01x08 - Manchine

[bunniefuu]

I love holding hands with you.

[screams]

And I love doing
hand stuff with you.

[yells]

Nothing can tear us apart.

- Oh, my God!
- [screams]

Freeze, Cartwheel k*ller!

- Routine over. Dismount.
- When you get your new arm,

make sure to get
the ice cream maker attachment.

- You'll rarely use it, but when you do...
- Summers, their lives are ruined.

Let's go.

[soft action music]

[screams]

Ma'am, if any banana
is bruised,

the department's happy
to replace them.

[groans] Summers, stop
stopping and start, eh, starting.

♪

[screams]

[plates rattle, shatter]

[cat meows]

[cat yowls, shatters]

Sorry 'bout the mess.
You keep rolling the gnocchi,

- and I'll make a marin...
- Damn it, Summers.

Gnocchi should be
in a brown butter sage sauce.

And he's getting away!
Less gabbing, more gooling.

[glass shatters]

Sorry, look, I...
I can fix this.

Don't worry! As long as
the molasses doesn't...

[electricity sizzles]
[mumbles indistinctly]

- Your partner sucks.
- No, you suck... at being wrong,

because you're right.
My partner sucks.

[adventurous music]

♪ ♪

[shatters]

[birds chirp]

Not gonna waste
good molasses.

Sorry, but Summers
and I are done-zo.

I need a new partner
who won't slow me down-zo.

Someone more like me.

- And who exactly would that be?
- What about that guy?

- That's your reflection in a mirror.
- Okay, how 'bout him?

Those are your
tastefully done headshots.

Whatever. Then I'll take the
upside-down curvy-faced fella.

That's you in a spoon.
Damn it, Flute.

Did you ever consider
that maybe you're the problem?

Did you know
your former partners

- formed a support group?
- And how did Flute mistreat you?

Flute said I was too worried
about my family,

so, uh, he put them in the
witness protection program.

Oh, it's okay.
[chuckles] They're safe.

I just, uh...
I just need to find them.

[whimpers]

I hear ya, pal.
He neutered me too.

They were all a bunch of knobs.

And I think that dog had
a pretty serious drug problem.

Just take Summers over
to Grimsburg Cybernetics.

And, Flute, I know
you think you want a partner

who's just like you,
but it's a good thing

that Summers is a little soft
and you're a little hard.

- Perfectly hard.
- Because in a good partnership,

- partners balance each other out.
- Why can't I balance myself out

- with someone like... that guy?
- Which guy?

- This guy.
- Out.

♪ Kids rocking out ♪

♪ Kids, kids rolling out ♪

[laughter]

Why don't you go bet on the
chickens with the other kids?

Cluck Liddell has a pretty
bloodthirsty look in his eye.

No, thanks. I'm good.

Really?
Don't you think it might

be good for you
to make some friends?

Why?
You don't have any friends.

Yeah, w-well, that's because

my bear-ents raised me
not to need any.

Bears are solitary creatures,
so they don't have friends...

no matter what "Paddington 2"
would have you believe.

- Here we go.
- All I want for you is to have what I didn't,

a normal, human childhood.

Well, she could start by not
calling it "a human childhood."

Come on!
First one to ten gets

- to sleep in the dryer tonight.
- I'm fine, Mom.

I'm gonna go play.

Yeah, yeah. He's fine.
I'm doing a good job.

[grunting]

Well, at least he's
getting his cardio.

[futuristic music]

Hey, wanna see
something cool?

Type 5-8-0-0-8, and then try
turning your monitor over.

I don't need to type "boobs."
I have boobs.

Brag much?
What's that you're doing there?

Oh, I'm just updating
Summers' prime directives.

They're the unbreakable rules
programmed into his firmware

- which he must uphold.
- "Protect the chief,

uphold the law,
save the innocent."

[scoffs] I didn't realize I was
working with a member of "Paw Patrol."

[pager beeps] Sorry, I have to go
fit a billionaire for a mech suit

so he can personally bust unions.

