01x06 - Maxine Takes a Step

[bunniefuu]

[MACHINE WHOOSHES, BEEPS]

[MAXINE] Let's get these
thrusters activated

so we can launch out into
space and do our mission!

Roger. I have reset the
tracker, the SI fuel,

S-IVB octave levels are high,

and the GDC trans control
powers are all set.

- [SWITCHES CLICKING]
- We are ready to set up

the SP thrust directors on
the booster logic dump!

Go ahead and get those boosters running.

Stop touching those things.
Do you know what you're doing?

No, you don't. So stop touching them.

[OPERATOR] Ground control to
Apollo 12. You are go for launch.

- [LAUGHS]
- Is it too late to change partners?

- [OPERATOR] T-minus ten, nine...
- Counting down.

- [OPERATOR] ... eight... Main engine start.
- Oh.

[ENGINE RUMBLES, WHOOSHES]

- [MAXINE SHRIEKS]
- Oh!

Oh!

One small step, pal!

[ENGINE RUMBLING LOUDLY]

[RUMBLING SLOWS]

Wowee.

Just like I imagined it.

Endless horizon full of possibilities.

- I think I'm gonna vomit.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

[OPERATOR] Apollo 12,
prepare for reentry.

Roger that, controller man! [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, please, God, no more!
- [RUMBLING RESUMES]

- I have some news.
- Spare me the suspense.

The g*n, it's gone.

What do you mean "gone"?

I threw it into the ocean!
And the Rolodex!

You found Norma's Rolodex?

Well, little did I know, it ended up
in the hands of the pool boy.

Then Linda found it, stole it
and then destroyed it!

[STAMMERS] Anyway,
it doesn't matter, it's amazing!

You're... You're free, Evelyn.
Everyone's free!

- Oh, God. [BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [RUMBLING SLOWS]

- [SHUTTLE HISSING]
- [HATCH OPENS]

How was it, ladies?

So good, I nearly tinkled. [CHUCKLES]

You dumb f*cking dum-dum.

- What?
- I told you to keep that g*n

in the safety-deposit box.

You have really gone and f*cked me.

- [MAXINE] What?
- And if what you said is true,

Linda's f*cked the Beach Ball.

You think I was after that Rolodex
for the g*dd*mn addresses?

- God, f*ck it!
- [SIGHS]

Get me out of here!

Reach for my hand!

- Oh, yes, yes. All right. Okay.
- Give me your hand! Pull! Harder!

- Uh, your... your nails, your nails...
- Pull! Pull harder!

- Very thin wrists. I'm sorry...
- Pull! Pull it! [SHRIEKS]

[MAXINE] My head was spinning.

Certain I would be celebrated for
freeing everyone from the Rolodex.

My boosters had fired,

but somehow I was
still on the launchpad!

Did we lose Evelyn?

Oh, uh, I think the, uh, space simulator
made her a smidge queasy.

Ladies, welcome to NASA.

Over here, we have an exact replica

of the suit Mr. Neil Armstrong wore

when he walked on the moon.

Where's the original?

He took it home.

Right this way.

Ladies, I... I wanted to ask you
a question about the Beach Ball.

[CHUCKLES]

Um, we all know our dear Norma

is known for safeguarding
the secrets of the town,

with the requisite expectation

that her silence be rewarded
by gala attendance.

- Uh-huh.
- Go on.

What if I was a different
kind of socialite?

What if, from here until all
the tomorrows to come,

the Beach Ball was just the most
important, grand ball of the season?

No threats attached.
Completely consensual.

Then why would we come?

Maybe if you had a real
somebody in attendance.

A marquee guest.

But no one would come
just for you, Maxine.

And now, the apex of our tour.

I present to you

- the finest America has to offer!
- [RAQUEL] Oh.

Yes, these are actual
astronauts in quarantine

- before their mission next week.
- [ASTRONAUTS] ... three, four.

- One, two, three...
- Oh.

... keep going... four.

Oh, now, if you could get one of
them, I would come immediately.

- I mean attend.
- [RAQUEL HUMS]

I said, "31 floors? Hell, Perry,
let's make it 32 floors."

And he said, "Let's make it 33 floors!"

- And then I said, "Let's go to 34 floors!"
- [SIGHS]

Thirty-four floors! Ha!

Am I not enough?

[STAMMERING] For the condos?

The Beach Ball. If it's just me.
For people to come.

Are you even listening to me?

This is a big deal.

