LAST WEEK TONIGHT
WITH JOHN OLIVER
Welcome to "Last Week Tonight"!
I'm John Oliver.
Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.
Finland and Sweden
applied to join NATO,
George W. Bush basically
admitted to w*r crimes by accident,
and monkeypox cases
were reported in multiple countries,
to which we all collectively said,
"Not now!"
But we're going to start
with the midterm elections.
On Tuesday, all of these states
held their primaries,
resulting in, among other things,
Madison Cawthorn losing his,
meaning he has now
officially set a record
for shortest term to ever
be served by a little bitch.
Although perhaps
the most consequential news
came out of the key swing
state of Pennsylvania.
Their Republican Senate race seems
headed for a recount
after David McCormick and Oprah's
worst giveaway wound up in a near-tie.
And their gubernatorial race
saw this alarming result.
In the race
for Pennsylvania governor,
a Tr*mp favorite
won the Republican nomination.
Far-right
state senator Doug Mastriano
enthusiastically promoted the lie
that widespread election fraud
led to the former
president's 2020 defeat.
He also marched on the Capitol
on January 6th,
though Mastriano
says he never broke the law.
He marched on the Capitol
on January 6th,
something which has become
a weird point of pride for Republicans.
It's like hearing someone brag
that they were on the boat
the night Natalie Wood d*ed.
What's more troubling there? That
you think that makes you sound good,
or that some people
might actually agree with you.
But Mastriano went beyond marching.
As state senator,
he held a hearing amplifying
Tr*mp's election conspiracies,
featuring special guest
Rudy Giuliani.
And he has made it very clear
that he's acutely aware
of how much power he'd have
as governor over the next election.
I could decertify every machine
in the state with the stroke of a pen
via my Secretary of State.
I already have
the Secretary of State picked out.
It's a world-class person
that knows voting integrity
better than anyone else in the nation,
and I already have a team that's
gonna be built around that individual.
That is ominous. Because
I don't know who he's got in mind,
but I do know that there is no way
they are a world-class person.
Because, one, anyone Mastriano
likes is immediately suspicious,
and two, the only truly "world-class"
people on the planet
are Dolly Parton and... end of list.
Even if Mastriano didn't seem hell-bent
on throwing elections to Tr*mp,
he would be a nightmare.
He's promised to establish Pennsylvania
as a Second Amendment Sanctuary,
and supports a total ban on abortion,
with no exceptions for r*pe, incest,
or situations
where the mother might die.
Which isn't a surprise, as he tends
to wear his faith on his sleeve,
and sometimes
even around his neck,
with an array of message ties,
including this burgundy disaster
that says, "Gave proof through
the night, in God we trust,"
which is not how that song goes,
this chaotic nightmare with words
like "praise God" and "praise him"
in a design I can only describe
as "biblical Xerox mistake",
and this one that says,
"With God, all things are possible",
which I'm guessing
comes from the JC Penney
"youth minister DUI hearing" section.
And Mastriano has flirted
with the extreme fringes of his party.
Just recently,
he was advertised as a speaker
for a conference organized
by "Francine and Allen Fosdick,
self-described prophets
who have long promoted QAnon".
While Mastriano's spokesperson has
tried to distance him from those people
saying he strongly condemns
the QAnon conspiracy,
he not only turned up to the event,
but was presented onstage
with an unusual gift.
We just thank you
for being a part of this conference.
Being a part of all of our lives,
and really making a difference and
setting a precedent for Pennsylvania,
but not only Pennsylvania,
for our country.
Thank you, both of you,
so much.
Where's Goliath?
It's genuinely hard
to pick the wildest part of that,
from the plastic eagle that seems
to be telepathically screaming
"I had nothing to do with this",
to this gentleman's
all-American flag eleganza,
to the fact that Mastriano
was given a full-sized sword as a gift,
a token of appreciation that screams,
"Have fun getting this to your car".
The fact is, Mastriano
is now the Republican nominee,
and will be running this fall against
Democratic candidate Josh Shapiro,
who is currently the state's AG.
He actually ran unopposed,
so he didn't have to campaign,
but he chose to get involved
in the Republican race anyway,
by running ads clearly designed
to boost Mastriano
among the conservative base.
If Mastriano wins, it's a win
for what Donald Tr*mp stands for.
