08x15 - Effect of climate in prisons

[bunniefuu]

LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER

Hi there ! Welcome to the show !
Still coming from this blank void,

entertainment's most upsetting
bastion of whiteness,

not counting the Hollywood
Foreign Press Association.

It's been another busy week.
Biden met with G7 leaders,

Jeff Bezos announced
he'll be heading to space

on the world's
first circumcised spacecraft,

and an internet conspiracy
about people becoming magnetic

after getting vaccinated
turned up at the Ohio State House.

We were talking
about Dr. Tenpenny's testimony

about magnetic vaccine crystals.

This is what I found out.
I have a key and a bobby pin here.

Explain to me
why the key sticks to me.

It sticks to my neck, too.

If somebody can explain this,
that would be great.

I can try to explain what this is.

Very basically, public education
is horribly underfunded

and scientific literacy is nowhere
near what it should be in this country,

creating a vacuum
of trust in legitimate research.

Meanwhile, people tend to try to seek
out the minimum amount of information

that lets them keep believing
what they already believe,

in your case,
that you're privy to secret knowledge

about a government conspiracy
to magnetize the people of Ohio.

All of that is probably why you felt
confident enough to trust some bullshit

that you read online so much
that you were willing to look

like a complete assh*le
in front of all those people.

And if you just meant the key thing,
people are sometimes sticky.

We're all kind of moist and gross
and keys stick to us sometimes.

That's it.

In New York, the news has been
dominated by the race for mayor.

Early voting in the primaries
started yesterday,

and, for the first time,
the city's using ranked choice voting,

something the mayor chose to explain
by imagining a pizza topping election.

Green peppers, ladies and gentleman,
right here, my number one choice.

A lot of people don't appreciate
green peppers enough.

Number two: olives, okay ?
This one's a little controversial.

Usually it's black olives,
could be green olives,

some people think olives belong
on a pizza, some people are against it,

but I have had very good experiences
with olives.

That is unhinged. Green peppers
as your number one choice ?

Green peppers
aren't even my number one pepper.

They're just unripe red ones.

There isn't a green pepper character
in the VeggieTales universe,

because they disprove
the existence of a loving God.

And your second choice
there is olives ? On a pizza ?

That you plan to eat with your mouth ?
Unacceptable, Bill !

The race for the Democratic nominee
is very much in flux.

Maya Wiley has been shoring up
progressive support,

while a consistent frontrunner,
former police officer Eric Adams,

had to defend himself this week
from a pretty unusual att*ck.

Democrat Eric Adams,

a leading contender
in New York City's mayoral race,

today insisting
he really does live in New York.

This is our small,
humble kitchen.

Taking reporters
on a tour of his Brooklyn pad

after a Politico piece
raised questions

about whether other tenants
were really living in the apartment,

if Adams is spending his time

at a property he owns
with his partner in New Jersey,

or if his home
is actually his office.

Eric Adams had to give reporters
a tour of a Brooklyn apartment

to prove that he lived there,
and not in New Jersey.

Which already doesn't look good.

Partly because
he att*cked Andrew Yang

for leaving the city
during the pandemic.

And partly because his argument that
he lives in that basement apartment

raises many more questions
than it answers.

Twitter detectives
flagged inconsistencies,

like the fact that, in 2017,
Adams tweeted a photograph

of his "hashtag plant-based fridge"
in "hashtag Bed-Stuy."

On this week's tour, that plant-based
fridge was nowhere to be found.

Because this was the fridge
in the apartment,

which you might notice
prominently features salmon,

something Adams claims belongs
to his son, who lives there with him.

Although everything
about that apartment,

from the decor to the fridge,
suggests it's his son who lives there,

and Adams who might
occasionally stay with him.

Is this the most important thing ?
No, not really.

But it is weird, and the way he's
choosing to handle it is even weirder.

And the thing is, that's not even the
strangest house tour Adams has given.

Because as a state senator in 2011,
he released this video teaching parents

how to search for contraband
that their kids might be hiding.

A jewelry box of this nature
may be a simple jewelry box,

but if you look through it closely,

you don't know
what your child may be hiding.

