♪ ♪
John: welcome, welcome,
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
John: welcome, welcome,
Welcome to last week tonight.
I'm john oliver.
Thank you so much for joining
Us.
And sadly, we must begin with
The events in charlottesville,
Virginia, where one person was
k*lled and 19 injured after a
Car plowed into protesters
Following a rally of white
Nationalists.
It was truly a weekend of
Horrifying images.
We saw n*zi flags and marchers
Carrying torches -- tiki
Torches, by the way.
Because if anything says "white
Nationalist," it's
Faux-polynesian kitsch and a
Protester being k*lled in the
Wake of neo-nazis marching in
The streets of an american city
Is the kind of tragedy that
Calls for true leadership from
Whoever is in the oval office.
Unfortunately, the current
Occupant is this guy, and even
After a few hours to think about
It, the best he could do was
Squeeze in this response before
A bill signing:
Trump: we condemn in the
Strongest possible terms this
Egregious display of hatred,
Bigotry and v*olence on many
Sides -- on many sides.
John: "on many sides"?
This was a white nationalist
Rally.
You have to call that out by
Name.
There aren't many instances in
Modern american politics where
You can honestly think, "that
Guy really should have mentioned
The nazis," but this is
Emphatically one of them.
It's like a reverse godwin's law
-- If you fail to mention
Nazism, you lose the argument.
And having made a wild false
Equivalence between "nazis" and
"People who oppose nazis" trump
Moved on to his favorite
Subject, himself.
Trump: it's been going on
For a long time in our country.
Not donald trump, not barack
Obama, it's been going on for a
Long, long time.
John: it seems trump's first
Response to anything bad
Happening is always to
Immediately absolve himself of
Any personal responsibility.
He's the kind of guy who starts
Eulogies at funerals, "great
Guy.
I didn't k*ll him, but he's a
Great guy and he's dead and I
Didn't do it."
And you know who might take
Issue with his statement that
The white nationalists had
Nothing to do with donald trump?
The white nationalists
Themselves.
Here's david duke, during
Yesterday's rally:
David duke: we are
Determined to take our country
Back.
We're going to fulfill the
Promises of donald trump.
That's what we believed in.
That's why we voted for donald
Trump.
He said he is going to take our
Country back, and that's what we
Gotta do.
John: hey, david duke and the
Nazis really seem to like donald
Trump, which is weird, because
Nazis are a lot like cats:
If they like you, it's probably
Because you're feeding them.
Also, cats are like nazis, but
That's a whole different
Subject.
And that kind of connection is
Something anyone in their right
Mind would want to immediately
And repeatedly disavow.
And it's not like trump wasn't
Given the opportunity.
Watch what happened at the end
Of his speech:
Trump: thank you.
Reporter: mr. President!
How do you respond to white
Nationalists who say they're
Participating because they
Support you?
Trump: they'd like me to sign
The bill here, instead of
Outside.
So I think we'll do that.
Thank you.
John: for a second there, as
He came back to the podium, I
Almost thought, maybe he's about
To say the right thing.
But of course not.
He had one last shot before the
Buzzer on the racism clock hit
Zero and he threw an airball so
Far away it landed in the third
Reich.
[Cheers and applause]
And for the record -- even after
He signed the bill, he got
Another chance:
Reporter: mr. President, a
Number of the white nationalists
And--
Reporter: do you want the
Support of these white
Nationalists who say they
Support you mr. President?
Have you denounced them strongly
Enough?
John: so here's the problem
With that: a non-answer in a
Moment like this is an answer.
If you asked me, "have you ever
Been aroused by the fairies in
'Zelda: the ocarina of time'?",
And I responded by slowly and
Silently walking away, you would
Know exactly what I was saying.
[Cheers and applause]
And don't take that from me --
White nationalists seemed pretty
Clear about the message trump
Had sent them with his response.
Tapper: this is from an
Infamous neonazi website.
"Trump comments were good.
He loves us all.
Also refused to answer a
Question about white
Nationalists suporting him.
No condemnation.
When asked to condemn he walked
Out of the room.
Really, really good.
God bless him."
John: to which god
Immediately released a
Statement:
"I unequivocally condemn the
Nazis who invoked my name...