This statewide ad is paid
for by Shapiro for Pennsylvania.
Gambling that by boosting a more
right-wing candidate in a swing state,
Democrats come out on top
this November.
That is f*cking risky.
I get the tactic
behind wanting to choose an opponent
that you think
you have a better chance of b*ating.
But as has been made painfully clear
over the last decade,
the most extreme Republican
isn't necessarily the least electable.
I hope Democrats know
what they're doing with Mastriano,
but they would be making
a huge mistake in underestimating him.
Because, if I may quote
my own favorite tie,
"All things are possible,
and most of those possibilities
are very bad".
And now, this!
And Now:
Some Things They Say in Texas.
There's a saying in Texas,
when you're bird hunting,
sh**t at everything,
take credit for anything that falls.
As we say down here in Texas,
why use a nutcracker if you've
got access to a sledgehammer?
We have a saying, the only thing you
find in Texas in the middle of the road
is yellow stripes
and dead armadillos.
We say in Texas, for every rat
you see, there's 50 you don't.
As we say back in Texas, don't pee
on my boots and tell me it's raining.
Like we say in Texas,
come and get it.
In Texas,
we have a deal called,
don't let your alligator mouth overload
your hummingbird rear end.
I'm not even sure
what that means.
As they say in Texas,
hogs get slaughtered.
So, if he were bacon,
he wouldn't even sizzle.
It looks like a hornswoggle.
Close the barn door
before the cow gets out.
As we say in Texas,
that ain't no polar bear.
Basically how we look at this
down in Texas, all hat, no cattle.
As they say down in Texas,
all hat and no cattle.
- She's all hat, and no cattle.
- All hat, no cattle.
What the Texans call all cattle,
no hat.
No!
Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns sandwiches.
Specifically, Subway sandwiches,
Dad's attempt at dinner.
It can seem like Subway's
in the news pretty often,
and it is rarely for anything good.
Fast-food chain Subway
being sued for fraud,
accused of selling tuna
that isn't actually tuna.
Ireland's Supreme Court says Subway's
bread can't legally be called bread
because it contains too much sugar.
Subway customers are filing lawsuits
against the global sandwich chain,
saying its footlong sandwiches
aren't really a foot long.
These are the shocking pictures
that started everything.
They were posted
on a social media site,
and one shows
a man putting his genitals
on what appears to be
Subway bread dough
with the caption, "I will be
your sandwich artist today."
Blurred or not, that penis isn't even
the most offensive part of that photo.
Look at the bread. It looks
like a child's drawing of Ed Sheeran.
The sad thing is by touching
the bread with that penis,
the penis is ruined forever.
He's got no choice
but to just throw it in the trash.
But of course, when you hear
"PR nightmare for Subway",
your head immediately
goes to this man, Jared.
He was the face of Subway for 15 years
after claiming that he lost 200 pounds,
thanks in part
to eating Subway every day.
He even featured
in news puff pieces like this one
that play a lot differently
in hindsight.
Jared takes his pants on the road
speaking to kids about nutrition.
Everybody needs to make sure they
make really good healthy decisions,
so they never,
ever put themselves in a position
to have to wear
Jared's old pair of pants.
Yeah, you heard him, kids!
Stay out of Jared's pants.
Nothing good happens in there.
Subway has been on the receiving
end of a lot of terrible stories,
and to deal
with each one just quickly:
Jared is a monster and Subway
should've always been suspicious
of a man willing to eat
their terrible product every day.
Not a footlong? That is a bullshit
lawsuit, it didn't go anywhere.
Dough-dong? That did happen,
and it's objectively funny.
Ireland's court ruling that Subway's
bread can't be called bread?
The company insists, "Subway's
bread is, of course, bread."
If you're curious about the tuna,
visit Subway-tuna-facts-dot-com,
a real website the company felt
it had to launch to debunk tuna myths.
Although the moment
that you've done that,
it does feel like you're already
losing the argument.
But even putting
all of those stories aside,
Subway is still worth talking about
tonight, for a number of reasons,
starting with the fact
it's a lot bigger than you might think.
Subway's actually the biggest
restaurant chain in the U.S.
by number of locations,
and they had the most locations
of any restaurant worldwide,
b*ating both Starbucks
and McDonald's.
But in recent years,
things have taken a turn.