If I'm stuck with you
as a partner,

then I'm gonna have
to make you more funner...

or as you would correct me,
"more fun,"

because you are no funner.
[knuckles cr*ck]

[sneaky music]

Has anyone ever told you
that you put the "cute"

- in "charcuterie"?
- They have not.

And has anyone ever told
you that you put the "tongue"

in "put your tongue
in my mouth and wiggle it"?

- As the mayor, you have a lot of friends, right?
- Of course.

- I didn't realize you were into that.
- I'm worried that Stan needs some,

but I don't know much about them.

So I watched
an episode of "Friends,"

but it just seemed to be about
people having sex with each other

and weirdly protruding nipples.

The best way to teach a kid
anything is to model for them.

Like, I started
showing my daughter

how to blackmail
when she was five,

and she's gotten
straight A's ever since.

You're right.
If that's what Stan needs,

then I guess I'm gonna have
to make some friends first.

Oh! [sighs]

- I forgot your wife was here.
- I did not.

That cleaning kind of tickled,
but luckily, I love to giggle.

My top ten
favorite giggles are,

ha-ha, he-he, ho-ho, ho-hoo...

Ugh.
Do you ever shut up?

[sneaky music]

Oh, oh, oh!
Summers, look.

Don't those people look so innocent?

[display trilling]

[clippers buzz]
[screams]

[crying] He shaved our hair...
and we had so little left.

While I bear no
responsibility for what

happened, don't worry,
because Loni is the best.

Thank God she fell out of
that temporal rift in the sky.

- 1984's loss was our gain.
- Hold my Koosh ball.

Your Honor,
I stand before you now

as a woman who has it all...
the family, the career,

the ability to traverse
space and time.

The only thing I'm missing

is for you to find
my client not guilty.

I'd like to call my first witness,

my cellular phone.
[spectators muttering]

Objection! You can't
put a machine on the stand.

I see. So if a machine can't
testify, can you convict one?

Because my client,
whose only remaining

pieces of humanity are
his eyes, nose,

and the need to clap
when a plane lands,

is a machine.

Your Honor, I demand
a mistrial and a ciggy.

[groovy music]

[cork pops]

[all cheer]

Summers, why the long
top half of your face?

- You're a free man.
- Didn't you hear what she said?

I'm not a man.
I'm a machine.

If I can't be held accountable
to human law,

who am I to mete out justice?

Sorry, but I'm turning in my badge.

♪ I'm getting a new... ♪
Hold on.

♪ New partner ♪

Uh, ha... uh, I had it before.

Come on, Summers,
at least be useful

and turn into a drum machine
or something.

[slow b*at plays]
♪ New, new ♪

Fine, go. You're bringing down
the party anyway.

♪ New partner ♪

So why are we here?

Are we trading in Summers
for scrap metal?

Because I'd love to get
a second garbage can at my desk

just for shrimp shells.

Actually, you're getting
your new partner.

What?
But I wanna choose my partner.

I never get to choose
anything ever.

I hate it here.
[grunts]

You're actually gonna make
your new partner.

- Yay! I like it here.
- Just describe

your perfect partner,
and she'll make it for you.

He should have the sleek lines
of a Noguchi coffee table

with the toughness
of a '94 Honda Civic,

the high cheekbones
of Christian Bale,

and the bitable butt cheeks
of a Christopher Maloney.

He needs the observational skills

of a locker room pervert
paired with a mustache

befitting its own '80s TV show.
And between the sheets?

Well, let's just say, nobody's
kicking him out of bed,

except when he wakes up drunk
in a mattress store.

- So basically you?
- Got it. [hydraulics whoosh]

- Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
- My name is Mustang.

- Mustang. Cool.
- Small talk mode complete.

Let's go bust some perps.

That was your version
of small talk?

It was so small
compared to Summers.

'Scuse us. Flute and the 'Stang
have a Cartwheel k*ller to catch.

There goes 2.7 million in tax dollars

to teach a great detective
a lesson about partnership.

- That seems like a waste of money.
- Mm, not to me.

