07x25 - 2020 United States elections

[bunniefuu]

Hi there!

Welcome to the show, still

Taking place in this blank void.

Think of it like antarctica,

It's a blindingly white expanse

Occasionally interrupted
by a single well-dressed bird.

And it has been a genuinely

Extraordinary week for

The white house.

A sign of just how crazy things

Got is that we don't have time

To talk about the fact that

Trump reportedly paid income tax

Ranging from the high three

Figures all the way down to

Zero figures for multiple years,

Or the fact that his wife was

Caught on tape essentially

Saying "f*ck christmas,"

Or even this moment in tuesday's

Catastrophic debate.

The low point of the debate,

And possibly of trump's entire

Campaign, was when the president

Refused to condemn

White supremacists.

Are you willing tonight to

Condemn white supremacists and
militia groups?

Sure.

And to say that they need

To stand down and not add

To the v*olence in a number of

These cities.

I'm willing to do anything,

I want to see peace.

Well, then do it, sir.

Do it, say it.

You want to call them...

What do you want to call them?

Give me a name.

White supremacists and

Right-wing militias.

Proud boys.

Proud boys, stand back and

Stand by.

That does not get

Any easier to watch.

Because the question was
"do you condemn

White supremacists?"
To which trump responded by

Essentially rallying them.

And it's hard to imagine another

Debate question that easy, or an

Answer that horrible, aside from

Maybe chris wallace asking "how

Many fingers am I holding up?"

And trump responding, "hitler

Had some really good ideas."

But obviously, the biggest news

Of the week came early friday

Morning, when trump revealed

That he and melania had tested

Positive for the coronavirus.

It was news that felt both

Shocking and utterly inevitable,

Especially given that just three

Days earlier, he'd stood on

A debate stage and, when asked

About whether he'd downplayed

The efficacy of masks,

I mean, I have a mask right

Here.

I put a mask on, you know, when

I think I need it.

When needed, I wear masks.

Okay.

Let me ask...

I don't... I don't wear

A mask like him.
Every time you see him, he's got

A mask.

He could be speaking 200 feet

Away from him, he shows up

With the biggest mask I've ever

Seen. What are you doing?

Biden wears a mask in situations

Where it's dangerous not to.

I can only imagine what trump

Would be like standing next

To a beekeeper.

"I don't wear a beekeeper suit

Like him.

Every time you see him, he's

Wearing a beekeeper suit.

Not me, because I'm smart and

Strong.

This whole bee thing is a hoax

Anyway."

Look, obviously, the president

Having the coronavirus is

A very big deal.

And we're recording this

On saturday, so who knows what's

Happened over the last 24 hours.

What I do know is that so far,

The white house has handled

The situation terribly.

First, the news only came out

After reporters discovered that

One of trump's closest aides,

Hope hicks, who'd traveled with

Trump to the debate, had tested

Positive.

Prompting the obvious question

Of when the president learned

He'd been exposed, and what he'd
done about it, and the answers

There weren't great.

The white house knew on

Thursday morning that hope hicks

Had symptoms of coronavirus, but

Despite that, the president went

Ahead with plans to travel

To new jersey for a fundraiser

Anyway.

It was deemed safe for

The president to go.

He socially distanced, it was an

Outdoor event, and it was deemed

Safe by white house operations.

Okay, normally I'd

Criticize the white house

Operations team for either

Having no f*cking clue what is

And isn't safe or just not

Caring, but given that there's

A pretty good chance that most

Of them have covid now,

I guess I'll just say,

"Feel better, guys."

And so many of the decisions

Trump and those around him made

This week now look appalling

In hindsight... From his family

Refusing to wear masks

At tuesday's debate, to failing

To notify anyone on the biden

Team that they may have been

Exposed, to the fact that

The fundraiser he attended

Just before testing positive

Was a f*cking buffet!

But maybe the event that looks

The worst took place last

Weekend.

There is also some focus

On this event that was held

At the white house last saturday

When the president announced his

Pick for the supreme court,

Amy coney barrett.

We know that utah senator

Mike lee, who was at that event,

The president of notre dame, who

Was also at that event, have

Both tested positive now for

The coronavirus.

Obviously, white house officials

Were at that event, and so there

Is the potential that all of

This began there.

Yes, much like

The slew of utterly horrifying

Supreme court rulings over

The next few decades, it seems

We may look back on last

Saturday's white house event and

Say, "all of this began there."

