10x18 - Dollar stores

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to "Last Week Tonight!"
I'm John Oliver.

Thank you so much for joining us.
It has been a busy week.

Biden met with Xi Jinping,

King Charles celebrated his 75th
birthday while looking at least 97,

and George Santos announced
he wouldn't be seeking re-election

after an Ethics Committee report
that he disputes found

he'd used campaign donations
for personal purchases on Botox,

Sephora, and OnlyFans.

And honestly, I like him now
and I think he should stay.

Israel's airstrikes and ground
invasion continued in Gaza,

and the discourse on it here reached
its absolute nadir when Fox Business

welcomed Fabio for a 10-minute
interview on the subject,

including this wild digression
concerning Hamas.

These people, they find so much
pleasure to k*ll, just the worst.


than the Nazis!

And also, they advertise,
they publicize, they are so happy:

"I k*lled 10 Jew, I did that"…

It's like, at least the Nazis,
they kept it kind of quiet.

What?

Hold on, Fabio!

Far be it for me to contradict
a noted geopolitical expert

and former I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter spokesperson,

but "At least the Nazis
kept it kind of quiet?"

The Nazis kept it many things.
They kept it punctual.

They kept it blonde.
They kept it humorless.

And yes, they kept it tight.

They were well tailored
pieces of sh*t.

But subtlety was, famously, very
much not their calling card, Fabio.

But we're going to turn to Congress,
which before recessing this week

passed a continuing resolution "to keep
the government open" into the new year.

But in the runup,
things got a bit weird.

It was a tense confrontation between
Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin,

and the head of the Teamsters,
Sean O'Brien.

They'd gone back and forth online
a few months ago, with O'Brien saying

"Quit the tough guy
act in these Senate hearings.

You know where to find me.
Anyplace, anytime cowboy.

Hashtag little man syndrome",

with an image of Mullin
standing on a box at a debate.

This week,
Mullin answered that challenge.

Sir, this is a time, this is a place.
If you want to run your mouth.

We can be two consenting adults.
We can finish it here.

- Okay, that's fine, perfect.
- You want to do it now?

- I'd love to do it right now.
- Stand your butt up then.

You stand your butt up, big guy.
Is that your solution?

Sit down.
You're a United States senator.

That voice was Bernie Sanders,
and respectfully, Bernie, shut up!

It is nice to hear
you call for a ceasefire,

a lot of us thought
you'd forgotten how to do that.

But shut up!

I want to see anabolic Jim Halpert
get his ass handed to him.

Because do you know
who Sean O'Brien is?

He's a fourth-generation
Boston Teamster.

He basically came out of the womb
wearing brass knuckles.

I want to see
Senator Anger Management

get his jock rocked
by Beantown's Mr. Clean here.

That's what I want!

While Bernie did stop the fighting,
he couldn't stop the pettiness.

He made
a lot of statements, right?

His statements are fiction,
at best.

- Fiction? I read 'em!
- What?

- Answer the question, please.
- I can't understand him, to be honest.

That is so childish,
it's actually brilliant.

O'Brien has got
the demeanor of a mob boss,

the body of a fire hydrant,
and the insults of a five-year-old.

And amazingly,
it still wasn't over.

Mullin challenged O'Brien
to a charity fight and later said this.

- I'm not afraid of biting. I will bite.
- Biting?

If I'm in a fight, I'm gonna bite,
I'll do anything. I'm not above it.

And I don't care where I bite.
It's just is gonna be a bite.

You don't care where you bite?
There's no other way to interpret that

than Mullin is going to bite him
in the d*ck.

And how is that tough-guy behavior?
"Watch out, he bites"

isn't what you say about a senator
who everyone respects,

it's what you say
about a three-year-old named Dylan

after he's had two Capri Suns.

And that wasn't Congress's
only fight this week.

Kevin McCarthy allegedly elbowed

Tennessee representative
Tim Burchett in the back,

with Burchett later responding,

"I prayed for him this morning
because I know he's hurting",

which we all know is Southern for
"I hope that shitbag sits on a nail".

And in a House hearing,
Kentucky rep James Comer

got into an argument
with Florida rep Jared Moskowitz,

in the course of which Comer
dropped a weirdly specific insult.