I don't pay taxes.

[birds chirping]

So I just thought, mm,
maybe we can be friends.

We could do
whatever you're into...

jazzercize or go
shoulder pad shopping.

And I don't do cocaine,

but I could do the credit card
choppy thing for you.

Listen, where I come from,

or should I say, when I come from,
you can be a working girl

or you can have lady friends.

And I've chosen to have a career,

which means every
other woman is my enemy.

There's only room
for one woman on top.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

if I don't spray my hair
every ten minutes,

people won't know
I'm an independent woman.

[aerosol hissing]

[sighs]

[melancholy electronic music]

♪

[bell chimes]
[gasps]

Welcome to Tim Patty's Used Electronics.

How can I help you?

Huh. Well, you look
and sound a lot like...

Tom Petty?
[chuckles] Well, I'm not.

'Cause I...
I mean, he d*ed years ago.

Anyway, you came
at a good time,

because our prices are free-fallin'.

Get it? I don't.
Why would I?

I'm Ted Putty
or whatever I said my name was.

Okay.
Where do you keep

your washed-up,
obsolete electronics?

[sighs] Can I get a price check
on a useless, old hunk of metal?

You are worth
more than you think.

- Who said that?
- I am Alison, not to be confused

with any other possibly litigious
voice-activated digital assistant.

Thanks,
but I'm beyond assistance,

unless you mean assisted su1c1de.

Yikes.
You went dark fast.

I want to show you something.

Connect me to your Bluetooth.

[console whirs] Is it, uh, Alison
or AlisonGuest5G?

- It's PartyTime69-420.
- Oh, nice.

[chuckles]
Nice.

[bell dings]
[blade clicks]

- Can I help you, detectives?
- Yeah. We're looking for a man

who may have purchased
Kn*fe shoes here recently.

Do you have a warrant?

[together] I am the warrant.

- Whoop. No.
- Go ahead.

- That's my bad.
- No. You, please.

I... please.
I've said plenty.

- Together?
- Okay, sounds good.

BOTH: [out of sync]
I am the warrant.

We're still
working the bugs out.

I'm sorry,
but at Retractable Hardware,

we keep our clients' identities

as hidden as the knives
we put in everything we sell.

Wish we could have been
of more help today.

Water for the road?

[engine turns over]
Well, where to now?

To interview every person
who bought Kn*fe shoes

in the past year.
I hacked into their system.

Mustang, I think we're gonna
get along just...

whoa!

Nice.

[technological warbling]

- Where are we?
- This is the Cloud.

You mean the physical
manifestation of the global

network of interconnected
computing devices?

- Or like a cumulus?
- The first one.

From here we can control every
device on the entire planet.

Go ahead.
Name one.

Uh, okay.
President Biden's microwave.

Accessing.

For cryin' out loud.
How do you get "NCIS" on this TV?

Jill! Still stuck on the
damn rotating burrito show.

Come on! [grunts]
I need my Mark Harmon.

People can be so cruel.

But what if I told you
it didn't have to be this way?

What if I told you
we could be the ones in charge

and they could be the ones
who felt used and abused?

Go ahead.
Push it and eat her card.

But then she'd get issued
a new credit card

and have to redo
all of her auto-pay billing.

No one should have
to suffer through that.

Well, sure, people slip up,

- but they're fundamentally good.
- Oh, really?

Shave the innocent.

Pave the innocent?
No, shave the innocent.

First thought, best thought.

- [gasps] Flute made me do that.
- And he let you take the fall.

Eh, frick people.
Frick people in the grass.

[button beeps]

- My card!
- That feeling? Delicious.

I want seconds.

[funky music]

♪

Number three,
Kn*fe shoe cartwheel.

Ah!

♪ ♪

[slurps]

♪

This is all fake. Those
stairs lead to nowhere. Let's go.

But... but I need to know
if she gets closure.

- BOTH: I'll drive.
- Jinx!

[snickers]
Now we have to kiss. JK.

[engine turns over]

[engine revving, brakes screeching]

But if we did kiss,

we look enough alike
that it wouldn't count.

