02x19 - Transgender Rights

[bunniefuu]

[theme song playing]

[audience cheering]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

Thank you for joining us.
I'm John Oliver.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week.

And we begin
here in New York with Pride,

the day that makes
every color that's
not on the rainbow flag

feel like a worthless
sack of shit.

Now, this year,
there was even more
to celebrate than usual.

Back to the big news
of the day--

the US Supreme Court ruling
five to four

to legalize same-sex marriage
in the entire country.

That obviously includes
the 14 states

where it was
against the law.

Yes! Finally.
[audience cheering]

Finally, all across America,

anyone can get married--

anyone except, of course,
for guys who own snakes.

They still can't,
but that's on them.

That's an actual
lifestyle choice, Gary.

And look, we don't have time
to get into all the responses.

Basically, if you thought
someone would be happy

or angry at the decision,
they probably were.

But the award
for greatest moment

in global Pride celebrations

actually had nothing
to do with gay marriage

and everything to do
with the idiocy of CNN.

Because if you
were watching them yesterday,

you may have seen this.

And this just in
to CNN:

An unnerving sight
today at a London
gay pride celebration--

an !sis flag among a sea
of rainbow colors.

Lucy Pawle:
I seem to be the only person
who has spotted this.

Um, and nobody seems
to be raising any questions

or pointing it out.

Yeah, I'll--
I'll tell you why

they weren't raising
any questions.

That's not the !sis flag.

That's a flag with dildos
and butt plugs all over it.

And yet-- and yet,

for more than seven
spectacular minutes,

CNN had it onscreen,

even calling one
of their terrorism experts

to try to figure out
why !sis

might be marching
with the gay community
through London.

Which did seem surprising.

Now it turns out--
it's a full day later now--

and they've still
not addressed that mistake
on air,

probably because it would be
just too embarrassing

to have
a professional journalist
say, "I'm sorry.

"Despite working at CNN,

"it seems I don't know
what a dildo looks like.

I don't know."

So let's--
let's move on.

Let's move on
to the Supreme Court,

America's nine
most fascinating
legal scholars,

or nine
most boring wizards.

Marriage equality
wasn't actually their only
major ruling this week.

Today, in a landmark
six-to-three decision,

the Supreme Court
voted to uphold
nationwide subsidies

to help poor
and middle-class Americans
purchase health insurance

under the Affordable Care Act.

It's amazing.
Somehow--
[audience cheering]

Somehow,
against all the odds,

Obamacare is still alive.

It's the--
it's the legislative
equivalent of Keith Richards.

It really could have died
in so many ways by now,

but I'm definitely glad
it's still around.

There was genuine concern

that this case
could have dismantled
Obamacare completely,

and if it had,
it would have been

for the dumbest
possible reason.

Wolf Blitzer:
The challenge was based
on these four words--

quote,
"established by the state."

Opponents said the phrase
made federal subsidies

illegal in certain states.

Yes, "established
by the State"

could have been
the four most damaging words

since
"Godzilla just joined !sis"

or "piranhas now have legs"

or "Mom's on Facebook now."

Luckily-- luckily,
the Supreme Court

realized that in context

"the State"
meant "the government,"

and not
"one of the 50 states."

But Chief Justice Roberts
did point out

that the law
could have been clearer.

Reporter:
Roberts acknowledged
the law

"contains more
than a few examples
of inartful drafting."

But he said
the opponents' approach

would lead
to a "calamitous result."

And that's true--
"inartful drafting"

put 6.4 million people's
health coverage at risk,
which is insane,

because language
is inartfully drafted
all the time.

For example,
let me show you
an actual banner

supporting England's
Women's World Cup team
this year--

"Come On Our Girls!"

That sentence
really could have
used a comma.

Just throw a comma in there.

But-- but like
the Supreme Court,

you fundamentally understand
the intention behind it.

Nobody is arguing
that we should literally
do what it says.

Now, this landmark decision
inevitably drew

a dissent
from Antonin Scalia,

a pizzeria chef statue
that came to life

but never acquired
human emotions or empathy.

And Scalia was emphatic
in his response to Roberts.

Reporter:
His opinion sparked
a blistering dissent

by Justice Antonin Scalia,

who took the unusual step
of summarizing it
from the bench,

calling the court's reasoning
"absurd,"

"interpretive
jiggery-pokery,"

and "pure applesauce."

