10x10 - Immigration policy of the Joe Biden administration

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight".
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.

Fox News found itself looking for a
new host of "White Grievance Tonight".

Montana lawmakers barred trans
representative Zooey Zephyr

from the House floor,
and Matthew McConaughey

gave a motivational seminar
titled "The Art of Livin'"

and I can't show you all of it,
but here is just a taste.

In 1999, I just had a dream
that I was floatin' down a river,

naked, wrapped up in anacondas,
sharks, piranhas, and crocodiles,

and lined along the ridge
of the river,

there were thousands
of African tribesmen,

each holding a shield and a spear.

And it wasn't a nightmare.
Actually, it was a wet dream.

What a twist at the end there.

"I know my dream might've contained
some pretty dicey racial imagery there,

but would it help to know that,
at the end of it, I ejaculated?"

That event was, and this is true,
five and a half hours long,

and I'm not sure what lesson you're
supposed to learn from it other than:

if you try to do dr*gs with
Matthew McConaughey, you will die.

But we're gonna start in the U.K.,
where the economy is in turmoil.

And the Bank of England's
chief economist recently said

that "we're all worse off
and we all have to take our share".

Which makes it a less-than-ideal time
for this to be happening.

This morning,
the country is coronation-ready,

with only one week
to go until the big day.

Buckingham Palace is releasing
these three brand-new images

of the soon-to-be-crowned
King and Queen.

Last-minute preparations
are feverishly underway,

from rehearsals involving hundreds of
British m*llitary personnel on horseback,

to polishing the grand coaches
the King and Queen will travel in.

Yes, the coronation
of the world's least likable orphan

is less than a week away now.

Meaning that they are really
going through with this, I guess.

They're actually
going to print bank notes

with the image of a man
whose face only a mother could love

and only two cousins
could produce.

The coronation
is happening on Saturday,

and while preparations
have been going on for months now,

they've also hit some
speed bumps,

especially when it comes to booking
musical acts for the coronation concert.

Many top British performers
won't be singing for the king.

According to Rolling Stone,
stars like Adele and the Spice Girls

all reportedly
turning the opportunity down.

Elton John, who regularly performed
at concerts for the Queen,

telling Rolling Stone
he has scheduling issues.

Yeah, of course he does.

Elton John was famously
close friends with Diana.

In his autobiography, he called her
"incredibly indiscreet, a real gossip.

You could ask her anything
and she'd tell you."

Just look at them together!

That is the face of a man listening
to the best gossip about her husband

that he has ever heard, while
still trying to appear sympathetic.

Charles, Elton John
knows things about you.

And not just the tampon thing.
Way worse than the tampon thing.

So, no, he will not be playing
at your big fancy party,

and to be honest,
you don't want him there.

And look, this is clearly
a big moment in British history,

but it's also a reminder
of how intertwined

the monarchy is with the grimmer
moments of that history.

The chair in which Charles
will sit is apparently missing a corner,

thanks to a b*mb att*ck in 1914
thought to be organized by suffragettes.

And they avoided having Camilla
use this crown during the coronation,

because it contains
the Koh-i-Noor diamond,

which, you know, Google it.

It's not that I don't want
to explain it to you,

it's that a person who sounds like me
Britsplaining the Koh-i-Noor diamond

is technically a w*r crime.

All of this comes as young Britons

are increasingly turning
against the monarchy.

One poll found
that only a third actively back it.

That poll, by the way, also asked,

"Do you think King Charles
is in touch or out of touch

with the experiences
of the British public?"

And I don't know.
Is this guy out of touch? This guy?

Is this guy out of… Sorry!
That's his brother with Jeffrey Epstein.

Is this guy out of touch?
Who can really say?

Still, Britain is going all-in
to whip up enthusiasm.

This chocolate bust of Charles
was produced,

which might look even more like him
once it melts slightly in the sun.

And then there was the announcement
of the coronation's official dish.

The King and Queen Consort
have unveiled their coronation quiche.