And there is something utterly

Infuriating about watching them

Hugging each other when many in

This country haven't seen their

Families for months or have died

Alone in a hospital!

And it's not just that they're

Putting themselves at risk...

More importantly, it's that

They're risking infecting

Others.

The thing about a highly

Contagious virus is, your

Recklessness could end up

k*lling someone you never meet.

And they're still doing it!

Bill barr, who was at that event

And may have been exposed,

Is choosing not to quarantine

Himself.

Meanwhile, four republicans who

Traveled with trump this week

Not only didn't quarantine,

They showed up to the house

To vote in person, then three

Of them took a delta flight

Home!

The frustrating thing is,

Republicans seem to be handling

This outbreak the way they've

Handled the whole pandemic, with

A mixture of denialism, hubris,

And treating it more as

A p.r crisis than one of

Public health, which has had

Huge knock-on effects.

And there might be no better

Example of this than this trump

Supporter... Outside the

Hospital trump was rushed to on

Friday... Explaining why he

Wasn't wearing a mask.

Well, I'm young, and I'm not

At risk for covid, so with the

Survival rates that we've seen,

It's frankly hysteria what we're

Seeing with covid, so.

Are you ever concerned you

Could possibly be asymptomatic
and pass it to someone else?

Yes, I do have those

Concerns, but I don't buy into

The fearmongering.

What the hell are you

Talking about?

You're only there because the

President of the united states

Is in the building behind you

With a pretty bad case of

Fearmongering.

And as much as you want to shout

At that guy, you have to

Remember that this

Administration has been

Downplaying the virus so much

And for so long, that for

Trump's die-hard supporters, any

Sort of concern isn't seen as

A sensible precaution, it's seen

As fearmongering.

But fear is not a bad thing.

It's what stops you from

Chopping your hand off with

A meat cleaver, or petting

An angry dog, or crossing

A busy street without looking.

And this week, more than ever,

Proves that in the midst of

A pandemic, when you act without

Caution, you cannot expect

The virus to simply "stand back

And stand by."

And now this.

And now...

Newscasters trying to have fun

With what month it is.

It is thursday, october 1st.

Big day.

Happy october. I know, right?

We made it to spooky season.

Welcome back, everyone.

Spooky season is here.

Well, guys, now that is
officially october, we have

Spooky season right around

The corner.
I watched "hocus-pocus"

Last night. I am all in.

It's officially spooky

Season, so why not go to hell?

Hell, michigan.

It's october, marks the

Beginning of spooky season.

We are entering spooky

Season.

For many, the beginning

Of october is also the sign of

Spooky season.

Although, the pandemic is

Changing the way we do halloween

And virtually everything.

Moving on.

Our main story tonight concerns

The 2020 election... Among other

Things, the inspiration for the

Single best voting psa the world

Has ever seen.

Do you know who elects the d.a.?

We do.

But you don't want to vote.

Can't make it rain if you're
locked up on some bullshit.

Want to end cash bail?

Well, then, vote for the

Sheriffs and county officials

That feel the same way you do.

But you talkin' about, "oh,

They gonna pick who they gonna

Pick, shorty."

Ferguson just elected their

First black mayor.
You know how that happened?

For information on how and where

To vote, as well as resources to

Find out who's running where you

Live, go to

Getyourbootytothepoll.com

Excellent.

They hit prosecutors, cash bail,

Sheriffs, and the importance of

Down ballot races... All

Subjects we've talked about

Before... But did it in

Less time and more

Entertainingly, while also

Providing a much better

"Get out the vote" message

Than anyone currently working

For joe biden.

I have no notes.

And even though trump is

Currently in the hospital with

Coronavirus, and everything's up

In the air right now... We're

Taping this on saturday, so who

Knows what things are like

Whenever you're watching this...

We do need to talk about

This election, because it's

Happening right now.

More than three million votes

Have already been cast.

And yet, trump and his

Supporters have engaged

In a deliberate campaign

To undermine the process.

For months now, trump has

Been questioning whether he will

Even leave.

In general, not talking about

November, are you a good loser?

I'm not a good loser.

I don't like to lose.

I don't lose too often.

I don't like to lose.

But are you gracious?

You don't know until you see.

It depends.

I think mail-in voting is... Is

Going to rig the election.

I really do.

Are you suggesting that you

Might not accept the results of

The election?

You know, I have to see.

Yeah, he has to see.

And by that, of course, he means

He has to see if he wins.