Thousands of its restaurants
have closed, and some franchisees,
that's the people who own
and operate their restaurants,
are getting restless.
In the U.S., 100 of them got together
and wrote an open letter last year,
stating that "for many of us, this
dream has turned into a nightmare."
And overseas, franchisees
have given interviews like this.
- Are franchisees frightened?
- People are terrified.
I feel threatened
because I'm scared if they target us.
Franchisees claim
many want to get out
but say they can't
because head office won't approve it
unless expensive
refurbishments are done.
We want to escape, but they
make it impossible for us to sell.
Holy sh*t!
You know it's serious
when they use a voice modulator
that can only be described
as Autotuned Andre the Giant.
Remember, this is about a restaurant
that sells ham sandwiches.
What's the worst Subway could do
to that man? Make him eat one?
If franchisees are giving interviews
like they're in witness protection,
and the public is constantly debating
if your bread is bread,
your tuna is tuna, and whether or not
your sandwiches are filled with dicks,
something has clearly
gone very wrong.
So tonight,
let's talk about Subway,
where it came from,
what its business model is,
and why there are
so f*cking many of them.
Let's start with a little history.
Subway was founded
as a single sub shop
called Pete's Super Submarines
back in 1965 by Fred DeLuca,
who ran the company
until his death in 2015.
And to give you just a sense
of what kind of manager he was,
the company once distributed a not safe
for work calendar to its employees,
featuring photos
of shirtless Subway executives,
including Fred as Mr. January.
I have a lot to say about this.
The least important of which is,
why is this guy in a bathroom?
The theme is clearly
"business but make it nipples",
not "polaroids of Uncle Dale
before a scrub-down".
From the very beginning, DeLuca
was obsessed with expansion.
Even though the business
"didn't make a profit for 15 years",
he kept opening Subways anyway,
in order to, as he later said,
"create the image of success",
so it really seems that Subway's
business strategy was basically,
"Fake it 'til you make it",
which apparently,
our lawyers say I cannot suggest
also applies to their tuna, so I won't.
I will not suggest that.
The point is, DeLuca
had an insatiable desire for growth.
Which may be why, in the mid '70s,
Subway moved to the franchise model.
The benefit for the company being that
they could have more locations that way
and the benefit for franchisees,
theoretically,
being that they could sell
a product with brand recognition,
with the promise
of being their own boss.
And there's actually one other key
draw about Subway specifically,
and that is just how simple it is
to open one.
Subway's extreme ubiquity all comes
down to their streamlined setup.
No deep fryers, no gas grills,
so they can build pretty much anywhere.
Got a plug? That's practically
all it takes to open a Subway.
It's true! You really don't need
that much to open a Subway,
although I'm not sure how reassuring
it is that all you need is a plug.
It is a restaurant serving human food,
not an air mattress.
But Subway's start-up costs
have been significantly lower
than many of its competitors.
It usually costs between around 200
and $500,000 to open a Subway,
compared with a McDonald's,
which can cost between 1.3
and nearly two and a half million.
It might help explain
why Subway owners
tend to be individuals and families,
many of them immigrants,
unlike chains such as McDonald's,
where many restaurants
are operated by investment firms.
But that low entry fee
comes with some significant catches.
Subways bring in a lot less money
than other chains.
An average one
generates around $400,000 a year,
compared to the average Jimmy Johns,
which brings in more than double that,
or an average McDonald's,
which generates over three million.
But on top of that,
Subway franchisees also have to pay
a lot more of what they make
back to their company.
While McDonald's asks its restaurants
to pay them 8 percent of gross sales,
Subway demands 12 and a half percent,
specifically, an 8 percent royalty fee,
and another four and a half percent
that goes toward advertising.
Those are some of the highest fees
of any chain.
Although I will say, Subway
puts those ad fees to heavy use.
Because they are the reason
that you can't turn on your TV
without being bombarded
by commercials featuring Steph Curry,
Tom Brady, and Megan Rapinoe
pretending they're all standing
in the same place
and willing to put sloppy bread cannons
into their god bods.
And it's not just ads, Subway has done a
significant amount of product placement
in shows and movies
like "The Biggest Loser",
"To All the Boys I've Loved Before",
and "Chuck".
I was even part
of one of them years ago,
in an episode of "Community,"
which I have zero memory of filming.