The savory tart will be served at big
lunches celebrating next month's event.

A crisp, light pastry case,
filled with the delicate flavors

of spinach, broad beans,
and fresh tarragon.

But at Buckingham Palace,

it seems it might not tickle
all modern taste buds.

I'm fine with the spinach,
but I'll pass on the broad beans.

That sounds disgusting.

Yeah! Yeah, it does!

But to be fair,
that's because it's a quiche.

It's pie's weird camp friend.
And on quiche's best day, it's nothing.

The most a quiche
can ever hope to make you feel

is slightly more full of quiche.

Although, the coronation quiche might
actually be a perfect fit for Charles,

because it's spectacularly ordinary

and contains an unlikeable combination
of ingredients.

Still, it has taken up a truly stupid
amount of time on British TV.

Chefs have made the quiche,

hosts have discussed it,
people have eaten it,

but the quiche coverage reached
its absurd apex when Nigel Farage

appeared on Australian TV
to try and politicize it.

So, we learned today

that the official coronation cake
is a vegan quiche.

How boring!

Oh dear! My heart sunk
when I saw that news this morning.

Sorry to interrupt, but your heart sank
when you saw that news?

There are wars going on, Nigel.

Every day, the Earth gets
one degree closer to death

and it looks like Carrie is getting
back together with Aiden,

but this is what mustered
emotion out of you?

Also, for the record:
it's not vegan.

Quiche is, pretty famously,
an egg-based dish.

Vegans don't eat eggs. You would know
that if you'd ever listened to a vegan.

And it's not that hard, they're
literally always talking about it.

Believe it or not,
that segment even continued.

I think what we're looking at here or
what we're warming up to potentially

is the austerity coronation.

To make sure that we're all
as environmentally sensible

as we possibly can be,

and so in keeping with that,
they have produced the dullest,

most uninspiring,
and most politically correct dish

that has ever been produced
for a major occasion in this country.

It is truly ghastly.

I do kind of get
where he's coming from there.

You could argue
this is a belt-tightening dish

for a country
whose economy is struggling.

And it kind of makes you wonder
what pack of absolute dipshits

drove Britain off a financial cliff
in the first place,

but I guess a "former Brexit leader"
wouldn't know anything about that.

At the end of the day,

the reason everyone's
desperately talking about Charles

wanting people to have bean quiche
at his fake job party

is that it is clearly
more interesting than he is.

Which is a problem for the monarchy.
But there are some potential fixes.

When it comes to the quiche,

you could replace the beans
with caramelized leeks.

You could swap out
the cheddar with gruyere,

and a dash of goat cheese.

Also, you could add a drizzle of honey
for some balance,

maybe spicy honey for some depth
if you're feeling cheeky.

And then, to serve,
and this part is really crucial,

I'd recommend
taking that quiche,

and throwing it
straight into the f*cking trash,

along with the monarchy itself,

so that Britain can finally
stop hemorrhaging money

supporting a family
of lightly inbred billionaires.

And now, this!

And Now:
Is Matthew McConaughey OK?

Yes, the future, it's foggy.

It seems like
on this highway called life,

everybody's got
their hazard lights on.

All right, you know,
my appetite may be your indigestion.

Your appetite
may make my stomach queasy.

We're not always ready to change
from the caterpillar into the butterfly.

Sometimes we want to cocoon.

Those very truths,
beauties, and tools,

those are what we are gonna need
to build that rocket ship

to get us to those stars
that we're sh**ting for.

So whether it's the future,
the unknown, or our flaws,

we have to look the monster
in the eye

and hold
that son of a bitch's gaze.

You can measure mistrust in ounces
but you can measure trust in pounds.

I believe that the recipe
for your particular secret sauce

is under the hood of what you do well,
not what you don't.

Now, I fall down, I get up
and dust myself off, like that.

I step in a pile of sh*t,

I keep running while I'm cleaning
that sh*t off my shoe, on the go.