You look like a Smurf here,
just going around and all this stuff.

Mr. Chairman, you have…
Hold on, we're not on time…

You continue
to spew disinformation.

You might think that it's uncalled
for an elected representative

to call a fellow congressman
a Smurf.

But in Comer's defense, this is how
Moskowitz was dressed that day.

I hate to say he was asking for it,
but he was kind of asking for it.

You wear that outfit only if
you want to be called a Smurf,

or maybe you're the special guest
at a J.Crew-sponsored gender reveal,

but those are the only options.

Moskowitz hit back by posting
"Gargamel was very angry today",

which, I'll be honest,
is exactly what a Smurf would say.

CNN's analysis of the back-and-forth
contained the amazing sentence

"For the many nonafficionados
of the animated series,

Gargamel was an evil wizard
who hunted Smurfs for fun",

which I'm sorry, CNN,
is an insultingly

reductive misinterpretation
of Gargamel's motivations.

For the record,
Gargamel doesn't hunt smurfs,

he kidnaps them in order to eat them
or turn them into gold.

It's not for fun. It is to seek revenge
after the Smurfs not only defeated him

but subjected him to cruel humiliation
in 1961's "The Smurfnapper,"

or "Le Voleur de Schtroumpf,"
in which the Surfs tricked him

into drinking a potion that shrank him
down to the size of a Smurf.

And CNN's
exclusion of that backstory

is frankly why Americans
no longer trust the news media.

All in all, it was a week that showed
a legislative body on its last nerve.

As a spokesperson
for Mitch McConnell put it

"Today is another example
of why Congress

shouldn't be in session for 5 weeks
straight. Weird things happen."

To which I'd say "Totally!"

But also, did you know
that most people, and this is true,

work 10 times
that many weeks in a row

and manage not to physically or
emotionally as*ault their colleagues?

And so much of this
is entirely self-inflicted,

given that House Republicans
spent weeks

tearing each other apart
over the choice of House speaker.

This session raises the question of
whether Republicans can govern at all.

And it's not just me saying that.
Here's Texas Republican Chip Roy.

One thing!

I want my Republican colleagues
to give me one thing, one,

that I can go campaign on
and say we did.

One!

Anybody sitting in the complex,

if you want to come down to the floor
and come explain to me,

one material,
meaningful, significant thing

the Republican majority
has done besides

"I guess it's not as bad
as the Democrats".

He's right.
In fact, he's so right,

I'm not even going to comment
on how "Chip Roy"

sounds like an ice cream sandwich
they'd sell at French Burger King.

Because instead of spending
the last year actually serving people,

Republicans wasted a huge amount
of time bickering amongst themselves

and basically running around
with their dicks in their hands.

Dicks that, we sadly now know, at least
one senator is in no way afraid to bite.

And now, this!

And Now:

You'll Never Guess Where
Fox's Pete Hegseth Went to College.

Joe Biden attempted to say we're going
to cancel $10,000 in student loans.

My alma mater, Princeton,
they didn't do this when I was there.

An elite education
would be Princeton, where I went.

I actually think it was 33,000
when I first went to Princeton.

The most important thing about me
is that I went to Princeton.

The history department at Princeton
University, where I went to school.

A professor of mine at Princeton.
Andrew, you and I went to Princeton.

I went to Princeton.
I ended up going to Princeton.

I wanted to make sure
you all know I went to Princeton.

- Did you play basketball?
- I did.

- At Princeton!
- He went to Princeton, guys.

Pete went to Princeton.

You can count the legs.
But maybe I'm missing something.

- I don't know.
- That's why he went to Princeton.

I thought I was going to be an NBA
player, so I wanted to go to Princeton.

I went and I sat on the bench
for four years.

"Coach, why don't I play more?"
He said "Why don't you get better?"

I played at Princeton.
I'm a Minnesota Gophers fan.

- He played at Princeton.
- I sat on the bench.

I talked
to a basketball coach yesterday.

I'm going to have more
about this next week

who said that he coached against
you when you were at Princeton,

and you were not
in the scouting report.

Our own Pete Hegseth, who did play
basketball at Princeton, by the way.

On the bench!

Moving on.

Our main story tonight
concerns shopping:

an easy and enjoyable way to forget
that you, and everyone you know,

will one day die.