But unlike my forgettable days
as a corporate sandwich vessel,
some of that placement
is pretty hard to miss,
like in this incredible scene
from "Hawaii Five-0".
This Subway sandwich, so ono.
So you're eating these to lose weight?
Is that right?
It worked for Jared,
and that boy was large.
But the best thing about it,
they make it any way you want it.
Check this one.
The sweet onion chicken teriyaki
with jalapenos and banana peppers.
Now, you put that with this,
a turkey BLT, bam!
That's some serious
culinary fusion.
That scene reminds me
of an old Hollywood saying:
"Every ad exec
wants to be a television writer
and every television writer
is dead inside".
But incredibly, even that is subtle
next to the product placemen
that Subway engages in overseas,
particularly in Korean dramas,
where every plot point
seems to occur at a Subway.
Here is two characters
having a meeting at one,
here is a group of men celebrating
the fact, real plot point, by the way,
their friend's
just woke up from a coma,
then there is this scene, which is,
I swear I'm not making this up,
about a ghost magically
eating a Subway sandwich.
Subway released its own mini-drama
on YouTube called "Someway".
I'm going to show you a scene from it,
and I warn you, it is breathtaking.
Han woo-rim!
Where are you running from?
Why aren't you picking up
your phone?
I was working, so I hadn't
checked my phone until now.
Is everything okay?
I like the steak
and cheese sandwich.
- What?
- You told me I would like it.
- I like the steak and cheese sandwich.
- What are you talking about?
I'm saying I like you, Oppa!
What?
It's good.
I mean, it's really good.
And not that you need it,
but here is some context:
that character was dating this guy,
who works at Subway,
and every day she ordered
the plant-based sandwich
because he recommended it to her,
until one day, this guy,
who, wait for it,
also works at Subway,
recommended the steak and cheese
sandwich for her to mix it up.
The sandwiches
were a metaphor, you see?
She had a decision to make: stay with
her usual or go with a new flavor?
Which will she choose,
plant or steak?
Tried and true,
or new and exciting?
Obviously, she chose the steak,
which is why we got that kiss
in front of a Subway franchise.
It's art and it's cinema
and it's sandwiches.
The point is, Subway advertises
a ridiculous amount,
and its franchisees benefit
from that brand-building.
But in return, Subway expects
them to work very hard.
Something made painfully clear
in this video,
created by a regional office, which
takes a bit of a turn halfway through.
When you buy a franchise,
you enter into a family,
the Subway family.
We must own
what is ours to own.
We must lead
what is ours to lead.
Whether you sell sandwiches,
develop stores, or evaluate operations,
we must do our part
to the best of our ability.
Why? Because in this family,
people matter,
so we don't let people down
by being lazy.
We don't complain
about each other's work.
We don't feel sorry for ourselves,
and we certainly don't give up.
My God, it's a sandwich cult.
And it's one
that should probably think twice
about threatening their so-called
family members for being lazy
when they couldn't even put in the
effort to proof-read their own copy,
because this is not how you spell buy
as in "to buy a franchise",
and they've left out the word "to"
in this sentence.
But to whoever made that video,
don't worry.
After all,
it's only two little mistakes,
there's no need
to fell sorry for yourself.
There is only so much a franchise owner
can do to increase their earnings,
as they are largely at the mercy of
decisions their parent company makes.
So, if Subway decides to change
the menu or redesign the stores,
franchisees may be
on the hook for those costs.
Also, if the company announces
a promotion or a discount,
stores may have to go along with it,
even if it is a money-loser for them.
And it gets even worse.
Because those already
ridiculously tight margins
have been exacerbated by Subway's
longtime obsession with expansion.
For decades, franchisees
have complained about Subway
allowing locations to open near each
other and cannibalizing their business.
Here is the head
of a franchisee association
discussing the problem
back in the '90s.
What they tell you
when you buy that franchise is,
"Don't worry, we wouldn't put
another franchise too close to you.
Why would we do that? Why would
we want to hurt you like that?
You're one of our partners."
Reality is, they're going
to do whatever they can do
that's not written in black
and white, and they do it.
Okay, first: that is some
very dramatic camerawork.
But also,
Power Bangs is completely right there.