I'll step in the same pile of sh*t
every time around the bend

because I never stop to take
inventory of just…

where that pile of sh*t
that I keep stepping in was.

Moving on. Our main story tonight
concerns immigration.

It's the reason I'm here.
The reason I'm in this country.

Not the reason I exist.
The reason for that should be obvious:

a tax accountant f*cked a stork,
and voila, here I am!

We're going to talk about the situation
on our southern border.

And I know what you're thinking:
"Finally, someone is going to address

the magnificent statue in El Paso
known as 'Pile o' Gators,'

featuring what looks
like a bunch of horny reptiles

engaging in a sloppy
swamp orgy."

But while that is certainly
a situation on the border,

it is sadly not the situation,

which refers to what's going on
with migrants down there.

And if you ask
politicians on the right,

that situation
can best be summed up like this.

Our border is wide open
and out of control

and Americans
are dying because of it.

The truth is that there is an invasion
happening at our southern border.

Migrants are absolutely invading
this country.

Our country is under att*ck.

America is being invaded.

No American is safe.

Let's first acknowledge the irony
of cowardly freaking out about migrants

in front of a sign that reads
"Mr. Strong".

Never before has a name plate
felt so intensely sarcastic.

But also, setting aside
the blatant xenophobia there,

are the two of you wearing
matching outfits?

Because it sure feels like
you met up at Men's Wearhouse,

made a beeline
for "The Caucasian Collection",

picked out the exact same suit,

and then wore it like Tweedledum
and Tweedle-deportation.

The right has been fearmongering
about immigration even more than usual.

And to be fair…
I don't have to be fair. f*ck 'em.

But to be fairer
than they actually deserve,

there is a lot happening
at the border right now.

The number of migrant
encounters there,

which was rising
before Biden came into office,

reached "a record high" last year.

Now, that has happened
for a number of reasons,

including that we're coming out
of a global pandemic,

and multiple countries,
from Haiti to Venezuela to Ukraine,

are in crisis right now,
so there's a high number of people

forced to flee their homes.

Plus, some asylum seekers may,
understandably,

have been encouraged by Biden's
rhetoric on the campaign trail,

which was notably different
than his opponent.

I can only imagine what it's like
to see someone in your family deported.

I can only imagine
what that's like.

To me, it's all about family.

Beginning, middle, and end,
it's about family.

That's not going to happen
in my administration.

The idea you can't even seek asylum
on American soil?

Can't even seek asylum
on American soil?

When did that happen?
Tr*mp. It's wrong.

- You're going to change that?
- Yes, I am.

Yeah, "it's all about family,
beginning, middle, and end",

whatever the f*ck that means.

A pretty empty phrase
from a presidential candidate,

but to be honest,
a pretty good tagline for "Fast X".

It's only mildly less comprehensible
than "the end of the road begins".

But at the time,
that promise sounded good.

It is worth remembering that even if
Biden wasn't your favorite candidate,

even if he was
your least favorite candidate,

after four years of Tr*mp,
that was pretty refreshing.

It's like wandering through
the Sahara Desert for four years

and all of a sudden
seeing a Panera.

It's not necessarily paradise
in its own right,

but compared
with what you just went through,

you would k*ll for an asiago turkey
sandwich and a lemonade no question.

Promises like that are why we cited
Biden's potential to undo

Tr*mp's damage on immigration
as a key reason to vote for him,

just a week before the election.

Now, did we make the difference?
Who can say?

Nurses are the real heroes.

Unfortunately, though,
when it comes to the southern border,

Biden has disappointed
in a lot of ways.

But it is not because he's opened up
the country to an invasion,

it's actually, in many ways,
the opposite.

Many migrants,
including asylum seekers,

are finding it impossible to access
this country through our ports of entry.

And the conditions
that they're facing are dire.

In many border cities,
shelters and detention centers

are reportedly near capacity,
with the director of one of them

saying "Every day I turn away
at least 10 families with children".

And just last month,
at least 40 people d*ed

when a migrant center
caught fire.