Their beliefs and actions in no
Way reflect the glory of my
Creation.
I mean, what kind of f*cking
Idiot would not immediately
Distance himself from them?"
And look: maybe trump will,
Eventually, take a second swing
At personally condemning the
White nationalists.
Maybe he has since we taped this
Show.
But even if he does, it'll be
Too late.
Because his first response is
Who he is.
And the truly infuriating thing
Is how completely predictable
This was.
No one in their right mind,
Ahead of trump's response
Yesterday, thought, "well, this
Is going to go well."
That still didn't somehow negate
Just how painful it was to
Watch.
Because it just doesn't get
Easier than disavowing nazis.
It's as much of a presidential
Gimme as pardoning a f*cking
Turkey.
It's almost impossible to screw
It up.
But that's what happened.
So there's clearly no point
Waiting for leadership from our
President at moments like this,
Because it's just not coming.
So we'll have to look to one
Another.
Because incredibly, in a country
Where previous presidents have
Actually had to defeat nazis, we
Now have one who can't even be
Bothered to condemn them.
And now, this:
Announcer: now, highlights
From robocop 2017.
And now, highlights vastly
Improved by univision
Commentator.
John: moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns
North korea, america's number
One excuse for putting off
Chores this week.
"I could do laundry, but if the
World's about to erupt into
Nuclear w*r, what's the point?"
North korea has been on
Everyone's minds this week, and
I think you know why:
Boldoun: "president trump and
North korea escalate the w*r of
Words, lobbing new threats and
Sending new tweets.
North korea now accusing the
President of the united states
Pushing the world to, quote, the
Brink of nuclear w*r.
John: wow.
When twitter was invented, I'll
Bet even they didn't imagine it
Would lead us to the brink of
Nuclear armageddon.
It's like if the invention of
The furby had led to the
Sudanese civil w*r.
Who knew that's where it was
Headed?
Tensions have sharply escalated
This week, which is a little
Surprising, given that the world
Has been dealing with north
Korea's provocative m*ssile
Tests for years now.
Just two weeks ago, they were
Doing this:
Anchor: north korea fires
Yet another m*ssile, but
Pyongyang claims this one will
Be able to hit the u.s.
Mainland, striking cities like
Los angeles, denver, chicago,
And possibly even new york and
Boston.
John: new york?
But I live in new york!
Therefore, this shit just got
Real!
If everyone's honest, your level
Of fear over the north korea
Situation is in direct
Proportion to whether or not
They can hit the exact place
Where you live.
We film this show on 57th
Street.
If you told me the blast radius
Stops at 56th street, I'd think
"Well, I hope nothing happens,
But we've still got some time
Before things get serious."
Now, it is worth properly
Understanding what north korea's
Currently capable of.
Because while their missiles may
Be able to reach us, and they do
Have nuclear warheads, most
Experts believe they don't yet
Have the technology to reliably
Hit the u.s. Mainland.
So that's reassuring.
Although on the other hand a
Recent pentagon assessment did
Suggest they could cross that
Threshold next year.
So if a job interviewer asks
You, "where do you see yourself
In five years?"
It's now perfectly acceptable to
Just scream in terror.
Look, this is clearly a very
Serious situation, requiring a
Deft hand.
Sadly, that's not what it got.
Trump: "north korea best not
Make any more threats to the
United states.
They will be met with fire and
Fury, like the world has never
Seen.
John: "fire and fury"?
The only way that's not
Terrifying is if you report it
The way one newspaper in maine
Did, saying "trump warns of fire
And furry."
In which case trump was
Threatening to send this to
North korea, which is a very
Different kind of threat.
In response, north korea
Announced plans to fire missiles
That would land just off the
Coast of the us territory of
Guam.
Which is frightening -- although
Not unprecedented.
They have made similar threats
Before.
But what's different this time,
Obviously, is that we now have a
President who has the general
Temperament of a wet cat.
And in response to that guam
Threat, trump promptly doubled
Down.
Trump: frankly the people
That were questioning that
Statement, was it too tough,
Maybe it wasn't tough enough.
If anything, that statement may
Not be tough enough.
