[theme music playing]
[cheering]
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!
Thank you so much
for joining us.
I'm John Oliver.
Just time for a quick
recap of the week,
and we begin in Michigan,
the giant hand
holding Detroit back
from trying to fight Canada.
This week, Michigan had
some political drama.
After a 14-hour session
at the state House,
Representatives Todd Courser
and Cindy Gamrat
are no longer in office.
Representative Courser
announced his resignation,
effective immediately.
This was at 3:12 this morning
during that marathon session.
And then,
just about an hour later,
the House voted to expel
Representative Gamrat.
Wow. Kicked out
of the state House
at 4:00 in the morning.
That is
the legislative equivalent
of throwing all their
shit out on the lawn.
And let me explain
to you why they did that.
It's because
these two staunch,
family-values Republicans
were f*cking each other,
and-- and according
to those in their office,
they were not being
that discreet about it.
There had been rumors about an
affair between the two of them
swirling around Lansing
for quite some time.
The staffers said that
they spent a lot of time
in their back offices,
which are shut off
from the rest of the office.
She would bring him a pillow
and tuck him in,
and a blanket.
They would take long walks
together during the day.
They would have
these long, personal,
romantic hugs during the day.
Okay, okay.
Two things there.
First, no hug is romantic.
A hug is a brief high-five
between two sets of ideally
disinterested genitals.
And second, did you just say
she would tuck him in?
Because that's gross.
Don't creep everyone out
with your weird
Christian-rock version
of infidelity.
Just... Just f*ck like
normal terrible people.
[cheers and applause]
Now, look, so far-- so far,
this is just
a run-of-the-mill sex scandal,
but this story starts to get
amazing when you learn how
Representative Courser
attempted to throw people
off the scent.
Newscaster: State Rep
Ted Courser admitted
to circulating
an anonymous email
claiming he had been caught
with a male prost*tute.
He did this apparently
in order to muddy the water
in case his affair
with a fellow state rep
was exposed.
It's true.
He sent an anonymous email
accusing himself
of a fake liaison
with a male prost*tute
so no one would believe
the real liaisons
he was having with
his own colleague.
That is the worst plan
I've ever heard,
and I'm including
trickle-down economics,
the pull-out method,
and the plot of
"The Parent Trap."
[cheers and applause]
Now... it gets better.
In his fake email,
Courser accuses himself of,
and I quote...
"...male on male paid for sex
behind a prominent
Lansing nightclub."
...which is
already magnificent.
Only the best
Lansing nightclub
for his fake gay hookup.
He then att*cks himself
for being
a bisexual,
porn-addicted sex deviant.
But it gets still better,
because the only reason
we know Courser
wrote the email
is that one of his aides
secretly recorded him
explaining his plan.
So, please enjoy
Todd Courser reading a draft
of his lurid email
to a bemused staffer.
I have to say,
Todd Courser may
have lost his job,
but he might have
a bright future
as a Midwestern
erotica author.
"His cock was hanging out
all over Lansing.
"His balls were as heavy
as the prize-winning pumpkins
at the Michigan State Fair,
"and she was as wet
as the waterwheel
at the Franklin Cider Mill.
Michigan."
Unbelievably, as a local
news station suggested,
this may not even be
the first time that Courser
has orchestrated
a poisonous attack on himself
for political gain.
Man: There are now
new allegations that Courser
put out an attack ad
that read "Is Todd Courser
a child molester?"
He allegedly did this
to gain sympathy votes
a week before
the primary elections.
W-W-W-What?
If that's true,
it's now not Todd Courser
that I'm worried about,
it's the Michigan voters
who saw that ad and thought,
"Well, any man who's been
falsely accused of child
molestation can't be all bad.
He's got my vote."
So, let's move on
to Guatemala,
a country you think about
so little, we're just going
to leave up a map
of Central America
and make you look up
which one it is.
Crack a book. I'm not
here to spoon-feed you
"What's Guatemala."
Last Sunday,
Guatemala had an election
under some
unusual circumstances.
Polls have opened in Guatemala
to elect a new president
after months
of political turmoil.
It follows weeks
of protests
and the resignation of
President Otto Pérez Molina,
who stepped down this week
and was subsequently jailed
on corruption charges.