It concerns one of the most ubiquitous
places to go shopping in this country,

dollar stores, the discount outlets

where you can get a variety of goods
at sometimes a dollar or less,

and that position themselves
with upbeat materials like this.

Whether you're making a quick fill-in
stop or stocking up for the week,

Dollar General helps you
save on the things you need

and the unexpected items
that make shopping fun.

Something new for the house,
a greeting card,

or a surprise
for someone special.

Ultimately, we love helping
our customers save time and money.

It's what drives us.

That's why more than 125.000 people
have joined our team,

and we're growing every day.

They really captured a wide array
of definitely human people in that ad.

They've got an old lady, a nurse,

a man who absolutely
does not have kids, Molly Ringwald,

and some idiot about to buy
a bouquet of half inflated balloons.

Today, two companies dominate
this particular retail landscape:

Dollar General and Dollar Tree,
which also owns Family Dollar.

These two corporations operate more
than 35.000 dollar stores in the U.S.,

more than all Walmart, Starbucks,
and McDonald's combined.

And they have earnings to match.

Last year, Dollar General
made 2.4 billion in profit,

while Dollar Tree made 1.6 billion.

And their growth has been fueled
by targeting low-income customers,

singling out communities that have
been marginalized economically,

often rural areas
and neighborhoods of color.

A former Dollar General CEO
once described their customer base

as being "in a permanent recession",

and their current CEO
summed up the business like this.

I would tell you we do very good
in good times,

and we do fabulous
in bad times.

It's a store that tends to do better
when its customers are doing worse.

Which isn't something that really
requires use of the word "fabulous".

"Fabulous" is best used
to describe a quirky hat,

or the cast
of "The Golden Bachelor",

or the fact that Kim Cattrall
made a million dollars

to sit in a car
and not talk to Sarah Jessica Parker.

But a company bragging about how
it can profit off financial hardship?

Not so much.

You might've heard stories

about how dollar stores impact
the communities that they are in,

where they can be
the only food retailer around.

In some cases, that may be
because they've driven others out.

In others, it could be because they've
entered a market that's a food desert.

But either way,
customers often turn to these stores

for their convenience
and low prices,

although those prices
can be a bit misleading,

as this clip
from a few years ago demonstrates.

At Dollar Tree, a two-pack
of Irish Spring soap costs a dollar.

At Target,
an eight-pack costs 3.99.

But if you look very closely, the bars
sold at Dollar Tree, they're smaller.

If you do the math,
Irish Spring by the ounce

is actually more expensive
at Dollar Tree.

Despite the promise of value,
you can end up getting less for more.

I will say in the case of Irish Spring,
that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I don't want more of something
that smells like a citrus bergamot fart

and leaves
these moneymakers ashy as hell.

But if all you can afford for soap
is a dollar right now,

a dollar store will sell it to you.

We're not gonna focus on the location
or pricing of dollar stores tonight.

We're going to focus
on how they are run.

If you've ever set foot in one you know
they can look like a total disaster.

I really don't know where everybody
else is getting their Dollar Trees,

'cause every single one I've ever
walked into has looked like this.

Yes, shopping at the DG.

I need staples and they're
about 20 feet down that way.

My God, why does
my Dollar Tree look like caca?

Look at this Dollar Tree.
What the f*ck?

Yeah, "what the f*ck" is right.
Those look less like functioning stores

and more like "American Ninja
Warrior: Retail Edition".

They look like someone
picked up a dollar store, shook it,

and dumped it out
into another dollar store.

And a quick shout out
to the automated TikTok voice there

trying to say the word "caca".

She's doing her absolute best,
that is all that we can ask of her

that, and maybe
to say naughty things like…

- Penis.
- Or…

- vag*na.
- Or…

Charles Manson was low-key hot

in a character actor
Griffin Dunne kind of way.

Exactly.

To an extent that you may not realize,
that chaos isn't a one-off mistake,

or the fault of those stores' employees

it is the natural end product of how
the companies behind these stores

choose to operate them.

And if you think it can be
bad shopping at a dollar store,

it is nothing compared
to what it's like working there.

It's been said
that working at Dollar General

may be the worst retail job
in America.

If these stores are this ubiquitous,
make this much money,

and are this terrible to work for,

as we get ready for Black Friday,
let's talk about dollar stores.

