03x06 - Trump wall

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[upbeat rock music]

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[cheers and applause]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "Last Week Tonight."

Thank you so much
for joining us.

I'm John Oliver.

Just time for a quick recap
of the week,

and we begin in Brazil,
the country with

the second-most-valuable
Amazon on Earth.

Brazil is facing
numerous problems right now,

from the Zika virus
to a struggling economy.

And this week, it was plunged
into political turmoil.

Ortigas: Hundreds of thousands
of Brazilians

are taking to the streets
all across the country,

calling for the impeachment
of their president,

Dilma Rousseff.

People here are saying
they're tired of being lied to.

And they're
particularly tired

of this very deep
economic recession

that the country is in.

- Yes, the protesters want

to forcibly remove
their president.

And as Brazilians know well,

you don't want
to remove something

slowly and methodically.

You want to do it quickly
all at once.

The Brazilian legislature
is moving to impeach

President Rousseff.

Although they may not be
in a great position to judge,

given that 60% of them face
criminal charges of some kind,

ranging from electoral fraud
to homicide.

And think about that.

The Brazilian legislature
potentially contains


per capita

than the Brazilian
prison system.

But Rousseff's latest trouble
concerns her predecessor,

Lula da Silva, and his
connection to the ongoing

investigation into bribes
and kickbacks at Petrobras,

Brazil's
state-run oil company.

And incidentally,
is there ever

a state-run oil company
that is not corrupt?

The only two words that
are more inherently suspicious

than "state-run"
are "oil company."

Except--
except that's not actually true.

The list of suspicious
two-word phrases goes:

"open marriage,"
"well-spoken,"

"homeopathic remedy,"
"state-run,"

"father-daughter,"
"oil-company,"

and "discount sushi."

But--but Lula--
Lula da Silva--

Lula da Silva is facing charges
connected to Petrobras.

And while he claims they were
politically motivated,

Rousseff didn't exactly
calm things down this week

when she made
a surprise staffing choice.

- Former president Lula
is now going to be serving

as chief of staff
for Dilma Rousseff,

the current president.

If he is in the cabinet,

he is protected
from prosecution

by anyone except
the highest court in Brazil.

- Wow.
He virtually has immunity.

That does not look good.

And it says something about what
some protesters think of Lula

that they already had a giant
inflatable effigy on hand

the second the move
was announced.

Although--
although I will say

that balloon
looks less like Lula

and more like a Picasso drawing
of Mandy Patinkin.

But--but this was just
the beginning

of a bewilderingly dramatic
few days there.

First a Brazilian judge
nullified the appointment.

Then a judge from a higher court
nullified that nullification.

And then things got crazy.

- As soon as
President Rousseff

got an injunction overturned

against Lula being
appointed to her cabinet,

at least 20 other judges
across the country filed

their own injunctions to block
him from taking the post.

- That's right,
the judiciary is now

in open revolt
against the executive branch.

And not just that,

but huge pro-Rousseff
and Lula rallies

took place on Friday.

And let's all please enjoy

this brief moment
of feeling superior

to the political chaos
of Brazil,

because it's exactly

how the rest of the world
will feel this summer,

watching the Republican Party
tear itself apart,

denying the person who got
the most votes their nomination.

So for now, let's move on
to the Supreme Court,

America's fifth-most-watched
legal drama.

On Wednesday--on Wednesday,
the president

unveiled his pick
for their newest member.

- Today I am nominating

Chief Judge
Merrick Brian Garland

to join the Supreme Court.

woman: By all accounts,

Judge Garland
is deeply experienced.

He is seen by some
as really the best pick

that a Republican Senate
could ask for

from a Democratic president.

- Yes, Garland is
an experienced, moderate judge,

respected by everyone
on both sides of the aisle,

which is, frankly,
more than you can say

for most people
at their own wedding.

And it is--
it's not just his moderate views

that might make him
appealing to Republicans.

There's another,
slightly creepier factor

to take into consideration.

man: Merrick Garland
is 63 years old,

one of the oldest
nominees ever.

- It's an easier pill
for Republicans to swallow,

having someone older
rather than someone younger.

- He is a consensus candidate.
He's 63 years old.

He's unlikely to serve,
you know, very long.

- Holy shit!

It has got to be a bit weird

hearing one of
your most attractive qualities

is your
diminished life span.

The message to Republicans
is essentially:

think about Merrick Garland

the way you think
about the 14-year-old cat

your girlfriend had
when you moved in.

