01x02 - Cursed

[bunniefuu]

- Come down to Miriam the
Medium's Psychic Shop

to learn your fortune, your
future, and your fate.

- Cut!

Looks great.

Let's break for lunch.

- Oh, wait. No,
let's keep going.

I can only afford to pay you
for another hour.

- What?

No, we've got five
more hours to go.

The script you gave us is
very complicated.

- Yeah, we've only filmed one of
the seven seances.

- Guys, I heard a
ghost in the mic

and I think it was trying to
tell me something.

- That was me.

I was trying to tell you that
your fly was down.

- It still is.
- Oh!

That's a very conscious
style choice.

[upbeat dance music]

- I'm sorry, but I just
don't have the money.

- Then we can't help you.

[tense music]

[Ryan sipping]

- You do not want to cross me,
young freelance film people.

- If you can't pay us,
we're leaving.

- Oh, wait! No, I have
something for you.

- It better be money.

- Or a puppy.

No, two puppies.

No, a really cool pencil?

- I, Miriam, with all the power
in this clutch, curse you!

- Uh! Are you serious?

- I curse you!

- Is this powdered sugar?

- I curse you!

[mysterious music]

- I don't want no curse!

Do I have cancer?

Is that a lump?

Uh, oh no, that's my bicep.

[laughs] Okay.

Oh, wait, hold up.

Nope, that's a Cheez-It.

- Get out!

["Wicket Youth" by Sego]

♪ Make it mean anything, oh
anything you want ♪

[upbeat music]

[cereal clattering]

[Micah gasps]

- Okay, we need a snake,
a cauldron,

and two small people
with big heads.

- What?

- What are we gonna do
about the curse?

- We're not cursed!

- Zona's right!

Thanks to my new
boyfriend ClickFunnels,

I set up our website and we have
our first online client.

We're the opposite of cursed.

We're first!

- Who's the client?

- Our favorite restaurant.

- Big Harry's Pancake House?

- I love that place!

- I've had four birthday parties
there in the last year.

- Okay, awesome.

So Owen and I, we'll go
talk to Big Harry.

Nice job, Devin.

Maybe we should spend
money advertising

so more people will
see the website!

- Don't we only have $100?

- For advertising or, like, for
the while company?

- Yes.

- Okay, you know what?
It's fine.

You gotta spend money
to make money.

So Devin, you take care of that,

and Ryan, you make sure Micah
doesn't freak out

about the curse.

- I won't let him out
of my sight.

[footsteps running]
[door slams]

He's gone and I have failed you.

[Zona sighs]

Hot Sugar Loops?

[rock music]

- Okay, I am cursed, but I
gotta stay positive.

At least the weather is good.

[thunder clapping]

Okay, uh...

Well, at least I have my
wallet and this...

No, you come...

No! You-

Well, at least I still have an
Arby's coupon I saved!

[Micah laughs]

Oh, better read the fine print.

[mysterious music]
[Micah grunting]

What?

Oh, my glasses.

[mysterious music]
[glasses shattering]

How did I step on 'em?

I...

Okay!

At least I have my last pair
of clean clothes.

[Micah sighs]

[paint splattering]
[Micah gasps]

- Fur is m*rder!

- I'm wearing a
cotton-polyester blend!

- [Activist] My point
still stands!

[Micah screaming]

- [Owen] Are they ever closed?
Wha-

- [Arizona] I don't know.
There's no-

It's dark.

Did you try calling them?

- [Owen] Got 'em on speed dial.

- Can I help you?

- Hi!

Uh, Big Harry?

- Big Harry's my father.

I'm Little Harry.

- Um, is Big Harry here?

- You haven't heard?

- Heard what?

- Big Harry's dead.

- What?

- Police think he was taken out
by a rival pancake house.

The secret recipe is missing.

- My pancakes.

[mysterious music]

My birthdays!

- [Arizona] Owen, his
dad just d*ed.

- No!
[screams]

- Sorry for your loss.
- What do we do?

- Just get up!

- What do we do?

- You can go to IHOP.

- IHOP? Don't touch me!

Harry!

[drum music]

- All right.

Spend money to make money.



Go forth, young website, and
bring us fortune.

[mysterious music]

Huh.

It would seem that I have
ruined our lives.

- What'd you say?

- Nothing!

I'm just gonna go to my
screaming place for a second.

[footsteps running]

[door slams]

[Devin screaming]

- I'm sure that's fine.

[phone dings]

Oh, my.

[ominous music] [Ryan gasps]

[creepy music]
[child laughing]

Oh...

Lollipop.

Thank you.

And no, thank you.

[doll thuds]

[mysterious music]
[Ryan screams]

Oh! Lollipop.

[doll thuds]

I shall name you Petunia.

[doll thuds]

[drum music]

- And then, you know
what she said?

- What?
- IHOP!

- That's-
- Of all places right now.

- That's bad.

I hope things don't get
worse for you.

- [Arizona] You order a
McGriddle like every-

- I'm cursed!

[Ryan mumbling]

- What?

- Me, too!

- Yeah. We're all cursed!

Big Harry got m*rder*d!

- m*rder*d!

- I, too, have encountered
some misfortune.

- See, Zona?

Cursed!

- No, just because
something bad happened

when something was
going to happen,

doesn't mean it's
because of the curse

that happened between
those things!

- Pretty clear
sequence of events!

- But it's a good curse like on
"Sleeping Beauty".

- No, no, no. There are
no good curses.