Let's start with the fact that one of the
key ways that they squeeze margins

isn't on tiny soaps,
it's on labor costs.

They often have two employees,

or sometimes even just one,
manning the entire store.

Watch as this Dollar Tree customer
discovers in real time

that there is only one person
working there.

- Only worker here.
- Only worker.

Doing this with no shelves,
no nothing, look at this.

She's the only worker here.

Everything, guys.

These people don't even work here
and they're helping her.

Look at this. Walls of boxes.

All by herself.

Yeah, of course,
the stores are gonna look like that

when there's only one person there
to do everything.

It's so bad, random dudes
are pitching in to help her for free.

Imagine how monumentally shitty
a store would have to be

for you, a customer, to walk in
and say "f*ck, they need me".

It reminds me
of that famous Mr. Rogers quote

"When you walk into a dollar store that
looks like Chernobyl after the blast,

look for the helpers, you will always
find people who are helping".

And incidentally,
the people employed by dollar stores

are not making much
more than those volunteer helpers.

Just watch as a former
Dollar General worker

points out the disparity
between what the top execs make,

and what the rank-and-file do.

Y'all out there riding
in damn expensive cars.

Y'all can go out,
eat crabs and steak

and filet mignon
and escargot and all this sh*t.

Meanwhile, y'all workers
are eating ramen noodles.

Come on now.
Y'all making millions.

Think about it.
I want everybody to think about it.

Let me know
when did a Dollar General worker

make more than 20.000
in a whole year?

Don't worry, I'll wait.

Excellent!
I've never heard a harsher insult

than simply listing out foods
you assume someone else eats:

"Crabs, steak, filet mignon,
escargot, and all this sh*t".

She's describing a cartoon
rich person and it's devastating.

I have no doubt that she would
take one look at me and go

"Mushy peas, figgy pudding,
and all that milk".

And I'd be wrecked.

And the thing is, she's right
about the numbers there,

the median compensated employee
for Dollar General

makes around $18,000 a year.

And a report two years ago found
that 92% of Dollar General's staff

was making less than $15 an hour.

That is a higher percentage than
every other company they surveyed.

On top of that,
lawsuits and press reports

have repeatedly
documented Dollar General

severely restricting the total hours it
allocates in a week to non-managers,

and then expecting store managers,
who are salaried,

to cover the rest without overtime.

And without enough people
to do everything,

from running the register,
to receiving truck deliveries,

to stocking the shelves,
to keeping prices updated,

and cleaning the bathrooms,
things can quickly fall apart.

Watch as this assistant manager

sends up what is basically
an S.O.S. to the company.

Okay, this is a video for help

to anyone inside this company
that actually cares.

We are overloaded with freight,

and we don't have enough hours
in the week

or people in the week
to put them away.

We are completely overwhelmed.
The back room is like this.

I can't even get to the cooler,
and I've got a milk delivery outside.

So, hopefully,
it all goes out on the sales floor.

I don't f*cking know.

Again, this video is for anybody
in the company that cares.

This is Travis Bennett,

the assistant manager
at store 1-1-3-2-0.

It is not good if your employees

are making TikToks
that look like hostage videos.

Because that is not
what TikTok is for.

It's for finding out which anime
character strangers would pork,

and seeing what you'd look like
positively snatched.

But the problem with addressing that
to "anybody in the company that cares"

is that it sure seems like these
companies do not care at all.

It is hard to overstate
the indifference these chains

can show to their employees'
working conditions.

Not just in their stores, but in some
of their distribution centers, too.

You may remember
us showing you video

of rats inside the Family Dollar store
in White Haven

and the company's distribution center
in West Memphis, Arkansas.

Take another look.

Federal inspectors say they have found
more than a thousand rodents

inside the same
distribution center.

My goodness!

Set aside the thousand rodents,
which, I know, is already a big ask,

I just want to take a second
to acknowledge this little diva.

Look at her, not giving two shits
about being fed a Pringle.

Other rats would pounce at the sight
of that chip, but not her.

She's giving it a blank look that says
"Honey, not even at my lowest".

She has got standards,
she has got taste,

she is "Ratatouille 2:
Absolute Food Bitch".