That's right.
Their president
stepped down in shame
despite the fact he only had
four days left in office.
And usually, to leave office
so unceremoniously,
your cock has
to be hanging out
all over Lansing, Michigan.
Now, in this week's election,
no candidate got enough votes
to win outright,
but the leading vote-getter
was a bit of a surprise.
Woman: Ballot counting
went on overnight
and showed
a wealthy businessman
and a former first lady
both trailing former
TV comic Jimmy Morales,
who has never held
political office.
Man: What you're
seeing there is his days
of playing the character
of a countryman
who almost became president.
It was a role he played.
Hey, I have absolutely
no problem with that.
Playing a role is as good
as real-world experience.
That is why,
if our planet is
ever threatened,
we should send
Bruce Willis into space.
In fact, even if our planet
isn't threatened,
we should send
Bruce Willis into space.
That's the plan.
Now, there is going to be
a run-off election
in Guatemala in October,
but the people there seem
less than optimistic
about their future.
[speaking Spanish]
Translator: I'm voting,
but at the same time,
I don't agree with any
of the proposals put forward
by the candidates.
[speaks Spanish]
The only thing my family asks
is that the new president is
not as bad as the last one.
Ooh! Those are
some low standards.
In fact, one of Jimmy Morales'
actual campaign slogans was
"Neither corrupt nor a thief."
And it seems Guatemalans'
standard for presidents
have now fallen
to the level
of what Americans ask
of a Craigslist roommate.
"Look, just don't
steal my shit,
"and I will
pretend not to notice
that you watch me sleeping.
That's all I ask for."
And finally tonight, the UK,
the only two letters
that promise
more iciness and bad food
than these two.
Now, this week,
the United Kingdom experienced
a moment of history.
Well, a lifetime
achievement today
for Queen Elizabeth.
She is now Britain's
longest-serving monarch.
That's right.
Elizabeth II has the title
of longest-serving queen.
Although the title
of fiercest queen
still goes to New York's
own Kelsey Glamour.
You go, Kelsey!
You own that stage!
The queen marked
her special day
by opening
a train line in Scotland,
which one correspondent
used a little too well
as a metaphor for what
she has actually achieved.
Newscaster: While the train
used to inaugurate
the new line was
a rolling anachronism,
she, somehow,
at 89 years old, is not.
But this day wasn't
about a train.
It was about a queen who
just keeps chugging along.
[laughter]
Ooh!
Ooh! You cannot compare
Queen Elizabeth to a train.
For one thing,
people need trains.
Trains still serve
a practical purpose
in the modern era.
You're being mean to trains.
And that was actually
the second most
inadvertently dismissive thing
that reporter said.
In 63 years,
you learn a thing or two
about how to do it.
If the requirement
is to be seen,
wear bright clothes
and a big hat,
and try to look like
you're enjoying yourself.
[laughter]
She's standing
right behind you!
I know it's hard to tell,
because she's pointless,
but still!
Now, I will say,
for the record,
she has not done
too well over the years
in the whole "try to
look like you're enjoying
yourself" department.
Her resting expression
is total contempt.
But you cannot deny,
she has worn the shit
out of a lot of hats,
from this one which resembles
the bat mitzvah cake
of Scarsdale's
youngest Prince fan,
to this one,
which is what a Las Vegas
birthday party clown
would wear to space church...
[laughter]
to this one,
apparently constructed
from the receipts
of all the stupid hats
she's ever bought
fashioned into
an even stupider hat.
Essentially,
what I'm saying is,
congratulations,
Your Majesty.
You have spent
that could've effectively
been done just as well
by a Styrofoam mold
of a human head.
And now this.
♪
[announcer speaking]
A baby Smurf's
uncircumcised penis,
what mold thinks about
when it masturbates,
the exact thing a 19th-century
French prost*tute
would wear
to Tim Burton's funeral,
a hairball
vomited up by Britain's
least-healthy cat,
a dollop of sour cream
attending the Academy Awards,
a penis that's literally died
of embarrassment,
and fettuccine Alfredo.
[cheers, applause]
Moving on.
Our main story tonight--
Our main story tonight
concerns public defenders,
the only people
who appear in court
more frequently
than former child stars.