We even scored Pinky Kimberley-Marco.

Raquel's mobster husband?

Pinky is the best contractor
in Palm Beach.

Perry even got him to agree
to cut us in for cost.

Linda said Perry's hinky.

Come again?

She might have even used
the word "radioactive".

Max, Perry may be spirited,

but it's that same go-get-'em
nature that landed us royalty.

Royalty?

The investor that we met with in DC

is the one and only
Prince of Luxembourg.

Wow. Perry really does run
with the horses. Hmm.

That's what we're hashing
out tonight over dinner.

Guess what? The new... get this...

West Palm Beach Prince of
Luxembourg Luxury Towers.

- [GASPS]
- Perry's confident,

with the imprimatur of a prince,
people will go anywhere,

even West Palm Beach.

Anywhere...

Douglas, I think you just saved
the Beach Ball. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, have I now?

Oh, yes, you did.

Those ladies would go to
a Tijuana donkey show

if it meant meeting a real prince.

[GASPS] I'll... [STAMMERS]
When we're at dinner,

- I'll invite him myself...
- [DOUGLAS SIGHS]

... to be my marquee guest.

[GASPS]

Douglas?

[STAMMERS] Here's the thing about that.

This is what you'd call a carefully
choreographed song and dance

set to a finely calibrated
orchestration, Maxine.

Douglas?

- It's a boys' dinner.
- No.

It's... It's not personal, Max.
I-It's business. You understand.

[GRUNTS]

You told him!

You told my husband
about the other night,

and now he's upset with me.

And I'm not enough. And he's having
dinner with a prince without me.

And now I don't have a chance
to invite him to the party!

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

What happened the other night?

Maybe, out of insecurity
and too many Grasshoppers,

maybe someone made a silly mistake
with someone who drove me home.

Maybe that sort of thing happens
to someone all the time?

So it wasn't a big deal.

[SCOFFS]

Well, maybe someone could
be a little more modest.

And maybe someone isn't
used to being rejected,

even if someone didn't mean it.

[GROANS]

- Mmm. There you go, there you go.
- [GRUNTS]

I didn't tell your husband a thing

because there's nothing to tell, Maxine.

You didn't?

I didn't.

Hi, Norma!

I'll let you two eat your applesauce.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [STORE BELL JINGLES]

We did it, ladies!

"Investigations show that real
estate scion Perry Donahue

frequently paid off inspectors
during the construction

of the Emerald Isle
condominium complex."

[LAUGHING, CHEERING]

[LAUGHS] My friend at the Miami
Herald sent me an advance copy.

First we expose Perry, then Agnew,

and then Nixon! [LAUGHS]

The first domino of the
patriarchy is about to fall.

Already feels safer for this little one.

[STORE BELL JINGLES]

Oh, I'm sorry, we don't sell
The Shiny Sheet here.

What did you do with the Rolodex,
you spoiled little sh*t?

What Rolodex is that?

The f*cking Rolodex that
controls this entire town.

What did you do with it?

- Linda?
- Mm-hmm?

Did you do something with it?

We better have this
conversation in private.

Lead on, Linda.

- [GROUP MEMBERS GASP]
- Oh! Oh! What?

You b*rned it?

Can you keep your voice down?

I will keep my voice at present
volume as long as I please!

Please and thank you!

- Oh, my God!
- I did the world a favor.

Don't you get righteous with me,
you murderous twat.

That is so offensive on so many levels.

You two nitwits deserve each other.

- What did Maxine do?
- Oh, she didn't tell you?

Tale as old as time.

She found the g*n you
sh*t your father with

and threw it into the sea.

- What? [CHUCKLES]
- Wipe that smirk off your face.

Wow. Well, you've already
showed your hand, Evelyn,

by showing your face in West Palm Beach.

Oh, eat a dirty sock, Linda.

- This is not over. Far from it.
- [SCOFFS]

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go tell my father on you.

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]

For the record, I was never
in West Palm Beach.

- [CHATTERING]
- [SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Excuse me. Um, my husband, Douglas,

is here dining with a Mr. Donahue

and the Prince of Luxembourg.

[DINAH] Tell the story.

- Oh, you know what, I... I think I see 'em.
- [DOUGLAS LAUGHS]

- [LAUGHS]
- No... Okay.

Excuse me,

- I just need to powder my nose.
- [PERRY] Yes, of course.

Maxine!

- Bathroom. Now. Now. Now.
- [STAMMERS]

[DOUGLAS] Yeah, that's the thing...