But that FDA inspection

not only found that more
than a thousand dead rodents

had been recovered at that
distribution center last year,

but also that the company's
own records

showed that it collected more
than 2,300 rodents there

the spring and summer before,
demonstrating, and I quote

"a history of infestation".

But at that point,

it's less an infestation and more
a flourishing community of rats.

Establishing an internal order.
Building out their environment.

Probably exploring the arts.

This was both a massive problem
for Family Dollar

and a genuinely inspiring story
of rodent fortitude.

The company wants you to know

that they've since shut down
that distribution center

and are thoroughly remodeling it.

But that's just one example in a
horrifying pattern for dollar stores.

Dollar General also has had
to temporarily close multiple stores

and a distribution
center for rat infestations,

and at one store in Oklahoma,
birds nested in the ceiling

and, I am so serious, started
sh1tting all over the merchandise.

Not just that, when the staff
told higher-ups in the company,

they say that they were ordered,
not to throw the soiled products out,

but to clean them, in some cases
by bringing them home to wash,

and then return them
to the shelves.

And when that store's manager
asked for help in removing the nests,

he says he got the sense
he was being ignored

because "the birds
weren't stealing anything".

And look, there are plenty of reasons
to kick anyone or anything

out of a store even if they
aren't stealing anything

and number one on that list
is they're pooping everywhere!

I don't care if it's a bird
or a toddler.

The second sh*t is part
of the equation, they got to go!

Legally, I do have to tell you,

Dollar General
was asked about that bird story,

and its response
was that it takes "prompt action"

when stores make maintenance
or repair requests.

Which, as statements go, sounds to me
a little bit like… what's the word?

- Caca.
- That's right. Thank you very much.

And if you're thinking
"Okay, I'm convinced,

these stores sound
like a terrible place to work",

I'm not nearly done yet.

Some Dollar General employees
have said they are unable

to control the thermostats at stores,

and others say they don't have
functioning heat and cooling systems.

The heat would
cause all the candy to melt.

And I don't know
if it was negatory on the medications,

but I mean I know
they gotta be climate controlled.

My assistant manager was sitting in
there with ice packs down her pants

and her shirt and a towel 'cause
we were just dripping in sweat.

That's not great!

An ice pack down the pants is not
how you imagine a day at work going.

It is, however,
how I imagine these two freaks f*ck.

And when you take all this together,
the heat, the understaffing,

the boxes everywhere meaning
that you can't move around properly,

it is pretty clear these places
aren't just unpleasant, they're unsafe.

Dollar General is on OSHA's
severe violators list,

racking up more than $25 million
in proposed fines since 2017

for alleged violations
spanning dozens of states.

And as for Dollar Tree,
in that same timeframe,

OSHA's identified
more than 400 violations in its stores,

imposing more than $13 million
in fines.

I have to say,

Dollar Tree recently entered
a settlement with OSHA

and claims that it's "implementing
substantial safety policies,

procedures, and training to safeguard
the wellbeing of our associates".

Although you should know, they
had a similar settlement back in 2015

and made similar promises back then,

so at best,
they are a slow learner here.

And there is one last indignity
for dollar store employees,

and that is the thr*at of v*olence.

Dollar stores have become
magnets for crime and k*lling,

with employees at Dollar General
saying they've been "stabbed,

sh*t, held at gunpoint, punched,
and p*stol-whipped on the job".

And when a robbery does happen,

the response from corporate
can be less than compassionate.

Remember that worker

talking about how the bosses
were eating filet mignon?

Here she is talking
about the day her store was robbed.

I was robbed at the same Dollar General
where I currently worked.

I picked up my phone
and called 9-1-1.

I locked the door,

I secured the customers,
I followed protocol.

Called our manager,
she showed up.

I called our district manager
like two to three times.

She didn't answer.

But when my manager called,
she answered.

The first question was
"Is everybody okay?"

The second thing she said

"What are we gonna do
about reopening the store?"

We haven't even been robbed
even doggone 10 to 15 minutes

and you're already talking
about opening up the store?

That is ridiculous.

An armed robbery is a traumatic event
people need time to recover from.

It's not something you can just ignore,
like a spam call,

or a broken lightbulb,
or any show on Apple TV.