Even if you have
never come into contact
with a public defender,
you will know them
from their important cameo
in the Miranda warning speech.
You have the right
to remain silent.
You have
the right to an attorney.
You have the right
to an attorney.
You have
the right to an attorney.
You have the right
to an attorney.
You have
the right to an attorney.
What is this shit?
You have the right
to an attorney.
If you can't afford
an attorney,
we will provide you
with the dumbest f*cking
lawyer on Earth!
I have the right
to an attorney, too, pal!
And if I can't afford one,
one must be provided
for me by the court!
Yes, apparently,
even Garfield knows
he has the right
to a public defender.
And he's going
to need one, too,
because he just
m*rder*d a lasagna.
And a person.
The right to a lawyer
is a pillar
of American jurisprudence,
but it's a right that
we've only had since 1963
when the Supreme Court
unanimously ruled
that "any person who is
too poor to hire a lawyer
"cannot be assured
a fair trial"
unless a lawyer
is provided for him.
It's an idea so obvious,
you can't believe
there was ever a time
that we didn't have it,
like corn-on-the-cob holders
that are shaped like
corn on the cobs.
No one should ever have had
to come up with those.
They're essential to
the fabric of American life.
The problem is
our public defender system
is currently
massively overburdened.
Depending on the jurisdiction,
anywhere from 60-90%
of criminal defendants need
a publicly-funded attorney,
and the system is creaking
under that weight.
Woman: Right now there are
about 20 public defenders
handling up to 250 cases.
Man: In New Orleans,
for example,
each public defender handles
roughly 350 cases a year.
Man 2: Public defenders
in Fresno County
often work on
a thousand cases a year
when state guidelines say,
they shouldn't be doing
more than 150.
A thousand cases in a year.
That's nearly
three cases per day.
Those are Gerard Depardieu
wine consumption numbers.
At breakfast.
And with caseloads that heavy,
public defenders
cannot possibly prepare
an effective defense.
A study in New Orleans
a few years back
found that the city had
some part-time defenders
who could
only spend an average
of seven minutes per case,
and that is not long enough
to prepare anything.
If I only had seven minutes
to prepare this show,
I definitely would
not be talking about
public defenders right now.
I'd be desperately
trying to fill time
by listing the Muppets
in order of fuckability.
And I'll do it now.
Fozzie first, obviously.
Obviously,
you go Fozzie first.
Most attractive thing
is a sense of humor.
Then you've
got to go Rowlf.
You've got to go Rowlf.
Then you know what?
I'm going Swedish Chef,
and I'm finishing up
with Sam the Eagle,
'cause you know he's
into some freaky business.
[laughter, applause]
Freaky. And look,
this is just the beginning
of the problem.
Some places don't even have
a public defender's office,
and some counties just
contract cases out in bulk
to the lowest bidder.
And at its worst...
this can result
in a system known
as "meet 'em and plead 'em,"
where the vast majority
of defendants plead out
and never even go to trial.
state and federal,
are resolved
by plea bargaining.
Now, just think about that.
About 95% of criminal cases
never make it to trial.
If "Law & Order"
reflected reality,
their episodes
would be pretty short.
It'd basically just be,
"How does your client plead?"
"Guilty, Your Honor,"
and then this.
["Law & Order"
theme music playing]
And as a viewer,
you would justifiably feel
cheated by that.
And look, it is easy
not to care about this.
It's easy to assume
that if someone is
being represented
by a public defender,
they're probably guilty,
but many are not,
and some only plead
because they feel they have
no alternative.
Look at Erma Faye Stewart.
She was arrested
in a drug sweep
but claimed she was innocent.
She faced a 10-year sentence
and was stuck in jail
because she couldn't
afford bail.
She said her
court-appointed lawyer
urged her to take a plea deal
and she reluctantly agreed.
I asked him,
"Listen now, you know...
"you know, I can plead
for a five-year probation.
"You know, just... just let me
go home to my kid."
She admitted to a crime
she denies committing
just to spend time
with her children.
That is horrifying,
especially because I would
be willing to commit a crime
just to not have to
spend time with any children.
They are loud cesspools
of bacteria with nothing
interesting to say.
Oh, you want to grow up
and be a princess?