For instance,
a g*n could be hidden.

A small-caliber w*apon could be
hidden inside a jewelry box.

When your child bring in his popular
knapsack with many different locations,

look through it to see
what exactly is your child carrying,

in addition to a book.

Something simple as a cr*ck
pipe, a used cr*ck pipe.

Behind a picture frame,
you could find b*ll*ts.

A baby doll-could be
just a baby doll,

but also it could be a place
where you could secrete or hide dr*gs.

Honestly, that is all great, from
the b*ll*ts behind the picture frame,

to the "popular knapsack",
to the weird music.

But I want to focus
on the doll there.

Because what does Eric Adams
think a child is ?

In his scenario, your child is young
enough to be playing with baby dolls,

yet also,
old enough to be doing dr*gs.

What year of life encompasses
both those activities ?

Six and a half ? Maybe ?

Eric Adams is clearly a very odd man.
But he's not alone in that.

One of his closest rivals is Andrew
Yang, the answer to the question,

"What if the concept of 'dabbing'
was a person ?",

who on National Pets Day, posted,
"Celebrating our dog Grizzly

who we raised as a puppy
but had to give away

because one of our boys
became allergic to him.

Miss you Grizz !
'Hashtag dogs-for-yang'."

If you gave away your dog, you can
not post anything on National Pets Day.

Even if you have a dog,
you don't have to post anything.

Your dog's not gonna care
either way.

Dogs don't know what Twitter is,
it's why they're happy.

And other candidates have been
f*cking up some pretty basic questions.

As the New York Times
grilled the candidates,

some were stumped when asked if they
could name the median purchase price

of a home in Brooklyn.

Ray McGuire,
a banking executive, said,

"It's got to be somewhere in the


And Shaun Donovan,
former Federal Housing Secretary,

he said, "In Brooklyn, huh ?
I don't know for sure.

I would guess it's around $100,000."

You guessed wrong ! Because
the number is actually $900,000 !

Which is a real problem.

Because if these guys want to run a
city with an affordable housing crisis,

they might want to look
at the top Zillow search result

for "Brooklyn homes on sale
for less than $100,000,"

which is this empty lot that looks like
the setting of a filthy pigeon orgy.

But if some candidates
have seemed out-of-touch,

others have seemed
a little too eager to share.

When New York Magazine

asked the candidates about
the items they can't live without,

Republican Fernando Mateo

offered up, "Quilted Northern
Ultra Plush Toilet Paper,"

explaining, "I have big, strong hands,

so I need toilet paper that won't break
when I'm wiping my butt."

And that is already great.

It's funny, it's candid,
and he says, "wiping my butt."

It's excellent. But he didn't stop.
Because he continued,

"This has that toughness, but it's soft
enough for my sensitive areas."

Already, something that started as
a puff-piece about favorite products,

has turned into Mateo forcing you
to think about his sensitive anus.

And he closes strong, saying,
"I've used other toilet paper

and my hand has ripped
right through it; it's a mess.

I wrap the paper around my hand
a few times just so it doesn't break."

And come on !
Now we're in an existential tragedy.

He's like Lennie Small
or Frankenstein's monster,

a physical behemoth
enraptured by the lure of soft beauty,

but sadly, these cursed brute hands
know only destruction.

It's just magnificent.

If Mateo doesn't get elected mayor,

he'd at least make a much
better toilet paper spokesperson

than those weird sh1tting bears.

If you're thinking,

"There sure are a lot of weirdos
running for Mayor of New York."

Of course there are.
Because being a weirdo in this city

isn't a disqualifier,
it's a prerequisite.

Think about it: our last three mayors
were 9/11 Nosferatu,

a billionaire elf, and the goober
that you just saw say out loud,

"I have had very good experiences
with olives."

Weird is kind of a job
requirement here.

While it would be great if candidates
could be good at other stuff as well,

there's no denying
that the New York Mayor's Office

isn't just an opportunity
for innovative leadership,

it's also a calling to spend at least
four years as the weird person on TV

everyone gets mad
at for eating pizza wrong.

And now, this !

And now...

Someone Please Stop Stuart Varney
From Saying This.