You may not like him,

but at least he'll be dead
relatively soon.

But Senate Republicans have
vowed not to confirm anyone

Obama nominates
to the Supreme Court.

And in the wake
of Garland's nomination,

they insisted
their position has not changed.

- The decision the Senate
announced weeks ago

remains about a principle
and not a person.

- I'm not gonna change
my position,

'cause it's based
on the principle.

- I've said repeatedly:

I don't care if they put
my brother on there.

- It doesn't matter
if Obama would--

would nominate
George W. Bush.

I would still not do it.

- Wait, wait, wait.

You created a hypothetical

using the best candidate
you could think of,

and you came up
with George W. Bush?

"Why, I wouldn't go
into that restaurant

if Guy Fieri himself
was the chef!"

What--what point are you
trying to make there?

The--the Republicans
are in a tough spot here.

They know their position
is logically indefensible,

and some,
like Senator Orrin Hatch,

have really painted themselves
into a corner.

In 2010, he called Garland
"a consensus nominee"

but is now refusing
to even meet with him.

And there is something
profoundly emblematic

of the Republicans' cynicism
in his explanation for why.

- Right now, the political
arena is toxic, difficult,

and terrible to bring
this nominee up at this time.

- Hold on.

The atmosphere is too toxic
to bring him up?

You are the one
making it toxic!

I live by
a hard and fast rule.

You do not get out
of having to do the dishes

just because you
took a shit in the sink.

And now this.

- It's always good
to come back home, always.

I don't care
where you've been.

- Seems like you got a tan.

- You noticed, yeah.
Rose: I did.

- Welcome back
to "CBS This Morning."

- Can I see that
one more time?

- Charlie likes black people.

[laughter]

Charlie, it's not good
to date coworkers,

so leave me alone.

- But we had a good time,
didn't we?

- We had a really good time.
- [laughs]

- Oh, more on that later.

[laughter]

- A gentleman never tells.

- And, Charlie,
don't you find it attractive

when women make
the first move?

- Absolutely.
I was gonna say that.

woman: It's endearing.
- I do, yeah.

- There's no reason to think
a man is not gonna like you

because you come over.

- I only look at Charlie's
suit every day.

He always looks handsome
in blue, I think.

- Thank you, darling.
O'Donnell: You're welcome.

[laughs]

- Do you two want
to be alone?

- Charlie, you have a little
tickle in your throat,

but you don't think it's--
- A little cold coming in.

King: Where'd you get
that cold from?

- I think I got it
from her last week.

- Next time, we'll take
a break from kissing

when I've got a cold;
sorry about that.

- That's right.

- You like sweet things.
I know you do.

- I do, but not cupcakes.
- I know you like sweet things.

[laughter]

woman: Whoo.
All right.

- Moving on.

Our--our main story tonight
concerns walls,

the envy of all employees
who work in open-plan offices.

"I would take a f*cking beaded
curtain just so I don't have

"to directly observe Carol
clip her nails.

Do it at home, Carol!"

This year,
one particular wall

has gotten a lot
of our attention.

- I will build a great, great
wall on our southern border.

That's a Trump wall.
Beautiful wall.

I will build the greatest wall
that you've ever seen.

If they ever put my name on it,
I want a gorgeous wall.

You know?

The Trump wall.

Oh, will that be
a beautiful wall.

- Yes, Donald Trump
wants to build a wall

on the U.S.-Mexican border.

And, based on his tone,
he also wants to f*ck that wall.

The wall is such--it's such
a fixture of his speeches

and so popular
among his supporters,

one man even wore
a spandex wall costume

at one of his rallies.

And, I mean,
that's kind of incredible.

The only group of people
more excited about barriers

are high school
health teachers.

"Oh, that's right,
cool guys and cool gals,

"when you're horny,
there is nothing better

"than a good dental dam.

It feels exactly the same."

It doesn't.
It doesn't.

It--it really doesn't.

The border wall is one
of the few policy proposals

Trump has talked about
in detail.

So instead of mocking
or dismissing it out of hand,

tonight let's take
a serious proposal

by a serious presidential
candidate seriously.

And first let's put aside

the potential racism
and xenophobia involved here.

We can come back
to that later.

And instead let's focus
on the practicality

of whether and how
it can actually be done.

Now, let's start
with the cost.

When Trump first
started talking about this,

he said it would cost a lot
but not a lot, a lot.