I'm sorry.

"Jiggery-pokery"?

"Pure applesauce"?

Are you a justice
or a Victorian dowager

writing an angry letter
to "Prim & Proper Ladies'
Monthly" magazine?

Listen, Scalia,

let me answer you
in terms that I think
you'll understand.

Because, yes,
the court's ruling
was a bit frippity-frappity.

But I say this--
if it takes a touch

of goofery
and baba ghanoush

to help people--
to help keep the people
of this great nation healthy,

well, then,
by hiblet or by giblet,

bring on the hoople
and zizzle-zazzle,

because that's the kind
of country I want to live in.

I said good day, sir!

Blueberries!
Blueberries and custard, sir!

Blueberries and custard.

And lastly--

lastly this week, Ukraine,

currently Russia's
fastest-growing import.

You-- you may remember
ex Ukrainian president
Viktor Yanukovych

fled the country last year
after a popular uprising.

He was accused
of embezzlement
and corruption,

perhaps best symbolized
by his lavish wooden house,

which, I think
we can all agree,

is what termites think about
when they masturbate.

It... This thing contained
excesses both small
and large,

from a golden loaf of bread

to this private zoo
featuring ostriches.

Well, this week,
Yanukovych reemerged

for an interview
to explain

the existence
of his private ostrich zoo.

Translator:
That I supported
the ostriches?

What's wrong with that?

You supported
the ostriches.

Yes, they just lived there.

What--
what do you mean,

"they just lived there"?

Ostriches are not native
to Ukraine.

They can't
have just been there.

They're ostriches,
not Kate Bosworth.

Where-- where did
she come from?

Was she in something
at some point?

Was she in anything
at any point?

I-- I think she might
have always been here.

And to--
to that reporter's credit,

he did not
let that answer slide.

[both speaking Russian]

Excuse me,
but it's a little hard
to believe

that the president
of the country lives
in a place

where there just happened
to be ostriches
wandering around.

No, they weren't
just wandering around.

It was a totally
separate territory.

No, it was one territory.
I went there myself.

Okay,
it was one territory.

But I have 1.7 hectares
attached to my home.

I did not have time
to be there.

I was working.

Even though
I do love animals.

Okay, no. No!

Because even
if you love animals,

no one loves ostriches.

No one even likes them.
Look at this thing.

It looks like
a shaved ballerina
wearing a merkin.

It looks like a cat toy
f*cked a giraffe.

And look,
no offense, ostriches,

but this is not
the face of an animal.

It's a very old cactus
that happens to
have a vag*na.

That's a fact.
That's an animal fact.

Now, interestingly,

since Yanukovych
abandoned the property,
it's opened to visitors,

which has brought
some problems of its own

for a male ostrich
named Igoliak,

as this Ukrainian
TV report shows.

Reporter:
The zoo technician says
the visitors

annoy the ostrich
Igoliak very much,

and even his fertility
has fallen because of them.

He could possibly
manage to breed,

but it seems
he is too stressed
and can't do it.

Yes, apparently,

because Yanukovych
did not socialize
his bird monsters properly,

they're now too nervous
to f*ck in public,

which, frankly,
is yet another tragedy

for the people of Ukraine.

Because we researched it,
and ostrich sex

is absolutely hilarious.

Look at this--
first, the male ostrich

sits on the female
like she's a futon,

then flaps around
arrhythmically,

waving from side to side,

while the poor female,
who, frankly,

could not be
less into this,

just sits there
and waits until he's done,

at which point
the male ostrich

triumphantly flounces off

to go and tell his friends
all about it.

And what better metaphor...
[audience cheering]

could there possibly be

for Yanukovych
and Ukraine?

He just plopped down,
had his way with the country,

and then flounced off,
leaving it wondering

what the f*ck
just happened.

And now this.

Announcer:
And now,

a few more seconds
of hot ostrich sex.

♪ Love on an ostrich

♪ I said loving

Moving on, moving on.
[audience cheering]

This-- this has clearly
been a big week

for the LGBT community.

But it's also been
a big year for the "T" part

of that equation,
from Caitlyn Jenner's
"Vanity Fair" cover

to TV shows
like "Transparent,"

to another small milestone
just this Friday.

