02x25 - Televangelism

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[audience cheers, applauds]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

Thank you so much
for joining us.

I am John Oliver.

Just time for a quick
recap of the week.

And we begin in Cuba--

home to the world's
least fun Castro District.

On Friday,
Cuba made history.

Today, the flag
of the United States

was raised over
the U.S. Embassy in Havana.

With Secretary of State
John Kerry looking on,

three U.S. Marines hoisted
the flag up a pole

at the embassy for the first
time in 54 years.

Yes. Finally.

The universal symbol
of freedom and liberty

is flying in Cuba...

someplace other than
Guantanamo Bay.

But...

But it wasn't just
a symbolic flag raising.

The reopening of the Embassy
also gave Secretary of State

John Kerry a chance
to dust off his freshman year

¿Qué tal? textbook.

I say on behalf
of my country...

Los Estados Unidos
acogen con beneplacito

este nuevo comienzo
de su relacion

con un pueblo
el gobierno de Cuba.

No bueno.

You...

You sound like
a Rosetta Stone,

and not the software.

You sound like an actual rock
trying to speak Spanish.

And look--
Look, the negotiations

to get us to this point
are way too complicated

to get into right now.

Suffice to say, they involved
at various points

Senator Patrick Leahy,
the pope,

and the nation of Canada.

But perhaps the most
amazing detail was that

at one point, the negotiations
actually hinged on this...

A wild story involving

the artificial insemination

of the wife of one

of the Cuban prisoners

being held in
the United States

with the Leahys bringing...

um... the... the semen?

Really? From the prisoner

in the United States

to Havana

so she could become pregnant.

It's true.

Apparently as part
of the effort

to close the deal, last year
Senator Patrick Leahy

helped facilitate
the artificial insemination

of a Cuban prisoner's wife
by ensuring safe passage

for his sperm.

And let this be a lesson
to anyone who thinks

international diplomacy
is glamorous,

because it is not just
cocktail parties

and high-level meetings.

Once in a while,
your job may include

making sure
an international flight

takes off with a carry-on bag
containing, presumably,

less than three ounces
of warm Cuban jizz.

That's an adult's job.

That is diplomacy.

So let's-- let's move on.

Let's move on now
to American history--

you know,
the thing that

Disney's "Pocahontas"
improved on.

This-- this week gave
closure to a rumor

that has been intriguing
U.S. historians for years.

And it is confirmed.

President Warren G. Harding

did indeed have

a daughter out of wedlock.

"The New York Times" reports

DNA testing now proved

the 29th president fathered

a child by a mistress,

Nan Britton,

before he was elected.

Yes, it's official--

Warren G. Harding
had a love child,

which is pretty impressive
for a man who looks like

someone put
two napping caterpillars

on an angry
bald eagle's forehead

and then dressed it
in Tucker Carlson's clothes.

But-- But the revolution--
the revelation came

as vindication for the family
of his mistress, Nan Britton.

And frankly,
I could fill you in

on the details of this story,
but I would much rather

let the team
at "Good Day Columbus"

take it from here.

You know
who was the hot--

who was
the hottie in his day

who might have been on
one of these...

Turns out...

Warren G. Harding
had a love child?

Marion's own
Warren G. Harding,

president of
these United States.

Quite the scandal
in the '20s.

The family has
long since denied,

and the two families
have been kind
of circling

each other,
going, "Uh-huh.
This is for real."

"No, no.
It's not for real.

"No, you're
making it up."

I want to learn
about every world event

from those two people.

[imitating reporter]
"So... So !sis was all like,
'We want to take over Syria.'

"And Syria was like,
'Nuh-uh.'

"And !sis was like,
'Uh-huh.'

"Anyway, casualties number
in the thousands."

But I for one am glad
that Harding's love child

has been confirmed,
because there were parts

of this story that were simply
too good not be true.

Reporter:
After Warren Harding
died in 1923,

Nan Britton wrote
a book claiming

she'd been his mistress,

they'd made love
in a White House closet,

and he'd fathered
her daughter, Elizabeth.

With all due respect
to his mistress,

you did not make love
in a White House closet.

You banged in Warren's
f*ck Bunker.

That is what happened because
that is what he called it.