Come back to this show
any time you like, okay, Tomi ?

It's my favorite show,
I hope to be back soon.

Flattery is the mother's milk
of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk
of television.

I'll have you know that Scott Shellady,
don't you ever forget it, lad.

And flattery is the mother's milk
of television.

Let me tell you something, flattery
is the mother's milk of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk
of television, or so I'm told.

Flattery is the mother's milk
of television.

Flattery is the mother's milk
of television...

Flattery is the mother's milk of
television, and that's very good stuff.

Flattery is the mother's milk
of television.

By the way, flattery
is the mother's milk of television,

and that is absolutely wonderful.

Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns the fact that summer's here !

It's been getting hotter and hotter
outside, so we thought,

"Why not take a break
and have some summer fun ?

We're allowed to have
some summer fun, right ?"

So tonight,
we're going to talk about popsicles !

There are tons of them in America !

And when they get too hot,
it can be a real problem !

Sorry, did I say popsicles ?
I meant prisons.

We're going to talk about prisons.
There are tons of them in America.

And when they get too hot,
it can be a real problem.

Don't act surprised.
You knew no fun was happening here.

You remember what our "summer fun"
episode was this time last year ?

Voting by mail.

Don't be mad at me, be mad
at yourself, you chose to be here.

And look, the fact is,
heat in prisons is a big problem.

We've talked repeatedly about
the injustices of mass incarceration,

and how little society seems to care.

And a pretty good example of that

is the fact that in some of the hottest
areas of the country, these states,

over half the prisons lack air
conditioning in their housing areas.

And in Texas, that's the case
in nearly 75% of their prisons.

And that is not good,
because in summer,

the heat index inside of them
can hit 150 degrees !

Plus, there is a growing
population of older prisoners,

whose age makes them more
susceptible to the heat.

And over 40% of incarcerated people
have a chronic medical condition,

raising their risk of heat stroke.

So, a lot of them worry about what
happens when the weather turns hot.

I have heart disease,
high blood pressure, diabetes.

That's three conditions
that even TDC admits

could make a person susceptible
to extreme heat conditions.

My heart has to work
a whole lot harder

than the average guy
just to try to cool my body down.

And as a result,
I suffer from extreme chest pains.

On days where it's extremely hot,
I get sick real fast.

That is remarkably dangerous.

I'd argue that the only time getting
m*rder*d by the heat is acceptable

is if you've committed
the crime of being a lobster.

But unless you happen to be a tasty
sea weirdo with edible arms

and a pile of scrumptious ass meat that
pairs beautifully with melted butter,

I'm gonna say
that that is very wrong.

And physical conditions
are just one part of this.

Prisons house an increasing number
of people with mental health concerns

who require medications

that can compromise their body's
ability to regulate temperature.

So, many avoid taking their medications
when it's hot,

which may explain why there is

"an increase in the frequency of su1c1de
watches and self-harm behaviors

during the summer months."

This situation is so bad,
the U.N. committee against t*rture

has expressed particular concern
about deaths from heat exposure

in prison facilities in Texas.

And while you probably
assumed Texas prisons were bad,

maybe not "international
human-rights watch list" bad.

And just to get this out of the way
right at the start:

If anyone is thinking,

"Come on, it's prison, these criminals
should not be comfortable."

First, f*ck you. They're human beings
who, I would argue,

deserve humane treatment
regardless of what they did.

But even if you are fully on-board

with our current system of punitive
justice on a ridiculous scale,

you should know, even some
of those upholding this system

find the current situation
indefensible.

Just listen to the former head
of one correctional officer's union,

I don't have love for these people.

We're not trying to make this lush
and we're trying to make it humane.

These are third-world conditions,

we're supposed to run prisons,
not concentration camps,

these are institutions
for incarceration.

The incarceration is their punishment,
not cooking them to death.

Right. And just take a moment
to absorb the sentence,

"we're supposed to run prisons,
not concentration camps."

If someone helping to run a system
is comparing it to a concentration camp,

things have gotten way out of hand.

If someone said,

"We're supposed to run a Quiznos,
not a concentration camp,"

you would question what the f*ck
is going on at that Quiznos.