Reporter:
Actress Laverne Cox
marked another milestone

with a drop of a curtain
at Madame Tussauds
San Francisco.

Now that
is a big step forward

for transgender Americans,
and it's frankly about time.

Because bear in mind,
it came after

the same milestone
for spider Americans
and Wookies.

But for all the strides
transgender people
have made lately,

let's not get too complacent
about how far we've come,

because they still face
a host of obstacles.

Even when the news media
are trying to be supportive,

they can make dumb mistakes.

Your private parts
are different now,
aren't they?

Shh.
I don't want to talk about it

because it's still--
it's really personal.

Don't you feel funny
with the wrong genitalia?

Not as a joke-- you stand up
in the women's bathroom.

You've got breast implants?

I, you know, I--
They're tasteful,

whatever's going on there.
Thank you.

So if I saw you undressed,

you would look like a woman
to me, totally. Yes?

What are you doing?

It is no more okay
to ask transgender people

about their sex organs

than it would be
to ask Jimmy Carter

whether or not
he's circumcised,

which, by the way,
he is.

Smooth like a boiled carrot.

And-- and sometimes--
don't think about that--

and sometimes
the media's confusion

is even more basic
than that,

as in the case
of this Arizona weatherman

just two weeks ago.

Reporter:
And a transgender woman

says she was kicked
out of a Tempe bar.

Let's bring it back
to that earlier headline.

Now what is
a transgender woman?

Man: Yes?
What does that even mean now?

Okay.

Do we break?
[overlapping chatter]

Man:
She used to be a guy.

Woman:
But now is a woman.

Man:
This is-- this is--
Okay.

Woman:
So weird.

Aren't you just saying
a woman then?

I don't-- I can't even
keep up anymore!

Holy shit.

I really hope
that's also how
he reports the weather.

"Wait-- wait!
It used to be rainy

"and now it's sunny?

"So-- so now it's just sunny?
I can't even keep up anymore!

I can't-- This doesn't
make my head work."

Look.
Look, though,

let's-- let's give him
the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe for him
and for many people,
this is new information.

Maybe he's thinking
about transgender issues
for the first time

and he needs a minute
to try and understand it.

So let's take that minute

to fill in
that bamboozled weatherman

and everyone else
on some basic details.

Transgender people
have a gender identity

that differs from the one
they were assigned at birth,

and that gender identity
is not the same

as sexual orientation.

Gender identity
is who you are.

Sexual orientation
is who you love.

Some transgender people
do undergo hormone therapy

or sex reassignment surgery
as part of their transition,

some do not.
And interestingly,

their decision on this matter
is, medically speaking,

none of your
f*cking business.

[audience cheering]
And if you're
still wondering,

"Well, hold on, hold on.

"What-- what do I call
a transgender person?

It's so confusing."

Well, actually
it's pretty simple.

Call them whatever
they want to be called.

You can do it.
We do it all the time.

Think of it this way.
David Evans woke up one day

and said,
"Everyone call me The Edge."

And we all went,
"Fine, The Edge.

Are we talking
the noun or the verb?"

And-- and that's--
it's not just that.

It's not just that.
Over the past 20 years,

we've agreed
to call this man Puff Daddy,

P. Diddy,
just Diddy,

and now Puff Daddy again,

and most people
don't even like him.

And-- and here's the thing.
[audience cheering]

Here's the important thing.

It's genuinely crucial
that we get this right.

Because there are more
transgender people in the US

than you might realize.
One study estimates

that nearly 700,000
American adults
are transgender.

That's more than
the population of Boston,

and you probably
know someone from Boston.

I'll give you a clue--
it was the guy who wore
a Bruins jersey

to your sister's wedding.

And while-- while a handful
of transgender people

have been winning awards
or appearing on
magazine covers,

the community at large

has been facing
some staggering challenges.

Reporter: A 2011 survey
by the National Center
for Transgender Equality

found 41%
of transgender people

had attempted su1c1de.

They're nearly four times
more likely

to make less
than $10,000 a year

compared to
the general population.

Reporter 2:
reported harassment

during K-through-12 schooling,


physical as*ault,

and 12%
were sexually assaulted.

That is terrible.