But... the much bigger
point here

is Warren G. Harding's
presidential legacy must

clearly be updated now,
because he died

probably hoping that
he'd be remembered

for the Fordney-McCumber
Tariff Act.

But from now on,
the first and only thing

we should teach
children in school

is that Warren G. Harding
not only had a love child,

he had a hush-hush
closet bang

with a fangirl named Nan.

We must educate
our children in history.

And finally this week,
New Zealand--

Australia's Australia.

You may recall...

You may recall that last year
New Zealand announced

it was redesigning its flag
for a very simple reason.

Australia's flag
is in the background here.

Reporter: You can see the
Union Jack in the left corner,

against a blue background
with white stars.

New Zealand's flag
is in the foreground.

The only
distinguishing feature--

the stars are red, not white,
with fewer points.

Yes, New Zealand's flag
is different

from the Australian flag
in the same way that

"Ice Ice Baby" is different
from "Under Pressure,"

which is to say that
they're basically the same,

but one is clearly worse.

Now, this-- this is not
a unique problem.

Lots of countries
have similar flags.

Romania and Chad,
or Monaco and Indonesia...

But nevertheless,
New Zealand has opened

a flag design contest
to the public

and received 10,000 entries,
which this week they narrowed

to a short list of just 40.

And people do not seem
particularly inspired.

Bit of a joke, to be honest.

I think it's turned into
a wee bit of a joke.

Yeah?
I think most people
don't care about it anymore.

You know,
maybe 5%
of the people

are taking
it seriously.

The rest of us
are more concerned

about much more
serious issues
than the flag.

Reporter: Which one would
you pick?

Probably that one.
Why is that?

I guess 'cause
it's really similar

to the one we've got already.

Wow.

That is negative.

You are going about this
with the enthusiasm

of a distant uncle
buying a birthday present

for a two-year-old nephew.

"Look, I just need something

"that has three colors
and takes up physical space.

"I don't know what it likes!"

And-- And I think I know
why this has not captured

the public imagination there.

The 40 flags on the--
on the short list

are pretty boring,
which is ridiculous

because the government put
all the flag designs

that they rejected online

and some of them
are incredible.

For instance, how did
this one not make the cut?

The title, it's actual title,
is New Zealand's True Nature

and it looks like
a very confused

child's depiction
of where they think

babies come from.

That would be
an incredible flag.

Now, many of
the other great designs

feature the kiwi bird,
which ordinarily

I would not advise
because it looks

less like a bird
and more like a dumb,

fat mouse who got
his face stuck on a straw,

but it is hard
not to get behind

this actual flag design
of a kiwi blasting

lasers from its eyes.

You would remember that flag!

If you ever saw that flag,
it would be impossible

not to immediately
pledge allegiance to it.

But I have to say the greatest
flag design of all,

and I cannot believe this
did not make the short list,

was this one
titled Eggsplosion.

And the artist's explanation
for his design is

"Because New Zealanders
like eggs

"and explosions are cool."

Please, New Zealand,
I'm begging you,

when it comes time to vote
for your new flag,

write "Eggsplosion" down,
'cause that's the greatest

thing I've ever seen!

And now, this.

[announcer speaking]

Bird in police floodlight

failing field sobriety test.

Flag that's just one boot
short of a swastika.

Unauthorized Hasidic
Mr. Potato Head.

Kiwi going
through heroin withdrawal.

A cat having the world's
most boring cat dream.

And kiwi dressed as The Fonz
for some reason.

Moving on, moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns churches--

America's favorite place
for redemption

and sixth favorite
place for chicken.

Churches are a cornerstone
of American life.

There are roughly


in the United States,
and many of them do great work

feeding the hungry,
clothing the poor,

but this is not
a story about them.

This is about
the churches who exploit

people's faith
for monetary gain.

And when I say that,
you probably think

of 1980s televangelists
like this guy.

I'm just getting
into a prophetic vein.

[speaking in tongues]

Someone with a dis--
digestive tract problems,
quickly call.

[speaking in tongues]

We've seen midgets grow.

We've seen arms and legs
that stopped growing

because the growth cells
have stopped.

[speaking in tongues]

I don't make this stuff up!

