01x06 - The Trap

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music playing]

[Emil] The audience...

they want to see that even

a good man as yourself can be

- driven too far.
- Yeah, I understand that, but that's not really my thing.

[Lucy shrieks]

[g*nsh*t]

Why can't you move?

[Maximus] Someone stole my fusion core.

What are you suggesting?

We travel together, get the head
and take it to the Brotherhood.

In exchange, you'll lend me the services
of your knights to save my father.

- [wolf whistles]
- [Cooper] You know, I've never done an advertisement before

in my life.

[Lucy] I wonder if anyone survived.

I did.

Lucy!

[propulsive music playing]

[screaming]

Where are we?

We're in the best place in the world.

We're in a vault.

[fanfare playing]

Oh.

Hello there.

Yep, it's me, Cooper Howard,

star of stage and screen.

But I'm not here today
to talk to you about my latest picture.

No, today I'm here to show you
a vast and wonderful place,

not made by God Almighty
but the working man.

A veritable Camelot of the nuclear age.

Now, how 'bout we turn on some lights.

[soft, rustic music playing]

There, that's better.

Now, I'm speaking to you from
deep inside the fully-livable

Model 96JQ1164.

And what a beaut she is.

And what a song she sings.

Now, that right there
is Vault 4's three-foot-thick lead casing.

Strong enough to keep out the rads

and the Reds.

Each one of these underground burghs

comes with all the modern amenities
you've come to expect

from our rip-roarin' republic.

Now, this corridor here
is Sycamore Street,

where you'll wave howdy
to any one of your 200 neighbors

on your way home for an enchanted evening
with your loved ones.

Mm.

Meet the Hawthornes.

Now, this isn't just your average
all-American family.

No, Lloyd and Cassandra here
are both scientists,

specializing in the effects of radiation
on human DNA.

[Cassandra] That's right.

And we'll be living
and working right here in Vault 4,

leading a community
governed entirely by scientists.

Wait a second,
did you say "living down here"?

Well, there hasn't been
a nuclear incident, has there?

[Lloyd] Uh, no, not yet.

But, uh, our family
and a group of 80 volunteers

will be conducting
a five-year trial of Vault 4.

To demonstrate to the world that,

no matter what comes our way,

America will be ready.

Five years.

Well, I may play a hero
in the movies, but...

you all are heroes in real life.

And now you can be a hero, too.

By purchasing a residence
in a Vault-Tec vault today.

Because if the worst
should happen tomorrow,

the world is gonna need
Americans just like you

to build a better day after.

- [director] And cut.
- [bell rings]

That was a great take. You happy?

Fellas, are you happy?

[chuckling]

All right. Gary, I'm wrapped, right?

- Yes, sir.
- Uh, how'd we do?

- We were so nervous.
- Aw, you did great.

Yeah, it was really lovely to meet you.
Thanks for coming out.

Thank you so much. Good to meet you.

- Mr. Howard, great work today.
- Ah.

Oh, thanks. Thanks, man.

Bud Askins. I oversee
our Southern California operations.

- Ah.
- I, uh, came over to Vault-Tec

in Q3 after a ten-year stint at West Tek.

- [chuckles]
- West Tek.

It's a defense contractor.

Oh, I'm, uh, very familiar with you guys.

You designed the T-45 power armor.

First of its kind.

No, I-I oversaw the-the rollout.

You know, the design flaws
were ridiculous, but...

- they sure looked great.
- I wore the T-45

when we almost lost the great state
of Alaska to the Reds.

Those design flaws of yours cost
a lot of good men and women their lives.

Yeah. Product management was never my bag.

I'm more focused on HR R&D now.

Overseeing workflow optimization
of management timelines.

I'm all about scale.

Most people think scale means
increasing global market share.

That's thinking in three dimensions,
and I'm talking about four.

Because what is the ultimate w*apon
to destroy your competition?

It's not outselling them.
It's not outsmarting them.

It's time.