Those statistics
are so depressing,

it's enough to make you angry
a the very concept of numbers.

"f*ck you, symbols meant
to represent a specific value!

You're the absolute worst!
The worst!"

Look, look,
we've clearly got work to do.

Because
when you're transgender,

pretty much any interaction
with bureaucracy

can be
humiliatingly difficult.

Just take what happened
to two transgender women

when they went to the DMV
in West Virginia.

Reporter:
Both women were asked
to remove all their jewelry,

makeup and wigs
before the DMV
would photograph them.

They're saying that I need
to fulfill certain--

a certain look
that they are designating
means "male."

And that I'm, you know,
hiding who I am,

which I'm absolutely not.

Reporter: Both women
say they were also
referred to as "it."

Words can't explain

the humiliation
I felt that day.

That was the worst thing
in 52 years of my life

I have ever felt.

Listen, I'm not saying anyone
has a good DMV experience,

but that is the worst
I have ever heard.

And for the record,

you get to pick
virtually everything else

on your driver's license.

They ask you your weight.

They don't weigh you
like a prize hog.

Plus, the whole idea
of a driver's license photo

is to present how you look
from day to day.

That's why DMV employees
tell you not to smile,

because they can't imagine
anyone whose normal existence

involves happiness
in any form.

And even in--
even in organizations

that have seemed
willing to change,

that change has come
frustratingly slowly.

Take the military.
Both the secretary of defense

and President Obama
have indicated

they are open
to transgender troops
being able to serve.

And yet, they're still
banned from enlisting

because of weirdly
archaic restrictions

on things like
"defects of the genitalia
such as change of sex"

and "psychosexual conditions
including but not limited

to transsexualism
and transvestism."

Our current recruitment poster
is essentially,

"I want you, maybe,

"after we talk about
your genitals for a bit.

"I know that's weird,
but for the moment,

this is apparently
how we do things."

And yet, even despite
those restrictions
on enlistment,

by one estimate,

there are currently 15,000
transgender service members.

And while
you can be discharged
for being transgender,

those rules are enforced
inconsistently

depending on
your branch of service
and commanding officer.

Meaning experiences
can vary wildly.

For some,
like Logan Ireland,
it can be great.

Logan Ireland:
What I like
about this deployment

is I can be
my authentic self.

I'm just another guy.

Whereas back home,
I'm still seen as female,

and I go by female regs
and standards.

Here in Afghanistan,
a w*r zone,

it's like a vacation to me,
because I can be myself

in such
an austere environment.

It is not a great sign

for how we treat
transgender people

that Afghanistan
is "a place where you
can be yourself."

That is the least likely
tourism slogan
for Afghanistan.

"Well, I'd put it
right behind Water Park
Capital of the World

and Birthplace
of the Twerk."

But compare that

with the experience
of Captain Jacob Eleazer

of the Army National Guard,

who faced discharge
for being transgender

despite his own
commander's support

and the fact
he was being awarded
a medal.

The thing that stuck
with me the most

is as they were pinning
that Army commendation medal
on me,

my regimental commander said,

"Thank you for everything
that you've done

for our regiment, Jacob."

And used--
used my real name.

Um, and I--
I can't express

just the emotion
of that juxtaposition.

It's like,
you're kicking me out,

but you're acknowledging me
for myself

and giving me an award
at the same time.

That's utterly ridiculous.

They gave him an award

and then tried
to kick him out.

It's pretty much
what Hollywood did
to Cuba Gooding, Jr.,

and that wasn't okay either.

But-- but this
is the big problem.

This is the big problem.
Because even when people
say the right things

about
the transgender community,

too often, practical change
fails to follow.

And perhaps
the perfect embodiment
of this concerns bathrooms.

We all use them.

As the good book tells us,
"Everyone Poops."

Or, as it's known
in England,

"Everyone Poops
But the Queen."

She has people
do it for her.

Across the country,
there have been efforts
by lawmakers

to fight
nondiscrimination ordinances

with so-called bathroom bills,
like this one in Arizona.

It's a new show-me-your-papers
bill for Arizona.

The sex on
your birth certificate

would have to match
the sex of the bathroom

or locker room that you use.

The target?
Transgender men and women
here in Arizona.

Six months in jail,
$2,500 fine,

for just going in to pee.