Reporter: what would be
Tougher than fire and fury?
Trump: "well, you'll see,
You'll see.
John: "yeah we're going to go
With that b*mb more destructive
Than the nuclear b*mb.
Why?
I don't know!
Who cares that it doesn't exist?
Sincerely, donald trump.
I'm not writing a letter I'm
Talking?
Says you.
Fake news. Goodbye!"
So tonight, we thought we'd ask:
What, exactly, is north korea
Thinking?
How did we get into this mess?
And what can we possibly do
About it?
And let's start by trying to
Understand just a little bit
More about north korea.
And that in itself is difficult.
It's one of the most isolated
If you know anything about it at
All, it's probably just that
They have a wacky totalitarian
Leader who loves military
Parades and dennis rodman, and
Who really didn't like that seth
Rogen movie about his
Assassination.
And it can be hard to trust any
Information about north korea,
Because lots of it is
Inaccurate, for many reasons.
First, there's the outright
State propaganda, which
Glorifies north korea's leaders,
The kim family.
Last year, we showed you western
Journalists being taken on a
Tour of a historic target range,
Where they learned something
Suspiciously remarkable about
Kim jong un's father.
Woman: comrade kim jong-il
Shot three b*ll*ts and three of
Them got bulls-eye.
Adriana diaz: they all got
Bulls-eye?
Woman: mm-hmm.
Adriana diaz: and how old was
He at the time?
Woman: he was 7-year-old.
Adriana diaz: a 7-year-old
Got three bulls-eyes?
Woman: mm-hmm, yeah.
Adriana diaz: that's pretty
Impressive.
Woman: mm-hmm.
John: wow, that is the mm-hmm
Of someone who wants to shut
Down a conversation.
She sounds like a parent
Fielding questions about where
Babies come from.
"So, a stork brings the baby?"
"Mm-hmm."
"It carries an eight-pound baby
Through the air in its mouth?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Isn't that dangerous?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Where does the stork get them?"
"Storks f*ck!
They f*ck each other!
They f*ck each other!
And the baby comes out of the
Stork's vag*na!"
Don't ask for the truth if you
Can't handle it!
But inaccuracies like that are
Easy to spot.
What's trickier is that a lot of
Eye-catching western reporting
About north korea can be shakily
Sourced, like this one:
Reid: the bbc reports all of
The men in the hermit kingdom
Must now sport the same haircut
As the dear leader, kim jong-un.
His look was known as the
Chinese smuggler haircut not too
Long ago in the region, but now
It will be known as the haircut
Every man in north korea must
Have.
Lucky them.
John: here's the thing:
There's no solid evidence that
Story's true.
But it's seductive, because it
Sounds like it could be.
Like if you saw the headline:
"Trump to nato: I invented
Squirrels."
You'd believe it, because it
Sounds like something he'd have
Claimed, even though - as of
This taping - he has not.
And while it may not be true
That all men had to get the same
Haircut as kim jong un, state tv
Did run a series called "let us
Trim our hair in accordance with
Socialist lifestyle".
And it's weird when a verifiable
Truth is almost as strange as a
Wild rumor.
It's like how the "richard gere
Put a gerbil in his ass" story
Is completely false, but what if
The truth was that he engaged in
Consensual mutual a**l play with
A chinchilla?
That would still be bizarre; you
Wouldn't have to exaggerate
That.
And sometimes, the truth about
Life in north korea can be just
As striking as the urban
Legends.
For instance, you may've seen
Claims online that every teacher
In north korea is obligated to
Play the accordion.
We couldn't confirm that,
Although in trying to, we
Discovered that north korea does
Love the accordion to a
Surprising extent.
The country is full of them.
Here's an accordion factory.
Here's schoolchildren playing
The accordion.
Here's kim jong un looking at an
Accordion.
Here's an air combat exercise,
Where the camera pans across
Pilots and guess what?
Yep.
It's a f*cking accordion.
They also have a very popular
Song called
"Nothing to envy in the world"
That begins with the line "the
Sky is blue, my heart is merry,
Let the sound of accordions
Ring."
And then there's this video of
North koreans playing the last
Song you'd expect.