- Hmm.
- Time...

- is the ultimate w*apon.
- Uh-huh.

- Yeah.
- [chuckles] Sounds complicated,

but the future of all humanity
comes down to one word.

Yeah, what's that?

Management.

[chuckling]

- Well, I'm awful happy for you, Buck.
- [chuckling]

Bud. Bud Askins.

[sighs]

- Hey.
- Ooh! [chuckling]

[Cooper] Mmm.

I'm at work.

- Oh, how 'bout we clock out?
- [chuckles]

- Oh.
- Huh? Nothing against these colleagues of yours,

but what do you say you and me knock back
a couple of piña coladas by the pool,

- listen to the hi-fi.
- Mm.

There is a wrap party.

What, a... a wrap party?

- For this?
- Yes.

[sighs]

All right. We go for a couple of hours,

we shake a few hands...

It's at our house.

[sighs] The things
I'm willing to do for you

never cease to amaze me.

Mm.

[♪ Alvino Rey and His Orchestra:
"Dardanella"]

[indistinct chatter]

[exhales]

[sighs]

Roosevelt, I'm sorry.
You can't come, buddy.

I'm heading into enemy territory.

[whispering] You be a good dog.

Go to bed.

- [music playing loudly]
- [indistinct chatter]

Yeah, A Man and His Dog...
that movie's great.

Mm. Yeah. I love that one, too.

It was my real dog.

Beautiful home, Mr. Howard.

Thank you.

[woman 1] Did Cooper Howard just walk by?

[man 1] He was so good in that movie.

[indistinct chatter]

[man 2] [chuckles] Oh, it's him!

[woman 2] Mr. Howard. Hello.

Negotiations in Anchorage are having
a serious impact on presales.

We'll have to circle up with D.C.
about that.

Ideally before our quarterly
projection release.

[laughing]

Mr. Howard. Mr. Howard.

Bud Askins.

Right.

Would you mind, you know,
doing the butler voice?

- From the show?
- All right.

I only do it for close friends
and beautiful women,

but you two are already halfway there.

- [laughs]
- Stop it.

"I, Bartholomew Codsworth,
am ever ready to serve."

[laughing]

- Hoo-hoo!
- Perhaps

when you finish your shift,
we could head up and party in the hot tub.

What do you think of that?

- Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
- No?

[mutters] Okay.

All right.

Excuse me. Your wine.

Well, sh*t, Seabass.

You might be the only one of my invites
who actually showed up.

[laughs]

- [grunts]
- Yeah.

- Not our usual scene, I'll give you that.
- No, it is not.

I think our Hollywood actor friends
don't want to be seen

celebrating with the pitchman
for the end of the world.

Oh, you don't know the half of it.

You hear I lost a movie over these ads?

Yeah, showed up to set,

the actors wouldn't
come out of their trailers.

Bonnie Lewis said it was on moral grounds.

Bonnie Lewis?

She's done more ads
than a f*cking billboard.

- Yeah.
- f*cking Hollywood Reds.

I'm telling you, radicalism
is sweeping through Hollywood

like a bad case of the clap.

Even got your friend, Charlie Whiteknife.

Are you kidding me? Charlie?

- Mm.
- I served

- with that guy.
- They have meetings

and everything.

It's a sh*t show.

But you, my friend,

you know which way the wind is blowing.

And it's that...

a world run by people who wear
pocket protectors to a pool party.

[nerd] ...about delivery platforms.

Yeah, you might be right about that.

I mean, I've dipped my bits
in the same gravy train.

Sold my vocal rights to that

spinning robot they sell
to housewives and perverts.

Guess how much they paid me for that.

Ten million?

No, I got 186, pre-tax.

Maybe you could've asked for more.

Well, I did ask for more.

And what did they say?

My agent got them
to throw in one of those robots.

- [laughs]
- The f*ck

were they thinking?
Every time I walk into my own house,

my own voice saying,
"Hello, sir, do you want to sit down?"