Don't tell me you came
here innocently dressed

in the national colors
of Luxembourg, Maxine.

[SCOFFS]

- [SIGHS]
- For your information,

Douglas forgot his plans,
and I came to drop them off.

And now that I'm here, I happen to see

this wasn't actually a
boys' dinner after all.

[STAMMERS] The prince
wasn't about to go stag.

Well, what about you?

Someone has to keep Perry sober
while they close this thing.

[SIGHS]

Dinah?

Perry knows, Maxine!

[CRIES] About my affair with Eddie.

- Oh, no.
- The little pied-à-terre I bought him.

Everything. And I am furious!

You're furious?

He says it frees him up
to do what he wants.

All of a sudden, he's a bohème.

I already know he's seeing other women.

I think it might be my manicurist.

Why do you think that?

She kinda told me.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Tonight, I am the dutiful wife
until they close this deal.

That means there'll be
loads of cash in the bank

if Perry and I had to divorce.

You're not gonna get divorced.

Don't say divorce.
Please don't say divorce.

You can't just jump
right to divorce, Dinah.

- You're not getting divorced.
- Maxine, what is wrong with you?

[STAMMERS] No one's getting divorced.

What is wrong with you, Maxine?

Remember the other night,

when you suggested that maybe
I find a little side dish of my own?

Yes?

Uh, well, when you and I were
drinking and driving on the green,

I sort of let my guard down,
thanks to the devil of high spirits.

And, well... [SUCKS TEETH]

... I may have carried out that advice.

- Um...
- Who?

[SIGHS] The pool boy.

Oh, no. Oh, Douglas knows.

I can feel it. He senses something!

That's why he didn't invite
me to dinner! [SIGHS]

Oh, Dinah, what have I done?
I don't want to get divorced.

[GASPS, LAUGHING]

[STAMMERS]

[SIGHS] Why are you laughing?

I'm sorry. We've all tried with Robert.

Lucky Norma. He's a one-woman man.

Personally, I think it's
even simpler than that.

[WHISPERS] He's a "momo."

What's a momo?

He's a fruit, Maxine. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Go home. Think about your choices.

Fruit.

["SPOOKY" PLAYING]

[STORE BELL JINGLES]

[CLERK] Find everything you needed?

Great. [SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GRAYMAN] Quite the healthy appetite.

For reading, of course.

Did you find what you were looking for?

I hope you saved a little
something for the rest of us.

Hmm.

[CUSTOMER WHISTLES]

[GRAYMAN] Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Grayman. It's long for Gregor.

No names.

Oh.

- [LINDA] Surprise.
- [SKEET] Oh, my God.

Buttercream cake.

Oh. All right, here we go.

- So, guess what, Dad?
- What?

We have something to celebrate.

- Celebrate?
- Yes. I have this friend, Maxine.

Yeah?

She found the g*n.

Norma's g*n.

- I don't believe it.
- She threw it in the ocean. It's gone.

- It's gone, Dad.
- Oh, my God.

You are free, ma'am.

What is freedom, right?

And the Evelyn knows this?

She's the one who spilled the news.

Oh, of course. That's
her job. [CHUCKLES]

Why don't you do me a favor, come
around and sit over here by me.

- Okay.
- Oh, man.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

[GRUNTS] So...

Oh, my God.

[GRUNTS]

You know, there's one
thing about this...

- [MACHINE CHIMES]
- ... the Morpheus.

It holds the pain at bay.

But it's a g*dd*mn worse way
to live than you'll ever know.

Oh, that's... that's 'cause of
me, Dad. I'm so, so sorry.

I'm not a puzzle.

You know how I lived
my whole g*dd*mn life.

And all the men that came before,
how they lived their lives.

And the horrible legacy of the family.

And that's on me.

And I'm ashamed of that.

And I'm ashamed I let you down, ever.

But I did it daily.

And now I don't even know
how to say I'm sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

I see you.

I've always seen you, Dad.

[SNIFFLES] And I'm here.

I'm right here.

[SNIFFLES]

You know what? [GRUNTS]

[GROANING] I better have
another sh*t of this,

or I'm gonna turn into another assh*le.

[LAUGHS]

- It's all kinked up, huh?
- [GROANS]

[LINDA] I'm sorry.

Oh. Jesus Christ.

You okay? Good?

Yeah, that's better than good.

[SIGHS]

I wanna go.

I know.

And you can.

