02x28 - European migrant crisis

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

[cheers and applause]

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight"!

Thank you so much
for joining us.

I'm John Oliver. Just time--
Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin with the pope,

the only person on Earth
who can pull off
a white cape, Gwyneth.

[laughter]
He's the only one.

You look like a photo negative
of Darth Vader.

Anyway, the pope was
in the United States
this week,

speaking before Congress,
visiting the UN,

riding through Central Park,
going to Philly
for no clear reason,

and-- and encountering
adoring crowds everywhere.

Man: Thousands greeted
Pope Francis as he arrived

in New York
yesterday afternoon,

lining the roadways
through Manhattan,

waving flags and banners,

raising their cell phones
for a picture.

Yes, everywhere he went,
it seems people in America

wanted to show the pope
their new iPhones.

"Look!
Look, look, Holy Father!

"It's the iPhone 6s!
I've got it!

"It comes in rose gold,
and it has an A9 chip!

"The iPhone 6 only had
an A8 chip, Your Holiness!

"Please, touch my phone
so the battery may have
everlasting life!

[laughter, cheers]
"Please, please!"

This-- This was a truly
historic trip for the pope,

not least because
he was directly responsible
for a miracle.

Just watch how his arrival
was reported on MSNBC.

[majestic music plays]

Good day. I'm Brian Williams
at MSNBC headquarters,
here in New York.

Holy shit! He brought
Brian Williams back
from the dead?

Oh my-- It's a miracle!

Although, you know what?

I will say, hearing
Brian Williams report
something now

is like reading about it
in the New Testament.

I-- I believe a man named
Pope Francis exists,

but a lot of the details
were probably embellished.

And-- And for a man
who has been off the air
for so long,

he spent a long time obsessing
over one particular detail.

Williams: The magic of that,
that face and that smile
and his touch...

His sense of touch...

The power of his touch...

The yearning to touch him...

This very tactile pope...

...tactile pope...

Her lips said "I love you"
when she met the pope.
So tactile.

[laughter, applause]

I think--

I think Brian Williams
wants to pet the pope.

[laughter]
I think he does.

There is no doubt the pope
seems to inspire

strange and powerful reactions
wherever he goes,

but the strangest one
this week may have come
from Congressman Bob Brady.

Man: The democrat watched
as the pope addressed

the joint session
of Congress Thursday,

and then proceeded to take
his unfinished glass of water

once the pontiff left
the chamber.

He took a sip before carrying
the glass back to his office.

He plans on blessing
his grandchildren
with the rest of the water.

[laughter]

He drank the pope's water.

I don't mean
to be disrespectful,

but I'm pretty sure
that is not part
of the Catholic faith.

For the record,
that is not holy water
that you're slopping down

and pouring
over your grandchildren.

It is the backwash
from an old Argentinian man.

That is what you have there.
That is what you have.

Let's-- So let's move on...

Let's move on
to the United Kingdom,
Europe's America.

All this week the UK
has been captivated
by revelations

in a new, unauthorized
biography of Prime Minister
David Cameron.

And if you're thinking,
"What about David Cameron

"could possibly
be captivating?"

Well, just wait.

Man: There are allegations
the young David Cameron

smoked cannabis
at Oxford University,

and even that
he took part

in a bizarre
initiation ceremony

for a dining club
involving a pig.

Oh. "Bizarre" is
a kind way of describing it,

because the actual allegation
is that a dead pig's head

was resting in the lap
of a dining club member

and then, and I quote...

Yes. This book actually
contains a claim

that David Cameron,
Prime Minister of the UK,

once put his d*ck
in a dead pig's mouth.

And look, look,
this is just the word
of a single source

published in
an unauthorized biography.

We do not know
if this is true.

But please,
please let it be true,

because a prime minister
receiving oral copulation

from a dead pig hits
the perfect sweet spot

between one of the most
horrific things ever

and one of the most
amazing things ever.

And again, again,
this is based on
a single source,

and even the co-author's
rationale for including it
is a little thin.

We did think about whether
we should put it in or not,

and in the end,
it made us smile.