[Accordions playing "take on me"
Yes, that's north korean
Accordionists playing "take on
Me".
So, beat that, everyone else who
Plays the accordion!
By which I mean, two old french
Men, and one weird al yankovic.
And if you think that's the most
Amazing piece of north korean
Pop culture you're going to see
Tonight, you are wrong.
Let me introduce you to
"Pulgasari", a 1985 movie known
As the "north korean godzilla".
The whole thing is incredible,
But this is my favorite part:
♪ ♪
John: you know why I love
That? It's "relatable!"
No matter where you're from, or
Your religious or political
Beliefs, at some point,
Everybody has been about to
Decapitate someone and then out
Of nowhere a baby monster jumps
Up and takes a bite out of your
Sword.
It works because it resonates.
And look: we're having fun,
Laughing about north korea!
And it can be very funny.
But the very fact that's true
Can be frustrating to
Journalists who cover it.
Barbara demick: it's always,
You know, an exaggeration, and a
Parody, and you know kind of a
Freak show.
Which I think those of us who
Cover north korea find a little
Bit distressing because it's not
Actually very funny to the 24
Million people who live there.
John: she's right.
And even when north korea is
Objectively funny, like with
"Pulgasari," it has dark
Undertones.
Because kim jong-il got that
Made by abducting two of south
Korea's biggest names in film,
And forcing them to make movies
For him, for years.
And you know what?
They eventually escaped.
So I'm going to say: I know it's
Not going to be a popular
Opinion, but if that's what it
Took to give us that baby
Monster scene, then it was
f*cking worth it.
The underlying truth of north
Korea is that it is a dark place
-- Not just figuratively, but
Literally.
You can get a sense of how
Little development there has
Been when you look at it
From space.
See that void where there's
Almost no lights?
That's north korea.
It looks like a divorced dad's
Christmas tree, where he gave up
Halfway through hanging the
Lights, got drunk and fell
Asleep watching "ken burns:
Baseball."
And the kim family is known for
Their bone-chilling cruelty and
Mismanagement.
They were largely responsible
For the deaths of somewhere
Between six hundred thousand and
Famine in the 1990s.
And we know there are large,
Brutal camps where political
Dissidents are imprisoned --
Sometimes alongside their
Extended families.
Reporter: satellite images
Show their scale, but for a
Picture of what they're really
Like, we can only rely on those
Who've been there."
Reporter: these sketches are
The recollections of other
Prisoners who've managed to
Escape the camps.
John: that is truly horrific.
But the continued existence of
Those camps brings us to a
Really important point to
Understand:
Kim jong un is terrified of
Losing power.
And while we love to present him
As a madman, many experts
Believe his actions are
Motivated by rational
Self-preservation.
He has seen leaders like S*ddam
Hussein and moammar gadhafi
Scale back nuclear programs,
Only to be overthrown -- either
By the u.s., Or by their own
People -- and die gruesome
Deaths.
Dictators generally don't end
Their careers like disgraced
American politicians, with a
Stint on "dancing with the
Stars" -- although that would've
Been an incredible season.
S*ddam?
That foxtrot was a w*apon of
Mass seduction.
And moammar?
You worked hard and it showed.
So kim jong un has continued his
Family's "military first"
Policy, spending huge amounts of
Money on what is the fourth
Largest military on earth and an
Elaborate nuclear program, in an
Impoverished country whose
Economy has been estimated to be
Smaller than that of birmingham,
Alabama.
And birmingham is a small
Economy.
Their most notable export is
"American idol" season five
Winner taylor hicks.
Not that that's a bad thing.
Soul patrol forever!
So, how can kim jong un justify
That spending?
Well, he argues that the huge
Military is the only thing
Staving off imminent invasion
From a host of outsiders.
And that's where we come in.
Because the most dominant and
Useful villain in north korea's
Narrative is the united states.
And it's not like it comes out
Of nowhere.
We sided with the south during
The korean w*r.
And while many americans may've
Forgotten just how devastating
That w*r was, the north koreans
Haven't.
They have entire museums devoted
To american w*r atrocities.