And frustratingly, a lot of this has
been exacerbated by U.S. policies

that are well within Biden's power
to remedy, and yet, he hasn't.

And that is basically
what our story is about tonight.

It's about what Biden promised to do,
what he has and hasn't done,

and how his latest efforts to fix
things might make them worse.

And first, let's acknowledge,
it is impossible to assess

what Biden has done at the border
without looking at what he inherited.

Tr*mp campaigned
on high-octane xenophobia,

and his policies reflected that,

from large-scale family separation
to attacking DACA,

to his so-called
"Remain in Mexico" policy,

which led to massive encampments
of would-be asylum seekers

south of the border.

And Tr*mp approached
all of it with his signature clarity.

The immigration laws are horrible.
We're doing an incredible job.

We're doing a record-breaking job,
but we have bad laws.

When you have bad laws
you can do good,

but you can do a lot better
if you had good laws.

I mean, that is total gibberish,

but if you look
at what he's saying closely there,

you'll find it's also,
and this is true, a haiku.

I'm kidding, it absolutely isn't,
but wouldn't it be great if it was?

If that buffoon
was capable of accidental beauty?

But it's not, and he isn't,
so we're back to square one.

Now, to Biden's credit,

he created a task force
to reunify the separated families,

he strengthened protections
around DACA,

and he suspended
the "Remain in Mexico" policy.

And yet, there remain
huge numbers of people,

stuck just south of the border,
in camps that look an awful lot

like the ones
that were there during Tr*mp.

And a significant reason for that has
to do with a policy called Title 42,

which allows the U.S. to kick migrants
out of the country with shocking ease.

We've talked about it before,
but just as a refresher:

it's not actually
an immigration law at all.

It is an arcane
public health order

aimed at preventing
the spread of communicable diseases.

The Tr*mp administration
implemented it in March of 2020,

invoking it as a safety precaution
intended to prevent Covid-19

from spreading
through Border Patrol stations.

But the truth is,
long before Covid,

its use had been floated
by Stephen Miller,

a child's answer to the prompt
"Draw Squidward from memory".

In fact, the invocation of Title 42
was referred to as

"a Stephen Miller special.
He was all over that,"

a sentence I truly hope no one
has to speak or hear ever again.

And Miller has bragged
about Title 42's sweeping powers.

The principle of it
is very simple,

which is that,
during a pandemic,

if you come into this country,

your very presence here,
if you enter unlawfully,

is a thr*at to our public health,
full stop.

You go home.

First, I'm pretty sure if you played
the sound of Stephen Miller's voice

in a maternity ward,

a newborn infant
would instinctively say,

despite not having any knowledge
of the English language,

"shut the f*ck up".

That "thr*at to our public health"
line was bullshit.

While Tr*mp claimed
that the order originated with the CDC,

one former health official said
that they were forced to implement it,

adding "It was either do it
or get fired".

The CDC's scientists said
there was no evidence Title 42

would actually slow
the spread of coronavirus.

But the reason Tr*mp seized on it
is pretty obvious.

Under normal circumstances, migrants
have the legal right to ask for asylum,

no matter
where they cross the border.

But like Incel Caillou said,
Title 42 "gave the government

the power to rapidly expel any migrant
without giving them an opportunity

to make a case for staying in US
legally, including to seek asylum".

And you would hope that,
upon taking office,

Biden would move
as fast as possible to get rid of it.

But instead, his administration
has been all over the place.

Just a few months
into his presidency,

his secretary of Homeland Security sent
this message to potential migrants.

The message is quite clear.
Do not come.

The border is closed.
The border is secure.

We are expelling families.

We are expelling single adults

under the CDC's authority under
Title 42 of the United States Code

because we are in the midst
of a pandemic,

and that is a public health
imperative.

Except it wasn't a public health
imperative, and everyone knew it.

And look, if you're going to parrot
Tr*mp's harmful talking points,

at least throw in some
of the funny ones as well.

