[theme music playing]
[applause]
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!
I am John Oliver.
Thank you so much
for being with us.
Just time for a quick recap
of the week.
And we begin
with Vladimir Putin,
the man most likely
to be currently staring
at a poster of a wolf
while doing hammer curls.
On Thursday,
Putin addressed his people
in what has become something
of an annual tradition.
Reporter:
Russian president
Vladimir Putin
is holding his 13th annual
question and answer marathon.
They're already
a couple hours into this.
He invites members
of the general public
to ask questions
live on TV.
And...
who would
not feel comfortable
asking a question
to that friendly face?
It is true--
Putin did Q and A
for four solid hours,
preempting hit Russian
television shows
such as Bear versus Tiger,
Who Is Most Strong?
and their famous sitcom,
How Dare You Claim
To Know My Suffering?
He took questions about
Ukraine and the economy,
but to honest,
a free and open dialogue
was never really
the point of this.
Reporter: It's very
well choreographed.
I mean, those questions
are selected to highlight
Putin the statesman,
Putin with
his wry sense of humor.
Of course.
This was really a showcase
for Putin's world-famous
sense of humor.
And he actually
got a chance to use it
during one
of the stranger questions.
[speaking Russian]
Translator: Sir, would you
like to clone yourself?
We have so many officials.
No, next one.
That's it.
Just no.
Classic Putin.
You get the sense
that he would be the worst
improv partner ever.
"Hey, Vlad, we're here
at the bakery."
"No! We are at steel mill
that proves the might
of Russian industry,
and I am me and you are Oprah.
And scene! Scene."
But the best moment
was when a woman asked Putin--
and this is true--
if he would tell
her friend's husband Boris
to let her get a dog,
a total softball to set him up
for a humanizing moment.
All he needed to do
was say yes
and not get
all weird about it.
Translator:
You and me could
ask Boris together,
just request him
in a friendly way
to, uh, allow Yelena.
But Yelena might say,
"Okay, I don't need a dog.
I'll do as you say,
my dear husband."
I'm sure after that,
he'll present her
an elephant as a gift.
I mean, it's just the issue
of the right time
and the right place.
And maybe a fur coat.
I'm not sure
about a fur coat,
but maybe a dog.
So we'll just ask
the person Boris, please.
What the f*ck was that?
To answer whether someone
should get a pet dog,
he mentioned
marital submission,
brought up the possibility
of a pet elephant,
suggested the skin of
a dead animal as
a potential dog substitute,
before finally just deferring
to Boris anyway.
That is a fascinating window
into his thought process,
and it also suggests
Crimea might be about to
get a pet elephant.
But let's move on
to Oklahoma,
where this week,
there was some distressingly
familiar news.
A volunteer
Tulsa county deputy
is now facing
a manslaughter charge
in the fatal sh**ting
of a black suspect
during an undercover
g*n operation.
Prosecutors say 73-year-old
Robert Bates
was negligent
for sh**ting Eric Harris
with a handgun
instead of a Taser.
Okay. There is a lot
to unpack there.
How do you mistake
a handgun for a Taser?
And what
is a 73-year-old volunteer
doing taking part
in an undercover
sting operation?
We actually got
a possible answer to
the second question,
and it was not good.
Reporter:
Many wonder if Bates'
close relationship
with the sheriff
led to this assignment.
Over the years,
Robert Bates has donated
several vehicles,
including a Dodge Charger,
a Crown Victoria,
and a Toyota Avalon.
Okay.
Giving away cars
should not qualify you
for law enforcement.
At best, it qualifies you
to host The Price is Right.
At best, at best.
Look, this is clearly
a tragic story
and it was not made any
better when for some reason,
Bates decided
to apologize in the most
uncomfortable way possible.
First and foremost,
let me apologize
to the family of Eric Harris.
You know, this is
the second-worst thing
that's ever happened to me,
or first-- ever happened
to me in my life.
I've had cancer,
a number of years ago.
I didn't think
I was going to get there.
Luckily, I was able
to go to a hospital
where I had hours
of surgery.