And I'm not saying there were
None -- I don't think any were
Quite as over-the-top as this:
In the last liberation w*r,
During our strategic retreat,
The american hyenas occupied the
Land of shinchon.
They arrested min youngshik and
Stabbed her muscles with a
Three-pronged spear and sucked
Her flowing blood.
They also took the flesh from
Her thighs using a bayonet,
Dipped it in salt, and ate it.
John: in case you were
Wondering: yes, you can buy
Coasters depicting that scene in
The museum gift shop.
But they're $16, which is the
Real w*r crime!
And the north koreans'
Indoctrination in
Anti-americanism starts young,
As one defector remembers.
Yeonmi park: in math book
Says, you know, there are four
American bastards. You k*ll two
Of them.
Then how many american bastards
Left to k*ll.
And as a child I had to say,
"Two american bastards."
And that was my education.
John: wow!
It's fascinating when a
Country's culture seeps into
Their math lessons -- although
It's not surprising.
As a british child, our math
Questions were, "if johnny has
Two artifacts, and dinesh has
Two artifacts, then how many
Artifacts is johnny about to
Have?
The answer, of course: all the
Artifacts.
Dinesh's family can come visit
Them in the british museum
Whenever they're in town.
And the notion that north korea
Is working on a b*mb that can
"k*ll all the american bastards"
Is a tremendous source of
National pride -- there have
Been stamps depicting missiles
Hurtling towards the u.s.
Capitol, and a few years ago,
They produced a video depicting
The destruction of new york, set
To the least appropriate song
Imaginable.
♪ ♪
Yes, that was a karaoke version
Of "we are the world", set to
New york in flames.
And the last time I saw a
Karaoke song with background
Imagery that inappropriate was
Every time I have ever sung
Karaoke.
I don't know what l.l. Cool j's
"Doin' it" has to do with these
Two babies in a field of
Sunflowers, but it's making me
Uncomfortable.
So the north korean regime has
Been very careful about
Presenting a threatening image
Of americans to its people.
And some activists have actually
Been trying to undermine that by
Sneaking information into the
Country on usb drives.
Kangchol hwan: we send
Various content from stories on
Human rights, general
Information on south korea, to
Images depicting the average
American.
Karla murthy: or a fictional
Version of the average american:
Tv shows like "the mentalist"
And "desperate housewives."
Kang says scenes like this one
From "ncis"--
Ncis detective: anything you
Say can and will be used against
You in a court of law.
Karla murthy: -- that show
Police officers reading suspects
Their rights are especially
Useful.
John: well, if nothing else,
We finally have our answer to
The decade-long question: "who
The f*ck is watching 'ncis'?"
It's all your mom's friends, and
The people of north korea.
And if you think about it,
That's very dangerous for kim
Jong un.
If people get a sense that the
Image of america he has
Carefully painted for them is
False, he could have big
Problems.
And when you understand him in
That light -- as a dictator
Desperately hedging against a
Loss of power -- it's possible
To understand why all his recent
Threats against the united
States have been reckless, but,
In his mind, rational.
And that brings us to the key
Question:
What are we going to do about
This?
On the campaign trail, donald
Trump made it all seem simple.
Trump: they said, "would you
Speak to the leader of north
Korea?"
I said, "absolutely.
Why not?
Why not?"
And they come out, "trump would
Speak to him!"
Who the hell cares?
I'll speak to anybody.
Who knows?
There's a ten percent or a
Twenty percent chance that I can
Talk him out of those damn
Nukes, 'cause who the hell wants
Him to have nukes?
And there's a chance!
John: except no, there really
Isn't.
Partly remember: kim jong-un
Believes they are critical for
His survival, and on top of
That, donald trump is a shitty
Negotiator.
In his short presidency, he's
Failed to get mexico to pay for
His stupid wall, failed to get a
Congress his party controls to
Pass a health care bill, and
Even when his administration
Does get something done, it
Oversells it, like when the
White house announced a trade
Deal with china as "very big
News", "gigantic", and
"Herculean", but its one
Much-celebrated component turned
Out to be lifting a ban on beef
Imports that china had
Preliminarily agreed to last
September.
So way to f*cking go, donald!
What a very big, herculean deal!