Because if he doesn't, he'll

Refuse to accept the results.

Deep down, you know there is

No scenario in which trump

Loses, but decides the process

Was legit, and then shows up

To biden's house with

A congratulatory ice cream cake.

That is just not going

To happen.
And look, given the frequency

With which one party tried to

Destabilize this election, we

Thought tonight, it might be a

Good idea to take a look at the

Ways they've tried to do that,

And even more importantly,

How we can help prevent that

From happening.

And first, let's acknowledge

There is nothing new in

Republicans attempting

To depress turnout.

They've done it for years,

Sometimes with a veneer of

"Fighting voter fraud," and

Tactics like strict voter i.d.

Laws and purging voter rolls.

But sometimes, they've just said

It out loud.

I don't want everybody

To vote.

Elections are not won by

A majority of people, they never

Have been from the beginning of

Our country, and they are not

Now.

As a matter of fact, our

Leverage in the elections,
quite candidly, goes up as

The voting populace goes down.

Now that man is

Paul weyrich... A founding

Father of modern conservatism,

And the cofounder of

Right-wing groups like

The heritage foundation and

The moral majority.

Although, I'm not sure you can

Really keep calling it a

"Moral majority," when

The philosophy of one of your

Founders is "immorally suppress

The majority of voters."

But the fact is that this year,

The trump campaign is

Turbocharging efforts to mess

With the vote.

For a start, the president has

Repeatedly instructed his

Supporters to go to polling

Places and monitor for incidents

Of fraud.

Watch those ballots.

I don't like it.

You know, you have a democrat

Governor, you have all these

Democrats watching that stuff.

Be poll watchers when you go

There.

Watch all the thieving and

Stealing and robbing they do.

Yeah, that's not good.

Because he's not describing

Official poll watchers there,

People whose role is to monitor

Elections so everyone is treated

Fairly. He's essentially giving

His supporters the green light

To walk into polling places and

Start playing f*cking ballot

Batman.

And it's not like we haven't

Had problems with aggressive

Poll-watching in the past.

In 1981, the year after weyrich

Spoke, the rnc formed a fake

National ballot security task

Force and hired armed off-duty

Policemen to patrol largely

Black and hispanic precincts

In new jersey, where they

Prominently displayed revolvers

And armbands with

The task force's name.

And just, as a general rule,

Revolvers and armbands at

A polling site is never

A great look, considering that

The literal definition of an

Actual n*zi is someone with g*ns

And armbands who threatens

The safety of the polls.

That incident caused such

An outcry, the democrats sued,

And the rnc entered into a

Consent decree pledging to

Stop such behavior in the

Future, which is great.

Unfortunately, a judge lifted

That consent decree in 2018.

Because if there's one thing

Republicans have done over

The last few years,

It's regain a nation's trust.

And the thing is, even if trump

Supporters don't show up to

Harass voters, there are plenty

Of other reasons in-person

Voting could be tricky this

Year.

Thanks to the pandemic, many

Poll workers are choosing to

Stay at home, and many polling

Sites may be closed.

Which could cause real problems,

Especially for latino and black

Voters, who already face

Substantially longer wait times

Than white voters.

We've already seen the impact

Of fewer polling places in this

Year's primaries, because watch

This georgia voter show you how

Long his line was.

Seven hours, 45 minutes, and



Vote in fulton county, georgia.

As soon as I saw the line,

I hit the stopwatch on my phone.

I spent the first couple hours

Listening to the new

Run the jewels album.

And then I ended up listening

To the entire discography.

And then I started watching

Season 8 of

"Curb your enthusiasm."

That's five hours.

It was 1:00 in the morning and
somebody was like, "hey, y'all

Remember we came to vote

Yesterday, right?"

Holy shit.

Can you imagine watching

Five hours of streaming video

On your phone while standing

In line to vote?

You can't?

What if each video was less than

Ten minutes at a time, with

Commercials?

Still no?

How about if you could watch

The show vertically or

Horizontally?

No again?

Okay, sorry, quibi, I guess it's

You're a bad idea.

Bad idea!

I hate to break this to

You $2 billion in.
You know what... Who knows?

Maybe one of your shows will

Be a hit, like the one about

Flipping houses where grisly

Murders took place. Really?

Aw, come on.

Stranger things have happened.

After all, hbo max still exists,

And they charge $14.9...

Absolutely right.
You are completely right.

I can't argue with that.