[laughing]

It's f*cking awful!

I thought the studio owned that character.

They did.
And then RobCo bought the studio.

- Mm.
- Listen to me,

Hollywood is the past. Forget Hollywood.

The future, my friend, is products.

You're a product. I'm a product.

The end of the world is a product.

Oh.

And for those of us
who can successfully embrace that,

I'd say the future is golden.

To the future.

To the future.

[bell rings]

[door opens]

- [door closes]
- [Snip Snip] I, Bar-Bartholomew Codsworth,

am ever ready to serve.

[groans]

Why, hello there, boys. [grunts softly]

Now, y'all here for the ice cream social,

I'm afraid I got some bad news for you.

[Snip Snip stuttering]

Let's get to-to it, shall we-shall we?

Wai-Wai-Waiting.

Take its fusion core.

There's no fudge here,

o-only a General Atomics Inter...

[Troy] Destroying a legitimate business?

That's illegal round these parts.

Says who?

The government.

[tense music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[Dr. Edmundson sucks teeth]

[groans softly]

Using teeth for amm*nit*on.

Always finding new ways
to k*ll each other up there, aren't they?

We'll need, uh, an antibiotic.

I know you mentioned
you're eager to keep moving,

but your friend is gonna have to
recover here for a couple of days

before it's safe to travel.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

You had a rotten human tooth
lodged in your shoulder.

You're not fine.

Titus, this is a vault doctor.

We should listen to his advice.

We can't thank you enough
for letting us in and taking care of us.

It's what we do here.

Oh, and we found his armor.

Our surface foragers
are bringing it back now.

[Lucy] Oh, that's great. Thank you.

It's not ideal for us to stay put,

but, I got to admit,
it sure feels good to be back in a vault.

[chuckles softly] I don't know
if you've been to the surface, but...

it is...

not good.

I was born on the surface.

Oh.

Uh, sorry.

I-I didn't know. You seem so...

Normal?

- [chuckles]
- My mother was a courier.

I was 11 and traveled with her to Filly.

Three days' walk from home and we
could still feel the heat from the blast.

You're from Shady Sands.

Many of us are.

We were lucky to find such
a hospitable community here in Vault 4.

Yeah. So were we.

[Birdie] We just need you to stay
in quarantine a few hours longer

to make sure
you don't track in any contamination.

Thank you so much.

[sighs]

[♪ Percy Faith:
"Theme from 'A Summer Place'"]

You smell good.

What? [sniffs]

Oh.

You want to have sex?

You mean use my cock?

Yeah.

[weak chuckle]

I don't know.
Uh, that weird thing could happen.

What weird thing?

Well, it's just, for some guys... not me...

uh, but for some guys, you know,
when they make it move,

it gets all big and hard
like a big pimple and then it pops.

And they say it can happen
to anybody, but it's still, it's...

it's gross.

You know, that's... uh,
that's actually completely normal.

It happens all the time.

Every time, ideally.

I'm a knight.

Um, a knight of the Brotherhood.

We're-we're not supposed to.

Okey dokey.

[sighs]

[ominous music playing]

Mind if I sit down?

[indistinct chatter]

Mmm.

We shouldn't be wasting time down here.

You heard the doctor.

Besides, we made a deal
to find that head together,

and you're no good to me dead.

- Also, I would feel bad.
- I think these people are trying to trap us here.

No, they're not.

And some of these people
are from the surface, like you.

[laughing]

- Ah.
- Hi.

This is a cult. Same as any.

It's not a cult.

- Everyone's smiling.
- Titus, this is a safe place,

where people take care of each other.

But why?

Well, because in the vaults,

we recognize that
we all need each other,

just like I needed you on the surface.

[intriguing music playing]

Now, we're stuck here
until you're able to travel.

So, give this place a sh*t?

Sorry to interrupt your breakfast,
but our overseer

wanted to say a quick hello.

Overseer Benjamin, this is Lucy and Titus.

Hey, guys. Just wanted to say hi.