You can, Dad. I'm gonna be okay.

You promise?

I promise.

[SIGHS]

[SNIFFLES]

I'm afraid.

Take a look at the nation's heroes,

who, in just a few hours,

will break our earthly bonds
and head towards the moon.

- [CLACKING]
- Liquor, 10,000.

- Tents, tables, linens... [SIGHS]
- [REPORTER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

... 12,000.

- [SIGHS]
- ... were released from quarantine

on December 10th and will be
the second crew to touch down

- on Earth's natural satellite.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[DOUGLAS] Oh, my God.

- [GROANING]
- [REPORTER CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[CHUCKLES] Morning, darling.

What are you doing awake so early?

You were, how do I say, out all night.

We closed the club.

Must have been quite
dull with just the boys.

I am the king of condos. [CHUCKLES]

You closed the deal with the prince?

Only took 18 hours and
six bottles of schnapps,

but the ink is drying as we speak.

Oh, Douglas. Oh, I am so proud
of you. Congratulations.

[INHALES DEEPLY] Did you ask
him about the Beach Ball?

It just never came up.

Not in 18 hours?

That old Euro bastard,
he not only is going to invest,

he is going to take
the first sponsor unit.

These units, they're just
gonna sell themselves.

So, he'll be here for the season?

Oh, sh*t. Ah. Wiring instructions.

Wiring instructions.

I need you to transfer $500,000
to, uh, this account.

- Five hundred?
- That's the seed money for Perry.

Who are these 12?

Oh, there's Pinky, the subcontractors,
to get the permit started...

- Oh, and I need you to get $250,000...
- [GASPS]

- ... to the prince to use his name.
- [SIGHS]

He would prefer a cashier's check.

- Gee, that's...
- I know, it's amazing.

It's only the beginning.
And Perry has made me partner.

- That's wonderful.
- Mmm.

I must tell you, this does
leave the estate a bit tight.

And that's why we need to move
on this before Aunt Norma...

You know?

- I'll run to the bank.
- Great.

But I do think that I should
present the check to the prince.

I would just love to meet my
partner's partner, partner.

Sure thing, babe. Deal's done.

Whatever you want. [INHALES SHARPLY]

The prince will be there
celebrating at the club tonight

for that moon launch thingy.

So you can pitch the
idea to him yourself.

- Okay. Oh. Okay. Ooh.
- I'm gonna hit the hay. [KISSES]

Maybe hit the shower.

And wipe off the sweet smell of success?

- [MAXINE GRUNTS] Is that what that is?
- [SCOFFS]

[REPORTER] Great heroes whom all adore.

Never would these men grovel
at the idea of royalty.

Or humiliate themselves by making
a pass at someone in their own home

they couldn't even
tell was a h*m*.

[ROBERT] And I like your
accent. [CHUCKLES]

I'll tell you in person.

- Promise.
- Do you wear loafers?

[ROBERT] Can I call you back?

Well, hello to you too.

Do you wear loafers?

Yes. What is this about?

Do you stand lightly in them?

[ROBERT SIGHS]

I'm gonna go check on Norma.

Are you a man who always rings twice?

A gentleman of the piers?
A man with a long handshake?

An evening botanist? Do you
tiptoe through the tulips?

Maxine, what is it exactly
that you wanna ask me?

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Are you a "momo"?

- A what?
- Are you gay?

I've been with men.
I've been with women.

Well, then... Well,
what's wrong with me?

I am gay.

And there is nothing wrong with you.

It's just that we're friends.

We're not friends.

[STAMMERING] I have
lunch with my friends,

- and I play tennis with my friends.
- Those are not your friends.

[BREATHES HEAVILY] Friends
don't fight like you and I do.

Yes, they do. All the time.

[STAMMERS] I guess so.

If I catch you hitting on my husband...

- What? [CHUCKLES]
- Well, don't laugh in my face.

He's not my type.

- Douglas is everyone's type. Please.
- [NORMA GROANS]

Is that Norma?

[NORMA GROANS]

That's Norma.

- [MAXINE GASPS] Oh, my...
- Norma.

- Norma.
- What are you doing?

- Oh. Has this happened before?
- [GRUNTS] Breathe.

- Yes, maybe once. Yeah.
- [GRUNTS, SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

- She's trying to walk.
- [SIGHS]

That's incredibly optimistic of you.

Maybe it's all the progress
you've done with the Beach Ball.

- [GROANS]
- You're giving her a reason to hold on.