What? Ple-- Please.

You can't say,
"I don't make this stuff up,"

just five seconds
after you said the words,

"Manda Kasabasanda."

That man is Robert Tilton
and though he,

like many televangelists,
was caught up

in an exposé decades ago,
he never really went away.

Healing going to those knees.

Arthritis, go
in the name of Jesus!

Tumors, go in the name
of Jesus!

That one calling with lupus.

Lupus, you foul devil.

You bow to the name of Jesus.

Lupus, you bow to the name
of Jesus.

You go in Jesus's name!

Lupus, you complicated
and not especially easy

to describe malady,
you go, lupus!

You vex us
with your foul lupus-ness.

You go!

Now, though you may not
be aware of it,

televangelism is still
thriving in this country

and Robert Tilton is just
a very small part of it.

There are several
large media networks

devoted to televangelism,
including Trinity,

Inspiration Ministries,
and Daystar.

And the preachers
that appear on them

can have
incredible lifestyles.

Just earlier this year,
a man named Creflo Dollar

got people's attention
with a bold request.

Reporter: Pastor Creflo Dollar
of the World Changers

Church International
facing harsh criticism

after starting
a fundraising campaign

to buy this $65 million
luxury private jet.

If I want to believe God
for a $65 million plane,

you cannot stop me.
[audience cheering]

You cannot stop
me from dreaming!

"You... You cannot stop
me from dreaming"

is not how you ask
for $65 million.

It's what you scream
at your father when

he tells you you'll never
be a Broadway dancer.

"I can do it, Dad!

"I've got the music in me!"

But-- But here's the thing.

Creflo Dollar wanting
a private jet

is not remotely unusual.

There is a pattern
of preachers wanting
high-end airplanes.

And when they get them,
they're not always

particularly humble about it.

I had enough money
to buy a beautiful

Cessna CitationJet... cash.

[audience silent]

I sense there's so much
jealousy in this room tonight

that I can feel over this.

A few weeks later,
I bought another one

worth three times
what that one was...

cash.
[audience silent]

Act happy
over my blessing, folks.

Ooh.

[imitates pastor]
"I bought a jet, cash.
I bought a bigger jet, cash.

"f*ck the haters.
Act happy for me."

That-- That's not a sermon.

It's the first draft
of a Rick Ross single.

Now... Now, preachers claim
these planes are vital tools.

Look at Kenneth Copeland,
who along with his wife Gloria

are among the most successful
TV evangelists.

A few years back,
he asked his followers

to help buy a $20 million jet,
promising it would only

be used for church business.

But a local news crew
did some digging

and what they found will
probably not surprise you.

Reporter: It was a News 8
investigation last February

which first raised questions
about Copeland's

apparently personal use
of his new church jet.

This is a preaching machine.

Most notably for a ski trip
to Colorado

and visits to an exotic
game ranch in South Texas.

Here's Copeland
and his son John

proudly poising
with a pair
of axis deer,

indigenous to India
and Sri Lanka.

Holy shit.

This guy's like a psychotic,
reverse Noah.

Two by two,
male and female

came to Kenneth Copeland
and he doth shot them

right between
the f*cking eyes.

Now, Copeland's ministry
will tell you that

he reimburses the church
for trips like that,

but that still means
he has private jet
reimbursement money.

And yet,
despite that personal wealth,

people still
send Kenneth Copeland,

Creflo Dollar, and that
assh*le with two planes

lots and lots of money,
and that's partly because

they preach something
called the Prosperity Gospel,

which argues that wealth
is a sign of God's favor

and donations will result
in wealth coming back to you.

That idea sometimes
takes the form of seed faith--

the notion that donations
are seeds that you will

one day get to harvest.

Let me show you
that in action.

The size of your seed...

will determine the size
of your harvest.

I don't understand why,

but there's something happens

at a level where people step

into faith and give $1,000

that don't happen at other
levels.

You're going to
have a breakthrough

through this $273 seed.

All you've got is $1,000.

Listen, that's not enough
money anyway to buy the house.

You're trying to get
into the apartment.

You're trying
to buy the house.

That's not enough
money anyway.

You get to that phone
and you put that seed

in the ground and watch God
work it out.