- Let's say the wall
costs $4 billion.

You know,
they say $10 billion.

That means $4 billion
if you know what you're doing.

- Okay, so--so he's saying
he could build a wall

at 40% of what
it would cost others,

which I would say
is an insane magic trick

if I thought
his tiny fingers

could wrap all the way around
a magic wand.

Actual photo.

Actual--actual photo.

But--but since then,
his estimate has grown.

Trump: The wall is gonna cost
$6 billion or $7 billion.

The wall is probably
$8 billion.

The wall gets built.

It's gonna cost $10 billion
to build the wall.

Okay? A lot of money.
It's a wall.

The wall's gonna cost
$10 billion.

Maybe $12 billion,
depending.

- Okay, so we've gone
from $4 billion to $12 billion.

Donald Trump's margin of error
is the entire GDP of Moldova.

But--but still, fair enough,
we're now at $12 billion.

But to truly know
the real cost,

we're gonna need to know

what the wall
is going to be made from.

Now, if only Donald Trump
could explain that to me

like I'm a child.

boy: So you're going
to build the wall.

What's it going
to be made out of?

- Ohh.

Hey, that's a good question.

Lift him up here.
Bring him up here.

- What are the walls
going to be made out of?

- I'll tell you what
it's gonna be made of.

It's gonna be made
of hardened concrete

and it's gonna be made
out of rebar and steel.

- Okay, first--first,

Trump is holding that child
less like a human being

and more like a cat
he just gave a bath to.

But--but second--

second, to be fair,
rebar and steel.

Okay, that is a clear answer.
I appreciate that.

Now--now, the amount
we would need

would depend on the height
of the wall.

Unfortunately, Trump
has been unclear on that,

suggesting numbers ranging
from 35 to 90 feet.

So let's work
with his lowest estimate,

a 35-foot-tall wall,

which Trump has said
we would need

around 1,000 miles of.

Now, according to one estimator
and construction economist,

that would cost $10 billion
for the concrete panels

and $5 billion to $6 billion
for steel columns,

including labor,
plus another $1 billion

for concrete footing
for the columns

and a concrete foundation.

So that's at least
$16 billion.

We're already $4 billion
over his largest budget,

and we've only
just gotten started here.

Because those materials
are heavy,

and you're gonna have
to transport them

into many areas that are
currently inaccessible

to construction vehicles.

So that same expert estimates
another $2 billion

to build roads
so that 20-ton trucks

can deliver those materials.

And that's not even getting
into another 30% or so

for engineering, design,
and management.

So now we're up
to around $25 billion,

anywhere from two to six times
Trump's estimates.

But wait,
'cause we're still not done.

All of that
is just building the wall.

The Congressional Budget Office
estimated

for a similar project
that wall maintenance costs

would exceed the initial
construction costs

within seven years.

So it's a big, dumb thing

that only gets
more expensive over time.

It's like getting
a pet walrus.

You think it's stupid now,

wait until you learn what
a bucket of sea cucumbers costs.

You've not prepared for that.

But--but whatever the cost is,

Trump claims he has got
a way to pay for it.

- Mexico is going
to pay for the wall.

They're going to pay
for the wall.

Mexico is going to pay
for the wall.

Mexico's gonna pay
for the wall,

and they're gonna be
happy about it.

- Of course they are.
Of course they are.

People love it when
you make them pay for shit

they don't want.

That's why everyone is so happy
when their cable company

bundles together cable,
Internet, and landline.

Ooh, landline!

Ooh, thank you.

Oh, landline.
Lucky me.

That'll come in handy when
I need to call my cell phone

'cause I can't find it,
and that's about it.

But--but is Mexico
going to pay for the wall?

Because the current Mexican
treasury secretary has said,

"Mexico, under no circumstance,
is going to pay for the wall

that Mr. Trump is proposing."

And two former Mexican
presidents were even clearer.

- Mexican people,
we are not going to pay

any single cent
for such a stupid wall.

- I declare I'm not gonna pay
for that f*cking wall.

He should pay for it!

[laughter and applause]

- I think--I think the best part
of that clip is the fact

that he even took the extra
effort to swear in English.

"Hey, this may be
my second language,

"but I want to make
absolutely sure

you f*ckers
understand it."

But when Trump was asked
about these comments,

he responded
with characteristic diplomacy.

- The wall just got


[cheers and applause]
It just got 10 feet taller.