- [GASPS] Oh.
- [NORMA GRUNTING]

- [SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah. [GRUNTS]
- Uh-huh.

Well, I'll... I'll let you...
to get her in bed.

[STRAINS]

- [GRUNTS, PANTS]
- Maybe she wants to wear her crown again.

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

[STAMMERS] Yes, I'm Robert.

[SLURRING] Oh, f*ck.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

In a town of Chanel Number Five,

any smell, any scent of L'Air du
Temps can only mean one thing.

- Evelyn Rollins is in the building.
- [EVELYN CHUCKLES]

I've never seen you nap
with so many pillows.

That can't be good for your breathing.

- I'm meditating.
- Oh.

I see Linda's already been here.

She can't be too concerned
about your health.

Oh, sure. Let's b*at Linda up again.

b*at the sh*t out of her.

- Well, it's a box cake.
- Jesus Christ.

I love buttercream cake,
and she gives it to me

just because it makes
me feel good, ma'am.

- Did you eat all of that?
- I'm 86. Give me a f*cking break.

Linda told me about the g*n.

Norma was doing what
was best for all of us.

And she knew that I
loved you so very much.

I only wanted to be an
honest woman, Skeet.

I wanted to be your woman.

And I knew I had to make sure

that I spent the rest of my
life with you at your side,

protecting you from that... [SIGHS]
... g*n-crazed little hippie.

But you spent the rest of
your life spending my money

protecting your interests.

First of all, it's our money.

We're married.

Yes.

And second of all, you loved
me once. I know you did.

[SKEET SIGHS]

You remember Capri? Mustique?

Honey, Acapulco. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, but the g*n made
all of us prisoners.

[STAMMERS] Marriage
shouldn't be a prison.

And yet here we are.

You wouldn't be thinking
of seeking parole?

Parole?

What, do you think after
all these years of my life,

that I'm gonna divorce you?

Oh, that's out of the question,
for Christ's sake.

If you think I wanna
spend my final days...

- No.
- Oh... [GROANS]

- Don't speak of final days.
- ... in litigation...

Don't speak of final days.

- Don't speak...
- I'm no... Litigation's out.

[GROANS]

Save the histrionics and
the theatrics, please

because you've been planning my
g*dd*mn funeral for 18 years.

- [GASPS]
- Look me in the eye.

[SCOFFS] That is not fair, Skeet.

I have done nothing
but take care of you.

With a proxy of nurses.

- That's true.
- Well...

And, madam, despite the fact
you probably don't believe it,

I will take care of you
when the time comes.

Is that a thr*at?

Maxine.

Oh, I didn't think anyone was in
here. I'll let you be. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, no. Stay. I insist.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Ruby Ray Kissed number four.

- Come again?
- Your polish.

Your toes are ten little
kisses. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

We're talking toes again, are we?

Well...

You know, when I first met you,

I thought, "Well, there's
a breath of fresh air.

Someone nice. Wouldn't it
be great for nice to win?"

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I was nice in return, wasn't I?

You were.

I just get the feeling that
you've been dodging me.

Something I'd like to clarify
for the article I'm writing.

Miss Junior Ocoee '43, Eleanor Zanzy.

Miss Chattanooga '49, Elise Cunningham.

- Miss Mineral Buff...
- Bluff.

You know... [STAMMERS]
... it's like a cliff

- or a sand dune or...
- Like a bluff?

Yeah.

I knew I'd heard their names before,

so I combed through back
issues of The Shiny Sheet.

All those winners, they're all
dead Palm Beach socialites.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Well, it's not what you think.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What do you think I think?

Maybe I k*lled those ladies and
now that you know my secret,

I'm gonna k*ll you too.

Those women d*ed before
you were even born,

and I am certain none
of them ever set foot

in the great state of Tennessee.

Just what is going on, Maxine?

I am a winner.

Oh. Am I interrupting anything?

[CHUCKLES] No. I was just leaving.

I'm on deadline.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I couldn't help overhear you
declare yourself a winner, friend.

I dare say that you were
referring to my gala.

Oh, uh... [STAMMERS] The F-Fibs.

[CHUCKLES] Yes, the Fibs, who
remain in financial limbo. Yes.

I need my $75,000, Maxine.

- 'Course.
- Today.

Or I will be forced to conclude
that you don't have $75,000.

And if you would deceive
the Fibs, Maxine,

who else might you deceive?

Reputation is everything.