I rate this as #1--
Reporter: Mister--
--on my list of things
in my life that I regret.
Mr. Bates?
Okay. Okay, so it
was either the worst
or second-worst thing
after that time
you got cancer,
but then got better.
Now let's be clear,
the only thing you're
a victim of here
is a creepy six-hand massage.
And-- and Bates is not
the only one at fault.
This is also on
the Tulsa County
Sheriff's office
for letting
a 73-year-old man
act as back-up
on a firearms sting.
Because there are many things
that we should allow
without putting up a fight,
like use the phrase,
"the Hispanics,"
or get into fights
over Cribbage matches,
or sign their name at the end
of Facebook comments.
But I think
we can all agree,
when it comes
to law enforcement,
to paraphrase Danny Glover,
a 73-year-old man
is literally
too old for this shit.
And finally,
finally this week,
I'd like to talk
about Earth Day.
Don't worry,
you didn't miss it.
It's next Wednesday.
So-- so you still
have a chance
to think about the problems
facing the planet
and brace yourself for
inane TV segments like this.
What are we doing here?
So we're having
an Earth Day birthday party.
And so what we're going
to do here is you take
your old cereal boxes
and make these
lovely little hats.
It's kinda cute!
It's just-- it's adorable.
Come on.
Come on,
making craft projects
out of garbage
is not how
you save the environment.
It's what you do
on a first date with
Zooey Deschanel.
That's it.
But let's-- but let's--
let's give them credit.
They're trying
to get people to engage
in environmental issues,
which is
increasingly difficult.
We've become
immune to shock.
Just look
at that classic image
of a polar bear balancing
on a block of ice.
That used to horrify people.
But now it's lost its power.
It's like looking at
pornography from the 1840s.
I don't care how much shin
that woman is showing.
I just feel nothing.
And look, if anything,
things have got worse
for polar bears.
Earlier this year,
a study showed that
environmental toxins
could potentially
cause them to be at risk
of increased risk
of species extinction
"as a result of weak
penile bones
and risk of fractures."
To put that
in layman's terms,
pollution could cause
polar bears
to break their dicks.
And-- and I know
what you're thinking.
"John, John, wait.
John, polar bears
don't have d*ck bones."
Well, it turns out
you're wrong.
Because let me introduce you
to the wonderful world
of polar-bear lovemaking.
Narrator:
It's the male's
thrusting penis
which causes her
to release an egg.
But it could take
up to two weeks.
To help her conceive,
he's got a trick
up his sleeve--
a bone right in the middle
of his penis.
It's called a baculum,
and it doesn't just help
to stimulate ovulation.
It keeps him hard.
Yeah! Yeah.
Now-- now you understand
why those Coca-Cola bears
have to hold bottles
in front of them.
They have raging erections
all the time.
Always.
Now look,
clearly this story
is upsetting,
but it's also an opportunity.
Because for at least half
the population,
having your d*ck bone
snap in half
is viscerally upsetting.
So I would suggest
that we retire the polar bear
on the chunk of ice
as the face
of global pollution
and replace it
with this image
of a polar bear clutching
its shattered penis.
Because that will get
people's attention.
And don't just take it
from me.
Take it from the new face
of Earth Day,
my friend and yours,
Marshmallow, the polar bear
with a broken penis.
Marshmallow, are you sad?
[groaning]
You're sad, Marshmallow?
Is it-- is it because
your chemically-weakened
penis bone snapped in half?
[grunts]
That's why you're sad?
What specific action
do you think
the international community
should commit to
to prevent this
from happening,
Marshmallow?
[grunts, groans]
You don't know?
[whimpering]
Are you struggling to think
of a plan
because of how much
your penis hurts?
[moans]
That makes sense.
So come on, everyone!
This Earth Day,
I want you all
to think of Marshmallow's
devastated penis.
[groans]
Because while it may not
be salvageable,
others still could be.
So clap your hands, everyone.
Clap your hands
if you want hard
polar-bear penises.
We can do this!
Happy Earth Day, everyone!
And now this!