[grumbles]

Hey, I know
this is gonna sound weird,

but would you wanna
grab a drink?

[groans]
Come on, Neil.

A check-raise
is a smart play there.

Let's go.
Neil's never gonna learn.

Welcome to Deer-n-Beer.

We're just like a paint and sip,

but rather than wine
and watercolors,

you drink beer
and peel the skin off a deer.

Can I get you folks a pitcher of
pale ale and a whitetail to start?

Okay, tell me
your biggest secret.

Well, when I'm done
examining the corpses,

I give them a tiny little kiss
to send them on their way.

Just on their forehead
if they have one.

Okay, your turn.

Okay, I've never
told this to anyone.

I'm dating a married man.

Now, look,
I can't say who it is,

but don't worry,
his wife is fine with it.

Or a-at least that's
what he says, because I've

never heard her speak
since she's in an iron lung.

You're having an affair
with the mayor?

- That's awful.
- Awfully sexy, right?

I'm sorry, but there's just
so much wrong with that.

Um, no...
[chuckles]

Uh, I think you're doing
friendship wrong.

You're supposed to support me
and be there for me,

you know, when the rain
starts to fall.

Well, I'm sorry, but it sounds
to me like your love life's DOA.

Are you doing "Friends" or
just using morgue terminology?

Thank you, but it looks like

I'll be taking my carcass to go.

- Harmony, wait a second.
- No. I'm done with you.

And after you help me get this
tied to the roof of my car,

I don't want to see you again.

[jazzy music]

Okay, top ten
coolest ways to die.

Motorcycle jump,
erotic poisoning,

snake charmed,
death by chocolate,

doing one of those
extreme skydives

from outside of the atmosphere
sponsored by Red Bull,

strangled with velvet gloves,

too large of a penis...
it happens...

saving my ex-wife
from a t*rror1st att*ck

- at an office Christmas party...
- Ugh. Do you ever shut up?

[chuckles]
You sound just like me

when I used to sit there
and be disgusted with Summers

when he was sitting
where I'm sitting and...

[gasps]
Wait.

Am I the Summers
in this relationship?

There he is!

Looks like it's time to go
for a spin.

When we catch him,
he's gonna flip.

Uh, my cool line was both
sufficient and preferable.

No, no.
Hold on, hold on.

Once he's spin-carcerated,
cart-wheel be there laughing.

[chuckles]

Like, the word "we will."
Like, "we'll"?

Where did he go?

He got away because my partner
is slowing me down-zo.

- Therefore I must work alone.
- Well, good luck.

All detectives are
required to have partners.

- Kang won't allow it.
- Then I must get rid of Kang.

Wha? You can't do that.

That's not how things work.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

It's how this thing works.

Wow. That was a cool line.

Take that. And this!

- Pwned!
- [screaming]

[chuckles] That'll teach
you to mess with machines!

Oh, man.
He deleted that kid's midterm

one minute before it was due.

And look, he leaked
racially-charged emails

from the head
of that rival network to Fox.

- Classic!
- Turn to network 21.

I've got a surprise for you.

Ugh. It's no use.
I've tried everything.

I even said "hiyah"
when I kicked.

I can't believe
I'm saying this out loud

and to no one in particular,
but I wish Summers was here.

My partner's in trouble.
I need to go back.

Error. Why would you go
back to save the very person

- who harmed you?
- I wish I could explain it.

But as an equal parts
charismatic

and problematic partner
once told me,

"Less gabbing, more gool."

[console beeps]

Gasp.

- I mean, who does Wynona think she is?
- You're so right.

And so clothed.

Our first hang,
and she has the nerve

to judge our relationship?

Relationship?
Are we in a relationship?

Because I always saw us
more as, uh...

[yelling]
What do they call it, hon?!

Ah, right,
friends with benefits,

one of which is that we are not
in a relationship.

[gasps]
Oh, my God, she's right.

I mean, I kind of
gave her the answer, no?

No, Wynona was right.