Especially now, with no
leverage nor guest of honor.

You will get your money, Mary.

The first wire is 500,000.
These 12 checks.

And then I need a
cashier's check for 250.

That's 250,000.

- I'll prepare these for signature.
- Thank you. [INHALES SHARPLY]

Wait.

Could I get one more?

Um, make it out to the Palm
Beach Fibrosis Foundation,

care of Mary Davidsoul.

For 75,000.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Hey.

Hey.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Yeah, I just wanted to say,
"Hey," and, I don't know,

see if you know where I could
score some LSD. [CHUCKLES]

It's for my dad.

Fern's always holding.

[INHALES DEEPLY] And I guess
I owe you an apology.

The Perry Donahue exposé is hitting
newsstands any minute now.

We're finally making a
difference in the world.

Right. Oh, yeah.

Ain't that what you wanted?

'Course.

Then why'd you burn the Rolodex?

I know it was my idea
in the first place.

But really, Virginia?

Is that really the great idea?
Kneecapping Perry?

So we're endangering other
people? Innocent people?

You mean your weird friend Maxine?

Oh, please.

Look, I hate to break it to you,

but Maxine, she's a tool
of the patriarchy too.

[GROANS]

She's a skosh delusional...
[LAUGHING] ... that's for sure.

But a tool? Hardly. Come on.

Once we start, where is
this ever gonna stop?

And who else is gonna
get hurt along the way?

I don't know.

Maybe all the people that's been
doing all the hurting up until now.

Agnew, Nixon and whoever else
was in that damn Rolodex.

I get it. [SIGHS] I do.

I'm going through a lot of
stuff right now. Okay?

Are you?

Did you know that people think you
gave me the money for this place?

What?

You never notice how
when people walk in here,

they automatically assume
that you're in charge?

Please tell me how to make it better.

Don't use me as a barometer
measuring your goodness.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You know.

You did a bad thing, Linda.

- Depends on who you ask.
- I ain't gotta ask nobody.

Well, I am sorry I'm such
a disappointment to you.

But this is not the time.

- It never is.
- [DOOR SLAMS]

[EMCEE] Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen, on this historic day.

Grab yourself a pair of
binoculars and a cocktail

from one of our out-of-sight
little space gals.

We're just an hour away from liftoff.

Where are those two?

- Who two?
- Perry and Dinah.

We're supposed to join them in a
celebration-of-the-condos toast.

Oh.

Ah. Mitzi.

- Maxine. Hi.
- [CHUCKLING] Hi.

Wanna try a Sputnik?

- It's just a white Russian.
- [MAXINE] Oh.

Or a Milky Way?
Also just a white Russian.

Oh. Uh, no thanks, sweetie.
Douglas, you remember Mitzi?

- You met at Havana Nights.
- [DOUGLAS] Yeah, of course.

Perry told me you were
working at the club.

I'm glad that worked out.

So listen, I gotta go find
that old so-and-so.

Lots to celebrate!

[MAXINE CHUCKLES]

- He seems excited.
- Well, he ought to be.

Looks like my prince is
about to land a prince,

and I'm on my way to do the same.

[CHUCKLES, STAMMERS] Good luck.

Confidence is running high, Mitzi.

It's all in the crown.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are
just an hour away from liftoff.

A mission in the name of science.

Our brave astronauts plan to gather data

that will expand our
collective consciousness.

- [REPORTER CONTINUES]
- I always thought that I might be allowed

to go into space one day.

There's still time, Pop.

[GROANS]

Loxahatchee's finest,

- courtesy of my buddy Fern.
- [CHUCKLES]

That's my girl.

Why are you putting your glasses on?

'Cause I wanna see where we're gonna go.

Okay.

I'll just do this.

- Ready to go to the moon?
- [REPORTER] Sit back, relax

and open yourself to the
endless bounds of the cosmos.

Off we go.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Maxine.

May I present the Prince of Luxembourg,

and the princess, Stephanie.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, uh...

[SPEAKS LUXEMBOURGISH]

[CHUCKLES] Sorry,
my pronunciation may be a little off.

I just popped in to the local library

to try to pick up some
Luxembourgish phrases.

- [CHUCKLES]
- So, that's all I got. [CHUCKLES]

What did I tell ya, Princie?
Isn't she a hoot?

- Oh, ja. A for certain hoot.
- [CHUCKLES] Mmm.

Aw. [CHUCKLES] Thank you, Your Majesty.