[laughter]

I have to say,
"We thought about whether
to put it in or not,

"but in the end,
it made us smile,"

really sounds like something
David Cameron would say

after sticking
his d*ck in a dead pig.

If he did.
If he did.

Which he definitely did.

I honestly
don't want to look
into this story too closely

in case it falls apart,
but to ignore it

simply because
it might not be true

is to look a gift horse
in the mouth.

A mouth tenderly wrapped
around the thrusting penis

of British Prime Minister
David Cameron.

And it's made
even better by the fact

that it's almost impossible
to discuss this story
on television

even though many people
have very clearly wanted to.

The lurid allegations
that are made in this book,

and we can't explicitly
talk about them,

obviously, because
of the time of day.

...the pig and what did
or didn't happen.

And now they've turned--

Woman: Enough said, I think.
Don't you?

Well, I could say
a lot more on that.

Enough said.

Do you anticipate many leaving
to join the Lib Dems?

Dan: Well, I think
you also have this issue

of the prime minister
putting his cock

in a dead pig's mouth.

Oh, okay, Dan.
Dan, do you know what, mate?

One, it's an allegation.

Two, your choice of language
in referring to that

I think far goes beyond
what is permitted

at this time of the day.

Okay, but in
that caller's defense,

"putting his cock
in a dead pig's mouth"

probably is the politest
possible way to say it.

Consider the alternatives.

"David Cameron
was sucked and f*cked
by a Christmas ham."

Is that better?
Is that better?

"David Cameron received
an unenthusiastic blowie
from one-third of a BLT."

Do you prefer that?
You tell me a delicate way
to put this.

I'm not kidding.
Go on Twitter right now

and tell the British media
a more delicate way to put it,
using the hashtag...

Do it. Have it.
Have at it, Internet.

And finally-- finally,

let's move on--
let's move on to cars,

the smartest characters in
the "Fast & Furious" movies.

This week,
German automaker Volkswagen

found itself in the middle
of a scandal of potentially
criminal proportions.

Volkswagen is bracing
for billions in fines,

possible criminal charges
for its executives

as the company apologizes
for rigging 11 million cars

to help it beat
emissions tests.

Man: Certain diesel models
were designed

with sophisticated software
that used information,

including the position
of the steering wheel

and vehicle speed to determine

the car was undergoing
emissions testing.

Under that circumstance,

the engine would reduce
toxic emissions,

but the car was rigged
to bypass that

when it was being driven.

Emissions increased


above acceptable
EPA levels.

Wow. 10 to 40 times greater
than the EPA allows.

"That is the worst thing
Volkswagen has ever done"

is something you might say
if you'd never heard
of World w*r II.

But maybe the surest sign

of how much trouble
Volkswagen is in

is that people at the very top
have stepped down.

The CEO resigned
on Wednesday after scrambling
to do damage control,

saying he was
"endlessly sorry,"

which sounded great
until it turned out

he was only 10% sorry
but had rigged his mouth

to artificially inflate
his sorriness.

And meanwhile,
Volkswagen's US chief
had an apology of his own.

Let's be clear about this.

Our company was dishonest.

And in my German words,
"We have totally screwed up."

Yeah, but "totally screwed up"
are not German words.

And the German language
has many beautiful phrases

to describe situations
just like this, such as...

[speaks German]

...which means, roughly,
"the sadness that comes
from business-related lies."

Or...

...which translates
as shaming one's father,
involving clouds of gasoline.

It's a beautiful language.
It just sails off the tongue.

And by he way,
while that man's apology
may have sounded sincere,

it's worth noting
he was speaking
at an official launch party

for the 2016
Volkswagen Passat,

meaning that shortly
after saying sorry,
he said this.

Thank you very much
for coming.

Enjoy the evening.
Up next is Lenny Kravitz!

[singing]

Okay, okay,
ending your apology
with "Up next, Lenny Kravitz,"

does not scream
"sober contrition."

It screams
"We asked Bon Jovi,
and he said no."

Volkswagen's brand
has been badly damaged,

and frankly, their new
ad campaign is not
exactly helping.