And when you take all this

Together... The long lines,

The possibility of harassment,

And the looming threat of

The pandemic... It's no wonder

That around 40% of americans say

They'll be voting by mail this

Year.

But that has actually opened up

A whole new front in

Republicans' w*r on

Democratic votes.

And to understand why, it helps

To understand one key statistic:

The majority of trump supporters

Say they'll vote in person on

Election day, while the majority

Of biden supporters say they'll

Vote by mail.

So it's clearly very much in

Trump's interest to try and

Discredit voting by mail,

Claiming it's rife with fraud,

Despite the fact... As studies

And court cases have repeatedly

Shown... It isn't.

And it's not just trump claiming

They're illegitimate, even

Bill barr, his attorney general,

Has joined in, saying shit like

This.

When... When government

Governments start adopting these

Practices like mail-in ballots

That open the floodgates of

Potential fraud, then people's

Confidence in the outcome of the

Election is gonna be undermined.

And that could take the country

To a very dark place if we lose

Confidence in the outcomes of

Our elections.

Yeah, but you're

The one undermining

Our confidence!

You're doing it right there!

And as for the notion that

"This could take the country

To a dark place?"

I don't know if you've noticed,

But everything within driving

Distance of disneyland is

Covered in smoke, there's

A global pandemic that just

Infected the president, and

You're on television in stupid

Woody allen glasses calling

The legitimacy of our democracy

Into question.

We're in that very dark place

Already, billiam.

Trump himself has gone out of

His way to claim that all manner

Of ballot fraud is already

Taking place.

He even rattled off examples

During tuesday's debate.

They're sending millions of

Ballots all over the country.

There's fraud.

They found them in creeks.

They found some, just happened

To have the name "trump" just

The other day in a wastepaper

Basket.
They're being sent all over

The place.

They sent two in a democrat

Area. They sent out a thousand

Ballots.

Everybody got two ballots.

This is going to be a fraud like

You've never seen.

Okay, I know that

Sounds like a lot, but... As

You've probably guessed... That

Was a 12-course tasting menu

Of horseshit.

Because he is wildly

Misrepresenting every single

One of those cases.

First, on the ballots in the

Creek example, he seems to

Be referring to reports of

A few absentee ballots

In wisconsin being found

In trays of mail that were found

In a ditch.

But you should know, the trays

Were full of all sorts of mail,

And state election officials

Later clarified they actually

"Did not include any wisconsin

Ballots" whatsoever.

As for the wastepaper basket

Example, that was an incident

Where a temp worker, who'd only

Worked at the county election

Office for three days,

Mistakenly discarded nine

Ballots, and when his bosses

Realized what he'd done,

They immediately reported it

To law enforcement at the local,

State, and federal level.

And just spare a quick thought

For that temp.

Imagine if some stupid mistake

You made at work ended up being

Held up as evidence of

A left-wing conspiracy against

The president.

Imagine buying the wrong k-cups

For the break-room and next

Thing you know, tucker carlson

Is on tv screaming about how

The radical left is
decaffeinating the suburbs.

And finally, as for those

Thousand extra ballots he

Mentioned... That was a f*ck up

Where some voters in

Fairfax county, virginia,

Were sent two mail-in ballots

By mistake.

Which sounds bad, but the key

Thing to understand is that

Because ballots are matched to

Individual voters, the system

Is designed to prevent people

Voting twice.

You may have two ballots,

But you can only cast one.

And look, mistakes are going to

Happen in an election with over



They shouldn't, but they will.

And when they do, we should move

Fast to correct them.

But none of those examples trump

Cited, all of which have lit up

Right-wing media, appear to

Be part of any scheme

To steal votes.

And if they are, the scheme

Seems to be horribly

Coordinated,

Totally nonsensical, and

Extremely dumb.

So the fact is that fears over

Mail-in ballot fraud have been

Wildly overblown.

And to the extent there is any

Danger with them, it's actually

A far more mundane one, and

That's that you could end up
having your ballot rejected for

Technical reasons.

In the 2020 primaries,

More than 550,000 ballots

Were rejected in 30 states

Due to missing signatures,

Missed deadlines, or signatures

That could not be verified.

Think about that...

Over half a million ballots

Were rejected in the primaries!

That's practically an entire

Wyoming disappearing

Into thin air.

That is really bad, unless it's

The actual wyoming disappearing,

In which case, it might be for

The best.