$2,500 fine for peeing
in the wrong place.

Look, unless you happen
to urinate

a 1989 Chateau Petrus,

you're not even going
to break even on that deal.

In the most recent session,

at least 13 bathroom bills

have been introduced
in state legislatures,

and the reasoning behind them
can be pretty insulting.

Just listen
to presidential candidate
Mike Huckabee.

We are now
in city after city

watching ordinances
that say

that your
seven-year-old daughter,

if she goes
into the restroom,

cannot be offended,
and you can't be offended,

if she is greeted there
by a 42-year-old man

who feels more like a woman
than he does a man.

Now, I wish someone had told
me when I was in high school

that I could have felt
like a woman

when it came time
to take showers in PE.

I'm pretty sure I would have
found my feminine side

and said, "Coach,
I think I'd rather shower
with the girls today."

[crowd laughing]

You're laughing
because it sounds
so ridiculous, doesn't it?

There's something
inherently wrong

with forcing little children

to be a part
of this social experiment.

No. But there is something
inherently wrong

with forcing us to listen
to your f*cked-up daydreams

about all the sex crimes
you would have committed

as a teenager
had you just been able
to find a legal loophole.

That's weird.

And that-- that kind
of baseless fear-mongering
is everywhere.

It even turned up
in a campaign ad

when Gainesville, Florida,
was trying to pass
one of these bills.

[children laughing]

Okay, let's-- let's break
that bullshit down.

Because first,
assaulting children
is still illegal.

Secondly, someone abusing
a nondiscrimination ordinance

to as*ault
someone in a bathroom
is almost unheard of.

It's a borderline
imaginary crime,

like dragon rustling
or space bestiality.

Sure, it's terrible,

but it doesn't really happen.

Also,
forcing transgender people
into certain bathrooms

can actually
be much more disruptive,

as activist Michael Hughes,
a transgender man,

showed with this photo
of himself

looking
understandably awkward
in a ladies' room.

Because there are many places
that Michael would fit in.

A tattoo parlor in Reno,

playing steel guitar
in a Johnny Cash tribute band,

or on the label
of his own barbeque sauce.

But a women's bathroom?
Eh, not so much.

Besides, it is so much easier
for everyone

when people are allowed
to use the bathroom

that matches
their gender identity

rather than one
that might match

the genitalia
they were born with.

That is why
the little pictures
on bathroom doors

are stereotypical
representations
of men and women,

and not biologically
accurate depictions

of penises and vaginas.

Because that would be
troubling for children.

"Uh, Mommy!
Mommy?

"Do I go with the one
with the pouty slug

"or the angry goat skull?

I'm scared."

And yet,
legislators have even
tried to enforce these bills

in high schools,
with damaging consequences.

Take the case
of Henry Brousseau,

a transgender
high school student

who spoke in opposition
to a proposed bathroom bill
in Kentucky.

Even though I've been living
as a male for some time,

I've been...
been accepted by
my friends and family as male,

I was being forced to use
the girls' bathroom

at my school
until very recently.

Because the school
administration did not
support my gender identity

by letting me use
the restrooms concordant
with my gender identity,

the kids at my school
bullied me.

The kids thought that
because the administration

didn't support
my gender identity,
they didn't have to either.

And that is the whole point.

Official rules can end up
legitimizing prejudice.

And besides,
teenagers really
don't need extra ideas

for how to make
each other's lives miserable.

That's what they do.

"Uh, sit on your own, Becca.

"Side ponytails are
so five nevers ago.

Uh! Uh!"

And look,
as Henry finished his speech,

it actually seemed like
he'd really connected
with the legislators.

If you don't know
a transgender kid already,

you do know-- you do now.
You know me, Henry.

Please let me know
how I can be

of any further assistance,
and thank you so much
for your time today.

And please vote no
on Senate Bill 76.

I educated myself
a lot today

and I appreciate
the testimony.

Jared Carpenter:
You should be proud
of yourself for

being able to stand in front
of this committee

and be so articulate
in your comments.

Henry, I love you, man.

I appreciate you.
I appreciate your courage.

I can't really imagine
that anyone else

in this room
has the kind of courage

that it took
for you to come

and testify today.

Okay, okay.
But "I love you, man"
is a little much.