So tonight,
let's talk about heat in prisons.

Let's start
with the obvious question here.

If prisons are too hot,
which clearly many are,

why not put in air conditioning ?

And that does seem
like a pretty easy fix !

But whenever it's brought up,
lawmakers and prison officials

have claimed
that they simply cannot afford it.

Although, when making that argument,
they've occasionally been

slightly more honest
than they were perhaps planning to be,

like when this Texas state senator
appeared on local radio.

We can talk about this all day,
it's not gonna change.

The prisons are hot.
They're uncomfortable.

The solution is don't commit a crime
and you stay at home and be cool.

We're not gonna air condition them.
One, we don't want to.

Number two,
we couldn't afford it if we wanted to.

Hold on there. Let's back up
to number one, shall we ?

"We don't want to."

Because after you say that, it doesn't
really matter what you say next.

If people don't care
about fixing a problem,

they're just not going to fix it,
however simple the solution is.

It's why your software update
still interrupts you every single day.

You could click on the alert and follow
the basic steps to make the updates.

But have you done that ?
Of course not ! Why ?

Because you could not give
one single, solitary f*ck.

It seems that Texas really doesn't want
to put in air conditioning.

It actually spent 7 million dollars
on a lawsuit

to fight installing A.C.
in one prison's housing area,

despite the fact
the estimated cost of installation

was only around 4 million.

And they've also thrown around
some suspiciously high estimates.

They once claimed
that it would cost 109 million dollars

to install A.C. in a unit for
developmentally disabled prisoners,

even though the entire housing unit
cost just 26 million to build.

I admit: I don't know much
about A.C. installation.

If you pointed at a random building
and said:

"It cost 10 000 dollars
to install A.C. in there",

I'd say: "Okay, sure."

If you pointed at another and said:
"It cost 3 million to install it",

I would say:
"Yeah. Makes sense."

But if you pointed at a building
and said:

"It cost four times the price of that
building to install A.C. in it",

I'd say: "I think you somehow know
less about air conditioning than I do."

And that "too expensive" argument
gets even harder to take

when you consider that,
in some prisons,

there is climate control,
just not for the prisoners.

Some have A.C. in staff offices.
And then there is this...

Two years ago, prison officials
spent more than 700 000 dollars

on new climate-controlled
housing facilities.

For prisoners ? No.
For the prisons' in-house pig farms.

Officials say the cooling systems
are, quote:

"consistent
with any swine operation."

I'm not against
pigs getting treated comfortably.

I love pigs, their springy tails,
their too-big ears,

their stupid flat noses
and their horrible eyes.

Pigs are like big chubby dogs
you can eat at Christmas.

I just question prioritizing
their comfort over humans.

And the thing is, corrections systems
do seem to acknowledge

that they do have a problem
with heat,

it's just, they often try to treat it
with ridiculous half-measures.

The Texas prison system produced
this video on what staff should do

when they see someone about
to pass out from heat exhaustion.

If conscious and alert,

have the person drink water
or a rehydrating sports drink.

Do not give them
caffeinated drinks,

as these will contribute
to further dehydration.

Sprinkle or spray them with water
and apply cool water

or wet cloths to the person's
neck, armpits, and groin.

Fan the person if there is no breeze.

Flicking water in their face and
fanning them with a clipboard

is just not going to cut it.

At that point, it makes basically
just as much sense to recommend:

"lick the person's sweat
off their forehead,"

or "rub them with a DVD
of 'Captain Philips'."

Sure, it's technically a gesture,
but it's not going to do much.

When prisons use things like
large fans and water misters,

they only help to a certain
threshold of heat.

Beyond it, they can actually
make things worse.

Water misters increase humidity
and the CDC has explicitly said

that it "does not recommend the use
of fans above a 95 degree heat index,"

as they "actually increase
heat stress by blowing air"

"that is warmer
than the body's temperature."

Dangerous situations
get compounded by the fact

that when heat-related issues occur,

prisons can show very little urgency
in addressing them.

Take what happened
to Larry McCollum.