- [PRINCE CHUCKLES]
- [INHALES DEEPLY]

Um, okay. Well, I would
like to now present to you

this cashier's check for $250,000

in exchange for your name and likeness

for the West Palm Beach Prince
of Luxembourg Luxury Towers.

[SPEAKS LUXEMBOURGISH]

The pleasure is mine.

- Oh.
- This is just the beginning

- of a new dawn in... in Palm Beach.
- Yes.

Here's to us.

- Let's take a picture.
- [MAXINE] Yeah.

Commemorate this historic moment.

- Mmm, no photo. Mm-mmm.
- [DOUGLAS] Hmm?

- Ah, I am publicity shy. You see?
- Hmm.

Oh.

Yes, I understand all about publicity.
You and me. [CHUCKLES]

- I'm a pageant girl, you see?
- [PRINCE CHUCKLES]

So, as one crown wearer to another,

I would also like to ask you

to be my official special
guest... [CHUCKLES]

... at the 50th annual Beach Ball.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- No. No photo.

Oh, no. We don't have to do photos.

Sure, we-we can do a
wh-whole photography block.

- Miss Douglas.
- [MAXINE] Mmm.

Thank you for your honor.

Condos, yes. As agreed.

Check, yes. As agreed.

But this Balls on the Beach, sadly no.

- No photo.
- I am a shy man.

Oh, yes. Oh, we can
get you a private tent.

Beautiful private tent with curtains,
and no one will even see you.

- [DOUGLAS] Maxine, the prince said no.
- No one... Hold on, Douglas.

You can stay in the car.
You can just d-drive by

and roll the windows
down and-and-and wave.

- Like, your royal wave. Douglas.
- Ma-Max.

- Um, you can just-just pop in.
- Max.

I truly am sorry.

- Just get out of your car?
- Max.

- Circle around and get back in?
- Honey. Max.

You can do it with the windows up.

- Just honk your horn.
- Babe.

[JAZZY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- Oh, hey.
- Oh. Sorry.

- [GASPS]
- Oh. Sorry.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Yoo-hoo. Not quite the
face of freedom, Maxine.

It's over, Evelyn.

Come again?

[SIGHS] It's over.
It's all over. The Beach Ball.

Uh, I... I tried to land a
marquee guest, and I, um...

- Didn't work out.
- Oh, it's all right.

- It is?
- Sure.

You'll throw a giant, expensive gala

whose guest list is composed

only of the ding-a-ling
ladies of Palm Beach,

and you will be roundly ridiculed

as a bunch of garish ice
sculptures melt around you.

And at long last, you will be
run out of town on a rail.

And that's all right with me.

Gee, that's a nice thing to say.

And all this in the name of what?

What did you call it, Maxine?

- What was it?
- Freedom.

Let me tell you a little
something about freedom:

It's a nightmare.

That Rolodex, Maxine,
and frankly, that g*n

were instruments of society.

Do you want your neighbor to feel
free to sneak over to your house

in the dead of night
and crap on your lawn

should he feel so inclined?

- No.
- There are ordinances

against things like that: public
fornication, overgrown hedges,

unstable women in full
control of their finances.

That Rolodex, Maxine, represented
a great and lasting contract.

As long as everyone agrees to do
certain things in a certain way,

society, civilization as we
know it, remains intact.

What you did, you backwoods bumblehick,

is give people the freedom
to not attend the Beach Ball,

and thus, the terrible
idea that they are free

to do any horrible thing they
desire without repercussion.

Is that a world in which
you want to live, Maxine?

A world of unbridled, venal selfishness?

- No.
- No? The irony is you thought...

[CHUCKLES] ... that day
when you scaled the hedges

of the Palm Royale,

that you were escaping the barbarians,

when actually you were the
tip of the barbarian spear,

bringing chaos right to our feet.

We will all rue the day
we let you in here.

[SNIFFLES]

So yes, Maxine, it is
all over. You failed.

There will be no 50th
anniversary of the Beach Ball.

And from this moment...

mark my words, the whole world
will begin to spiral into sh*t.

And that's all thanks to you.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Bravo, Maxine.

Or should I say "brava"?

And now, the moment we've
all been waiting for.

She's not the first rocket to the moon,

but she's a darn fine runner-up.

And a... ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

[GROUND CONTROL]
Booster ignition. And liftoff.

Is it supposed to happen fast?

- I don't think so.
- [GROANS] Oh, great.

I don't feel anything.