Every time you do
a press conference

to bolster some bullshit
xenophobic policy like Title 42,

you also have to go off on a tangent
about how Robert Pattinson

should have dumped
Kristen Stewart.

It is the least
that you can do.

For months afterward, the Biden
administration let the policy stand,

and even at one point
defended it in court.

Then, to be fair,
they did try to end it,

only for a federal judge
to block those efforts,

with reporting
at the time indicating

that the "ruling was met with a sigh
of relief inside the White House".

Biden expanded who could be
expelled to Mexico under Title 42.

Because while the order initially
allowed the U.S. to do that

with migrants
from these four countries,

he chose to broaden it,
first to include Venezuelan migrants,

and later to those from Cuba,
Haiti, and Nicaragua.

And the administration will point out,
and not wrongly,

that they have issued humanitarian
exemptions to Title 42.

It's estimated
that around 187,000 migrants

were granted exemptions
from May of last year to last month.

But not only is that a fraction
of those seeking asylum,

the administration's been criticized

for a lack of clarity
and consistency in who is eligible.

Some have argued that there has been
a pretty glaring discrepancy

in who the country
has and hasn't decided to allow in.

At a migrant shelter in Tijuana,
Mexico, claims of a double standard:

special treatment
for Ukrainians fleeing the w*r

and being admitted to the U.S.

I love that the government
is helping them,

because they're going
through a really hard situation.

But that's not what happens
for people here.

Exactly. We should all
be treated the same way.

How do you account
for the difference in the treatment?

Racism.

Yeah, of course. Racism.
It's the answer to so many questions,

like "Why are some people
treated differently at the border?"

"Why did Roseanne Barr
get fired?"

"Why does your grandpa insist
on pronouncing 'Kamala'

the way that he does?"

And Title 42,
including Biden's expanded use of it,

has functionally robbed people
of their basic right

to make an asylum case for themselves,
which can be devastating.

Just listen to this Honduran migrant

talk about getting all the way
to America with his family,

on the presumption
he'd be able to apply for asylum,

only to be taken into custody,

and woken up one day
with an unpleasant surprise.

One of us asked

"Where are you taking us?
Is it true we're being deported?"

They said
"No, we're not deporting you.

We're taking you to a shelter,
and you can keep going from there".

And that was a lie.
They tricked us.

When we got off the bus,

we saw the sign that said
"Tijuana, Baja California".

That's when we realized
we'd been sent back.

So, you didn't realize
until you were already in Mexico?

Right. Once we were already here.

That is clearly not
how immigration policy should work.

Under no circumstances

should people on a bus
be lied to about where it's going,

unless, that is,
it's a bachelorette party bus

and they're demanding
to be taken to another bar

even though one of them
already threw up on a pigeon.

In that case alone, you say "Sure"
you swing by CVS for some Pedialyte,

and you take them back
to their Airbnb.

And because many migrants can't return
to the country that they were fleeing,

they wind up stuck
on our southern border,

or trying repeatedly to get back into
the country, often at their own peril.

More than 890 migrants d*ed
in border crossings last year,

making it the deadliest year

since the U.S. government
began tracking border crossing deaths.

And for those stuck in Mexico,
the experience can be harrowing.

One group found that, since 2021,

there've been over 13,000 reports
of m*rder, t*rture, kidnapping, r*pe,

and other violent att*cks on migrants
and asylum seekers

blocked in or expelled
to Mexico under Title 42.

Now, the good news is,
Title 42 may be about to expire.

And the reason for that is,

when the broader Covid public health
emergency ends on May 11th,

Title 42 is expected
to expire with it.

The bad news, though, is that
even with over two years to plan,

Biden's new proposed rule
may not be much of an improvement.

For one thing,
asylum seekers will now be expected

to make an appointment
at a point of entry

through a new government app that
Biden proudly announced in January.

If they're seeking asylum,

they can use an app
on their cell phone called CBP One,

O-N-E, CBP One, O-N-E.

That's to spell it out,
not the number one.

Thanks for spelling it out.
That helps a great deal.