- Hello.
- And obviously, welcome to Vault 4.

Just some housekeeping,
a few things to be aware of.

Stay out of Level 12, obviously.

We'd prefer you not go there.

Oh, and we only have one foosball table,
so if you want to play,

you got to sign up.

If there's no pencil on the sign-up sheet,
please let me know.

I do have pencils.

Uh, oh, and if you're unfamiliar
with how the bathrooms work, just ask.

Asking is less embarrassing
than getting it wrong. Trust me.

We've had incident after incident
with newcomers.

- Okay, that should cover it.
- [short chuckle]

Any questions or concerns beyond foosball
or pencils or bathrooms,

Birdie's available.

And once again, welcome to Vault 4.

We're glad to have you.

- Thank you.
- [Benjamin] Mm.

[clears throat]

[eerie music playing]

Mm.

That was weird, right?

- The overseer?
- That's what I'm saying.

- When people are nice...
- No.

Titus, I'm... I'm talking about his eye.

Lots of people have one eye.

Well, yeah, but...

I mean, his was in the middle.

A little to the left.

And the Level 12 stuff? I mean...

Oh.

Sorry.

Have a nice day. [chuckles]

[♪ Gene Armstrong and His Texas
Nite Hawks: "Lonely Hours"]

♪ Lonely hours ♪

♪ Away from you...

Doesn't get any better than this.

Nope. It does not.

Mmm.

You ever... think about working
somewhere else?

I used to.

But with you doing these ads, it's...
it's practically the family business.

Maybe we get Janey a job in payroll

- when she's 15.
- [Janey] Sit.

- [chuckles]
- Oh, that's a good puppy.

I think about it. Quitting showbiz.

Buying us a ranch up in Bakersfield.

Get back to being a real cowboy again.

And what would I do?

You would look pretty.

And help me raise chickens.

[laughs] No.

You would look very good
in a pair of overalls.

What's gotten into you?

A gin martini.

[groans] I don't know.

Maybe I've been reading
too much news lately.

Got me second-guessing
the whole city life.

[sighs]

Oh, come on.

Y-You've seen these around.

Not on you, I haven't.

Bud Askins... he licensed them from RobCo.

We're integrating them
with the Vault-Tec admission systems.

- Bud Askins.
- Bud Askins. Trust me, I know.

The company's filled with guys like him.

But Vault-Tec exists with or without me.

Doesn't do anyone any good
to complain from the sidelines.

All I'm saying is we have this one life.

Do you really want to spend your
nine-to-fives working with these assholes?

I need this job, Coop.

- It guarantees us a spot in the vaults.
- We got money.

We can buy a spot in the vaults.

One of the good vaults.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm doing what I can, okay?

Just... trust me.

Please.

Yeah.

[pensive music playing]

[news anchor] As all nations race

to secure uranium
and control the future of energy,

a shortage has emerged,
turning even allies

into potential competitors.

Will energy prices surge this winter

- and will it lead to an expanded w*r?
- [chuckles softly]

Details after a word
from our newest sponsor...

Sorry you couldn't make it
to the party the other night, Charlie.

Guess you had one of your meetings, huh?

One of your Communist meetings?
Come on, man.

We watched people die together up north
fighting against all that horseshit.

Yeah, and for what?

What do you mean, for what?
For the American dream.

We're actors.
We make movies, Charlie.

Yeah, the American dream has me
getting sh*t in the ass by you all day.

You got five acres in Tarzana.
I think you're doing all right.

It don't matter, Coop.

- Vault-Tec's the f*cking devil, man.
- My wife works there.

- You really think Barb's the devil?
- No, no, okay, I...

I like Barb, okay?

Do you know what
"fiduciary responsibility" means?

- Fiduciary responsibility?
- Yeah.

No, I have no f*cking idea.

I play a cowboy for a living.

Okay.
So, the U.S. government has outsourced

the survival of the human race
to Vault-Tec.