Announcer: Guten Tag.
We at Volkswagen would
like to apologize

for deceiving you
with our vehicles,

which is why the 2015 Jetta
now comes fully loaded

with new,
not-at-all-fraudulent features

such as golden brakes,

the ability to feel
human emotions

and a stylish interior

made of 100% ravens' beaks
and pterodactyl skin.

Plus, in a brand-new feature,

if you drive
a Jetta off the side
of the Golden Gate Bridge,

you will not die.
That's a Volkswagen guarantee.

And if it's speed
you're looking for,

the 2015 Jetta contains
a powerful 2.0 liter

TDI clean diesel engine
that will suck your d*ck.

You heard me right.

The Jetta will bring
your engorged genitals

to a shattering climax.

Also-- and we really
mean it this time--

the Jetta is very good
for the environment

And even if it isn't,
remember-- it sucks your d*ck.

And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Lenny Kravitz.

♪ I want to get away,
I want to get away ♪

Yeah!
Announcer: Volkswagen.

Moving on.
Moving on. Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns Europe.

You know, that thing
Belgium is in.

If you've watched
the news at all lately,

you cannot
have missed what has
been happening there.

Europe's migrant crisis is
getting worse by the day.

A migrant crisis spiraling
out of control.

Man: Hundreds of thousands
of asylum seekers are
risking everything.

Woman: A human wave washing up
over Europe's southern shores.

Man 2: Hundreds of thousands
of migrants have streamed
into Europe,

the largest influx there
since the end of World w*r II.

Wow. The largest since
the end of World w*r II,

and remember,
millions of people back then

were searching both
for a better life

and for the booth
where it was rumored
you could slap dead Hitler.

And look,
the scale of this story

can be hard to get
your head around.

Hundreds of thousands
of people are on the move
just within Europe,

and another four million
are being hosted in Turkey,
Lebanon, and Jordan.

And when numbers
get that high,

they can be hard
to comprehend.

It's like when
someone tells you the size

of the audience
of "NCIS: New Orleans."


How's that even possible?

How many navy-based crimes
could there possibly be
in New Orleans?

This doesn't make any sense!

And when you are
dealing with a mass
of people that large,

you really want to be
a little careful with
how you describe them.

Unfortunately, David Cameron,

noted alleged
swine-fellatio enthusiast,

recently referred to...

And that language matters,
because a swarm of anything

sounds terrifying,
no matter what it is.

If I hear there are a lot
of kittens coming my way,

I'm going to be delighted.

But if I hear
there is a swarm
of kittens approaching,

I'm grabbing a shotgun,
and I'm getting
to high ground,

'cause I'm not going
to let those furry f*ckers
take me alive.

And here...

And... And here in the US,

some in the media
have chosen to reduce

the migrant population
to one simple stereotype.

A new video surfaces online

showing why some are worried

Europe is opening its doors

to potential t*rrorists.

Allahu Akbar!

Crowd: Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar!

Crowd: Allahu Akbar!

Woman: Those are reportedly
Muslim refugees

on a train in Europe

chanting "Allah Akbar,"
or "God is great."

Now, to be clear, we're not
saying that any of those
people are t*rrorists

or are in any way affiliated
with a terror group,

but it does highlight just how
many of these refugees

who are fleeing v*olence
in Iraq and Syria

are Muslim.

Okay. Okay. First,

you don't get to claim
that you're not calling
those people t*rrorists

when your lower third says,
"t*rrorists inbound?"

If you're really not saying
they're t*rrorists,

maybe change that
to something more accurate,
like, "People take train."

Or "Some wear hats,
others less so."

And second,
describing that as a new video

that sheds light
on the migrant crisis
is a little misleading,

because in researching
this story, we found a version
of that same video

uploaded onto YouTube
back in 2010,

well before
this migrant crisis
even began.

And if you are going to use
misleading old footage

to try and make people
frightened of Muslims,
why stop there?

Just go the whole way and use
a clip from "True Lies."