I'll tell you what happens
to princesses, Ashley.
Google "Diana plus truth."
Do it. Do it.
Google it.
Google it.
Google it, Ashley.
Open your eyes!
Being a princess
ain't fun, Ashley!
Now, after Erma pled guilty,
the prosecution's
case collapsed,
and the other defendants
who didn't take a plea deal
had their charges dropped,
but Erma could not
take her plea back.
So, she had to spend
five years on probation
during which she was
ineligible for some form
of public assistance
and wound up homeless.
And that is the problem
with a system that can allot
as little as seven minutes
to helping people
make decisions
that can affect you
for the rest of your life.
Our public defender system
is dangerously
under-resourced.
One report found out
that 40% of all county-based
public defenders
have no investigators
on staff.
That's 40% of lawyers
forced to sit
at their desks googling,
"Where to get
exonerating evidence?"
and hitting
"I'm feeling lucky."
And the offices
those desks are in
could potentially
lack basic standards
of workplace
health and safety.
Tough to do your job
when you're competing
with countless roaches
crawling around your office,
but that is
the work environment
endured by
employees at Augusta's
public defender's office.
It's so bad that the office
had to close early today.
And this infestation
is nothing new.
No, it's been going on
for four years.
That office is getting
to a point where roaches
are outnumbering the lawyers.
And unless one of those
roaches happens to have
a law degree from
the University of Roachester
and can help
take on some clients,
that's going to be a problem.
As for New Orleans,
their public defender's office
has actually put up
a crowd-funding page
to help make up
their budget shortfall,
and it's currently only
raised 19% of its goal.
And look,
nobody should be in jail
because a Kickstarter
didn't meet its goal.
If anything, some people
should be in jail
because a Kickstarter
did meet its goal,
like this one for
an actual giant inflatable
Lionel Richie head.
[laughter]
You two gentlemen
should be locked up
all night long.
All night, all night,
all night long.
Al night, all night,
hey, jamba, jamba.
Hey, jamba, jamba.
But despite all these
enormous challenges,
there are still
some amazing lawyers,
like Travis Williams.
He frames every acquittal
and puts it on his wall,
but guess where
he puts his losses.
I'm gonna get the last name
of every case I've lost
tattooed on my back.
Right now it's only five,
and, hopefully, it won't get--
Hopefully, I won't
fill my back up.
That's the goal.
But since the wins
go on the wall,
I decided the losses
have to go somewhere,
and they'll go on my back,
'cause they're gonna
be with me forever.
He tattoos
the names of the cases
he's lost on his back.
That is a truly heroic lawyer.
He's like Atticus Finch,
only real and not, as it
turns out, a horrible r*cist.
Screw you, Finchy!
Go f*ck a mockingbird!
[laughter]
The point is,
many public defenders
do heroic work
despite facing overwhelming
institutional obstacles,
including this
incredible incident
involving a Florida judge.
[judge speaking]
[lawyer speaks]
[judge speaks]
Let's go, right now.
[chattering]
[shouting, fighting]
Now, that is
clearly a disgrace,
although I will say,
fights like that would make
jury duty
a lot more interesting.
Your Honor,
we've reached a verdict.
We find the proceedings
to be f*cking awesome!
Incidentally, that judge
returned to the courtroom
and called seven cases
without the public defender
being present,
and he's still on the bench.
And look, a bad judge
can come and go--
as the head
of programming at
NBC will tell you--
but access to a lawyer
is supposed to be
a constitutional right,
and it is increasingly
under threat.
For instance, in four states,
you can make
so little that you qualify
for food stamps
but still not be poor enough
to get state-funded
representation.
And in at least 43 states,
you can be billed
for a public defender,
meaning in these states,
we have a system where,
conceivably, if you cannot
afford an attorney,
one will be
provided for you,
provided that you pay
that attorney,
which is absurd!
You can't tell people
something's free
and then charge them for it.
This is
the American judicial system,
not Candy Crush.
And for what this can
look like on a human level,
meet Larry Thompson.
In 2010, he was arrested
in Florida for driving
with a revoked license,
which was a felony charge
because he'd had multiple
driving violations before.
Larry was sent
to jail where he applied
for a public defender,
which in Florida,
incredibly, requires
a $50 application fee.