The... The argument is sow
your money in the ground

and you will reap returns
multiple times over.

Except as an investment,
you'd be better off

burying your money
in the actual ground

because at least that way,
there is a chance

your dog may dig it up
and give it back
to you one day.

Good boy.

But... But it can get
even more predatory,

'cause if say
you don't have $1,000

or perhaps have
significant credit card debts,

seed faith can still
work for you.

I have a feeling
that somebody...

that wants a credit card
debt wiped out,

that if you'll use
your faith as you sow,

as you sow the $1,000
on a credit card,

as you use your faith...

as you use your faith,

God's gonna wipe out your
credit card indebtedness.

Think about that.

That is the equivalent
of saying the key

to you losing weight
lies at the bottom

of this giant Costco bulk bag
of peanut butter M&M's.

Go find it.
It's definitely down there.

And all of this--
all of this would be amusing

if the targets
of these messages

were not often
vulnerable people
like Bonnie Parker.

She did not seek
medical treatment for cancer,

instead choosing to sow
money into Kenneth
Copeland's church.

And I'll let her daughter
pick it up from there.

Kristy Beach:
I started finding notebooks...

not long
after she passed away.

She believed--
and I know she believed,

'cause this is
in the notebooks--

that if she sowed enough seed,
which was money, um,

the greater amount
of seed that you sow,

according to them, um,
the better chance you have,

the better chance you have
of getting healed.

At this point,
I think it's clear

that seed faith
is the most disgusting

seed based concept
since whatever the f*ck

chia seed pudding is.

Bonnie Parker gave
thousands of dollars

to the Copelands' church
because she believed

it was her best chance
of beating cancer.

And you might think,
"Well, that's crazy,"

but it's not
an unreasonable interpretation

of the Copelands' preachings.

Gloria Copeland sells
numerous products

on "healing through faith"
and has been skeptical

in the past
about going to the doctor.

We know that's wrong with you.

You've got cancer.

The bad news is,

we don't know
what to do about it,

except give you some poison
that'll make you sicker.

Now, which do you want to do?

Do you want to do that
or do you want to sit here

on Saturday morning,
hear the word of God

and let faith come
into your heart

and be healed?
Hallelujah.

It's pretty clear
that woman cannot hear

the word of God
because if she could,

I'm pretty sure
he'd be shouting,

"f*ck you, Gloria!"
right in her ear.

And yet, and yet,
not only is everything

you've seen so far legal,
but the money people donate

in response to it
is tax-free.

Because if you're registered
as a religious non-profit,

or especially a church,
you are given broad exemptions

over taxation and regulation.

The IRS in fact produced
a scintillating video

instructing its agents
how to treat churches,

and it contains a phrase
that you would not normally

associate with the agency.

Hello and welcome to Churches

and Religious Organizations
Dos and Don'ts.

For reasons as old
as the United States,

the tax laws and regulations
that govern churches

and religious organizations
are purposely broad

and sometimes a little vague.

A little vague?

Oh, they are
under-selling that

because the films
of Christopher Nolan

are a little vague.

A text
from your mom reading...

That's a little vague!

The IRS regulations
are close to meaningless.

According to their tax codes,
not only is the term "church"

not specifically defined,
they make no attempt

to evaluate
whether the content

of a doctrine is religious,
provided the beliefs

are truly held
and are not illegal.

But truly held beliefs
that are not illegal

is almost every belief.

Bros before hos--
that could be a religion.

Red Vines are better
than Twizzlers--

that could be a religion.

If you believe
the best movie ever made

is "Lady in the Water,"

then your name
is M. Night Shyamalan,

but congratulations,
Mr. Shyamalan--

that belief could
be a religion.

And being designated a church
confers all sorts of benefits

like the parsonage allowance,

which allows the Copelands

to live in
a $6.3 million
house tax-exempt.

This is their house.

That is a parsonage,
which only makes sense

if by parsonage they mean
"house that looks like

"it cost the net worth
of 'Big Bang Theory's'
Jim Parsons."

We actually asked
the IRS how many churches

they've audited
in recent years,

and they did one in 2014
and just two in 2013.