In fact, to this day,
Subway franchisees are told that
"You will not receive
an exclusive territory,"
and their contract states,
"We and our affiliates have
unlimited rights to compete with you."
A Subway could open right next
to yours and cut your sales in half.
And none of this really
affects Subway corporate.
They still get their royalty fees
on any sale,
plus a $15,000 franchise fee
for every new store that's opened.
That is why these stores
are f*cking everywhere.
There are literally 10 Subways
in a one-mile radius
of where I'm sitting right now.
You could go to all 10 stores,
order a foot long at each,
and be back here
in less than an hour.
And the reason I know that is,
I did that, and frankly,
I'm instantly regretting
that decision.
Because now this entire studio
is about to smell like a Subway,
which as we all know is the exact smell
of, "What if bread could fart?"
And all of this was by design.
Fred DeLuca even once attempted
to convince a journalist
that more Subway locations
raises everyone's revenues
by referencing a graph
his 24-year-old son made,
which an economist
later reviewed, saying,
"In my view,
this tells us absolutely nothing.
If this is true then why not have
Wouldn't they all be doing splendidly?
The answer is obviously not."
And that is a lot of sass
coming from an economist.
"The answer is obviously not,"
is much like Subway's spicy Italian
sub: not actually spicy in the least,
but given the source,
about as spicy as you're gonna get.
And encroaching
on their own territory
isn't the only way
Subway has angered franchisees.
Because their corporate structure
has long involved something called
"business development agents".
These are individuals,
often franchise owners themselves,
who control a certain area,
and are tasked with finding and
approving new people to open stores,
getting a cut of royalties
for doing that.
They're also in charge of overseeing
inspections of stores in their area.
And for many years,
franchisees have complained about
development agents being exceptionally
harsh with those inspections,
with one saying he was once marked up
for "slicing his vegetables
in a choppy' manner.
Which seems pretty petty.
How else would you do it?
And there's an incentive for
development agents to be overly harsh,
because if a store
gets multiple violations,
that franchisee's agreement
can be terminated,
and the store can be re-sold,
sometimes to the business
development agent themselves,
at a discounted price.
One former inspector even described
a development agent
telling her the exact store owners
that he wanted to fail, adding,
"I was kind of his hit man".
Normal sandwich stuff.
Subway insists
it's transitioning away
from using
development agents in the U.S.
and from having them
be the ones overseeing inspections.
But even so,
you might well be wondering,
given everything you've seen so far,
"Why on earth would anyone
want to open a Subway,
when it has some of the highest
royalties, some of the lowest sales,
and a new store could conceivably
open right next door to you?"
Potential owners often don't fully
know what they're signing up for.
Here is one Subway franchisee
inadvertently making this point.
I bought my original store from a guy
who was involved with Subway,
had been involved
for about five years before me.
And that store, little did I know, was
the lowest volume store in the market.
When I went to my first owners'
meeting, him and his buddy said,
"Hey, Lollipop," and I said,
"Why are they calling me Lollipop?"
And they said, "We needed
a sucker to buy Columbus,"
which was the Subway, right?
Out of 91 stores in the market,
it was 91st.
Yeah, that's not great, is it?
Ideally you would have that kind
of information before you invested.
It's hard to tell
how successful a Subway is
just from looking at it,
especially because, from the outside,
they all look like the worst one.
Currently, there is no easy way
to find out what you might earn
before you open a new Subway,
for two reasons.
First, the company won't tell you.
Generally, when it comes to franchises,
the FTC requires
that you are provided
with what's called
a franchise disclosure document,
giving you important information
before you invest.
But it doesn't require companies
to include any details
about how stores do financially.
Now, some companies
do provide this, but it's voluntary.
Firehouse Subs has 17 pages
dedicated to financial performance,
Burger King's includes 11 pages,
but Subway has just two paragraphs
in which they say,
"We do not make any representations
about a franchisee's future
financial performance,"
or "the past financial performance
of franchised outlets."
Instead, Fred DeLuca encouraged
potential owners to simply do this.
We really want people
to go find out from other franchisees.
Rather than relying
on what we might tell you,
it's much better experience
to talk to 10, 20 franchisees.
Some will be doing very well,
some won't do very well,
and you can then size
up the business.
Yeah, or you could
just tell them
instead of making them
go to 20 different Subway stores.