[EMCEE] ♪ Fly me to the moon ♪

♪ And let me play up there ♪
♪ With those stars ♪

♪ Let me see what spring is like ♪
♪ On Jupiter and Mars ♪

♪ In other words, hold my hand... ♪

- [SERVER] Evening edition's in.
- [ROBERT] Thank you.

And quickly, I pass it to Yaniv.

And then he said, "That's
not a deutsche mark."

[LAUGHING]

- Mr. Simmons.
- Whoa.

[DOUGLAS] This is Bobby. Bobby is
the bartender here at the club,

and he's also our pool boy.

Mmm. Your Highness.

Can I talk to you in private?

Tell my wife, uh, I have
some business to attend to.

I'll meet her back at the house.

[ANN] Maxine.

Hi.

May I have a word?

Would it mattered if I said no?

Remember that little confusion
about your pageant wins?

Well, I had to ask a
local Tennessee paper

to rush me copies via facsimile.

And I have to say,
I found some strange things.

Do tell.

The winners of those pageants...

Well, the names are not you.
But the pictures are.

- You wanna know the truth?
- I do.

Maxine Dellacorte is a nobody.

My maiden name is Horton

because it was the name of
the washbasin I was found in

when I was a baby.

I grew up in an orphanage,
without anything or anyone.

But what I did have... the one
thing I had... was them.

The glamorous and proud,
shallow ladies of The Shiny Sheet.

Oh, I would pore through those pictures,

just imagining what
their lives were like.

So perfect.

They were so adored. [SCOFFS]

I signed up for my first pageant

and used the name of someone
I had just read about.

Just for the fun of it.

I didn't know who I was yet,

so I just used their names. [CHUCKLES]

[INHALES DEEPLY] And that's it, Ann.

That's all it is.

Go ahead. Print it.

My life honestly can't get any worse.

Print it all.

That's it?

What do you mean, "That's it"?

Maxine, no one is going
to want to read that.

Well, my feelings are unexpectedly hurt.

Give me a hug.

[CHUCKLES]

[ANN] Hmm.

[ROBERT] Come on.

- Let's go.
- Where are we going?

I'm gonna take you home, my friend.

Let's do this.

- Don't you have to work?
- Let them fire me.

Come on.

[SIGHS] What are those?

Norma's invitations for the Beach Ball.

Uh, no, we're not doing the Beach Ball.

We are, um, broke again.

[SCOFFS]

How do you think the ladies
around here make their money?

Aren't they just rich?

When Dinah makes $200,000 for cancer,

how much do you think goes to cancer?

- $200,000.
- [GRUNTS]

More like 2,000.

And when Raquel raises half a
million dollars for the Batistas,

- they get 10,000.
- [GASPS]

You don't have to have
money for the Beach Ball.

- The Beach Ball is the money.
- Wait, wait, wait, w...

- And you don't need a Rolodex...
- [INHALES SHARPLY]

... because the blackmail is
right here in the invitations.

Oh.

Read one, please.

Go ahead. Read.

"Dearest Teddy,

I heard you had too much fun
last summer with a new friend.

Hopefully the next will
prove less eventful. Sh"...

Ooh.

"Shame about the car.

Send my regards to Joan.

Love, Norma."

I don't th... I don't
think I could do this.

It's just one time.

And it's not you. You didn't sign those.

Robert, if I send those, it makes me...

Just like Norma.

Do you wanna save the Dellacortes?

Oh. [SIGHS]

- Here you go.
- What?

And now you have to go
'cause I have company.

[MAXINE] What do you mean, someone's
coming over? Who's coming over?

- A friend.
- [STAMMERS]

You just gave me a lot of information.

- I-I wanna talk about it.
- See you later.

- I thought I was your only friend.
- Bye-bye.

["MOONSHOT" PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

Here we go.

[SIGHING]

[SKEET] Do you feel that?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Do you see?

Do you see that?

This is big stuff, ma'am.

[REPORTER] Takeoff is
going smoothly so far...

Feels weird without Linda here.

She made her choice.

What's wrong?

My husband's number came up.

He ships out this week.

[KNOCKING]

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, Robert.

Hello, Your Highness.

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Whoa.

[PANTING]

I am somebody.

I am somebody.

I am somebody.

I think I'll just go slip slidin' away.

Dad?

[NORMA SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[SLURRING] Weh-wah-wah.

[GRUNTS, WHIMPERS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SLURRING] Weh-wah...

[SLURRING] Revolver.