This is that app, and as you can see,
its icon apparently features,

I don't know
what else this could be,

a border patrol agent
with a raging boner.

It has been in use since January,

as a way for people to request
exemptions to Title 42,

and the early results aren't great.

Every morning at 9:00 AM,

women frantically try to refresh
the government app

hoping to get an appointment
to enter the U.S.

We watched with Karina Breceda
who runs the shelter.

By 9:05, all the appointments,
and hope, were gone.

It's lottery with people's lives,
with people's families,

with people's livelihoods,
with people's wellbeing.

That is horrible.

We should not be placing peoples' fate
in the hands of a smartphone app.

And don't get me wrong,
apps can serve a lot of functions.

For example, this one
is for messaging your friends;

this one is for receiving robocalls;

this one is for seeing
what your mom is up to;

this one is for accidentally
turning it on, muttering "sh*t"

and finally turning it off
after a minimum of three tries.

This one is for watching
democracy crumble

while Cher tweets the most baffling
series of emojis that you've ever seen;

and this one is for looking
at photos of pugs

who make a better living
than you do.

The point here is,
we use apps for many purposes,

but "reserving an appointment to try
and ensure the safety of your family"

probably shouldn't be one of them.

As of right now,

only about 740 people per day
can get appointments through the app.

But since there are obviously
far more people who need them,

a day's appointments
can run out within minutes,

which is why some have dubbed
the app "asylum Ticketmaster",

a truly terrifying
combination of words.

And just take a moment

to appreciate quite how shitty
of a company Ticketmaster is.

People saw vulnerable migrants being
robbed of their ability to seek asylum

and thought "You know
what this reminds me of?

Ticketmaster,
a company about concerts".

What's more, many asylum seekers
have outdated cell phones,

if they have them at all,
that don't support the CBP One app

and often have limited
or no access to the internet.

And on top of all of this,
it requires people to upload a selfie.

Its facial recognition technology has
worked better for some than for others.

Even for digitally savvy migrants,
the experience has been a challenge.

It doesn't want to scan.
It doesn't want to scan his face.

They say the app has glitches,
and some even claim

the feature malfunctions
for those with darker skin.

I get up to the option to scan my face
but it asks to get closer and closer,

but it doesn't do anything,
and that's the problem,

that it takes a long time to load
and that's where it fails.

So, we try it again.

Yeah, pretty bad!
At one shelter in Reynosa,

they even had to install
bright construction lights

for people with darker skin

to shine on their faces
so the app would recognize them.

And I've got to say,

given the history of everything
that's happened in this country ever,

it is hard to think
of anything more on-brand

than a U.S. immigration app that scans
your face and says "not white enough".

And none of this is even getting into
some of the other issues with the app,

like that it's told migrants to report
to border stations 1,500 miles away,

and has made it very difficult
for families to get appointments.

And for anyone considering
trying to circumvent this process

by crossing the border between
the ports of entry to request asylum,

something that, again,
is completely legal,

under Biden's proposal, you would
be "presumed ineligible for asylum",

unless you've already applied for it,
and been denied,

in any country
that you've already passed through.

And as many have pointed out, that is
eerily similar to a Tr*mp-era policy

that "made migrants
ineligible for asylum

if they passed through a third country
en route to the U.S.

and didn't seek asylum there first".

That forced people
into dangerous situations,

and was completely antithetical to the
basic tenets of U.S. asylum policy.

That is something that Biden himself
definitely used to understand,

given that, remember,
he's the guy who said this.

Can't even seek asylum
on American soil?

When did that happen?

I can answer that for you, Joe! Now!
It's in a rule that you just proposed!

And I know there are a lot of things
that we would like to forget from 2020,

like the word "Cuomosexual"
or how everything was cake for a while,

or how Gonzo my hair got.

I look like I have to tell everyone
I just moved into the neighborhood.

But your outrage
at the treatment of asylum seekers

shouldn't be something
you're just allowed to forget.