- Come on.

Things don't get bigger
just because you're angry.

If that were true,

Alec Baldwin would be


Now--now, to be fair--

to be fair here,
Trump has thought through

how he will get Mexico
to foot the bill.

- We have right now
a $58-billion trade deficit

with Mexico.

That's why the wall
gets built, by the way.

That's why
they're gonna pay for it.

- Okay, I see. I see.

Mexico will pay because
we have a trade deficit.

I understand.

Unfortunately, that's literally
not how anything works.

Because while, yes,
we did buy $58 billion more

in goods and services
from Mexico

than they did
from us last year,

that money doesn't belong
to the Mexican government.

It's earned
by Mexican businesses.

It's not lying around
in some centralized

Scrooge McDuck money bin
labeled,

"Dumb Americans' Money:

Do not spend
on border fence."

But look,
let's put all this aside,

and let's say
we did find the money.

Where would we put
a border wall?

Now, your instinct says,
"On the border."

But even that is actually
more difficult than it sounds.

And we know this
'cause in 2006, George W. Bush

signed the Secure Fence Act,

which called
for the construction

of 700 miles of fencing
along the border,

a project which,
incidentally,

then-senators Barack Obama
and Hillary Clinton voted for,

which is terrible.

Although keep in mind

that millions of you voted
for Taylor Hicks in 2006,

so maybe don't be
quite so quick to judge.

Soul patrol!

That--that fence--

that fence ran into
a lot of problems, though.

For instance,
in large stretches of Texas,

the border consists
of the Rio Grande,

and typically, you can't build
a wall along the river,

as a 1970 treaty prohibits
building anything

that may cause obstruction
of normal flow of the river.

And for that
and other reasons,

some stretches
of the border fence

were built
considerably inland.

And as towns like Brownsville,
Texas, have learned,

that can be a problem.

- This here
is the Rio Grande River.

This cuts all the way.

You can see it makes
a natural crescent there.

This is Mexico,
all back here.

Here's where
the wall's built.

So all of this golf course

is now stuck in between Mexico

and this border fence.

- It's true.

That golf course
was stuck between

the U.S. border fence
and Mexico

in a space that, like the
Queso Diablo burrito at Qdoba,

isn't really American
but sure as shit isn't Mexican.

And--and the ridiculousness
of this situation

was not lost on the people
who played there.

Brinkley: You realize
when you're golfing here

that you're in the--

you're not really in the
United States or Mexico here?

- I don't care where I am
as long as I'm on a golf course.

Brinkley: Do you think
it's helping with security?

- No.
Stupid.

[laughter]

- I think--I think that woman
just said in two words

what I'm taking 20 minutes
to say in this piece.

"Does the fence help?"

"No.
Stupid."

And look,
Texas became a real problem

for constructing that fence,

because in Texas,
unlike in other states,

there is no federally owned
buffer along the Mexican border,

meaning the land is mostly
owned by private citizens

like the Loop family,

who owned a ranch in Texas

and discovered
that 3/4 of their land

would suddenly be
on the other side of the fence.

woman: When Homeland Security
asked the Loops

to sign away rights
to their land for the fence,

they said no way.

- I said that I'm not signing
anything at this point.

Nothing.
This is not possible.

woman: So the government used
the power of eminent domain

and condemned their property.

- Wow.

And the Loops
were not alone.

Hundreds of property owners were
sued by the federal government

so the fence could be built.

Perhaps the only silver lining
here might be that historically,

in America, when the federal
government takes your land

and treats you terribly,

you at least get an offensive
football team named after you.

So I guess, one day,
we can all look forward

to the Washington Loops.

Hey, it's a sign of respect!

They're respecting
their heritage.

Why can't you understand that?

And the fence's damage
didn't stop there,

because Michael Chertoff, then
secretary of Homeland Security,

signed a document giving
his department the authority

to waive 36 laws
to build the fence,

including
the Endangered Species Act,

the Safe Drinking Water Act,

and the Native American Graves
Protection and Repatriation Act.

He even welded parts
of the fence himself,

wearing an American eagle
face mask.

And he looks like
a member of Daft Punk,

if Daft Punk played nothing
but Lee Greenwood covers.

And that Native American
grave clause

came in horrifyingly handy,

as this Native American
leader explains.

- Fragments of human remains

were found
in heavy equipment tracks

on the Christian Ranch
archaeological site,

a site now crossed by barriers
and the border road.