- [laughs]
- Vault-Tec is a private corporation

that has a fiduciary responsibility
to make money for its investors.

And how does it make money?

- By selling vaults.
- That's called capitalism, Charlie.

But they can't sell vaults
if these peace negotiations go through.

So Vault-Tec
has a fiduciary responsibility

to make sure that it don't work out.

[sighs] Yeah. How they gonna do that?

I don't know.

You remember that movie
we did with Johnny Morton...

you were the sheriff
and I was some generic Indian?

Come on, man, don't say that.
Tallhand Mudlake could talk to horses.

You played him with grace
and with dignity.

It was a great role for you.

Morton played a rancher
who owned half of Missouri.

And what happens when the cattle ranchers
have more power than the sheriff?

- The whole town burns down.
- The whole town burns down. Right.

Vault-Tec is a trillion dollar company
that owns half of everything.

And after ten years of w*r,
the U.S. government is broker than a joke.

The cattle ranchers are in charge, Coop.

Oh, come on.

Unless the people do something about it.

I guess everything's a conspiracy, right?

- Come on, man, you sound like you're in a cult.
- And you're sitting here

defending a system that's ready
to set the world on fire, Cooper.

Maybe you're the one in the cult.

[mutters]

Look.

You should come to a meeting.

You should learn the truth
about where your wife works.

For her sake.

[suspenseful music playing]

Bartender, can I get one more?

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- [man] Hello! May I speak to Barb, please?

- Who is it?
- It's Henry.

Henry from the Vault-Tec
assistant training program.

Is this Mr. Cooper Howard?

Uh, I'm sorry, Henry, but my wife prefers
not to take work calls in the evenings.

Oh, no, no, no, uh,
it'll just be a few minutes.

- Okay. All right, bye-bye.
- I have some questions for her. I don't...

Uh, that was Henry. From work.

Do you have a... a new assistant?

Yeah, I do.

Yeah? Is Janey asleep?

Uh, she's reading
Little House on the Prairie to Roosevelt.

Ah. Does he like it?

What?

It's going to be hard on her, that's all.

What is?

You know, no dogs in the vaults.

Says who?

[Barb] Hmm?

No dogs in the vaults. Says who?

Well... that's just

the, um... that's the policy.

You know, dogs eat meat.

It's an avoidable inefficiency.

Ah.

Yeah.

That's not really the question, is it?

All I'm asking is

who decided that
there were no dogs in the vault?

Well, I think that
is a relatively trivial concern,

given the prerequisite conditions
of us living in

a nuclear fallout shelter.

Well, you know, I'm not sure that it is,
to be quite honest.

What?

I'm serious.

Who-who ma... who makes the rules?

Because no dogs allowed...
that is a new rule.

Somebody decided that
and didn't share it with f*cking anyone.

I mean, what else
do you have in store for us?

Are the-are the blue jumpsuits...

are those mandatory? What if
I don't want to wear a blue jumpsuit?

- What if I want to wear a green one?
- So the b*mb falls,

and you want to know about your wardrobe?

No, I want to know about my freedom.

I didn't go to w*r defending that freedom

so that I could live in a cellar
under the boot heel

of Chairman Bud Askins.

And while you were away at w*r,
I stayed home.

- I know you...
- I was checking the mail

- every day.
- I know.

I was waiting by the phone every night.

And every night I was driving myself crazy

imagining the worst.

So, you do not need to tell me
how bad w*r is, Coop.

Every day I go into work and I think about

how humanity can survive a nuclear event

that will wipe out 90% of life on earth
and I come home

and you're talking to me about
hiding out at a ranch up in Bakersfield.

You know, I don't even know
what planet you're on sometimes, Coop.

But when the bombs drop,
a two-hour drive ain't gonna cut it.

So yes, there will be no dogs
in the vaults.

And no, none of it is ideal.

But if billions of people
are going to lose their lives,

I will do whatever it takes
to make sure the people I love...

that is you and that is Janey...

aren't among them.