Did you know Octavia Spencer
starred as a true crime podcaster

on a show called "Truth Be Told"
for three seasons?

Of course, you didn't! It's Apple TV,
where celebrities go to hide.

While researching this piece,
dollar store workers

repeatedly told us
how they feared for their safety.

And while these companies say that
they take security concerns seriously,

experts have said that the level
of v*olence may be down

to how these stores are set up
and organized.

Having so few people working there,
with no security guard present,

makes them an incredibly
enticing target.

In Texas, a Dollar General employee
who had a coworker die in her arms

claimed in a lawsuit that her store had
"no lights at the back of the building"

and "cash registers
that didn't have panic buttons",

and that "the sign announcing
a remotely monitored security system

was a sham".

At that point they might as well have just
put up one of those inflatable floppy men

holding a "Plunder me, babe!" sign.

At almost every turn, dollar
stores seem to treat their workers

with either stunning
indifference or outright contempt.

And some are getting so fed up,
they are walking out,

leading to stories like this.

We saw dozens of people trying to go
inside Family Dollar this afternoon,

only to find the doors locked
and no one inside.

Garfield resident Dodi Byrne went to
Family Dollar on Ted Avenue yesterday

only to find this sign reading
"Staff quit, y'all be easy".

Yeah, and that is not
at all uncommon.

At another Family Dollar
in Nebraska,

staff left this sign on the door
"We quit! Sorry for the inconvenience"

And at a Dollar General in Maine,
workers left a series of signs reading

"Closed indefinitely because Dollar
General doesn't pay a living wage

or treat their employees with respect"

and "Capitalism
will destroy this country.

If you don't pay people
enough to live their lives,

why should they sl*ve away
for you?"

All of which is punctuated perfectly
by the excited, "Now hiring!" sign,

which really has its work
cut out for it.

And while those workers
are justifiably walking out,

others are choosing to fight back.

Over the past few years
groups like Step Up Louisiana

and the Union of Southern
Service Workers

have staged strikes and protests
against Dollar General.

But the company has pushed back hard,
in all the usual union-busting ways.

In Connecticut,
when workers tried to organize,

Dollar General violated federal
law by "f*ring a pro-union worker,

illegally surveilling
and interrogating employees,

and threatening
to close the store."

They also make all new employees
watch a video

where they sh*t-talk
the very idea of joining a union,

which one worker filmed,
and posted online.

We don't believe that our employees
need a third party or union

to come between us and them.

Our employees don't need a union

to have their voices heard
here at Dollar General.

I'm sorry, your employees
are able to get their voices heard?

Are you sure about that?

'Cause it seems like the guy pleading
for aid from TikTok strangers

might really beg to differ on that point.

So, what is there to do?

Since 2019, at least 75 communities,
many of them lower income,

have actually blocked proposals
to build new dollar stores.

But the truth is, most of these stores
are unlikely to go anywhere.

Remember, in many areas,
they're the only retailer around.

So, much more attention
needs to be paid

to what workers have been
saying and for years now.

Dollar store workers
at Step Up Louisiana

have developed a list of what they
are asking for from these companies,

from things
like having safe staffing levels,

to creating
safe store infrastructure,

to giving workers
a right to heal after violent incidents.

None of which
is really asking much.

And until such time as these companies
actually do these things,

they should, at the very least,
have to be much more transparent

when it comes to retail and workplace
experience that they're providing.

Hi there.
Here at Dollar Bucket,

whether you're making
a quick fill-in stop

or stocking up for the week,

we've got everything you need,
like this roll of toilet paper,

or an adorable bar of Irish Spring.

Dollar Bucket helps you
save on the things you need,

but also on the special treats
that make life a little more, well, fun.

Like this flaccid balloon,
or this bag of Skittle.

- You mean Skittles?
- Nope.

At Dollar Bucket,
whatever you need, we've got it!

Somewhere.

And always at the right price.

Towels? A dollar.
Batteries? A dollar.

This rat? A dollar!

Gatorade Frost Arctic Blitz?
A dollar!

This other rat? A dollar!

That last rat was pregnant,
so that's a twofer.

We love helping our customers
save time and money.

That's why over 125,000 people
have joined our team,

and we're growing every day.

I don't work here.

I'm trying to get the milk refrigerated
before it goes bad.