You're okay, you're okay.
Announcer:
And now, the most patient man
on television
endures the American public.
Man on phone:
I don't know what's going on
in this world right now.
Obama's a Muslim,
and that's all I got to say.
Obama's not a Muslim.
But thank you
for making your comment.
Man #2 on phone:
I watch all three
of your channels, C-SPAN,
C-SPAN 1 and C-SPAN 2--
C-SPAN 3, I'm sorry.
Sure.
And it's heavily Republican.
Okay.
Man #3 on phone:
Uh, I thought this
was a free country.
Woman on phone:
We've excluded God
from everything
and look at
what's happening to us.
Woman #2 on phone:
We should probably send in
special forces,
similar to Rambo.
I don't know enough
about the military.
Man #4 on phone:
Just scare 'em off,
tell 'em off--
"I'll blow your head off."
And that's it, it's done.
Okay.
Woman #3 on phone:
Having our government
do absolutely nothing,
it's treason.
Okay.
Man #5:
That's what brings us
to Idiocracy.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Man #6:
[unintelligible speaking]
...why the white girls
are ready to trust us.
Thank you.
Okay.
Moving on,
our main story tonight
concerns patents.
They're basically
legally-binding dibs,
and they're important.
If you invent something
in America
and you get it
approved by the Patent
and Trademark Office,
the rights to that idea
then belong to you.
They're absolutely essential
to business,
as you would know
if you've ever seen
an episode of Shark t*nk.
Why aren't you telling me
about something proprietary
or a patent or
a technology or software
no one can emulate?
I hope you do
get your patent,
and I wish you good luck.
Without having it,
I feel that you're going
to really have a struggle.
Don't have a patent,
don't have a finished sample,
don't have experience.
Unless you have a patent
or some proprietary technology,
you're going to be in trouble.
I'm out.
I'm out.
I'm out.
Exactly. Arriving on the set
of Shark t*nk
without a patent
is like turning up to
America's Next Top Model
without knowing
how to "smize"
or "booty tooch."
"You take
that shit to catalog.
You're not editorial.
You're not editorial."
I don't know
what that means,
but the point is,
if you don't have a patent,
you don't have a prayer
on Shark t*nk,
unless you've got
a once-in-a-lifetime
investment opportunity
like this guy.
[bopping music playing]
[laughs]
Man:
♪ You go to my site,
you describe a cat ♪
♪ I draw it, I mail it,
it's as easy as that ♪
♪ I'd invest if I were you
♪ And I want to draw
a cat for you. ♪
By the way,
his business got funded,
presumably because he holds
the patent
on whatever
the f*ck he's doing
with his shoulders.
The problem is,
the patent system
has increasingly been prone
to abuse.
For instance, a few years ago,
a man named Austin Meyer
made a popular
flight-simulator app
and then one day received
a frightening letter.
It said that a company
called Uniloc
was filing suit against me.
Reporter:
The company is suing Meyer
for patent infringement.
According to the lawsuit,
Uniloc says it owns the idea
of a computer program
checking a central server
for authorization.
It is the technology
upon which
all Android apps are based.
All Android apps?
That I know of.
Every one I know of.
It's true.
This company, Uniloc,
is essentially claiming
it's entitled to a piece
of every Android app.
That technically means
they could show up
at the headquarters of Tinder
and demand a cut of everything
Tinder has created,
which I assume would be
a pile of STDs,
sad orgasms, and shards
of human self-esteem.
That's--
that's the business model.
But this-- this situation
has become so common,
there's even a name
for companies that do this.
Reporter: So-called
patent trolls typically
don't invent anything
or sell anything.
They simply buy patents
and make their money
by threatening lawsuits.
Yeah, most of these companies
don't produce anything.
They just shake down
anyone who does.
So calling them trolls
is a little misleading.
At least trolls
actually do something.
They control bridge access
for goats
and ask people fun riddles.
Patent trolls just thr*aten
to sue the living shit
out of people.
And believe me,
those lawsuits add up.
Reporter: In fact,
of the 4,700 patent
lawsuits filed in 2012,
so-called patent trolls.