Imagine a bulldozer
in your family graveyard.

- Ooh.

I mean, say what you will,

but I think "Imagine a bulldozer
in your family graveyard"

is definitely the worst verse
of John Lennon's "Imagine."

It's not my favorite.
It is not my favorite.

And by waiving
the protections for wildlife,

the fence has posed dangers
to the survival in the U.S.

of everything
from jaguars to pronghorns

to pygmy owls.

And look how shocked they look
by that fact.

Although--although I will admit
they do permanently look like

you've just m*rder*d
their entire family.

But--but look--but look,
Trump might well argue

having a wall
is worth all of this,

because it will act
as a fortress

to stop people and dr*gs
flowing across the border.

But let's look at that.

Because the most recent
authoritative estimate suggests

nearly half of the unauthorized
migrants in the U.S.

entered legally,
through a port of entry

like an airport
or a border crossing,

usually with visas
that they then overstayed.

A wall can't stop that.

It's like wearing a condom
to protect against head lice.

You could do that,
but that's not really

how you keep the thing you're
worried about from happening,

which is not to say
that there are not some people

crossing the border
where a wall would be.

But would a wall
really stop them?

- What the border patrol says,

and I've spoken
to a lot of their people,

is, look, first of all,
if you build a 30-foot wall,

all it's gonna do is create
a market for 31-foot ladders.

- Of course.
Of course that's right.

And by the way, remember,

when you're looking for
a 31-foot ladder, avoid Werner.

Climbing a Werner ladder

is like dousing yourself
in cooking grease

and climbing
a pile of tetanus.

Do yourself a favor
and get a DeWALT ladder.

And I'm not being paid
to say that.

I'm just a fan.

A fan
and a very happy customer.

And ladders are not
the wall's only weakness.

Watch as Donald Trump
inadvertently stumbles his way

into a key realization.

- So...

you take precast plank.

It comes 30 feet long,


There's no ladder
going over that.

If they ever get up there,
they're in trouble,

'cause there's no way
to get down.

Maybe a rope.

- Yeah.

Yes.

Maybe a rope.
Yes, yes.

Your brilliant plan
has been undone

by mankind's third invention.

And as for stopping dr*gs,

walls and fences
have not posed

much of a challenge
to cartels.

- In Mexico, police have
discovered a tunnel

believed to have been used
to smuggle dr*gs into the U.S.

man: Using this
makeshift cannon,

they were sh**ting packages,

small packages of marijuana
across the border.

These men were actually
using a catapult

to launch dr*gs
across the border.

- Other smugglers have kept it
a bit simpler than that.

They just get somebody
with a really good arm,

who throws it over the fence
like a football.

- Okay, okay,
well, I will say

if they're looking
for a new recruit,

I know Peyton Manning
is currently between jobs.

But--but let's--
let's face it.

For many people,
efficacy is beside the point.

This wall is about
making us feel safer.

And here is where
the racism and xenophobia

that we put aside
at the top of this piece

really needs
to be brought back.

Because while
other politicians

have supported barriers
at the border,

Donald Trump
has been uncommonly clear

about who we need
to be protected from.

- When Mexico
sends its people,

they're not sending
their best.

They're bringing dr*gs.
They're bringing crime.

They're rapists.

And some, I assume,
are good people.

- Trump--Trump sounds
like an angry villager

running through
the town square yelling,

"Werewolves!
Run for your lives!

"Though some, I assume,
are good werewolves,

"but they're here
to k*ll you!

"With maybe a few exceptions.

"But mostly, werewolves!
Run!

"Run from the werewolves--

"Werewolves love me,
and I love werewolves,

but they're here to k*ll
all of us."

But about that.

Because while, yes, individual
undocumented immigrants

have committed
horrible crimes,

so, obviously,
have American citizens.

And in fact,
researchers consistently find

that immigrants are less,
not more, crime prone

than their native-born
counterparts.

The crime rates
among immigrants, once here,

are relatively tiny digits,

which is something Donald Trump
should frankly understand

given that he has ten of them

attached
to his miniscule wrists.

[cheers and applause]

Now--this is--

None of this is to say
that the idea of a wall

is not still comforting
for some people.

Or, as one man who actually
lives near the border puts it...

- This was put up to illustrate

to Joe Whoever

up in Dubuque or someplace--

They see a picture of this,
and their overstuffed butts

in an overstuffed chair
looking at a too big TV think,

"Oh, yeah, that'll stop 'em."