I have worked hard

to make sure we go into

a special vault for management,

where we will oversee
all of the other vaults.

You don't get it.
That is the best we can possibly hope for.

For Janey.

[haunting music playing]

Hey, hey.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- [sniffles, whimpers]

Come here.

I'm sorry.

I know you always
try to do the right thing.

That's what I love about you.

And when you turn the little handle
up top, it all goes away.

Yep, that's...

- how a toilet works.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm-I'm actually from a vault.

You're what?

- I'm from a vault.
- So you are.

- Goosey MacLean.
- Oh, no, no. It's-it's Lucy.

Nope, it says Goosey. Hmm.

But hey, that's something.

You don't meet a natural-born
vault dweller every day.

We're a dying breed.

Oh, you're... you're from here?

- Five generations, and proud of it.
- Ah.

I just thought because...

Because so many, uh, people here
seem to be refugees

- from the surface.
- Tell me about it.

Ooh. These people.

Am I right? [chuckles]

[groans]

I grabbed a moldy one. [clears throat]

- What do you mean by that?
- Well,

you won't find anyone
more open-minded than me,

but they come in here
with their smelly food

and their weird ideas.

You're from a vault. You get it.

I-I don't understand.
If you don't like people from the surface

then why do you keep taking them in?

It's a policy from before my time.

But these newcomers, ooh, let me tell you,

if you want to get elected,
you have to respect their traditions

and tolerate them
and not call them "surfies." It's awful.

What, you don't
take in surface dwellers in your vault?

Well, to be honest, no, we don't.

- What is that like?
- No,

I think what you're doing here
is a really good thing.

I saw what was left of Shady Sands.

An entire city just destroyed
in an instant. It...

I mean, some of these people
lost everything.

And that was a tragedy.

So we took our share of them in
and gave them a home

because it's what we do.

But it's like you can't
make a funny joke about it

without offending these guys.

I mean, one funny joke I told
on maybe ten occasions.

- What was the joke?
- [scoffs]

I forget.

All I know is it was a huge b*mb.

[chuckles] Pretty good, right?

Oh, she doesn't get it.
[clears throat]

Any other questions?

I do have one. Uh...

What's on Level 12
and why can't we go there?

We don't talk about that.

- Geez, what's the matter with you?
- Sorry, I...

- I just...
- You should go now.

- I only wanted to...
- Goodbye, Goosey.

[tense music playing]

Skedaddle.

[suspenseful music playing]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Where do you guys get your power from?

[pulsing steadily]

[Birdie] I see you found our fusion core.

How are we adjusting to life down here?

Does it matter?

I'm leaving soon.

Aren't I?

Some people who come here
have a hard time adjusting

to finally feeling safe.

All the things you've had to do to survive
still fresh in your mind.

Trust doesn't come easily to those of us
with a guilty conscience.

Here.

Unit 428.

How about you sleep in a room
of your own tonight?

Have a hot shower.

Nothing wrong with
a little bit of comfort.

Um, when you say "hot shower,"
what does-what does that mean, exactly?

[gentle pop music playing
indistinctly over P.A.]

[indistinct chatter, laughing]

[laughs]

[eerie music playing]

♪ ♪

[♪ June Christy:
"Give Me the Simple Life"]

♪ I don't believe
in fretting and grieving ♪

♪ Why mess around with strife? ♪

♪ I never was cut out ♪

♪ To step and strut out ♪

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

♪ Some find it pleasant
dining on pheasant ♪

♪ Those things roll off my Kn*fe ♪

♪ Just serve me tomatoes
and mashed potatoes ♪

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

♪ A cottage small is all I'm after ♪

♪ Not one that's spacious and wide ♪

♪ A house that rings with joy
and laughter ♪

♪ And the ones you love inside ♪

♪ Some like the high road,
I like the low road ♪

♪ Free from the care and strife ♪

♪ Sounds corny and seedy,
but yes indeedy ♪

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

♪ I never was cut out
to step and strut out ♪

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

♪ Just serve me tomatoes
and mashed potatoes ♪

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

♪ A cottage small is all I'm after ♪

♪ Not one that's spacious and wide ♪

♪ A house that rings with joy
and laughter...