Reporter:
The White House claims
during the last two years,
the number of lawsuits
brought by patent trolls
has nearly tripled.
Male reporter:
Research shows this type
of litigation
has cost investors
an estimated half a trillion
dollars since 1990.
Half a trillion.
Let me put that in context.
To lose other people
that amount of money,
Johnny Depp would have had
to star in The Lone Ranger
over 100 times a year
for 25 years.
That's a horrifying amount.
Horrifying!
And patent trolls
target everyone,
from big businesses
like Apple and Samsung
to tiny ones.
In fact, you don't even need
to make something
to be targeted,
you just need
to use something.
The business in Old Lyme
couldn't believe it
when someone
threatened to sue them
for using
their own copy machine.
We provide employment
services for people
with barriers to employment,
mostly people
with disabilities.
Reporter:
FolNer, LLC,
threatened to file
unless Hurley forked over
$1,000
for each employee who uses
the scan-to-email function
on this copier.
FolNer says it's entitled
to this licensing money
because it owns the patents
for that process.
Wow.
When you are threatening
to sue a company
which helps people
with disabilities find work
for using
their own photocopier,
you're not just
on the road to hell,
you have your own
parking spot right next
to the f*cking devil.
So-- so how exactly
did we get ourselves
into this mess?
Well, in part, it has to do
with the types of patents
that have been issued.
The patent office is supposed
to certify inventions
that are "new, useful,
and non-obvious."
Incidentally,
all the adjectives
that Tom Cruise would say
he's seeking
in an ideal mate.
But-- but during periods
of big technological change,
they can get overwhelmed
and certify patents
that they shouldn't.
This happened
in the 19th century
with railroads,
and then again
more recently with
the development of software.
Narrator:
In the last decade,
the number of software patents
has skyrocketed.
The issue here,
say experts,
is that while patents
from machines tend to be
fairly specific,
software patents
can be so broad and vague,
that they may give someone
the ability
to later claim ownership
for inventions
they never dreamed of
at the time.
And that is the seed
of our current problems.
Because if a troll can get
a vaguely-defined
software patent,
they can demand payment
for anything
that fits that description.
Basically, if they thought
to patent,
"computer thing
that never works" years ago,
they'd currently be
getting rich off of FaceTime.
Very, very rich.
Patent trolls
have this process down
to such a science,
for a start,
they have figured out a way
to almost never go to trial.
One study found that
almost 90% of cases
are settled
for a very practical reason.
It's an extortion game.
Because it costs
between and $2 and $5 million
to defend a patent suit.
So the patent troll says,
"We'll settle for $100,000."
Reporter:
Many decide to
pay out settlements
because it's cheaper
than fighting the lawsuits.
So they work out
the maximum amount of money
you'd be willing to pay
rather than go to court,
and negotiate for that.
They pick a number
the same way airlines
pick a cabin temperature--
perfectly calibrated
to make you miserable,
but not so much
that you'd actually
do anything about it.
And the most
frustrating thing is,
sometimes it's hard to know
who's behind all of this.
They often
have vague company names
like IP Nav, Empire IP,
or Pragmatus.
And incidentally,
Pragmatus sounds like
the most boring
mythological Greek hero
of all time.
"I am Pragmatus, and I shall
not battle the Hydra
"for it is much larger
than me.
"So I shall go home
via the farmer's market,
"for the bruised vegetables
are cheaper at the end
of the day.
Pragmatus bids you
farewell."
Patent trolls--
patent trolls
have even managed to find
the friendliest place
to file their lawsuits.
Reporter:
Almost a quarter of
last year's US patent cases
were filed in
this Eastern Texas
federal court district.
Marshall, Texas.
Population-- 24,000.
A quarter of all patent cases
are filed in Marshall, Texas.
And believe me,
it is not because
people there
are inventing like a meth head
in a Home Depot aisle.
[inhaling]
"Oh, I combined a wheel
with a nail.
"It's a nail wheel!
New invention! Patent!
"Uh, here's four feet
of PVC piping
"I can use for a big straw.