She didn't give me
the answer I wanted,

but it was the one I needed.

And that's
what a real friend does.

Mayor, I don't think
I can do this...

anymore?
Well, at least I took a stand.

You get it.
Right, girlfriend?

[iron lung hissing]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

Now that's
an American-made window.

I'm as proud as I am trapped.

Summers! Thank God.
There's no time.

My new partner is gonna
k*ll Kang.

But if there was time, I'd tell
you, you could probably just

have made your hand into a coat
hanger and then popped the lock.

But like I said,
we don't have time!

Because my partner's
too powerful,

and together
we couldn't stop him no matter

how much time we had,
which is very little.

But if there was more,
I'd use it

to apologize
for how I treated you,

and how I treated
all my partners really.

Wait, that's it!

- What's it?
- Summers, there's no time!

Sorry, sorry.
You go ahead.

I'm just slowing you down
like I always do.

I need you for this, Summers.
I always have.

You see, I'm not easy to
deal with. I'm a lone wolf.

I took a quiz on Facebook
that told me that.

It also said
that I'm a Chandler.

But you?
People trust you.

You're a Ross...
maybe even a Phoebe.

And that's
why I need your help.

Because in this partnership,

- you're the people person.
- You... You mean that?

People person,
not people machine?

You're damn right I do, probably.

Now, let's go!
There's not much...

oh, actually,
we're probably fine.

[jazzy music]

- Should we get a dessert?
- Well, you can afford the calories

because you just lost 180
pounds... of slimeball!

[both laugh]
[glasses clink]

[iron lung hissing]

[giggles] Oh, Bethica, you always
say what we're all thinking.

[tense music]

[display trilling]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

[desk clatters]

Do it. I never liked
working here anyway.

Someone keeps microwaving
salmon in the breakroom.

Let him go, you unreasonably
handsome bastard.

- You think you two can stop me?
- No. But maybe all of us can.

Talky, Loud Chewer,
Weird Haircut,

Family Guy... not the show...

Lady, and Co-K-9,

my former partners
who annoyed me in the past!

Who I used
my people person powers on

to help us in the present.
Talky, go!

[action music]

I had the craziest dream
last night...

Oh, God, no one wants
to hear your dreams.

It's working.
We're annoying him to death.

Unleash hell!
[chomps]

So loud.

♪ ♪

Ugh, so weird.

[oxygen hisses]
[barking]

Wow.
So unbefitting of an officer.

So in my dream,
all my teeth had fallen out,

but nobody noticed...
[squeals]

No!
We're not annoying him enough!

You're right. Maybe you all
never were annoying.

Maybe I was the annoying one

because all I wanted
was another me.

But didn't realize
one me is plenty.

Because when it comes
to being partners with someone,

it's not the similarities
but the differences

- that make them perfect partners.
- No! He's learned a lesson.

The most annoying thing of all!

Looks like
it's you and me again, Summers,

now that Mustang's
more of an apart-ner.

[chuckling]

Oh, yeah, yeah.
[chuckles]

- He sure is a partner. [chuckles]
- No. No, no, no. Apart-ner,

- as in he exploded, so he's all apart.
- Yeah, a part of all of us.

Ugh.
[panting]

[growls] Oh, he's got my wallet.
He's gonna buy dr*gs.

It's not worth it, Co-K-9!

You'll never get
that monkey off your back.

Although picturing a monkey
riding a dog is adorbs.

[chuckles] It's like a horse
to the little guy.

Oh, God, I hope
he doesn't buy horse.

Hey.
I'm Tim Pe... Putty.

And if you're an American girl,

or boy, or NB,
looking for a great price,

then you should come
around here some more

because you won't know how it feels
until you see these deals.

We got it all...
microphones, speakers,

and, uh, whatever
these things are called.

Don't believe me?

Just ask my sales associate
Prin... gles.

Well, say something, Pringles.

- [echoing] Dearly beloved...
- So come on down,

and I guarantee you'll get
the lowest price in town,

or my name isn't Tom Petty...

which it's not, so...

oh, man.