This place is f*cked.

You better hurry.
We've got another shipment coming in.

Dollar Bucket's a proud provider
of jobs in our communities.

Take Brenda here.
She's our longest-serving employee.

Hey, Brenda.
How long have you been with us?

I've been here for three weeks.
Okay? And it's a nightmare.

And I've got ice packs in places
only God and my husband should see.

I've been sh1tting in an adult diaper,
because I can't go to the bathroom.

We've been robbed three times
since lunch, and we still open!

If we closed every time we got robbed,
the store would never be open,

and you would not have a job,
young lady.

I've been here so long,
I don't know what day it is.

keep hearing voices screaming,
"Brenda, can you help me?"

- Brenda! Please! Brenda?
- Is that the voice?

This is a video for help, to anyone
inside this company that cares.

I can't leave the stockroom.
There are too many boxes in the way.

And also,
the birds won't let me leave.

God, Brenda. Oh god.

- Is he okay?
- What's happening to Travis?

Doesn't matter.

What you don't understand
is that your lives are insignificant.

Your pain is our fuel.
The more you suffer, the better we do.

This company
was built on pain, sweat, tears,

and the tiniest
little bars of doll soap

you've ever seen
in your worthless g*dd*mn lives.

Number one, go f*ck yourself.

I know it ain't happened in a long time
because that suit is tight.

- It happened.
- It did? When?

- This morning, Brenda!
- Really?

And you're gonna have to pay
a dollar for that!

I'll pay nothing! 'Cause I quit.
Can you read that?

- I can, it says, "I quit".
- I quit. Buh-bye, bitch.

- Buh-bye bitch!
- Buh-bye!

Good-bye!

You want a job?
We can pay you in rat babies.

How many?

Dollar Bucket: Giving everyone less,
while we get more.

Moving on. Finally tonight,

a quick update on New Zealand,
my absolute favorite Zealand.

As you know, two weeks ago,

we entered their Bird of the Century
competition on behalf of the Puteketeke

a weird-looking bird with bad hair
and a nervous stomach,

truly, a relatable king.

It also carries its babies on its back,
like it's a pool inflatable.

This is an incredible bird.

And we campaigned for it
by, among other things,

flying a banner ad
over the beaches of Ipanema,

and erecting billboards in Mumbai,
Tokyo, and Paris, France,

as well as the Paris of America,
Manitowoc, Wisconsin.

This week,
the results finally came in.

Forest & Bird
is proud to announce

that New Zealand's
Bird of the Century isŧ

the Puteketeke!

John Oliver will be thrilled.

Yes, I am thrilled about it!
Even if you guys clearly aren't!

And I'm also a little bit relieved.

Because we have a pretty horrendous
record when it comes to contests.

We entered
a duck stamp competition

with a bunch of paintings that either
got disqualified or got zero votes.

And we entered a contest to predict
when this giant wooden tripod

would break through the ice of a frozen
Alaskan river and we were wildly off.

So we really needed this win.

And just to be clear,
we didn't just win this by a little.

We won it by a lot.

The billboard in Mumbai,
the plane in Brazil,

and this costume all paid off.

And it wasn't even close.

This shows the amount of voters
the runners-up got

from the Fantail and 7,800

to the second-placed Kiwi
at just 13,000.

But the Puteketeke soared to victory
with more than 290,000 votes.

Yes, it's true, 290,000 votes!

For context, the Puteketeke got over
three times as many votes by itself

as all the other top


When you talk about historic,
all-time levels of dominance,

the conversation now begins
and ends with Michael Jordan,

Lionel Messi, Serena Williams,
and the Puteketeke.

Those are now the GOATs.
The best to ever do it.

No one else even comes close.

Apparently, verified votes
were cast in 195 countries,

that is two more than the current
membership of the United Nations.

I will say, there was some voter
fraud that was thankfully caught,

including 40,000 votes cast by a single
person for the Rockhopper Penguin.

And come on.
This Rockhopper Penguin?

You committed bird election fraud

for the only penguin in the animal
kingdom with frosted tips?

I could see doing it
for the Royal Spoonbill,

that's a quality bird,
but not one of these altpunk assholes.