So, if and when Title 42
expires next month,

it seems that we're not going back to
the way that things were before Tr*mp.

Because with Biden's new proposal,

we're just entering a different phase
of an immigration dystopia,

particularly for asylum seekers.

And a lot of people
are unhappy with it.

The UN high commissioner
for refugees has said it's

"inconsistent with the foundational
principles of international refugee law"

and recommended that the government
refrain from adopting it.

It is pretty obvious that Title 42
was never

a functional or compassionate
model of immigration policy.

But neither is funneling migrants
through an app

whose boner icon
actually makes sense now,

given just how thoroughly
it fucks people.

So, what can we do?
Restoring the right to asylum

would roll back at least some
of the harm that's been done here.

But that is just the start.

We also have to scale up capacity
of our entire immigration system,

including our immigration courts,

which, as we've talked about on the
show before, are massively overloaded.

They're currently estimated to have
a backlog of over two million cases.

And beyond that, it is critical
that we also expand other legal,

non-asylum pathways
into this country.

Basically, we badly need
actual immigration reform,

which means congressional action.

But that hasn't happened
in decades.

Until it does, our immigration system
will remain fundamentally broken.

But that is no excuse

for making things even worse
with bad policy and shitty apps.

And I know this can be hard
to hear for some Democrats,

who are reluctant
to hear any criticism of Biden.

They will point out that Tr*mp
was absolutely worse on immigration,

which he definitely was.

But that is too low a bar.

Biden should, at the very least,

be held accountable
to the promises that he made.

But the problem is, when it comes
to asylum seekers in particular,

you're talking
about a group of people

for whom those promises
are among the easiest to break.

And migrants are going to keep
seeking asylum in this country,

as they have every legal right to do.

And we need to make a choice
in whether we are comfortable

to continue leaving so many of them
in squalor and danger at the border,

or whether we are willing
to finally fulfill our nation's promise

of offering them a safer,
more hopeful life in a free country

complete with the single horniest
pile o' gators in the entire world.

And now, this!

And Now…

Wait, Did Tucker Carlson
Know This Was Coming?

People are getting fired, are getting
drummed out of polite society

for saying the wrong thing
even accidentally,

so pay attention…

I'm never gonna call
for anybody's f*ring

for saying
something stupid on television,

as someone who's said
stupid things on television.

Other people might not agree
with you, but that's okay,

it doesn't make either of you evil
or mean you ought to be fired.

We live in a country where you can
be fired for having the wrong thought.

I would be happy to live in a world

where nobody got fired
for saying something stupid.

Why are so many people
being fired right now?

You can be fired
from your job if you disobey.

Dare to say what you think
at work and you'll be fired,

you can be fired, you can be fired.

Most of us don't have job security,
I've been fired,

I say whatever I feel like saying,
perhaps I'll be fired again.

Moving on.
Before we go tonight, a quick update.

You may remember, last month,

we introduced you to Radiant Plumbing
and Air Conditioning,

a Texas company
started by a married couple

who produce
elaborate movie-themed ads,

from a toilet-themed
"Avengers" parody,

to a toilet-themed "Terminator" one,
to even taking on "Dune".

The people ask us to bring peace
to the city of Austin.

House Radiant accepts!

I know you.

There's something awakening
in your mind.

When Frank Herbert wrote "Dune",

I doubt he realized that
the quintessential version of his story

would be made not by Jodorowsky,
not by David Lynch,

not by Denis Villeneuve, but by
a gaggle of Texas toilet specialists

with an After Effects login.

We loved their ingenuity so much,
we issued them a challenge,

saying that if they agreed
to make their next commercial

based on the mystery movie
in that envelope,

we would debut it on this show,

and give $10,000
to the Central Texas Food Bank.

And I'm happy to say
that they took us up on that offer.

We were never going to f*ck
them over with the movie choice.

We were never going
to f*ck them over

by giving them a film
like "Schindler's List" or "Tar",

but we did want to challenge them.

So, the film that we picked
was "Magnolia."