He was serving an 11-month
sentence for cashing a bad check

and began showing symptoms
of heat stroke,

but prison employees
didn't call EMS

until over 40 minutes after
he was found convulsing.

When McCollum
finally arrived at the hospital,

his body temperature was 109 degrees
and he d*ed days later.

When that prison's warden

was questioned about the delay
in medical treatment,

this was his ridiculous response...

If you were at home and your wife
was having a heart att*ck

and you called 9-1-1 and it took
a half hour for them to arrive,

would you have a problem
with that ?

That's speculating. I wouldn't know
if she had a heart att*ck or not.

I would have a problem with that,
just letting you know. Okay ?

If my wife was having a heart att*ck
and I called 9-1-1

and it took a half hour
for an ambulance to arrive.

You don't feel comfortable

saying that you too would have
an issue with that ?

I would not. I would have to figure out
whether it's a heart att*ck or not.

Maybe just bad chili.

What the f*ck ?
First, no one would ever confuse

someone having violent convulsions
with having bad chili.

Second, "bad chili" has a name,
and it's called Hormel.

Show some respect
to that can of bean nightmares.

Guessing your wife's heart att*ck
might be just bad chili

is a terrible answer, not only because
that's not how heart att*cks work,

it's also
not how hypotheticals work.

In this scenario, your wife
is having a heart att*ck.

You can't just ignore the premise.
If someone asks:

"If you could have dinner with anyone,
living or dead, who would you choose ?"

You're not allowed to say:
"No thanks, I already ate."

That's not the point of the question.
As bad as that response was,

it wasn't even the worst moment
in his deposition.

Months later, he was asked about
how the population of his prison

might be more susceptible
to heat-related illness.

Watch this infuriating exchange.

Do you suspect some in your facility
are going to have hypertension ?

I do not know.

Do you suspect some in your facility
are going to be older than 60 ?

I do not know.

Do you suspect that some
are going to be older than 40 ?

I do not know.

Do you suspect that some
that are gonna come into your facility

are going to be
on psychotropic medications ?

I do not know.

Wouldn't any competent supervisor...

Shouldn't he or she know
the answers to those questions ?

I do not know.

Okay, we get it.
You don't know a lot of things.

I almost wish that line
of questioning had continued.

Do you suspect that some
are fire mutants powered by heat ?

I do not know.

Do you have a tattoo of Peppa Pig
on your lower back ?

I do not know.

If no one would ever find out,
would you have sex with a dolphin ?

I do not know.

Would you hit Bruce Willis with
your car if given the opportunity ?

I do not know.

Why responding
with "I do not know"

to every question asked of a person
makes them sound like a total dipshit ?

I do not know.

So look,
when you put all of this together,

prisoners in this country
are desperately uncomfortable

and sometimes
dying due to the heat

and no one seems to give enough
of a sh*t to do anything about it.

While a lot of the facilities
that I've shown you tonight

have been in Texas, that is not
because it's the only culprit.

It's just one of the only states

where this story has been
extensively reported on camera.

But you can find accounts of similar
problems in places like Louisiana

and in Alabama, and in Florida,
and in Michigan, and in Virginia.

This is a deadly situation
and it's only going to get worse,

especially as summers
are getting hotter and hotter.

While this is just one small part
of a much larger discussion

about whether and how prisons
should exist in this country,

until such time as we have
that discussion,

there's an easy solution
to this one problem, and that is:

prisons need air conditioning,
so put air conditioning in. That's it.

I know this show has trained you
to anticipate nuance,

but this one
is really pretty straightforward.

We shouldn't be cooking prisoners
to death. The end.

That's just not something we should be
allowing, under any circumstances.

Because locking human beings in rooms
with a heat index of 150 degrees

begs the question:
"How on earth could anyone,"

"anywhere think that it's okay
to do that ?"

And to borrow the go-to answer
of an extremely weird, cruel man:

"I do not know."
And now, this.

Ernie Anastos Left Fox 5 One Year Ago
This Week,

And We Miss His Man On The Street
Segments More Than Ever.

So here's my question: what's
your favorite way to watch TV ?

- In my bed.
- In your bed ? It's relaxing ?

- Probably in a recliner.
- In a recliner ?