It's a semi-arid sandbox filled

With fluffy cows and nothing.

The most famous part of wyoming

Is the state trying to swallow

Itself up, and the second most

Famous part is it spitting

Itself out again.

It's clear that even you don't

Like you, wyoming, and it's

Getting hard for the rest of us

To watch.

And to be fair to voters,

Ballots can be tricky.

Some states have secrecy

Envelopes, which you don't sign,

Which you then have to put

Inside a declaration envelope,

Which you do.

It can be confusing, so make

Sure you read the instructions

Carefully.

And it's also surprisingly

Important to think about

The signature that you're using.

Because they match them against

The one they have on record for

You, either from when you

Registered to vote, or the one

You have on file at the dmv.

And replicating your own

Signature can be more difficult

Than you might expect, as this

Handwriting expert explains.

Orsini says no two signatures

Are identical and vary over

Time.

Hand size and age and

Illness, medication.

The writing position

They were in.

Were they depressed?

All of those kind of factors

Come into play.

Look at these actual

Signatures from former president

Richard nixon over a six-year

Period.

It does not look like the

Same person.

Exactly.

But yet it is.
It's the same signature.

Yeah, the truth is,

Our signatures change over time.

And sometimes, over the course

Of a single day, because let's

Be honest, we all have at least

Two signatures... The real one,

And your coffee shop signature,

Which is usually just a line

And, depending on your mood,

A couple of loop-de-loops.

Look, you're getting a muffin,

What are you gonna do,
calligraph the ipad?

Of course not.

It's your pointer finger,

It's not your art finger.

It's for pointing.

And in theory, some states

Are supposed to let you know

If your ballot was disqualified,

But in practice,

That doesn't always happen.

Just watch one california man

Learn it happened to him

In 2018.

Tattoo artist johnny trevino

Loves to create.

Good to go.

Drawing on human skin.

Look at how smooth it is,

Too.

That's why trevino says it

Came as a shock when we showed

Him that the way he draws his

Signature actually caused his

Ballot to be rejected during the

Last major election in 2018.

The reason is no signature

Match.

I wish I would have known this.

Does that frustrate you?

Yes.

Because I'm a tattoo artist and

Sometimes I write it beautiful

And sometimes I just sign it

Quick.

And I bet you a lot of people do

That.

Okay, that is

Unfortunate to find out.

Although I will say,

"Sometimes I write it beautiful

And sometimes I just sign it

Quick" is one of the last things

You want to hear from someone

Giving you a tattoo.

It's right up there with

"You know, I'm more of

A hands-free artist."

But look, let's say that none of

What I've talked about so far

Turns out to be a problem.

Everyone behaves themselves at

Polling places, the lines aren't

Too long, and nobody fucks up

Their mail-in ballot.

There is still one more

Potential wrinkle in this

Election, and it happens after

You've voted.
Because mail-in ballots in

Particular can take a long time
to count.

Which does make sense... It's

A logistical nightmare.

Before the count can begin,

A series of procedures need to

Be followed... Like making sure

The vote count from a particular

Precinct matches up with

The actual number of ballots

Received.

The city of grand rapids has

Issued some 35,000 absentee

Ballots.

Just the simple process of

Opening that many envelopes,

That takes a long time.

Yeah, of course it

Does. 35,000 Is a shit-ton of

Envelopes, and opening them is

Going to take a long f*cking

Time.

Which, by the way, should

Probably be the official tagline

Of every single award show:

The oscars!

There are a shit ton of

Envelopes to open, so it's gonna

Take a long f*cking time!

Sunday, 8:00, 7:00 central,

On abc.

And making it worse, in some

Key battleground states, like
pennsylvania and wisconsin,

They're not even allowed to

Begin processing mail-in ballots

Until election day itself.

Which brings us to something

Very important.

Because there is a natural

Vulnerability here that

The trump campaign may be able

To exploit if we're not

Extremely careful.

Remember, he may receive

A larger proportion of in-person

Votes, and those will get

Counted faster, leading to

A potential problem.

Election experts say one

Possible election scenario is

What is known as the blue shift.

With trump ahead on election

Night and biden pulling in front

After election night through

Mail-in ballots.
There is no such thing as

Election night results.

They're only partial results and

They always have been partial
results.

Exactly.

Many votes are counted after

Election night.