Patent!
Holy shit, I'm a genius!
Give me more meth!"
Patent trolls
have figured out
that for whatever reason,
East Texas judges and juries
are sympathetic
to plaintiffs.
And it has been
so effective,
that big companies are having
to go to absurd lengths
to pander to the people
of Marshall, Texas.
Tech companies know the value
of a good PR campaign
here in Marshall,
where almost anyone could be
on your next jury.
A city official tells us
that Samsung,
sued here multiple times,
has spent almost $1 million
on community projects
like this ice-skating rink
right in front
of the courthouse.
Samsung was so frightened
of patent lawsuits,
they felt forced to build
an outdoor ice rink in Texas.
Do you know how hard
that is to maintain?
It's like building
a bowling alley in space.
This situation is insane.
Now the good news is,
there is cross-party support
in Washington for fixing
this problem.
In fact, a bipartisan bill
was introduced two years ago
called the "Innovation Act,"
with some decent ideas,
such as encouraging judges
to make patent trolls
pay court costs if they lose,
and forcing patent trolls
to be more transparent
about their identities.
And I'm not saying
that bill was perfect,
but it would have helped.
It's like when
parents of teenagers
lock the liquor cabinet.
"Look, I know this isn't
going to stop you, Rhapsody,
"but it will make it
just a little harder
for you to f*ck up
the entire neighborhood."
Unfortunately, while the bill
passed the House
by an overwhelming majority,
it never even made it
to a vote in the Senate.
I wonder,
why would that be?
What do you make
of this bill getting k*lled?
Well, I know this is news,
but trial lawyers' influence
in Washington
is alive and well.
Yes, apparently,
lobbyists for groups
including trial lawyers
managed to prevent the bill
from moving forward.
And you cannot
let trial lawyers
decide whether
there should be
more baseless lawsuits.
That's the equivalent
of trusting raccoons
to make laws
about garbage-can placement.
"No, they should be
easy to reach
"and left slightly open.
"All in favor,
say, 'Heeeehhh! Heeeehhh!
"Heeeehhhh! Heeehhhh!
Heeehh!'"
That's a good impression,
as far as you know.
Luckily, there is actually
a glimmer of hope here,
because that bill
is making the rounds again.
And look,
even if it doesn't pass,
something has to.
We have to do something
or the only viable business
left in America
is going to be one that relies
on no patents whatsoever.
And I can only think
of one business
that fits that description.
♪ I'll draw you a cat,
whatever the vibe ♪
♪ I draw the cat
that you describe. ♪
[bopping music playing]
I guess,
all I'm saying is, hit it.
[bopping music playing]
♪ Let's reform
our patents quick ♪
♪ Or we will all
be in the shit ♪
And now this.
Announcer:
And now, the continuing
adventures
of the most patient man
on television.
Man on phone:
You can hear me?
I can, go ahead, Paul.
[static]
This is-- this is
Paul Beach speaking.
You're on the air.
Go ahead.
Man #2 on phone:
Blacks need to take
a little bit
more responsibility
for themselves.
Man #3 on phone:
This government has a habit
of putting labels
on people.
Uh, Jap, Kraut,
Indian, VC.
Man #4 on phone:
Brutish, brainless, bloated,
blackmailing, bribing,
boondoggling, bamboozling
bureaucracy.
Man #5 on phone:
The Zionist neocon Jews
are behind all of this.
Man #6 on phone:
The Jews that run the media.
Man #7 on phone:
The Jews are great people.
It's just only
the good-time ones
that control
all the finances
here in America.
Man #8 on phone:
I'm not prejudiced.
Man #9 on phone:
I'm not r*cist.
I'm not sexist.
Woman on phone:
And I'm not a hater.
Man #10 on phone:
We need to get rid
of every Muslim
out of the country.
Because they are
sent here to k*ll us.
Okay, we'll leave it
at that.
And finally tonight,
let's turn
to some lighter news,
the end of the world.
The news is constantly full
of potential causes,
whether it's
nuclear Armageddon
or environmental destruction.