Well, of course, it doesn't.

- This guy is amazing,
sh1tting on the fat-cat,

out-of-touch metropolis
that is Dubuque, Iowa.

But--but even if it does

make the people of Dubuque
feel safer,

given everything we've seen,
is it worth it?

'Cause remember,
we calculated earlier

that this could
conservatively cost $25 billion,

excluding the cost
of both maintenance

and the land under it.

That works out
to around $77 per person.

And here is where I would like
to make a counterproposal

to Donald Trump's wall plan.

If the main thing
it's going to get us

is a warm sense
of satisfaction inside,

I suggest, instead
of building that wall,

we use the money to buy every
man, woman, and child in America

a Palmer waffle iron.

These beauties
retail at $75 apiece,

so we'd still have nearly
a billion dollars left over.

And just to be clear,
this isn't one per household.

This is one per person.

You have five people
in your family?

You got have five waffle irons
coming your way.

Not only is this
cost-effective;

unless you are
a really sick f*ck,

this waffle iron plan would not
k*ll a single pygmy owl.

And look, I know
what you're thinking:

"John, this is a stupid idea."

But is it?
Is it really?

Yes, obviously it is.

But is it significantly stupider
than Donald Trump's wall?

Because this waffle iron plan
will cost less;

it'll do nearly as much to
keep out immigrants and dr*gs;

it won't harm
our relationship

with our third-largest
trading partner;

if it is r*cist,
it's only toward Belgians;

and--and--and unlike
Donald Trump's wall,

this makes f*cking waffles!

So come on, America!

Let's ask ourselves:

what kind of country
do we want to wake up to?

One that spends billions
on an impossible,

impractical symbol of fear

or one that smells
like breakfast?

Exactly!

And now this.

- ♪ Oh, baby,
what you done to me ♪

O'Donnell: ♪ Done to me
- ♪ To me

- ♪ You make me feel
so good inside ♪

- ♪ Good inside

- ♪ And I just wanna be

- ♪ So close to you
- ♪ To you

- ♪ You make me feel
so alive ♪

- Ohh.

- The news is back
in the morning.

- I'm--I'm gonna die
and go to heaven right now.

- And finally tonight,

a few more words
on the Supreme Court,

site of more flowy black robes

than Mariah Carey
packing for a funeral.

If you remember from earlier,
the Senate is stalling

confirmation hearings
for Merrick Garland.

But we at "Last Week Tonight"

do not have
the luxury of time on this,

because if there is
even a chance

that Garland
might be confirmed,

that is going to impact
our all-dog Supreme Court.

These are the dogs
that we use

to reenact Supreme Court
oral arguments

because cameras are still
not allowed in the courtroom.

Now, this--this new dog

will have some
big paw prints to fill,

'cause while Antonin Scalia

was a divisive figure
on the court,

Bulldog Scalia
was universally beloved

due to his cheerful demeanor,

surprisingly dexterous paws,

and his ability to avoid
humping Justice Kagan,

which, frankly,
could not be said

for all the justices.

I'm talking to you,
Samuel Alito.

Bad justice!
Bad, bad justice!

So if Merrick Garland is
going to take Scalia's place,

we need a dog
who captures his essence.

And that is why tonight

we are asking you, the public,
to advise and consent

as we pick from among these
three fantastic dog justices,

any one of whom
could effectively portray

Merrick Garland.

Now, from left,
we have Mollie,

who, if appointed, would be
the first miniature schnauzer

to serve on the highest
dog court in the land.

In the middle,
there is Biscuit,

a pug with surprisingly
nuanced opinions

on drug sentencing laws

and time-outs
for sitting on the couch.

And finally,
there is Winston,

a terrier known
for his blistering dissents

and glossy coat.

Winston still makes time

for his wife of nearly
two years and their 37 kids.

These--these--

Calm down, Winston.

These--these are
your options, America.

Incredibly, they look entirely
different from one another,

and yet somehow all look
exactly like Merrick Garland.

Please tweet your choice--

Mollie, Biscuit, or Winston--

to #DogGarland,

and we will take them
into due consideration.

Because even though
the Senate is refusing

to decide something
monumentally important,

we can still decide on
something monumentally stupid.

That is our show.

Thank you so much
for watching tonight.

We'll be back in two weeks.

Good night!

Good boy, good boy.

Good boy.

[classical music]

♪

[bright tone]