Excuse me.

Yes.

What is this?

[wistful music playing]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music playing]

- [door opens]
- [vault dweller] It's almost starting.

[door closes]

Oh, uh, excuse me?

What's going on?

It's a Surface Dweller tradition.

It can get a little rambunctious
for my taste.

You're welcome to come.

Sure.

[ominous music playing]

[Sorrel] Well, sh*t.

Why, Sorrel Booker.

[both laughing]

I heard it was a ghoul
that f*cked up that Super Duper Mart.

Nobody told me it was the ghoul.

Mm. Mm.

You boys know who you just brought in?

This sumbitch right here

used to be the best bounty hunter
to ever sh**t a man in the ass.

Kids these days don't know
their g*dd*mn history.

Say, you got a needle and thread?

[Troy scoffs] Sorry,

we don't do a lot of knitting 'round here.

It's called sewing.

I think I got some in my bag.

[grunts softly]

Would you mind?

Aw, come on now, Sorrel,
we old friends, ain't we?

Look at you. 200 years.

I don't know what keeps you going.

Maybe you just like the feeling

of that good old California sunshine

on your wrinkly-ass face.

Or maybe you're still looking for her.

Well, Sorrel...

I can confidently cross
one reason off that list for you.

I sure as hell ain't still alive

so that I can have
unintelligent conversations

with dipshits like yourself.

Mind your f*cking mouth.

That's the president of the government
you're talking to.

Oh...

You a president now?

Don't see why not.

Well, then you might
want to hire a publicist.

'Cause this is the first
I'm hearing about this outfit.

Now, what I am hearing
is a whole lot of chatter

about some woman.

Name of Moldaver.

They call her the Flame Mother.

Now, that bitch is dangerous.

Well, when it comes to leadership
these days,

dangerous is what they call
a prerequisite.

Somebody's got to step up
and bring some order around here.

You know why these boys brought you in?

[Ghoul] 'Cause I f*cked up

a poor, defenseless
g*ng-affiliated organ dealership?

- Yep.
- Mm.

- Now, I've always liked you.
- Well, I've always liked you.

Well, ain't that sweet?
But that Super Duper Mart you gutted

was under our protection.

So, if I wanted to let you go scot-free,

folks might lose faith
about what we're trying to do here.

And then what?

Anarchy in the streets.

Exactly.

Now, you got anything to say
in your defense?

Guilty as charged.

Just like that?

[suspenseful music playing]

Just like that.

Now, if you need any more evidence,

I can tell you about this town
I just sh*t up, Filly.

Oh, I must have k*lled nine or ten people.

My daddy lives in Filly.

Well, not no more he don't,

unless he's a coward.

Don't take the bait, son.

Well, I ain't fishing.
I'm just trying to game this out, now.

In my experience, the apple
tends not to fall too far from the tree.

Is that true in your case?

My daddy ain't no coward.

Well, then I guess the only question is...

...are you?

[Sorrel] Sheriff Rex.

Take Sheriff Troy's g*ns away.

Very presidential of you.

[Sorrel] Take him out back
and feed him to the hogs.

[grunting]

g*dd*mn it.

I got one question for you, ol' buddy.

Why...

do you have this picture on your wall?

That's Moldaver.

Why?

Well, that's not
how I remember her, is all.

Yeah?

Well, how do you remember her?

[♪ The Metrotones: "Skitter Skatter"
playing on radio]

♪ Well, what would you do
if your baby left you alone? ♪♪

[engine stops]

[intriguing music playing]

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi.
- Hey.

[sighs]

[all exhaling slowly]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Thanks for coming.

Yeah, we'll see if I stay.

You'll stay.

Flame Mother, we remember.