Also, apparently,


giving the name John Oliver,
all for the Puteketeke, except one,

which was for the New Zealand Fairy
Tern, a bird that looks like this.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I think he's pulling it off.

Everything about the way New Zealand
handled this contest was perfect.

Other birds conceded this week
in a variety of delightful ways.

The team behind the Takahe
posted this "Anchorman" meme

of their bird saying
"Well, that was unexpected".

Which isn't quite right.

The line from the movie is
"Boy, that escalated quickly".

And frankly, it's that kind
of lack of attention to detail

that might explain why the Takahe
lost this contest so badly.

Meanwhile, campaigners
for the Kaki posted this video

of their birds
surrounding a picture of me,

and then pecking at it
on the ground.

But my favorite response
came from the New Zealand Breakers,

a professional basketball team,

whose mascot was campaigning
for the Kea Parrot.

They delivered a concession speech
on Wednesday

that really met
the gravity of the moment.

I'd like to just read a statement
if I could from Cheeky the Kea.

He's not able to speak today.

Over the last week,

I have been spearheading
an election campaign

for Kea as Bird of the Century.

This morning, it has been necessary
to concede this election

and whilst it's not the result
the Kea community wanted,

it is now important
that we all get behind the Puteketeke.

That is magnificent.

From the fact that someone had to
set up the step-and-repeat backdrop

and invite journalists to this
very important press conference,

to the line
"He's not able to speak today",

as if the Kea
is normally a real chatterbox

but is too broken
to comment right now,

to the reverent tone
the she's employing there,

as if she's genuinely worried there's
a chance of rioting in the streets

over this result unless
she can calm everyone down.

Now, this contest is overseen
by the conservation organization

Forest & Bird to raise awareness
of New Zealand's magnificent wildlife,

and raise money to protect it.

I'm happy to say

they got hundreds of thousands
of dollars in donations this year.

If you want to keep supporting them,
you can give to them directly,

or there's another option,
because they've been partnering

with a company to produce metal
sculptures of the winning bird,

with a portion of the proceeds
going to their conservation efforts.

Here is last year's sculpture
of the triumphant Rock Wren.

Would you like to see the sculpture
they've made for this year's winner?

'Cause here it is!
A magnificent Puteketeke,

with, as you can see, me riding
on its back like one of its babies.

And, as the website points out
with a helpful animation,

the John Oliver part can be removed
if you so choose.

Which is magnificent.
Would that we all had that option.

If you want one,
with or without me on it,

you can order a sculpture
at this website right here.

We actually have one for each
member of our studio audience tonight.

That is right!

You get a bird statue
with a removable John Oliver option!

You get a bird statue
with a removable John Oliver option!

Everybody gets a bird statue
with a removable John Oliver option!

This has been tremendous fun.

And there is really only one more thing
for us to do right now.

Because we've seen
a gracious concession speech,

and that is important
in a democracy.

But now it's time for a victory
speech from the worthy winner.

So please, won't you join me?

BIRD OF THE CENTURY

Ladies and gentlemen,

on behalf of myself and New
Zealand's new Bird of the Century,

I want to thank
everyone who voted.

When we first decided to campaign
for the Puteketeke,

having randomly stumbled across it
after googling

"New Zealand bird weird"

we never could have anticipated
the outpouring of support.

So, tonight isn't just
the Puteketeke's victory,

it's your victory,
as this election represents

the collective wishes of good,
birdloving people from 195 countries.

I'd like to thank our worthy opponents
who graciously conceded.

The Kiwi. The Takahe. The Kea.

And yes,
even the Rockhopper Penguin.

Thank you, birds, for your generosity,
but also know that you will die

in the century
that wears the Puteketeke's name.

And finally, I'd like
to thank the Puteketeke itself.

Poot, my old friend,
none of this would have been possible

without your Sid Viciousesque
hairstyle,

your feather-bone puking,
or just how weird you are at sex.

You are a deeply odd bird,
and at the end of the day,

I think that's
what people responded to.

That, and just how fun
it is to say your name.

So, let me say this loud and proud
once more: Puteketeke today.

Puteketeke tomorrow.
Puteketeke for the next 100 years.

We did it! We did it!

That is our show,
thank you so much for watching,

we're off next week,
back December 3rd, good night!

Puteketeke!

God, look at us!
Aren't we a pair?