Luckily for them, you can find 20
of them on any one block in America,
but it's really
the principle of the matter here.
But getting accurate info
can be very hard to do.
For starters, some franchisees
may be reluctant to speak,
because, a few years ago,
Subway added an aggressive non-
disparagement clause in their contract.
And while it's true
that there is now a carve-out
saying you're not prohibited
from sharing information in good faith
with any prospective franchisees,
as one of them told Congress
a few years ago,
many are reluctant to trust someone
calling and asking questions,
and for obvious reasons.
So, people always talk about doing
due diligence in the industry
before they buy a franchise.
One of those parts of the due diligence
is calling existing owners.
Most franchise agreements have
that non-disparagement clause in it.
I can tell you,
if I'm in one of my stores
and somebody calls me
and starts asking questions,
and I have a negative experience,
am I going to really say so?
I don't know
who's on the other end of the line.
Exactly. You have no idea
who might be calling.
It's all the more reason why you
should never answer your phone.
Calling people is for divorcees
and serial K*llers.
I haven't answered
my phone in 10 years now.
Either text me or forget me.
And look, lots of the problems
you've seen tonight
exist in some form
with almost all franchises.
But Subway in particular
seems like the absolute worst.
For years, their store owners have
begged them to be less restrictive,
with some even releasing
that open letter last year,
complaining about many of the things
that we've mentioned tonight,
and alleging
whenever they've spoken out
about any of these issues
to the media,
they've been silenced by cease and
desist letters, biased arbitrations,
and forced
non-disclosure agreements.
Rather than listening to that, Subway's
made things even worse for them.
They recently updated their contract
for new and renewing franchisees,
which, among other things,
expands the non-disparagement clause
to include "subjecting
the Subway brand to ridicule."
Which, come on Subway,
you are the one who made your
new logo two arrows 69ing each other.
The call is coming
from inside the house here.
It is frankly no wonder
one restaurant industry expert said,
"No one in their right mind
would sign the new agreement".
So what can we do here?
I know that your instinct might be to
now never go to your local Subway.
It may have been your instinct
before this segment began,
and honestly,
it remains a good one.
But it's worth remembering, some have
spent their life savings on these stores,
believing the promise
they could be their own boss,
and are stuck in a business model
that was stacked against them.
And to prevent
that happening to anyone else,
there are things we should be doing
to better regulate all franchises.
The FTC should tighten up
their rules on them,
and make disclosing
financial performance mandatory.
That would force companies
to give a much fuller picture
to any potential investors
of what they are getting into.
But until that happens,
or Subway specifically decides
to present a more accurate picture
of how they operate,
maybe we can tell their story for them,
through their favorite medium.
I'm talking, of course,
about Korean sandwich dramas.
Please, take a look!
They say it happens
when you least expect it.
But then, there he was.
The answer to my appetite.
It started with an extra meatball.
One bite and I was hooked.
It's perfect.
You're perfect.
Before I knew it,
I was in love.
Every day with him
was an adventure.
Every sandwich,
a chance to connect.
We were growing so close.
His touch was electrifying.
But then something changed.
Your lettuce is too green.
One more strike
and you're finished for real.
Who's that?
He's my development agent.
He sucks.
Also, he got me to sign an incredibly
exploitative contract.
From that moment on,
things weren't the same.
No extra meatball?
I can't.
I'm barely making a profit.
My stomach was empty
and so was my heart.
I have great news!
We're opening another Subway
close to here.
How close?
Right over there.
I'm sorry.
What?
What are you going to do?
He was different.
New.
Exciting.
This contract
says we can do this!
It was wrong,
but it tasted so right.
I was torn,
caught between two sandwich artists.
Until I realized the answer
was in front of me all along.
Wait!
- What is it?
- I love meatballs.
- What?
- I love extra meatballs.
Look!
Has that been in your pocket
all day?
I love you.
And I love Spicy Marinaras
with extra meatballs.
I love Spicy Marinaras
with extra meatballs!
And you saw that.
Don't!
Why?
We're not even sure
if the meat in those is real.
Is this real?
The tuna tastes like sh*t.
Like an assh*le.
That's our show.
Thanks so much for watching!
We're off next week.
Good night!
09x12 - Subway
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American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.
American late-night talk and news satire television program hosted by comedian John Oliver.