And this year, the discrepancy

In how people vote could lead to

A so-called "blue shift," which

I know sounds like a euphemism

For a smurf's bowel movement,

But it actually refers to

The idea that, since more biden

Supporters are voting by mail,

Democrats could initially be

Behind, then pull ahead once all

The mail ballots are counted.

The concern is that, in that

Early stage, the trump campaign

Could declare victory, and claim

Any additional ballots are

Fraudulent.

He himself has tweeted that we

"Must know election results on

The night of the election,

Not days, months, or even
years later."

We don't

Need to know on the night, at

All.

Projecting winners on election

Night can be a bit like

Summarizing "get out" when

You've only seen the beginning:

It's about a young man who meets

His girlfriend's parents for the

First time, which is obviously

Nerve-racking!

But luckily, her parents seem

Like a couple of real sweeties,

So everything's cool!

Yeah, that's how it starts, but

Maybe you should stop talking

Until you know the whole story.

And in an election with so many

Mail-in votes, it may take

Significantly longer to get

The final results than it has in

The past, and the swing could be

Even more pronounced.

That is why election officials

Are so anxious to reset our

Expectations.

The expectation is election

Night, like most election

Nights, around midnight, 1:00,

We know who the president is

Going to be.

And in 2020, that is simply not

Going to be the case.

The expectation should be that

We will probably not know the

President of the united states

Until mid to late november.

Yeah, if this election

Is close, we may not know

For a while.

So it might help to stop
thinking of it as

"Election night" and more as an

"Election month," which is a lot

Like when someone says it's

Their "birthday month" in that

The very concept makes every

Decent american want to vomit.

And this is going to take an

Adjustment on everybody's part,

From individual voters,

To tv networks that are

Accustomed to going all-out

In selling "election night"

As an event.

To social media networks that

Could become cesspools of
misinformation.

So there are a lot of places

Where republicans might be able

To put their thumb on the scale

This election.

And if you think any of this is

Me being paranoid, you should

Know, it's already started.

In wisconsin, republican
legislators threatened to sue

Elections officials for holding

An early-voting event where



Suggesting they might seek to

Have all those votes
invalidated.

Meanwhile, in texas, their

Governor has insisted that

Drop-off locations for absentee

Ballots be limited to just one

Per county, whether it's

Loving county, which has just



Which has more than

Four million,

Although I guess that does track

With texas's famous slogan:
don't mess with texas, unless

You're directing them to a

Single voting nexus,

Even while some of them could be

Dangerously infectious.

That slogan never made sense

To me until just now.

And this brings us to our final

What can we do to help

The system run smoother?

Well, luckily, there are steps

You can take.

First, as an individual,
make a plan to vote.

You can find information for

Your state at canlvote.org.

If you want to do it in-person,

On election day, that's great.

Although we don't want everyone

Doing that, because remember:

With fewer polling places open

This year, that could lead to a

"Run the jewels" listening party

That nobody wants.

So if your schedule is flexible

Enough, and you live in a state

Where you can vote early, you

Should do that, especially to

Make the lines shorter on

Election day for those who don't

Have that luxury.

Now if you want to vote by

Mail, that's great, too.

But we should be trying to

Flatten the voting curve to take

The pressure off the system.

So request your ballot as early

As possible, read all the

Instructions, and send it back,

Or drop it off, as soon as

You've filled it in.

Oh, and also, do be careful with

Your signature, unless you want

Some local news reporter to show

Up two years from now and tell

You your vote didn't count and

Throw your skills as a tattoo

Artist into significant doubt.

And by the way, if you're still

Worried about mailing your

Ballot in, it is worth knowing



Ballot tracking, so you can

Be sure it was received and

Counted.

And you should absolutely use

That resource if you can.

The really important thing to

Remember is, this election is

Already very different from all

Those before it.

So we all need to be on top of

Not only our own voting plans,

But making sure our friends and

Family are on top of theirs as

Well.

Because I have to say, if your

Plan is to just sit back and

Expect the system to magically

Work itself out, and that this

Man will have a three-quarter

Life crisis and suddenly turn

Into a "good loser," I'm sorry

To say, but that's simply a

Bad idea!

It really is.

And now, this.

And now...

People miss a lot of things due
to the pandemic.

There is nothing like going

To an irish pub in new york city

And having a pint of guinness.

That's when I mess.

One thing I miss is opening

Candles and just smelling.
But now that I am so...

Practically paranoid about

Touching services, I'm not going
to touch anything I don't buy.

I miss hugging, I am a hugger

And I miss hugging.