Woman: Now, to be clear,
we're not saying that

any of those people
are t*rrorists

or are in any way affiliated
with a terror group,

but it does highlight just how
many of these refugees

who are fleeing v*olence
in Iraq and Syria are Muslim.

That's-- That's only
about 10% more r*cist
than what you did.

So, let's just
take a step back,

because for the record,
these people are coming
from many different countries

and fleeing
everything from civil w*r
to economic stagnation.

And while each story
is unique, many of them
are heartbreaking.

Man: Noujain is 16
and from Kobani in Syria,

disabled from birth,
she cannot walk,

and made
the dangerous crossing
from Turkey last week.

I've been trying
many things

for the first time
during this journey,

like a train and a ship.

So... I just enjoyed it.
I didn't--

You enjoyed it?
Yeah.

You're the first person
I've met who said that.

But to understand why,
you must know the world
she escaped from.

Imagine you're 16
and you're always

afraid to be dead
at any minute.

What is your dream?

I have to be an astronaut,
to go out and see

and find an alien. Yes.
[both laugh]

So... I want
to meet the queen.

[laughs]
Yes.

Oh, I think that girl
absolutely deserves to meet
an alien and the queen,

and also, if she has time,
a real human with feelings.

But unfortunately
for Noujain

and so many like her,
Europe has yet to create

an effective system
to process this
influx of people.

Every country
has a different
application process,

and some are
totally overwhelmed
and underfunded.

We actually got
our hands on a couple
of registration forms

that were given
to refugees upon arrival.

This one was handed
to a Syrian asylum seeker

arriving in Greece
on September the 5th.

It tells him to return
for registration

on December the 21st,

and that could be
a tricky three-month wait,

because he's not allowed
to work in that time.

And yet, that is nothing
compared to this form

given to an Iraqi refugee
in Turkey

telling him to come back
on June 15th of 2017,

which sounds bad
before you notice

the pink sticky note
added at the bottom

clarifying that his
actual date will be
February 19th, 2020!

And that is ridiculous.

These people can't go
five years without working.

They're refugees,
not Renée Zellweger.

And facing
that kind of limbo,

it's no wonder
refugees want to try
to push deeper into Europe,

and many of them
are heading

for one surprising country
in particular

that seems
to actually want them.

Woman: They keep coming,
thousands every day,

at the main train station
in Munich,

often greeted
by applauding locals

or welcoming volunteers.

It's no wonder that Germany
is the preferred destination

for so many refugees.

That's right. Amazingly,
one of the warmest welcomes

on offer to immigrants
comes from Germany,

a country whose idea
of a bedtime story

is two children being left
to die in the forest

before being
nearly cooked and eaten,

and then murdering
an old woman.

Sleep well.

Unfortunately,
many politicians

in other countries
than Germany

have been
actively hostile

to anyone even considering
settling within their borders.

No way. You will not make
the Netherlands home.

Please don't come.
It's risky to come.

We can't guarantee that
you will be accepted here.

Woman 2: The Danish government
has published these ads

in a number
of Lebanese newspapers.

The text is obviously
written in Arabic,

and it's telling migrants,
"Don't come to Denmark,"

highlighting the tough
regulations and constraints
that await them there.

That's right.
Denmark is so adverse
to taking people in,

it's basically
placing intentionally-
missed-connections ads

in other countries.

Perfect! Send.

But even Denmark's
approach seems friendly

next to the video
apparently produced

by the mayor
of Asotthalom in Hungary,

showing exactly how
he and his police forces

would prevent migrants
from coming to his town.

[speaking foreign language]

[dramatic music playing]

Okay. Okay,
a few things there.

First, you can add
as much scary music
as you want.

There is nothing imposing
about one van driving alone
on a country road.

The only message that
that is sending
to migrants is,

"Make sure you wait
for that one van to pass by."

And second of all, Mr. Mayor,
you do realize

that border police
and nightclub bouncers are
not the same thing, right?

You look like
you're about to throw
someone out of Hungary

'cause they didn't bring
enough hot girls with them.

And that mayor
is no outlier.

Hungary has been
responsible for some

of the ugliest mistreatment
of refugees in Europe.