- Yeah, you have one ?
- Yeah.

Where's the worst place
you've ever been stuck ?

X-ray machine. Yeah.

What consistency do you like
your milkshake to be ?

Thick.

Do you have a lot
of baby pictures of yourself ?

How do you handle
people who annoy you ?

What do you like to do
on Labor Day ?

Can you spell "Caribbean" ?
Do you know who your neighbors are ?

- I'm friendly with my neighbors !
- Good for you, tell me about that !

Is there a nickname
that you wish you had ?

Swifty.

If you're watching a show about
food, does it make you hungry ?

Yes !

What do you think tastes good,

delicious, but it's really
difficult or messy to eat ?

Pasta.

I'm sloppy with spaghetti
and meatballs.

- That's a popular one, isn't it ?
- It can get sloppy all over my shirt.

The tomato sauce and everything ?
But it tastes good, doesn't it ?

- Best.
- That's great.

The other thing
I would say is the soup.

That can be sloppy.

Before we go, I wanted to take
a moment to discuss commercials.

The thing you subscribe to HBO
to avoid seeing.

Specifically, I'd like to talk about
ads for local car dealerships.

Because they can be absolute
works of art, like this one.

Hey y'all,
it's Bryce "Thug Nasty" Mitchell here.

I'm at Drive On Time Motors,


Searcy, Arkansas, White County.
They paid me to be here.

These ain't my cars
and I don't really care about 'em.

When I ripped
my testicles open with a drill,

I had to drive myself
to the hospital in my pickup truck.

I wish I would've had this Corvette.
I would've made it on time.

That commercial raises
a thousand questions

and answers
exactly none of them.

How did Thug Nasty rip
his testicles open with a drill ?

Why did he have a drill
near his testicles in the first place ?

Most importantly,
what does he mean,

he "didn't make it
to the hospital on time ?"

You know what ? I don't want
or need any more context.

The beauty is in the mystery
of Bryce's self-drilled scrotum.

There is a real charm in
the eccentricity of car dealership ads.

Because they can be
a total law unto themselves.

But recently,
we discovered something surprising.

And it all started
with this commercial.

I'm in a pickle.

My doctor told me to calm down
before my heart explodes.

The only way for me to calm down
is to help you get a nicer, newer car.

Okay. I don't mind that !
A guy dressed as a pickle,

next to an Uncle Sam
who looks like Mark Cuban,

seeming to thr*aten that if you don't
buy a car from him, he's going to die.

I actually like that !
That's some fun local weirdness

from Winston-Salem, North Carolina,
you're not gonna get anywhere else.

Well, it turns out, wrong.
Because watch this...

You know me, Scott Elder here
from Elder Mitsubishi.

I'm in a pickle.
My doctor told me

to turn it down a notch
before my heart explodes.

Scott Lehman here from Premier
Auto Center, and I'm in a pickle !

My doctor told me to calm down
before my heart explodes !

Fred Grote here
from Grote Automotive.

Doctor told me I need to turn it down
a notch so my heart doesn't explode.

Steve Johnson here
from Zumbrota Ford.

My doctor told me to turn it down
a notch so my heart doesn't explode.

Help I'm in a pickle !

Dad, your doctor told you to calm
down before your heart explodes.

That's striking.

When you see that many screaming
white guys in pickle costumes,

they're yelling "Rick and Morty"
quotes at any woman in their vicinity

and completely ruining Comic Con.

And if you're wondering
what is going on there:

as best we can tell,
all those dealerships have worked

with a marketing firm called
Gravitational Marketing,

based, obviously, in Florida,

which seems to churn out scripts
for a bunch of local car dealers.

Explaining why you can find
so many ads in different places

that are basically exactly the same.

We found multiple Hulk Hogans in
eerily similar wrestling-themed ads

and multiple bunnies
in identical Easter commercials

and then we found
whatever the f*ck this is.

It's John here from Blue Ridge
and I'm in the doghouse. I need cars !

It's Mike Guizar, and I'm in
the doghouse. I need cars !

It's Jack Frost, and I'm in
the doghouse. I need cars !

We're in the doghouse
and we need cars !