The odds of a church
getting audited are basically

the same as Gloria Copeland
curing your f*cking cancer.

And, and when
you can operate...

Here's the thing...

When you can operate
with so little oversight,

it is amazing
what you are able to do.

Look at Robert Tilton.

If you ever send
him a donation,

you cannot
imagine what happens.

And luckily,
you don't have to imagine

because-- and we should
probably come clean here--

we have been involved
in a correspondence

with Robert Tilton's church
for the last seven months

to try and find out
what he tells people.

So settle in,
because this gets incredible.

Back in January,
I sent him $20 and a letter

asking to be added
to his mailing list.

Within two weeks,
he sent me a letter back

thanking me for my donation
and claiming...

And "supernatural"
is a bit of a stretch.

I saw him on television
and I sent him some money.

He wasn't my dead lover
who came back

to help me with some pottery.

Soon afterwards, he sent
me a second letter

and inside there was
a $1 bill, which was exciting

until I saw the inscription
instructing me to

send it back to him
with your best Prove God
tithes or offering.

That's right,
I had to send the $1 back

with an additional recommended
offering of $37, which I did.

So at this point,
we're just two letters in

and already it's like
having a pen pal

who's in deep
with some loan sharks.

This correspondence continued
back and forth like this

until March,
when he sent me

three small packets
of colored oil

that I was instructed to pour
on letters and send back

to him by a specific dates
along with more money.

So I did that.

And in April,
I got a letter

in a manila envelope
with a message...

And I thought,
"Fantastic!

"I've seeded and I've seeded
and I've seeded.

"Here comes my harvest."

Then I open it--
and this is true--

It was a check for $5
from me made out

to Pastor Tilton's church.

This went on
for seven more letters,

and then he sent me
a piece of fabric

in the shape
of some mountains.

I assumed at this point
I'd somehow reached

the mountain level.

And surprise, surprise,
he asked me to send

those mountains back to him
with some more money again.

So I did and then
he sent me another letter

with another single
dollar bill inside.

He told me to put
that dollar bill in my Bible

for one night
and then send it back

the next day with $49 more
so that he can have it blessed

with oil
and send me a $1 bill back
that has been blessed.

Adding...

And then for emphasis...

And you know what?
I kept that $1 bill

because f*ck him.

[audience cheering]
That... That's why.

So that one I kept.

That-- That one I kept.

But-- But that
did not stop him.

The letters kept on coming.

I received another oil packet,
more prayer cloths,

and even--
and this is true--

an outline of his foot...

which I was asked
to trace my foot on

and mail back to him
with more money!

So as of tonight
I've sent him $319

and received 26 letters.

That's almost one a week.

And again,
this is all hilarious

until you imagine
these letters being sent

to someone who cannot
afford what he's asking for.

So at this point,
I was getting pretty angry

and looking for a sign
of what to do.

So I watched
a little more Robert Tilton

and the most
amazing thing happened.

There's a person watching me,
and you've been

very frustrated
with your purpose in life.

That might be me, Bob!

'Cause I'm extremely
frustrated right now

as it seems my purpose
in the last seven months

has been to send you money
through the f*cking mail!

So... So I will ask,

what's that message
that you have for me?

That's so strong.

Just then-- Just then,
I had a word of knowledge

for someone that's really
been seeking God--

you have-- for a...

particular purpose
or a decision in your life.

And that is when
I realized the message

Robert Tilton was sending me
was that I should set up

my own church to test
the legal and financial limits

of what religious entities
are able to do.
[audience cheering]

And so that
is what we have done.

We filed paperwork last week
establishing a church

called Our Lady
of Perpetual Exemption,

and it was disturbingly easy.

To make sure
we did this correctly,

we had this actual tax lawyer
walk us through the process.

Now, while the IRS does not
have a definition of a church,

they do have a 14-point test
as a guideline for churches.

But not only do you not
have to meet all 14 points,

we'd already met some
of them by accident.

For instance, you need

an "established
place of worship,"

but we meet every Sunday
in this studio in New York.

And apparently,
that genuinely counts.

Our lawyer also advised us

our church needed to be
a distinct legal entity,

so we registered our church
as a non-profit corporation

in Texas,
a state I do not live in,

have never lived in,
but which is somehow

completely fine for us
to incorporate a church in.