[all] Flame Mother,

we remember.

[Birdie] We bring back the past

as we remember.

We bring back the past
as we remember.

We bring back Shady Sands...

We bring back Shady Sands.

- ...as we remember.
- [all] As we remember.

- We bring back those taken from us.
- We bring back those taken from us.

We bring back those taken from us...

We bring back those taken from us.

...by covering ourselves in their ashes.

By covering ourselves in their ashes.

[Birdie] We bring back those taken from us

by covering ourselves in their ashes.

[all] By covering ourselves
in their ashes.

To bring back Shady Sands,
blood must spill.

[all] To bring back Shady Sands,
blood must spill.

I think there's somebody you should meet.

- Yeah, who's that?
- [all] Blood must spill.

- Blood must spill.
- Blood must spill.

[Birdie] Blood must spill.

- Blood must spill.
- [Birdie] To bring back Shady Sands, blood must spill.

To bring back Shady Sands,
blood must spill.

- Oh, Flame Mother...
- Oh, Flame Mother...

Oh, Flame Mother,
you will be our salvation.

Oh, Flame Mother, you will be
our salvation.

Mr. Howard?

[all] Oh, Flame Mother,

you will be our salvation.

I'm a big fan.

Titus?!

We need to talk...

Yes.

[♪ Jack Shaindlin: "I'm Tickled Pink"]

You were right about this place.

No.

You were right. Check this out.
These are called oysters.

You want one?
They make you feel so good.

You want to make my cock explode now?

- What?
- Sorry, intercourse?

No, Titus.

No, we need to leave. Right now.

These people are insane.

- Yeah, they're like you. A little weird, but nice.
- No.

Plus, my arm. You know, I really...

I ought to give it a little more time.

Okay. Titus, look,

I get why you'd want to stay.

Okay? I really do, I...

I know this must all seem really nice
compared to the-the sh**t show

that's up there.

I wouldn't blame you
if you wanted to go back on our deal

and-and just be somewhere
that is good and safe.

But this isn't it.

They gave me a robe.

I know.

And slippers.

These people are hiding something from us

and I'm gonna prove it to you, okay?

I'm not leaving without you.

♪ Say then we'll be married ♪

♪ In the month of May ♪♪

[dramatic music playing]

[doors open]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[woman panting]

[grunting]

[moans]

[screaming]

- [button clicks]
- [recording stops]

[monitors beeping steadily]

[sinister music playing]

♪ ♪

[short chuckle] Glad you' re all right.

When I saw the door was open, I worried
one of you might have gotten out.

[shoe squeaks]

Hello?

[alarm blaring]

Aah! [shouting]

[grunting]

No! You're crazy!

You people are crazy!
Your entire culture is insane!

I'm sure if we came to your home

- we would say the same thing.
- [grunts] Get off!

No! [groaning]

[♪ Jack Shaindlin: "I'm Tickled Pink"
resumes]

♪ I'm tickled pink ♪

♪ That things are rosy ♪

♪ And skies are blue once again ♪

♪ Let the bygones go bye-bye ♪

♪ No more will I sigh or cry ♪

♪ I'm tickled pink ♪

♪ The moon is yellow ♪

♪ And I'm your fellow tonight ♪

♪ S oon we'll greet that red-letter day ♪

♪ When I will pop the question ♪

♪ And you'll say, "Okay" ♪

♪ Say then we'll be married
in the month of May ♪

♪ I'm tickled pink ♪

♪ That things are rosy ♪

♪ And skies are blue once again ♪

♪ Let the bygones go bye-bye ♪

♪ No more will I sigh or cry ♪

♪ I'm tickled pink ♪

♪ The moon is yellow ♪

♪ And I'm your fellow tonight ♪

♪ Soon we'll greet that red-letter day ♪

♪ When I will pop the question ♪

♪ And you say, "Okay" ♪

♪ Say then we'll be married
in the month of May ♪♪

[ominous music playing]

♪ ♪