We asked them to turn
PT Anderson's sprawling,

three-hour epic into a commercial
for a toilet-repair business.

Which is easier said than done.

"Magnolia" is a movie
with a sh*t-ton of main characters,

ranging from a deranged
motivational speaker

to sad-sack hospice nurse
to a kid stuck on a quiz show

to a woman so hyped out
on cocaine she might explode

to the cop who comes to her door
and maybe falls in love with her.

It also features not one,
but two father figures dying of cancer,

and catchy lines of dialogue
like this.

I have cancer
and I'm dying very soon.

It's metastasized in my bones.

I'm not saying that this film was easy
for them to turn into a toilet parody.

I'm not suggesting that.

But we were confident
that they could do it.

Also, visually, "Magnolia"
gives them something to work with.

It has a black-and-white prologue,
a literal rainstorm of frogs,

and a moment where every character
sings the same Aimee Mann song.

It's not going to stop…

It's not going to stop…

It's not going to stop…

'Til you wise up.

I'm telling you, this movie is great.
It is fantastically bonkers.

We were excited to see which parts
of it they chose to parody,

and surprisingly, it turned out,
kind of all of them.

So, we are thrilled to share
what Radiant did with you tonight.

And spoiler alert: they really outdid
themselves with the title alone.

The year was 1999.

A typical story, a normal couple,
and a normal business.

What they built turned out
to be anything but normal.

The question is, do you have
problems with your toilet?

The answer is, just call Radiant.

I'll be right there!

Your toilet's super loud.

I'm here to help.

Sometimes my plumbing's broke
and I don't know what to do.

- Have a problem with your plumbing?
- Just call Radiant!

Tell him everything's going to be okay.
How dare you judge me!

You're a terrible water heater,
cold showers my whole life.

- Problems with your water heater?
- Just call Radiant!

I want to be cool
but I'm so darn hot.

This darn AC! If I were smart,
I'd have called Radiant.

Toilets are falling from the sky.

There you have it.

There was the story of Radiant
Plumbing and Air Conditioning.

Could it actually all have been
a coincidence?

All this host knows for sure is that
if you need help with your plumbing,

air conditioning, or drains,
just call Radiant.

The answer to it all

is simply to just call Radiant.

Excellent! Just excellent!

But here's the thing,
just like "Magnolia" itself,

that ad is a piece of art that requires
multiple viewings to truly appreciate

because the level of detail here
is complete madness.

There are multiple scenes

that are sh*t-for-sh*t matches
for the original movie,

even down to this zoom in
on a piece of art in "Magnolia",

which they cleverly
matched with this one.

In the original movie, a falling frog
interrupts a su1c1de attempt,

and in their version,

a toilet's su1c1de by drill
is thwarted by a tiny falling toilet.

That suicidal toilet,
by the way, bears the words

"I have corrosion,
it is in my porcelain,

only have a couple of months",

while the other dying father figure
is represented by this water heater

wearing a hospital gown
which bears the words

"I have corrosion too", sad face.

Every detail is deliberate.

Even the thermostat in this scene
is set to 99 degrees,

referencing both the year
the original film was released

and the year
that Radiant was founded.

There are more easter eggs in this
ad than in a 10-episode Marvel TV show.

At one point in the original movie,
this character says to this character

that he will "dropkick the dogs
if they get near me,"

and if you watch very carefully

when their characters meet in
the Radiant ad, you will notice this.

Come on! Come on!

What else could
you possibly want?

Not only did they go
above and beyond,

they are even matching our donation
with one to the San Antonio Food Bank.

Radiant Plumbing,
you have delivered!

Thank you so much!

Honestly, I still don't know
if you are any good at plumbing,

and if it turns out
you're terrible at it,

that would actually make
all of this 10 times funnier.

But one thing is for sure,
when it comes to toilet-based cinema,

you are unparalleled.

I cannot wait to see what you do next,
because remember,

if you can dream it,
you can toilet.

Exactly. That's our show, thank you
so much for watching, good night!