Now, the IRS's guidelines
suggest you need

a creed
and form of worship,

but our lawyer suggested
we could fulfill

the worship requirement
by merely leading everyone...

So... [clears throat]

let us do exactly that
and bow our heads

in silent contemplation.

And lo,
another box was ticked.

Amen.

And finally, finally,

according to our attorney...

So what do you say,
live studio audience?

Do you profess your belief?
[audience cheers]

I said, do you profess
your belief tonight,

brothers and sisters?
[audience cheers louder]

Then there is only one thing
left for us to do!

Let's go to church.

[angelic music playing]

Brothers and sisters,
welcome to Our Lady
of Perpetual Exemption.

I am your mega-reverend...
[audience cheers]

Thank you,
brothers and sisters.

Your mega-reverend
and CEO, John Oliver.

And can I tell you,
I am so blessed tonight,

so blessed to be joined
by my radiant wife,

Wanda Jo Oliver.
Please welcome her.

Please welcome her.

Wanda Jo.

Wanda Jo, praise be.
Praise be.

Praise be. Praise be.
Praise be, Wanda Jo.

And... And praise be to all
of you watching us tonight

or joining us online at...

But most of all,
praise be to the IRS...
Oh yes.

...that most permissive
of government agencies.

Wanda Jo, I have heard
the word of prophecy.

Hallelujah!

What did it say, my John?

I'll tell ya.
I'll tell ya, my Wanda.

It says the viewers at home
must plant a seed!

A seed! An almighty seed!
Yes.

Preferably in
the form of cash,

although we do take checks.

It... it can be $5,

it can be $10,
it can be $77.

We need you to sow
your biggest seed!

That's... That's money!
Don't send us seed.

That's right, Wanda.

Please do not
send us actual seeds.

Because we ain't
interested in your seeds!

We ain't interested!
We ain't interested!

Please send us
your actual money

to this address
at the bottom of your screen.

If you do this--
and this is real--

great things will happen
to you and that's apparently

something I'm allowed to say.

Praise!

Praise legal!

Praise our tax attorney!

Praise loopholes and all

their blessed loopiness.

Let-- let me talk

to the brothers
and sisters at home.

Do you have debt?
Debt be gone!

Do... Do you have lupus?
A demon plague!

Touch-- Touch your hand
to the screen right now

and we shall cure it.

Touch your hand
to the screen right now.

Curse you!

Curse you, demon lupus!

Bedevil us no more!

Curse you, lupus!

You... You probably didn't
even know that you had lupus,

but you did,
but you don't anymore!

It's a miracle!
It's a miracle!

It's a miracle tonight!

It's a miracle!

Do not delay!

Call this actual
number right now...

...because amazingly,
all of this is.

This is all legal.

Call this toll-free number
and plant your seed!

Plant it deep in him.

Okay.

Plant your seed in his mouth!

Plant it all over his face!

Wanda, Wanda...

You keep it together, Wanda.

Keep it together.
Praise seed!

Praise seed!
Praise seed!

Call this number,
sow your seed,

and ye shall prosper!

Wanda, Wanda,
do you feel the spirit?

Do you feel the spirit?
Yes!

Do you feel the spirit?
I feel the spirit!

Do you feel
the spirit at home?

Call the number

on your screen right now!

Call this number! Call it!

Call the number.
Call it!

♪ Call the number
Call it!

On your screen!

Call! Actually do it!

Actually do it now!

Because if Robert Tilton,
Kenneth Copeland,

and all these pastors
can get away with it

and we get stopped,
truly we have witnessed
a f*cking miracle tonight!

Hallelujah!
That's our show.

Thanks to Wanda Jo!

Thanks for joining us!
Good night!

Good night!
Call us!

Give us money!

Give us money!

We want money.

We want money.

[gospel music playing]

[gospel style singing]

♪ Call this number
♪ Call the number

♪ On your screen,
on your screen ♪

Call the number.

Actually call now.

We want money.

♪ Dial your phone

♪ And plant your seed

♪ He wants money,
he wants money ♪

♪ With your seed,
with your seed ♪

♪ This is legal,
this is legal ♪