He couldn't afford
to pay that or his bail,
so he was stuck
in jail for 59 days,
at which point he gave up
and pled no contest
to get out,
and was released
on time served.
But, in Florida,
if you use a public defender
and are found guilty,
even by plea, you then owe
attorney's fees and costs
regardless of
your ability to pay.
So, Larry now owed
not just the $50 public
defender application fee,
but also an extra
$100 fee for having used
the public defender
and even another fee of $100
to pay
the prosecution's costs,
which is like a bully
taking your lunch money
and then charging you
an additional lunch-money
reallocation fee.
But they still weren't done.
On top of those
and other fees for the crime
he pled no contest to,
the court then added
partial-payment fees
each month
for the next several months,
bringing Larry's tab to $675.
And that all brings us
to about a month ago,
when Larry was
actually arrested
for contempt of court
as a result of not
paying those fees--
an arrest, incidentally,
for which they charged him
a $210 administrative fee.
At this point,
they may as well have just
slapped on an irony fee
for good measure,
'cause it turns out
having no money in Florida
can be really
f*cking expensive.
Oh, and one more thing,
when they arrested Larry:
He was receiving
hospice care for a terminal
pulmonary condition
and was so ill,
the jail was forced
to send him to the hospital
where he was watched
by two guards
and chained by his ankles
to his hospital bed.
Luckily, he was
eventually released,
and his debt
was paid by donors
who had heard his story,
but he still, understandably,
could not quite believe
what had just
happened to him.
I never knew they--
they would
actually arrest
a person in my condition
for not being able
to pay money,
because I have to pay rent.
So, I can't see them
keep arresting me
over and over,
but take me back to jail
and charge me 250 more dollars
that I have to agree to
or else I'm sitting in jail,
when I can't get oxygen
in jail like I need it.
So, they actually
issuing me a disservice.
None of this makes any sense.
It doesn't even
make fiscal sense,
because the state of Florida
did collect the $885
in fines that Larry owed them,
but in doing that, they spent
thousands of dollars
needlessly imprisoning him,
and, surely, Florida could've
used that money
for something they badly need,
like-- I don't know--
rehab programs
for meth-addicted
swamp raccoons.
[hisses, sniffles]
I'm assuming, accurately.
But...
[laughter]
But the point is,
the Supreme Court gave
everyone the fundamental right
to an attorney,
even if you can't afford one,
we now have a system where
the most vulnerable people
are potentially being
charged for access
to a hideously
broken system.
And we either need to fix that
or at the very least update
the Miranda warning
in our cop shows
to reflect reality.
♪
[siren wails]
[tires screech]
Hey, freeze!
You have the right
to remain silent.
You have the right
to remain silent.
You have the right
to remain silent.
Anything you say
can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
You have the right
to an attorney.
If you cannot
afford an attorney...
One will be provided for you.
I get it.
Hey! We're not done!
I'm not done.
I'm not finished.
That attorney may have
he or she is working on.
That's not a joke.
Literally, 300 other cases.
They could potentially have
a total of seven minutes
to prepare your defense.
Do you know how short
seven minutes is?
Do you know how
short seven minutes is?
Billy Joel's "Scenes
from an Italian Restaurant"
is 37 seconds longer
than that.
♪ Bottle of red
[whistles tune]
That attorney...
That attorney...
That attorney
may be exhausted,
unable to think straight.
That attorney is likely
to be grossly underpaid...
Or working in an office
crawling with cockroaches.
You know what really blows?
That attorney may pressure you
to take a guilty plea.
Statistically...
Statistically...
Statistically, there's
a 90-plus percent chance
that you will take
that guilty plea.
That attorney may
get challenged to a fight
in a hallway by a judge.
That happened.
Guess where.
I don't know.
Guess!
Come on, guess.
Florida?
Of course it was Florida.
How could it not be Florida?
And another thing...
One more thing.
That attorney that
was provided for you
may not be free.
If you lose,
you may have to pay 'em.
You might even have
to pay the prosecutor.
Is that constitutional?
It's constitutional as f*ck!
You piece of shit!
And all this assumes
that we can even pay
for that lawyer.
How's the Kickstarter
campaign doing?
Let's see.
Uh, no, not even close.