I told you-- that bear
is the new face of Earth Day.
But as we learned
earlier this year,
one news network
has actually planned
what they'll show
during humanity's
final moments.
If this is ever on CNN,
it means the world is coming
to an end.
Man: It's called
"Turner Doomsday Video,"
something Ted Turner
actually produced
in the early days of CNN
to air
on Doomsday,
when the world is ending.
The video restriction
even says, quote,
"Hold for release till end
of the world confirmed."
Oh, that's great, CNN.
So you're going to wait
till the end of the world
to actually
confirm something.
But-- but look, I'll admit--
I will admit,
I'm intrigued by this.
I'm intrigued by the idea.
So tell me,
what is that last thing
CNN wants all of us to see?
[all playing
Nearer My God to Thee]
That's it?
A band playing a slow dirge?
Well, to be fair,
when the world ends,
it would be comforting
to look at any marching band
and think, "Well, at least
they'll all die, too."
But just--
as a side note,
if the music
they were playing
rings a bell,
there might be
a reason for that.
Man: In the video,
the Armed Forces
Marching Bands
play
Nearer My God to Thee,
the hymn that,
as legend has it,
was played
as the Titanic sank.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
That was not the music
that played when
the Titanic sank.
This was.
♪ You're here
♪ There's nothing I fear
♪ And I know
that my heart ♪
♪ Will go on...
Yes.
The last thing
those drowning people heard
was some sort
of French Canadian
space mermaid.
That's a fact.
That's a history fact.
Look, if humanity's time
on earth is going to end,
this cannot be
the last thing we all see.
Because a Doomsday video
shouldn't just be sad.
It should be celebratory.
So with that in mind,
we've produced a new video
for the end of the world
for CNN and anyone else
to use.
Please enjoy.
[soft music playing]
Hello.
I'm Martin Sheen.
And I'm afraid
if you're watching this,
the End Times
are upon us.
Whether because of w*r,
disease,
or a genetically-modified
dinosaur,
our world is now
only moments away
from total annihilation.
So let's take
these last few moments
to celebrate
the greatest things
about humanity's time
on Earth.
We had a good run,
didn't we?
We harnessed fire,
invented languages,
and engineered transparent
underwater tunnels
simply because we felt like
looking at shark tummies.
We were the first species
to evolve to walk on two legs
and then invented a way
not to.
But perhaps humanity's
greatest achievement of all
was our total domination
of every other species.
Nice try, lions.
Unless of course
we're all dying
because lions evolved
and conquered the human race,
in which case,
well played, lions.
Now let's admit,
humanity sometimes failed
to live up to our potential,
as evidenced
by our blooper reel.
Oh!
[slide whistle]
Wahh!
Tragically,
it seems our time
together as a species
is drawing short,
and life on Earth
is about to end.
So before we all embrace
whatever awaits us,
I have something important
to show you.
It's a model
of an Old West saloon
filled with cat bartenders
and cat cowboys.
[organ playing]
[doors squeak]
[meowing]
Cats.
In conclusion,
don't be sad
over what we're losing.
Instead, think fondly
of what we had.
So let's give thanks
to peanut butter,
to water slides,
to the night sky,
to the Beatles,
and the Pyramids,
to that YouTube video
of Kelsey Grammer
falling off a stage.
...UN interpreter...
Oh! Ahh.
We did things
that few thought possible.
We mastered the art
of the yo-yo,
and had a cereal
that was nothing but cookies.
We invented the automobile,
and then invented
an automobile
that could drive over
We made backpacks
that look like animals
and then had those
same animals wear them.
We set magnificently
pointless world records.
We mastered relative time
and Hammer time.
We developed string theory
and string cheese.
And you know what else?
We went to the moon!
So now,
before we're all vaporized
or whatever awaits us,
I think it's fitting
that the last thing
we all see
is this sick
basketball shot.
We did it.
This is Martin Sheen,
over and out.
That's our show!
Thank you so much.
For Martin Sheen
and those cats, good night!
[piano playing]
02x10 - Patent trolls
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.