What is that ? I mean,
what is the concept there ?

Do these car dealers think scripts
that bad are worth outsourcing ?

"We're in the doghouse
and we need cars ?"

Don Draper would put his cigarette
out on your forehead

if you pitched a line like that.

But I will say, once you start
going down this rabbit hole,

it is kind of fascinating to see
the different performance choices

that dealers make
with the same ad.

Take this one, themed for autumn.

Guten tag, Coastal Bend.
I'm running out of year.

I've gotta liven up my sales
so I'm giving you thousands off

a nicer, newer car with my lifetime
warranty during my Cartoberfest.

Past credit mishaps
making you feel like a wiener ?

My "for the people, everybody drives"
credit approval process helps you.

You get the concept. Cartoberfest.

And Tommy Gardner is giving you
a decent line reading there.

Sort of a Meryl Streep in
"The Devil Wears Prada" energy,

a "less is more" kind of thing.

Tommy knows that the costumes, music
and cinematography are working well,

so he's centering the ad with an
understated yet confident performance.

But witness that same concept
cranked up around 25 notches.

Guten tag, east Tennessee,
my sales are slumping,

so let's get bumping
in my Car-toberfest.

Fall is here, I'm running out of year.
I'm so stressed, come be my guest.

Don't be a wiener, drive cleaner

and save up to 5 500 dollars
on a nicer, newer car. Guten tag !

There is a lot
I could say about that.

I could say, in the words of that
man's obvious idol, Jim Carrey:

"Somebody stop him."

Or I could point out
that the accent he's doing there

would be problematic if it were still
possible to be r*cist towards Germans.

That man is Jason Farris
of Farris Motor Company.

When you look at what he has done
with these pro forma scripts,

you see that he routinely
makes some capital-C choices,

but perhaps none as bold

as when he got a stock
Independence Day script and did this.

I'm pledging allegiance to the red,
white, and you in a nicer, newer car.

Be a patriot today and declare
independence from your old ride

for just 7 dollars down.

But hurry, like !sis,
this deal won't be around long.

No, Jason !
That is a no from me !

We watched a number of
those Independence Day commercials

and guess which line wasn't in any
of the other scripts ?

Yep !
It's the one you're thinking of.

But the problem here is that,

even when they are not
casually Islamophobic,

it ruins the magic
of these bizarre local ads

to learn that many are just
scripts that someone bought.

The joy of local car commercials
is when they pop up

in the middle of "Wheel of Fortune"
and you think:

"This is completely deranged,
but at least our local car dealer"

"is trying to be creative, at least we
as a local market are special, right ?"

But that might not be the case.
We need to make sure that it is.

We need a return to the one-of-a-kind
autodealer ad that no one else has.

Remember how thrilling it was to see
Bryce "Thug Nasty" Mitchell

talk about his shattered scrotum ?

I do ! I love that ad, but I definitely
don't want to see 15 copies of it.

I want Bryce to be a unicorn.

Local ads should be unique
and completely unhinged.

And here is where
we might be able to help.

Because we've written a script.
And it's good. It's really good.

And we're offering it to one,
and only one car dealership,

to use in a commercial, for free,
so long as they agree to simple terms.

The main one being,

you have to agree to produce this
exactly as it is written.

And you can't read it
before you agree.

We promise there is no cursing,
blasphemy, or nudity in here.

It will pass broadcast standards
in your area.

It can be produced as cheaply
as anything you've seen tonight.

Will this script show
your dealership in a good light ?

That's for you to find out
after you sign this contract

and agree to produce and air the ad,
sight unseen.

So, who's interested ?

What do you say,
Scott Elder of Cedar Park ?

Fred Grote of Fort Wayne ?
Scott Lehman of Arizona ?

If you guys or, indeed,
any local car dealership out there,

want to take us up
on this one-time offer,

you can reach us at free-car-commercial

at-John-Oliver-wants-your-rat-erotica
dot-com.

Come on, dealers ! You know
you want to roll the dice here !

Let us get you into a nicer,
newer commercial today.

That's our show ! Thanks for watching,
we'll see you next week, goodnight !

Guten tag !