I love Henry, too,
but he's not the best man
at your wedding.

He's a teenage boy
trying to take a shit
in the men's room.

And-- and it's worth noting,

once they were done
patting Henry on the back

and then patting themselves
for patting Henry,

all three
of those lawmakers

voted to advance the bill

to force him into bathrooms
where he's bullied.

Now, thankfully,
that particular bill
never became law.

But that dynamic of praising
a transgender person's courage

and then not actually
supporting them

speaks to the fact that
we are weirdly comfortable

celebrating transgender people

while simultaneously
dehumanizing them at the DMV,

pinning awards to them
as we drum them out
of the military,

and constantly quizzing them
about their genitals.

And look,
this is a civil rights issue.

And if you are not willing
to support transgender people

for their sake,
at least do it for your own.

Because we've been
through this before.

We know how this thing ends.

If you take
the anti-civil rights side

and deny people access
to something they're
entitled to,

history is not going
to be kind to you.

There is no biopic
where Liam Neeson
kicks the shit

out of a suffragist.

There's-- there's--
there's not a stamp

featuring George Wallace
at the schoolhouse door.

And you are not going
to get a monument

that says at the base of it,
"He told people
where to shit."

And now this.

Announcer:
And now, this is not
CNBC's first rodeo.

You've done this for a while.
Not your first Disney on Ice
rodeo.

It's not his first rodeo.
The company that--

for whom this is not
their first rodeo.

This is not your first rodeo.

Not our first rodeo.

This isn't your first rodeo.

This isn't
your first rodeo.

I was reading
your resume here.

This is not
your first rodeo.

I would use
the "not the first rodeo"
thing.

This is not Peltz's
first rodeo.

It wasn't his first rodeo.

Not Howard Schultz's
first rodeo.

Not my first radio--
rodeo.

Woman:
You ever been to a rodeo?

Man:
I'm gonna say that I have,

because I use the expression

that this
isn't my first rodeo.
First rodeo.

[audience laughing]

And finally tonight,

we look at time.

Time--
it's the actual thing

that separates men
from the boys.

And this week--
this week,

there is going to be
an unusual timekeeping event.

A leap second is coming.
Every few years,

an extra second is added
to account for a mismatch

between clocks
and the Earth's rotation.

That's right.
This Tuesday night,

there is going to be
a leap second.

Just before midnight,
Coordinated Universal Time,

the clock will go
from 11:59:59

to 11:59:60,

which sounds less
like an actual time

and more like
how a puffer fish
describes his ideal woman.

"Oh, she's a perfect


"Real narrow, round,

and then even rounder."

And look,
I know an extra second

does not seem
like that big a deal.

But you can get a lot done
in a second.

You can spoil
the twist endings
of classic movies.

I'll show you.
Um, dude's dead.

Uh, Soze is Spacey.

Uh, kitchen remodel
still in progress,
but very much on track.

The point--
the point is--

the point is,
we want you to enjoy

your extra second
on Tuesday.

So we have purchased
SpendYourLeapSecondHere.com

and uploaded
some of the greatest

one-second videos
you could possibly imagine.

Let me give you
a quick taste.

Here is an upside-down sloth
making a weird sound.

Ah!

That's a great second.

You just spent that second
very well.

I'll give you another.
Here is Mariah Carey's dog

getting into a fight
with Mariah Carey's cat

during the taping
of Mariah Carey's "Cribs"
episode.

They-- ow!

That's-- Come on.

That's arguably
a more important second
than the Big Bang was.

So please, on Tuesday,

go to
SpendYourLeapSecondHere.com

or, indeed,
to JohnOliverSecsTapes.com,

which, yes, we bought
before we said it out loud,

and you can enjoy
such magnificent micro moments

as Bobby Cannavale
acting the shit

out of the words,
"leap second."

Leap second!

Bravo. Bravo, Bobby.

And look, if you're thinking,
well, hold on,

if we all go to that website
at the same time on Tuesday,

won't it crash?
Nah, that seems unlikely.

Nothing like that
has every famously
happened before.

So go to
JohnOliverSecsTapes.com

and waste your extra second
with us.

That's our show.
We're off next week.

We'll be back after that.
Thank you so much!
Good night!

Leap... second?

Leap second.

Leap second!
[sighs]