Man: Disturbing cell phone
video appears to show migrants

at the main refugee camp here
being fed

like a herd of caged animals
in a holding pen.

Man 2:
It's a shocking video

that has
garnered attention
from around the world.

As waves of desperate migrants

sprint from a holding camp
in Hungary,

a camerawoman appears
to trip a man

running with his child
in his arms.

The woman
also kicks other
migrants as they run,

including a young girl.

Now, the camerawoman
is out of a job.

Oh, I'm sorry.
She lost her job?

That's absolutely terrible.

Don't worry. I'm sure
she can find a new one
on ActualMonster.com.

To be fair, she later
apologized, saying...

...which I can only presume
means she's a loving,

accepting,
children-kicking
camerawoman,

because the children-kicking
part is not really up
for debate anymore.

And even those countries who
are offering to take refugees

are sometimes making
those offers in the most
insultingly selective way.

Man: Slovakians saying that

they're only gonna give
asylum to Christians.

They don't want
Muslims, uh, migrants

coming into the country--
Muslim asylum seekers--

not least because they
haven't got any mosques.

Oh, I'm sorry, Slovakia.

You can't take Muslims in
because you don't have
any mosques.

You do know
you can build those, right?

Mosques don't naturally
occur in the wild

due to erosion
or particularly
devout beavers.

Muslims-- Muslims can
live anywhere

that other humans can live.

Muslims are not
like dolphins trying

to resettle
in Scottsdale, Arizona.

And when refugees
are not being excluded
on the basis of religion,

they're being accused
of being lazy freeloaders.

Just listen to one
Polish MEP address
the European Parliament.

[speaking foreign language]

Translator: If we
abolished all benefits,

then people who don't
want to work

and want to live from benefits

wouldn't come to Poland
and the rest of Europe.

People who want
to work are precious,

however, they are sent back,

and we accept only those
who don't want to work.

It's ridiculous policy,

leading to invasion
of human trash.

Let us be clear.
Human trash.

Human garbage that doesn't
want to work.

"Human garbage"?

Those are some
pretty strong words

coming from the Polish
Six-Flags guy.

And what he said
is not just offensive,
it's also wrong.

Research has shown
that while there is

some small cost
in the short term,
eventually...

And a working paper
published last year

by four economists
found that...

Think about that.
Adding immigrants makes things
better 19 times out of 20.

That's a success rate
matched only by bacon
and Paul Rudd.

And incidentally,
it's just a little hard

to hear these migrants
and refugees being called lazy

considering how hard
many of them

have worked
to reach Europe
in the first place.

You really wanna talk
about lazy migrants,

I'm a lazy migrant!

I left a country
by airplane,

and the only things
I was escaping were fog,

public indifference,
and an almost certain future

as the Turtle
of Prince Harry's entourage.

I didn't want
to be Royal Turtle!

I didn't want
to be Royal Turtle!
[cheers, applause]

And the maddening thing--

the maddening thing here
is Europe doesn't even need
to do this for good reasons.

It can do it for selfish ones,
because as a continent,

it is in dire need
of new citizens.

Man: According to the UN,

the average woman needs
to have 2.1 children

to maintain the population
of a developed country.

But in the European Union,
every single country

is below that 2.1 level.

By 2050, some countries like
Greece, Portugal, and Germany

will see their
populations drop

by double-digit percentages.

according to Pew.

That's true.
If Europe doesn't open
its doors to more migrants,

this is not the changing face
of Europe they should
be frightened of.

This is!
This one right here!

And look, not every
single asylum seeker

is going to be the perfect
economic wellspring.

But instead
of worrying about

the hypothetical downside
of letting these migrants in,

countries should be
more worried about
the actual downside

of turning them away,
if for no other reason

that you might miss out
on someone like Noujain,

who seems like she would
improve any country
that would have her.

Just listen to how
she taught herself English.

How did you learn
to speak such good English?

At home with
my favorite TV show.

What's that?
It's "Days of Our Lives,"

with the Sami
and E.J. struggle.

Yeah, I love them both.