Thanks to you -- except not
Entirely thanks to you --
America is now marginally more
Able to export beef again!
And since taking office, trump
Has voiced support for an even
Simpler solution:
Trump: china is helping us
Possibly or probably with the
North korean situation.
Okay?
Which is a great thing.
Great.
John: so, in the span of 14
Seconds, he said the word
"Great" twice,
He pronounced "china" with three
Syllables, suggested someone
Else should do the work for him,
And threw in a "possibly or
Probably", rendering the whole
Thing meaningless.
I think I just hit trump bingo,
And the prize I want is to go
Drown in a river.
But trump's idea of convincing
China to exert influence on
North korea is not inherently
Crazy -- china shares an
Korea, and accounts for as much
As 90 percent of north korea's
Total trade, so they have
Significant leverage.
But some are skeptical about
Just what china could, or is
Willing to, do.
Take sanctions.
The u.n. Have tried multiple
Rounds of increasingly-harsh
Sanctions, but north korea has
Found easy ways around them.
Ri jong ho: north korea is a
Companies change their names the
Next day if they are listed for
Sanctions.
That way the company stays, but
With different names whenever
There are sanctions.
If I'm included in the list, my
Name can be changed too.
John: yeah, that is some weak
Enforcement.
Think about it this way:
Let's say hbo decided they
Wanted to cancel this show.
Their hand would be pretty weak
If I was able to get around that
Simply by changing the name to
"Earlier times but now, starring
Spance mörgendörffer."
And it's true that china could
Increase enforcement of its
Sanctions, but they're
Understandably worried about
Where it could lead.
Zakaria: what they worry
About is, if they do that, will
The regime collapse?
What does that mean?
Millions of refugees pouring
Into china, possibly a unified
Korea that is then a
Pro-american country sitting on
Their southern border, which,
Don't forget, there are 30,000
American troops in south korea,
Which would then be on china's
Border, and, by the way, 15
Nuclear weapons.
John: you know there are a
Lot of problems when you end up
Saying "and by the way: 15
Nuclear weapons."
Imagine if you were a babysitter
"Okay, you've got his epipen,
You know about his nut allergy,
He needs his inhaler every hour
And by the way: he has 15
Nuclear weapons."
Now, trump's also been
Mentioning military solutions.
But even targeted strikes
Against weapons systems could
Get out of hand very fast.
North korea has an estimated
Stationed just north of the dmz,
Which is here.
And that a*tillery is capable of
Reaching seoul, which is 40
Miles away, and is an area with
So even a non-nuclear w*r could
Have horrifying results.
And let's engage in some truly
Magical thinking:
What if you could somehow "just"
Take out kim jong un?
Well, you've probably got an
Immediate humanitarian crisis,
As well as a leaderless country
With a power vacuum and nuclear
Weapons.
And as we've learned from iraq
And afghanistan, when regimes
Fall and there's no plan in
Place, that vacuum can be filled
With terrible things.
We don't want to find out what
North korea's !sis would be.
Even just the phrase "north
Korea's !sis" is terrifying.
It's like saying "9/11's bill
Cosby."
What would that even be?
I hope we never have to find
Out.
So sanctions are no guarantee,
And military action could be
Catastrophic.
And diplomacy is going to be
Extremely difficult, given that
You usually need to have a
Specific goal in mind, and trump
Seems to be making all of this
Up as he goes.
Erin burnett: "we are
Learning stunning new details
About president trump's
Extraordinary fire and fury
Threat tonight, multiple sources
Telling cnn the president
Adlibbed those words, they were
Improvised on the fly.
John: oh, for f*ck's sake.
That's just not a good idea.
As I'm sure someone has said to
Wayne brady at a funeral more
Than once: now is not a good
Time to improvise.
Here's a one-word suggestion,
Wayne: mourn.
Mourn like a person.
And look, that's not a surprise!
Deep down, we all assumed he was
Winging it.
We've become accustomed to
Discounting a percentage of what
Comes out of his face.
But north korea is listening to
What he says.
And the people there have been
Primed for decades to believe
America is on the brink of an
Invasion.