I hugged some trees in my

Yard.
That is how desperate I got.

I miss the central park

Zoo's.
I miss disneyland so much.

I miss my vanilla latte.

I miss miss piggy.

The things I miss the most

About being with my girlfriend's

Brunch!

Face-to-face conversations.

You just don't have them.

I am right here.

I know you are right there.

You know what a mess?

Licking my fingers.

Licking my fingers.

Moving on.

Finally tonight, a quick word

About museums.

Think of them as history's

Instagram.

If this was posted in 2020, it

Wouldn't be called "luncheon of

The boating party," it'd be

Called "brunch time with

My best baes.

#Sunsoutgunsout.

#Oiloncanvas."

Like most industries, museums

Have taken a huge hit during

The pandemic, and some have had

To get imaginative about ways

To raise revenue and attention,

From live-streaming galas,

To offering free downloads of

Artwork to players of

Animal crossing, to this.

The penguins from the zoo

Got out and waddled around,

Enjoying a morning of fine art

And culture at

The nelson atkins' museum

In kansas city.

The animals taking a field

Trip... Look at that awesome

Shot... To the museum while

It's closed to the public.

And apparently, they had some

Very strong opinions.

They seemed to react much

Better to caravaggio than to

Monet.

Well, of course they

Did.

Penguins are aquatic flightless

Birds, not complete philistines.

Even they can appreciate

That caravaggio's use of light

Remains unparalleled

To this day.
The man practically invented

Chiaroscuro.

Whereas monet is at this point

Really more a pop culture

Figure.

I mean, what did he really do

Other than vomit pastels and

Give unimaginative dumb dumbs

Something pretty to hang in
their powder rooms?

Listen, I don't think that.

Penguins do.

But the truth is, for many

Beloved institutions, it's just

Not going to be enough.

Most museums get 50% of their

Operating budgets from earned

Sources.

So from ticket sales, special

Programming, and purchases of

Tickets to those things.

According to a study

Conducted by the american

Alliance of museums, one-third

Of museums may permanently close

In the next year.

That's terrible.

Museums are supposed to be

Lasting monuments to scientific,

Cultural, and artistic interest,

Not be as disposable as

The fourth h&m in times square.

Things are so bad,

The association of art museum

Directors recently relaxed their

Guidelines, allowing museums to

Sell off pieces of art in order

To help make ends meet.

The brooklyn museum has already

Started doing that.

And it's not just major

Institutions.

There are tiny museums across

This country that are really

Struggling.

And this is where we may

Actually be able to help.

Because we've dabbled a bit in

The art market this year, and

Have acquired a small, but high

Quality collection of modern

Masterpieces.

You may remember "stay up late"

By brian swords of york.

It's a meditative piece

Depicting two rats in

A post-coital embrace.

In terms of importance,

It's very much the mona lisa of

Our collection, and swords the

Da vinci.

But that's not all.

We also acquired "ties" by

Judith kudlow, a multichromatic

Installment of her career-long

Exploration of a world without

Her husband, larry.

And we actually have a third

Piece we've haven't had a chance

To show you yet.

And before I show you, a little

Background.

You may remember back, say,


A segment on wendy williams's

Magnificent lockdown version

Of her talk show, where we

Complimented her eating many

Weird foodstuffs during her

Broadcast.

We even found and sent her

A sweatsuit she was looking for.

And shortly after, we received

A note from her show saying

They'd... And I quote... "Like

To gift john with a very elegant

Painting of wendy eating

A lamb chop."

And guess what?

We received it, and if this

Isn't a very elegant painting

Of wendy eating a lamb chop,

I simply don't know what is.

Look, in moments of suffering,

Humanity has, time and again,

Found solace in the arts.

So tonight, I'm proud to

Announce that this collection is

Available to go on tour.

That is right.

We're inviting any u.s. Museum

...as long as they can safely

Show them... To apply to host

These masterpieces.

We will send them to you, along

With a $10,000 donation, plus

Another $10,000 donation

To a food bank in your area.

We'll be picking five museums

To get them for two weeks

Apiece, and if you want to

Take part, you can email

John@johnoliverhasyourraterotica

.com by november 1st.

And if selected, soon, you too

Will be able to feast your eyes

Upon true art, like wendy is

Feasting upon that lamb chop.

You will not regret it.
I promise.

That's our show.

Thank you so much for watching.

We're off next week.

See you on october 18th.
Good night!