Not good. Not good at all.
Now, do you understand
your rights as I have
explained them to you?
No.
What?
No.
Basically...
you're f*cked.
[cheers, applause]
And now this.
♪
[announcer speaking]
[organ music playing]
Greetings, brothers
and sisters.
Praise be unto you.
It is I,
Mega Reverend John Oliver,
and I am joined
by my bewitching wife,
Wanda Jo.
Praise be.
Praise be.
Praise be, Wanda.
Now, just a few weeks ago,
Wanda Jo and I spoke to you
from these very chairs,
and we asked you
to sow a seed of faith
and donate to our church.
And like God
and the story of Noah,
you took one look
at what we wrought
and you done made it rain.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Indeed. Behold the bounty
that you have sown upon us.
You sent in--
and this is true--
tens of thousands
of dollars,
mostly in single dollar bills,
which was a little annoying.
This ain't a strip club.
Exactly. Exactly.
We ain't running
a change machine
in a laundromat!
Testify.
Yes.
However, I am sorry
to report to you that tonight,
we are closing down
the church.
[audience groans]
Not-- No, no, no.
Not because we have to.
We have still
not broken any laws
by promising you
untold riches in return
for sending us money.
It's a miracle!
It's a miracle.
We are also
not closing down
because you kept
sending us actual seeds,
even though
we explicitly
told you not to.
[laughs]
We ain't interested
in your seeds!
That's right.
Nor are we closing down
because someone
sent us 12 bobbleheads
of Minnesota Timberwolves'
flameout Jonny Flynn,
which-- let's be honest--
is at least 11 too many.
The T-wolves had Ricky Rubio.
What did they need another
point guard for?
That's a solid
basketball point, Wanda.
Honestly.
And for the record,
it also has absolutely
nothing to do
with the fact that
someone sent a T-shirt
reading "John Oliver Is
a Rat Faced Bastard."
Which-- I'll be honest--
is starting to hurt
my feelings a bit.
It ain't a rat face.
Thank you, Wanda.
It's more like a vole face.
What?
Or a-- or a parrot,
or a marginally
handsome weasel.
Thank you, Wanda,
you're very kind.
We're not even shutting down
because someone sent
this four-foot carved
wooden penis
with a sign attached to it,
reading,
"Rub this for
the seed you seek!"
No. That's not even why.
The reason we are
shutting this church down
is we received
a different kind of seed.
We received--
and this is all too true--
not one, not two,
not three,
but four packages containing
jars and/or vials of semen.
And some looked fake,
but others did not.
[laughter]
We live our lives
by one hard and fast rule:
When someone sends you
jizz through the mail,
it's time to stop doing
whatever you're doing.
Testify to that, Wanda.
So, we are
shutting this shit down.
Shut it down, boys.
Shut this shit down.
Shut it down. Shut it down.
And I'll tell you why.
Because setting up churches
is all fun and games
until someone gets sperm
in an envelope.
We don't want your
homemade Go-Gurt!
Uh-uh. No.
We do not want
your Penis Grigio!
Exactly.
No, no, leave this.
I'm keeping this one.
And this is why--
Just shut it down.
This is why you cannot
have nice things.
Shut it down.
So we are shuttering up
Our Lady--
[music stops]
Wow-- Our Lady
of Perpetual Exemption,
and we will be giving
all the money
to Doctors Without Borders.
And why are
we doing this, Wanda?
No. No. No, no.
Leave it alone. It's mine.
We're doing this 'cause
we ain't interested
in your seed!
We ain't interested
in your seed!
Exactly. All of this is over!
Do not send us
anything anymore.
If you want to send money
to a fake church,
send it to Scientology.
Now, that's our show.
[cheers, applause]
We'll be back
in two weeks' time.
Good night!
[theme music playing]
No, no! You're not
taking this. No.
It's constitutional as f*ck,
you piece of shit.
It's constitutional
as f*ck, you piece of shit.
Oh, it is constitutional
as f*ck.
It's constitutional as f*ck!
It's constitutional as f*ck,
you piece of shit!
Oh, it's constitutional
as f*ck, you piece of shit.
[cheers, applause]
[cheers, applause continuing]
02x27 - Public defenders in the United States
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.