in the EU,

and only the second
in the world, to introduce

plain packaging
for tobacco products.

Good for you, Ireland.

That is remarkable,
and all the more so because
in the run-up to that

tobacco companies sent
threatening letters
to the Irish Government,

with an affiliate
of Philip Morris International
claiming the laws

infringe its trademark,
saying, and I quote--

[reading text]

And you know you have
a pretty weak legal argument

if it sounds like
a rejected f*cking Jewel lyric.

Now-- Now, you may recall

when we talked about this,
we struck upon a compromise,

suggesting that Marlboro should
be allowed to put branding
on its packaging,

so long as that branding
was their new mascot,

Jeff the Diseased Lung
in a cowboy hat.

We even took out an ad
at a bus stop in Uruguay

and shipped a box
of Jeff t-shirts to Togo.

We encouraged the rest
of the world to spread the word
about Jeff,

using the hashtag--

[reading text]

And, to our absolute joy,
Jeff you did.

Jeff you did very much.

But it didn't stop there,

because, and we had nothing
to do with the rest of this,

there are now shockingly good
animated videos of Jeff
on YouTube.

As well as this bus stop ad
in Germany,

featuring text which
roughly translates as,

"break the tobacco industry,"

which is fantastic,
but quick note.

If you're gonna reference
Kim Kardashian's

"break the Internet"
photo sh**t,

you should really make
Jeff look like this.

So that's just--
They were both good,

it's just, if you're--
The point is--

The point is, it actually gets
one step better,

'cause, incredibly, someone
made an elaborate, full
Jeff costume,

and sent us a video
from Mexico City

of him dancing around
on stage at a rally.

Gracias , Mexico.

Muy bueno.

You should all feel free
to continue

whatever Jeff-based madness
you see fit,

but by way of thanks,
we wanted to give
something back to you.

In the words
of the great poet
Philip Morris International,

"A dance is only meaningful
if it is danced."

So, please, now welcome,

Jeff and the Diseased Lung
Line Dancers

to perform the soon-to-be
international dance craze,

the Jeff!

[crowd cheering]
[country music playing]

[coughing]

[coughing intensifies]

Okay. Okay.
Okay.

That's--
that's our show, everybody!

Good night!

Thank you so much
for joining us.

We'll see you again
next week.

Jeff, are you okay?

Are you okay, Jeff?
Good-bye!

[coughing violently]

[hacking]

♪

[wheezing]

[labored breathing]

♪