How can you not want
this girl in your country?

She loves
"Days of Our Lives"!

She loves it! She loves
"Days of Our Lives,"

and specifically,
she loves E.J. and Sami.

In fact, even after
weeks of total hell,

mortal danger,
and inhumane treatment,

Noujain's biggest complaint
is that the show actually
k*lled off E.J.

who was
her favorite character.

And frankly,
she's right to be upset.

E.J. and Sami
were magic together.

I mean, yes, you could argue
E.J. basically blackmailed
Sami into marriage,

then impregnated her,
and then worked for Sami's
archnemesis, Nicole Walker,

who he then also impregnated,

and then he
kidnapped Sami's baby

and made her
think it was dead,
so Sami shot him in the head.

But you know what?
That's the kind of thing
couples do.

And besides,
they got through all that.

And yes, yes, sure,
E.J. did then cheat on Sami
before their wedding

with that trollop
Abigail Deveraux,

but he still didn't deserve
to die from yet another
g*nsh*t wound,

even though, yes,
it was, at best, reckless

for him to have
a secret meeting

with hillbilly drug lord
Clyde Weston

in the middle
of the f*cking woods!

You idiot, E.J.!
How could you die?

You and Sami were so close
to eternal happiness!

Why, E.J.? Why? Why, E.J.?

My point is--
My point is...

My point is Noujain
has been through enough,

and any country would
be lucky to have her,

and I know lots
of people still have fears--

fears that migrants will
bankrupt social systems,

which many studies
show does not happen,

fears that migrants
might have an !sis member
lurking among them,

which there has been
no credible example of.

And no one is
saying this is easy,
but the fact it's so hard

is not a reason to do less,
it's a reason to do more--

from countries expediting
their application process

to properly funding
the UN High Commission
for Refugees,

whose fund for
responding to Syrian refugees
in neighboring countries

is less than half
of where it needs to be,

to simply-- and I know
this sounds crazy--

just not kicking them
when they're moving around!

And... it's a crazy idea!
Just rein your leg in.

And there is
actually one final thing

that we thought we could do,
and it is admittedly
very small,

and it is
for just one refugee,

but for Noujain, who was
so justifiably saddened

by the death of E.J.
from "Days of Our Lives,"

we made some calls,
and we have a surprise

that is literally
just for you.

♪

[doorbell chimes]

No. No way. No, it's not.

It's me.
It can't be.

You're trouble.

Oh! It's you!
♪

[laughs]
It's you!

How is that possible? How?

Not even my father would
let me die in a pile of dirt.

My sister made sure
that I survived the morgue,

and then she flew me
to Germany where my father's
witch doctors did their work.

Physically, I've been alive
for months,

but it took me a long time
to be able to get away

from him and his people
after my... resurrection.

Oh, I just can't imagine
how horrible this was for you.

It was nothing.

Coming back from the dead,
that's not hard.

You know what's hard?

Getting from Syria
to Germany.

Oh. Have you seen
what those migrants
are going through?

It's insane.
$1,000 to bribe your way
onto a rubber dinghy?

And that's how you get
across the Mediterranean?

Then, if you make it
to the border of Turkey,

they'll hand you a form,
offering you

an appointment
five years from now.

And then, if you're lucky,
you get to navigate a barrage

of bigotry and hatred
from some assh*le mayors
in Hungary.

It's horrible.
Someone tripping a child?

If someone did that
to my child--
Yeah.

You'd slap 'em twice.
Oh. Yeah.

You know, there are
some amazing people
coming through that border.

I read about this
incredible 16-year-old girl

from Kobani
called Noujain Mustaffa.

Noujain Mustaffa?
Yes, Noujain Mustaffa.

She's our kind of people?
She's our kind of people.

[giggles]
Maybe you'll get
to meet her one day.

Great, but right now,
you are not going
anywhere, mister.

♪

Look...

if we can raise
E.J. DiMera from the dead,

surely anything
is possible.

That's our show.
Our thanks to E.J. and Sami.

We'll see you next week.
Good night!

[theme music playing]
[cheering]