- And that movie isn't real.

- Agree to disagree.

- No, we're cursed!

Just do the math or
science or whatever.

I don't know, I failed that
in high school.

- Aren't you in charged of
our accounting?

- No, I thought you were.

- Micah?

- It doesn't matter, okay!

I spent all our money and all
our future money.

Does anyone have a
kidney we can sell?

I'd offer mine but mama
already played that card.

Micah?

Ryan?

Gallbladder? Spleen?

It could be any of those.
- No.

- Part of a liver? You...

You can grow the rest of it.

- It's fine. It's like $100.

It's not that much money.

- Apparently credit cards
let you spend money

that you don't have.

This is why I prefer the barter
system, to be fair.

- How much did you-
- $10,000.

On the bright side,

the website company sent us all
these free T-shirts.

- Okay. Silver lining.

- I ordered all child smalls.

- Devin, you ruined everything!

- There are so many!

I will literally never have to
buy clothes again.

[gasps]
And a cotton-poly blend?

Please and thank you!

- Forget the shirts, Ryan!

We are on the hook for $10,000!

Devin, how did this happen?

- This isn't Devin's fault.

It's the curse!

- Oh, I'm pretty sure this
one's on Devin!

- Let the man speak, Zona!

- All right, the only
way to fix this

is to go back and
talk to Miriam.

Devin, try to cancel the order.

- Yeah, or at least
get ClickFunnels

to send some adult sizes.

- A little big, but they'll
shrink in the wash.

- To Miriam's!

[electronic music]

Miriam!

Mir- Miriam!

We got a bone to pick with you.

- Bone picking is $30...

Oh, it's you.

- Lift the curse!

- There's no curse! My
life is the same.

- Yeah, your curse was
your personality.

- Hey!

- Please lift the curse,
especially on Zona,

and we'll finish your
ad for free.

- I'm sorry, but my nephew's
fourth grade class

already filmed it.

And it was amazing.

- This is stupid.

- Excuse me!

- You think you cursed me?

Well, I curse you!

Ha! You're cursed!

- Yeah, I curse you, too!

Bam!

- You can't do that.

- I curse your business!

- I curse your love life!

- I curse with good luck!
You're gonna find $20!

- Miriam's a dumb name!

- That's what the
fourth graders said.

- [All] Curse! Curse!

Curse!

- I think we handled that well.

- Yes, we did.

- Great news, guys.

Our website is blowing up!

Turns out that spending
money on advertising

is a good business practice.

So we're rolling in clients!

[group cheering]

- Guys, see?

No curse!

How many people signed up?

- Initially, 400.

- 400?

Devin, we only do like two
projects a month

and we can barely keep
up with that.

- So...

This is a bad thing?

- It's a very bad thing.

- See, I wish we talked sooner

because I thought it
was a good thing,

so I doubled down and spent more
money on advertising.

- You spent more money
that we don't have?

How much did you-

- I don't wanna tell you.

$10,000.

- Devin!

- The credit card has a
power over me!

I can't resist its siren song!

- Okay, you said
initially 400 clients.

How many do we have now?

- 800.

[Zona sighs]
[guys grunting]

[computer dings]



[Zona sighs]
[Micah thuds]

- Okay. Maybe we are cursed.

- [Ryan] Here, dry those tears.

- Devin, just shut
down the website.

We're not equipped to
handle success.

- Truer words have
never been spoken.

[jazz music]
[people laughing]

- Sorry, I was watching
"Family Matters".

Urkel's got it bad for Laura.

♪ Are we all right ♪

[upbeat music]

- Well, the curse thickens.

My molar just fell out and
I swallowed it.

- Well, I have a rash on my back

that's shaped like a Swastika.

- Well, at least Devin took
down the website.

- It pained me
greatly but I did.

I did.

[computer dings]

I did not.

- We're definitely cursed.

- Yeah, but a good curse.

[gasps]
Pina colada!

Thank you!

- Film people!

[group screams]

- Get outta here, you!

- No, please listen.

All of your curses
have come true.

I am now single, unemployed,
and $20 richer.

I would like everyone
but the man-child

to remove their curse.

- No one's ever called me a man.

- We accept.
- Yeah.

[Miriam sighs]

- Then I lift my curse!

- [Group] I lift my curse.

[cereal clattering]

[Miriam sighs]

- Thank you and goodbye forever.

[mysterious music]

[Owen coughing]

- My tooth is back!

- Yo, my rash is gone!

- The curse is lifted! I'm
charming again!

- Yeah!
- All right!

[Devin gasps]

- You guys!

Someone wants to buy our website

plus all our clients
for $20,000.99!

We made a profit!

[all cheering]

- Everything is back to normal!

Love it!

- Yay!
[clapping]

Where are my suckers?

[gasps]
Where's Petunia?

- Look at those 99 big ones!

[sad piano music]

- [Owen] You had the 100.

- Uh-huh, and then-
- You spent 10.

- [Devin] I spent $10,000.

- Yo, guys.
- I spent-

- Is he sad about that
haunted demon doll?

[door closes]

- Hmm.

That's troubling.

[sad piano music]

- Petunia?

[sad piano music]

[Ryan sobbing]

[doll giggling]

[dramatic music]

- [Petunia] Farewell.

[siren wailing]

[ominous music]

- Thanks, pops.

[wind blowing]

No, no, no!

I k*lled my father for nothing!

- What did you just say?

- Stupid curse!

[mysterious music]