Just look at their government's
Response to his "fire and fury"
Line:
The american commander in
Chief remains stuck at a golf
Course, oblivious to what is
Happening and talking about such
Nonsense as 'fire and fury'.
Since it is impossible to have
Talks with people who are
Incapable of rational thought,
The strategic armed forces has
Judged that we must respond with
Absolute force.
John: okay, just to be clear:
The president is not "stuck" at
A golf course.
Unless the cart ran out of gas
And he has to walk.
In which case, yes, the
President is very much stuck at
The golf course, and may very
Well need to be airlifted out.
So this is where we are: we have
Two nuclear-armed leaders, who
Are accustomed to issuing empty
Threats to impress their own
People, currently goading each
Other towards armageddon.
Which is terrifying.
And I don't really have a
Solution to this.
But part of me would love the
Chance to speak directly to the
North korean people.
So on the off chance that this
Show is smuggled over their
Border on a usb drive crammed
With ncis episodes, I'll just
Say this:
Hi, north korea.
You may be hearing some
Frightening rhetoric from our
President.
But -- if it helps -- when our
President says words, he doesn't
Necessarily mean what those
Words mean.
It's incredibly hard to
Describe.
We're still trying to wrap our
Heads around it ourselves.
It's our problem, but it's kind
Of your problem now, too.
But I want to talk to you about
Some misconceptions.
Because we certainly have some
About you, but you should
Ideally know that we are not
Remotely what your state
Propaganda implies, either.
We honestly don't spend our days
Plotting your destruction.
We spend them sharing cat
Memes, and spinning fidgii, and
Getting furiously angry about a
Singing boy barely appearing in
Our favorite dragon show.
So for what it's worth, I'd like
To give you a sense of how
America is feeling right now, in
A way that you might understand
And enjoy.
And that's through the
International language of the
Accordion.
And I have good news and bad
News.
The bad news is, I do not play
The accordion.
The good news is, I know someone
Who plays it like a f*cking
Angel.
Ladies, gentlemen, and the
People of north korea, please
Welcome mr. Weird al yankovic.
[Cheers and applause]
♪ Would you ♪
♪Annihilate us if you had the
Chance? That's ♪
♪ Such an anti-social thing to
Do ♪
♪ You've got us crapping our
Collective pants ♪
♪ May I suggest you take it down
A notch or two? ♪
♪ We're not exactly sure why
You're upset ♪
♪ Did that seth rogen movie make
You super mad? ♪
♪ You'd like us if you got to
Know us I bet ♪
♪ We're mostly harmless, decent
People ♪
♪ Hey, we're really not so bad
My point is ♪
♪ Please don't nuke us, north
Korea! ♪
♪ Right now we're all a little
Tense ♪
♪ Believe me, we don't hate you!
Frankly ♪
♪ We don't even think that much
About you ♪
♪ No offense! ♪
♪ Now you might call us "blood
Thirsty dogs" ♪
♪ But that metaphor's not very
Apt ♪
♪ We're just a bunch of simple
Fidget spinnin' goofy dorks ♪
♪ Who probably couldn't find
Your country on a map ♪
♪ No, we're not savages or
Cannibals. Well ♪
♪ Maybe just a really, really,
Really small percent ♪
♪ So I think it would be best if
You'd knock off ♪
♪ Those m*ssile tests ♪
♪ Don't turn us into cinder
While we're swipin' right on
Tinder ♪
♪ Don't jump-start armageddon or
Our beds we'll soon be wettin' ♪
♪ Won't you think this through
For a moment. Please ♪
♪ Now why would you b*mb our
Nice celebrities? ♪
♪ Oh, why in the world would you
k*ll tom hanks? ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody doesn't like tom
Hanks! ♪
[Cheers and applause]
♪ So, please don't nuke us north
Korea! ♪
♪ That would seriously ruin our
Day. Remember ♪
♪ We're not evil psychotic
Monsters ♪
♪ No matter what the news might
Say ?
♪ We're just those goofballs
From the u.s. ♪
♪ Aaaaaaaaa hey! ♪
[Cheers and applause]
John: that's our show.
Thank you for watching, we'll
See you next week.
Good night!
♪ ♪
04x21 - 2017 North Korea crisis
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.